10x09 - Who's the Fairest

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

WOMAN ON TV:
Legs, legs, legs, legs.

Now hips, hips, hips...

Now arms, two, three,
four. And...

Reach, reach, reach, reach.
Now stop.

Well, that concludes our
two-minute warm-up.

Now we're ready to begin
our workout.

Okay, Mrs. Jefferson.
You all set?

Mrs. Jefferson?

Come on, Mrs. Jefferson,
you ain't that tired.

Who said I was tired?
I'm not tired.

Well, good. Because they're
ready to start.

Hold your arms up.

Oh, Florence, do we have to?

Let's turn off the TV and
just relax.

Mmm-mmm. Not a chance.

Now, I'm going to
exercise.

I've been promising myself I
was gonna start for weeks,
and today is the day.

I'm gonna whip myself
in shape, and get thin,
thin, thin.

WOMAN ON TV: Now, double time.
One, two, one, two, one, two,
one, two, one, two...

On second thought,
don't nobody want
a bone but a dog.

And he don't want it
if there ain't no meat
on it.

Hey, Weez, you know something?

It's amazing the way
ideas come.

I was taking the subway
home from my Queens store,
you know.

And guess what was staring
down at me?

Children?

No. A picture of Miss
Subways.

You see, every year, they
pick a beautiful girl to
represent Miss Subways.

So I figured, why not me?

Well, if you expect to have
any chance at all, you'll have
to shave off the moustache.

No, Weez. I mean a
Miss Jefferson Cleaners
promotion.

I mean, everybody will get to
know Jefferson Cleaners.

Oh, George. I don't know.

Well, it worked once.
Everybody knows about
the subway.

Yeah and it's better
than that Valentine's Day
promotion.

Remember? "Half off
for anybody named Cupid."

How's this for a promotion?

Take this dry cleaning
into my bedroom or half off
your next paycheck.

I'm telling you, Weez,
Miss Jefferson Cleaners

is gonna be bigger
than the Bicentennial!

Oh, George, I hate the idea.

It's just exploiting women
for your own gain.

You say it like it's bad.

Look, women have come
a long way.

And they don't appreciate
being treated as sex objects.

Why, today we have women
scientists, women governors,
even women astronauts...

Yeah. But I want somebody
good looking.

George, don't you understand?
Women don't want to be

looked at
like pieces of meat?

Oh, yeah? Then how come
you can walk to the plainest
woman in the world

and say to her, "You sure
are looking good today,"
and she'd say, "Thank you."

Oh, go on, George.

Hey, Florence, you sure are
looking good today.

Why thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

Well, George, since you're so
hung up on looks,

I assume that you're not going
to even bother with anything
like a talent competition.

Of course there's going to
be a talent competition.

It'll give the audience a
chance to stretch their legs

before the swimsuit
competition.

So you're really going through
with this beauty contest, huh?

Isn't that the most sexist
thing you ever heard of?

Absolutely.

And I got a friend Ernestine,
whose daughter would
be perfect.

I'm gonna call her.

Does she look anything
like Ernestine?

Spitting image.
Great. Have her gallop on by.

George, having a beauty
contest is a big decision.

I can't believe that you
didn't talk it over
with me first.

I am talking to you.

Every time something important
happens, I talk to you
before I talk to anybody else.

Mr. J, this beauty contest
of yours is a smashing idea!

So, I would be the
first person you'd
talk to, huh?

Hey, I hung a sign
up in Charlie's Bar.

I didn't talk to nobody.

What do you want?

Well, actually I've come
to ask you a favor.

You see, I have a friend
named Sophia...

Forget it, Bentley.
I ain't taking no bribes.

Please, Mr. J. You don't
know how much this
could mean to me.

What are you talking about?
Have you ever been
in love?

No.

George.

Relax, Weez. I thought he
meant recently.

But you know what it's
like to yearn
for a woman.

Well, that's how I feel
about Sophia.

We've only just recently met,
but I know she's the
one for me.

She's so sweet,
so pure, so innocent.

How do you know that?
It says so right in here.

Look, Bentley, Miss Jefferson
Cleaners has to be more
than just pretty.

She's gotta have talent.
Oh, Mr. J...

I mean other than that,
Bentley.

