07x12 - The Odyssey

[bunniefuu]

[Carlene] no, mama. I'm not
going to ask for his autograph.

Because it's the inaugural ball.

That would be tacky.

See, b.j. Gave tons of
money to the democrats

And got us invited
through some man

Who works in the lobby
at poteet industries.

He's a lobbyist, carlene.

She doesn't know the difference.

Yes!

Yes, ma'am, the party's formal.

B.j.'S loaned me a
beautiful ball gown.

Mama, that bridesmaid's
dress doesn't fit me anymore.

B.j.'S flying us in her jet

In about an hour,

So I got to go.

Will you call daddy at work

And tell him that
his little girl

Is going to bill
clinton's inauguration.

Ha ha! I know!

I know it.

Yeah, especially since
I voted for ross perot.

Yeah.

I got to go. Bye.

I didn't mean for y'all
to hear that last part.

Who you voted for is up to you.

However, I do recall your
sitting in that very chair

And saying you hoped
mr. Clinton would win.

Well, I did, julia,

But then it started looking

Like it was such
a sure thing, and...

I got to feel kind of
sorry for old ross.

People started saying
he had such a bad haircut.

My daddy has his hair
cut exactly that same way,

And I didn't appreciate

People saying his
hair looked bad.

Excuse me, carlene.

Let me clarify this.

You cast your sacred
vote for president

Because of a haircut?

Basically, yes.

Makes you proud
to be an american.

Anyway, I'm so glad
mr. Clinton won.

And I'm so thrilled
about this inaugural ball.

Would y'all do me a favor?

Would you please not
tell mr. Clinton how I voted?

Maybe the president
is like santa claus.

Maybe he already knows
who's been naughty or nice.

When I was little,
I had two dreams.

One was meeting the president.

The other was accepting
an academy award.

And I never expected
neither of them to happen,

So I just can't
believe this is real.

But I'm a little nervous.

Something terrible always
happens when we travel.

We are the poster
children for travelers' aid.

I think we may
have b*at the curse

With the last trip to las vegas.

Now, I didn't think that way

When I first married etienne,

But in hindsight, that
may be our best trip ever.

I'm sorry she
can't come with us.

I'm not.

You'll have to get
used to the fact

That etienne and
I love each other.

She's a she-beast.

Bernice, she has
a heart of gold.

That's why she's in
las vegas right now

Nursing her best friend

Through buttock
reduction surgery.

Well, whoop de doo.

She's florence nightingale
in a g-string and pasties.

Tell it to someone who cares.

Etienne may be the lucky one.

I bet the gods of
travel are up there

Right now, watching us,

Just waiting to hurl
some kind of lightning bolt

Right through our luggage.

Think there's
insurance for that?

Mary jo, don't worry.

Our man is going
to the white house,

And we're going to
be there to see it.

Yeow!

Hey, hey, b.j...

Do you reckon we'll meet
any kennedys at that party?

Oh, sure. They're a big family.

There will always
be some kennedys.

Ethel made sure of that.

Gosh, I'd love to
meet arnold and maria.

Although I resent
their marriage.

'Cause she was born into
the royalty of the democrats,

And he's mr. Republican.

No matter who's in power,
they go to the parties.

It's not fair.

Big deal. Who wants to
go to a republican party?

How much fun can you
have without any gay men?

You know, I just love
being a jet-setter.

That princess stephanie
hasn't got anything on me.

Except too much mousse

And a baby out of wedlock.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, y'all, we're going to the
biggest party this country throws!

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's.

Yes, she is. Hold on a second.

B.j., Pick it up.

Well...

Hello.

This is incredible.

Tomorrow, I'm an invited guest

To the inauguration
of the president.

Here I am,

An ex-con,

Going from the big house

To the white house.

It's really ironic
when you think

Of how many people
went the other way.

But we have to be in
washington tonight.

Listen, you move
heaven and earth

And anything else that's in
the way of us getting there.

Yeah. Goodbye.

Is there a problem?

Uh, no, no.

