10x05 - How Not to Marry a Millionaire

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh, hi, Florence.

Oh hi, Mrs. Jefferson.

Isn't this your day off?
I'd thought you'd be out
with Curtis.

No, child. Curtis is
ancient history.

Oh, no. What happened?

Do you know he invited
me out for a steak.

The nerve.

You don't understand,
Mrs. Jefferson.

Every single time Curtis
and I have gone out

it's been for a
steak dinner. I got
tired of it,

so I said, "Curtis, let's try
something different."

And?

And he invited me out
for a steak lunch.

But, Florence, the two
of you must do more
than go out for steaks.

Oh yeah. He invited me
to the baseball game, too.
But that's all there was.

Baseball and steak.
Steak and baseball.

He's got a sense of
humor, though.

He said his favorite team was
the Philadelphia Filets.

Well, did you ever try to
talk to him about it?

Sure. I said, "Curtis, you are
too set in your ways, honey.
You gotta make a change."

And what did he say?

Pass the A- sauce.

Mornin', Weez. Florence,
get in gear and pour me
some coffee.

Uh, George. This is
Florence's day off.

Now try to have a
little consideration.

Florence and Curtis aren't
going out anymore.

Oh. Is that by choice
or by law?

Get that.

Consideration, George.

Oh, sorry. Get that,
will you?

Oh, hi, Florence.
Hi, Betty. Come on in.

Hi Mrs. Jefferson,
Mr. Jefferson.

LOUISE: Hello there, Betty.

Florence girl, I got
the answer to all
our problems, right here.

What's that?

Girl. It's this article called
"How To Marry Money."

It tells all the places where
the rich eligible bachelors
hang out in New York.

Maybe we can
find ourselves a
millionaire.

Oh, Betty.

No, girl. It says
there's an art
gallery mentioned in

the article that
ain't far from here.
Why don't we go there

and see if we
can land a couple
of big spenders?

I don't know, Betty.
I'd feel strange
hunting after a man.

Ha!

I think it's better for a
woman to let herself
be hunted.

Oh, great. I'll get five
bloodhounds and
give you a head start.

Well, let's hope they don't
think you're a fire hydrant.

Oh, please, Florence, you've
got to go with me.

Because if I go
to that gallery alone

I'll look like a woman
on the prowl.

But if you go with me,

we'll, we'll look like,
like...

Bad modern art.

Please, Florence.

Well, okay. But remember just
to keep you company.

Oh, all right.

You want to come with
us, Mrs. Jefferson?

I'm married, Florence.

Well I won't tell
if you won't.

George, are you at that
calculator again?

You know, Weez.
Considering all factors

I'd say that
Florence's chances of
meeting a millionaire

in his right mind are,

six million to one.

Mrs. Jefferson!
Mrs. Jefferson!

Yes, yes. What is it,
Florence?

Guess, what? I met a
millionaire!

Damn Japanese calculators!

You're kidding.
I mean, I'm happy for you.

How did it happen?

Well, while Betty was looking
at this piece
of sculpture that turned out

to be a fire extinguisher,
I was sitting between these
two abstract paintings.

When suddenly
this guy came up and
said I looked strange

because I didn't
have two eyes on
one side of my nose.

He hasn't seen you first
thing in the morning.

George, for once in her
humdrum life, something nice
has happened to her.

He's rude.
Go on, Florence.

Well, anyway, he was real
nice and while he was
explaining art to me

Betty came
over and told him she
was a brain surgeon.

And he believed her?

Oh, she was good.
She kept throwing
around a lot of technical

terms like
''cranium" and "noggin."

What, did you tell him
you were, an
astronaut?

No, I told him I
was just a maid.

Oh, Florence, I'm proud of
you for telling the truth.

Yeah, me, too. So when's
he going out with Betty?

You know, Mrs. Jefferson,
there were a lot
of women in that room

that were more
interesting than me,
but Harry kept talking to me.

Oh, that's his name.
Harry Crawford.

Florence, I hate to rain
on your parade.

God knows Mother Nature's
sent enough monsoons
your way already.

But, if a man starts
walking up to you on
the street and talks to you

of his own free will,
there's no g*n in his back
or no Kn*fe up under his neck,

no way is that
man a millionaire.

I'm just saying this because
I'm concerned.

George, how can you
say that man's not
a millionaire?

Because I know
men and I know millionaires.

I am one and I'm
almost the other.

Oh, really? Which one?

