09x18 - True Confessions

[bunniefuu]

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Fish don't fry
in the kitchen

Beans don't burn
on the grill

Took a whole lot
of tryin'

Now we're up
in the big leagues

As long as we live,
it's you and me, baby

There ain't nothin'
wrong with that

To a deluxe apartment
in the sky

We finally got
a piece of the pie

Oh, Miss Jefferson!

Which one of these
sheets do you think
little Jimmy'll like,

the rocket ship
or the clowns?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

It's hard for me to
think like a -year-old.

Uh, what do you
think, George?

Let's see, uh...

Plain sheets.

If he's gonna be hanging
around with me, he's gotta
act like a grown-up.

Florence, get off
the basketball court.

I'm coming in for a hoop.

Hey, that was good,
Mr. Jefferson.

You looked just
like "The Doc."

You mean Julius Erving?

No, you know,
that other Doc.

Sleepy, Grumpy
and Dopey's friend.

George, I can't believe it.

After years, we are
finally getting to meet
our little foster son.

Yeah, can't wait!
I'm looking forward
to it, Weez.

Somebody to take for
walks, go to the movies,
go to the park with...

You know, you could do
those things with me.

Yeah, but it
wouldn't be fun.

George, it is really
nice of you to take
a couple of days off

to play with little Jimmy.

Yeah, well, like I
said, Weezy, I've been
looking forward to this.

That's why I canceled
all my appointments.

I got one meeting this
afternoon with a Mr. Carlisle.
Do you have to keep it?

Well, he's got a
-year-old son, I figured him
and Jimmy could be friends.

Oh, that's so sweet
of you, George.

Well, you know,
I kinda played up
the game about Jimmy.

'Cause like,
Carlisle's so desperate
for a playmate for his son,

and, you know,
business is business.

And that's so
you of you, George.

Come on, let's get going.
It's time to get started
for the airport.

Weezy, it's only :.

The plane don't even get
in from Atlanta till :.

Haven't you ever
heard of tailwinds?

Oh, that's him!

Oh, uh...

Oh.

I was hoping you'd
be someone else.

Oh, really? Well, I,
I can do Lionel Barrymore.

"I fought for that flag.
And I'll not fire against it."

May we come in, Louise?

It's embarrassing
out here in the hall.

Come on in, you two.

Well, thanks a lot, Helen.

You know, when
you're in the shower,

you never hear me
complaining about your Sarah
Vaughan.

That's because my
Sarah Vaughan sounds
like Sarah Vaughan.

Listen.

I'm as helpless
as a kitten up a tree

Yes, it does sound
like Sarah Vaughan.

Yeah...
Doing Lionel Barrymore.

Hey, Willis, how about
a quick game of one on one?

Oh, uh, I'd like to,
George, but I'd rather not.

You see, I'm wearing
a new sweatsuit and I don't
want to sweat in it.

Oh, Louise, Tom and I
are going bike riding
in the park,

and we came down to invite
you two to join us.

Oh, I'm sorry, but George
and I are expecting our
little boy this afternoon.

Oh, really?

Well, uh, correct me if
I'm wrong but isn't Lionel
a little old for, uh,

Dennis, The Dumpy
Dumptruck?

It's not for Lionel.
His name is Jimmy.

He's a foster kid
me and Weezy
been sponsoring.

He's coming here?
Why didn't you tell us?

Because it's none
of your business.

Anyway, he's going
to be spending all of
his time with me.

Well, that's being
a little rough on the kid,
don't you think?

I can't believe he's
actually coming.

I can still see his
picture in that ad we answered.

Oh, he was such a cutie.
Couldn't have been more
than two years old.

All eyes, and so sad.

Yeah.
Who could resist
a face like that?

And Weezy started
sending $ a month.

Aw, that's nice.

And when we started
getting successful, I started
sending him more money.

You know,
it's a special feeling,

giving to someone
who really needs it.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that
because, you know, I really
need a video recorder.

See that, Weez, you
spoiled my surprise.

You got me
a video recorder?

No, but I wasn't gonna
tell you about it until later.

Louise, is Jimmy
looking forward
to meeting George,

or have you warned
him in advance?

Well, actually,
he knows all about us.

We've been corresponding
with Jimmy ever since
he could write.

It was like
watching him grow.

He even sent me the first
little tooth he lost.

It was so sad...

He said he put it
under his pillow,

but the tooth fairy
never came.

So we sent him $.

A hundred dollars?
Where are the pliers?

So this will be the
first time you've ever
seen little Jimmy.

Uh-huh. Last week he wrote
us telling us how much he'd
love to come and see us.

So we sent him
a plane ticket.

That's right. I'm gonna
take him all around New York,

show him all the
landmarks, you know?