We're going to washington,

Just not in a poteet
industries jet.

It's grounded.

Don't you have another jet?

Well... Yes,

But they're scattered
all across america.

We'll just go commercial.

Trust me.

I will get us there.

Uh-oh.

It's starting.

Excuse me, miss.

Excuse me. Sorry to trouble you.

We only have half an hour

To make our
connection in cincinnati.

Could you tell us the gate number
for our flight to washington?

We're all going to
the inauguration.

We know. You've told us.

There will be a
representative at the gate

To give you your
flight information.

Well...

She's just a little too
big for her britches.

Let's fix her wagon.

Julia, ring your call bell.

And pretend you're asleep.

Do you reckon they're back there

Talking about us right now?

I've never flown
first class before.

They probably got me pegged

For coach riffraff.

I'll bet they're back there

Plotting to strip you
of your cloth napkin.

I haven't seen so much linen

Since I had a diaper service.

This is just incredible.

I mean, I am going

To the inauguration

Of the president
of the united states!

I'm going to see my boy bill.

Hey, bill, what's happening?

What's up, bill?

Somebody pinch me.
I must be dreaming.

Aah! I didn't mean
pinch me for real.

Somebody stole my snack

While I was in the ladies' room.

You can't prove it.

This is captain garvey
from the flight deck.

Just to let you folks know

We've run into some bad weather.

Oh, my god! We're going down.

Mayday!

Mayday!

Bernice, calm down.

Hold me, stuff, I'm scared.

I've been notified
from the tower

That cincinnati airport's
closed for landing.

We're being rerouted
at this time to st. Louis.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

No problem. It's just
1,000 miles out of our way.

Why does this
always happen to us?

We are truly the
travel-impaired.

Hey, julia, did you hear that?

We're going to st.
Louis. Isn't that great?

I'll call mama. She can
be there in three hours.

This isn't good news.

St. Louis is in the
opposite direction

Of where we want to go.

Why? Why does this
always happen to us?

We've been standing
in this line 2 1/2 hours.

I hate to sound nouveau riche,

But half the reason

People want to have
as much money as I do

Is to avoid standing
in lines like this.

Shh! That poor ticket agent's

Probably as
frustrated as we are.

To get what we want,
we k*ll her with kindness.

I like the k*ll part.

Ever since I got
tickets to this ball,

You've just been blissed out.

It's starting to wear on me.

Sorry. I'll try to
be less agreeable.

Next.

Hello. Can I help you?

Yes. We were on the
flight to cincinnati

That got rerouted here.

And was cincinnati
your final destination?

No. We need to go to washington.

Oh, is washington
your final destination?

Do you know how
to read a ticket?

Spread sunshine, b.j.

Excuse me, uh...

Wendy.

You're obviously a very bright
and capable young woman.

Now, just put us on a
flight to washington.

We're going to the inauguration
of president clinton.

Oh, that's so neat. I
almost voted for him.

But then I felt real
sorry for ross perot.

Of course.

Of course. Excuse
me. Washington.

You can't get there from here.

We have no direct flights
from st. Louis to washington.

Wendy, wendy, wendy.

Sweet, sweet wendy.

How will you get
us to washington?

Oh, looky. Minneapolis
flies to washington.

Can you get us a flight?

I'll see.

Yes, I can. At 5:30 a.m.

You mean we have to
spend the night here?

Hey, y'all,

I finally found a newsstand
open on concourse "c."

Everything was pretty
much picked over,

But I did manage to get this bag

Of honey-roasted
peanuts for just $4.00.

They've been passing out
free peanuts and pastries

Since we came here.

You were supposed to get food.

You were supposed
to get chicken.

You were supposed
to get lasagna.

You were supposed
to get corn on the cob.

Maybe b.j. Will
have better luck.

Give me the peanuts.

Maybe the crunching
will drown out this muzak.

I can't take another version
of the ray conniff singers

Doing do you want to bump?

Just get a set of these

And put them in your ears.

You stole your headset?

I just walked out with it on.

Nobody said a word.

