10x15 - Trading Places

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Really? Really?

Aah!
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, my goodness!

Oh! What's going on?

Remember that radio contest
I entered?

Yes.
Well, I won!

Oh, congratulations!
What did you win?

Well, I get to take
a special guest
of my choice,

to lunch Saturday
with Kent Tobin,
the soap opera star.

Kent Tobin! Oh-ho-ho!
Kent Tobin!

Florence! Calm down.
You're getting
carried away.

After all,
he's just a man.

You want to be my guest?

To meet Kent Tobin?

Kent Tobin!

Ooh! Kent Tobin!

Oh! Uh.

Well, uh...

I guess I can
manage to go.

Oh, thank you,
Mrs. Jefferson.

See I was gonna
invite Betty,

but since this is
a special occasion,

I wanted to invite
a special friend.

Besides Betty don't
pay my paycheck.

Well...

I don't care why
you invited me.

I'm just glad you did.

Gee, I don't know what
I'm going to ask him first.

I do. I'm going to ask him
if the mystery woman he flew
to Brazil with

was really Ramona
the jewel thief,

or the woman who had
his child four years ago.

Well, how do you
keep the plot to that
soap opera straight?

Soap opera? I'm talking
about his private life,
child.

Hello, Weez.
Oh, hi, George.

Ooh, have I got a great
weekend planned!

Well, George,
I've already
made some plans.

Will, I be able to keep
my lunch date on Saturday?

Why not? I said I was going
somewhere. I didn't say
nothing about you.

I'm gonna play golf
with Whittendale.

Well, since when
do you play golf?
I don't, Weez.

The real object of golf is
to dress in loud clothes,

ride in electric carts
and hang around with
rich people.

I'm gonna be doing all three
of those things Saturday
and Sunday.

Wait a minute, aren't
you supposed to go to
a basketball game

with Tom on Sunday?
Yeah, but I can
always dump him.

You mean to tell me,
just because something
better came up

you're going to disappoint
your best friend?

Of course. You can't
disappoint your enemies.
They're expecting it.

Look, Weez, the day
Willis buys this building,

is the day I will spend
a Sunday with him. And you
can take that to the bank.

I'm going to practice
my swing.

Well, the least you can do
is call Tom so he can make
other plans.

And hurt his feelings?
What kind of friend would
do something like that?

You tell him for me.

Oh, hi, Tom. Come on in.
Hi, Louise.

Hey, George, old buddy,
I just dropped by
to tell you

I picked up the tickets
for the game.

Oh, I'm really up
for this one.
How about you?

Huh? Oh, yeah.
Great, great, great.

Oh, Willis, uh, have I ever
told you how valuable your
friendship is to me?

No. But I feel
the same way.

Oh, I really look forward
to these times we spend
together.

Well, that's great.
We gotta be careful.

Careful? Of what?

Friendship burnout.

What?
Most experts say it's
dangerous for close friends

to get over-exposed
to each other.
Oh-ho, come on.

I'm serious.
I mean, it's a fact.

You know, most divorced
couples were once married,
right?

Yeah, but all we were
planning to do is go to
a basketball game together.

That's why we gotta
cancel it.
To save our friendship!

What?
Look, trust me,
old buddy.

We saved it
just in time, okay?

Hey, wait a minute.
That's a lot of hooey!

The reason you're canceling
is that you're going golfing.

Where did you get
a crazy idea like that?

You'd better tell him
the truth, George.

Okay, I'll tell you
the truth since you figured
it out anyway.

Whittendale is forcing me
to go play golf with him.

But we've been planning
this for two weeks.

Oh, come on, Willis.
What are you trying
to do to me?

It's not like something
like this has never
happened to you before.

You should be used
to be it by now.

Boy, it's a good thing
I'm a patient man.

I don't like to go to
basketball games alone.

I mean, they...
It makes me nervous
to be sitting there...

Don't worry about it.
Look, if the home team
is winning,

somebody is bound
to talk to you.

Louise, what am I
gonna do?

Oh, well, Tom, don't you
have any other friends?

Who do you think
I asked before him?

Well, what about Helen?
Can't she go?

No. Helen's visiting
her mother.

Hey, Louise,
how about you?

Oh, well, I'm not
a basketball enthusiast.

