11x01 - Blood and Money

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh, I just can't thank you
all enough

for donating to the
Help Center's blood drive.

You don't know
how much it means to me.

Oh, no problem,
Ms. Jefferson,
I was happy to help out.

Oh, Louise,
it was our pleasure.

We could hardly
feel the needle at all.
Right, Helen?

Uh, Helen?

Oh, my arm.

My arm.
Oh, you poor baby.

Let me kiss it
and make it well.

Ouch!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Do you think
this will leave a scar?

Oh, Helen, of course not.

Just think of it as
a harmless mosquito bite.

Now that doesn't leave
a scar, does it?

It leaves a bump.

All right, then compare
it with having
your ears pierced.

Did that leave a scar?

It left a hole.

Okay.

Then I have this suggestion.

Grow up!

You're acting like a baby!

Oh, I know what
you need, sweetheart.

Something to bring
your blood sugar back up.

You'll feel better in no time.
Here.

That's a great idea, Tom.

Oh, I think we have some
donuts in the kitchen.

Florence?
Oh, I'd love some.

No. I meant I thought
that you would serve them.

Oh, I'd love to,
Ms. Jefferson.
But I'm just too weak.

Well, you did do me
the favor of donating
your blood,

so you rest a minute,
and I'll get the donuts.

Oh, Ms. Jefferson,
while you're at it,

would you mind running
the vacuum around?

I'm just so tired.
I mean,

they must have took
too much blood out of me.

Florence,
they only took a pint.

Your body replaces
it in hours.

Oh, thank goodness.

Well, in that case,
I'll be back on the job
at exactly

: tomorrow.

Now, Louise, allow me.

You've been working hard
at that blood drive all day.

Oh, thanks, Tom.

They're on the table.
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, the bread box
on the counter.
Mmm-hmm.

Or on top
of the refrigerator.

Or on the fourth shelf
in the cabinet next
to the sink.

Isn't that funny?
That's exactly
where we keep them.

How do I get this bandage off?

They must have put it on
with linoleum paste.

Oh, well let me help you.

You know the best way
to take off a bandage

is you lift up one side,
gently like this.

Holding it very carefully,

and then you just
yank it off!

Oh, Helen,
is something wrong?

Look, Louise,
I was glad to give blood,

but I just hadn't planned
on donating my skin.

So, Helen, I couldn't find
any jelly donuts.

But I'm sure when we
get back upstairs we'll find
some cookies or something.

Oh, well, thanks anyway
for the thought, dear.
It was nothing.

Oh, Tom, you have
something on your chin.
Mmm?

What is it, jelly?

There was only one left.

But that was
for my blood sugar.

Louise was right.
You are acting like a baby.

All right, enough you two.

According to my list here,

everyone we asked has donated.

All except one person.

What?

You mean somebody
promised to give and didn't?

Now who on earth
could be that selfish?

Hi, everybody.

Nothing like a good snooze
in the afternoon.

George, is that
what you've been doing?

Look, I want you to get down
to that hospital this minute
and donate blood.

I can't, Weez.
Whittendale dropped
a suit off down at the store.

And I gotta go down
and help supervise
the cleaning.

But this is the last day
of the drive.
I'm the chairwoman.

How will it look
if my own husband
doesn't participate?

About a pint short.

You mean a half-pint.

George, we all managed
to find time to donate blood.

All of you?
You mean to tell me they
even took blood from Florence?

Now that's frightening.

Someday somebody's
gonna wake up

with an urge
to burn pork chops
and not know why.

Well, you can joke
all you want, Mr. Jefferson,
but I feel great about today.

Oh. Get the door.

Not that great.

You know, all of a sudden
I have an urge
not to answer it.

I don't know why.

Oh, hi, Mr. Bentley.
Hi, Mrs. J

I was just on my way down
to the blood bank

when I suddenly realized
I don't have the vaguest idea
where I'm going.

Oh, well, come on in.
I'll get the address for you.

Have a seat.
Thank you. Hello, everybody.

ALL: Hello there, Bentley.

Hey, Bentley,
ain't you a little overdressed
for the blood bank?

Oh, not really, Mr. J.
You see after I donate,
I have a date with Phoebe.

I'm taking her to the movies
to see Captain Blood.

Sort of a theme evening,
you see?

Well, it might not be wise
to make plans
for tonight, Mr. Bentley.

You never can tell
how the loss of blood
is going to affect you.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I come from hearty stock.

My family's been giving blood
for generations.

As a matter of fact,
just last year,

my Great Aunt Pauline
was honored by the Red Cross.

