03x05 - George's Diploma

[bunniefuu]

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♪ To the East Side ♪
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piece of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

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♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

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♪ Now we're up
In the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

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It's you and me, baby ♪

♪ There ain't nothin'
Wrong with that ♪

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
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♪ To the East Side ♪
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♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪

Hey, hey, hey, Weezy!

Mwah!

How was everything
down in Charlie's Bar?

Who told you I was
in Charlie's Bar?

You did, the minute you said,

[BREATHES HARD] "Hey, Weezy!"

You'll never guess
what I picked up today.

If it's catching,
don't bring it in here.

It's a riddle I
can win bets with.

It cost me a buck,
but it was worth it.

See if you can
figure this one out:

Now, these two dudes live
next door to each other, see.

Now one dude raises chickens

and the other dude
hates chickens.

What kind of chickens?

Leghorns or Rhode Island Reds?

What difference does that make?

Lots.

My mother used to say
Rhode Island Reds were fatter

because they didn't have to
walk as far to get to New York.

[LAUGHS]

That was one of our
family jokes, George.

Mother used to say...

Look, you gonna let me
finish my riddle or not?

I'm listening, aren't I?

Well, try listening
with your mouth closed.

Okay, now. So one day,

this rooster breaks over
into the yard of the guy

who hates chickens
and lays an egg.

What color was the
egg? White or brown?

What difference does the
color make, white or brown?

One color's just as
good as the other.

Just remember that the next
time the Willises come down.

Weezy. I'm sorry, George.

I'm just trying
to get the facts.

I'm giving you all
the facts you need!

Now... even though
he don't raise chickens,

the chicken-hater
claims that the egg is his

because it's laid in his yard.

Now the big question
is, who owns the egg?

Would you repeat that?

I ain't telling it again!

All right.

Uh... the man who
raises the chickens.

Wrong. There ain't no egg.

But you said...

I said a rooster
went into the yard.

Roosters don't lay eggs!

[LAUGHS]

If you paid a
dollar for that riddle,

then you just laid an egg.

Oh, yeah? Well,
you didn't get it.

And neither will
Florence. Watch.

Careful, George. She
won all the other bets.

Oh, that's 'cause she's
just lucky, that's all.

This time I'm gonna nail her.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, hey, Florence! Hi.

Mmmm-mm!

Dinner sure smells good.

It'll smell even better
after I start cooking it.

All you smell so
far is raw potatoes.

Ah. Well, I never smelled

raw potatoes that
smelled better.

What you up to?

Nothing. I just came
to see how you were.

Oh, by the way...

I heard a good riddle today.

You'll never get this one.

I bet you I can.

Okay. Five bucks says you won't.

Five bucks? Ain't
that a little high?

What, are you scared?

Not as long as I'm still
playing with your money, I ain't.

You got yourself a bet.

Okay. Now... [CLEARS THROAT]

these two dudes live next
door to each other, see.

Now one raises chickens,
the other one hates chickens.

One day a rooster
breaks into the yard

of the guy who hates
chickens and lays an egg.

The guy who hates
chickens claims the egg is his

because it was laid in his yard.

Now the big question is...

who owns the egg?

That's a hard one.

Yeah, I don't know
whose egg that is.

[LAUGHS]

Tough toenails.

Because where I come from,

roosters don't lay no eggs.

Lord!

Oh, woman, you ain't so slick.

Well, at least you
stumped me, George.

One out of two ain't bad.

That Florence has got
a personality problem.

No wonder people don't like her.

What people?

Me.

Oh, George, you're impossible.
I'm going up to see Helen.

Oh, Florence, you can
put the dinner on now.

I'll be back in a
couple of minutes.

FLORENCE: Okay.

Why do you have to go out now?

I hate hanging around a loser.

[GROANS]

So long, Pop. Wait
a minute, Lionel.

What's the big hurry?

I'm having dinner with
some of the guys I work with.

Oh. Nice bunch of dudes, huh?

Oh, the best, Pop,
and really bright too.

Phi Beta Kappa, Ph.D...
Hey, I'd like to meet 'em.

Why don't you ask 'em up
here for a drink sometime?

I will.

Okay. How about tonight?

Um... not tonight, Pop,

but, uh, maybe some
other time, okay?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Need any bucks?

Um... Pop, I'm working
now, remember?

Then how about
lending me a couple?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, uh, one more thing, Lionel.

What is it, Pop?

I just want to tell you

how I'm really
proud of you, son.

I mean, the way
you're hanging around

with all these heavy dudes,

and I never even
went to college.

I know, Pop.

Matter of fact, I dropped
out of high school...

Pop, I've really gotta go now.

