09x14 - My Maid... My Wife

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Come on, Mr. Jefferson.

If you wanna get
something nice for your wife,
this is the place.

FLORENCE: Everybody knows
that Benswicks is real classy.

Look, Florence, you better
let me do the talking. I think
you're in over your head.

Uh, excuse me,
I'm George Jefferson...

Florence,
good to see you again.

Hi, Ben.

-You know her?
-Oh, yes, very well.

Do you know
that for a whole year
she used to peek inside

with her nose pressed
against the glass?

And then one day,
she got so excited
over a tiara,

she fogged up
my whole window.

It was k*lling my business,
so I invited her in.

Oh, Ben, you know that
key ring you've been
holding for me

-for the past two months?
-Yeah?

Well, you can let it go.
I finally got the last payment.

-Florence, that's great.
-Yep.

Two bucks, cash money.

Wow, Ben, you want me
to look after the store while
you run down to the bank?

Now, Florence, I hope
this doesn't mean you're not
coming around here anymore.

Oh no, you still
got two things left under $ .

Hey, look, do I have to
pick a number around here or
something?

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is Mr. Jefferson.

-He's here to get
a present for his wife.
-Thank you.

Could you suggest
something?

Well, it would
help me if I knew
what the occasion was.

Well, it's not an
anniversary or birthday,
nothing like that.

I just wanna get her
something, something
that says love.

I have something perfect
that says "love."

Here it is,
and it's only $ , .

Well, you have anything
that says "like?"

Now, how about
this diamond broach?

-Only $ , .
-Oh.

Well, how about something
that says, "How you doing"?

I got a beer in the back.

Look, why don't you
just get her a simple
gold bracelet

and have something
inscribed on it?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
What should I have inscribed?

Anything you like.

Well, okay.
How about, uh,

-"To my dearest darling wife...
-Fine.

"From your sweet,
loving, adorable husband

who thinks you're
the greatest, and who hasn't
done anything wrong."

Sir...

Sir, you don't need
a bracelet, you need
a hula hoop.

Why don't you come
into the back with me
to the engravers?

We'll work something out.
And I'll be right back
with your key ring.

-Okay.
-This way.

I'll just browse.

You can tell what I like
by my breath on the glass.

Girl, you do belong in jewels.

Oh, just as I thought,
not a hair out of place.

I can't believe it.
Florence Johnston.

-You know me?
-Yes! And you know me.

Close your eyes.

That don't help.
I still don't recognize you.

Think back.

Mrs. Calloway's ninth
grade history class.
Who sits behind you?

Does this jog your memory?

Pauline Jones.

That's your response?
Girl, you have changed.

When I used to do that
in school, you'd stomp
on my lunch.

Well, some of us have matured
and some of us are you.

Well, good to see you again.
You haven't changed a bit. Bye.

Now, Florence, I know
you're just dying to know

what happened to me,
aren't you?

No.

As you'll recall,
I was always cute.

So, naturally,
I married money.

So, do you have any
little loose change
running around?

I have two children,
in private schools, of course.

I'm so lucky
because they're
absolutely adorable.

Well, when I say luck,
it's really more like genes.

And I've been fortunate enough
to have lived in London
for the past seven years.

We also have a summer home
in Gstaad.

Tell me, where did you go
after the th grade?

To the th grade.

Girl, you are funny!

PAULINE: You know,

Florence, you're probably
going to hate me
for saying this...

Oh don't be silly.
I mean, what could you say

that could possibly make me
hate you?

You're right.

My being successful
is no surprise,

but I always thought
you'd end up, well,

how do I put this nicely?

An old maid.

Well, I didn't.
I happen to be married.

-You are?
-Yes.

And to a wonderful man.

He's tall, he's handsome,
he's...

-Hey, Florence.
-Him.

How to do you like
this inscription?

"Here, dear."

I think that says it all.
Let's go.

Now, Florence,
you forgot to introduce us.

And you, sir,
forgot to pay me.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Thank you.

Uh, uh, Florence?

