08x18 - My Wife, I Think I'll Keep Her

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Oh, god! Look at the monster!
Ain't it hideous?

Boy that's the ugliest thing
I've ever seen in my life.

Well, it's pretty ugly.

It's pretty big, too.

Look at all those tiny
little people trying to keep
from getting stepped on.

They must feel like you
coming home at rush hour.

George, can we please change
the channel now?

No! Not until
my commercial comes on.

-Oh, look!
-

The radioactive ant
is gonna swallow Tokyo.

Ain't this scary?

I ain't seen nothing on TV
that scared me yet.

And now
a word from our sponsor.
-Oh!

Hi! I'm George Jefferson.

Have you ever been
running late for work
in the morning

and you accidentally spill
some jam on your clean blouse?

Oops, how clumsy of me.

Or mustard?

Oh, darn!

Or maybe you're at
a French restaurant

and you accidentally spill
some gravy on your skirt.

There I go again!

Well, don't despair!
Just take off that blouse.

Oh, my!

And take off that skirt.

Goodness, gracious!

And bring them
to Jefferson Cleaners.

Seven locations, one near you.

-How convenient.
- Don't ad lib.

And maybe you're at the beach
and you accidentally spill
some ketchup on yourself.

I must be all thumbs.

Well, just bring
that bathing suit
to Jefferson Cleaners.

We clean everything!

Mr. Jefferson,
you're the best.

You got that right.

Author, author!

Woo-hoo.

Well, don't just sit there.
Tell me how great it was.

Well, I think
it's disgusting

to advertise
your cleaning stores
by using a sexy body.

Weezy, I can't help
the way I look.

Mr. Jefferson, you don't
have to use sex
to sell no product.

Why not?
Everybody else does it.

How about those
designer jean ads?

What sells 'em
is what's in 'em.

Well, I think your commercial
is absolutely offensive.

Look, Florence,
that is not fair.

You didn't hear me
use the word "offensive"

when you showed me
your baby pictures.

Ms. Jefferson, I think I'll go
lay down for a while.

You know, Mr. Jefferson,
I liked your baby pictures.

I just couldn't figure out
why the diaper
was around your face.

You know, George,
if you had asked my opinion,

I never would have let you
make that commercial.

-Really?
-That's right.

Boy, I'm glad
I didn't ask you.

In case you've forgotten,

I happen to be %
of Jefferson Cleaners.

So why didn't you consult me?

Because I didn't want
you to worry your
pretty little head, snookems.

George, you are
incredibly sexist.

Thank you, Weez.
You ain't too bad yourself.

Don't you realize
that your commercial
exploits women?

-Oh, come in.
-Hi, Louise.

Hi Louise.
Hi, George.

Uh, Louise, uh,
did we come at a bad time?

We heard some arguing
from outside.

Well, yes, George and I
were having
a little discussion.

Yeah, the little woman
thinks I'm a sexist.

HELEN AND TOM: Oh, no.

What's the matter?

Well, it's just that
Helen and I were
having an argument.

We came down here
to take our minds off of it.

And here you are
arguing about the same thing.

You were arguing
about my commercial?

No, we were arguing about
a book Tom's about to publish.

It was written
by E.G. Raymond.

M.D., PhD, and S.L.O.B.

Yeah.
I saw him on Donahue.

He thinks that women are
intellectually and physically
inferior to men.

That's the one.

So?

Well, he believes
that a women's place
is in the kitchen.

Oh, but, Louise,
that's not the point.

This is business.
This book'll make me
a lot of money.

And I might add, Helen,
a lot of money that'll buy you
a lot of pots and pans.

Pots and pans?

Pots and pans, I might add,
that you'll soon be wearing.

Goodbye, Louise.

Maybe that was
a poor choice of words.

I'd better go out
and buy a box of candy.

Oh, and while I'm out,
I'll get some flowers
for Helen.

Poor Willis. He sure
don't know how
to handle women.

Oh, and you do?

Certain- moi!

And if you'll follow me
to the bedroom,
I'll give you some lessons.

Mmm.

No thanks, George.

The way you teach makes me
doze off in class.

Hey, Weez, would you bring me
some coffee please?

Oh, well,
I don't know, George.

My place is in the kitchen.

Aw, Weezy, you still on that?

Well, of course, dear.

After all,
I am "the little woman."

I'm here to please my man.

And my job is to stay
barefoot and pregnant.

Just bring me
some coffee, okay?

Your wish is my command.

Call me if you want anything.

I'm here to serve.

-Weezy?
-Oh, yes, my King?

I seem to sense
a little sarcasm here.

Oh? Then you have
no other choice
but to beat me.

I'll be waiting in the bedroom
with the paddle.

-I'll get it.

No!
I don't want anybody
to see you like that.

Just keep out of sight.

George, I'm having
trouble with Helen
and I need your advice.

Okay, Willis.
I've got two pieces of advice.

-What?
-"Who cares" and "Get out."

George, please.
I really need your help.

Okay, okay. Sit down
and pour your heart out.

Oh. Well, you see...