I can assure you, Mr. J,
there's a lot more to Sophia
than just these pictures.

She can be so warm,
so intelligent and,
depending upon

the outcome of this contest,
so affectionate.

Look, okay. I'll tell you
what, I can't promise
you anything,

but I'm holding
auditions tonight.

Can she be here in about
three hours?

With wings on her feet.

Well, that's more than she's
wearing in the picture.

You won't be sorry about
this, Mr. J.

Ah, listen,

when they asked her what her
favorite tree was, she said,
"The Christmas."

Aw.

George, I appeal to
your sense of decency
one last time.

Please stop
this beauty contest.

I can't do that, Weez.

I've got a bunch of
contestants coming
over here tonight.

So no matter what I
say you're still going
on with this, right?

Right.
Even though you know I
disagree with you.

Weez, I've got to.

Then in that case, I know this
lovely young lady Dorothy
at the Help Center...

Oh no, not you too,
Weez.

She's kind of shy, but if I
ask her I think she would...

Now, remember, Sophia,
the sole judge of
this contest

is my very best friend.

How can I forget?
You keep telling me
every five minutes.

Okay, ladies, now before we
discuss the contest rules.

Hi.
Hi.

Uh, I'd like for you to
take a moment to reflect
on what it means to

spend a year of your life as
Miss Jefferson Cleaners.

Anyway...

The main job for Miss
Jefferson Cleaners is to
symbolize the work we do.

Clothes come to us
dirty, and soiled,
and when we're done with them

we send them back
fresh and pure as the
driven snow.

And that is what I want Miss
Jefferson Cleaners to be,
as pure as the driven snow.

Now that's honesty.

But back to the contest.
Now, contestants will not

be judged on beauty and
talent alone.

You will also being judged
on essay,

"What In By Nine,
Out By Five"
means to me.

Hang in there.
That could be the press.

Hi, Mr. Jefferson. I'm Terri
Monroe. Ernestine's
daughter.

What? You're Ernestine's
daughter?
Mmm-hmm.

Well, you certainly have
her, uh, same number of arms.

So, tell me, Terri,
what do you do for a living?

Model or actress?
No, actually,
I go to law school.

Law school? A girl with
your looks, you could have
been a stewardess.

But that's okay.
What's done is done.
Come in. Have a seat.

Okay, now,

ladies and gentlemen,

I am the only judge and
the jury.

And I ain't taking no
bribes or favors.

You see, I happen to
be a wealthy, handsome,
happily married man.

And I've never been happier
than at this very moment.

So,

I want you to take this
entry form that my happily
married wife will give you,

into the kitchen to fill out.
Okay?

Here you are, Dorothy.
Thank you.

GEORGE: Everybody gets one,
Weez.

Well, okay,
into the kitchen, girls.

Sorry, Mr. Bentley.
Contestants only.

That's a wonderful rule,
Mrs. J.

I'd better go
and check for imposters.

Jefferson.
Mr. Whittendale!

To what do I owe
this honor?

Well, I'd just like to say
congratulations on your
store's tenth anniversary.

You're doing so well just at
the time your lease expires.

Well, thank you, what lease?
Your store's, Jefferson.

Happy anniversary.
Your new lease.

Oh, well thank you. I hope
it'll be another years.

I'm sure.
Oh, and I heard about
your beauty contest.

I think it's a marvelous idea.

Oh, thank you very much.
But now about this lease...

Almost as marvelous as an
idea I had,

making my niece
the winner.

Your niece? Look, I'm sorry,
Mr. Whittendale but

I'm running this contest
honestly and on the level.

Jefferson!

Anyway, I asked her down
here to meet you.

Cherry!

Is this gonna take long?
I've got a friend whose
stitches I gotta take out.

Uh, Mr. Whittendale, can
I speak to you a minute
in private.

Certainly. Cherry,
you stand right here.

And put away that cigar.

You'll set off the
smoke alarm.

Look, Mr. Whittendale,
with all due respect to
you and your niece,

what did you say her
name was, Scary?

Cherry.
Well, whatever.

But, uh, you see,
I decided to run this
contest a different way.

Um, I just wanted Miss
Jefferson Cleaners to be a
little more, well, cleaner.

I mean, not that there's
anything wrong with Cherry,
you understand.