Oh, how rude of me.

Um, I'd like for you
to meet a friend of mine.

An old, old, old, friend.

Pauline Jones.

Smythe.

Smythe.

And this is him.

Huh.
But people call me
George Jefferson.

Nice to meet you.

-Oh, so you two are old,
old, old friends, huh?
-Yes. We were schoolmates.

You should have seen
your Florence then.
She was the teacher's pet.

Always clapping the erasers,
cleaning the blackboard,

doing all the... chores.

Oh, that's funny.
She hasn't done a lick of work
since I've been knowing her.

It's a shame
you can't meet my husband.

It's just that he's so busy,
even I don't get to see him
very much.

Oscar's a very
big producer in London.

He's bringing a play
to Broadway, an absolutely
fabulous costume drama.

Isn't that... fascinating?

Yes. Wow.

Bye.

Excuse me.
Did you say costume drama?
That's right up my alley.

Ooh, you're an actor?
No, no.
I'm a dry cleaner.

But I love cleaning
filthy dramatic costumes.

Mr. Jefferson,
your receipt.

And, Florence,
here's your key ring.

Really splurging,
eh, Florence?

Oh this?
Uh, this isn't for me.
It's, it's for the maid.

Say, um, look, why don't you
and your husband come by
tonight for dinner?

You know we never eat.

That's because you never cook.

I think it'd be
a lot of fun. I could
tell you all about me.

You could tell me
all about you. I could pretend
that I'm interested.

And then I could tell you
why I should be doing
your husband's dry cleaning.

What a charming
invitation.

But I would enjoy
seeing your place.

And we'd love
for you to see it.

But it wouldn't be polite
to have you
without your husband.

Oh, I go everywhere
without him.

Oh, well,
then why don't
you come by yourself?

I don't think it would be
a good idea.

Who cares?

-Dinner at : ?
-I wouldn't miss it
for the world.

Good. Okay.

Come on, Weezy,
will you get your butt
in gear?

We got a guest coming over
for dinner tonight.

Oh, no, not tonight.
I'm really b*at.

I had a crazy day
at the Help Center.

All afternoon I tried
to convince two runaways
to go back home.

Why didn't you just
call their parents?

They were the parents.

Anyway, Weez,
I brought you something.

I think it'll cheer you up.

Oh, George.

That's beautiful.

Read the inscription.

"Here, dear."

Look, I want you to be
in a good mood tonight
for our guest.

-Who is it?
-Well, it's a potential client.

You're gonna like her, though,
'cause she's got class.

That's what you said last week
when you brought the hotel
manager home.

You remember?

The one who stole
our ashtrays
and our guest towels.

Come on, Weezy,
people steal from him.

Besides, he gave us
a nice present, didn't he?

Oh, yes, that paper strip
to sanitize our toilet.
Thank you very much.

Weezy, you could at least
be nice to this client.

She's an old friend
of Florence's.

What's wrong with you,
Florence? You ain't said
one word all the way home.

Not that I'm complaining.

Yes, Florence, you don't
seem very enthusiastic.
What's wrong?

-Well...
-Oh, I know what it is.
How could I be so insensitive?

Florence just feels bad
because Pauline,
a friend of hers,

is a huge success
and Florence ain't nothing.

I told you not
to let that bother you.

She's not letting it
bother her any.

I know.

You think you'll feel
awkward serving tonight, right?

Well, yes.

Especially since
she don't think I'm a maid.

Oh, well, who does
she think you are?

You.

-You don't mean
you told her that you...
-Uh-huh.

-And that you were
married to...
-Uh-huh.

Oh, God.

Tell me about it.

I hope you didn't tell
nobody else that.

I do have some pride.

Look, you gotta understand
about Pauline and me.

When we were coming up,
she always had it better
than me.

She always got all the parts
in the plays,

she always got
all the dates.

And even when I found
a great guy
that I really liked,

she got him, too.

So, when I found out
she'd gone off
and become a huge success...

Well, you see
why I couldn't tell her
the truth.

