09x06 - Heeeere's Johnny

[bunniefuu]

-

-

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

-

-

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole
lot of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin'
wrong with that

-

-

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

-

-

We finally got
a piece of the pie

-Oh, hi, Mrs. Jefferson.
-Hello, Florence.

Something wrong?

It's this telegram.

Uh-oh. Telegrams always
mean bad news.

They usually mean
somebody d*ed.

Well, This one's worse.

It says somebody's coming.

Oh, sh**t.
That ain't nothing.

I like meeting
new people.

You hear new ideas,
fascinating stories.

You'll have a lot of fun.

It's an old friend of George's.

-I'll barricade the door.
-No!

That won't stop
Johnny Moore.

He's loud, obnoxious,

chauvinistic

and the worst part of all,

George really looks up to him.

Well, at his height,
who don't he look up to?

Oh, I don't know
what I'm going to do
about Johnny.

He's just
one of those people.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, have you ever
been cleaning a window

and come across
an annoying streak

that refuses to wipe off?

I don't do windows.

Oh.

Then, have you ever been
cleaning under a bed

and come across
one of those
stubborn dust balls

that refuses to budge?

I don't do under beds.

Oh.

Then have you ever been
cashing your paycheck

and gotten a lot less money
than you thought
you should've?

Yeah! But what has that
got to do with
Johnny Moore?

Nothing. But that happens

when you don't do windows
or clean under beds.

You know, I bet
you're worried about nothing.

Mr. Jefferson's friend
must've changed by now.

Oh,I don't know, Florence.

Believe me, Mrs. Jefferson,
everybody changes.

Who do you know
that stays the same
year after year?

Okay.
So there's one exception.

Weez, I lost one of
the biggest accounts
of my life today.

I mean, let's face it,

I'm all washed up.
I'm all burnt out.

So that's what happened
to the rest of your body?

Florence, how could you
say that to me after I
defended you today?

-You defended me?
-Yes.

A man at work said,
"Florence sure is
an old maid."

I said, ''How dare you
call her a maid."

George, please.

Now what's so bad
about losing an account?

'Cause Weez,
it's the third account
this month.

Fourth.
But who's counting?

This is my
biggest account, Weez.

This wasthe Chauteau Michelle
Restaurant chain.

But I thought
you said it was
a piece of cake.

It was.See that's what
I don't understand.

Okay, I go down
with the contracts
this morning, right?

So the owner,
MonsieurDe Loews

said that he would sign
the contracts over lunch.

So here we are at lunch,

I ordered a Duck L'Orange,

and then I ask the guy
to pass me some ketchup,

and he gets up and walks out!

You put ketchup
on a duck?

Why not? It's meat, ain't it?

Then why don't you try
wearing some ketchup
on your head?

Mrs. Jefferson,
do you mind if I take
the rest of the day off?

I want to
go to a movie.

No! You have to
stay here and work.

-Work?
-Yeah. It's a new fad that's
sweeping the country.

A lot of employees
are into it now.

I resent that!

Oh, I'm sorry,
I forgot the word
"Sweeping" offends you.

You know, from up here,
your head looks like a little
brown egg in a nest.

Well, being part
of the vulture family,

you should feel
right at home.

Now listen!
Oh, never mind.
All I get is insults.

I mean, day after day,
week after week,

month after month,
year after miserable year.

I work hard.
And what do I get?

Afriendly smile?
An occasional pat
on the back?

A little word
of encouragement?

Like, "Florence, there's magic
in the way you hang
the Tidy Bowl."

No, not from you.

Not from anybody.

I mean,
where does it end?

Where is my reward?

Where?

Where?

Oh, Florence,
we had no idea
you felt that way.

Poor dear. Listen,

why don't you take off
the rest of the night
and go see a movie?

Okay.

I hope I didn't
ruin my make-up.

Nope. It looks fine.

She's got a lot of nerve.

I'm the one that
hangs the Tidy Bowl.

I'm the one
that should be going
to the movies.

I got all the troubles.

Maybe I should
just hire a salesman

and turn the whole thing
over to him.

Yeah, but then
he'd probably want a lot
of money or something.

Uh, George, why don't you
read this telegram that
came for us today?

What is it?

Well, let's just say

it will cheer you up
a lot more than it did me.

Did your Aunt Gladys die?

Johnny Moore?

Weez, Johnny Moore's
coming to town!

I know.

How long has it been
since we saw him?

It must have been
at least nine, ten...

years, five months,
two weeks and three days.

How do you remember that?

It's easy, George.

