11x10 - The Unnatural

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Oh, child, you don't
need no water.
You need a priest.

Hey, Weez. Weez.

Yo, Weez.

Oh, man. I wish I had
somebody better
to tell this to.

Anyway, Florence,
you are looking at
a man who made

the smartest decision
of his whole life.

And you're looking at
a woman who couldn't
care less.

Hey, Weez, guess
what I just bought.
What?

I'll give you
a hint. Okay.

What is the one thing
we don't have the best of?

And it's not our maid.

Well, I don't know, George.
It could be a lot of things.

Okay, I'll give you
a hint. Okay.

It's cold, it doesn't move
and it's made out of stone.

And it's not our maid.

George, do me
a favor and just
spit it out.

I bought a statue.

A statue.

What kind of statue?

One that you'll love.
Here, sit down,
I'll tell you about it, okay?

Now close your eyes,

and picture
a magnificent work of art.

George, will you just
tell me what it is?

Okay, it's called
The Self-Made Man.

Can you think of anything that
better captures my essence?

Dirty clothes.

True. But I'm talking about
in the world of art.

That's probably them now.
The gallery said they'd
deliver it tonight.

Oh, no, no.
Let me get this.
This I gotta see.

You got taken.

The Willises have had
one of these for years.

What's with her?

She's disappointed because
you're not a work of art.

Gee whiz. Doesn't personality
count for anything anymore?

What do you want, Willis?

I want you to try
to guess what's in
my pocket.

Okay. Two chocolate
candy bars and
a pack of M&Ms.

Besides that.
I don't know.

Two tickets to the big
Yankees-Angels game
tonight at Yankee Stadium.

They're fantastic seats.

Fantastic seats?
These are way out in
the right field bleachers.

You can't even see
home plate from there.

Yes, but you can
practically reach out and
touch the hot dog stand.

And besides, it's always
exciting to be at the stadium
when Reggie Jackson's in town.

Reggie!
Reggie! Reggie!

Of course he knows
that name. It used to
be a candy bar.

But I also know that
Ron Guidry is pitching
for the Yankees tonight.

So?
So?

Well, haven't you read
about the big rivalry
between those two?

Why when they
played in Anaheim,

Guidry brushed him
back three times
in the same game.

Oh, boy, was
Reggie mad.

Yeah, that sounds
exciting, but I can't go.

I'm expecting
a delivery.

You know, they can send
a man to the moon,

but they can't deliver
a statue across town.

I don't think he appreciates
how tough it is to
come by those tickets.

The subway ride
out to the stadium,

and then fighting the crowd
to the ticket window,

only to have it slammed
shut in your face.

And then being laughed at
by three lowlife scalpers.

Then having to
give in to them and
pay their price.

Oh, Tom,
that sounds awful.

Oh, it must've been.
Helen swore she'd
never do it again.

Their truck broke down.
They can't deliver The
Self-Made Mantill tomorrow.

Too bad it's not a
self-delivering man.

Well, now let's look
at the bright side.

After all, you're
holding on to two
tickets for the game.

Hey, that's right.
Thanks, Willis.

Hey, Weez,
what do you say you and me
take in the game?

Just one moment.
Those are my tickets.

What kind of a friend
do you think I am?

I'm gonna pay
you for 'em.

George, you go with Tom.

You'll have a good time,
and it'll take your mind
off your statue for a while.

Well, it is a nice night.

And it should be a great game
with this Jackson-Guidry
rivalry and everything.

And I love the green field
and the peanuts and
the beer and everything.

George, aren't you
forgetting about spending
an evening with a great guy?

Yeah, I'd like to but
they're your tickets.

Let's take our gloves.

No need. That's the
beauty of holding a couple
of warm hot dogs.

Your hands
never get cold.

I'm talking about our
baseball gloves.

I got mine.
What for?

What do you mean what for?
Suppose somebody
cracks a line drive

dead at your skull?
What would you do?

Well, now let me think.

I think that if a situation
like that comes up

I'd have to sit back
and assess it
when it happens.

A line drive, huh?

I'd probably duck.

Mmm-hmm.
Well, lucky for you you've
got me there to protect you.

