09x03 - Anatomy of a Stain

[bunniefuu]

-

-

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

-

-

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin'
wrong with that

-

-

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

-

-

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Florence, where's my lunch?

What is this?

Well, now
the stuff on top
is called peanut butter.

The stuff
on the bottom
is called jelly,

you can tell the difference
by the different color.

Together they form
what is known
as peanut butter and jelly.

I hate
peanut butter and jelly.

And as the boss,
I demand something else.

Okay, boss.

Now, you have
jelly and peanut butter.

You know something,
the longer she works for us,

the lazier she gets.

Oh, that's not true, George.

Oh, no?
What'd you have for
breakfast this morning?

Uh, well,
I made Florence and her
friends some eggs.

-See what I mean.
-Oh.

Well, look, George.
I'm sure the only reason
she made you a sandwich

is because
there's nothing else
in the house.

-What?
-

Oh, get that, will you?
I'm marinating my steak.

-Weez!
-Oh, no, George, don't fret.

The steak I had
was a little tough anyway.

Oh, hi, Helen. Tom.

Oh, hi, Louise.
Is George home?

Yes, but please
come in anyway.

No, you see, this time,
we want to see him.

We had a little problem
with some cleaning
George did for us.

-Problem?
-Well, you know me
I'm an easy going guy.

I don't like
to make waves.
But frankly speaking,

today, I'm really ticked off.

Oh, you've been barred
from the "All You Can Eat"
joint again?

George,
Tom is your friend.

We all have
our crosses to bear, Weez.

Helen's yours.

Yes. Even the best homes
have roaches, Louise.

George is yours.

Well, now, as I was saying,

Helen and I were
going out to have dinner
at our favorite restaurant,

and I was going to wear
my favorite suit.

Well, actually,
it's my favorite suit
of Tom's.

It makes him look
kind of continental.

Oh, yeah, he does look
like about the size
of Australia.

So what happened
to your suit, Tom?

Well, we took it into
your cleaning store.

And it came back like this!

Oh, Tom,

I'm sorry about the stain.

Well, we'll send these
trousers back downstairs,

and George will
clean them again.

Oh, but I'm afraid, Louise,
that this stain is permanent.

Look, it happens.

Okay, I'm the best,
but even the best can't
get out every gravy stain.

Excuse me, George.
But this stain is not gravy.

-It's chocolate.
-How do you know?

-Well, I... I tasted It.
-What?

Well. I didn't
want to come down here
making reckless accusations.

Oh, well, look,
the simple fact
of the matter is

that there was no stain
when we brought
the pants in to you.

So it must have happened
at your cleaners.

Unless the customer left
a chocolate bar in the pocket
when he brought it in.

I did not.

Okay, look, Willis.
It's the Jefferson Cleaners
policy to pay for everything.

-How much do I owe you?
-$ .

$ ?

That's a lot of money
for a suit,

but of course,
it could be used to cover
the infield at Yankee Stadium.

Anyway, like I said,
we pay for everything.

Even if it is your fault.

Just a minute, George.
I want to make it
perfectly clear that

there was no
chocolate bar in this pocket.

Now there's a principle
involved here.

The truth is at stake here,

and the truth is that,

-well, your store
was at fault.
-No way!

Oh, now look, Tom,

George offered to
pay for the pants.

Why don't we just
leave it at that, okay?

I'm sorry, Helen, I can't.

Not until George admits
that the whole thing
was his mistake.

What? My only mistake
was taking your pants
in the first place.

Next time,
why don't you
take 'em someplace

where they can handle
a big job like that.

Like the Cleveland Blimp Works.

Oh, well...
Oh, that does it.

There's just no
dealing with you.

Oh, no.
There's no talking to you.

And what's more,
you're an incompetent
dry cleaner.

What?

Incompetent dry cleaner?

Okay, just for that,

I ain't gonna clean
that circus tent
you call pants.

-But you agreed!
-Sue me.

You know something, George.

I'm steamed enough
to haul you into court.

Haul me into court then!

My goodness,
I ain't never heard y'all
fight like that before.

-Florence,
were you listening?
-Naturally.