Oh, yeah. Don't
forget. If it wasn't for me,

you wouldn't have that
great head on your shoulders.

Um, didn't Mom have
a little to do with that?

No. 'Cause I'm the
one that had to do

the punishing when you was bad.

And I never hit you in the head.

Only on the behind.

All right!

Got any more
riddles, Mr. Jefferson?

Oh, you just lucky, that's all.

No, I ain't. I knew the
answer all the time.

How?

It was printed on my
bubble gum wrapper!

[LAUGHS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You see that? You cheated!

Ah, Mr. Jefferson,
I was wondering

if you could cash a
small check for me.

Not now, Bentley. I'm busy.

But I'll have everything

straightened out in a minute,

and then I'll cash your check.

Ah.

Uh... do you have a good watch?

For collateral? No, no.

In seconds,
exactly seconds,

ring the doorbell, okay?

Roger.

But, uh... would it be
presumptuous of me to inquire why?

Start counting.

[WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, Florence, my dear ♪

Yeah?

Oh, Florence,

I just wanted to
apologize to you.

Is this for something you did

or something you're gonna do?

No, no, honest.

Look, I've been under
a lot of stress lately,

but I shouldn't
take it out on you.

That's right. You
sure shouldn't.

So, I'm sorry.

You know... I admire you.

Watch yourself!

Not that way.

I mean, because you're so lucky.

I have never in my life

seen anybody with so
much pure luck as you.

I bet you could close your eyes
right now and think real hard,

and guess who's gonna be

the next person to
come in through that door.

I don't know. I guess I could.

I got as good a chance
as anybody else.

Better, 'cause
you so lucky. Huh.

Hey, wanna try?

You mean, bet on who's the next
one to come through that door?

Yeah. For bucks.

And I get to pick
first? Anybody I want?

Whoever you want.

All right, in that case...

I pick Mrs. Jefferson.

[LAUGHS]

You sure was dumb
to let me pick first.

I heard Mrs. Jefferson say she'd
be back in a couple of minutes.

Damn!

What, me and my big mouth!

Oh, the bet's off. Uh-uh, honey.

A bet's a bet.

Well... since I'm
gonna lose anyway,

it don't matter who I pick.

So I'll pick, uh... Bentley.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hello.

How are you, Mr. Bentley?

Just fine, Mrs. J. After you.

Oh, thank you.

Weezy, what you doing here?

I live here, remember?

Don't you ever do that again!

Say goodbye.

Harrumph.

Uh, Mr. J, I rang the bell

at seconds on the nose.

Now will you cash my check?

It's only $ .

Here. Thank you.

Are you sure it's all right?

If I run short, I'll go to
Florence, the Bank of Harlem.

Did you lose another
bet to Florence?

I don't want to talk about that.

Oh, well, never mind.

Jenny gave me something
that will cheer you up.

What's that?

It's a little newsletter

Lionel's company puts out.

There's a story in it about
their new employees.

Look what they
said about Lionel.

Hey, hey, hey.
Ain't that something?

"One of our brighter

young engineers,
Lionel Jefferson."

Imagine that, Weezy.

Doesn't it make you feel proud?

Yeah.

"Jefferson's father is the

"well-known businessman
George Jefferson,

president of
Jefferson Cleaners."

Hey, hey! He gave me
a little free advertising.

[LAUGHS]

"Mr. Jefferson is a graduate

[MISPRONOUNCES] cum laude

of Harvard Business School."

That ain't true. I
never went to college.

Uh, let me see that.
I didn't read that far.

[SIGHS]

Oh, Weezy, why would
Lionel put me down like that?

Saying you went to
Harvard is putting you down?

He lied about me.

Well, it's just a mistake.

Lionel wouldn't
do a thing like that.

Oh, no. Then how come he showed
it to Jenny and didn't show it to us?

Well, he just happened
to show it to her first.

I'm sure he was gonna... No, no.

He was trying to hide it because
he didn't want me to read it.

Why?

Because if I read
it, I'd find out.

Find out what?

[SIGHS]

Don't you get it, Weezy?

My own son is ashamed of me.

George, you're wrong.
Lionel's not ashamed of you.

Yes, he is. Can't you read?

He's ashamed 'cause his
father didn't go to college

and get one of
them come, lordies.

I wouldn't even know

what a come, lordy
was if it bit me on the leg.

It's cum laude, George,

and I think it
means "with honors."

See? I'm so dumb I thought
Come, Lordy was a gospel song.

George, you're not dumb.

He don't even want
me to meet his buddies

'cause he's afraid
I'll embarrass him.

I take it back. You are dumb.

Look, Weezy, I know
what he's thinking.

