07x18 - It's Not So Easy Being Green

[bunniefuu]

Anthony, why do you keep
looking at your watch?

No reason.

Might it be because etienne
is due to stop by here

With her visiting friend?

The friend she's picking
up from the airport,

The one that's supposed
to be here an hour ago,

Whose plane was on time,
although I didn't call and check?

Let's not talk about him.

He's on a book-promoting
tour, isn't he?

He wrote losers can win...

b*at 'em to the punch.

That's cute, isn't it?

It helps to know
his name is punch.

Yeah. Michael "punch" alexander.

Don't you think it's stupid

When men give themselves
dumb nicknames like "punch"?

In texas we have what's
called the "bubba factor."

Everybody is nicknamed bubba.

Except ross perot.

They call him mr. Bubba.

What gets me is when the bubba
give names to his, you know, private...

Mary jo!

And it's always
something like "big bob"

Or "jumbo jack."

When was the
last time a guy said,

"Hey, I want you
to meet tiny tim"?

Last tuesday.

Well, I think punch probably
comes by his name honorably.

And I also think,

Just in case anthony's feeling
the slightest bit jealous,

That he should know
that if etienne says

That she and punch
are just friends,

That is exactly what they are.

Enchanté, everyone.

Hi.

Everybody, I would
like to introduce you

To my good friend
michael "punch" alexander.

Punch, this is everyone.

Hi. Hi. Hello, punch.

And that, that is my anthony.

Come on, honey.

I'm happy to meet the man
who caught the brass ring.

Nice to meet you, too.

Punch and I haven't seen
each other in five years,

And we just picked up
right where we left off.

Doesn't he look great?

Talking about looking great.

You look fantastic!

She had a great body then,

And she's got a great body now.

Yeah, and I'm the one who
gets to appreciate that body.

Day in and day out.

Basically, he's trying to say

That married life
agrees with them.

Isn't that right, anthony?

Yes. I think I'm saying
that she is fulfilled.

Totally.

And that it's so nice
that an old friend

Of etienne's has come
to visit for a short time.

Too short. We have so
much catching up to do.

How about our desert adventure?

Oh, honey, how could I forget?

This was a turning
point in my life.

There we were, riding
through the desert...

Etienne and i...

And it was h-hot!

Had no idea where we were.

No place, even on a map.

No rest stops.

Ha ha ha!

Honey, are you o.k.?

Suddenly, our car dies.

No matter what I
do, it won't start.

Night falls.

The coyotes start howling.

The wind gusting.

Just the kind of weather that
makes the scorpions come out.

And I'm in heels.
Well, I panicked.

And then I had a thought.

A thought that could only
be described as... Electrifying!

Stronger than all of
those forces of nature

Was the force of my will.

Just by willing it to happen,

I would get us
out of there alive.

And at that very moment,

My foot hit the gas pedal,

And the engine turned over.

Ooh...

The car leaped forward.

And as I drove us to safety,

I knew that my
life had changed...

Forever.

Well, it certainly
sounds as if you two

Had some exciting experiences.

They were fantastic!

Well, my little ladies and I

Had some times like that, too.

Little ladies?

Friends. Didn't I say friends?

It reminds me of that desert
thing you talking about.

It was positively electrifying.

You remember that, mary jo,

How electrifying that was?

Could you be a
little more specific?

Well, we took this long,
long electrifying ride

To a place where no
one had ever been before.

There were no maps.

Stan's dry cleaners.

And then mary jo locked
the keys in the car.

Then what happened, anthony?

Well, carlene, there we were...

In the car on the parking lot.

And it was hot!

That's what reminded me,
is that desert thing. Hot!

Uh-huh.

Mary jo panicked. She didn't
know what we were going to do.

And me in heels.

But I made up my mind.

That I was going to
get us out of there

With the sheer force of my will.

And then you called
us and I came over

With the extra set of car keys.

That's right, julia. You did,

But I summoned you there...

With the sheer force of my will.

And the moment that I saw julia,

Driving up that driveway,

I knew that my life had
been changed forever.

It was a fantastic,
electrifying kind

Of a scorpionic kind of thing.

Ha ha ha hoo.

Well... Well... Well...

Where are our manners?

We haven't offered
you anything to drink.

No, no. No, thanks.

Um, actually, i... I got...
I've got to get going.

I have to meet with
my promotion people

And try to arrange a
few things on my own.

Since etienne is my
only friend in town,

I'm depending on her to
help me scout a location.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

But... Pardon me!

I'm just curious. You're
such a big-time author and all,

You got your own book tour.

Why do you have my
wife drive you around

Instead of your own chauffeur?

Punch, would you mind
waiting for me outside?

I want to give my anthony
a nice goodbye kiss.

No problem.

Great to meet you all.

