11x09 - You'll Never Get Rich

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh, come on, don't be
looking at me with those
big, sad piggy eyes.

You've lived
a long, full life.

Well, long anyway.

If that's the police,
I plead involuntary
pig-slaughter.

I was just passing by when
I heard the unmistakable sound

of a piggy bank being smashed.

Can I call them or what?

Now, how could you tell?

The same way a mother
can hear her own
baby cry in a crowd.

It's one of
nature's mysteries.

Ralph, I need $.

Well, here's some good news.

You're five buttons
and a paper clip
closer to your goal.

Why do you need it?

Well, my godson's getting
his bachelor's degree down
in Charleston next week.

He'll be the first college
graduate in the family,

and it looks like I'll be
the only one not there.

Ah, have you asked
Mr. Jefferson for help?

I couldn't do that, he'd
never let me pay him back.

Oh, so we're proud, too.

This could be trouble.

What about a bank loan?

With what as collateral?

Right.

Can you help me?

Well, let me see.
Easy money, easy money.

You don't have the stomach
for armed robbery.

You don't have the cunning
for an insurance scam.

And you certainly
don't have the time to
run for elected office.

You can stop helping me.

Wait a minute! Aren't
we missing the obvious?

Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson
are going to Atlantic City
this weekend.

Yeah, she did ask me to go
with them, but I said no.

I am not a gambler.

You're not a gambler?

Do you play church bingo?
Yeah.

Have you ever entered
one of those publisher's
sweepstakes?

Yeah.

Do you live under the same
roof with Mr. Jefferson?
Yeah.

You're a gambler.

Well, I guess I could
go and take $ with me.

That's the spirit, that's
the spirit. Always put a
limit on yourself.

Limit? That ain't no limit.
That's my life savings.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson.

My favorite tenants.

Ralph.

Ma'am, sir.

Hi, Ralph.

Thank you, sir.
And have a happy.

Yeah, you too.

Hey! He didn't do anything.

Wait a minute,
Ralph, get back here!

What'd I tip him for?

Ralph. Ralph.

Let go of this door!

You owe me, Ralph.
You owe me!

What were you talking
to Ralph about?

Oh, about going
to Atlantic City.
Is the offer still open?

Wait a minute. What offer?

Oh, we'd love to have
you go with us.

Right, George?
What offer?

George, I told you...

No way! I don't care
what the two of you say.

The two of you can beg, you
can get down on your knees,

and plead until your
throats go hoarse.

But the woman is not going
to Atlantic City with us.

We ain't taking you
to London next year.

WOMAN OVER PA: Will Mr.
Englebert Humperdinck

please pick up the
white courtesy telephone?

Mr. Englebert Humperdinck.

Englebert Humperdinck?
Did you hear that, George?

I've got to get
to that phone.

I'm not going home
without seeing a star.

Well, I guess that just
leaves you and me, huh?

You're half right.

Uh, excuse me, miss?

Uh, but do you happen to
know where I would find
the white courtesy phone?

You walk that
way, past the slot machinery.

Turn left where
the table is craps.

You play cool.
Don't pay attention.

Then walk straight ahead
through the blackjack until
you cannot go any farther.

And that's where
I'll find the phone?

No, the front desk.

But maybe they
know where is the phone.

I see. Well, thank
you, miss. I'll find it.

You see, I was hoping
to spot a star.

What am I, chopped liver?

Chips, please.

Big ones.

Chips, please.
Big ones.

This is my whole
life savings?

No, that is.

You owe me this
one for the room.

Just kidding.
Knock yourself out, Florence.

Okay, back up the Brinks truck
and dump the money right here!

Hey, honey, how about
drinks for all my friends?

I'm buying.
The drinks are free.

I know.
All right, all right.

What's the point?

The point is eight.

And we have a five.

sh**t, this game looks too
complicated. I'm gonna find
something easier.

Hey, how do you like that?

I haven't even touched
the dice yet, and I'm
a winner already!

Let's play, let's play!

Uh, excuse me, miss?

Yes? Can I help you?