It's the day
you and the neighbors had to
get me off the ledge.

Yeah, well, thank God
after your behavior
he's willing to come back.

Florence, I want you
to get Johnny...

George! George! George!

Now, why don't you
let Johnny stay at
a hotel this time?

You know,
I'm not sure that
he's too fond of me.

And besides,
when you two
get together,

you're like two little kids.

I know, Weez.
But see, me and Johnny
go back a long time.

I mean, he taught me
everything I know.

He taught me everything
about business,

he taught me everything
I know about life.

He even taught me
everything I know
about women.

That's the main reason
I don't like him.

Now George, please,
let him stay at
a hotel this time.

I'm asking you
as a friend,

as a wife,

and as a woman
who may b*at you to death.

Okay, Weez,
since you put it
so nicely.

Good! 'Cause I really
hate to get nasty.

But you gotta remember,
we're much older now.

I mean, let's face it,
I'm more mature
than I was then,

and I'm sure Johnny is, too.

Georgie?

-Johnny!
-Georgie!

-You hurt me, Johnny.
-I'm sorry, Georgie.

-Hey, look, Georgie.
I got a joke for you.
-Oh, man!

What were Adam's first words
after God made Eve?

-I don't know.
-Oh, God, what's a headache?

Oh, that reminds me.
You remember Louise?

Yeah, right!

Sure is good
to see you, Georgie.

-So what brings you to town?
-A DC- .

A DC- !
You hear that, Weez?

A DC- !

He's goin', George.

Hey, Georgie,

you know, I came on
the spur of the moment.

You know, I mean,
year after year of
selling life insurance,

I make
The Million Dollar Club,

and the boss wants
to send me to Europe
or somewhere.

But this time
as I was boarding the plane
to Monte Carlo,

I said to myself,
"Sexpot...", that's me.

"Why not do something
you want to do
for a change."

And the thing
I wanted most of all, Georgie,

was to come back here

and spend a little time
with the homeboy!

-And you, Louise.
-Ah! You hear that, Weez?

He called me a "Homeboy".

And he called you, "Louise".

I want to hit him, George.

You know, I just
remembered the last time
I was here, Louise,

you served me a Bloody Mary

that ranks up there
with those of the famed

Chateau De La Blass
over in Switzerland.

Remember? It was perfect!

And might I add,

it's a memory
only overshadowed

by the gentle, ageless hands

of the graceful,
lovely woman who created it.

In other words,
you'd like a drink.

That-a-girl!

He's only moments
from death, George.

So, Johnny,
where you staying?

Hey, listen, I reserved
this little penthouse
over at The Plaza.

You know, this is
all of a sudden.

I figure, I can't
barge in on you.

And besides, the boss
is picking up the tab

-so why not go
for the best, huh?
-

LOUISE: Exactly!

And The Plaza
is definitely the best place
for you, Johnny.

Too true, Louise.
All too true.

Of course, George and I
would've loved to
have you here.

-Eh, I'll call and cancel.
-All right!

-I'll k*ll him!
-Weezy.

No, I'll k*ll him!

-JOHNNY: Georgie!
-GEORGE: Johnny!

Georgie! Johnny!

-George?
-GEORGE: Yeah, Louise.

It's after two
in the morning!
Come to bed!

GEORGE: Be right there!

That's all right.
That's all right.

It's about time, George.

And from now on...

-Hey, Georgie!
I beg your pardon...
-

Hey, you've gotta
hear this one.

You better count
your blessings, Weez.

He could've told me
this outside, you know.
Go ahead, Johnny.

Well, the other day,
I went to the dictionary to
look up the word "Bigamy".

The definition was
"Having one wife too many.''

Then I looked up
the word "Marriage".

It said
exactly the same thing!

Good one, huh Weez?

Him. Out. Now!

-Georgie,
I'd better turn in.
-Oh, man!

Hey, come on, man.
Would Pryor do his whole act
in one day?

Would Cosby? Would Carson?
Would Dressing?

-Who's Dressing?
-The Rockettes.
Wanna watch?

'Night., Georgie.

Oh, boy,
what a great guy.

You know, I never laughed
so much in my life, Weez.

That guy's a lot of fun.
I'm telling you.

Sure, fun.

Like yesterday,
when he put the tabasco sauce
in my lipstick.

Oh, yeah.
Now that was funny.

Especially, the part
when you sucked on
that ice cube

that Johnny put
the fly in.

George, I just don't
like that man.

And if he stays here
one more day,

you're gonna find him
in the oven!

In the oven?

Now tomorrow morning,
I want you to put him up
in a hotel.

