07x14 - Wedding Redux

[bunniefuu]

Quint, we will talk
about this later, o.k.?

Bye-bye.

Boy.

Quint turns 12 and bam...

All of a sudden he's got a
little girlfriend... Jessica.

They met at a slow-dance party,

And now she wants him to go off

To a ski weekend with
her and her mother.

What's wrong with that?

The problem's that I
caught him practice kissing

In the mirror last night.

He'd get real close to the
mirror, his eyes half closed,

So he'd look real dreamy
but still see himself.

Boy, times have
changed. When I was 12,

I was making scripture
potholders at bible camp.

You're not seriously worried
about puppy love, are you?

Yes, julia, I am.

Things are different
than when you raised payne.

You didn't have to listen
to the megadeth album

To make sure they weren't talking
about dr*gs, sexually enslaving women,

And things like that.

Megadeth was responsible
for a bunch of kids

Getting out and
voting this year.

Give megadeth their due.

Bonjour, mes amies!

Bonjour, etienne. Ca va?

Huh?

Ca va?

Oh, julia, I don't speak french.

I just meet and greet in it.

To what do we owe the
pleasure of this meet and greet?

We've just found out

We're going to have
guests for the weekend.

We're wondering if we
could borrow some blankets.

Yeah, dondi and the
toussants are coming.

Dondi and the toussants?

Didn't they sing soldier boy?

That's very funny, b.j. Don't
you talk about my grandmama.

You see, dondi is a name I used

When I was a little boy.

It's really a cute story.

I couldn't say grandma
very well when I was little.

It always came out dondi.

It was so darn cute, it stuck.

Well... Well...

You know I love every
little thing you say,

But maybe that story
wasn't half as cute

As you've been led to believe.

I wouldn't go
around repeating in.

Anthony, you never did say

What dondi said
about your marriage.

She said she wished
she'd been there.

Well, now, that's sweet.

Well, ac-actually, carlene, her
tone was a little threatening.

She said,

"I wish I'd been there!"

See, dondi never liked
any of my girlfriends,

But I know she and
etienne will hit it off.

I hope they hit it off.

Oh, god, please
let them hit it off.

Anthony, everybody's
going to hit it off.

This is the stuff
of great romance.

Strangers in the night...

Falling in love across
a crowded room...

Marrying and living
happily ever after.

Oh, julia, that's a good story!

Girl, you got the knack!

Thank you.

It's a shame your families

Couldn't see y'all tie the knot.

Heck, it's a shame we couldn't.

Someday y'all ought
to renew your vows,

And we'll mark our
calendars to be there.

That's a good idea.

Just like those
diamond commercials...

"He'd marry you all over again."

Ohhh...

Say, b.j., You've given
me a wonderful idea.

Anthony, etienne, why don't
you all renew your vows

While dondi and the
toussants are visiting?

Oh, julia, you
got to quit saying

Dondi and the toussants.

I just keep picturing

One of those, uh,
those do-wah groups...

You know, they
used to stand in a line

And go ♪ do do...

Come on, y'all, you help me.

♪ Do do do do do

♪ Do do ♪ do-do do

♪ Do do

♪ Do do do do do

I'm serious, anthony.

We could have a sweet,
simple little ceremony

Right here.

I don't want to
take anything away

From those champagne-induced
las vegas nuptials,

But this place is
made for a wedding.

What do you say?

♪ Ooh

Well, uh... I... I... I... Yes,

I... I think I would like
to repeat my vows

While I'm conscious, but...

Uh, y'all can't sing.

Oh.

Julia, great idea. Honey,
you say the sweetest things,

But we have to give some
thought to what I'll wear.

Well, that won't be a problem.

My sister suzanne
had three husbands

And three wedding dresses,

And they're all
in the basement...

The dresses, not the husbands.

And you can take your pick.

We'll have to get cracking.

Even a simple wedding
requires preparation.

Know what I'd like to do?

Since we know
each other so well,

I'd like to write our own vows.

Oh, honey, I like that.

You know, I just can't stop...

♪ Do do do do do

♪ Do-do do do

♪ Do do do do do

My darling...

I love you.

I love you flip...

I love you flop.

I love you more than
a hog loves slop.

♪ Wah wah wah wah

Well...

How's the production line
here at wedding village?

Julia is a whiz.

You give this gal
mission impossible...

Mission accomplished.

Yeah. Hey, mary jo,
how's it going with quint?

I told him he can't
go on that ski trip

With jessica and her mother

Until I've talked
with jessica's mother

And made sure that
she's a reliable person.