He's moving in real
fancy company now.

And if they find out his
father didn't go to college,

they'll look down on him.

That's why he ducked
out on me today.

You're imagining things.

What have you got
to be ashamed of?

I keep telling you, I didn't
even finish high school.

Only because you had to quit
school to support your mother.

Yeah.

I bet you I could have
graduated high school.

Sure you could.

And if I had me for a father,
I'd have graduated college.

That's right.

I'd have got me a come, lordy,

a go, lordy, and a
come-back-again lordy.

And, of course, you wouldn't
have gone around boasting about it.

[CHUCKLES]

No. Only to Lionel's friends.

Trouble is, it's too
late for that now.

There's no way I
can prove it to him.

It wouldn't make any
difference to Lionel

even if you got yourself a
high school diploma right now.

Now that's ridiculous.
How am I gonna do that?

You could take an
equivalency test.

A what?

I was reading
about it in the paper.

They've got tests for adults
who want to get their diplomas.

Hey... that's it!

That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take the test. Oh.

I'm gonna take the test!

I'm gonna take the test, Weezy!

Oh, boy, I should have
kept my big mouth shut.

No, you shouldn't,

because once a year,
you say something smart.

[LAUGHS]

You're not serious about taking
one of those tests, are you?

Sure I am. That way I can prove
to Lionel what I could've done.

Don't tell him I'm
taking the test.

And don't you say
nothing about it neither.

That'll be easy, 'cause I don't
know what you talking about.

Our George is gonna take a test

for his high school diploma.

Oh. And then he's gonna grow up?

He's trying to prove
something to Lionel.

Oh, he can't pass that test.

It's tough enough,
even for folks who know

the difference between
a hen and a rooster.

Yeah. I could have got
me a high school diploma

when I was a kid and
I can get me one now.

Oh, yeah? You want to

put your money where
your brains is, honey?

Twenty bucks says I can.

Put up or shut up.

This is one bet I
know I can't lose.

You'll never learn.

Who's gonna hold the bet?

Oh, I trust you.

Like I said, just put your
money where your brains is.

In your back pocket.

[CRACK]

Weezy!

Don't you know I'm over here

beating my brains out
trying to learn this junk?

Sure. What do you want?

Stop cracking your knuckles!

I'm not cracking my
knuckles. I'm cracking walnuts.

Then don't.

Well, how am I gonna eat them?

If you loved me, you'd eat
'em with the shells on 'em.

I'm sorry, George.

Look, just hold it down, okay?

These math problems are m*rder.

[SIGHS]

[QUIET CRACK]

What the hell was that?

I beg your pardon?

You cracking nuts again?

Do I look like I'm
cracking nuts?

Come over here and
help me crack this.

Listen...

[SIGHS]

"If Jane bought three blouses

"at $ . each,

"which were on
sale at percent off,

"and Sally spent twice as much

"buying five blouses
at their regular price,

how much..."

Don't ask me that, George.

Those problems always gave me
a headache when I was in school.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get that.

I don't want nobody
to see me studying.

Whoever it is, get rid of 'em.

And do it quietly!

Hi, Louise. Hi, girl.

Oh, hi, Tom, Helen.

We're on our way to that
new Chinese restaurant,

and we thought you
might like to join us.

Well, uh... Is something wrong?

It's George.

What's he up to now?

Uh, I can't tell you,

but I think you'd better go.

Where is he?

In the kitchen.

What's he doing?

Uh... cracking walnuts.

That's a switch.

I always thought George
was the nut who was cracked.

That's not fair, Helen.

George is doing something
that's very hard for him.

Doesn't he have a nutcracker?

He's very touchy right now,

and you know the effect you
two have on him sometimes.

Okay, girl. We'll leave quietly.

Oh, I knew you'd understand.

Well, well!

If it ain't the Willises!

I thought I heard
you all out here.

Well, don't just
stand there, Weezy.

Invite our friends in.

Huh?

You know, it's a shame.

You all live so close by,

and we never hardly
ever see you all.

We're neighbors, and neighbors
are supposed to keep talking.

Like, I was just telling
Weezy a few minutes ago,

how come we don't see
more of Tom and Helen?

Wasn't I, Weezy?

Don't ask.

Don't ask.

Well, George,
what's on your mind?

What do you want to talk about?

Ah! It's strange
you should ask that.

I was just thinking.

If Jane bought three blouses

at $ . each... Who's Jane?

Did I say Jane?

Oh, I didn't mean
Jane. I meant Weezy.

Where'd you find
blouses for $ . ?

I didn't buy any blouses.
George was just...

Look, you stay
out of this, Weezy.

This doesn't concern you.