If anything comes
in our direction I'll just
reach out and snag it.

You know, when I used to
play sandlot ball,

I had the stickiest
fingers on the team.

In fact, you know what
my nickname was back then?

Georgie?
No. Sticky Fingers.

I set all kinds of
defensive records.

In fact, I caught
everything within reach.

I even caught things
that weren't even
in my reach.

Well, that doesn't
make any sense.

Neither do your eating habits,
but do I question those?

No.

I think the Yankees
are going to win.

What makes
you say that?

It's obvious.
They've got much
nicer uniforms.

Mrs. Jefferson,
don't you know nothing
about baseball?

It ain't the uniform
that makes the winner.

It's what's in the uniform.

And the Angels
are much cuter.

SPORTSCASTER ON TV: Ladies and
gentlemen, we couldn't have

asked for a more
dramatic confrontation.

Up to the plate walks
Reggie, w*r club in hand,

to face his nemesis
Shane Rawley with,
that's right, everybody,

the bases jammed.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

Yeah, let's turn to my
soap for a minute.

You all remember how Rawley
threw at Reggie when these two
teams tangled in California.

Well, this is the
first time they've faced
each other since then.

Wait a minute,
look at this!

Reggie's calling his sh*t.

He's pointing to the
bleachers with his bat,
just like Babe Ruth.

The stadium is on
the edge of its seat.

Well, I've seen enough.

Reggie's digging in.

This is really something,
ladies and gentlemen!

A called-sh*t grand slam.
Can he deliver?

Rawley goes into his wind.
Here comes the pitch.

That's pretty well hit!
It's going, going!

I got it! I got it!

That's George!

It's gone!

And do you believe it?
That fan dropped it!

And he's got a glove!

Oh, no!

Here, George.
Eat this.

I can't, Weezy.
I'm not hungry.

Now, look, George.
You've got to get
over this.

Everybody drops one
once in a while.

Weez, my hands
were right there.

I had my eye on the
ball all the time.

And then...
I don't know what happened.

Oh, but I do.
You made an awkward lunge,
closed your eyes,

and missed the ball.

It was perfectly
clear on TV.

Weez, "I don't know
what happened," is just
a figure of speech, okay?

I'm miserable enough.

Look, George,
it's not so bad.

Not so bad?
The whole country saw it!

No, not the whole country.

Just the people
who were watching
The Game of the Week.

Look, Weez,
you're a woman.

You have no idea
what this is like, okay?

Okay, for instance,
what woman do you admire
most in the whole world?

Uh, Queen Elizabeth?

Okay. It's as if she
hit a grand slam
and you dropped it.

Mr. Jefferson,
look what I found out
by the trash chute.

I know.
I threw that thing away.

But I found it by
the trash chute.

What'd you do,
drop that too?

Get that for me, Weez.
I don't want to see nobody.

Besides, I might
drop the door.

All right, George.
This time.

But sooner or later you're
going to have to forget
about that fly ball business

and get on with your life.

Hello, Mrs. Jefferson.
Is he in?

Yes, Ralph. He is.

Good. I figured he could
use a friend about now.

Better me than
the bottle.

Although I have taken the
liberty of bringing up a flask
in case I don't get through.

George, look who's here.

Hey, Ralph.

Uh, well, uh, before
I leave you two alone,

I just thought
of something.

Uh, George, this may
not be the best
time to mention this,

but do you remember
our wedding ceremony?

When the minister
told you to slip the
ring on my finger?

Well you dropped that, too.

And everything turned
out all right, didn't it?

I'll go now.

Bad day at the ball
park, eh, sir?

Oh, you saw
the game too, huh?

No, I didn't.
I was working.

Oh, what a relief.

I caught it
on the news.

Pardon me.
I saw it on the news.

It was on the news?

Oh, you know
the press, sir.

They prey on
tragedies like this.

But may I say here
and now, I categorically
disagree with that fan

who called you
Hands of Stone.

And I think it was
pretty cheap of
that announcer saying,

"Any three-year-old
could've caught it."

But neither of those was
as contemptible as that guy
from The New York World

calling you,
Old Toaster Glove.