Yeah. Look, we're
gonna need some snacks.

Get a lot of those
barbecue wieners,
I love those.

George!

I tried to be vague.

I tried to say I was married
to a, a wonderful, tall,
handsome man.

But you kept coming over.

Well, what are we
gonna do, George?
Florence's pride is at stake.

Well, there's only one thing
we can do, call the dinner off.

I mean, it's only money.

Oh, that's okay,
Mr. Jefferson.

I mean, you shouldn't have
to lose money
just because I told a lie.

I'll just call Pauline
and tell her the truth.

Hey, wait a minute.
Let me call her.

I can make up an excuse.
I'll just tell her I'm sick,

which ain't far
from the truth.

No, this is something
I gotta do myself.

Oh, hello?
Pauline?

This is Florence.

-Listen, there's something
I wanna tell you...
-Give me the phone.

Hello, Pauline?
Hi. George Jefferson.

Look, what she wants
to tell you is that I got
something to tell you.

Oh, let me handle this.

I've got a way to make
everybody happy.

Hello?

Oh, I'm so sorry
for the confusion,

but I'm just calling
to confirm your dinner plans
for this evening.

Oh, o'clock
will be just fine.

Who am I?

Oh, I'm Louise...

the Jefferson's maid.

Oh look, Mr. Jefferson,

I know this evening
is going to be very
uncomfortable for you,

so I just wanna tell you
I really appreciate you doing
this favor for me.

-Oh, thank you.
Now you do me a favor?
-Anything.

Just don't touch me.

No problem.

Oh, I'll get it.

Oops. Sorry.
Force of habit.

Who are you kidding?

Hey, Louise,
you're on!

Well, how do I look?

Oh, Ms. Jefferson,
you look lovely.

Listen, are you sure
you wanna go through
with this?

No.
But what the heck?

Weezy, open the door.
You look like a maid.

Hello.
I'm Mrs. Pauline Jones Smythe.

Mrs. Pauline Jones Smythe.

-May I take your coat?
-Yes.

But I would like it back.

Do I know you?

I don't think so.

Oh, what am I thinking?
How could I?

Florence darling.

Your place is so...
comfortable.

Well, we like it,
don't we, dear?

Yes, we do.
You're touching me.

You two make
such a lovely couple.

By the way, are there any
little Jeffersons
running around here?

No, just this one.

Good one, dear.

-Shall we sit?
-Oh, thank you.

Excuse me.

Would anyone
like to have a drink?

Vodka Martini,
on the rocks,
and make it dry.

Coming right up.

Oh, none for me, thanks.

No, thank you, Louise.

Well, now,
that's what I call a maid.

Doesn't look familiar,
does it?

So, George, I would like
to know more about the man
who married Florence.

Tell me
about yourself.

Oh, well,
there's not much to say.
I'm just a regular guy.

I mean, I love baseball.
I love football.

And I love cleaning
Shakespearean costumes.

Yoo-hoo!Yoo-hoo!

Much lighter
on the Vermouth, dear.

So, now, getting back
to the theater

you know, I think the most
important thing in any play is
clean costumes.

Interesting.

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
No olive.

It positively corrupts
a martini.

So, Pauline,
as you can see,

our little George has made
life quite comfortable for us.

Yes, I suppose he has.

But nobody can compare
to my Oscar.

You see, the beautiful thing
about being married to him
is he travels so much.

What I mean is,
he's so seldom home,

that I have the freedom
to do whatever I like.

Six months in Switzerland,
a few months in London.

Two weeks
with the children.

-Two weeks?
-Well, they are my children.

Yoo-hoo!
Yoo-hoo!

I like my martini shaken,
not stirred, dear.

To your good health.

Wherever did you find her?

She found us.

Oh, that'll be all, Louise.
Thank you.

Oh, no, let me.

Perhaps you
should explain to Louise

just who's the servant
and who's the employer
around here.

Oh.

Who was it?

Peddlers.

Persistent peddlers.

Uh, I gotta powder my nose.

-Uh...
-I'll get it.