LOUISE: George, aren't you
gonna beat me now?

Uh, George, was that Louise?

Uh, no, no, no.
That was a parakeet.

We took it in.
It was a victim of bird abuse.

It's a tragic story.
Go on, go on.

Oh. Well, see,
Helen's been yelling at me

about that book
ever since we left here.

She just
doesn't seem to understand
that it's business.

Of course she doesn't
understand business.
She's a woman.

-I do respect her opinion.
-Look, Willis.

Your company hired you,
not her, right?

Well, yes.

Okay, and your job is to
bring home the bacon.

Her job is to cook it.

Hold it.
That all sounds pretty
chauvinistic to me.

Well, I'm not a chauvinist,
I'm a realist.

And in reality, a woman
is supposed to stay out
of a man's business, right?

Now take me, for instance.

Weezy didn't like
my commercial.

You know what my reaction
to her was?

-What?
-Too bad.

You mean she didn't get upset?

Of course not.
I laid down the law.

And now she can't
do enough for me.

Look, she brought me
coffee and everything.

Ah. Helen pelted me
with bacon bits.

Look, Willis, my advice to you
is very simple.

You just go upstairs
and simply tell Helen that you
are the captain of your ship.

And a ship can't have
two captains

because the steering wheel
is too small for four hands.

You know, I can't believe it.

But I think what you just said
actually makes sense.

Of course it does.
I was in the navy.

Okay. If you can make Louise
stay out of your business
with the commercial,

I can make Helen
stay out of mine with a book.

Way to go, Willis.
When the going gets tough,
the tough get going.

-So get going, Willis.
-Great!

Oh, George,
I really appreciate
your advice.

And if there's ever anything
I can do for you...

Right.

Weez, what are you doing?

I'm going to make it up
to you for butting into
your business.

I was naughty.
I forgot my place.

Oh. Well, I don't know
if you really mean it,

but it sure sounds
good to hear.

Where're you going?

I'm gonna stand out
in front of your store

and tell everyone
who passes by

that I was naughty
and I forgot my place.

You wouldn't dare!

Just try me, buster.

Oh, come on, Weezy.
Look, okay, I'm sorry
about the commercial.

Now look, you and me
will sit down and we'll
make up a new commercial.

Just the two of us.
Okay? Hmm?

Oh, George.

Are you done, angel sweetness?

All finished, sugar lumps.

Do you people know
that you're making me sick?

Florence, we just had a fight
and we're making up.

Isn't that right,
fluffy wuffy?

That's right, honey knees.

Uh, uh, uh.
It's enough to make you weep.

Look, dearest. Here's a woman
who says she wants to run
for president.

Oh, I hope she wins.

Oh, me, too.
I live for the day a woman
gets to run this country.

I'll get that, beautiful.

FLORENCE:
Thanks, fluffy wuffy.

Willis, what are you
doing here?

George, I'm in shock.

Refrigerator on the blink?

No. Helen's thrown me out.

Oh, that's terrible.
What happened?

Well, I told her
to stop arguing with me
about that book.

I told her to stay out
of my business.

I told her that I am
the captain of the ship.

Yeah?
And what did she say?

Bon voyage.

Oh, Louise,
what am I going to do?

You gotta find
a place to stay.

If I were you I'd hustle over
to Central Park.

You know those benches
get used up quick.

Tom, why did you tell Helen
those things?

That doesn't sound like you.

Well, I thought Helen
would take it the way you did.

-The way I did?
-Say, g*ng.

Did you hear the one about
the monkey that tried
to hitch a ride

with the elephant?

Not now, Georgiekins.

But Tom, why didn't you
just handle the situation
the way George did?

He realized his mistake
and agreed

that I had every right
to be involved
in his business.

Isn't that right, baby gums?

George, may I have
a moment with you?

Wait a minute, Weez.
I gotta talk to Willis
in the kitchen.

Oh, Florence,
would you excuse us?

It may get
a little nasty in here.

Uh-oh, you mean you might
actually hit Mr. Jefferson?

Oh, yes, it could
come to that.

Oh, I have waited so long.

George told Tom to say that?

So you got thrown out
of your house.

Look on the bright side,
I'm happy.

Is something the matter there,
cream puff cheeks?

You worm.

I love you, too, swee...

Say what?

George, how dare you tell Tom
what to say to me?

What are you talking about?
He came to me.

He poured his heart out,
and he's my best friend.

And if you had enough sense,
you'd know there would be
some rough spots

in your marriage before you
married the bozo.

George, you astound me.

Why did you tell Tom
not to give into Helen,
and then you gave in to me?

I had to.
You were barefoot
and pregnant.

Oh, well, that's a long story.

Then you didn't really mean it
when you said you'd change
your commercial?

No!

Helen, I understand
there's been a recent vacancy
in your apartment?

That's right.

And I'd love to have you
as my guest.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where am I going to stay?

Here. With the captain
in his dinghy.

I'll send for my things.
Let's go, Helen.

Hey, you ain't leaving me
here on the Titanic.

