09x09 - Death Smiles on a Dry Cleaner: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

Ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

NARRATOR: Last week on
The Jeffersons...

Louise gave George
the birthday gift
of a life time.

A trip with a group of
mystery writers
on the Caribbean mystery ship.

It's brand new.
You'll love it.

You go out for three days
on a yacht,

and the captain and the crew
provide a made-up mystery.

Then you and the other
passengers try to solve it.

NARRATOR: On board
George met his idols.

And his idols met George.

George Jefferson,
author of "Blood Stains,
No Problem."

Out of my way, worm.

You are a Neanderthal.

You, sir, are a twit.

And a Neanderthal.

NARRATOR: George eagerly
awaited the ships mystery,

but the game soon turned
all too real.

Oh, what happened?

We were just talking
and he keeled over.

Hey, hey, is this all part
of the game?

I'm afraid this is no game.

Mr. Thornton's
really dead.

NARRATOR: And that wasn't all.

I'm afraid there's even
more bad news.
Listen to this.

"Thornton was only the first.

Everyone in this room...
will die."

NARRATOR: The only question
now is... who-dunit?

Was it the steward?

The captain?

Steele?

Blume?

The Duchess?

Derek?

Florence?

Louise?

Or this man?

And now
The Jeffersons continues.

Hey, Weez, look,
when you come outta there

and get in bed if I'm not
moving, or if I'm cold

and if I ain't saying
too much, don't worry about it.
It just means that I'm dead.

LOUISE: So the night will be
business as usual,
huh, George?

Okay, so it's been
a slow year.

Forget about that.

Look, Weez, we gotta be
ready for anything.

This k*ller could come
at us any kinda way.

Could be knives,
could be g*ns.

Could be just about anything.

George, have you seen
my hairnet?

I can't find it.

No, Weez. I haven't.

Well, I'm ready for bed.

Hey, Weez,
your pajamas look like
your street clothes.

They are my clothes, George.

In case, I get k*lled
during the night

I don't want strangers
investigating me
in my nightgown.

You know something, you and
me been through a lot together,
you know that?

No matter
what happens, remember...

You married a great guy.

That's comforting, George.

It should be.
I'm here to protect you.

If they're gonna get to you,
they gotta go through me.

Get that, will you?

Maybe they'll go away
if we ignore them.

Shh. I got a plan.

Everybody in here is
already dead.

-Let me in!
-Oh, that's Florence.

Wait a minute.
It could be a trick.
How do we know it's Florence?

If you're Florence, prove it.

FLORENCE: Stand up on your
wife's shoulders and look
through the keyhole.

It's Florence.

-What are you doing here?
-I'm scared to stay
in my cabin alone.

Florence, if you want
to stay in here with us,
you're welcome.

-Thanks, Mrs. Jefferson.
-Ah, come on, Weez.

It's bad enough
I gotta get k*lled.

Do I have to be
tortured first?

Now, George, you'll have
to admit there's safety
in numbers.

And besides, shut up.

Okay, okay.
But we all can't go to sleep
at the same time.

Somebody's gotta
stand guard.

Now... we gotta figure out
a way to take shifts, okay?

Now we pick straws.

That seems like the fairest
way of saying...

that I'm the one
that's gonna be first, right?

Okay, okay, look, men have
been protecting their women
since time began.

I'll do it.

I'm fearless.

My shift's over.

Mr. Jefferson,
do something.

Good idea.

George!

Who is it?

MONAHAN: It's me,
Captain Monahan.

Oh, what a relief.
Let him in, Florence.

Wait a minute!
How do you really
know it's the captain?

All right.

If you're the captain,
prove it.

What time does
Love Boatcome on?

MONAHAN: Open the door,
Jefferson.

You ain't gettin' in here,
till you prove
you're the captain.

-I have a pass key.
-Oh, he's the captain.

Sorry about that,
we can't be too careful.

No, no, I understand.

Fear can often make
a man behave like, well...

A moron.

Thank you for understanding.
What can I do for you?

I'm asking everyone
to gather in the salon.

I have a couple
of announcements to make.

Plus I think it's better
if we all keep an eye
on each other.

Yeah, you have all the
suspects in the salon.

Good, that'll give me
a chance to cr*ck
this case wide open.

I'll make that k*ller
wish he never met
George Jefferson.

He might as well join
the rest of us.

Could I have your attention,
please?

I've asked everybody
to gather for a couple
of reasons.

The first is for our safety.

Our radio has been sabotaged
and we can't call for help.

Anyway, I think it's better
if we all stay here together.

Uh, excuse me, but we're not
all together.

I notice the Duchess has
decided not to join us.

No, no, no.
I spoke to her.