What I mean is,
I'm not much of a fan.

Well, actually...
I hate it.

Oh, well...

All right.

Okay, I'll go.

Oh, wonderful!
Oh, you won't regret it.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
We'll have a ball.

Oh, and Louise, don't bring
any cash with you.

It's a rotten neighborhood.

That's exactly what
I didn't want to happen!

I hate basketball.

Oh. Well, you wanna stir up
a little excitement?

Just put a sign
on Willis's back,
"I carry cash."

You know, the way
you treat people,

I'm surprised that you
have any friends at all.

Weez, what're you talking
about? I'm a gem!

People know exactly
the way I feel about them,

that's why it doesn't
matter what I say to 'em.

Well, it matters to me.

And I want you to
promise from now on

when you make plans
with our friends

that you won't drop them
just because something
better comes along.

Okay, I promise.

Hello, Mr. J.
Are we on for Saturday?
Nope.

George!

Oh, Mr. Bentley,
please come in.
I'm sorry.

Oh, it's all right, Mrs. J.
You know, a day
without a door slam

is a day without Mr. J.

I can't believe this.

He canceled out on you
and you are not even angry.

Oh, it's because I know
he's only joshing.

After all, who
in his right mind would
give up an opportunity

to see Her Majesty's
collection of th Century
English teapots?

I'll start the ball rolling.

Oh, Mr. J.,
you can't desert me now.

I mean, one hardly goes
to a teapot exhibit stag.

Well, Mr. Bentley,
maybe you can go
on another day.

No. I'm afraid Saturday
at : is the only time.

Oh, and I was so
particularly wanting
to see this teapot

that once belonged
to Queen Victoria.

They say she kept it
on her nightstand next
to her bed, you see,

filled with a special
herbal brew

she used to
cleanse her carbuncles.

Hate to miss that.

Well, what about
your other friends?

Who do you think I asked
before Mr. J?

Well, are you sure
you can't go alone?

Oh, I suppose I could.
But, uh,

it's not the same thing
as being able to turn
to a good friend and say,

"Gee, what a teapot!"

I'm so sorry.

Ah, well...

Well...

If it means that much
to you, I'll go.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. J!
Thank you!

You won't regret it
and you won't
be disappointed.

You know, teapots are
an art unto themselves.

I think my own love affair
with teapots began when I
was just a lad of four

and I first heard
the immortal lyric...

short and stout...

Get the hell out

Mrs. Jefferson,
what you gonna wear
to lunch with Kent Tobin?

Oh, no! I forgot
all about that!

Florence, I can't go.

See, Weez? There you go
disappointing your friends
again.

Oh, well, that's a shame,
Mrs. Jefferson.

You know, I was really
looking forward to spending
the afternoon with you.

Oh, hi, Betty.
Guess what?

Good news, girl.
You can go after all.

I was supposed to have lunch
with Florence and Kent Tobin.

Well, just tell Bentley
you can't make it.

But he had
his heart set on it.
And I promised him.

You see, that's the trouble
with you, Weez. You make
dates and keep them.

Anybody can do that.

You should do like
I do sometimes.

Like, if I don't want to go,
I don't go. And they're
still my friends.

Because I always
bail you out.

Come on, Weezy,
you gotta admit it.

I mean, living with me is
never a dull moment, right?

I mean, I'm a regular
three ring circus.

Yeah, and I always get
stuck with a shovel
behind the elephants.

Oh, Betty says she's
sorry you can't go.

You know what
I don't understand?

I'm Mrs. Nice Guy,

and I'm going to
have a lousy weekend.

George is Mr.
Step-All-Over-Your-Friends,

and he's going to wind up
doing whatever he wants.

Yeah. That's just the way
he is. He just doesn't care.

It must be nice not to care.

Once, just once,
I'd like to be like George.

Just once.

Hello, Florence.

Oh, hi, Mr. Jefferson.

Listen, thank you for
the little extra bonus
in my paycheck.

Oh, don't even mention it,
Florence, you deserved it.

I mean, you know,
it's a pretty hectic job
working for Louise.

Oh, I know.
But your job is tougher.

You're married to her.

Hi, George, I'm home.

Hi, Louise.

George, George, George!

Do you realize
how lucky you are
to be married to me?

You never let me forget.

