08x25 - Do Not Forsake Me, Oh, My Helen

[bunniefuu]

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To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

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We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin'
wrong with that

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To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

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We finally got
a piece of the pie

Florence, the door.

No, Florence, the maid.
Mr. Jefferson, the door.

You know, Weez,
I'd throw her
out on the street,

if there wasn't a law
against littering.

-What?
-Louise, may I borrow
your blue scarf?

Louise, if you're
a true friend, you will not
lend her that scarf.

Do you know
what she wants it for?

-What?
-She intends to wear it!

You wouldn't!

Oh, yes,Helen's going out with
an old boyfriend.

It's just a little lunch.

There's no such thing
as "a little lunch."

Not if you're ordering, Willis.

Get out of here,
both of you.

George.

Come on, Weezy,
High Noon'scomin' on.

That's my most favorite
program of all time.

Tom, there's nothing wrong
with a woman seeing
an old friend.

It sounds perfectly
innocent to me.

Innocent? Ha!
Let me read you this letter.

''Dear Helen..."
"Dear." That kills me.

"Have thought about you
often over the years.

"Can't wait to
see you and renew
our old friendship."

And here's the worst part,
"Love, Darryl Hampton."

Innocent, huh?
This man is after your bod!

Tom, I'm telling you
he's just a friend.

Oh, sure.

Aw, come on, Mr. Willis.

Don't you think
it's possible for a man
and a woman to be friends

with no romance involved?

No.

Of course
it's possible, Tom.

Florence is
a perfect example.

There's absolutely
no romance in any
of her relationships.

Uh, uh...

Come, Helen,
I'll get you that scarf.

Florence, would you mind
leaving us alone
for a minute?

I'd like to have
a man-to-man talk
with George.

Well, okay,
but you're one man short.

And I do mean short.

George, what do you
think I should do?

Well, it's obvious, Willis.
You should fight the guy.

Oh, no,
I couldn't do that.

Well, go ahead then.
Lose your wife.

You really think
I could lose her?

Well, look, let's
put it this way. Who cares?
The movie's comin' on.

-But, George...
-Shh! High Noon!

Do not
forsake me oh, my darling

Say, say, Clyde, Clyde.
That song's kind of sad.

Don't you know
anything happier?

Sure.

Gray skies
are gonna clear up
put on a happy face

Clyde, Clyde.
Hold it, Clyde.
This here is the Old West.

That song ain't been
written yet.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, my darling,
Clementine

Hey, bring me a beer.

I worked up
a powerful thirst
punching cows all day.

Yeah. Well,
from the looks of your face,
you lost a few rounds.

Hold it!
That beer looks flat.

All right,
how 'bout the rest of you?
Your beers okay?

Hey, Clyde, Clyde.
Go on play somethin' pretty.
Miss Weezy's a comin'.

Clyde, Clyde, Clyde.
Song ain't been
written yet either.

Oh, my darling,
Clementine

Hiya, wranglers!

ALL: Howdy, Miss Weezy!

Well, I reckon I better
mosey on over

and open up shop.

Miss Weezy, I got me
a terrible problem.

Well, that happens
to a lot of wranglers

after sittin' in
the saddle too long.

No, no, it's not that.

Now you know
I'm the best darn cowpoke
west of the Pecos,

but, you know,
lately I just can't seem
to relate to my cattle.

Well, here's a pamphlet
that might help.

"Your Heifer and You."

And you come by
on Thursday night.

Some of the cowpokes
like to get together

with their livestock
and just rap.

Thank you, Miss Weezy.
I'm much obliged.

Thank you, Miss Weezy.
I'm much obliged.

Hey, Charlie,

you know that's
some woman there.

I wouldn't mind
puttin' my brand
on her myself.

Yeah? Well,
I wouldn't do that
if I were you, partner.

Why she belongs
to the roughest,
toughest, meanest

and shortest hombre
north of the Rio Grande.

Howdy, Ralph,
how's my favorite undertaker?

Well, business
is a little slow, sir.

Oh, really?

That one's on me.

You're too kind, sir.

Well, you know,
that goes for bein'
the fastest g*n in the West.

Make that
the second fastest, Baldy.

All right.

Slap leather, Florence.

What's wrong with you?
All I said was,
"How's the weather, Florence?"

You sure are touchy.

Howdy, George.

Hi, Weez.