Tell me, Florence. When are
you going out with Harry?

Oh, we're not. I didn't
give him my phone number.

Why not?

I don't know. I guess
I was just nervous.

So anyway, while he was
explaining to Betty that
Rodin was a famous sculptor

and not a monster
from one of those
Japanese horror movies,

I sneaked out. You don't
think I made a mistake,
do you?

That's the smartest thing
you ever did.

You really think so?

Absolutely. I'm positive.

Oh, Lord, now I know
I made a mistake.

George, why are you always
so skeptical?

Look, Weez, the guy's a
con artist. He probably read
the same article Betty did.

He figured if he couldn't
hit on a rich woman,
the next best thing to do

would be to hit
on a maid working for
a rich man.

Either that or
Braille School is right
next to the art gallery

and he
went in the wrong door.

Excuse me. Is this the
Jeffersons residence?

Yes, it is.

Does Florence Johnston
work here?

She's been known to.

Yes, she does. Are you
a friend of hers?

Well, we just met this
morning. My name
is Harry Crawford.

Oh, why hello, Mr. Crawford.
Please come in.

Florence was just talking
about you.

I'm Louise Jefferson.
And this is my husband,
George.

Oh, Florence, someone here
to see you.

So, you met my maid
this morning, huh?

Yes, I did.

And you want to see
her again?

Yes, I do.

Well, you're eccentric,
I'll give you that.

Look, maybe you could answer
me a question.

How much did you pay
back in taxes last year?

I got a refund.
Huh, sounds
like a millionaire.

George, would you please
leave Mr. Crawford alone.

I ain't bothering him.
Am I bothering you?

Well, as a matter...

Maybe you can answer this
question. What are
your intentions?

George!

Mr. Crawford!

Hello, Florence.
I hope you don't mind
my showing up like this.

Well, how in the world
did you find me?

It wasn't easy, but I
finally got your
doctor friend to tell me

where you lived.

I hope I'm not intruding,
but I really wanted to see
you again.

Well of course you're
not intruding.

It's really nice to see
you again.

Well, here I am.

Well here I am.

Well, now that we all
know where we are,
why don't we sit down

and get to know
each other?

Uh, George, I think you're
wanted in the kitchen.

By who?

Me.

It was nice meeting you,
Mr. Crawford.

My pleasure, Mrs. Jefferson.

Look, Florence. Whether
this guy is a millionaire
or not doesn't matter.

What matters is

if you're gonna lie,
why don't you
call yourself a billionaire?

I can't believe you're here.

Neither can I. Your
friend's directions
were terrible.

I've gotta tell you something
about Betty. She's not
really a brain surgeon.

I kind of figured that.
I asked her if she thought
lobotomies were humane.

She said, "Yes, and
they make nice pets, too."

Lobotomies.

Oh, look, Mr. Crawford.

No, it's Harry, please.

Okay, Harry, I'm sorry I
ran out on you today.

I guess I was
just overwhelmed,

you were so nice, I
couldn't believe it.

I'm sorry. I can be
rude if it'll make
you happy.

Oh no, no, no. It's
just that, well, I just,
couldn't understand it.

I mean, why me?

Why not you?

Well, that's the nicest
thing anybody
ever said to me.

But I am just a maid.

Do you know that that
was the very first
thing you said to me

when I met you, and
I don't want to hear
you say it again.

You know what I want
to hear you say?

That I'm just a brain
surgeon?

No. That you'll go to
Swan Lakewith me
tomorrow night.

Oh, I'd love to. But
to tell you the truth,
the mosquitoes eat me alive.

It's a ballet.

Oh!

Lobotomy, ballet.

I guess
you can tell I don't
know much about ballet.

But I do, and I
know you'll love it.

Of course, if you're busy
tomorrow night...

Let me check my
appointment book.

Well, Family Feud'sa re-run.
I guess I'm free.

Great. I'll pick you up
at seven.

Okay.

And you will leave your
insect repellent
at home, won't you?

Oh, okay.

Oh, I almost forgot.
I picked up a little
something on my way over

I'd like to give to you.

A gold watch!

This must
have cost a fortune!

Don't worry about it,
Florence.

This never, I mean,

this only happens in the
movies, child.

Or...when two people are
really serious
about each other.

Well?

Harry, this is beautiful
but I can't take it.

Why not, Florence? There's no
strings attached.

I can't.

Sure, you can.

No, I can't.

At least try it on.