I have a creepy feeling

That she's one of those
long-cigarette-smoking,

Lee-press-on wearing,

If-you're-hungry-
you-know-where-the-slim-jims-are

Kind of mother.

Really? Why do you think that?

I don't know. Jessica's
an aggressive little girl.

She gets that from somewhere.

[Julia] oh, anthony,
did you find a tuxedo?

No. Apparently,
there's some sort of run

On monkey suits this week.

The only ones I could find

Were a green velvet
and a powder-blue one

That looked like a paper towel.

I think you're the same
size as my sweet james.

I've still got three of
his savile row tuxedos

Hanging in his closet.

Well, I appreciate
the offer, b.j.,

But I don't think I'd be
comfortable wearing his tux.

Don't worry. I wasn't suggesting

That you wear the
one he got married in.

I buried him in that one.

B.j., You didn't
think that I meant

You were going
to give me that tux.

Well... It... It did
cross my mind.

B.j., What's wrong?

Oh...

Oh, nothing.

I'm...

I'm...

Fine!

Hmm... Ohhh...

Oh, dear. Look at me. I'm sorry.

I...

Oh...

Uh...

Truth to tell,
this wedding thing

Has just been harder on me

Than... Than I anticipated.

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Don't mind my blubbering,

And, anthony,

I... I really do want to
loan you that tuxedo.

O.k., B.j., If you insist.

Oh, I do.

James loved a good time,

And even if he can't party on,

I'm sure he'd want
his clothes to.

Anthony, how are
those vows coming?

Oh, terrible, mary jo.

Everything I write
ends up coming out

You are the sunshine of
my life or my cherie amour.

Uh, I think I'm stuck
in stevie wonder land.

Oh, I could write
something for you.

How about roses are
red, violets are blue...

My life's in the toilet

Since I married you.

On that note, I think
I'll go to the storeroom

And finish my vows.

[Telephone rings]

Hello. Sugarbaker's.

No, quint, jessica's
mother has not called yet.

Stop pestering
me about this, o.k.?

I love you, too.

Bye.

Boy, that little jessica

Is really putting
the pressure on.

She gets that from
somewhere, too.

I could be dealing here

With something like that
little texas cheerleader

And her murdering mother.

I saw both versions
of that story on tv,

And I thought lesley ann warren

Seemed much more
like a m*rder*r.

I can't believe they
let her play cinderella.

Hi, everybody.

[Sobbing]

Is anthony here?

Yes. He's in the storeroom.

Oh.

[Sobbing]

Well, everybody,
this is my mother

Mrs. Victoria toussant.

Um, mother, that is mary jo.

This is b.j., And, uh, this
is carlene... And bernice...

And this is julia. Julia's
throwing the wedding.

How do you do, mrs. Toussant?

We didn't expect
you till the weekend.

My mother came early.
Little family problem.

My mother has left my father.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's o.k. It's
happened before.

She'll get over it.

Oh, julia, I love that fountain

You had installed
in the front yard!

Fountain?

Yes! The 20-foot geyser

In the middle of the rosebush.

I can't believe you
thought of it without me.

Oh...

Ohhh... No!

Oh, no.

Oh... What?

[Anthony] there,
there, mother toussant.

[Sobs]

Call me victoria.

[Sobs]

Victoria.

Ohhh...

There, there.

Yes, yes. We know the
water's been turned off.

How long does it take
to fix a water main?

Anywhere from three to six days?

Could you possibly
be more inexact?

No, that wasn't a
joke, it was sarcasm.

Oh, thank you. Goodbye.

Well, I guess

We'll just have to call
off the whole shindig.

Too bad, kids.

How can we have a wedding

In a house with
no running water?

Could we make a deal with that
gas station down the street?

Carlene, that was a
rhetorical question.

I knew that. It was a
rhetorical answer, too.

Why don't we move the
whole shebang to my house?

No, we couldn't do that.

That might bring back
too many bad memories.

Well, uh, no. You know what?

Seeing you in james' tux

And saying your vows

With all that love between you,

It just might bring
back the good memories.

B.j.'S place might not
be so bad after all.

My mother would
love to go back home

And tell her friends her
daughter got married in a mansion,

Wouldn't you, mama?

Well, yes, if I ever
go back home again.

Oh, yes...

You going home,
mama. You going home.

Well... It looks like
the wedding's on.

[Telephone rings]

Sugarbaker's. Hello.

Oh, hi, jessica.

Yes, I do want to
speak with your mother.

Mm-hmm.

