11x08 - Try a Little Tenderness

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Okay, Louise, I think
the fastest and most efficient
way to do this

is for you to read
the donations

while I add them
on the machine.

Okay. Are you ready?

All right, , , ...

Hold it, hold it.
Something's wrong
with this machine.

It helps when you
turn it on.

So, that's what that's for.

Okay, ready when you are.

Twenty-five, fifteen, forty...

Two... Five...

Point... Zero... Zero...

Well, don't you want me
to add this up?

I'll do it.
Well...

Twenty five, thirty five...

Oh, hi, Mrs. Willis.
Hi, Florence.

Hi, Mrs. Jefferson.

Hmm, let's see.

Looks like you got
, dollars and cents.

How did you do that?

It's simple.
It's called addition.

You learn it
in the third grade.

Oh, this is hopeless.

We'll never get
that Childrens'
Arts Program funded.

Oh, that's a shame, Louise.

Because the arts are
such a worthwhile cause.

Well, Helen, my feeling is
that it could be anything.

The point is
to show those children
that someone cares.

Well, from the looks
of our donations,
not that many people do.

Let's see, we are still
almost $, short
of our goal.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Oh, I just remembered.

If it'll help any,

I got a donation
from my old boss,
Mr. Passavoy.

Oh, good.
Oh, he's very well-to-do.

Oh, bless his heart.
He's so kind,
so thoughtful...

Twenty dollars.

So cheap.

Well, I tried
to avoid it,

but I guess
I'll have to ask George.

Who knows?
Maybe he'll help us.

He does have
an appreciation for the arts.

Okay, okay...

I admit he doesn't
know much about art.

But there's one thing
you can bet the ranch on.

George loves children.

Those damn kids!

Well, so long, South Fork.

Something tells me
this is not the perfect time
to ask him, Louise.

Ask me what?

Oh, uh...

Nothing, George.
What's wrong?

A bunch of troublemakers
have been hassling customers
in front of my store.

I think they've been
trying to break in, too.

I found Jimmy marks
on the door.

I even caught one of 'em
with a can of spray paint
in his hand.

Luckily, I caught him
before he could
do any damage.

I'm still fast for my age.

So is the kid with the paint.

That settles it!

I'm gonna take care
of those kids
once and for all.

Okay...

Willis, will you get down
here as fast as you can.

This is an emergency.
Just hurry up, okay?

What? Weez.
What is it
you wanted to say?

Oh, it's okay.
We can talk later.

No. Look, if you've got
something to say, say it.

Well, no, this is
not the right time.

Hold it. Anytime
is the right time
for you, sweetheart.

Well, okay.
George, we need $,

for the new
Childrens' Arts Program.

Boy, does your timing stink!

Oh, we wouldn't be
coming to you, George, if
it weren't really important.

This program can change
these kids

into future Stravinskys,
Baryshnikovs, and Picassos.

Yeah, I'd like to change
the Picassos, all right.

Put both of their eyes
on one side of their nose.

What took you so long?

Sorry, George.
It's just that I've been
on this k*ller diet

and I figured
that since Helen
was out of the house

I could sneak...

Sweetheart!

You didn't touch my roast,
did you?

I like to be
very frank with you, dear.

Ever since Mike
the meat cutter,
sold it to us,

I've considered it
our roast.

I'd better go see
how much "we" left
for me.

Honey...

None!

Oh, Tom.

Oh, later for her.
Look, I've got
something for you.

I need you.
Mmm-hmm.

Uh... You and me
are gonna have
a stakeout.

Oh, great. I wonder
if I should go with

a baked potato
or cottage fries?

I'm not talking
about that kind.

I mean we're gonna
stake out my store downstairs.

A bunch of kids
have been trying
to break in.

What if it's not kids
at all?

What if it's some
dangerous criminal?

Look, Weez, I know
what you're saying

I should be
sending Florence.

But, no, this is a man's job.

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

That!

Hey, Willis...

Chip?

Willis, I ought to
take these chips and...

Shh...

You're not eating now, right?

I don't think so.

Shh. It's them!

Okay, Willis, here's the plan.
When they come in,

you grab 'em,
you disarm 'em,
sit on 'em.

I'll call the police.

What's the matter, George?

Lost your nerve?
Afraid to get in there
and mix it up a little?

Me?

No. No, wait. Don't sh**t!

Don't sh**t!

Here, it's a Rolex!

Freeze! It's the cops!

Tom, put your watch
back on.

What are you two
doing here?