So, now, she bought
these blouses at $ . each,

which were on sale
at percent off.

This is what you were
thinking about in the kitchen?

Yeah. It's quieter in there.

It would have to be.

Look, George... Hush up!

Would you let me finish
telling you what I got to say?

Anyway... Sally paid twice
as much for five blouses...

Who's Sally?

Sally, that's Weezy's sister.

Girl, I didn't know you
had a sister named Sally.

I don't.

And where's this store

that Jane's buying
blouses for $ . ?

You mean Weezy. Well, whoever.

Where's the store?

How should I know?

I ain't the one
buying the blouses.

George, they're entitled
to some answers.

I'm the one that
needs the answers!

All I got is questions!

Why are you yelling at Louise?

I think she's
perfectly wonderful,

saving you money like that.

Look, if you're not
gonna cooperate,

why did you come over here?

To invite you to dinner!

See, that's your
trouble, Willis.

You're always thinking
about your stomach.

If there's two
things I can't stand,

it's greedy, selfish neighbors.

I think we'd better leave.

Oh, hi, everybody.
What's happening?

BOTH: Don't ask.

I'll talk to you later.

Where you going, Lionel?

Oh, to the kitchen.

Mom, is any of
that potato pie left?

Don't go in the kitchen.
Your father's in there.

Well, that's okay, Ma.
He can have some pie too.

He's in there studying and
he doesn't want you to know.

What's he studying? Playboy?

He's studying for his
high school diploma.

Pop? Why?

Well, now, don't laugh.

He's got the crazy notion
that you're ashamed of him.

You're not laughing.

You know, I don't
think I'm really hungry.

Maybe I'll just catch
up on my books.

Uh, Lionel.

It is crazy, isn't it?

No, it's not crazy.

You're ashamed of your father?

I'm ashamed of me.

I guess you saw
the newsletter, huh?

Yes. I borrowed it from Jenny.

Oh.

Ma...

Ma, the reporter...

Well, the reporter
from the newsletter

interviewed me along
with the other new guys

at the same time.

He asked them all what
colleges their dads went to.

Well, Ma, they're all

Phi Beta Kappas,
Ph.D.s, stuff like that.

Well, so when he asked me

where my father graduated,
then I told him Harvard.

It just slipped out.

And you lied just like that?

I told myself I was
doing it for Pop's sake.

How?

Well, you know.

Making him look as
good as any of the others.

Yeah, I know that
wasn't really it.

I was doing it for my sake.

For one split second,

I was really ashamed of him.

Just for one split second?

Yeah.

So, how come you didn't want him

to meet your new
buddies the other day?

Were you afraid he
would embarrass you?

Oh, no.

See, I was afraid
they would tell him

about the story
in the newsletter.

Well, not that it matters.

He found out anyway.

Oh, Ma, what am I gonna do?

You are going in there
and straighten things out.

He's knocking his brains out,

so you'll be proud of him.

Well, I am proud of him.

Then tell him so!

Hi, Pop!

Lionel! Who let you in?

Um...

I have my own key, remember?

Um, would you like
some potato pie?

No. No, thanks.

What you doing in the kitchen?

Nothing. I was just thinking.

Oh.

You know, I've been
doing some thinking too.

You know those guys from
work I was telling you about?

Oh, your new buddies. Yeah.

Well, um, we're going
out again on Friday night.

That's nice.

I thought I'd ask 'em
up here first for a drink.

You know, to meet you and Mom.

Say what?

You want 'em to meet me?

Well, sure I do.

You're my dad, and...
And I'm proud of you.

You are?

Oh, you better believe it.

Hey, um, what's this?

Oh, uh...

that's just something
I was studying.

Hmm. What for?

Well, I was thinking about
taking my high school test.

You know, for the high school
diploma which I didn't get.

Are you jiving?

Now, what would a
guy with your smarts

need a diploma to
prove how clever he is?

Man, you've already
proved it where it counts.

You think so?

I know so.

You know, most of
those college dudes

couldn't do half of
what you've done.

Ha! That's true.

I mean, you know,

go on studying if you want to,

but, um, I think
it's a waste of time.

[LAUGHS]

So do I!

Ha!

Look, no more jokes about
me going to Harvard, okay?

No more... jokes.

I promise, Pop.

Hey, all right.

[LAUGHS]

Weezy! I ain't gotta
take the test no more.

You don't? Why not?

Because Lionel's bringing
his buddies up here.

He is?

Mm-hm. And like he was saying,

I ain't got to prove
nothing to nobody.

So ain't no reason for me
to take the examination.

Well...

Back to the damn books.

ANNOUNCER: The
Jeffersons was recorded on tape

in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin', movin' on up ♪