Oh, you must be
very proud of her.
Oh, yes.

Unfortunately, the honor
had to be given
posthumously, you see.

Aunt Pauline d*ed immediately
after her last donation.

Oh, my. What was it?

A loss of blood?
No, a fish truck.

Hit her broadside
as she was leaving
the hospital.

Oh, I get squeamish
just thinking about it.
Tuna all over the place.

Oh, it's shocking.

Well, at least you have
some consolation in knowing

that her blood
went on to save lives.
Yes.

And not only her blood,
Mr. Willis.

You see, she had
one of those donor cards
in her purse.

Oh, they picked her clean.

Yes, her heart,
kidneys, liver.

When they buried Aunt Pauline,
the only organ at her funeral
was a Wurlitser.

You know, there are parts
of the dear old girl
living all over the world.

Just the other day,
I was walking down the street

and I could've sworn
I saw Aunt Pauline
in someone's eyes.

At least one of them.

Is anybody else
a little nauseous?

Mr. Bentley,
here's the address.
Oh.

And remember, it's not
at the Help Center,
it's way across town.

Oh, I don't mind, Mrs. J.
It's such a worthy cause.

Oh, I have an idea.

Why don't you
and George go together?

Then you both can donate.

I can't, Weezy.
I gotta clean
Whittendale's suit.

Maybe I can go after work.

All right, George,
here's the address.

And remember,
the place closes at o'clock.

Now either you be there,
or don't bother
coming back here.

Oh, Mr. J,
it sounds like
she's out for blood.

You get it? Out for blood.
Out for blood.

Well, my Aunt Pauline
would have laughed,

if she hadn't donated
her tongue.

Hi there, Mr. Jefferson, sir.

Just giving the door
its routine annual check-up.

Good thick wood.

Completely soundproof.

So, when are you going
to donate that blood?

I don't know, Ralph.

I got a lot of work
to do this afternoon.

And besides, the blood bank
closes at o'clock.

Wait a minute, Ralph,

you have no life, right?

Nothing to speak of, sir.

Well, why don't you
do me a favor?

Why don't you go down
and donate some blood for me?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but
that's one thing in the whole
world that I just couldn't do.

Just the sight of a needle
makes me sick.

My stomach gets queasy.
I start to shake.

Would bucks do?

They can drain me
with a hose, sir.

Okay, now, remember,
donate the blood in my name.

But, sir, they'll know
I'm not George Jefferson.

I mean,
I'm a couple of inches
taller than you.

They don't know me
there, Ralph.

Are you sure?

Yeah.
It's in an hospital
on the other side of town.

Oh.
Look, here's the address.

Whatever you do,
don't say nothing
about this to Weezy.

You can count on me, sir.

My veins may be open,
but my lips are sealed.

Oh, Weez, I'm having
a nervous breakdown.

Okay. Tell me
what you're breaking down
over this time.

That suit Whittendale
brought in yesterday,
I b*rned it.

How?

I don't know, Weezy.

I didn't do it on purpose.
It was just a little burn
on the lapel.

I didn't even think
he would notice it,
but he did.

He's been calling me all day
leaving messages
for me to call him.

So he found
a little burn on his lapel.
It's not that terrible.

What are you talking about,
Weezy? It's beyond terrible.
The suit was imported.

It cost $,
and was custom made.
And I ruined it.

Look, Weezy, the man
owns the building. We could be
out in the streets.

Okay, then we'll just have
to get some plastic slipcovers
for the furniture.

Come on, Weezy,
this is not funny.

Look, I know
how the man thinks.

He's never gonna
let me forget this.

As far as he's concerned,
I'm dirt.

Mr. Whittendale.
Jefferson, I love you.

Jefferson, I love you.
I could just hug you.

Of course, I won't.

But it's the thought
that counts.

Aren't you upset
about your suit?
Certainly not.

How could I be upset
after what you've done?

Good point.

What did I do?
Did you or did you not donate
some blood yesterday?

Blood?
Oh, yeah.

Well, do you know
where that blood is right now?

Not really.
We kind of lost touch.

At this very moment
your blood happens to be

coursing through
my wife's veins.

Oh, I don't understand.

Last night my wife,
Mrs. Whittendale,

was rushing to answer
the telephone.

And in her haste,
she tripped over a small,

but priceless, sculpture
of a Chinese elephant.

Oh, how terrible.

Well, actually,
it wasn't too bad.

Just a small cr*ck
in one of the tusks.

What about your wife?
What about my blood?

I'm getting to that.