We came down to see
if you were all right

and to talk you
out of this craziness.

Thank you for your interest.
Thank you for your concern.

And thank you
for leaving.

Well, then, if you
don't let us stay,

the next light
that goes out
will be yours.

All right! All right!
You can both stay
but just be quiet.

You won't even know
we're here.

GEORGE: Oh, shh!

Helen, I know this is scary.

But isn't it such fun?

Yes, I guess it is.

You know, I haven't
had a feeling like this
in my stomach

since the last time
we played Clue.

Oh, yeah.

That's when you guessed
Colonel Mustard

in the conservatory
with the candlestick.

No, no, no, no, no.

I guessed Mrs. Peacock
in the library
with the lead pipe.

It's gonna be George
in the dry cleaners
with a wire hanger

if you both don't shut up.

It's so dark and scary.

The kind of night
when spooky things happen.

It was a night
just like this.

Tom and I ran out of gas
on a deserted country road.

Oh, Helen, stop.
You're scaring me.

Go ahead.

Suddenly, on the window pane

we heard a tap, tap, tap.

We couldn't see outside.

The windows
were all steamed up.

My heart was pounding
in my chest

and my mouth went dry.

My blood went cold.

We prayed it was the wind,

but there it was again...

Tap, tap, tap.

The unmistakable sound
of a human hand,

knocking on the window.

Suddenly we realized...

We had forgotten
to lock the door.

And, suddenly,
without warning,

the door flew open!

And there he was...

Who?

The man from
the Auto Club.

Who did you think it was,
a monster or something?

It's them. Shh.

You mean the man
from the Auto Club?

No, you idiot.
The vandals. Shh.

But, why are they knocking?

Maybe it's a trick.

Or vandals
with good manners.

MAN: Pizza delivery.

Uh-huh. It's the old
lull-the-dry-cleaner

into-a-sense-of-security-
with-a-pizza ploy.

MAN: No. I've got a pizza
here for Mr. Willis.

Why, it must be
another Mr. Willis.

I would never... I mean...

MAN: All right, I'm leaving.

No. No, no, wait!

Wait. Don't leave!

TOM:
Stop, Mr. Pizza Man!

Ah! That's my pizza!

GEORGE:
Willis, what are you doing?
This is a stakeout.

What've you got
to say for yourself?

Ooh. Extra pepperoni.

You want me to put
that on the tab?
Please.

A tab?

You have a tab?

You'd rather I was
an alcoholic?

Tom Willis,
you have no will power.

You are the most
unbelievable, sneaky...

Chicago style?

Oh, it's good too.

Hey, this is great.
Sort of like
being in camp.

I'll say.

of beer on the wall

BOTH:

ALL: and pass it around

of beer on the wall

of beer on the wall

you take one down...

Weez! Look...

I asked you nicely
at bottles.

I pleaded with
you at bottles.

Now I'm begging you
at three bottles,

please, shut up!

But I only have
two beers left.

And I only have
two ears left, okay?

Hey, wake up, you two.
Oh! Oh! What's happening?

Nothing. You two conked out.

Oh...
So I'm giving you
a chance, here.

Either you can be
part of this action-packed
thriller of a stakeout

or you can just go upstairs
and go to bed.
Make up your mind.

BOTH: Good night, George.

It's just like you two
to quit because
the chips are down?

Oh, come on, George.
There no chips.

I know.
Thanks to your husband.

GEORGE:
Aw, who needs them
anyway, right Weez?

This is our store.
It's been that way
for years.

We can do it ourselves.

Right?

It's you for me,
and me for you.

And never
the twain shall part.

What are you
thinking, about?

Good night, George.

Wait, wait, wait, shh!
They're out there.

Here... Grab the end...

Grab the end of this.

Shh.

GEORGE:
Hah! Hey! Oh

BOY: What is this?

Okay, let me at 'em!

Careful, George.
There are two of them.

Okay, back up, you two.
I'm going to
call the cops.

And with any luck
they'll throw
you both in jail

and flush the key
down the East River.

Sounds like he had
his Wheaties today, huh?

Why you little...
Oh, you gonna
pick on the girl?

Come on. I'll take you on
and spot you the bat.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

Go ahead. Call the cops.
We ain't scared of 'em.

Okay. I'll call
your fathers, then.

Oh, good idea. Got a pen?
I'll write out the number
for you.

Mister, call anybody
you can think of.

My Aunt Alice
if you want.

Nobody's gonna
do anything. Or care.