I want to talk to you
about last night.

Yeah, what about it?

Well, there are times
it's a little frustrating

when you're married
to the fastest g*n
in the West.

Later, Weez.

Line 'em up, Charlie.

Yes, sir. What'll it be?

Give me the usual,
banana daiquiri
in a dirty glass.

Yes, sir.
The usual dirty banana?

-You got it.
-Yes, sir.

George, you've been so busy
k*lling off the townspeople,

that I hardly get
to see you anymore.

I wish we had
a normal life like those
lovebirds, the Willises.

Now just one minute, Helen.
You've gone too far.

Why were you
winking at Otis,
the telegraph operator?

Oh, Tom,
he's just a friend.

And Sven, the blacksmith?

He's just a friend.

MEN: Hi, Helen!

The Seventh Cavalry?

They're just friends, Tom.

Well, look who's here.
The fattest man
east of the Rockies.

When he breaks a horse,
he a breaks a horse.

Tom, don't look so worried.

I'm sure Helen
would never go out
with another man.

Bye, Helen. Bye, Myron.

Who's Myron?

ALL: He's just a friend.

Father!

Why, it's Miss Jenny.
The prettiest little filly
this side of,

uh, Philly.

Father, a letter just
arrived for Mother.

A letter?
Well, let me see that,
my child.

"Dear Helen."
"Dear." That kills me.

"Have thought about you
often over the years.

"Can't wait to see you
and renew our old friendship."

And here's the worst part.

"Love, Pecos Darryl.

"P.S. I'm a gonna
k*ll your husband."

Father,
what does this mean?

Her boyfriend's back
and there's gonna be trouble

Hey-la, hey-la
her boyfriend's back

Say, what do you reckon
to do about that letter?

Well, I guess there's
only one thing I can do.

Set 'em up, Charlie.

Whoa, Mr. Willis.
I think you've had
enough, sir.

I'll be the judge of that.

Okay, sir.
You're the boss.

Will you put
that thing down?

Don't you know that
Pecos Darryl is coming here

to take your wife
away from you?

What do you intend
to do about it?

Well, I've got half a mind
to write a letter
to my Congressman.

You're right
about one thing.
You do have half a mind.

Well, what should I do?

You should call him out.
You should have a showdown,
you and him.

We're in
the Old West, remember?

Look at our clothes.

Oh, yeah.

Look, trust me.
You should fight
for your wife.

You're right, George.
I'm gonna fight.

A showdown it is!

So, you're really
going to fight this k*ller,
eh, Mr. Willis?

You bet I am!

Well, don't you worry
about a thing, sir.

This Pecos Darryl
may be fast,

but you're
an extra-large, I see.

Listen, Clyde,
you still got the box
that piano came in?

Oops, I just remembered.
I don't own a g*n.

Hey, Homes.

Now you got one.

Gee, thanks, George.

But wait a minute.
There's one other problem.

I don't know how to use it.

Don't worry about it.
That's my specialty.

All right, I want
three of you men

from that table
to stand over there

and put a glass
on your head. Now!

Now watch carefully.

The first thing you gotta do
is relax. See?

It's all in the wrist.

Draw and then you...

See that?
I didn't break
a single glass.

Now you go ahead
and draw.

All righty.

George, it doesn't seem
to be working right.

Don't worry about it.
You've got two hours.

By that time,
I'll teach you to be the fastest
gunfighter in the West.

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Programs, get your programs!

Can't tell the gunfighters
without a program!

George...

Hey, Weezy. I did it.

I made old Willis
the baddest gunfighter
in the whole West.

Sorry about your horse,
but it was for a good cause.

I don't think
you should have
gotten involved.

Oh, no, ma'am,
Miss Weezy, this is terrific.

Why business is going
through the roof.

But on the other hand,
what are friends for?

Oh, Mr. Jefferson,

how could you have
done this to my father?

Why he's always been
a gentle man.

A kind man.
A compassionate man.

And now he's gonna die.

Yeah. So?

Hey, anybody here
wanna marry my ma?

Hey, everybody,
Pecos Darryl's a-comin'

and, boy, he's got
fire in his eyes.

You Tom Willis?

What if I am? No, I ain't!

I'm Pecos Darryl.

Oh. My pleasure.

I got me an appointment
to g*n down

a yellow-bellied polecat
named Willis at noon.