If they did, I didn't hear them.

Oh, look. More tiny danish.

Hey, y'all.

I just got off the
phone with mama.

She and daddy will be
here at 7:00 in the morning.

We'll be gone. Our
flight leaves at 5:30.

I know.

I'm going to be in the
same state as them.

It would break their
hearts if I didn't see them.

They're bringing my nieces

'Cause I'm a witness to history.

They're proud of
their aunt carlene.

I'm a real inspiration to them.

I may be the reason they
don't get pregnant at 15,

So I can't let them down.

You're going to have
to go on without me.

Don't you want to go
to the inauguration?

You know I do, julia,
and I'm going to.

I went ahead and
got myself a ticket.

I got a new connection,

So I'm going to be going
to washington by myself.

I can do it.

I can.

I'll just see you there.

Don't worry
about me. I'll be fine.

And then there were five.

She's not going to get
to washington on her own.

I'm beginning to believe

That we're not going
to make it either.

We're the original
dysfunctional travelers.

Maybe we could get into
some kind of 12-step program.

Knowing us, we'd probably
get to the third step

And trip and end up in
traction or something.

Just listen.

Mary jo, that is not the
right attitude to have

On the eve of a
new day for america,

A fresh start.

We should play that game

We used to play with mother

When we were
little and traveling.

O.k. I'll go first.

O.k. Ready.

Just look. That
woman over there...

The one in pink.

O.k.

I say...

That she is on her way
to surprise her husband

Who is out of town
at a convention

Because she knows
that he's cheating on her.

Plus, she likes mystery novels,

Driving fast, and writing haiku.

How do you know?

Body language.

You can tell a lot
from body language.

Body language.

O.k.

O.k., I want to try.

All right.

See that guy over there

Sitting next to the potted palm,

The one slumped
down in his chair?

Very depressed.

Obviously suicidal.

Definitely has a
drinking problem.

Oh, I hope not.

Why?

Because he's our pilot.

I tell you what.

I've got a different game.

I say that julia cannot continue

On this relentlessly
cheerful jag much longer,

And I want to
open a betting pool

On exactly when
she's going to blow.

I want a piece.

Has something happened?

Have martians landed?

Does money mean nothing anymore?

I had a cab take me
halfway to kansas city

In search of food.

I offered a
pimply-faced teenager

$500 To keep the jack-in-the-box
drive-in window open.

He wouldn't do it.

What has happened to
the power of the dollar

In america?

I mean, people can't be bought,
bribed, or suckered anymore.

Maybe we should have kept
the republicans in office.

Greed meant something then.

You didn't get us any food?

I finally found a
bar in east st. Louis

That was open,

But they barely
had anything left.

He sold me half a
dozen pickled eggs

And some beef jerky

And, well, these day-old
cheese sandwiches

Wrapped in cellophane.

At this point, the cellophane
would taste good to me.

I suggest we all just
try to get some sleep.

If we're asleep, we
won't know we're hungry.

Time will fly.

Before we know it,

We'll be on our
plane to minneapolis.

Mm-mmm. No way.

I'm not sitting
up here in public

Falling asleep
with my mouth open

With people watching.

[Snoring]

We've been standing
in this line forever,

And it's k*lling
you, isn't it, julia?

You're going to blow
any second, aren't you?

Wrong, mary jo, wrong.

I can get through anything
with a smile on my face

Now that president clinton

Will be in the white house.

I'm worried about carlene.

You don't think she's going to
make it to washington, do you?

Next.

Do you have boarding passes

For the next flight
to washington?

Sorry. No can do.

What do you mean?

You missed this flight.

Well, I understand that,

But there's got to
be another flight.

Yes, but you missed the flight
you bought the ticket for.

It flew away into the sunrise

Like a big silver bird.

That's very poetic,

But you see,

It's your airline's fault

That we missed our flight.

We sat on the runway in
st. Louis for two hours,

And then we circled here
for an hour and a half.

Fine.

Then I'll get you on the
next flight available,

Which would be thursday.

Please look at me.