As Mrs. Whittendale fell,
she grabbed the draperies
for support

and pulled a cast iron
curtain rod down on her head.

Oh my God!

What did you do?
I fainted.

Fortunately, our maid
was thinking on her feet

and called for an ambulance.

See that?
We can't even get Florence
to stand on her feet.

At the hospital, we learned
that Mrs. Whittendale
had a very rare blood type.

It seems there was only
one pint of compatible blood
in the entire city.

Imagine our surprise

when we found out
that the donor was you,
Jefferson.

Yeah, well, you know,
I feel really close
to Mrs. Whittendale now.

Can I call her
by her first name?
No.

But we are both
indebted to you.

Oh, oh, George,
isn't this wonderful?
You're a hero.

Come on, Weezy,
I'm not a hero.

All I did was save
the woman's life.

We realize that there
is no way to repay you
for what you've done.

But if you can think
of anything,

I mean,
anything at all,
you just tell me.

Jefferson,
the sky's the limit.

George, breathe!

The sky's the limit?

Oh, excuse me.

Hi, Mrs. Jefferson.
Thought I'd bring up the mail
and save you a trip.

Oh, thank you, Ralph.

Mr. Whittendale,
I didn't see you
come into the building.

Well, he did
and he's here, so get out.

How is Mrs. Whittendale?

Sir, I hope she enjoyed
that assorted nut selection
I sent to the hospital.

Hart, you can't expect me
to compare what Jefferson did
to a bag of airline peanuts.

And what I did
is not important.
Not important?

Well, I'll tell you
what he did.
Yes?

He did...
He did something so modest,

so insignificant,
so unimportant...
No...

...that it's not even worth
your ear time.
Bye, Ralph.

George, why wouldn't you
let me tell Ralph
what you did?

Because I can't stand people
worshiping me!

You know how I am about that.

Well, I, I don't wanna make
you feel uncomfortable,
so I'll just be going.

Not you, Mr. Whittendale.
You can make me feel
as uncomfortable as you want.

Okay?

Okay, what can I get for you?
A drink? Hors d'oeuvres?
Your checkbook?

Nothing right now.
I really must be getting
to the hospital.

Oh, don't you feel well?

My wife is there.

Oh.

Oh, uh, please,
give Mrs. Whittendale
our best wishes.

And tell her to give me
a call if she needs
a quick pick-me-up.

And you think
about what you want.

I'll drop by later
to discuss the details.

Remember, the sky's the limit.

Oh, George,
for heaven sakes.
I'm rich, Weezy, I'm rich.

Now don't get carried away.

Mr. Whittendale
was very generous to you.

Now you shouldn't take
advantage of that.

Weezy, I am surprised at you.

The man's wife is laying up
in the hospital.

What kind of low life
would take advantage of a man
in a situation like that?

Your own island, George?

What's wrong with an island?
It's just like a house.
Only wetter.

Well, can't you think
of something a little
more reasonable?

Oh, Weez, come on.
Okay.

How about
a Rolls Royce Silver Spur?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

What about a nice tie?

Or a new wallet.

Or... Yow!

That's the most beautiful car
I have ever seen.

And look, Weezy, it comes
with the color TV,
wet bar, mink carpeting.

Oh, you can't ask
Mr. Whittendale...

You think the mink carpeting
is standard or what?

Oh, look, we also get
a choice of a moon roof.

Oh, George,
this is ridiculous.

We can't ask for something
that costs so much money.

Trust me, Weez,
I won't even ask him.

I'll just casually slip it
into the conversation.

Mr. Rosendale.

Good evening.

I was on my way back
from the hospital
and thought I'd stop in.

Well, how is
Mrs. Whittendale doing?
Oh, splendid.

Splendid.

Thanks to your husband here.

Well, you know
what they say. A man's
blood is only as good

as the person
he dumps it into.

Well, Jefferson, have you
decided yet how I can
express my gratitude?

Well, actually,
Mr. Whittendale,

I haven't really given it
that much thought.

How about one of these?

A Rolls Royce Silver Spur?

Oh, I'm so embarrassed...

Well, if that's all you want,
it's yours.

Breathe, Weezy, breathe.

With the moon roof
and the mink carpeting?

With everything.

Money's no object.

After all, the blood
Jefferson donated
saved my wife's life.

Like I always say, Weez,
all you need
is a pint of blood

and a good generous heart
to pump it through.

What do you want?
We have to talk,
Mr. Jefferson, sir.

Look, I don't have time.
I'm busy.
It's rather important.