Unfortunately,
she's suffering from
insulin shock at the moment,

and she can't be moved.

Now I've posted a guard
outside her door
for her safety.

But you said there were
two reasons you asked
us here?

Oh, yes.
That's the other news.

The wine in
Mr. Thornton's glass
was definitely poisoned.

Ah, I knew it all along.

When I saw that guy drink
that wine and start choking
and gagging,

I said to myself,
"Uh-huh, poison."

Mrs. Jefferson,
Can we throw him
overboard?

Let me reconstruct
this crime, okay?

Steele! Steele, you were
jealous of Thornton.

It would've been very easy
for you to have laced
his glass with poison.

I was talking to you
at the time he d*ed.

-I didn't k*ll him.
-I know that.

But you!

You despise all men.

-Talk about motives.
-Oh! You are ridiculous.

But I assure you,
if I start exterminating men,
you'll be the very first.

I know that.

Which brings us to you...

You knew that Thornton was
attracted to my maid,

but you wanted
her for yourself.

Don't be a fool.
Nobody wants your maid.

I know that.

Which brings me
to the answer
to this puzzle.

Edgar Thornton
k*lled himself.

Uh, George.

I hate to be
a wet blanket...

but how do you explain
the note found on the bar?

"Everyone in this room
will die?"

Simple. He just did that
to throw us off his trail.

Now, if it wasn't for me,
he would've k*lled himself
and got off scot-free.

Oh, come on now, folks.

He worked hard on that.

Are you about finished,
now, Mr. Jefferson?

Maybe, maybe not. How do you
turn off the mind of a genius?

How about a sock with
a roll of quarters in it?

Captain, did you ever test
the wine in the bottle?

Oh, yes, that was
the second point.

We tested that and found
that it was poisoned, too.

Ah-ha! That's just the piece
to this puzzle I've been
looking for.

Me too, same piece.
Oh, indeed?

In that case,
then perhaps you'd
care to elaborate?

Well, uh...

Well said.

You see, all along
we've been wondering,

how the poison
could've gotten
into Thornton's glass

but now we know it was
in the bottle before
he ever opened it.

Yes and anybody
on this ship

could've poisoned
that bottle at any time
right up to the m*rder.

Well, not really.

Mr. Thornton always
kept it with him,

in a locked box.

Come on, Weez. Would you
leave this to us pros?

No, Mrs. Jefferson's right.

Edgar was the only one
with the key.

Yeah, and he didn't take
the bottle out of the box
until he was with us.

And we all saw him
uncork it.

So everything still points
to the fact that one of us
is the k*ller.

But how could...

But how could the k*ller
get the poison into
an unopened bottle?

That would be impossible.

-Exactly.
-Not true.

Exactly.

You're overlooking
the cork.

Oh, the cork is
too obvious.

What the k*ller did was
he drilled a hole
in the bottom of the bottle and

sprayed the poison
in that way.

Then perhaps you'd care
to explain why none
of the wine drained out?

Hey, do I have to explain
everything to you guys?

The k*ller did
go through the cork.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Did I say the bottom
of the bottle?

I'm sorry, I meant the cork.

Take it, Audge.

Don't call me Audge...

Now, the question is,
how could someone
penetrate the cork

without Edgar realizing
that his bottle had been
tampered with?

The answer?

A hypodermic syringe.

Uh-huh. The Duchess.

The Duchess! The Duchess!
Get out...

Naturally, the Duchess.
She's a diabetic, remember?

She'd have to give
herself injections.

Obviously, she would have
a hypodermic.

Well, we were all together.

Wouldn't we have noticed
her poisoning the wine?

No, not necessarily

because there was
a brief moment,

when we were all
gathering clues about
the so-called stabbing.

The Duchess
never joined us,
do you remember?

Aren't you gonna look,
Duchess?

No, no, the rest of you
can run around like
rank amateurs.

I have seen
all I need to see.

AUDREY: While we looked
for clues,

the Duchess stayed back
and poisoned the bottle.

Incredible isn't it,
Florence?

Yeah.
I finally find a live one

and she turns him
into a dead one.

Well, I'd better get down
to the Duchess' cabin
right away.

-Place her under arrest.
-We'll join you.

Stand back.

Duchess Von Kolb,
this is the captain.

It's locked.
All right, you stay here.

I'm going in.

DUCHESS: Captain Monahan,
what is the meaning of this?

CAPTAIN: I'm here
to place you under arrest.

DUCHESS: Arrest?
Why, whatever for?

CAPTAIN: The m*rder of
Edgar Thornton.

You must he joking.

CAPTAIN: m*rder is no joke.

And while
we're on the subject,

may I have your syringe,
please?