You know, Mr. Jefferson,
your argument
would be perfect

for that TV show,
Video Verdict.

Video Verdict?

You ain't never seen
Video Verdict,child?

Well, two parties agree

to let an ex-judge
hear their case for 'em

in front of
everybody watching T.V.

I don't know.
It sounds a little silly to me.

Well, I've seen it.
And it's unbelievable.

People say
the dumbest things
on that show.

Well, like I said,
Mr. Jefferson would be
perfect for it.

We ain't going
to no Video Verdict.

They make people
look ridiculous!

Only a complete fool
would even consider
going on a show like that.

Video Verdict.

Oh, no!

Hey, that's not
a bad idea, George.

Oh, Tom,

you're not actually
considering going on
television with this.

Yes, I am.

And you know why, George?

Because I want America
to see you proven wrong.

Yes, the more
I think about it,

I believe
that T.V. court show
is a valid option.

Come on, Helen, let's go.
I've got a case to prepare.

Oh, and call Jim.

Is Jim your lawyer?

No, he's our caterer.

I can't stand it!

You know what
he called me, Weez?
An incompetent dry cleaner.

I don't believe
he would say that to me.

I'd never insult him.

George, people say things
when they're upset.

Right Mr. Jefferson.

And if you ain't gonna
eat this peanut butter
and jelly sandwich,

I wish you'd throw it out,
it's making me sick.

George, don't jeopardize
your friendship over
a silly stain.

Just give Tom
some time to calm down,

then offer to pay
for the damages.

He'll take it,
and then you'll maintain
your reputation

-as a fair
and honest businessman.
-I don't care.

And you'll also solve
your lower back problem.

I don't have
no lower back problems.

You will after sleeping
on that couch tonight.

You just made me care.

So I'll tell him
you're willing to solve this
thing like a gentleman.

You tell him I hope
he chokes on his lousy,
stinking, filthy bucks.

I'll paraphrase, okay?

Tsk tsk tsk tsk.

What are you
"Mmm, mmm-ing" about?

Did your stomach
just realize that you're the one
that cooked the steak?

No. I was just
looking forward

to seeing you and Mr. Willis
go at it on Video Verdict.

We are not
going on Video Verdict.

Why should I let them
use my talent to help
their lousy ratings?

sh**t, their ratings
ain't lousy.

I mean, all my friends
watch that show.

Big deal. One viewer.

Look, I read somewhere
that in the New York
area alone,

over four million people
watch that show.

Now that's eight million eyes
blinded by the glare
of your bald head.

Eight million people?

That's four million eyes
watching me.

Hearing all the glory
that's Jefferson Cleaners.

Anyway, I think
you made the right decision.

I mean, like you said,
only a complete fool would
consider going on that show.

Video Verdict.

-It figures.
-

Good news, George!

I was talking to Tom

and now he has something
he wants to say to you.

Well, George, I guess
this whole thing kind of got
blown out of proportion.

Hey steak!

Anyway, I mean,
if it's all right with you,

-I'll allow you
to pay for my suit!
-Huh!

Why quibble over
whose fault it was?

The important thing is
that we're both
still friends.

-Fat chance, fat man!
-What?

-I'll see you in court.
-Wha...

Okay, quiet please.
Standing by.

In five, four, three, two.

ANNOUNCER: Now entering
the courtroom,
the plaintiff, Tom Willis.

He claims that he brought
his new suit into Jefferson
Cleaners to be cleaned,

but what he got back
was a mohair chocolate sundae.

He's suing the defendant
for $ .

And now the defendant,
George Jefferson,

owner and operator
of Jefferson Cleaners.

He claims the plaintiff
left a chocolate bar
in his pocket

when he brought
the suit in,

and therefore,
the plaintiff is responsible
for the stain.

It appears we have
the making of a very
interesting case here

on Video Verdict.

And now,
Judge Cronin is entering
the courtroom.

Let's join him as he hears
the case of

''Who took who
to the Cleaners. "

The participants
have been sworn in.

Will the plaintiff
please state his case.

Certainly, Your Honor.