Preferably in Beirut.

A hotel, Weez?

But that would be
an insult to him. He ain't
done nothing to nobody.

JOHNNY: Oops.
I'm sorry, Florence! I didn't
know it was your room.

-JOHNNY: Ow!

FLORENCE: Well, I knew
that was your head.

George! A hotel!

Okay, Weez.
But you tell him!

You the one
who told him to stay here
in the first place,

so you tell him
to go to a hotel.

-But...
-But nothing!

Look, Johnny's my friend
and I don't want to
hurt his feelings.

Now you the one that
told him he could stay here
in the first place,

now, you tell him
he's got to go to a hotel.

Right, enough said.

Lights out.

Good night!

Aah.

Hey, Tom, hey, Tom,
I'm sorry, man.
But accidents happen.

Yeah, Willis, be a sport.

Besides, you look good
in bleu cheese dressing.

I don't care, George.
I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

Hey, Florence. Did you find
that rubber lizard I put in
your shoe this morning?

Mmm-hmm.

-I threw it
in the incinerator.
-

Along with your suit.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
did you enjoy your lunch?

Florence, I've never been
so embarrassed
in my whole life.

What happened?

years we've been
going to that restaurant

and this is the first time
the Chef ever came out
to see us.

Of course, it was
to bury a meat cleaver
in our table.

Oh, it was a lousy restaurant
anyway, Florence.

Bad food, bad service,

and a bad attitude
toward those of us

who enjoy a good
old-fashioned food fight.

Now look, if it's good food
you really want,

I know this little place
down in New Orleans.

Play your cards right
and I'll take you there.

Huh? What do you say,
my little Handi-Wipe?

Hey, Florence,
you owe me two bucks!

For the cigar, or the suit?

Florence, Johnny is my friend
and a guest in this house.

And I demand that
you show him the same respect
that you show me.

I can't.

He ain't short and bald.

He's short and fat.

Look, don't pay her no mind.
I'm gonna change my clothes.

Why don't you go make
yourself a sandwich?

That's a great idea, Georgie.

Hey, don't mind me,
I'll just fix a little snack.

Unless of course,
you'd like the pleasure.

Only if I could
make it with poison.

Uh, I'll get it myself.

Oh, Tom, I'm so sorry
about your suit.

I'll have it cleaned
as soon as possible.

Oh, that's all right, Louise.

But there is one thing
that burns me up.

What?

I don't think
this is real bleu cheese
dressing at all.

I think it's imitation
cheese food.

-I mean,
at those prices...
-Um, thank you, Tom.

Oh, Helen,
what am I going to do?

I don't want
to push too hard

because George and Johnny
are friends.

But when they get together,

it's as if they never grew up!

Disgusting.

Well now, dear,
in both their defense,

it's only natural
for two good friends

to try to recapture
their youth

after a long separation.

-I remember...
-Oh, Tom.

In the name of decency,
not another story!

Well, but that's a true story
that happened to me
some years back.

You see, my good friend
Steven McEven and I

were raised in Boston
around a little park.

But outside of this park
was a sign that said,

''No bicycle riding allowed."

Well, of course,
being boisterous
all American boys,

we strictly obeyed
that sign

and rode our bikes
outside the park.

-I'm not finished yet, Louise.

years later,

I ran across Steven
in Boston.

And it wasn't five minutes
till we were into
a deep dish pizza,

and when we started
talking about that
gosh darn sign!

Oh, sure,
we laughed at first.

But then,
it suddenly dawned on us...

I mean, who were they
to tell us what we could
and couldn't do?

After all, it was our park
and our bikes.

I mean, that's the kind
of frenzy we worked
ourselves up into.

So what happened, Tom?

Why did you ask?

It slipped.

Well, you can imagine
what happened.

Steve... Oh, that's what
I used to call Steven.

-Oh.
- Yeah.

Steve and I...

Oh, we had
a couple of beers.

And then we marched over
to that park,

and if they hadn't put
a bank up in that spot,

the word "No"
in the "No Bike Riding" sign

would be crossed out today!

Is he finished?

It's hard to tell.

Pretty powerful stuff, huh?

-Mmm-hmm.
-He's finished.

Look, Louise,
if there is no other
recourse with Johnny,

you just have to
ask him to leave.

That's what George said.
But Helen, I just couldn't.

Oh! Steve!

Look, Louise,
just throw Johnny out.

After all, this is
your home, too.

Oh, but Johnny's
one of George's
oldest friends.

And you are
one of yours.

Now if he is crass...

-Which he is.
-...and chauvinistic...