Look, if it's that important
it can wait, right?

Excuse me,
Mr. Whitten...

I happened to overhear
your conversation
with Mr. Whittendale,

and I have just
one thing to say.
What is it?

That's my Rolls!
Look, Ralph, come on.
Now don't get excited.

Oh, no, sir, no, sir.
One of your paltry gratuities
won't cut it now.

Look, Ralph,
don't be difficult. Okay?
Look.

That's my blood
in Mrs. Whittendale,
and that's my Rolls!

Look, well, I didn't want it,
he's forcing the car on me!

Oh, get off it, sir. How can
you take credit for something
that you didn't do?

That's low,
that's despicable.
That's my Rolls.

Will you stop saying that?

We could make out
a deal, right?

No!
Okay, okay,
I'll tell you what.

We'll split it -.
I'll drive it, you park it.

No!
Okay.

I'll use it for six months,
and you use it for six months.

That sounds more like it.
But I get it on weekends
and holidays.

But, but, but wait a minute.

Why am I making
a deal with you?

All I have to do
is go in there, tell
Mr. Whittendale the truth,

and then he'll know
it's mine.

Go ahead.
It's your word
against mine.

Who do you think
he's gonna believe?

But it's my blood.

But my name's on it.

Okay, -.

But every time
you get behind that wheel,
just remember one thing.

BOTH: That's my Rolls!

And I think we'll really
get a lot of use
out of this car phone.

Oh, hello, Ralph.
How nice to see you,
Mrs. Jefferson.

And God bless you,
Mr. Whittendale.

George, we are talking
about color.

Now I think this
two-tone metallic gray
is simply stunning.

Oh, it's
a perfect choice, Weez.

If it were mine, I'd get it
in white. Anybody with taste
prefers white.

Ralph, she's right.
The metallic gray is perfect.

Uh-huh.
Mr. Whittendale...

That metallic gray
looks terrible, Weez.

But I like the gray.

Are you gonna argue
with this man's taste?

Why don't I just write
the check out to you,
Jefferson?

You people can settle
these details later.

Good choice.
Be sure to include tax
and licensing.

Well, let's just round it off
to an even hundred thousand.

That's Jefferson with two F's.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

This charade has gone
far enough.
Ralph!

I can't let him do this
to you, Mr. Whittendale.
GEORGE: Ralph!

Jefferson is playing
you for a sucker.

He paid me $
to donate that blood
in his name.

It was me who saved
the life of your wife.
Not him. Me!

George, is this true?

He's delirious.

Look, he thinks he's a doctor
and everything.

Get out of here, Ralph.
You're fired.

You haven't got
the power, baby.

Jefferson, is he
telling the truth?

Well, I hate to speak
philosophical, sir,
but you see,

the truth as you know it,
the truth as I know it,
or the truth as...

George!
How could you?

I'll deal with you later,
Jefferson.

Hart, this check
is rightfully yours.

I know that, sir.

Get the door, Jefferson.
It's annoying me.

That's Ralph Hart.
H-A-R-T.

What can I do for you?
I'm looking
for George Jefferson.

I'm George Jefferson.

No, you're not.

Jefferson's a weasly
little guy
in a doorman's uniform.

Oh, hi, Mister Jefferson.

The man's obviously crocked.
I'll eject him forthwith.

I'm as sober as a skunk.

You promised to give me $
if I donated blood
in your name.

He's a lunatic.

Wait a minute.
You say this guy paid you $
to donate blood in his name?

No.
I said he promised
to pay me.

Where's my bucks?
Hart...

This is gonna mean
big things for you, son.

First we're gonna
clean you up,
get you a hot meal.

Then you and I
are going car shopping.

Car shopping? Great.

I slept under a car once.

Well, Jefferson, it's been
quite an interesting day.

First I was gonna write
you a check.

Now you are gonna
write me one.

Write you one, sir?
Yes.
For that suit you ruined.

$, should
about cover it.

And that's Whittendale
with two T's.

Well, Mr. Jefferson,
easy come, easy go, huh?

So, this charade is over.

You ain't got
the power, baby.

Get the door, Jefferson.
Oh, sir. Uh...

Have you ever read Sybil?

Allow me, sir.

I lost my car.

George, I can't believe
you paid someone
to donate blood

and then you took
the credit just to get
a reward.

I lost my car.

That's so low.

You know,
for a while there,
I was very proud of you.

I lost my car, Louise.
I thought

my husband's a hero.

He saved
someone's life.

You know,
for one minute there...
Louise...

What?
Put a sock in it.