Oh, I'm looking for
Englebert Humperdinck.

Was he just on one
of these phones?

Yes. And so am I.

Oh, well,
forgive me. Uh...

In which direction did he go?

Oh, ma'am, I'm sorry.
I didn't notice.

Oh, uh. Beg your pardon.

You see, I'm from New York,

and I want to see a
celebrity while I'm here.

If you should
happen to see one,

will you tell them
I'm right over there?

Thank you.

Hello, uh, no, it was
just somebody asking
for my autograph.

CROUPIER: Seventeen, black.

You got all that for
one little chip?

The odds are -to- if
your number comes up.

Well, that sounds easy.

Except the part about
picking the right number.

I've been playing the
same number for years.

It's my son's birthday.

Oh, I get it.

Uh, .

That's my mother's birthday.

Uh, uh, wait!

Um, . That's my
father's birthday.

Uh, wait, wait...

On second thought, April sixth
is Billy Dee's birthday.

Excuse me.

Uh, hold it.

I better play it safe.

, that's Christmas.

I'm betting on your birthday.

Now, you be lucky for me.
You get me to my godson's
graduation, okay?

, red.

We won, we won, oh!

Okay. Give me my money.

Sorry, lady. You gotta leave
your chips on the table if
you expect to get paid.

What kind of dumb
rule is that?

Rules of the house.

Just out of curiosity, how
much money would I have won?

$.

$!

Well, all I needed was $.

Now, I know these
chips was down here
long enough for $.

Sorry, lady.
That's not fair!

You saw my chip on .
You give me my money.

I'm not leaving without it.

Oh!

Yeah, pretty big guards.

They barred me from
the roulette wheel.

I guess I was winning
too much money.

Ah! Honey, the contractions
are two minutes apart.

We've still got time!

My turn is coming.

My turn is coming.

Mister, your kid's
turn is coming.

Your wife's having a baby!

What do you want me
to do? I'm not a doctor.

Well, listen, I'm not
a gardener either,

but if you don't get her out
of here, I'm gonna plant this.

Make it quick, huh?
I know that thing's
about to hit.

Hey, you forgot your...

SLOT MACHINE: Drop it in,
you just might win.

Who said that?

The more you bet,
the more you get.

You talking to me?

Plug the slot, win the pot.

Better luck
next time, sucker.

sh**t, I ain't got
but one nickel left.

Drop it in, you
just might win.

Don't start in on me again.

Oh, hey, don't waste
your time, mister.

He talks big but
he don't pay nothing.

Ha, ha, whoo!

That's my machine! I was
just gonna put my nickel in.
Ask it!

Hey, what are you doing?

That's my money,
and I'm not leaving
till you give it to me!

Back injury. Those are
my physical therapists.

Uh, thanks, fellas.

Twenty wins.

Now this is a game
I'm sure I could play.

sh**t, I can
afford five dollars.

Insurance?

Mmm-hmm. I got Blue Cross.

Card?

sh**t. I knew I could
play this game. !

Can't hardly do
better than that.

Soft , house draws.

Five up, that's .

Well, I only lost by one.

I'll get her next time.

This is fun, huh?

Uh, excuse me, miss.
May I have my change?

Sorry, ma'am. You put
your chips in the circle.
That's your wager.

But the sign
says five dollars.

Yeah, five dollar minimum.
You bet .

Hey, I'm not rich!
I wanted to bet five dollars.

Hey, I want my change,

I'm not leaving till
you give it to me.

You fellas know if I can
deduct this mileage from
my income tax?

Miss Jefferson.
Miss Jefferson!

Hi, Florence.

It's me!
It's me, Spinks!

Come on, it's me, Frazier.
And you know it.

Lady, can you help me,
uh, straighten out this
matter here?

Which one of us has
the prettier smile?

Well, listen, fellas.
You're both really cute.

But I don't have
time for this now.

You see, I'm looking
for somebody famous.

Well, Frazier, I'm
more famous than you.

Spinks, I'm more
famous than you.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Prove it!