-Oh, yes!
-...and loud and obnoxious,

and makes you miserable,
what other choice do you have?

-But...
-Stand up for yourself.

Look out for Numero Uno.

Now, the next time
that man gets
on your nerves,

honey, you just
lay down the law!

That's right!

And feel free to use
the bicycle story.

Sir, it's yours!

Uh, Helen,

do you really think
I could be that forceful?

Sure you can.

Oh, no, I can't.

Sure you can!

Oh, no, I just can't.

-You have
any mustard, Louise?
-Get out!

-We better go, Tom!
-Well, what for, Helen?

-I mean, Louise likes us.
-Uh, yes.

Oh, Helen, I think
some croutons worked their way
down into my shorts.

You really want me
to leave, Louise?

Uh, listen, Johnny.

Now you and George
are the best of friends,

and I wouldn't want
to ruin that.

But when it comes
to you and me...

Well, I just think
it would be better

if you stayed
somewhere else.

And I believe
I'm speaking for Tom,
and for Helen.

FLORENCE: And for Florence.

And for Florence.

And just to show you
there's no hard feelings,

you can still visit George
whenever you feel like it.

And I'll make
reservations at the Plaza
for you right now.

Uh, Louise.
I can't afford the Plaza.

With the money you make?

With the money I make,
I can't afford the Y.M.C.A.

But I don't
understand, Johnny.

-Your job in Chicago...
-Ended six months ago.

I got fired.

I mean,
everything else is true,

the Million Dollar Club,
and the trips and all that.

But you see, I had
a streak of bad luck.

I met this gorgeous
beautiful woman who fell
madly in love with me.

What's so bad about that?

She was the boss' mistress.

And when he got the news,

I found myself out of a job.
And it's been that way
ever since.

Oh, I'm sorry, Johnny.

But you must still
be a great salesman

if you made
the Million Dollar Club.

Louise, I'm getting older.

Employers seem to
shy away from that

no matter how good you are.

But look,
let's not dwell on
the past, okay?

I'll go pack.

But just do me a favor.

What is it?

Don't tell Georgie
about this.

I mean, he's always
kinda looked up to me

and the last thing
I need now is pity.
You understand?

GEORGE: Hey, Johnny!

Hey, Georgie baby!
I gotta fly back
home tonight.

-What?
-Yeah!

I called in and the boss
says everything is falling
down around him

so I gotta go back
and bail him out.

BOTH: As usual.

Now, we were just
starting to have fun.

Hey, I'm sorry.

And you know,
I'm the last cat in the world
to get mushy,

but the longer I stay,
the harder it gets
for me to leave.

Well, I'd like to thank you
for putting up
with me, though.

The both of you.

Uh, George.

Since we have Johnny
here right now,

why don't you tell him
about that sales job
you've got open?

Oh, come on, Weez,
I don't wanna insult him.
Johnny's beyond that.

Ask him, anyway.

What are you talking about?
I don't want him
laughing in my face.

Ask me, George.
I'm walking as slow
as I can.

Okay Johnny, look.

I got a job
for a salesman
at the cleaners.

But you wouldn't
want to leave a successful job
like you got

for something like that,
would you?

-When do you
want me to start?
-See, I told you, Weez...

-You would?
-Hey, man, look.

I realize
it's a major step
backwards for me.

But, Georgie,
you need me.

-What a guy, huh?
-You got that right.

Hey, okay, Johnny,
I'll take you downstairs

and we'll look over
your operations, okay?

-Okay.
-This is great.

-Johnny and Georgie's
back together again.
-Yeah!

-Ain't that great, Weez?
-I'm all a dither.

Hey, Georgie,
I wanna thank you, man.

And especially you, Louise.

Hey, let's go have a drink!

Let's have a lot of drinks!

-Okay?
You wanna come, Louise?
-Well...

No! Second thought,
this is a night out for
the guys, right, Georgie?

Can't have a good time
dragging the old ball
and chain around.

Bye, Weez.

Oh, uh, just a second, Johnny.

Uh, just to show you
how I feel about you.

-I wanna try something.
- What's that?

-Johnny!
-

Louise!

Oh! You hurt me, Louise!

-I meant to, Johnny!
-Hey!

Florence, did you
finish your work yet?

Oh, to tell you
the truth, Mrs. Jefferson,
I'm a little tired.

I thought
I'd call it a day
and just relax.

Not until you
finish your work.

Okay, I'll do it.
As usual.

Day after day,
month after month,

year after miserable year,
where's my reward?

Where? Where? Where?

Here! Here! Here!