I guess he was just
referring to the way
the ball just sort of

popped out of there.

Why are you here, Ralph?
Yes, sir.

I knew you wouldn't
want to be seen down
in the lobby,

so I thoughtfully brought
up your newspaper for you.

Thanks.

You got it, sir?

Well, sir,

you know there is
some solace that you can
take from all of this.

Oh, sure you were
the laughing stock of
the network news last night,

and the wire services
are having their little fun

with your photograph today.

But it's not that bad
because you're still

just a nameless
face in the crowd.

See what I mean, sir?
Nobody knows your name.

They do now, Ralph.

Look at this add that
Cunningham Cleaners
is running.

"Would you trust
your delicates to
George Jefferson's hands?"

The Self-Made Man,huh?

Where's the rest of him?

LOUISE: I don't know. I guess
he didn't finish himself.

Oh, George, good news!

Your statue is here!
You should come out
and see it.

He should come out
and smash it.

You go ahead and
enjoy it, Weez.

I don't belong in the same
room with The Self-Made Man.

Oh, Florence,
I'm worried about him.

I am too.

I'm worried about anybody
who would spend $,

on a piece of junk
like this.

I mean, he's so depressed
because he missed
that home run ball

that he won't come out
to see his statue.

Oh, I've got to
do something.

I know. There's only
one man who can put him
out of his misery now.

What are you talking about?

New York is full of
brain surgeons.

I'm talking about
Reggie Jackson.

Reggie Jackson?

I knew the child could hit,
but I sure didn't know
he went to medical school.

GUARD: Stand back.
Stand back!

GUARD: Stand back.

Excuse me.
Pardon me.

Coming through!

Oh, well, I guess
I should've mentioned it.

I would like to see
Reggie Jackson, please.

Yeah, you and half
the free world.

Forget about it, lady.

But look, sir, I've been
phoning his hotel
and I can't get through

and I really need
to see Mr. Jackson badly.

Look, nobody's allowed
through here after the game
but players and press,

and that's it.
Understand?

Players and press?
Well, why didn't you say that?

I'm with the press.

Oh, you are, are you?
What paper?

It's called the
Help Center Newsletter.

I just happen to have
a copy with me.

You don't even
have a sports page.

Of course not.
That's why I have to
get in there to start one.

Here's a quarter, lady.
Go buy a pack of
baseball cards.

Maybe you'll get lucky
and get a Reggie.

GUARD: Stand back.

Let him through.
Let him through.

Finally got some
clean ones, huh?

Nah, they're still dirty.
I just threw 'em
in the dryer.

Hey, it's about time.

Throw me a couple
of those, will you?
Here you go.

Hey, lady, what're you
doing in here?

Who, me?
Why, uh, I'm a reporter.
What else?

Well, then, I guess
you're gonna want
to interview me.

No, I want to talk
to a player.

I'm a player.
Brian Downing.

The guy who drove home
today's game-winner.

Aw, how thoughtful.

He didn't have cab fare?

Well, actually, I'm here
to see Reggie Jackson.
Do you know him?

Yeah, he's in there.
Right, guys?

ALL: Right.

Just walk right in.

All right. Thank you.

What's the matter, lady?
Haven't you ever seen
a naked man before?

Well, not a real one!

So, what do you want?

Listen, I'm Mike Witt.

I was the game-winning
pitcher today.
What can I do for you?

Well, I want Reggie Jackson.
In pants, please.

Oh, yeah, Reg?
Here he is, right here.

Oh, well thank you.

Mr. Jackson? Louise Jefferson,
Help Center Newsletter.

Have you got a pencil
and some paper?

Are you a reporter?

Well, not really.

Well, in that case,
you shouldn't be in here.
Hey, Al.

Yeah, Reg?
Oh, no, no, no.

What I mean is,
I'm a columnist.

Reporting is so degrading.

Oh, is that right?
Well, what do you want
to interview me for?

I fanned three
times today.

Of course you
fanned, Mr. Jackson.

It's over degrees
out there.

Tell me, what are you
really here for?

Well, I'd like to you,
but it's really private.

It's okay, It's all right.
It's all right.

Go ahead.
I can keep a secret.