Thursday won't help.

Look, lady, this
airline's in chapter 11.

I haven't had a
raise in two years.

I've been on my
feet for 14 hours.

This is as helpful as I get.

Well, I have slept
upright and slack-jawed

In a lounge all night.

This is not as
impatient as I get.

Spread a little sunshine, julia.

Any second now.

I can feel the rumbling.

Aw, hell.

My screen's gone blank.

Oh, these cheap computers.

I hate this stinking airline.

Well, you're not alone.

Everybody in this line
who hates this airline,

Please raise your hand.

There we go.

Don't worry. This
is not your fault.

You couldn't know this,

But the karmic gods
of travel ordained this

Long before you ever
even took this job,

And you couldn't know this,

But before this day is over,

We will have lost our
luggage, our sanity, our tickets,

And karl malden

Will probably be
paying us a personal visit

Just to replace our
stolen traveler's checks.

[Telephone rings]

What?

You're kidding.

Well, am I going to get paid?

Hello?

Hello?

Well...

Ladies and gentlemen,

All flights are grounded.

Apparently, we
just went belly up.

This airline's out of business.

Out of business?

Listen to me,

Agent richard

Of trans-global airlines.

I have been traveling,

If you could call it that,

For the last 17 hours.

I am starved,

I am stranded,

And I am beyond tired.

My back is twisted.

My feet are k*lling me.

I have not bathed.

I have an extremely
expensive ball gown

I have been waiting for
12 long years to wear.

Make no mistake
about it, agent richard.

I am going to washington.

If I have to kick
off these shoes,

Claw my way across this counter,

And connect your head
permanently to that computer,

You're flying me to washington.

If you don't have an airplane,

I suggest you start
flapping your wings.

16 Years,

Never took a sick day.

What is going on here?

1:15 P.m., Central
standard time, julia blew.

I win.

See, julia.

Wasn't this a great idea?

Don't you feel better

Now that you've got your
pretty party clothes on?

Ever so much better.

Thank you.

Boo hoo hoo!

Oh, now, there, there.

There's worse things
than losing your job.

Like what?

Well, like dancing with
a soggy ticket agent

In an airport
lounge in minneapolis.

Oh!

No offense.

It's just that, uh...

I could be resting my head

On al gore's substantial
shoulder right now.

Well, I feel o.k. I'm
not disappointed.

I said it was going
to be a disaster,

And it was a disaster.

I was supposed to be there.

I had this fantasy

Of standing right
next to the president

And just sort of
gently suggesting

That his first appointment
to the supreme court

Be anita hill.

Oh!

Oh, can't you just imagine it?

Clarence thomas and anita hill

Going to work
together side by side...

For life.

Ha!

And every time he
walked into chambers

With a coke can,

She could just stare at him,

Daring him to say anything.

Oh, I'm so disappointed.

I did want to go to washington.

Yeah,

And I wanted to
live some history.

I wanted to shake
bill clinton's hand,

And I really wanted
to tell tipper gore,

"Lighten up, tipper.

There are some positive
aspects to rap music."

Julia, would you like to dance?

Actually, mary jo, I would
like to crawl in a hole,

But...

It seems a shame
to waste this dress.

Bernice,

What are you wearing?

You said we'd feel better

If we got in our gowns.

Bernice, that's your nightgown.

I know.

I always feel better
in my nightgown.

Well, don't you have some
formal clothes or something?

Well, yes, of course,

But if the point
is to feel better,

I feel better in my nightgown.

Oh, look.

There they are.
There's the clintons.

Everybody, I want
to make a toast.

Oh, you know,

For the first time in 12 years,

We have a president
who understands

The correct usage
of the word "y'all."

That's a man I can get behind.

To america.

To president clinton.

Thank you for restoring
our sense of direction

And hope.

Here's to you.

Good luck, mr. President.

Good luck to all of us.

Hear! Hear!

Cheers! Cheers!

Cheers!

Oh, my god!

Look who's on the tv!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Mr. President,

That woman voted for ross perot!