Now, you see,
I took my pants
into Jefferson Cleaners.

I object, Your Honor!

Mr. Jefferson, this is
not a real court.

This court does not
recognize objections.

I'm sorry, Your Highness.

The reason I object
is because

the plaintiff said
he took the pants
to Jefferson Cleaners.

But he didn't specify
which Jefferson Cleaners.

You see, sir,
I have seven locations.

One near you.

Objection overruled.

Grease stains,
no problem.

Grass stains,
no problem.

-Knock It off.
-No problem.

Go on, Mr. Willis.

Yes, your Honor.
It's very simple.

You see,
I took the pants in,
no stain.

I got them back,
pure milk chocolate.

-Do you have any evidence?
-Yes, I do, Your Honor.

Here is exhibit A.

How do you know that
this is milk chocolate?

Well, I, um...
I tasted it.

Speak up, please.

-I tasted it!
-

Now look, my husband
may taste pants,

but by gosh,
he has right on his side!

-Order! Order!

Mr. Jefferson, would you
state your case, please?

Thank you, Your Holiness.

Oh...

Uh, one thing sir,
my wife bought
her dress first.

Anyway, I'd like to open
my case by stating that

anyone that comes
into Jefferson Cleaners

and mentions "Video Verdict"

will have half off
on their dry cleaning.

And secondly,
I'd like to say
Jefferson Cleaners,

where clean is
our middle name,

is not guilty
of the charges.

And I'd like to claim
that that man,

Tom Willis, left a candy bar
in his pants pocket

which caused the stain.

-That's a lie!
-

Oh, I'm sorry.
I got carried away.

Okay.

Now, how do you
intend to prove that

Mr. Willis caused the stain?

You mean, the plaintiff?

Yes, yes. The plaintiff.

Elementary, Your Majesty.

The plantiff
never leaves home
without chocolate.

Have him empty
his pockets right now.

But, Your Honor,
this is an outrage.

No, no, no,
I know that this is
an unorthodox request,

but I'm intrigued.

Oh, but, Your Honor...

Besides, I own this show,

so empty your pockets.

Oh, he's hidin' it.

What's that last object?

Oh, this? Oh, it's just
a little chocolate kiss.

Come on, Willis.
Come clean!

Everything!

Now wait a minute.
I believe every man
has the right

to carry
emergency chocolate.

Isn't he pitiful?
Isn't he pitiful?

I'd like to present
exhibit B.

Which shows that not only
was the plaintiff wrong
about his accusations,

but he's also
grossly overweight.

But you be the judge.

Thank you.

Now, Mr. Willis,
do you have any witnesses?

Just one, Your Honor.

-My wife.
-Oh, oh, oh, oh.

What's the matter now,
Mr. Jefferson?

I'm not trying
to influence your decision,
Your Honor,

but this woman
has a subscription
to Cosmopolitan.

Enough said.

George, I subscribe
to that, too.

You're destroying me, Weez.

Go on please, Mrs. Willis.

Your Honor, I swear

there was no candy bar
in that pocket.

I always go through
Tom's pockets.

And they call that
a marriage. Huh!

I went through them
and they were empty.

Just like
the defendant's head!

Oh, yeah?

Well, in ,

did you not leave
a Jelly bean in your
husband's vest pocket?

No!

Mr. Jefferson, that is
hearsay and inadmissible.

Okay,I withdraw the question.
But the seed is planted.

The damage is done.

Well, I'm afraid
in your case, that the damage
is irreversible.

Now...

Do you have any witnesses?

Yes, Your Honor,
my sweet, lovely,

she would
die-for-her-country wife,

who, I might add,

has been on the verge
of a nervous breakdown

ever since these
proceedings began.

I'll help you, darling.

I would like to
say a few words

about my wonderful husband,

George Jefferson
of Jefferson Cleaners.

A cleaner who cares.
-Oh, yeah.

A cleaner who cares.

He was born
the son of a sharecropper.

He was so poor

that in order to buy
a five-cent cup of coffee,

he had to find
four other investors.

-He...
-What?

What has this got to do
with the case?

I have no idea,
Your Honor.

My husband
made me say it.