She's going to get her.

Probably has to wake her
out of some drunken stupor.

I'll bet she works the dinner
shift at some strip joint.

You know, now that the
wedding's back on track,

We should talk about music.

I've decided on the
g.e.-Soft-white-light-bulb music,

Which, I find out, has
the strangest name.

It's called taco
bell canon in "d."

You know, etienne, I
believe that's pachelbel.

No, I've eaten
there several times.

It's definitely taco bell.

[Mary jo] hi. Yes. Yes, hello.

Oh, that's all right.
Don't worry about it.

I know it's tough when
you're a working girl...

I mean mother. Uh...
Yeah, about the weekend...

Mm-hmm.

Really.

Oh, I see. Oh. Well...

Well, gee...
That... That'll be...

That'll be fine, robin.

Robin? That's not a very
good name for a stripper.

I guess she just keeps
bob-bob-bobbing along.

Jessica's such a sweet girl.

I... I'm sure quint'll
have a wonderful time.

Thanks so much.

Bye-bye.

I'm so embarrassed.

This ski weekend
is a church retreat.

Jessica's mother is
a methodist minister.

That's the worst
kind of stripper.

Mrs. Bouvier, how
nice to see you again.

You remember me... Mary jo?

Oh, of course, dear.

You must be so excited to
see your anthony get married.

Oh, it's nice... But I think

I would be enjoying this more

If I'd had a little
advance notice.

I would enjoy seeing
my grandson get married,

And I would've enjoyed it

If I could've gotten dressed up

And maybe got a second wearing

Out of my easter hat.

But since nobody
thought fit to tell me,

I guess I'll have to sit
here in traveling clothes.

You're excited then.

Good.

O.k., Got the dress
fresh from the cleaners.

Take a look.

Look at this.

I think etienne made
the best choice.

What, is this from
suzanne's third wedding?

Beautiful, huh?

I think it's from
her second wedding.

How do you know?

At her second wedding reception,

She came in with her fire batons

And performed a
rather moving number,

And this sleeve still
shows the scorch marks.

Huh!

I'll take this into etienne.

Hey. Hey, everybody,
what's going on?

Well, everything's just fine.

Dondi, can I get you anything?

I would've appreciated some
information three days ago

So I wouldn't have to
look like I came in town

On the egg money.

Uh... Uh... I... I know.
I'm sorry about that,

But I just thought
you'd appreciate

The surprise of it all.

But I don't.

Uh... Well...

I guess I better
go talk to etienne,

Try to work out some
of these family problems.

You can't talk to her
before the wedding.

That's bad luck.

B.j., I am not worried
about tempting fate.

At this point, I think

There's a billboard down
the street that reads,

"Bad luck this way...
Bouvier wedding, one block."

Anthony, you're
sounding a little testy

For the happy groom.

Testy?

Do I sound testy?

I think I sound pretty good,

Considering I only got two
hours of sleep last night.

What with the toussant cold w*r,

I ended up sleeping
with papa toussant.

He snores loud, kicks
hard, and he's a cover hog.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, is that bernice woman

A blood relation to anybody?

Oh, no,

Mrs. Toussant, she's just
a dear longtime friend.

You know she's crazy, don't you?

Plus she is just too
fascinated with my husband.

She's back there
singing something

About "black man,
black man" to him.

He thinks it's funny, but
I find it quite offensive.

Oh, dear. Mrs. Toussant,
let me assure you,

Bernice never
intends to be offensive.

She just gets very excited.

Uh... Uh... Uh... Victoria?

Did I tell you how
lovely you look today?

It's obvious where etienne
gets her fabulous looks from.

Oh, anthony, that's so sweet.

I guess I better go
help etienne do her face.

That was lovely. I love that.

I thought those
two weren't speaking.

I guess they communicate in the
international language of cosmetics.

O.k.!

Oh, miss bouvier, do you
want me to find a room

For you to change
for the wedding?

I'm wearing this, little girl,

Because nobody
bothered to tell me

That this was going to be
a fancy dress-up occasion.

[Carlene] oh, I'm so sorry.

Can somebody get that
bernice woman away from me?

And why does she
keep calling me "stuff"?

What does that mean?

♪ Black man

♪ Black man

♪ Where did you come from...

Bernice, not now, not now.

Bernice, that's enough.
Now is not the time.

I don't know when the time is,

But it's not now.

Bernice, please do me a favor.

Leave him alone!

Oh, sure. A little competition,

And I've got you begging.

Look. Come here. Come here.

Come back here, bernice. Come...