Oh, yeah?
Well, let me
tell you somethin'.

You are dealing with the
meanest yellow-bellied polecat
I have ever seen.

Hey, everybody.
Tom Willis is a comin'.

And he looks like
his feathers are ruffled.

Howdy, y'all.

Charlie. Red eye.

Uh, no, sir. Pinkeye.
But thanks for asking.

Tell Wide Ride over there

I'm gonna chew him up
and spit him out.

Hey, Wide Ride,

Pecos Darryl here says
he's gonna chew you up
and spit you out.

Oh, yeah? Well,
tell Bigfoot over there

he'd better start
making tracks while
there's still time.

He said you better
start making tracks
while there's still time.

Oh, yeah?
You tell him I'm gonna
fill him full of holes.

He told me
to tell you he's gonna
fill you full of holes.

Oh, yeah,

well, you tell him that
if he kills me,

you're gonna g*n him down
like a dog.

He said good luck.

Well...

Let's get to it.

Oh, excuse me.
This is my first gunfight.

Of course
it would be better
if we faced each other.

No, no.
I'll move over there.

Go for your g*n.

You first.

No. You first.

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Okay, Walrus...

That's Wide Ride to you.

You got it.
I'm calling you out.

Now draw!

Tom, what's going on here?

Well, sweetheart,
I'm trying to
defend your honor.

What's left of it.

But, Goober Cheeks,
why are you wearing
that Indian headdress?

Oh, Tom,
you're always so suspicious.

I'm telling you,
the Apaches are
just good friends.

Darryl. Long time no see.

Hey, baby. How 'bout lunch?

Say in about five minutes?

Hey, lunch,
that sounds terrific.

Not you! Draw!

Oh, right, sorry.

Tom, don't do this.

Stand back, Helen.

A man's got to do
what a man's got to do.

All right, make your move.

I did it! I won!

Thanks, folks.

First, I'd like
to thank George.
Where are you, George?

He's the man
who taught me to sh**t.

And now I'd like
to thank Miss Weezy for
the use of the hall.

And I'd like to thank
all the little people.

You already thanked
Mr. Jefferson.

And of course,
my lovely wife...

You turn my stomach!

Helen, honey.
You seem unhappy.

I'm disgusted!

The man I married
was a gentle man,

a loving man.

Not some old
macho meathead

who solves his problems
with a g*n.

But, Honey Lips,
I was afraid he would
take you away from me.

What? Don't you give me
any credit?

I mean, after all
we've been through?

I'd never let
Darryl do that.

I'd never let
any man do that.

Oh, what a relief.

I'll do that on my own.

I'm leaving you.
Goodbye. Forever.

Boy, what a movie!
You know something?

That Gary Cooper was really
a man's man.

I bet you
if he was alive he'd have
been a dry cleaner.

Come on, Willis, stand up.
I'm gonna show you
how to defend yourself.

Oh, uh.
Just a minute, George.

Helen, get out here!

What're you doing?

I'm going to
handle this my way.

What is it, Tom?

Helen, I've thought
this thing through and I've
reached my decision.

You're going out
with that Darryl
whatever his name is

and you're going to have
a good time with him
this afternoon

whether you like it or not!

Well, I don't like it.
And how dare you
order me around...

What did you say?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey,
I acted that way.

I trust you.
I had no right to tell you

whom you can see
and whom you can't.

I have faith
in our relationship
and I have faith in you.

Oh, Tom.

Weezy, get the Tums.

George, get lost.

Sweetheart,
I've learned my lesson.

And I promise
that no matter
how big, strong,

and handsome
this guy Darryl is,

I will not
be jealous of him.

Hello. The doorman said
I could find Helen Willis here.

Darryl!

Oh, you haven't
changed a bit!

Neither have you.
Oh, Darryl Hampton,

I want you to meet
my friends George
and Louise Jefferson.

Hello.

And this is my husband,
Tom Willis.

Hello, Darryl.

Oh, what kept you so long?

I mean, why be
such a stranger?

Helen's been
looking forward to this.

Pleased to meet you.

Oh, look,
mi casa es su casa,
okay, fellow?

Tom, will you be
joining Helen and me
for lunch?

Oh, no, no.

You two have
a lot to talk about
by yourselves.

No, you just run along
and have a terrific lunch.
I mean, terrific.

Make it the lunch
of the century.

Have a great time.
Bye-bye.