08x17 - A Case of Self-Defense

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Weez.

Weezy, honey.

Hey! Weez!

Hey!

What's the matter?

I'm in the mood for love...

George, you scared me
half to death!

I'm sorry, Weezy.

Well, now that you're up,
how 'bout it?

"How 'bout it?"

Just like that?

I mean, this is your idea
of romance?

Did you ever consider trying
a little tenderness?

Like whispering in my ear
or even kissing me
a little bit?

Look, Weezy,
if I had that much time
to k*ll,

I'd go make myself
a sandwich.

Forget about it.
I'll just go back to sleep.

Rise and shine, Romeo.

Now you woke me up
and you are gonna stay up
with me.

Ain't you being kinda
inconsiderate?

Well, you know
how much trouble
I had falling asleep.

Now I'm gonna be up
all night.

Look, Weezy,
will you stop worrying about
Lionel and Jenny?

They're fine.
Lots of people get robbed.

Just be glad
they wasn't home
when it happened.

But they live
in a security building.

If it could happen to them,
it could happen to us.

It's frightening.

Tomorrow, I'll get us
a foolproof security system.

What kind is that?

I'll put Florence's picture
on the front door.

George,
it's the front door?

You think it could be
Florence?

No. She's spending
the night with her friend,
Vera.

Oh, man,
why couldn't Florence
and Vera be here?

Those two faces together
are better than a SWAT team.

It's a burglar!
A burglar?
Go tell him we ain't home.

George, what are
we gonna do?

Call the cops.

C'mon, Weez!I can't.

Why not?

You remember yesterday
when we had that
big argument,

and I stormed in here
and slammed the door?
Yeah.

Well, I was so mad
that I kind of ripped
the phone from the wall.

Well, they're coming
to fix it tomorrow.

Aw, Weez.

I'm going out there.
But, George...

Don't try and stop me,
Weezy.

A man is supposed
to protect his home.

But, George...

It's a man's duty to
defend his family.

Oh, but what if, what if,
the one that's out there
has a g*n?

We're going to die, Weez.

George,
we can't just sit here.

Right.
I'm going.

Not without me,
you're not.

Okay.
The two of us'll go.

But not unarmed.
Find yourself a w*apon...

Weezy, we're supposed
to be on the same side,
remember?

He's right outside the door.
Stand back, I'm going out.

Freeze!

I got 'im, Weez!

It's a gorilla!

Hey, wait a minute.

Hold it.

Florence!

Don't worry,
I've got her right where
I want her.

I thought you were spending
the night at Vera's.

Well, I was,
but we had
a disagreement.

Hey, hey.

You know,
her boyfriend showed up.

And do you know
she invited him
to spend the night?

Yo, Florence...

Child, you know me.
I sure wasn't...

Hey, hey!

I'm sorry, Mr. Jefferson,
it just felt so natural.

Next time you mess with me,
you might not be so lucky.

Now I'll never be able
to go back to sleep.

As long as we're up,
let's have some
hot chocolate.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Wait a minute, Florence.

What was that for?

My new security system.

Florence,
you should've seen us.

I don't think George
has ever been
more terrified.

Uh, Weezy.

You're forgetting about
the time I was looking at
Florence's baby pictures.

The hair stood up
on the back of my neck.

It had to, to be able
to see your bald spot.

Oh. It's Sammy.

Everybody, freeze!

Sammy, what are you doing?

It sounded like
trouble in here.

I wanted to help.

Then why'd you bother
to ring the bell?

Well,
I couldn't just barge in.

That wouldn't be polite.

Sammy, please.

Are you afraid of g*ns,
Florence?

No, it ain't the g*ns.

It's the b*ll*ts
that come out of 'em
that worry me.

You see that, Weezy?
That's what we need.

If we had one of those baby's
we wouldn't have to worry
about nobody bothering us.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

No, it ain't.
We should have a g*n.
I'd feel safer.

Well, I absolutely refuse
to stay under the same
with a g*n.