I sold

Help Center raffle tickets.
It's a record.

Oh, you poor baby.
You must be tired.

How'd you do it?
It was simple.

I just went
to all your stores and
told the employees

if they wanted to
keep their jobs, they had
to buy five tickets.

Louise!
Oh, come on,
it's for a good cause.

And also how can you
resist this prize?

"Help the Help Center and
win a warm winter vacation."

Come on, Louise.
You can't afford
prizes like this.

Oh, George, grow up.

There are no warm
winter vacations.

Why not?
Because there are no
winning raffle tickets.

Yeah, But...
Look,

if you sell
raffle tickets,

people will be
disappointed, right?
Right.

So what's one more?

Because it's not fair.

Oh, George!

George, George.

Who said that
life was fair?

Is it fair that I have
Florence for a maid?

Is it fair that
I'm voluptuous

and Helen looks
like Olive Oil?

Okay. So life isn't fair.

But at least the Help Center
charity should be.
Why?

Because those poor people
put up their money
in good faith.

Oh, well, you know
how people are.

When they lose
they always say,

"Oh, well, I never win
anything, anyway."

So I'm just making it
come true.

Oh, Mr. Jefferson,
I finished the ironing.

Here's the handkerchief
you asked for.
Thank you, Florence.

Oh, boy,
do you look sharp.
Thank you.

Well, aren't you
forgetting me?

I've been trying to
for years.

Florence!
Answer the door!

I can't do that,
Mrs. Jefferson!
And why not?

Because if I do that,
I can't do what I'm doing.

Well, what are you doing?

Nothing.

And if I answer the door,
I'll be doing something.

Oh, my goodness!

Tah-dah.

What do you think?

Who was that, Louise?

It looked like Tom and Helen.
But you can't be too careful.

Careful about what?

It might really be them.

Louise.

Tom, Helen.
Come in, I'm sorry.

Oh.
Well, thank you, George.

You'll have to excuse Louise.
Why?

Well, somebody has to.

Oh, Mrs. Willis,
what a beautiful coat!

Oh, thank you, Florence.

Oh, I'll never have
anything like that.

Oh, Florence, I don't know.

Maybe a dead cat
will fall on you.

Never mind her,
Florence.

She's just jealous.

And why should I
be jealous?

If I had a sable coat,
at least I'd know
what to wear with it.

Well, what's wrong with
what she's wearing?

Look, she's got on
a sable coat,

a lizard belt,

and alligator shoes.

She's carrying around
more animals than Noah.

Except one.

The weasel.

Unless, of course,
I have a picture
of you in my wallet.

Uh, Helen, sweetheart.
I hate to admit it,

but maybe
for once in her life,
she's right.

Of course I'm right.

I am Louise Jefferson.

Queen of Fashion.

Oh, well, maybe I should
pick out some other
accessories.

Oh, come on, Tom.
You can help.
Yes, angel.

Why don't you start
with the zoo?

Well, how do I look?

Well Florence,
I can't get over it.

Even sable looks like
cat fur on you.

I think she looks great.

Oh. Thank you,
Mr. Jefferson.

What becomes
a legend most?

Well, in your case,
dearie,

a matching ski mask.

Weez!

Now get back in the kitchen
before you wind up on
unemployment.

Well, that's all right
with me, because I could
stand a raise.

What about the door?

No, you can keep that.

Oh, hello, Mrs. J.

Hello, Mr. Bentley.
What can we do for you?

Hello, Mr. J. I was
wondering if I might
borrow some acetone.

Acetone?

Yes. You see, I was gluing
my cricket bat together and
I had a bit of an accident.

Are you okay?

Oh, glad to hear it.

No, you don't understand.
I glued my finger
to my thumb.

Well, that could happen
to anybody. I'll get you
some acetone.

Oh, thank you, so much.
You know,
this incident reminds me

of something that happened
to my Great-Uncle Uriah.

He was forever building
model ships and planes,
you see.

And, he was very good
at it until one time

something happened while
he was working on a replica
of the H.M.S. Bounty,

that made him give up
model building permanently.

He glued his
fingers together?

Ah, no. He got a really
good whiff of the glue

and he spent
the rest of his life

thinking he was a very
valuable chest of drawers.

Where's Mr. Bentley?

He started talking
about his relatives
and came unglued.