Why, I'll...
George. George.

Look, George,
I have a better idea.

I don't know, Weez.
I think a baseball bat
makes a better impression.

No, I'm going to use
a tried and true method.

I know I can
teach these children

a lesson
that they'll never forget.

Look...

How would you like to
come upstairs to our apartment

for some brownies
and a glass of milk?

Brownies and milk?

Weezy, correct me
if I'm wrong,

but didn't
these two delinquents
just break into my store?

Well, now, let's be fair.

We haven't heard
their side of the story.

Well, we'll just let
the judge hear
their side of the story.

They're going to
reform school
where they belong.

That's no place
for a child.

That's why I invited them
up to our apartment.

Now, they just need
a little understanding,
that's all.

We're victims
of circumstance, sir.

Yeah.

If you wouldn't have
been here, we wouldn't
have got caught.

Hey, I got the understanding
right here.

Keep talking, lady.
I don't think
he's getting the point.

George, somebody
has to give them
some love.

Hello!
Somebody's gotta
teach 'em some discipline.

Goodbye!

They need love!
They need discipline!

They also need
something to eat.

What say we boogie on
upstairs and scarf

some of those munchies
you were talking about?

Oh, look, uh, children...

What are your names?

Me? I'm Pat Benatar.
This is my bud,
Bruce Springsteen.

Okay, Patty.
This is what I want
you and Brucie to do...

Weez. Don't fall for that.

It's obvious that
that is not there names.

They're just using
their friends names
to get them in trouble.

Well, I don't care
what your names are,

are you coming up
with us or not?

You mind if my friend and me
have a brief conference here
by the cash register?

Have it over there.
Away from the cash register.

What do you think?

I say we go with 'em.

We can scope out the joint
and rip 'em some time
when they ain't home.

She's a pushover.
The guy is obviously
a jerk.

Cool. Plus I'm really
up for a brownie.

Me too.

We're there.
If it's okay with
your old man, that is.

George?
No, it' cool.

You can bring
your two friends.

If I can bring
a friend of mine...

They call him Louis.

Short for
Louisville Slugger.

Well, here we are.

Now, you two
just make yourselves at home.

Okay. Randy,
you turn down the heat,

and I'll put a hole
in the picture window.

Where do you keep
your rats, lady?

We didn't have any rats
before you two got here.

George.

Now, kids before I fix you
your brownies,

we have one rule
in this house.

You must wash your hands.

Two rules.
You must wash your hands,
and don't steal anything.

The bathroom
is right over there.

Gee, Mr. Jefferson,
are you sure you
trust us in there?

No. But the toilet's
bolted down.

George, what is
the matter with you?

Now you have to
show them a little trust.

Trust. Weez, what are you
talking about.

You can't teach an old dog
new tricks.

They're not old dogs.
They're nothing
but young pups.

Oh, yeah.
Well, paper training
is tough.

George, this is
a chance for me

to put all of my training
from the Help Center
to good use.

Now I know I can
find some good
in those kids.

Okay, Weez,
I'll tell you what.

If you find goodness
in those two

I will give you a check
for the Childrens'
Arts program.

Deal.

All done! All clean!

Yeah. Wanna check?
Uh, no, that's okay.

Yeah. I want to check.
Okay. Up against the wall.

Assume position.

Don't mind my husband.

That's just
his way of saying
welcome to our home.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Willis.
Look, get down here
as fast as you can.

And bring your camera.
Right.

What? Of course
you got a pain
in your stomach.

You ate nine pieces
of that pizza.

You see, I'm used to
dealing with young folks
like you.

I've worked for
the Help Center
for years,

and I've learned to
speak your language.

That's far-out.

Oh well, not by bus.

The one-twelve
gets me there
in minutes flat.

Aw. You are hungry,
aren't you?

BOTH: Mmm-hmm!
Oh, and...

...I guess you broke
into my husband's store

because you needed money
to buy food, didn't you?

BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

Oh, and probably your parents
are never home
to cook for you.

Is that right?
BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

And when you get
right down to it,

I'll bet no one
ever found the time

to show you that
they really cared about you.

Am I right?
BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

Well, I care.

How do you feel now?

A lot better, huh?
BOTH: Mmm-hmm.

Know why?
BOTH: Mmm-mmm.

Because this is
the first time

anyone ever
really listened to you.

This is communication.

Get in here, Willis.
Here's my camera, George.

All loaded
and ready to go.
What's up?

We finally caught those
kids that tried to break
into the store.