Like, Yankee Stadium,
Metropolitan Museum,

the Jefferson Cleaners.

Oh, lucky kid.

Hello? Yeah, Ralph.
You're kidding?

Hey, Weezy,
Jimmy's here early.

Ah. I knew it. Tailwinds!

Yeah, right, Ralph.
Send him right up.

Yes, Jimmy
actually is my son.

What do you mean does
Mrs. Jefferson know?

No, I'm not gonna
give you $,!

And look, don't tell
Jimmy none of that stuff
about the "pay-elevator."

Oh, this is just great.

He really must've
been anxious to get here.

I wonder
what he looks like.
I'll bet he's cute.

Yeah, he looks like me.

Now, why should
he look like you?

After all the money
I shelled out for him,
that's the least he could do.

Florence, come on out,
Jimmy's here!

He's on his way up.

So soon, Miss Jefferson?
I haven't had time
to prepare lunch.

Good, then the odds
are he'll stay.

Oh, that's him!
I'll get it.

Now, he'll probably be
a little shy and nervous,

so let's make little Jimmy
feel like one of the family.

Mom!

Better raise
the basket, George.

What the hell's
going on here?

Oh, and you must be Dad!

Mom, he's every bit
the little spitfire
you said he was.

What, you're supposed
to be Jimmy?

That's right.

Uh, I'll be in my room,
watchin' the news.

I have a feeling you
gonna be on it.

Um, uh, Tom, I've got
a feeling we should
be going.

-Oh, really?
-Mmm-hmm.

-Helen?
-Jimmy, Tom, Helen, bye!

Look, whoever you are,
and whatever your name is,

I think you've got
some explaining to do.

Yes, you do. What have
you done with our son?

Well, okay. I guess
I should let you folks
in on a few things.

As I said before,
I am Jimmy.

But I've got a confession
to make. I'm not .

No kidding.

Now I've got three
questions for you.

-sh**t.
-Maybe later.

Number one, where
the hell is my money?

Number two,
why are you ?

And number three, do you
have good health insurance?

Good questions,
every one of 'em.

Let's work backwards.
Yes, I have excellent
health coverage.

Thanks to your generosity, Mom.

Next, why am I ?
Because I was last year.

And as for your money,
well, that's a somewhat,
uh, longer story.

Yeah, well, I've got
plenty of time.

I ain't too sure about you.

Uh, George, I don't
feel so good.

Now, you see,
you've upset Mom.

You're stalling.

You're right. I guess I do
owe you an explanation.

And several
thousand dollars.

Okay, here goes.

Now years ago,
I was a broke -year-old
graduate student.

I didn't have parents.
I had used up my
scholarship grant.

And I was too busy
studying to get a job.

So, I realize you're
a little ahead of me here,

but this is where
you came in.

Weezy, do I still
have my baseball bat?

It's in the closet.

Good. Go on, Jim.

Well, it was a long sh*t.

You see, I found this
little skinny kid,
I dressed him up in rags,

and then I snapped
his picture.

And then I placed an ad
in a magazine which, I'm
sure you'll vouch for this,

I worded pretty
touchingly.

Anyway, the magazine had
a circulation of million.

million people?

How many people
fell for this?

Just Mom.

I can't believe this,
Weezy.

This guy's been partying
on my money for years.

Oh, now that hurt.
That hurt.

See, I can account for
every penny you've ever sent me.

I haven't wasted one
single solitary cent.

$,?

I didn't include the
hundred for the tooth.

I figured it was a gift.

I'm calling the cops.

Uh, George, wait.

I want to hear exactly
what you did with our money.

Now, you know, it makes
me feel really good

that you feel comfortable
enough to ask.

This is where
your money went.

MA, sociology.

PhD, philosophy.

And PhD, history.

George, Jimmy is smart.

Your son, the doctor.

Well, how do we know
you didn't fake these?

Oh, trust me.

I know I'm calling the cops!

Uh, George,
we can't do that.

What do you mean we can't?

Because if we have
him arrested,

the story will get out,

and every legitimate
charity will suffer.

And Lord knows they have
a difficult enough time
raising money as it is.

Good point, Mom.

So, in other words, my
$, is out the window.

So, the least I can do
is send Jimmy out there
after it, right?

Open the door, Weez.

-Can I please say something?
-You ain't got time.

Here is your $,.

Son!

-Now, could I just
ask you one favor?
-Anything.

Would you please
lend me $,?

Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

Now, you rip me
off for $,,

then you give me the
$, and expect me
to give it back to you?

Exactly!

Then one of us is dumber than he
looks. And I know it ain't me.

Uh, what my husband is
trying to say is "good-bye."

You haven't even heard
what I want the money for.

Oh, well, let me guess.