Hi, Florence.
Where is Louise?

I came to return
the pearl necklace
I borrowed from her.

Your maid
has a pearl necklace?

Uh, uh, uh...

George is so generous,
and Louise has been
with us for a long time.

-Aren't you going
to introduce us?
-No.

I mean, why bother?
You're never gonna
see them again.

Oh, Florence,
don't be ridiculous.

Hello, I'm Helen Willis,
and this is my husband, Tom.

I'm Mrs. Pauline Jones Smythe.

Well, you certainly
have a lot of names.

So, how long have you known
George and Louise?

-George and Louise?
-George, where is Louise?

Huh? Uh...

Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Excuse me!

Get out the way!

Uh, Helen, I don't know why,

but I get the feeling
we've come down here
at an inopportune moment.

Well, I know Louise
can clear this up.

By the way, where is she?

There she is...

You mean me?

Well, so long, Tom.
Wish me luck.

What is going on?

Well, you know women.
They never go
to the bathroom alone.

But what is George
doing in there?

Uh, search me.

GEORGE: Willis, get in here!

Oh, well, you see?
Now, this works out perfectly.

Now I can ask him.

ALL: Oh!

Well, we just came over to
say we've got to be going.

Oh, yes, Florence.
It's always so nice coming
to see your lovely home.

Oh, and, and by the way,
you were right.

Your bathroom does
fit four comfortably.

Well, Pauline,
did you have a good time?

Good. Glad to see it.

Well, while we're still
on a high note,

we at Jefferson Cleaners feel
that there's no such thing

as dirty costumes,
only sloppy actors.

We'll clean up your act.
We clean anything.
Capes, no problem.

Suits of armor, no problem.

This drink is terrible.

No problem.
Louise, make
her another drink.

Louise?
Wait a minute, Louise.

What is your last name?

Mills.

Louise Mills.
I thought so.

-I do know you.
-Uh-oh.

You were a counselor
in our day camp.

You were only a couple
of years older than us,

but all the girls
looked up to you.

I remember how
you always told us
that if we really tried,

we could make something
of ourselves.

Well, how ironic.

Pauline, there's nothing
wrong with being a maid.

Oh, I didn't say there was
anything wrong with it, dear.

Actually, it just proves
the old saying,

"Those who can do,

those who cannot clean up
after those who can."

-Now, wait a minute, Pauline.
-Uh, no, Mr. Jefferson.

-After all, Pauline
is your guest.
-Oh, thank you, dear.

Now, would you mind
making me another martini?

That first one
was abominable.

-Yes, ma'am.
-Shaken, not stirred.

-Yes, ma'am.
-No olive.

-Yes, ma'am.
-In other words, do it right.

Now wait a minute.

I've had about all
I can take of this.

You mean you're going
to fire her.

No, I can't.
I work for her.

What?

You work for her?

Now wait a minute.

Let me get something
straight, Pauline.

These are the Jeffersons,
and I'm their maid.

Now, this afternoon
I was ashamed of that,

because you always b*at me
at everything.

So, when I found out
you'd gone off
and gotten rich,

I thought
you'd beaten me again.

But you know something?
You haven't.

I haven't?

No, you haven't.

It seems to me you've got
two kids you don't care
nothing about.

And a husband
who don't care
nothing about you.

While I, on the other hand,
have two wonderful people

who would put themselves
through all of this
just to save my feelings.

Now, that's worth more
than all of the money
in the world.

-Are you quite through?
-Not quite.

Get out of my house!

But it's not your house.

Then get out of my house.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Hold it.

-Look, we got a deal here?
-Not a chance.

Then get out of my house.

I suppose it would be
asking too much for you to get
my coat.

Get it yourself.

Look, I'm sorry
I put you two through this.

Oh, it's all right,
Florence, at least

I learned how to make
a decent martini.

-Yeah, I learnt something
myself, Weez.
-What, George?

That to have someone
who loves you
is more important

than material possessions?

No, I never thought of that.

I was just amazed how much
a better maid you are
than Florence.