You hear that, Weezy?
Now we gotta get a g*n.

No, George.

Oh, c'mon, Weezy,
open your eyes
and look around you.

We are living in
crazy times.

One out of every four people
is a psychopath.

One, two, three...

George is right about
one thing, Louise.

You watch the news.

All they talk about
is robberies,
muggings and m*rder.

Yeah! Lionel and Jenny
just got robbed.

The Willises got robbed
last year.

Almost everybody
you talk to has
gotten robbed.

Yeah, and look what happened
to Greendale's Grocery Store.

What happened?
They doubled
the price of melons.

Okay, I'll do it.

So?

So Greendale's took in
so much extra money,
that they got robbed, too.

And they wouldn't have,
if they had a g*n
to protect them.

George,
you don't understand.

If you have a g*n around,
you're just looking for
something awful to happen.

What's so awful about
a man wanting to
protect his family?

Louise, I used to feel
I the way you do,

but I'm not
a young man anymore.

I live alone now and frankly,
I fear for my safety.

That settles it, Weezy.
We gotta get a g*n.

No!

This whole subject
has gone far enough.

Now I absolutely forbid
you to bring a g*n
into our home.

But, Weezy...
No buts about it.
I mean it.

I'm going to bed now.
Sweetheart...

No.
The subject is closed.

Finished! No!
But, darling...

But I'm doing it
for you! Aw!

That's all right,
Quickdraw.

You don't need a g*n.

You could always
sh**t off your mouth.

Hey, Charlie!
Hey, Mr. Jefferson.

How come you ain't working
down at your bar?

Well, sir, you know in
all the years I've known you,
I've never made a social call.

So I thought I'd drop
by just to say "hi."

Pal to pal, buddy to buddy,
friend to friend.

You want me to pay
my bar bill, right?

You got it.

C'mon in.
Thank you, sir.

See, my accountant's
on vacation,

all my bills are piling up.

I was just working on 'em.
Oh, hey, Mr. Jefferson,

it's not that I need
the money or anything.

Well, it's just that,
you know, all the kids
have been on my back

about getting 'em some food,
and you know,

winter's coming on,
so the wife is whining
about heat.

You know how it is.

Yeah, I got the message.
How much do I owe you?

Oh, great,
here's the tab, sir.

Okay.
I'll write you a check.

Thank you.

Hey, nice bar you got here.

Kind of a beginner's
model, huh?

How about a drink?
Oh, allow me,
Mr. Jefferson.

Hey, sure.
Thanks, Charlie.

Great.
What'll you have?
The usual?

Yeah, sure.

Okay. Hey, Charlie?
Sir?

You got a minute to talk?

That's what I'm here for.

Step right up.
Ah.

Peanuts?
Yeah, don't mind if I do.

Say, Charlie.

When you're working,
do you ever worry
about being robbed?

Robbed? Nah.
Twist?

Yeah, sure.

I mean, but wouldn't you
feel safer if you had a g*n
to protect you?

Nah, Mr. Jefferson.

Somebody robs my bar,
all they're gonna get
is money.

Now you can always
replace money.

But you can't
replace people.

So where you need a g*n
is in your home to protect
your family.

Exactly!

A man is supposed
to defend his loved ones,
right?

Right.

You know.

I know this guy,

he's a good friend of mine,
his wife won't let him keep
a g*n in the house.

Hmm. Sounds to me like
your friend's a real wimp.

What?

I mean, he is?

Well, see, I got this theory.

The way I see it
a woman's a woman
and a man's a man.

You got a point there.

Well, I've always been
kinda deep, you know?

Anyway, if I were you
I'd tell this spindles
friend of yours

to stop lettin' his wife
push him around.

I mean, if this guy wants
a g*n in his home,
let him go out and buy one.

Right!
Right.

Uh, there is just
one thing, sir.

What?
If I were you,

I, uh, I wouldn't tell
Mrs. Jefferson
you bought it.

Thanks, Charlie.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Jefferson.
Keep the change.

