07x19 - The Woman Who Came to Sugarbakers

[bunniefuu]

That woman has been
here for three weeks...

3 1/2 Weeks too long.

We have to say something
to julia about this.

Say something to
julia about what?

By the way, mrs.
Beecham has asked

That y'all hold it down
between 10:00 and 12:00.

That's her reading time.

We know this lady used
to be your headmistress

And you've kept
up all these years,

But she's driving us all crazy!

I admit mrs. Beecham
is overbearing

And meddlesome and about
as welcome a houseguest

As hannibal lecter,

But she slaps me on the
back to correct my posture

10 Times a week,

But I just don't
let it get to me.

Good morning, everyone!

Good morning, mrs. Beecham.

B.j. Poteet, with all the
money I'm told you have,

It would seem to me that you
would stand a little taller.

My mama used to tell me

That good posture was
the backbone to a solid life.

Oh!

And thank you

For that spine-tingling
revelation, carlene.

Carlene, you must
learn to assert yourself.

You go over there and tell her

You won't stand for it.

I... I can't do that.

Tell her!

Ow.

Ahem!

I won't stand for it!

I'm sorry. She made me say that.

I'm so sorry.

Good girl! Good girl.

Of course I suppose
one can't expect any more

From someone with your
lack of sophistication.

You know, mrs. Beecham,

Carlene's down-home
quality is something

We all find refreshing.

It's something we all enjoy.

Know what I enjoy?

As if we'd care.

Stop right there, sister.

You can peck at the chickens,

But don't mess
with the mother hen.

Do I have to listen to
this barnyard babble

From this silly old goose?

That does it. Let's
take this outside.

Hold me back.

I'm going to knock
her block off.

Bernice, bernice.

You know, my dear, you
are just far too tolerant.

That's always been one
of your shortcomings.

Now, take mary jo.

If I had a colleague that
was an indecisive as she is,

Well, I would just have
to tell her about it.

Now, that is not a criticism.

That's just an observation.

You know, actually,
there are some things

I'm very decisive about.

For instance, I'm
absolutely positive

That you would be
much better off...

Mary jo.

Sitting in a more
comfortable location.

Well, like where, dear?

Bosnia.

Anthony!

Anthony, how are
those wires coming?

I think I pretty much got
this thing figured out.

Anthony, may I say something?

No, don't say anything.

Don't come over here.

I'm just an ordinary man

Doing ordinary handiwork.

Stay back!

It seems you've
been at those wires

For three days with no success.

There comes a time when
someone must admit failure.

It's obvious to me
that you have failed.

I don't know that
I can go to sleep

Worried that your
unskilled handiwork

Will send us all
ablaze. Then what?

You'll end up back in prison.

It'll be worth it.

Tell me...

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Tell me...

Tell me, mrs. Beecham,

What are your plans
for this afternoon?

I thought I would take over
answering the phones today.

Now, I'm sure you
will all excuse me.

My regular reading time today

Was interrupted by
some unseemly noise,

And I'm sure you will all try

To be a little more considerate

Of julia's guest.

Julia...

She's got to go!

She is ruining our business.

Get rid of her!

Was that assertive
enough, do you think?

Please be a little patient.

Since her husband
d*ed last year,

She's been floundering.

I know she doesn't look it,

But she's really very fragile.

Right. So's marge schott.

Well, fragile as she may be,

She is driving us all crazy,

Just like she did her husband.

She drove him crazy, you know.

He was seeing a psychiatrist.

Old beechnut herself said so,

Like she was proud of it.

Normal people do
go to psychiatrists.

I know the one
mr. Beecham went to.

She's well-respected
and very expensive,

So you know she must be good.

Say, do you think that doctor

Would be able to advise us

On how to get her to leave?

I'm not totally blind
to what's going on here,

The way it's affecting us all.

Why don't you just say to her,

"Get the hell out my house"?

I have been trying to
say that for three weeks.

I've been hinting,
doing everything

Short of throwing
her into a running taxi.

But it is a little hard

When someone is convinced

That the voice of
her dead husband

Came to her in a seance

And commanded her to
go to julia sugarbaker's.

Huh.

You mean that's why she's here?

Julia, that is the ticket.

We can have a seance,

And then we'll have her husband

Tell her to go home.

I don't think so.

You have a better idea?

What's the name of
that psychiatrist?

I mean, who better to ask

How to get rid of mrs. Beecham

Than who knew her dead
husband best... His psychiatrist?

She's not here.

I guess we should wait.

I know we said

We'd get you back to
sugarbaker's right away,

But it'll be a little while.

That's all right, dear.

I'm not crazy about that
bitchy woman staying with you.

It's beecham, bernice.
The beecham woman.

I think I'm right.

Would you look at this?

Where do they get
these italian models?

Does the law of
gravity not work in italy?

You know, I just had a thought.

What would happen
if somebody I know

Sees me here?

That's all I need...

For somebody to
think I'm schizophrenic

Or manic depressive or paranoid.