Okay. Go ahead.
See if I care.

And Weezy, you remember
that thing about the woman who
wanted to run for President?

Well, the day she wins
is the day I move
to England, baby.

See, Willis, you thought
I wouldn't stick by you,
didn't you?

George, I've got no home.

Don't worry about it.
You still got me.

George, my stomach hurts.

Oh, come on, Willis,
don't worry about it.

They'll be back in an hour.
Trust me.

Are you sure?

Trust me.

It's been a week, George.

They'll be back in an hour.

Trust me.

Trust me.

You know,
I'd like to k*ll you.

But I'm late for work.

Why didn't you
wake me up this morning?

'Cause I forgot.

Besides, I had to iron
your shirt, remember?

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry I said
I wanted to k*ll you.

Oh, I'm in a bad mood.

I don't know why.

There's Helen.
I'm gonna beg her
to take me back.

Be cool, Willis.

Oh, George,

I love what you've done
with the apartment.

Yes, it looks like
a page out of
Better Homes and Alleys.

It's comfortable, okay?

Tom, shouldn't you be at work?

Yes, dear, I should.

-But you see,
George didn't wake me.
-Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What my roomie means
is we took off from work today
deliberately to do nothing.

So we could see
what the world was like
from a woman's point of view.

Come on, Helen. Let's not
waste our time talking to Tom
and The Missing Link.

Help me pick out
which purse to take
to the concert tonight.

Concert?
George, they're having fun.

So are we.

We had a load of fun
last night.

Boy, me and Willis
toasted marshmallows
last night.

Yeah, over a roaring blender.

Ow, you know that spot's
still tender.

That's where you stuck me
with the TV antenna.

Well, you should have let me
watch that show
about woodcarving.

Oh, you didn't want to watch
that show.

You just didn't want to
let me see Julia Child.

You saw it
the day before yesterday.

How many times could you watch
somebody gut a duck?

I love this guy.

-He's a laugh a minute.
-

Well, how're you girls
been getting along?

Oh, just fine.

George, what's in that pan?

Eggs.

Are they supposed to be gray?

George!
That's my sock!

I've been looking
everywhere for it.

Well, it's your
own fault, Willis.

You know anything
in the refrigerator's
fair game.

Come on, Louise.
We've seen the living room.

Are you sure you have
the courage to go into
the bedroom?

No, don't look in there.

Why not?

'Cause it's a little dirty.

So, uh, Helen.

Have you, uh,
been eating well?

Oh, great. Great.

Why, just last night,
Florence cooked us
a delicious dinner.

What was it?
Tell me.

Willis, be strong.

Shut up, George!

Tell me.

Where should I begin?
Everything was so good.

Well, the shrimp cocktail
was just superb.

Ahh. And the prime rib
just melted in my mouth.

And dessert!
Oh, the chocolate mousse pie
was beyond belief.

-Control yourself, Willis.

Remember, tonight we're
having Raviolios.

Helen, please take me back.
I'm begging you.

Look, I'm wasting away.

-Willis.
-Helen. Helen.

I can't take living
with George anymore.

You ought to see what
he looks like in the morning.

Willis, you disgust me.
You know that?

How could you
desert me like this?
I'd never do that to you.

What are you talking about?
If you hadn't deserted me
in the first place,

I wouldn't be down here
eating my own clothing.

Stop messing up the place.

Oh, Helen, I miss you so much.
I'm going crazy without you.

Oh, Tom, I've missed you, too.

Oh, I'm sorry, Helen,
I ignored your feelings
about the book.

I'll never do it again.

Oh, Tom,
that's all I ever ask.

Oh, come on.
Let's go home, snookems.

You know, George,
the biggest mistake
I made this past week

was being stupid enough
to listen to you.

Just think.
I spent five hours ironing
that guy's shirt.

Well, George,
do you have anything
to say to me?

Yeah, Weez.

What do you use
to get shaving cream
out of a toaster?

Goodbye, George.

Weez?

What, George?

I'd kinda like
for you to stay.

I'd like to stay too, George.

But I think you know
why I can't.

Yeah, I guess.
Well, uh, can we
sit down and talk?

On that couch?

Here you go, sweetheart.

Whatever you do,
don't slide your hand
under the newspaper.

Okay, Louise.

Over this past week
I've been doing
a lot of thinking.

-And I realized something.
-Thank goodness.

Yeah, I know I talk a lot
of stuff, like when I call you
the little woman

and, uh, say
I'm the captain of the ship.

Well, I just want
to apologize for that.

-You do?
-Yeah.

I can understand how a woman
would take that wrong.

-Goodbye, George.
-No, wait, wait, sorry, Weez.

Okay now,
what do you
want me to do?

I want you
to say our marriage
is a partnership.

Okay. Our marriage
is a partnership.

I want you to mean it.

I do mean it.

And, Weez, I shouldn't have
done that commercial
without talking to you first.

Well, George, I just
wish you'd remember

that I'm %
of Jefferson Cleaners.

You're more than that, Weez.
You're % to me in my life.

Oh, George.