You want to go
back to school,

and get that one degree
that you really deserve...

...a B.S.

Now, you see,
that really hurts.

You see, the danger in
being a charming, affable
and well, let's face it,

mischievous guy like me,

is that, you know, people
don't take you seriously.

So let's be straight
with each other.

You see, I do volunteer
work at this children's center,

and I want you to just
donate the money to them.

You hear that, Weez?
A children's center.

Hey, let me guess where
this center is, okay?

Uh, Paris, right?

And, uh... And of course
you want to deliver
it there personally.

So what if we give you
an extra $ so you
can fly first class?

Oh, come on, wait,
Weezy. You ain't
taking him seriously.

He's probably got
good intentions.

He probably wants to
adopt some -year-old
orphan named Fifi.

You people really
don't trust me, do you?

I don't trust your pulse.

I don't blame you for not
trusting me just a little.

But this is all very
easy to check out.

See, the children's center
is right here in New York.

Aha! You see, you can't
even keep your lies straight.

You told us you
came from Atlanta.

Oh, yeah.
Well, now that was a lie.

Actually,

I'm a New Yorker,
born and bred.

Oh, oh, by the way, here's
the plane ticket you sent me.

I couldn't get a flight
out of Brooklyn, so I decided to
take the subway.

Ah, wait a minute.

If you live here
in New York,

how did you get all that
money we sent to Atlanta?

Oh, yeah, my brother
lives down there.

You see, you've been
sending the money to him and
he's been forwarding it to me.

Yeah, he's really been
a big help, you really
would like him.

I'd love for you
to meet him.

As a matter of fact, it
was his tooth that you sent me
the $ for.

His tooth?

Well, you know,
he lost it in a fight

and I just wanted to show
him that every cloud has
a silver lining.

I can't believe you've
been right here in New York all
these years.

Amazing, ain't it?

How can you live
with yourself?

Well, I'm a nice guy.

For instance, all
of these years,

I've been bringing my
clothes to Jefferson Cleaners.

Now, the word on the
street was, "Take your
dirty clothes to Cunningham."

I figured I'd, you know,
keep it in the family.

I figured it was the
least I could do.

You ever consider su1c1de?

Once, but then I got
your first check.

Look, I brought the
money back, didn't I?

If I'd been really dishonest
I could have kept on collecting
from you until I was .

Which is in Jimmy years.

Well, Jimmy, I'll tell
you one thing, you sure
have changed my mind.

You mean you gonna
give me the money?

No. I mean, now I'm in
favor of capital punishment.

Come on. You're
being kind of hard
on me, aren't you?

I mean, I worked late
nights, I worked hard, scraping
up the money to pay you back.

And now you want this
money back for the
children's center?

Uh, that's right.

Forget it. Look,

I know you're a crook,
and I know you got
some kind of angle.

Mr. Jefferson, people change.

Now I admit I started
out thinking of you two
as a gold mine.

But every time I got
one of your checks,

a letter from your
wife came with it.

So that's how I started
learning about her work
with the Help Center,

and all the things that
you two are doing for
the community.

And I want to say that
you two people really
touched me.

Well, you touched us
pretty good too.

Believe me,
I felt bad about it.

Which is why I started
doing volunteer work at
this children's home myself.

But now the place
needs money,

which is why I called this
little family reunion.

Mom?

Well, Jimmy, I do know
it's hard to raise money.

Why, just recently,
at the Help Center...

Oh, Weezy, I don't believe
that you're falling
for this!

Look at him.
He ain't !

He ain't even from Atlanta.

And the biggest thing
he ain't, is he ain't
getting my $,.

Mr. Jefferson, I work for the
Safe Harbor Center for Homeless
Children on th Street.

Why don't you just give
them a call and check it out?

I'd like to do that.

What good is it gonna do?

Okay, you call,
his brother answers.

He mumbles something
'cause he sold
all his teeth.

Then, the two of them
take our $, and
hop a plane to Rio.

Well, it wouldn't
hurt to call, George.

Weezy, you're
wasting your time.

You wouldn't know
a con game

if it jumped up
and bit you.

Jefferson, how are you?

Oh, Mr. Carlisle?
You're early.

I know, but I just
couldn't wait to meet
your little boy.

Is he in?

No, uh, he went out
to the store to have
a T-shirt made

with your son's
name printed on it.

But he doesn't even know
what my son's name is.

Oh, well, that's gonna
take him longer then.

Like father, like son.

Listen, I didn't think
it would be a good idea
to discuss business

when our kids met later,
so I figured we could
sign the contracts now.

Oh, give me a pen.

Oh, and this must be
your lovely wife.

I guess.
Give me a pen.

And you, you are?

Nobody. Give me a pen.