B.j., That is paranoid.

Well, there you go.
I diagnosed myself.

I don't need a psychiatrist.

Excuse me. Are you
here to see the doctor?

She is. She is.

It's my first time here.

I have an appointment.

Is it all right if
I go in and wait?

Be my guest.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Yes?

I'm carol parker.

Where would you like me to sit?

I don't care.

Mrs. Stone recommended you.

She said you're the best.

Oh, I am the best.

But I don't know a mrs. Stone.

I get it.

Patient confidentiality.

Uh...

I'll try to get right to it.

I have trouble communicating.

Sorry. I don't understand you.

See, my husband left
me almost a year ago.

I'm still completely devastated.

I... I can't eat. I can't work.

I cry myself to sleep.

I end up screaming his name out

All night long.

So what's your point?

My point?

I'm in pain.

Listen, sister, I've
got a corn on my foot

The size of baltimore.

Now, that's pain.

Yes, but...

I cry myself to
sleep every night.

Well, have you tried
sleeping during the day?

Or watching jay leno?

Works for me.

I'm not sure I understand
your methods.

I mean, this is all kind of...

Well...

Strange.

You're calling me strange?

I'm not the one who came in here

Bellyaching about crying
and not eating or sleeping.

Hey, I'm sleeping like a baby.

Well...

Is there anything
you can tell me

That I can take with
me to think about?

O.k.

My late husband
stuck a pencil in his eye

And had to wear an eye patch.

That night we
went to a 3-d movie,

And I wondered...

Did he see only 1-d?

I get it.

I think.

It's like a zen riddle...

The sound of one hand clapping.

The sound of one hand clapping?

Sister, you're as
crazy as a loon.

Bernice?

B.j., Where's bernice?

Well, she was here a minute ago.

You're certainly unconventional,

But I must admit
I do feel better.

Thank you, doctor.

Doctor? Doctor?

And for the sound
of one hand clapping,

Try dr*gs.

Well, she's finally
taking a nap,

Thank goodness.

What is going on in here?

It's seance time, julia.

The spirit world
told her to come,

And it will say, "leave."

You can't do this.

We have no other choice.

We got nothing from that
visit to the psychiatrist.

Oh, I got something.

What is that? Let me see that.

"Irwin beecham, personal..."

Oh, no, bernice.

This is personal
and confidential.

Give me that.

No, I will not!

We're sending it
back immediately.

I'm so sorry. You're right.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

Well...

Sucker.

Hold her.

Sorry, julia. These
are desperate times.

Ooh!

Wow!

His nickname for
her was "bubbles."

"Bubbles." Yeah, that's
what I would've thought.

This'll be great to
use during the seance.

Let me have that.

This is illegal,

And this seance is ridiculous.

Oh, get with the program, julia!

No, thank you, mary jo.

But you all go right ahead,

And if for some reason

You should leave your bodies,

Make sure you pick them
up when you're all done.

You're lost, 'cause the spirits

Are going to be
flying high tonight.

Ooh!

First we put our
hands on the table.

Ooh, this is exciting.

It's like rosemary's baby.

Stay with me on this, carlene.

Now, when we actually do it,

We'll lower the lights,

Get a real spooky
mood kind of thing.

Then I will do a ramptha thing,

Go into a... A... A trance

And you know, start...
Start moving my head

From side to side, you know.

And then, when I say...

"Are you the spirit of darkness

Or the spirit of light?"

Flashlights under chins.

Ooh, special
effects. I love this.

Can we get thunder and lightning

And decapitated
heads flying around?

Carlene, this is
not beetlejuice.

Uh-oh. He's already here,

And this is just the rehearsal.

Relax. It's not irwin.
It's a short circuit.

I thought I fixed it,
but I'll check it again.

Mary jo, now it's your turn.

When I say...

"The next voice you hear

Will be the voice
of your husband..."

That's your cue to say...

"Edna...

You must go home."

Ooh, mary jo, that's good.

All right.

Have you all just
completely lost your minds?

I'll put a stop
to this right now.

Mrs. Beecham, would you
come out here for a second?

I'll just tell her she's
worn out her welcome.

In my day,

If a lady bellowed like that,

Her tongue was tied
with sewing thread

Until she learned
to speak like a lady.

I'll be you miss those
old days, don't you?

Mrs. Beecham, we need to talk.

I'll talk. You listen.

You know how important
you've been to me,

So this doesn't come easily.

I hope you'll accept it

With the love and respect
with which it's intended.

Your time is up.

You've worn out your welcome.

Go home.

No.

What?

I am home.

I came because irwin told me to.

He sent me here for a reason...

Not for you care for me,

But for me to care for you.

When I arrived here,

Everything was
completely disorganized,

But now we are
running a tight ship!

And I haven't even started yet!

I'm not going anywhere!

Hit the lights!

Well... Well, what's going on?

A seance. Isn't that exciting?

You may not know b.j. Is
a world famous medium.