Great little town you got
here, maybe I'll buy it.

Thanks again, fellas.

Boy, my feet were k*lling me.

Hey, Florence, if you button
your lip and I'll let you stay
and watch me rake it in.

I'd thank you, but I'd
have to unbutton my lip.

Ha-ha. passes without a...

Craps!

Get lost. You're a jinx.

But where am I going?
I don't have any more money.

Go upstairs and take a nap.

It's cheap and
you're good at it.

Mr. Jefferson? Please?

Oh, poor pathetic thing.
Here. Here's .

Now get out of here with
your bad luck self.

Thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

It was nothing.

sh**t. I'm cashing you
babies in and going home
with the I came with.

Do you think my winnings
will fit in this?

How in the world did you
ever win that much money?

Oh, ancient Chinese secret,
handed down by my ancestors.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome, Mr...

Lee.

Mr. Lee. Do you think
your ancestors would mind

if you told me their
ancient Chinese secret?

Oh, why should they care?
They're all dead.

But you know I'm not Chinese?

I'll keep your secret,
if you keep mine.

The system is simple.

Tell me, tell me.

Find the man who has
mouth as big as a fish,

and breathes air as
hot as a dragon.

Then play as he does not.

Wow!

Can you translate
that into American?

Find the jerk with the loudest
mouth and bet against him.

It's that easy?

Was Confucius left-handed?

Now that's what
I call a system.

Let's see, now all I
have to do is find
the biggest loudmouth.

GEORGE:
Seven again!

I'm lucky and good-looking!

Bingo.

GEORGE:
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
All right, all right.

Thought you was
taking a nap.

I want to try this table.

You can't sleep here.
We're playing.

I want to play this table.

Oh, I understand.
You want to win, huh?

Okay, just bet
on what I bet on.

What you betting on?

Can't you read? "Pass."

That's what your blind dates
do when you open the door.

Well, I'm betting "don't
pass", as in your education.

Kiss your last goodbye.

Three. Craps.

I won! Hey, this
sure beats working.

How would you know?

Look, Florence. Why don't
you cash in that $

and call it quits before
you're broke and crying again?

I haven't reached my goal yet.

Besides I'm just getting
the hang of the game.

What you betting?

"Pass."

"Don't pass" for me.

. Craps.

God. It's amazing how
sweet that word can sound.

Oh, my gosh!

Isn't that Laurence Olivier?

Excuse me, I've always
enjoyed your work.

Why, thank you,
Mrs. Jefferson.

Ralph! What are
you doing here?

Splitting eights, yourself?

But you didn't tell
us you were coming.

Well, I wasn't planning
on it, but after talking to
Florence, I got the fever.

Excuse me, sir.
Are you playing
this hand?

I don't see why not.
What do you think
I ought to bet this time?

Well, how about the minimum?

You've been betting that
for the last two hours.

Good idea.

That's why it's
smart to tip 'em.

Occasionally they help
you out like that.

I see.

So, Ralph, are
you winning or losing?

Oh, just about breaking even.

I'm getting ready to quit.

I have to catch my
pal Dino's act.

He goes on in half an hour.

You know Dean Martin?

Dean Martin? I was talking
about Dino Capparelli.

He's working a bar mitzvah
in the Apollo Room.

He'll sing a duet with his
son, Dean Paul Capparelli.

Well, excuse me
for acting excited,

but I thought you
might introduce me
to a real celebrity.

Oh, you want to meet
a real celebrity?

I ought to introduce
you to Ol' Blue Eyes.

You mean...

That's right. Sven Larsen.

He does an up-close magic
act in the hotel next door.

Well, I guess if I want
to see a star I'll have
to find one on my own.

See you later, Ralph.

Hold it, Mrs. Jefferson.

I am playing tennis with
Phyllis Diller tomorrow.

Oh, sure. Who's she?

The lion tamer at
the Crystal Palace?

So long, Ralph.

Hey, Ralph, there you are.

Listen, I've asked Englebert
and Charo to join us

for doubles in the morning,
is that all right?