Bye, punch. Nice to meet you.

Anthony, come over here

And give me a
little goodbye kiss.

Anthony bouvier, what do
you think you were just doing?

There's only one explanation.

No. Tell me. What
were you doing?

What were you doing?

I've never seen that much leg

When we're sitting
around talking.

What are you talking about?

You saw that, julia?

I saw it.

The only thing julia saw

Was you making a complete
and total fool out of yourself.

Isn't that right, mary jo?

Only thing mary jo saw

Was you nodding your head

Every time he said something.

Did you see her gawking?

I saw it.

And how could b.j. Tell with
all that perfume you have on?

Her eyes were probably watering.

What is that called
anyway, erotica?

No!

It's a new fragrance.

It's called "big mistake, baby.

You're wife's not
talking to you anymore."

Boy, did she make
a fool of herself.

Anthony, you better run
after etienne and apologize.

Was I that bad?

[Groaning]

Well, it could've been worse.

At least you spared us
that jerry lewis thing you do

When you get into real trouble.

All I've got to say is you
better make amends right now.

You need to stop at a store and
buy the biggest bouquet of flowers...

Roses, if they have them.

And the best bottle
of champagne...

Blue nun, if they've got it.

Then you go home and
you humbly apologize.

You mean beg.

As electrifying as you can.

[Knocking on door]

[Anthony] julia! Julia!

Anthony?

Anthony!

Julia, it was just terrible!

It was like the star
tours ride at disneyland.

All these objects flying at you

And you're ducking
and you're dodging.

In this case, it was a
screaming asteroid in a negligee.

Come over here and calm down.

O.k. I'm sorry about my jammies.

If she would've let me
leave through a doorway,

I could've put my pants on.

Anthony, didn't you do the
things that we suggested?

Yes, I did.

Didn't you apologize
for your behavior?

Yes, I did.

You told her you trusted her?

No, I didn't.

I tried. My heart
said I'm sorry,

But my mouth said,
"you cheatin' jezebel."

Anthony, how could you?

I... I don't know.

Julia, I'm just so tired.

What I really need
is a couch to bunk on

And a good night's sleep.

You're welcome to this one.

I have to finish
up this work here.

O.k. Don't worry about me.

You won't know I'm here.

O.k. Just make
yourself comfortable.

O.k.

You feeling comfortable?

Oh, I'm just fine.

You won't even know I'm here.

O.k.

[Wheezing]

Go off to sleep now.

Uh-huh.

All righty.

Ohh...

Mmm!

Hoo!

Hoo.

[High-pitched squeal]

O.k., I just...

Guess I'll take the rest
of this stuff upstairs.

[Crying]

Anthony...

I know you don't want
to talk about this,

But...

Oh, o.k.

If you insist, julia.

I... I guess I really
screwed up big time.

Yes, you did.

But when she looks at him,
she sees michael jackson.

She looks at me,

She sees tito.

Anthony, etienne is
new to all of our lives.

But if there's one
thing I do know,

It's women.

And I don't think
she'd be parading

That man around in front of you

If anything improper
were going on.

Wh-what can I do?

She won't even speak to me.

Oh, julia, I got it.

You could call her and tell her

That you found me lying
on the side of the road,

Bleeding and calling her name.

I don't think so.

No. No.

But I do think I can help you

To redeem yourself.

Listen to this, you
and i... You and i...

Will throw that
book-signing party for punch

Right here at sugarbaker's,

And you will be the most
gracious and magnanimous host

That anyone has ever seen.

What do you say?

Uh-oh. Anthony doesn't look like

He's having a very good time.

Well, I can hardly blame him.

It's about the most boring
party I've ever been to.

Even my foot's asleep.

I've got an idea.

When charlene and I
would go to boring parties,

We used to play
this game called lies.

You assume a fake identity

Every time you talk to somebody.

Oh, carlene,
that is so childish.

That is so dishonest.

Let's do it.

[British accent]
oh, how do you do?

So nice to meet you.

My name's snuffie,

This is my great friend muffie.

How do you do?

We're from london.
You know the beatles?

So do i. Of course.

What's your moniker?

I'm jennifer allen.

Are you friends of the author?

No, no. We're exchange students.

Come on, aren't you a
bit old to be students?

No. We're waiting for our
units to be transferred.

Oh, hi!

This is our great
friend madam bernice.

She's a palm reader.

Is she from london, too?

No. Palm... Springs.

How do you do?
I'm anthony bouvier.

My friend punch has
written this wonderful book.

Hello. I'm madam bernice.

Hello.

Uh-oh.

Do you have a heart problem?

No.

Well, you will.

That'll be a dollar.

Actually, I hear
camilla calls it big ben...

But di says she
calls it tiny tim.

