09x17 - Bodyguards Are People Too

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin' wrong
with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Oh, come on, Willis.
Let's do something I want to do
for a change.

Let's go see
a wrestling match.

Forget it, George.
Well, those matches
aren't even real.

Every time one guy
pins another guy

the referee counts
one, two.

Then the guy on the
bottom kicks his
legs up in the air,

the guy on top
goes flying off of him.

And you don't see
the art in that?

He's just using his opponent's
body weight against him.

I'll show you.

You pin me and I'll
use your body weight
against you.

God knows it's an
awesome w*apon.

This is silly, George.

I'm gonna lay down here
and I want you to lower
yourself on me easily.

We don't want to
wind up in the garage.

Well, uh... Well, okay.

Okay. Pin me.
I'll count to three.

Ah!

TOM: Let her rip.

GEORGE: One, two, three.

Whenever you're ready,
George.

Willis, I can't breathe.

Oh, no. You can't trick
me like that.

I'm not kidding.
You're crushing me.

Nice try, George, but I'm
not gonna fall for that
one, either.

If that's Reverend Taylor
at the door,

what should I tell him
you're doing?

GEORGE: You can just make up
an excuse for Willis.

Because he probably
won't even see me.

-Hi, Jenny.
-Hi.

Hi, Florence. How are you?

Hey, Mr. Jefferson,
are you okay?

Yeah. Me and your
father were
playing charades.

Oh? What was the word?

Pancake.

Pancake?

Yeah. As in, short stack.

Ah, this is
a pleasant surprise.

Yeah. Well, when you
weren't at home I figured
you'd be down here.

Hey, is Ma around?

She's out shopping
with Louise. Why?

Oh, it's just something I
want to talk to her about,

-but it can wait.
-Oh, look,

if you've got
a problem, who better
to talk to than us?

Well...

I'll wait for Mom.

Is there anything
I can do, Jenny?

Oh, no, thank you.

Yeah. There is something
you can do.

No, but you'd probably
find your way
back home anyway.

It is impossible to lose
my way home.

Everywhere I go they say
"I know you. You work for
that idiot in D."

Well, now, sweetheart,
if you've got a problem
you can tell us.

Well, actually, it's something
I'd feel a little more
comfortable

talking about
to another woman.

What are you talking about?
We're just like women,
except we know things.

Yes, give us
a chance to help.

Well, I don't know.
Every time I come to you two
you interrupt me

and you give me solutions
before I can explain
what the problem is.

Well, not this time.

We promise to hear
you out.

Well, okay. The thing is...

How much do you need?

You did it again.

-Well, you need money, right?
-No.

George, now wait a minute.
We promised to hear her out.

Thank you, Daddy.

Then we'll give her the money.

Go ahead, dear.

I'll wait for Mama.

Look, they get their money
from us.

Hi, everybody.

JENNY: Finally!

Oh, Jenny, where's my
beautiful granddaughter?

She's with the sitter, Ma.

Now, look, I have
a bit of a problem.

I've been trying
to explain this.

But Daddy and Mr. Jefferson
don't understand.

Well, you know men.
How much do you need?

I can't believe you didn't
offer Jenny money.

I don't need money!

Weezy, how can you be
so insensitive?

Jenny does not need money.

Now, will you be quiet and let
the woman finish talking?
Whew! Go ahead, Jenny.

Well, I mean,
the thing is I...

Look, I want to do
a little more with my life,

and, well, I'm thinking
about taking a job.

You got a job?

Oh, Jenny! You sold your
fashion designs!

Uh, no. Not exactly.

Well, is it
fashion merchandising?

Uh-uh, no. Not quite.

Fashion sales?

Not really.

Oh, whatever it is,
I know your new job

is fascinating,
exciting and fun.

What is it?

A file clerk in the Bureau
of Public Works.

Well, of all the works
in the world, public ones
are the most fun.

I thought
you wanted to be
a fashion designer.

Look, I do. But nobody
seems to want to take
a chance on me.

And with Lionel in Japan
and the baby not needing
me as much,

I just want to feel like
I'm doing something
worthwhile with my life.

I mean, anything worthwhile.
Look, haven't
you ever felt unfulfilled?

Oh, I have. I always wanted
to be an astronaut,

but I already had a job
as a publisher.

So you're just going to give
up on fashion designing?