Really, I can't.

Okay.

I guess one little try
couldn't hurt anything.

There. You look stunning.

Yeah I do, don't I?

I still can't take it, though.

You understand, don't you?

Of course I do.
But believe me,

they'll come a day
when you're ready
for this and a lot more.

You're special, Florence.
Real special.

But, Harry, I'm just a...

Amazed at how well
we get along.

Bye.

Bye.

Is Harry gone? I didn't
hear the door close.

Mrs. Jefferson, were you
eavesdropping?

Oh, of course not!

He offered you a gold
watch. Why the hell didn't
you take it?

So, Florence and Harry are
still seeing each other,
Louise?

Do you
think it's gonna work out?

Now, Tom, don't
be so nosy.

What Florence
does and with whom
she does it.

is her own business.

Now come on, Louise.
Give me the trash.

Well, they've been out every
night this week.

If it wasn't
the ballet,

it was the opera or
the symphony.

And every night,
he's offered her a gift more
expensive than the last one.

Oh, and each time she
sends it back, right?

That's right.

Oh, but it's still nice
to hear about a man
showering a woman

with lavish gifts.

That kind of romance doesn't
happen much anymore.

Well, I suppose that full
set of Tupperware
I gave you was cruel

and unusual punishment.

Oh, Tom, I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right.

My heart does skip a b*at
every time I save leftovers.

But, Harry is such a romantic.

Oh, he's on
his way over here now
as a matter of fact.

He and Florence are
having a picnic out
on the balcony.

That is romantic.

Well, now wait a minute.
I'm more of a
naturalist than that.

Oh, Helen, you remember
that last picnic we went on?

Oh, Louise, it had everything,

the great outdoors
could offer, It had fresh air,
grass, trees.

And a twelve-inch color
television set.

The Mets were on TV, okay?

They don't call him "Grizzly
Willis" for nothing.

You know, Helen, all this
talk has given me an
overwhelming desire

to slip away with
you upstairs.

Oh, Tom,

you romantic fool.

Contain yourself.

Oh, well,
Louise, excuse us

while we go upstairs.

I just remembered, the Mets
are on TV today.

And he's gonna score just
about as much as they do.

Know something, Weez?

Something' weird is
going on with this
Crawford guy.

I had my
accountant check old
Harry out.

Oh, what happened?

He is loaded.

And what's wrong with that?

I don't know.

There's something off balance
in the universe.

Let me check it out.
Gravity check.

Nope, that's still working.

LOUISE: What?

Let's see...

Water's still wet. I don't
know what it is,

Weez, but I'm telling you
something weird is going
on someplace.

Oh. I feel so beautiful today.

My, God, it's all
over the place.

So how was your date
last night?

Oh, he was great.

Do you know
Harry tried to give me
a pearl necklace?

And you didn't take it?

No.

Gravity check.

Mr. Jefferson, I'd love to
take Harry's gifts,
really I would.

But to tell you the
truth, I'm scared. I mean,
if I do it means I'm really

serious and, well, I'm
not too sure he's the
right man for me yet.

Uh, well, tell me, do
you enjoy yourself when
you're with him?

Yes.

And do you think about
him when you're not
together?

Mrs. Jefferson,
all the time. But I still
don't know why he keeps

giving me all
those expensive things.

Well, Florence, it's obvious
that you care for him.

And by offering
you those gifts,

he's just trying to show
you how much he
cares for you.

I think he loves me.

He loves you?

Gravity check.

Oh! George!

Florence, you're beautiful,
as always.

Well, that's because
that's how you make
me feel. Come on in.

Ain't that sweet?

Good evening, Mrs. Jefferson,
George.

Look. I've got something to
talk to you about.

I'll take this, Harry.

Let me guess. You want
me to name the
Fortune

by net worth and
alphabetically?

No, when I first met
you I doubted you,
right? But I gotta say,

out of all the
guys that Florence has
brought around here

over the past eight years,

you are the best
of all three.

I take that as a
compliment, George.

You should.

Oh, you know, Harry, this
was so thoughtful.

Florence, come stand by me.
I want to show you something.

Now what do you see?

Well, there's a garbage scow
going up the East River.

No.

You see this skyline?
Isn't it something?

There's a whole
world out there, Florence,
that can be all yours.

Harry, even with all your
money you can't afford that.

and Staten Island, too

Would you settle for
Staten Island?

You know, Harry. I mean,

I have seen and
learned so much this week.