I noticed, Duchess,
you're not laughing
any longer.

CAPTAIN: Duchess!

We'll have to break
the door down.

You need a battering ram.
Quick, grab Mr. Jefferson.

-What's happened here?
-She hit me with this.

Then she escaped
out the window.

The window.

Oh, man,

if the Duchess knew
I broke this, she'd k*ll me.

Can you see her
at all, captain?

No, I can't.

Maybe she's on the way
to the lifeboat.

You mean she got away?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

With m*rder.

Well?

No, I'm afraid
we lost her in the fog.

As I thought,
the lifeboat's gone.

We'll keep searching,
but there isn't much hope.

All we can do now
is to notify the Coast Guard
when we get to shore.

Well, at least she's off
the ship now
and we're all safe.

Yeah, for a while,
I thought I'd never live

to see another waxy,
yellow buildup.

I don't know about
the rest of you,
but I could sure use a drink.

ALL: Yeah.

Well, here... here's to
the memory of Edgar Thornton.

And to those of us
who solved his m*rder,

which is all of us.

Except for Sherlock Stooge
over there.

Did I ever thank you
for this trip, Weez?

Oh, come on.

That's not the
George Jefferson I know.

So what if they figured out
the mystery and you didn't?

They needed you.

If there wasn't someone
who didn't get it,
it wouldn't be a mystery, right?

Look, there are plenty
of things you can do
better than them.

Give them a shirt
with a grape stain,

on it and see
if they can get it out.

I'll bet they can't
and you wanna know why?

Because baby,
you're the best.

You're the best there is.

Oh, come on, Weez,
I know you just trying
to make me feel good.

I can see right through it.

See, you're not as dumb
as they think.

You see, the thing
that's been bothering me.

What, George?

I thought I had this
m*rder mystery solved.

I even thought I knew
who k*lled Thornton,
but I didn't know how.

I didn't wanna
say nothing because
I didn't wanna look stupid.

Stupid? I mean,
how could you look stupid?

Oh, maybe because
of that dumb theory

you had about Edgar
k*lling himself to
throw us off the trail.

Uh, Florence, forget it.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Or maybe it was
that dumb idea

about drilling a hole
in the bottom of the bottle.

Florence, let it rest.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Or maybe it was the clumsy...

the clumsy way
you broke that figurine.

I mean, you can't help it
if you look stupid.

Wait a minute,
say that again?

-You can't help it if you
look stupid.
-No. Before that.

You broke the figurine?

That's it, I broke it.

Say, gentlemen.

Jefferson, would you
happen to have an extra
copy of your book,

Blood Stains, No Problem.
One of the legs of my
coffee table is too short.

No, wait, no, wait.
Here's a real
mystery for you.

What time is it?

Here's a clue.

You're wearing a watch.

Here's another clue.
It's quarter to : .

What time is it, you ask?
It's time to pay the piper.

-Now, I've been thinking.
-Uh-oh. Hit the deck everyone,

He's been thinking again.

I know who k*lled
Edgar Thornton.

We kinda had
a clue to that one when
the Duchess jumped ship.

Ah, but you're all wrong.

The real m*rder*r
is still on this boat,
still in this room.

George, the mystery's
been solved, dear.
Why don't we get some rest?

You see, he's been under
a lot of strain lately.

It's the dirty season
back home.

Let's not be hasty.
Let's just hear
Mr. Jefferson out.

Let's compromise.
And throw him out.

After reviewing
all of the clues

and applying my
superior knowledge of logic,

I have deduced that
the k*ller can only be
one person.

And that person is...

The captain.

I don't believe this, guy.

Now, don't be ridiculous.

Don't be an idiot,
Jefferson.

The captain wasn't even
in the room when Thornton
was poisoned.

Ah, but he was.

I don't remember
the captain being here.
How can you say that?

Because I broke
the glass figurine.

This doesn't make sense.

We all agreed that
Thornton was poisoned by
the Duchess' hypodermic.

-Correct.
-And when the Captain
confronted her,

-the Duchess ran away.
-That's where you're wrong.

-She didn't.
-Now, you're crazy.

I fought with her
in the cabin

and she escaped
out of the window.

So you say,
but if you all remember...

When we broke into
the Duchess' cabin

I rushed over to the window
to look for the Duchess.

That's when I accidentally
broke the glass figurine.

Now, how could
a desperate woman
climbing out of a window

not even damage a figurine
if I broke it
just by leaning against it?

Perhaps Derek
has the answer.

-Well...
-Well said, well said.

But if the Duchess
didn't go out the window,

she must've been
in the cabin.

That's impossible.
The captain was the
only one in the cabin.

Unless...

The captain
was the Duchess.