I could swear I've seen
you someplace before.

Not if you've still got
your wallet in your pocket.

You sign right
next to the "X".

Uh, I brought this
for your little boy,

but I guess you've
already got one so
you won't be needing it.

Oh, no, that's okay.
Me and my wife could
play full court.

-This is your wife?
-I guess.

Here, just sign right here.

Jefferson, you're
acting strange today.
What's going on?

Nothing. Weezy, would
you explain to him?
No.

Well, uh, you see, uh,
there's been a slight
misunderstanding.

Okay, now, uh,
Jimmy is not my real son,
he's my foster son.

Oh, well, that's okay.
He'll still be able
to play with my son.

Yeah, but see, that's
another misunderstanding,

because you probably
thought that I said that
he was here in New York.

But what I meant was,
he's there in Atlanta.

See how they sound alike?

Sound alike?

Uh, Weezy, would
you help me here?
Nope.

Jefferson, just because
our kids were
gonna play together

that doesn't mean that
we have to do business.

Now, you've been
acting really strange
about this whole matter

and that concerns me.

Look, all I'm trying
to tell you is you can't
b*at Jefferson Cleaners.

I don't know. Word on the
street is, "Take your dirty
clothes to Cunningham."

Look, I'm telling you.

We do good work, and if
it's a kid you gotta have,

I'm sure me and Weezy
could come up with one.

-Right, Weez?
-No.

Would you excuse me?
I have to make a phone call.

Uh, let me have those
contracts, Jefferson.

Frankly, I don't think
this is gonna work.

Uh, excuse me, sir.
I believe that
I can clear this up.

And who are you?
The foster son?

Who would ever
believe that?

Actually, I'm J.W. Thomas,
and I'm the liason between

the Jeffersons and
their little son, Jimmy.

-Then there is
a little Jimmy?
-Oh, definitely.

Well, I'm glad
to hear that.

I was beginning to think
that Jefferson didn't
have a foster son.

Well, he certainly does.
But unfortunately,
the little rascal, you know,

had an ear infection,
so flying was out
of the question. You know?

And you came all
the way from Atlanta
to tell them that?

Oh, no, no, no. You see,
I'm, uh... I work for a
orphanage here in New York

and they're affiliated
with the home in Atlanta,
and they sent me over

to be with the Jeffersons
during their moment of
disappointment.

As you can see,
it's been quite a blow.

Quite a blow.

JIMMY: Uh, um...

We have a saying at
the Safe Harbor Center.

"If you can't love
a child,

"then that's no good."

That's where
I've seen you before!

The Safe Harbor Center
for Homeless Children.

I adopted my little boy
through your agency.

Time and again, your
staff has thanked me
for giving Todd a home.

But, actually, I'm the
one who must thank you.

He's really made
my life complete.

I'm sorry he couldn't
make it.

You see, we just moved
into the neighborhood,

and now my little boy
won't have anyone to
play with for a while.

Well, you know, I may be
out of line for saying this,
sir,

but, what the hey? Uh...

You know, if your son
is anything like you,

then he won't
have any trouble
making friends, right?

-Uh, does he look like you?
-People say so.

Well, we can be sure
that a lot of his friends
are gonna be girls, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Maybe I was worried
about nothing.

I'm gonna sign
these contracts.

Oh...

Jefferson, I misjudged you.

Yeah, a lot of people do.

Well, I won't take up
any more of your time.

Say goodbye to your
lovely wife for me.

Nice meeting you.

Oh, and, Jefferson,

Jimmy's a very lucky kid
to have a daddy like you.

I can vouch
for that, sir.

How'd I do, Dad?

You're for real.

George, I just called
the Safe Harbor Center,

and Jimmy's been
telling the truth.

He is for real.

Of course, he is, Weezy.
That's what we've been
trying to tell you.

Uh, George...

So what about the $,?

I mean, I know
it's like found money,

but we had intended it
to go to charity all along.

Yeah.

No, Weezy,
I just can't do it!

I can't let him walk out
that door with my $,.
I just can't...

Uh, George...

Okay. You got it.

-You mean you'll
give me the money?
-Yes.

-Dad!
-More or less.

But we have to walk down
there with you, to watch the
money change hands, you know?

Uh, just a second.

Why didn't you just
give this money
to the children's home?

You didn't have to come to us.
We would have never known.

Well, I kinda wanted it
all out in the open so I could
have a clear conscience.

You know?
Why now?

Well, I'm thinking about,
you know, going back to
school. Uh, theology.

Say, you know,
the kids would really
appreciate these toys.

Well, go ahead
and take 'em.

And the basketball hoops.

Everything.
Take it, take it.

And this coffee table
would look great in my
apartment.

Don't press your luck, son.

You got it, Dad.