I've never heard of her.

As long as the spirits have.

O.k., Now, put hands on table,

Close your eyes,

Take a deep breath,

And relax.

Spirit...

If you can hear me,

Knock three times.

Did anybody hear anything?

I did.

I think it was the sound
of one hand clapping.

And this is the sound

Of one woman leaving a seance.

This is the hokiest
seance I've ever seen.

Please don't go
away, mrs. Beecham.

The best is yet to come.

Spirit of darkness,
spirit of light.

What's next... You put
flashlights to your chins?

This is a travesty!

I've never seen anything like...

Wait, mrs. Beecham...

I... I feel something coming.

It... It's a voice.

It... It... It sounds like...

Ohh...

Baubles...

Bangles...

Bugles...

Bubbles!

Is there a "bubbles"
in the house?

What?

Baubles... Bangles...

No, no, that last part.

"Bubbles."

Well, that is uncanny.

That is what irwin
used to call me.

Nobody knows it. Nobody!

Wow, that is uncanny.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, yes!

Oh! Ooh!

Something is happening!

Mrs. Beecham, I can
feel his presence.

He's... He's with us!

The next voice you hear

Will be that of your dead,

Dearly departed irwin.

Irwin, tell me what to do!

Don't move. Stay
right where you are.

Yes, irwin, I will. I'll
stay here forever!

Why are you all sitting around

In the middle of the day?

I've already had a 2-mile walk,

Read the paper cover-to-cover,

And just replanted the
bougainvillaea along the patio

To face the sun.

Mrs. Beecham, something
so exciting has happened.

It's just a wonderful
opportunity.

For all of us.

The head of personnel
at a large corporation

Is looking for someone
with uncommon abilities,

And, naturally,
we thought of you.

And why wouldn't you?

Look how I've whipped
this place into shape.

Well, we think that you

Would be almost perfect.

Almost perfect?

You know in today's job market

Intelligence,
strength, and ability

Are not enough.

One has to have other
qualities now, like charm...

And flexibility...

And humility.

And great knockers don't hurt.

I'm not changing for anyone!

I'm appalled you'd
even suggest it!

Now, mrs. Beecham,
we're simply saying

We want to bring out another
part of your personality

We know is in there.

Somewhere.

Why don't we start
with your entrance?

You're coming into the room

To meet your interviewer
for the first time,

And anthony will
be the interviewer.

I will?

Ow! All right, I will.

Please come in. Have a seat.

A gentleman would
rise when a lady enters.

You're fired. Get out!

Mrs. Beecham...

Charm.

Remember charm.

Walk into the room with grace,

With relaxed confidence.

Waft.

I'm not a wafter.

Try.

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta, ta-ta, ta-ta.

Ta-ta...

Ta-ta...

How am I doing?

I thought you
were ginger rogers.

I thought you were kenny rogers.

O.k., Now I'm just
going to ask you

A few easy questions.

Mrs. Beecham...

Why are you
qualified for this job?

How dare you interrogate me?

Think I'd be sitting here...

Charm, mrs. Beecham.

Remember to be charming.

How dare you interrogate me?

That's good.
That's a good start,

But remember you have
to change your thought

As well as your tone.

Two hours and ticking.

Ready?

Uh-huh.

For the jackpot,

Are you a team player?

I am a team captain!

Flexibility, mrs. Beecham!

Of course I could be wrong.

See? There you go.

But I am not.

All of you are.

And I find this insulting.

Who I am has been good enough

Down through these years.

It's going to be good
enough for that employer,

Who's going to have
the good fortune

To be interviewing me!

Give me that address!

Good luck!

Aaahh!

Oh, mrs. Beecham,
are you all right?

Well, why shouldn't I be?

I got the job.

You did?

Course I did. I'm proud to say

I got it on the strength
of my personality.

Didn't have to change a thing.

Well, what's the job?

Running a boot camp
for g*ng members.

Congratulations.

Yeah.

Well, that is the good news,

And here is the bad news.

Julia, I hope you won't
be too upset about this,

But the job is in detroit.

Detroit's great.

It's motown!

Motor city.

Far away!

Well...

Mrs. Beecham, I'm
going to miss you.

I'm sure you all will.

I'm choking up already.

You know, I have always said

Giving too much praise is
not good for one's character,

But I just want to thank you

For all you've done.

I mean, letting me come here

And helping me get this job

And being my friend.

Well...

Well, thank you for saying that.

Mrs. Beecham, I love you, too.

Now!

I have one more thing to do

Before I leave.

I am going to clear
up that wiring problem.

Shouldn't take a minute.

It won't take me any three days.

I hope that job is in
downtown detroit.

By the way, julia,

Mrs. Beecham wanted
me to give you these...

Tips on how to be efficient.

Efficient.

Hmm. "More efficient.

"Number one, rise at 6:00 a.m.

"Number two, rugged hike

For 3 miles before breakfast."

Hmm...

I don't think so.

Aah! Woo!