I mean, I'm sure she's
a lovely, sweet, charming...

Oh, come off it, Jefferson.
She's refuse.

Yes sir, she is.

But the winner nonetheless.

I don't mean to mean to throw
a wrench into things,
Jefferson.

But Cherry has to win
for private, personal reasons.

Oh, because of the
psychological effect
it may have on her?

No. I'm thinking of my life.

And the creative ways my wife
will find to end it if Cherry
doesn't win.

Look, Mr. Whittendale,
I'm sorry.

But I've gotta run the contest
the way I want.

I understand.

That is just exactly the
way I run my buildings.

You know, she might make a
good Miss Jefferson Cleaners.

Thank you, Jefferson.
In the meantime,
I'll hold on to this.

And you hold on to that.

So, Cherry, tell me,

why do you want, to be
Miss Jefferson Cleaners?

What difference does it make?
I'm gonna win anyway.

Well, you've got poise,
I'll give you that.

CHERRY: Are we through?

Look, just one more thing.
Um...

For the sake of the contest,

you will be given a three
minutes to do some kind
of a talent thing.

Do you have some talent?

Yeah. I got talent.

Well, can we talk about it?
I mean there might be kids
at the show, you know.

Well, girls we'll see you
next week.

And there will be
no favoritism.

And everything will be on
the up and up.

So Dorothy, good luck and
for the rest of you,
goodbye.

Sophia, I'm sorry
I corrected your entry form.

But where it said "eyes,"
they meant what color,
not how many.

Uh, George, what is this?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Weez, I forgot to tell you,
this is Cherry.

She's one of
the beauty contestants.

I'm not just a contestant,
okay. I'm the winner.

Well, that's a very
good attitude.

Because if you don't think
you're going to win,
then no one will.

I know I'm gonna win.

My uncle just bought this guy.

Right, bro?

George, can I see you
for a moment?

No.

George!
Okay, okay.

Look, while you're gone,
I'm just going to be
setting up my talent, okay?

Good.

Hey. This talent of yours.
Does it have any fire in it?

No.
Go ahead.

Hey. Yeah?

George, what does she
mean, that her uncle
bought this guy?

I'll explain it to you
later, Weez.

Where are you going?

I said I'll explain it to
you later. Not now.

Spill it, George.

Who is her uncle?

Mr. Whittendale.

I should've known.

Look, Weezy, he said he's
gonna tear up my lease
if she wasn't the winner.

Lease or no lease,
you're responsibility to run
this contest fairly.

I'm running it fairly.
The only difference between
my contest is that

I picked the winner first.

And she says she has talent.

CHERRY: Ready!
See? Everybody's got some
kind of a talent.

Weezy, look.
She's gonna be all right.
Look, I promise.

I've seen it done with
eight dominoes,
but never ten.

Thank you, thank you,
contestant number four.

MRS. JEFFERSON:
Encore! Encore!

Thank you, contestant
number four.
That was very inspirational.

Why, thank you.
Say what?

I said thank you.

Sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Moving right along to our
next contestant,

Miss Cherry Whitten...

And Cherry will show us her,
well, we'll see. Cherry, it's
all yours.

I knew that last week.

No, I mean it's time
to perform.

Oh, okay. I'll need a
couple of minutes to
set up.

That should give everybody a
chance to cop a major buzz.

Yes, guys, she's single.

Cherry'll be with you
in a moment.

George, now you know my
feelings about this.

Now I want this contest
to be run fairly.

Is there any
chance of you
surprising me?

No.

Charlie, will you give me
a double, please?

Sure, Mr. Jefferson.

Look, Charlie. I need
some help with
this contest.

Oh, Mr. Jefferscn,
not to worry.

I mean no matter who you pick
your cleaners will be
well represented.

Unless of course you wind up
with that lox on stage
by mistake.

Hey, is that any way
to talk about
Miss Jefferson Cleaners?

What? Oh, wait a minute,
I get it, if she's the winner,

she must have one
hell of a talent, right?

Go on, Charlie, you think
anybody's gonna believe
that that's talent?

Not the way I water
down my drinks here.

Okay, now I'm going for
a new North American
record, dominoes.

What moxey!

Mr. Jefferson, why her?

I'll give you a hint, Charlie,
her last name is Whittendale.