Brilliant, Mr. Jefferson.
Brilliant!

Uh, George the captain
was already on the ship

when the Duchess came aboard.

Like I said,
stupid, Mr. Jefferson.
Stupid.

I'm glad you brought
that up, Weez.

Remember what the captain
said to us when
we were on the deck.

Yes, well, now,
if you'll forgive me,

I must go and prepare
for tonight's mystery.

GEORGE: What he really was
preparing for was how
to get off the boat.

But we were all
standing there and it was
broad daylight.

Now, how could he
get off the boat
without us seeing him?

Well, there was one way
he could've done it.

When the drunken second mate
was carried off the boat,

his sea chest contained
more than skivvies.

It contained the captain.

This is preposterous.

Besides, it still
doesn't make sense.

You remember the note
we found here on the bar.

Now, why would the Captain
want to k*ll all of us?

He didn't want
to k*ll all of us.
That was to throw us off.

He only wanted to k*ll
Edgar Thornton.

Now why should I
want to k*ll Thornton?

Because of a book
that he wrote.

Now we're all familiar
with Edgar Thornton's
writing style.

George, didn't you tell me
that Edgar Thornton

writes mysteries
based on the lives
of real people?

Yeah, that's right.
He just changes names.

See that's half the fun
in reading his books

to figure out who
the characters really are.

But, George,
what does that prove?

Remember when I saw the
captains picture on the wall
when he was in the navy.

He was skipper
of the U.S.S. Kinston.

It was something about
the name of that ship
that kept echoing in my head.

That's understandable.
There's all that
empty space up there.

Oh, shut up.

Thank you, Weez.

Captain, tell me.
Why did you exactly
leave the navy?

Well, it's a long story.
I'd rather not discuss it.

I'm sure you wouldn't.
Mr. Dishonorably Discharged.

Isn't it true you were
involved in a scandal
that rocked the navy?

Is it not true
that you, the captain
of the U.S.S. Kinston,

was dishonorably
discharged for dressing
in women's clothing?

And is it not true that
you were publicly humiliated

when it was revealed
in Edgar Thornton's
bestseller

"The Captain Wore Nylons?"

No! No!
That's a lie.

Oh, yeah?

Lord, have mercy!

All right, nobody move
or I'll k*ll you all.

And you'll be the first,
Jefferson.

Thanks for the trip, Weez.

Very clever, Jefferson,

but just a little bit
too clever.

Hey, wait a minute.
It was only speculation.
I'm probably wrong.

Well, I can tell you all now,
I hated Edgar Thornton.

I did my best
to serve my country.

What difference does it
make if I did it wearing
a cross-your-heart bra?

He's right!
By the way, nice legs.

Oh, thank you very much.
Hey, stop!

Yeah, I fixed this cruise
specially to get rid of
Thornton.

I knew that I could lure him
on board with this juicy
m*rder mystery.

It was a work of art.

Oh, yes, I impersonated
the Duchess.

It was easy for me to
impersonate her.

None of you
had ever met her.

The perfect crime.

I commit the crime,
the Duchess
disappears into the fog,

and I get away clear...

And the perfect crime
committed under the noses

of the best mystery writers
in the world.

Oh! What are you
going to do now?

Well, I'd have gotten
away if your husband
hadn't figured it out.

I guess this leaves me
with no other choice
but to...

award Mr. Jefferson
with the trophy for solving
the Mystery Cruise m*rder.

Say what?

Congratulations!
You solved the mystery!

Mr. Jefferson,
this is for you.

You mean, Edgar Thornton's
m*rder was the mystery?

Yeah, yeah. I impersonated
the character in his book,
The Captain Wore Nylons.

I knew it all the time.

Hey, Weez,
I did it, I did it,
I'm a genius.

I think I'd rather have
d*ed than to live with him now.

Well, I guess
you all realize

this would be the
perfect moment for me
to rub your noses in it,

but I'm not gonna do that.
I'm too modest.

Oh, good for you,
George.

Why should I rub
their noses in it?
I got this big old trophy.

Wait a minute.

If this was all a game,
then that means
Edgar is still alive.

Ah-ha! Alive and kicking!

I was in on it all the time!

Oh, I'm so glad
you ain't dead.

Now, I can k*ll you
for scaring me
half to death.

Wait a minute,
was your interest in me
a part of the act too?

Not at all.

I only hope
you'll give me the chance
to make it up to you

when we have that
dinner together.

Oh! Wait a minute.

This time I'll pick the wine.

George, are you glad
you came now?

Oh, Weez,
thanks for the trip.
I had a great time.

Are you kidding?
This trip took
five years off of my life.

In that case,
I had a terrific time!