Well, Ma,
let's just say that
it gave up on me.

Oh, don't get
discouraged, Jenny.

Things turn around
fast in this world.

That's right.

Hey, this could be somebody
right now to help you out.

Hi, I'm Hugo.
Remember me?

Hugo. Of course
I remember you.
What are you doing here?

Sorry to interrupt while
you're having such
a good time.

We're not having
a good time.

Oh, then I fit right in.

Hi, Mrs. Jefferson.
Remember me?

Oh, I could never
forget you, Hugo.

I'm flattered.

Tom, Helen, Jenny, this is
our friend Hugo.

-Oh, how do you do?
-Hello.

-Hi.
-Hugo was George's bodyguard.

Oh! I've heard a lot
about you.

All good, I hope.

Um, some.

Wish I could say
the same about you.

Yeah, uh, I was
kinda hoping' to talk to
Mr. Jefferson alone.

Maybe this isn't
a good time.

No, no, Hugo. Stay.
I mean, sit.

I mean, we'll go into
the kitchen.

Make yourself at home.

HUGO: Thanks.

That's quite a little
lady you got there,
which is a natural

segue into my problem.

Uh-oh. Sit down, Hugo.
Lay it on me.

Any problem of yours
is a problem of mine.
Remember that.

-Thanks.
-I really mean it.

Thanks. First of all,
Mr. Jefferson, do
you know what today is?

Tuesday.

Tuesday. Thanks.

Anyway, here's my problem.

Have you ever read a book
called The Heart
is a Lonely Hunter?

No.
Me neither.

But I was putting'
this head lock on this guy

and a copy of the book
fell out of his pocket.

And suddenly I realized
my heart is lonely.

I didn't know that, Hugo.
I didn't know your heart
was lonely.

Me neither. 'Cause, see,
I got everything in life.

I got a good job
collecting for Vinnie's
E-Z Loan Company.

I got a nice apartment
next door to a guy with
a bathroom.

Hey!

And I got good posture.
Yeah, oh.

Oh, now I get it.
Now you're looking
for somebody

to share all
this with, right?

I knew you'd understand.
This is the springtime
of my th year.

-Oh.
-It's time for me to wed.

Yeah. Okay, Hugo,
you're a great guy.
And I'm happy for you.

But can I ask you something?
Why are you telling' me
all this?

Well, I'm not telling
just you.

I'm asking
all my friends to help.

It's kinda
the buckshot theory.

I figure you sh**t enough
buckshot into the air

and by and by,
you're bound to
bag a bird.

Yeah.

I got a shotgun
down in the car,
if you need a visual aid.

No, no, no.

I believe you.
I believe you.

FLORENCE: Hi, Hugo.

Hi, Florence.
Remember me?

Yeah. That's why
I used your name
when I spoke.

Yeah, but you could
have meant anybody.

No, as far as I'm
concerned, Hugo, there
could never be another Hugo.

Really? I'm flattered.

You know, I feel
a real bond with you,

so I'd like
to ask you something.

What?

What are you doing for
the next to years?

Oh, I'm waxing
the kitchen floor.

Oh. It must be plenty dirty.

At least she's got
a good excuse. You should've
heard some of the other ones.

Look, Hugo, back to this
woman you're looking for.

What are some
of your preferences?
Preferences?

Yeah, you know, like, uh,
age, height,
weight, color of hair.

Those all sound good.

Well, that narrows
it down, right?

Now all you gotta do is find
a woman with a color of hair.

Thanks, you're a good friend.

Okay, now. Look, when
we find this woman,

how can I get
in touch with you?

Well, there are two ways
to reach me.

You could borrow some money
from Vinnie and not pay
him back.

Okay. What's the other way?

-Or, uh, give me a call.
-Oh, that sounds easy.

-I'll get my address book.
-Great.

While you're out there,
just remember what
my mom always said,

"It's just as easy
to marry a rich girl
as a poor one."

Hi, I'm Hugo. Remember me?

Yeah, I just met you
five minutes ago.

Oh. Sometimes I don't leave
much of an impression.

Of course, you do.
You were a perfect
gentleman.

Thank you.
What you got there?

Oh, well, just some drawings.
I used to be a fashion
designer.

Really, I worked in the
fashion industry myself.

Oh, really?

Yeah. I broke
a guy's nose in the
Garment District, once.