Oh, well. I guess
he won't need this.

Go back to England!

I beg your pardon?

We gave at the office.

Are you the Louise Jefferson
who's running the Help Center
raffle?

What's it to you?

My name is Marie Husar.
I'm from the Better
Charities Bureau.

Better Charities Bureau?

Yes. You see,
we've had so many reports
of phony raffles

that we decided to come over
and make sure that yours
actually does exist.

Well, uh, thank goodness
for people like you.

I always suspected a lot
of charities were fraud.

Uh, I know a man who won
in Irish Sweepstake,

and he wasn't even Irish.

Mrs. Jefferson,
the real reason I'm here

is to make sure that the prize
listed on the raffle ticket
actually does exist.

Now, what is this warm
winter surprise vacation?

Uh...
Well, if I told you,

it wouldn't be
a surprise now,
would it?

Mrs. Jefferson,
I think I should tell you

that we have jailed
over people for fraud.

Jailed?

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
be careful!

You're sitting on
your sable coat!

Oh, this is not my coat.

It belongs to...

The Help Center!

This is the prize
for the raffle.

Really?
Of course!

It's warm!

It's winter!

And wearing it

makes every day
like a vacation.

Oh, Mrs. Jefferson,
it's a beautiful prize!

I'm just going to take it
into custody until
the winner is announced.

Oh, but...

And of course, I'll be there
to oversee the drawing.

But...

Can't be too careful.
Bye-bye.

But what am I going
to do about Helen?

Louise! The doorbell!

Oh, very good.
And the coffee table.
Magazine and the sofa.

Tomorrow we'll
work on numbers.

We're back.

I changed my belt,
but we couldn't decide
what pair of shoes...

Where's my fur coat?

Right where
you left it.

Hey, wait a minute.
That's not Helen's
fur coat.

What are you
talking about?

He's right, Louise.
That's a cloth coat
with a fur collar.

I know that.

But if Helen wants to call it
a fur coat, let her.

What did you do
with my coat?

I didn't do anything
with your coat!

And I don't like
these accusations.

Hi, Mrs. Jefferson. I forgot
to give you the receipt
for your sable coat.

It's such a wonderful prize
for the Help Center Raffle.

Maybe one of you
will get lucky
and win it.

All right. So that
was Helen's coat.

Well, she always gives
to the Help Center.

It's just that this year,
she happened to give
a little more.

My sable coat!

Oh, very good, Helen.

They say it pays
to give till it hurts.

Hurt?

You want hurt?

I'll give you hurt!

Come on, make my day.

Come on.

Listen, Helen, sweetheart.
Let's follow that woman.

Maybe we can get
your coat back.
Come on.

Oh. Can you believe
how selfish some
people are?

And where are you going?

With the Willis'.
Why?

For two reasons.
Number one, to help them
get their sable coat back,

and number two,

to get away from you!

Mmm-mmm. Wait a minute,
wait a minute,
wait a minute, child!

No, no, no, no.

You are not leaving me
here with this poor excuse
for a woman.

Well, big deal.

If you think that
leaving me alone
is going to upset me,

well, you're wrong.

Because I like it.

I like it! I like it!
I like it!

But I don't like it!
I don't like it!

I don't like it!
Weez, what's the matter?

I don't like being alone.

I like having friends
and being nice to them.
And being me.

Okay, okay.
That's great.

But if it means I have to
look at teapots

and basketball
while you play golf,

well, that's just what
I'm going to have to do!

Okay, look, Weez. Weez,
you might not have
to do that.

What?

Well, I've been doing
a lot thinking, you know.
And you're absolutely right.

I mean I have been unfair
to you, Bentley and Willis.

So I figured the best thing
to do is call Whittendale and
call off the whole golf game.

George, do you
really mean that?
Yeah.

And I can have lunch
with Kent Tobin!
Sure, Weez.

Oh, George!
Oh, I'd better
tell Florence.

And maybe she can arrange
to take Betty and me.

Oh, George, thanks.

Don't mention it, Weez.

Oh, hello, Mr. Whittendale.
Look, I'm just calling you
to tell you

I'm not the least bit upset
about you canceling
the golf date.

But I just want to
ask you one more thing.

When you get your
next big business deal,

would you consider me
as a partner?

Hello?