Great.

Stop by again, sir.

See you later.

What a guy.
What a guy.

Oh, don't worry, Delores.

I know I have them
somewhere.

What was I looking for?

Your keys, Sammy.

Listen, you're not getting
nervous, are you?

Me?

You mean,
Sizzling Sammy Gelson,
nervous?

Surely you just.

What was I looking
for again?

Oh, hi there, George.

Hey, Sammy.
How you doing, Sammy?

Oh.

Oh, here are my keys.

Delores, wait for me
inside will you, please?

Okay.

But don't be too long.

I've got to get back
to the salon by
tomorrow afternoon.

George, I need help.

Have you tried oysters?

George, I don't know
how to read women.

Well, I always preferred
the braille method myself.

I only met this girl,
Delores, minutes ago.

As soon as she found out
that I write commercials,
she's been all over me.

Wow, tough break.

What ever happened to
good old fashioned courtship?

Whatever happened to
good old fashioned women?

That's why I wish
Agnes hadn't left me.

Agnes was an old
fashioned woman.

Agnes was an old woman.

Ah. Life is tough, George.

Over-anxious,
beautiful young things,

throwing themselves at you
every time you turn around.

You think that's fun?

Well, it used to be.

Well, I hope I get
through this okay.

How'd it go down
at the g*n shop?
Not so good.

I got to wait forever
to get a permit before
they'll sell me a g*n.

By that time, I could be
k*lled ten times.

Well, don't worry.

They say the last nine
are a lot easier.

DELORES: Sammy, hurry!

Look what's happening
to my life.

I'm nothing but
a piece of meat.

Hey.

Yeah?
What can I do for you?

I got something
that you want.

What are you
whispering about?
Speak up.

You wanna buy a g*n?
Shh!

I followed you here
from the g*n shop.

I noticed how disappointed
you were when you found out
you had to wait for a permit.

So, uh, maybe I can
help you out.

What, do you sell g*ns
door to door?

Yeah. Now.

In the sixties it was
peace medallions.

In the seventies it was,
uh, mood rings.

Now it's the eighties
and everybody
wants g*ns.

Oh!
Take a look
at my merchandise?

Yeah, sure.

Just remember.

I don't know your name
and you don't know mine.

Oh, I'm George Jefferson.

Theodore Boswell.
Nice to meet you.

Okay.

Now feast your eyes
on this baby.

It's the Walther P- .

Heavy alloy,
semi-a*t*matic with
a nine millimeter parabellum.

Very, very dependable.
Hmm.

And this one here,
that's its first cousin,
the P.P.K.S.

Three-eighty caliber,
double or single action.

It's easy to clean,
just move the slide,

pull up the trigger housing,
and release it forward.

Well?

Uh, don't you have
a metal one that
sh**t b*ll*ts?

Oh, a connoisseur, huh?

No, no. I just want
an American made one.

Okay.
I think this one is
right up your alley.

It's metal.
It does sh**t b*ll*ts.

Even you can fire it.
Hmm.

Well, what do you say?

I don't know.

Ain't that kinda illegal?

Hey, so is what a burglar
can do to you if you
don't have one.

Right.

I got to wait forever
to buy a g*n to protect
myself from a guy

who's breaking
the law anyway, right?
Yeah!

And the cops can't be
everywhere at the
same time, right?

Yeah!

And ain't nobody gonna
protect me and mine,
but me, right?

Hey, if you were selling,
I'd be buying.

Two hundred-fifty bucks.
What do you say?

Okay. I'll take it.
Do you accept checks?

No way.

But I do accept
major credit cards.

Uh, thank you.

Say, do you mind if
I use your phone?

No, help yourself.

Thanks.

Yeah, uh, card number four,
three, eight, two,

seven, six, two...

I think everything's okay.

Why don't you just sign
right here?

Well, George, its, uh,
been a real pleasure doing
business with you.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

You know,
I really appreciate this.
I feel safer already.

Good.