What did you do?

I let Weez handle them.

Did she give 'em hell?
I'll say.

She's in the kitchen
right now feeding 'em
some of Florence's brownies.

What?

I'll explain later.
Oh...

Yeah. I just set
some bait out

so I'm planning
on catching me
a couple of rats.

Oh... Oh, I see.

Say, Louise should be
more careful
with her jewelry.

Somebody could steal this.

Give me that!
That's part of the bait.

What are the pictures for?

When the rats bite,
I'll have the pictures
as proof.

Now, correct me
if I'm wrong, George,

but isn't that entrapment?

Yep.

Can I help?
Yeah.

Tell me what to do.
Get out.

You bet. Oh...

Oh!

Oh, Weez, I'm glad
you're out of the kitchen.

Let's go into the kitchen.

I want you to make
me some coffee.

Would you mind
making it yourself, George.

I want to stay here
with the kids.

No, I like the way
you make it.

With the water
and the grounds
and everything.

I'll be right back.
You two uh...
Get to know each other.

Oh, George,

I really think
I've gotten through
to those two.

Yeah, I know
what you mean, Weez.

I always felt that
if somebody had given

Jack the Ripper
some brownies,

all those English girls
would be alive today.

Randy. Check this out!

And there's some cash
over there on the desk.
Merry Christmas!

Stevie, cool it.
That lady's
been nice to us.

Not as nice as
her old man's been to her.

How do you want
your coffee, George?

Hot.

Of course it will be hot.

GEORGE: Hotter.

Then what?

Boiling.

You'll burn yourself.

Randy! Real pearls, man.

Don't touch it, okay?

Didn't you ever think
that Mr. Clean-Jeans

might've laid all this stuff
out on purpose

just so he could
bust you with it?

That's a good point,
Rand, my man.

GEORGE: Cold.

Colder.

Antarctica.
What are you doing?

GEORGE: Shh...

She picked up something!

All right. Hold it, you!

George, you're
being ridiculous.

Oh, yeah?
If I'm being ridiculous,
what do you call this?

Huh?
That's a brownie.

Well, where's
my wife's bracelet?

I don't have it.
Don't look at me.

Okay, that's there...
That's okay.

This is here...
That's okay...

What is all my jewelry
doing in the living room?

I laid it out here, Weez.

And these two suckers
didn't have the decency
to pick anything up.

George, that's the most
reprehensible thing

that you've ever, ever done.

I don't believe this.
Everything's still here.

Of course it is.

And I think you owe
these two young people
an apology.

No, I don't owe them
no apology!

They broke into my store!

George, that's history.
They didn't know us then.

They didn't know
any better. Now they do.

Yeah, tell him,
Mrs. Jefferson.

Baloney!
You were crooks then
and you're crooks now.

Oh, yeah. Then how come
we didn't rip off

all this stuff
you laid out for us?

You're little test here.

I don't know.

Forget it, Mr. Jefferson.

Let's go, Stevie.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

George, say something.

But, Weez...
What am I gonna say.

Come on.

Okay. Wait a minute.

Look...

It really wasn't
right for me to
set you up like this.

In fact,
when I was your age,

I probably
wouldn't have passed
a test like that myself.

Okay?

It's okay.

Okay, okay. Knock it off.

Well, goodbye
and thanks again,
Mrs. Jefferson.

Goodbye, dears.

Well, Weez, you were right
and I was wrong. For once.

Then you won't mind
giving me the money for
the Help Center Program?

Yeah, you earned it.

All right, all right,
all right!

What's goin' on?

I grabbed the dude's wallet!

What'd you think
that hug was? Love?

Come on, Stevie.
You gotta give that back.

No way man.
Two hundred bucks
and some credit cards.

Did the brownies and milk
go to your head?

Give me that!
No!

Here you go, Louise.
Two thousand clams.

What's that?

Hey, what are
you two doing?

STEVIE:
Get in! Come on, man!

RANDY:
Give me that wallet!

Choke on it.

That's my wallet.

That little girl
picked my wallet.

I don't believe this.

Hey, what are you doing?

You were right, George.
Those kids can't be saved.

What are you talking about?

Well, they break
into your store,

you treat them nicely.

And then they
steal your wallet.

Yeah, you're right, Weez.

One of them
stole the wallet.

But the other one
gave it back.

Yeah, you're right.

I know I'm right.

Louise. I mean,
let's face it.

You can't
help all of 'em.

This check is just for
the ones that you can.

Oh, thank you, George.