Do y'all know princess di?

I don't, but muffie here
was her lady-in-waiting.

Yes. And, oh, she
kept me waiting.

Oh! Oh!

You can't get the
royals off the phone.

I'm madam bernice
the palm reader.

You're going to have
a long, healthy life...

For about six more months.

Then you'll be
hit by a winnebago

And you'll die.

That'll be a dollar.

You said I was going to die.

You want me to pay for that?

I'm sorry. No, you're
not going to die.

You're going to
live a very long life

And be a burden to your family.

That'll be $5.00.

No, thanks.

Anthony, I'm not talking to you.

What's that, sign language?

Warning you about not
talking to you is different.

That was your only warning.

I didn't mean to make you
so angry about my jealousy.

I'm trying to make it up to you.

Watch.

Everybody, could I have
your attention, please?

I'd like to introduce you

To the reason
why we're all here.

A gentleman I just met

But whom I've developed
a special fondness for,

A gentleman who took on
the task of writing a book

And made it happen
with pen and paper.

Or pencil.

Mr. Michael "punch" alexander.

Put your hands together, please.

Thank you, anthony.

That was very nice, honey.

I would like to read
from chapter nine,

Entitled, "inspiration."

"Inspiration comes
in many forms.

"My greatest came
one night in las vegas

"On a magical ride
into the desert.

"She had gone with me this time,

"Just she and i,

"Her showgirl legs as long
as the road we had traveled,

"Her cafe-au-lait-colored skin
burnished by the desert sun.

"The grains of white sand

Reflecting on her
bountiful cleavage..."

Whoa! Wait a minute.

That's it. No mas.

How can you talk
about my wife like that

In front of all my friends?

These are my friends,
this is my place,

And that's my cleavage.

Anthony, I think
you're confused.

Oh, confused?

I'm going to show you confused.

I know why they call you punch.

Anthony, stop it.

You've got it all wrong.

That story's not about me.

It's about nancy,

My roommate in vegas.

She and michael were lovers.

Heh!

[Imitating jerry
lewis] nancy? Lovers?

Punch! The punch! I love it.

Not nancy!

I made a mistake!

Big mistake!

Oh!

Don't look at me, people.

Dean!

Dean!

I think the party's over.

The party's over!

Everybody go home now!

Lady!

Lady!

♪ Rock-a-bye your baby...

Hi, ladies.

Oh, hi, etienne.

Anybody see anthony?

No. He's out looking for you.

He was real upset, too.

He said something
about billy jo mcallister

And a bridge.

Etienne, we're
worried about him.

Well, I don't know
which I am more...

Worried or upset.

Worried, upset?

Oh, it's a judgment call.

I don't blame you
for being either one,

But you got to
remember two things.

Number one... Anthony was
probably afraid of losing you

To a man he didn't
know anything about,

Except that he was so
smart and so successful

And that you two shared a past.

And number two...

If you play your cards right,

This little incident,

Given the going rate of
the jealousy exchange,

Could be worth
a trip to tiffany's.

I'd never thought I'd
turn my back on gold,

Not even temporarily,

But anthony's scared the
shopping desire out of me.

Even in vegas,

Parading around in nothing
but feathers and my boas,

I maintained my self-respect.

And I do not need a man
who doesn't trust me

And embarrasses me
in front of my friends

Just because he is
lacking in his self-esteem.

Etienne, everything
you said is true,

But anthony loves you.

Oh, well, sometimes
love just isn't enough.

I mean, he embarrassed me

In front of my friends

And half of atlanta.

Somebody said there were
people here from england, too.

Etienne.

No... No... No.
Don't say anything.

Guess where I've been.

N-n-n-no. Don't say anything.

When I left here,

I knew there was
nothing I could say

To convince you how sorry I am,

So I went down to the
all-night bookstore

And I picked up punch's book.

I paid full price for it, too.

I got copies for
each one of you.

And then I stopped
by punch's hotel room

To apologize.

And I asked him to
inscribe this for me.

I told him what to write.

Here. Read it.

"To anthony...

"A fool...

"Who loves his wife

"And realizes how close
he came to losing her

"Because of something
as stupid as jealousy,

A fool who wants to change."

Oh, anthony,

You did all that for me?

I did it for us.

Oh, honey...

You do know that your
behavior was unacceptable,

But I'm certain it's not
going to happen again.

We can put this little
incident behind us.

Back there.

Well, see, now we have a past.

Come here, my little schlay-man.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Hi. I just came by to
thank you for the party

And to say goodbye.

Thank you for coming.

We meant well.

What do you mean, goodbye?

Your flight doesn't
leave till tomorrow.

True, but I met this
really interesting woman,

And I'll spend time with her.

You don't mind, do you?

Yo, punchster.

Move it out.