Listen, uh...

I like to do
something special
for my new customers.

So, here,
have a mood ring on me.

Thanks.

Peace.

What's that you called me?

Peep-squeak?

Short Stuff?

You know something?

This town ain't big enough
for the two of us.

Slap leather, Florence.

Who is it?

LOUISE: It's us, George.

Open the door,
our arms are full.

Okay.
Hold it, hold it.

George!

Coming, Weez.

Hi.

Why were you playing
The Good,
The Bad and The Ugly?

Yeah, we could hear it
all the way down the hall.

Oh, I didn't tell you?

My stores are running
a Clint Eastwood promotion.

Bring in a dirty poncho
and you get half off.

Yes, that's your Grandpa.

Too bad you didn't know
him before senility set in.

Hi, Jessica.

Give your wealthy grandpa
a great big smile.

LOUISE:
She's a little tired, George.

We've been shopping
all morning,

trying to replace
some of the things

that were stolen from
Lionel and Jenny.

Shall I show him
what we got?

Uh, why don't you show me
in the kitchen?

Why the kitchen?

Well, you got kitchen stuff,
don't you?

Yes.

Well, every room is named
for what you do in it.

You live in the living room,
you go to bed in the bedroom,

you take a bath
in the bathroom,

so let's go kitch
in the kitchen.

Okay, George.

And after that
we'll drive you to Bellevue

and watch you rub
in the rubber room.

Good one, Weez.

I'll be right in.

Mr. Jefferson, how come
you're acting so strange?

Strange?
Yes.

What were you up to
out there?

Up to?

George, must you answer
every question
with a question?

Question?

Okay,
you're hiding something.

What'd you do?
Did you burn another hole
in my sofa?

No.

Flood the bathroom?
No.

I know, you locked Florence
in the boiler room again.

No, but good thought.

George...

Weez, I'm not hiding
anything.

Just something I want
to talk to you about,

but I don't know
how to bring it up.

Oh, well, maybe it would be
better if I left...

No, no, no.
It's not about you
this time.

I really think we ought
to get a g*n.

Oh, George, not again.

GEORGE: Yes, again.

LOUISE: But we've gone
over this before.

I thought we had it settled.

GEORGE: It ain't settled.

This is important to me, Weez.

A g*n makes me feel safe
in my own house.

LOUISE:
Maybe you'll feel safe.

But I'll be terrified.

GEORGE: Look, it's my house
and I'll do whatever I want.

Can't I?

Oh, please, Weezy.
LOUISE: No.

You're not being reasonable.
LOUISE: No.

Can't we talk this over
like adults?
LOUISE: No!

George, don't you realize
g*ns k*ll people?

g*ns don't k*ll people.
People k*ll people.

Mr. Jefferson,

that's bumper sticker
philosophy.

Oh, yeah, well,
let me tell you
something young lady.

There's a lot of truth
to be found on the back
of a Buick.

LOUISE: I don't want to hear
any more about g*ns.

GEORGE: Why are you being
so stubborn about this?

I told you before,
g*ns scare me.

You know what scares me,
Weez?

The thought of somebody
breaking in here
and hurting you.

And me not being
able to do a damn
thing about it.

Now, if I had a g*n...

What was that?
Where's Jessica.

Oh, my God.

Jessica!

Jessica! Jessie!

Jessica!

Oh! She's okay.

She's okay.
She's just scared.

Give her to me. Oh!

What's this doing here?

Where did this g*n
come from?

Oh, dear God, George,
you didn't...

Weezy, it was an accident.

I mean, I didn't know
she was going to get
hold of it, I swear.

Jenny, you gotta believe me.
I didn't mean...

Look, Weezy,
I was just trying
to protect my family.

I didn't think...
That's right.

You didn't think.

Yeah, you're right.
I didn't think.

Look, I'm sorry.

Weezy, the g*n goes.
I swear.

I'll take it to the police.
It'll never hurt
anybody again.

Jenny,
can I hold her?

Please?