Okay with me. Just
tell them to bring money.

How're the kids?

Uh, rotten.

Hot dog!

That's enough, Florence.
Maybe you ought to be
happy with that.

I am happy with it.

And I'll be happier
when I win again.

What you betting?

$ on "pass."

"Don't pass" for me.

Come on.

Six is the point.

The point of what?

If I get six, I win.
If I get seven, I lose.

Seven out. Line away.
Sorry, sir.

I guess they just don't
like your breath.

Nate, ever since I hired
you as my publicist,

my popularity is skyrocketing.

I feel people know who
I am wherever I go.

Excuse me?

See what I mean?

What can I do for
you, sweetheart?

I wonder if you
can help me out.

You see, I came all the
way to Atlantic City
hoping to see a celebrity.

Well, when I heard Englebert
Humperdinck was in the casino,

I thought I was going to die.

So I was wondering if you...

Oh, never mind. I think
I see him over there.

Nate...

You're fired.

Everybody's waiting, Florence.

Roll 'em or pass 'em
to the next guy.

What you betting?

With you rolling?

$ on "don't pass."

"Pass" for me.

Come on, baby! Mama needs
a new pair of shoes.

Mama don't really, but
I saw that in a movie once.

ALL: Roll!

Eleven! She's a winner!

Whoo!

Ha-cha-cha! I'm not only
rich and good-looking,

I am incredibly rich
and good-looking!

All right, everybody
who wants to win,

climb on board the
Florence Johnston Express!

All you other suckers are
gonna be left at the station.

Whoo-whoo!

Looks like you're
winning, Florence.

Winning? Child,
I am wiping 'em out!

Uh, you're crowding
the roller, honey.

Here, dear, go play
yourself some Keno.

I think it's time to
leave the table.

We have dinner reservations
in the Cascade Room.

sh**t. Stick
around, honey.

In a few minutes, I'm
gonna own the Cascade Room.

Come on, Florence.

Now, you can put all
this money in the bank
when we get home.

Honey, you are holding
on to my throwing arm.

Florence, George! If you
two don't come with me,
I'm not leaving here.

Ned, Rick.

Hard eight for my girl Weezy!

MAN: All right! A hard eight.

What's the matter,
Mr. Jefferson?

I'm throwing in the towel.
I'm going to have dinner
with Weezy.

You mean you still got
an appetite after all
my rolls you ate?

Here, sport! Dinner's on me.

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Lee, you're late.

The fish-mouthed
fire-breather just
went to dinner.

What are you betting?

I'm betting "pass."

Everything on "don't pass."

You're making a mistake, Lee.

I am going to my
godson's graduation,

and then I'm going on a
trip around the world.

Pack up the town, boys.
I'm going for broke!

It's okay, Florence.
You've been broke before.

Yeah. I'm the one
that should be crying.

Florence was broke when
we went to Atlantic City.

I used to be
a wealthy man.

I just don't know
what happened to me.

For the first time in
my life I get big money,
and I had to get greedy.

Well, I guess I just thought
I could keep winning forever.

Maybe winning just
ain't your thing.

George!

No, he's right,
Mrs. Jefferson.

I'm just sorry my godson
has to pay for my mistake.

If only I'd stopped at
$, I could have gone
to his graduation.

Florence, is that what
this is all about?

Your godson's graduation?

Well, why didn't you
come to us for the $?

Because you might've
given it to me.

I've got to stop
leaning on you two.

What? Come on, Florence.
Don't be ridiculous.

I'd never give you $.

Here's $.

But you just said you'd...

I wouldn't.
This is your money.

Remember when you flipped
me that chip and told me
to go have dinner?

Well, it was for
five big ones.

I had so much money
I was throwing around $?

That's the danger of a
place like Atlantic City.

It's fantasy land,
and sometimes you
lose your bearings.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I'm going to my room.

Where's my room?

This way.

You know, it is amazing.

She tossed you $
like it was five dollars.

It was five dollars, Weez.

Oh, George, you mean you...

I know. I'm rich,
good-looking and a saint.