[Ring]

Oh... Uh, hello.

Oh, no.

N... Well, sure, I
understand, but...

Uh, no, no. We'll
figure something out.

Uh, thanks anyway.

Oh, guess what.

That was judge maloney.

He's just been called in

On an emergency domestic
temporary restraining order.

Get to the point!

Is he coming to do the ceremony?

No.

Well, now what?

You're not panicking, are you?

I've thrown this wedding
together in three days!

I deserve a nervous breakdown!

If you panic, I'll panic!

Don't anybody panic. I know
a minister we could call

If they haven't left
on that ski trip yet.

Just because I'm
not speaking to you

Does not mean I will not
exchange vows with you.

The vows.

Oh, lord!

I forgot to write the vows!

Ohhh... What!

I guess I should apologize.

I feel a little like a
unitarian in this outfit.

I know all about
being underdressed.

Excuse me. Are you all right?

He's just a little nervous.

Nervous?

What's there to
be nervous about?

Ha ha! Bernice is
playing spin the bottle

With my father-in-law, who's
not speaking to my mother-in-law,

Who's not speaking to my
wife, who's not speaking to me,

Except to exchange
vows I haven't written yet.

Dondi's moping around
here, and I'm being married

By reverend suzie chapstick

In the tuxedo of a man
who d*ed at his own wedding.

Nervous?

Nervous doesn't begin
to explain how I feel.

Carlene.

Now.

Oh.

Bernice, this is my job.

Ohhh!

[Wedding music plays]

Aw... Aw...

Here comes your lovely bride.

What are you doing
with that raggedy tie?

I told you to throw that away.

You told me nothing. You're
not speaking to me, remember?

Mother, please. This is my day.

Well, at least they're speaking.

Anthony, you're
not looking well.

Honey, you're
breathing kind of heavy.

Well, I just realized
I'm here in james' house,

And i... I... I'm wearing
james' tuxedo.

I... I think I'm having
james' heart att*ck!

Aah! Oh, anthony!

Anthony! Oh, anthony!

Oh! Oh!

Anthony!

Oh, honey! I just finished
talking to your doctor.

You didn't have a heart att*ck.

In fact, your heart's in
pretty good condition.

Oh, thank god.

See? I told y'all he'd be fine.

Well, what was it?

Seems as though it was

A heart-palpitating,
knee-buckling panic att*ck.

Oh. I wonder why.

Anthony... Mommy,
daddy, and i...

Well, we apologize
if we are in any way

Responsible for your
present condition...

Aren't we?

Yep. You can't take
us seriously, son.

We don't talk to each
other all the time.

You know etienne has
this flair for the dramatic.

I don't know where
she gets this from.

You're sure you're being
completely honest with me?

Because I could have sworn I
had this near-death experience.

I mean, there was
this bright white light,

And i... I kept being
drawn toward the light.

Anthony, no. That was bernice's

Key chain pen light thing

Flashing in your eyes.

The doctor wants
you to rest for a while.

Then we can go home.

Oh, robin, we're so sorry

To have kept you
so long. I'm so sorry.

You know she thought
you were a stripper?

[Mary jo] bernice!

Or a cheerleader k*ller.

Bernice!

Robin, I just want you to know

That she doesn't
have anything to do

With quint's gene pool.

She's not a relative.

Excuse me, reverend. I... I'm
just so relieved to be alive

That I can't think
of a safer place

To carry on the ceremony.

Everybody I love
is here with me.

Do you think you could
continue the ceremony... Finish it?

Would you get me
my bow tie, etienne?

Daddy, pass me the tie.

Honey, are you sure?

Absolutely.

Anthony, didn't you have
something prepared for the service?

Well, I have been
racking my brain,

But what can I say that
doesn't sound insane?

That I heartily recommend
marrying a perfect stranger

On the spur of the moment?

That... That the odds of
marrying somebody like etienne

Are a million to one,
and I hit the jackpot?

Ohhh... Ohhh... Ohhh...

That etienne and I are probably
the only people on earth

Over the age of 14

Who still have an abiding
faith in love at first sight?

Honey...

That was absolutely perfect.

There's nothing more to say...

Except I do wish we
had the taco bell canon.

Well, we got music in
our souls. Hit it, girls.

♪ Do do do do do

♪ Do-do do-do

♪ Do-do do-do-do

♪ Do do do do do

♪ Do do

Dearly beloved...

We are gathered here

In the sight of god,
friends, and family...

♪ Do do do do do

And bernice...

♪ Do-do do-do