Oh, Whittendale, uh-huh.
Hey Mr. Jefferson,
between you and me,

I mean, don't you think
it's about time you told

Whittendale to stop
pushing you around.

I mean so the guys got
money and power.

But it's up to guys like you
and me to show him he's

no different from the
rest of us.

I mean he owns this building,
right? Who cares?

Me, I treat him like
any other customer.

Bartender, another drink.

Yes sir, Mr. Whittendale, sir.

Premium scotch, sir,
on the rocks and, of course,
on the house.

And may I say sir, that's a
beautiful tie you're wearing
tonight, sir...

All right, so sue me.
I like the guy.

A lot of help you are.
I know what I've gotta do.

Mr. J, Now I know
you're terribly busy
emceeing and judging.

But if I might have a word
with you, just a word?

Yeah?
Pleeease!

Get out of my way.

Very good, Cherry.
All right.

Cherry, ladies and
gentlemen. Okay, now,

moving right along to our
final contestant,
Miss Terri Monroe...

Look, Terri,
you can throw in the towel,
if you want,

I mean that domino act is
a pretty tough act to follow.

Oh, no, Mr. Jefferson.
I'll sing.

Okay.

Here she is singing.

Shh...

was there

steady rain

Thank you.

Terri Monroe.

Okay, now ladies and
gentlemen.

I'll tabulate the votes and
pick the winner. Thank you.

Oh boy, Terri?
Yes, Mr. Jefferson?

Look Terri, I just wanted
you to know that as I far as
I'm concerned,

you can win any
beauty contest.

That's very sweet of you...

But not this one.

You see, I'm in a
kind of a jam.

I know all about
your lease, Mr. Jefferson.

Florence explained the
situation to me.

She did?
Yeah, and I understand what
you have to do.

Then, why'd you compete?

Because it's fun.
And if people'll listen,
I love to sing.

But anyway, thanks for
the chance.

And I sure hope your publicity
works out for you.

Why, thanks.

It really was fun.
Oh, good.

Okay, now, will the five
finalists please come
up on stage?

Okay, now.

The judge, that's me,
has made the decision.

Okay...

We'll begin with our
second runner-up,

Miss Sophia LaRue and Binky.

Now, wait, Sophia, Binky!

Best friend, huh?

But the dominoes, I mean...

Twelve dominoes...

And the first runner-up, who
will perform all the duties
of Miss Jefferson Cleaners

should the winner be
unable to complete
her reign is...

Miss Dorothy Taylor.

I'm so excited!

And now the moment we've
all been waiting for...

the winner, the new Miss
Jefferson Cleaners is...

Miss...

Terri Monroe!

Jefferson!

Oh, shut up!

Now, George, calm down.

I'm sure once Mr. Whittendale
thinks about all this for
awhile, he'll understand.

He's not going to
throw you out.

He tore up my lease and threw
it in the air, Weez.

Well, you don't want
to rent from
a litterbug anyway.

Jefferson.
Look, Mr. Whittendale!

The reason...
Save it.

I've already taken the liberty
of drawing up another lease.

Beg your pardon?Ugh. You amaze me, Jefferson.

I tried to intimidate you.

But you weren't afraid
to stand up to me.
I admire that.

Well, Mr. Whittendale,
that's the kind of guy I am.
I mean, I'm not...

Quiet.
Yes, sir.

Actually, it was my wife who
insisted that Cherry win.

She and Cherry have been
spoiled their entire lives.

But you showed them that
things don't always
go their way.

That some people
just can't be bought,
and I admire that too.

So if you wouid just
sign these...

Ha, sure!

Well, Mr. Whittendale, I just
hope this hasn't caused

too much of a problem
within your family.

Oh, no. Not at all.

In any case, they'll just have
to learn that nobody rides
for free in this life.

Not even a Whittendale.

Well, I can understand
their disappointment.

Maybe I could invite them
for coffee and explain.

Don't bother. They were so
upset over Cherry's
having lost,

I had to send the two of them
on a Caribbean cruise
for a month.

Thank you.

Uh, but then aren't they
riding for free after all?

No, they're not. I added the
cost of the cruise to your
husband's rent.

Paragraph two, Section seven,
Clause three.

Welcome back, Jefferson.