There have been times
when I felt like
doing that myself.

It's all in
the follow through.

Uh, can I see
your drawings?

Oh, sure. If you promise
not to show me
any of your work.

It's a deal.

Hey, these are good.

I've always adored culottes.

You make a lot of
money from these?

No, I'm afraid not. I can't
even give 'em away.

I can't believe that.
I'd take one for nothin'!

That's sweet of you
to say that. I think.

No, I really like them.
I think you got real talent.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You're a very dear man.

I'll see you later.

Maybe.

Okay, Hugo.
What's the number?

Oh, I don't got one.
The phone company
wouldn't give me a number

unless
I agreed to take
a telephone.

Okay. Tell you what.
Why don't you get in touch
with me in about a week?

Listen, while we're
on the subject,

how do you tell
a woman that you love her?

You just tell her you love her.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I'll do it. Thanks a lot.

-I gotta go. I'll see you.
-Where are you going?

With a little luck,
to the altar.

Hi, Jenny.

Oh. Well, hi, Hugo.

I love you.

Tom, how do you like
your coffee?

Weezy, after nine years.
Even I know how the man
takes his coffee.

Okay, Einstein, how does
Tom like his coffee?

Next to a tray
of doughnuts.

That's a bum rap.

Hey! Are these holes
getting larger?

Have you heard from Jenny
since yesterday, Helen?

Oh, not yet.
I hope she's all right.

Don't worry,
I'm sure she'll do
what's best for her.

She'll be fine.
Believe me, just fine.

Mom, Dad. Why aren't
you two at home?

Why, I look for you
upstairs and you're not there.

of course not.
You're always here!

Jenny, calm down.
What's wrong?

He's after me!

-Who?
-Him!

-Who's him?
-Him!

Him!

ALL: Hugo?

-Jenny, why?
-Why?

Because he's
in love with me.

Why?

I mean, how do you know?

Because he came right out
and told me. Why he
keeps following me around

and throwing roses
after me and...

He's mumbling something
about the springtime of
his th year.

Oh. It was you.
What was me?

Well, Hugo asked me
how do you tell somebody
you love 'em.

And what did
you tell him?

I told him to go for it.

But I didn't know
it was you.

Oh, now, sweetheart,
don't worry.

Just ignore him,
he'll go away.

HUGO:

Was that Hugo?

-He's serenading Jenny.
-Twelve stories down.

Oh, my God. Even Caruso
didn't have lungs like that.

HUGO:
Feelings, wo-wo-wo
Feelings

Well, he's determined,
I'll give him that.

Oh, well.
He's more than determined.
Why yesterday,

he sent me a side of beef

with a card,

"Meat for my sweet."

And then this morning,
I went down to my mailbox
and I found this poem,

"Roses are red

"Violets are blue

"Your feet are small.

"Will you go out with me?"

Now, sweetheart, I think
the proper thing
to do in a case

like this is to send back
the meat and then tell him

that you already have
a husband.

-Yeah. My son.
-I told him.

Well, what did he say?

HUGO:
Wo-wo-wo feelings,
for you in my heart

I guess that answers that.

I even showed him
my wedding ring,

but he still won't believe
that I'm married.

So I said to him, I said,
"Hugo, would I spend

"$ , on a piece
of jewelry just to avoid
going out with you?"

And what did he say?

"Other women have."

HUGO:
Feelings, wo-wo-wo
Feelings

MAN : Will you shut up!

MAN : Put a sock in it!

WOMAN: Do you know
"Oh, my Papa?"

That's it. I'm going down
there to put a stop to this,
once and for all.

The man is humiliating
my daughter, upsetting
the entire building,

not to mention fracturing
one of my favorite tunes.

No, Daddy.
No, Daddy, don't.

I mean, look, he doesn't
mean any harm really.

I mean, he's a very
nice man. Well, he has
some very fine qualities.

HUGO:
Wo-wo-wo
Feelings

Unfortunately, perfect pitch
is not one of them.

HUGO:

HUGO: Thank you.
Thank you, all.

I'm taking a short break,
then be back

in five minutes with
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon."

I'll be damned
if I'm gonna stand here

and listen to him sing some
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon."

I'm going down there
and tell him to shut up.

Must be out of his mind.

-Ralph, what do you want?
-I have a delivery, sir.

From the unobtrusive
gentleman with the bullhorn.