If I were to die tomorrow,
I'd say.

Whoa, what a rock!

Tell me about it.

Harry, it's beautiful,
but I can't...

Florence, all week long
you've been
turning down gifts from me.

And I've
gone along with it.

But before you give it back
this time, I want you to
know that you are

a very special person.
And I wouldn't offer it to
you if I didn't think you

deserved it.

Well in that case
I accept.

Florence, I'm so
proud of you.

Well, I'm glad I've made
you happy.

Do you realize what a
special moment this is?

Well, I think so. But why
don't you tell me
what you mean?

Well, you've finally arrived.

Arrived? Where've I been?

Searching.

Searching for your
own self-worth.

Florence,
don't you understand that by

finally accepting this gift
you've begun to
see the light?

You are worthy of
these things and more.
Much more.

I don't understand.

Florence, the reason you
didn't accept my gifts before

was because you
thought you didn't
deserve them.

I sensed your
low esteem the
moment I met you.

What was the first thing
you said to me?

Don't touch the anchovy loaf.

No. You said you were
"just a maid."

Well, yeah, that too. but...

"Just a maid"? Florence,
I made up my mind
then and there

that it was my duty to--
to make you see that you
aren't "just a maid."

You are special and you are
worthy of special things.

Your duty? Then the ballet,
the, the dinners,
the gifts were just...

They were fun, weren't they?

Well, yes. But that was
because I was doing them

with someone I enjoyed
being with.

Well thanks, Florence.
But they were more
than that.

They were the key to
transforming you into

somebody that you could
finally be happy with.

In other words, you
didn't like me,

you liked what you thought
you could turn me into, right?

Now, there we go again,
slipping.

You didn't answer
the question.

Oh, Florence, of course
I like you.

And believe me, this is
just the beginning.

Why, by the time I'm
through with you,

there won't be anything
we can't do together.

Well, I don't know about
what we,

but I'll show you
something I can do.

What's that, dear?

Who do you think you are?

You think just
because you've
got some money

you can mess
with people's minds.

Florence, I don't...

If you think I'm going
to play guinea pig for you,

you've got another thing
coming. You hear?

I don't understand...

In case you hadn't notice,
I had plenty
of self-esteem the day

I met you and I
didn't need your fancy dinners
or fancy plays,

and especially not you to
remind me of that.

Well, then why did you say
you were just a maid?

Okay, maybe I shouldn't have
said "just."

Ah-hah!

"Ah-hah," nothing!

I mean
it was just that I was
around a bunch of people

that I wasn't used to,
that's all.

I mean haven't you
ever felt out of place?

Like around human
beings for instance?

Florence, I think that you...

Oh no, you don't think.

That's the trouble,
you don't think.

If you did, you wouldn't
try to change people
into something

you wanted
instead of appreciating
them for what they are.

Now if you don't mind,
you can take your ego,
if you can lift it,

and get out of here!

But, Florence, I only have
your best interests at heart.

Oh yeah, well so do I!
I almost forgot.

Florence, are you all right?

Of course
I'm all right.

What were you two
doing, eavesdropping, again?

She was. I just came
right out and listened.

Florence, I can't believe the
nerve of him.

We're sorry.

Yeah, Florence.
I know it's going to
hurt for a while, but,

you're better off, believe me.

Thanks, Mr. Jefferson.

And to keep your hurt
to a minimum,

just don't even think about
those millions

and millions and millions of
dollars

that you just
threw out the door.

And George, to keep your
hurt to a minimum,

keep your mouth
to a minimum.

I just don't understand,
Mrs. Jefferson.

I mean, why would Harry
do that?

I'd never do that.

I'd never try
to change somebody
just to please myself.

Oh, my God. Curtis.
Excuse me.

She's really upset, Weezy.
We better cheer her up.

Let's tell her she
doesn't have to scrub down
the balcony till tomorrow.

Hello, Curtis? This is
Florence.

Listen, remember what I said
about changing your ways?

Well, forget it.

Sure, I mean it.

What?

The Yankees and Orioles
tomorrow night? You bet.

Box seats?

The visitors dugout?
You romantic devil, you.

I'll see you.

The visitors dugout? Huh?

Yeah. You know, Curtis
may be stuck on baseball,

but at least he appreciates me
for who I am.

Yeah. And don't worry about
losing Harry.

So you missed out on
a million bucks
what's money anyway?

Gravity check.

Ow!