Hey, guys, this is
the lady that's married to
Old Toaster Glove.

What happened to
"I can keep a secret"?

Well, lady,
what happened yesterday
isn't exactly a secret.

I mean, the game
was on television.

Twenty million people
saw the game.

Well, I guess you've
got a point.

But I'm also hoping
you have a heart.

What do you mean?

Well, my husband
took an awful ribbing
for dropping that ball

and it's really
gotten to him,

and I can't
cheer him up.

So I was thinking perhaps
a phone call from
you might do the trick.

Now, I know
you're a very busy man,

but I'm willing to pay
because I know you guys
don't make much money.

Don't worry.
I picked up a buck
in right field today.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
I bothered you.

You say your husband's
feeling that low?

You would think it was
the fourth quarter of the last
frame of the World Series.

Well, in that case
I don't think a phone
call's gonna do it.

Oh, please.

I think I'll have to go
see him in person.

Really?
Oh, that's fantastic!

Oh, you're a sweetheart,
you really are.

I'll tell you what, you go
call us a cab and I'll go over
and finish getting dressed.

Okay, if that's what
you want me to.

But that man over there...

Loves driving people home.

You see that hole
in your head?

I've got one just like it
where my heart used to be.

Get that, will you?

Hi, Mr. Jefferson?

I'm Reggie Jackson.

Can I come in?

I came here to talk
to you about last
night's game.

Oh, you came to make
fun of me too, huh?

No, I think the fans,
newspapers and
wire services

did a enough
of that last night.

I'm sure the guys in
the locker room had a couple
of laughs at my expense.

Believe me. We did not
have "a couple" laughs.

Well, that's a relief.

See, George, now
don't you feel better?

Weez! When did
you get home?

Mr. Jefferson,
your wife came by the
ballpark to talk to me.

She told me that you
were really feeling low.

Well, Reggie,

you know that brown,
nasty tobacco juice you
guys spit out

and then grind
into the dirt before
you come up to bat?

Very well.

I feel lower than that.

Look, Mr. Jefferson.
As long as they've
been playing baseball

guys have been
dropping fly balls.

I mean all the great ones.
Guys like Mays,
Mantle, DiMaggio...

You know, Mr. Jackson,
George says you drop
plenty yourself.

Damn, lady,
you got a funny way
of talking to a cat

when he's trying
to help you out.

Look, Reggie.
You don't mind if I call
you Reggie, do you?

No. That's all right.
Look, I appreciate your
coming to my house.

And I know why you're here.
But I'm afraid it's no use.

I mean, I did it and
I have to live with it, okay?

I mean, I am,
and always will be, the guy
who dropped Reggie Jackson's

called-sh*t
grand slam ball.

But, Mr. Jefferson...
It's okay.
I'll live with it.

I'll live with it.

Okay. I tried,
Mrs. Jefferson. What
can we do?

Well, Reggie, can't
you stay for dinner?

No, I can't be
hanging around here.
I got some action tonight.

Ooh, I just love
that sports lingo.

Goodbye.

Hey, Jefferson!
Think fast!

What's this?
I'll tell you
what that is.

That's a pretty good catch.

And I'll tell you
what else that is.
What?

That's the called sh*t
that I hit last night.

The ball that
you dropped.

So?

Now on you can
tell all your friends
that you really did

catch Reggie's
called sh*t.

Yeah, but that was there.
I caught this here.

Okay.
Wait a minute.

But I caught this
without a glove.

That sort of evens
things out, right, Weez?

Yes, it does, George.

Hey, Reg,
you know something?

When I was a kid I used
to play a lot of sandlot
ball, you know.

I had the stickiest
fingers on the team.

In fact, you know what
my nickname was back then?

Georgie?

No, Sticky Fingers.
How come nobody gets that?

Reggie, is there any way
you can let George
keep the ball?

Oh, yeah, it would sure
help my story.

Sure, you can keep it.
I'll even sign it for you.

Hey, that's great.
And when you come
into town you can visit it

That's great. It'll
also give me a chance
to visit your wife.

She seems to know
a lot about baseball.

Mr. October!

Sticky Fingers!

Oops.