He asked me to drop by
a gift for Jenny.

No, no, no,
forget it, Ralph.

Please, sir. My life
depends upon it.

What is it?

LOUISE: Oh, my God!

Oh, no. What am I
going to do with this?

Well, It does have
its uses, ma'am.
On the way up here,

it did an excellent
job keeping the riff-raff
off the elevator.

I'm going down there and
tell him to shut up.

Good luck, sir.

Mrs. Jefferson, will you
marry again?

Oh, wait.
This is ridiculous.

Ralph, would you
do me a favor, please?
Would you go down

and tell Hugo to come
up here. Tell him that
I want to talk to him.

Yes, ma'am. Right away.

Ralph, ain't you gonna
ask for a tip?

Oh, the gentleman in the
photograph already took
care of that, sir.

He gave me the name of
a reliable loan company.

Jenny, are you sure you
want to do this yourself?

I mean, maybe it
would be better if we
talked to Hugo for you.

No. I want to
do it myself.

Look, at least we can help.
George, you know him best.

What would he be most
likely to respond to?

A brisket.

Oh, you think so?
Because Helen's brisket
is out of this world,

and she uses a hint
of garlic and, uh...

Jenny can handle this.

-Just be calm.
-Be strong.

Beware.

Be ready to cook
a brisket.

That might be him. Shh.

Relax, it's okay,
he's a nice guy.

Hi. I'm Hugo.
Remember me?

Yes, Hugo, come in.

Hey, I see
you got my picture.
Goes nice in here.

Right. Why don't you
sit down?

Look, you and I
have got to talk.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Excuse me.

Well, let me start
by saying that, uh...

Oh, I'm just
flattered by the
serenade, the gifts,

the photo, gosh.
The meat.

Yeah. Nobody doesn't
like meat.

Listen, Hugo, I hope that
this isn't going to
be painful.

I agree, Jenny. But I
gotta say it anyway.

I beg your pardon?

Please, just let me
get this out.

See, I'm not too good
with words.

Although I can do the
TV Guide crosswords
and everything.

Try this, three letters,
blank, Selleck.
I got that one.

Uh, Hugo, you say
you have something
to say to me?

Oh, yeah. Thank you.
See, Jenny, I was thinking
on the way up here

about that song
I was singing to you.

Did you happen
to hear it?

Oh, uh...
Along with the rest
of the block, yes.

Well, it's called "Feelings."
And it made me think
about my feelings.

See, what we had was
a trip to the moon
on gossamer wings.

We were two strangers that
passed in the night.

We were a traffic accident
that never happened.

What are you trying
to say, Hugo?

Jenny, this is going to
be hard to say.

But I gotta say it.

I don't love you.
I never did.
I was in love with love.

Not you.

Oh, really?

I was afraid
you'd take it hard.

Yes, I mean, it's...

God, it's sad, Hugo.
It's so sad.
I mean, you know,

ours could have been
a special relationship.

Well, don't feel bad.
I'm cutting you loose.

But don't take it personal.

I'll try not to.

See, I was looking for
a woman.

And although you were one,
you weren't the right one.

And I knew if I took you,
I would just be settling.

And people shouldn't settle.

Yeah, you're right, Hugo.
I understand.
Nobody should settle.

You don't hate me,
do you?

Oh, no. No, no.

Look, I can't speak
for the rest of the block,
but I don't hate you.

Thanks.

Listen, you can keep
the picture.

And, Jenny,

don't look back.

Well, do you believe
the arrogance of that man?

Well, at least he let
her down easy.

Jenny, don't be upset.

I hope you didn't take
any of that seriously.

Oh, yes, I did.
Hugo just did me
a big favor.

You're right. You should
see where he lives.

No, no, I don't mean that.
I mean, when Hugo
was saying

that he wasn't going to
settle for me,

it made me something
about my own life.

I was ready to give up
fashion design,

and take the first job
that came along, you know.

But you know what?
I'm not going to settle.

I'm going to stick to my
dream and make it come true.

Jenny, we just want you
to know that we have
all the faith

in the world in you.

Oh, thank you, Mom.

But you know
it's more important for me
to have faith in myself.

So if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home.

'Cause I've got some
drawings to finish.

GEORGE: What are you
gonna do with that?

Well, it has its uses.

Like what?

I'm taking the subway home.