Oh, then that's enough.

And he made me
wear this dress.

Please, Mrs. Jefferson.

And I begged him.
"Give Tom the money,"I said.

She's rambling, Your Honor.

Her medication
is wearing off.

Did anyone ever tell you
that you look like Tom Sellick?

He wanted me to
say that, Your Honor,

but I have my limits.

I think that
I have heard enough.

I'll take a brief recess

and then be back
with my decision.

Look, honey,
he's taking my pants.

Maybe he wants
to taste them, Tom.

We'll be right back
with Judge Cronin's decision

right after
this commercial break.

Okay, folks,
this is a commercial break.

Everybody relax and please
hold your positions.

George, I'm afraid
you're gonna lose.

Come on, Weezy, who cares?

I'm just in this
for the free advertising.

You mean,
you dressed me up
in this ridiculous dress,

dragged me down here,

made me recite
that stupid story,

and had me
to embarrass myself

in front of
millions of people

just so you could get
some free advertising?

Yeah.

Well, George, you deserve
whatever you get.

'Cause you're gonna
lose this case,

which will tell
every customer you have

that Jefferson Cleaners
is no good.

Really?

Okay!
We're back, everybody.
Standby please.

In five, four, three, two.

ANNOUNCER: And here comes
Judge Cronin now.

Well, I've reached
my decision.

This man,
Mr. Jefferson...

Hang him, child!

Thank you
for your thoughts.

As I was saying,

it seems to me that
the verdict in this case
is pretty obvious...

Uh, you look tired, judge.

What?

Look, I know you get tired
of doing this junk
day after day.

Here, let me take
a little pressure off you.

But Mr. Jefferson,
I've already reached
my decision.

But your decision
don't mean nothing.

I mean, it's obvious
that the whole trial's
going my way,

but I don't care
about the fact
that I'm right.

There's something else
that's been gnawing at me.

I see here
an unhappy customer.
That hurts.

And being the kind
and generous dry cleaner
that I am,

who gives half off
for the hectic
Christmas Season...

I have no alternative but

to pay the plaintiff
for his suit.

You still haven't admitted
it was your fault,
you little weasel.

What a testimonial!

But that's the way we are
down at Jefferson Cleaners.

We care.

And for the hearing impaired,

that's Jefferson Cleaners.

Well, a rather
surprising conclusion
to our case.

And a rather generous
gesture on the part
of Mr. Jefferson.

Well, what can I say?
I mean, I guess
I was just cursed

with a generous nature.

But that's the way I am.
That's the whole policy
of Jefferson Cleaners.

Hold it! Cut it! Cut!

What do you mean "hold"?
Man, I'm working here.

Not anymore.

-What's up?
-It's a wrap.

We can't use
this whole segment.

-Oh, I'm sorry.
-Say what? Why not?

Well, because
Clarence Darrow here didn't let
the Judge make his ruling.

Sorry, folks.

What are you talking about?
I was a bigger hit than that
judge has ever been.

Maybe so.

There's one thing
that you forget.

What's that?

I'm the star.

-Oh, Weez!
-Oh, George.

Oh, George,
I just wanted to come over
and thank you

for being such a gentleman.

Drop dead, Willis.

Well, now, that did it.

You know, Helen,
I can take a lot of guff,

but I don't go for
that "Drop Dead" talk.

-No, no.
-Oh! I know, dear.

Now, listen, both of you.

You are friends.
You've been friends for years.

And court is no place

for friends to air
their dirty laundry.

Well, you know
what I mean.

Anyway, this fighting
is senseless.

So why don't you two
just apologize

for taking this ridiculous
mess this far?

Tom.

George.

BOTH: Sorry.

-I guess
I was a real fool.
-Huh, you sure were.

-George.
-Oh, yeah but look,
I was a jerk myself.

I mean, we should have
been able to figure
this out ourselves.

Yeah. Nobody but
a complete fool

would want to be seen
on a show like this.

Ain't gonna be on TV?

What do you mean,
it ain't gonna be on TV?

Man, this is
a brand new dress.

I got my hair done.

I'm gonna sue you.