11x11 - Chairman of the Bored

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

So, there I was,
sitting at my desk

when in walks Bob Dudno.

Well, Helen, you know how
he and I fight at work,

especially since I was
appointed president.

Well, I was about to
offer him a candy,

when he said he wanted to cut
the chapter on animal fats

in the new cookbook
we're publishing.

Well, I got so mad
I almost stood up.

I mean, the nerve
of that man!

If you cut that chapter
on animal fats,

the rest of the book
sticks to the pan!

Tom, I've heard that animal
fat story at least times.

So, I had to stand firm.

This was one time
Dudno didn't know.

Tom, I'm going to be late
for the bridge tournament.

Yes, but you can't
leave without Louise.

And she said she'd be
ready in a minute. Now, sit.

Crank it up, Louise!

So I told Bob, "Dudno..."

I always call him
that when I'm angry.

"Dudno, if you keep on with
this insubordination, damn it,

"I'm not going to pay
for the coffee tomorrow."

And you know what?

I won! I did not pay
for that coffee.

Oh, I was tempted,
but I stood firm.

Louise, now!

TOM: Well, I guess
we can all leave now.

Oh, Tom, I thought you knew.

We're going to the ladies
bridge tournament.

I don't think you'd
be interested.

Or allowed.

Well, what am I
supposed to do tonight?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Tom.

You're a grown man.

Look, why don't you
go out on the town?

Oh, I know what!

Why don't you try that
new club that opened up
across the street?

They have live music.

Wait a minute, Helen.
Isn't that a club for singles?

Oh, that's all right.
I trust Tom.

Why shouldn't I?

After all, we love each other.

Anyway, after hearing one
of his boring stories,

what woman would
go after him?

I'll see you later, dear.

George, we're going now.

Good luck with
your meeting.

Luck has nothing to
do with it, Weez.

It's charm.

Which I have so much
of it makes me sick
to my stomach.

Me too, dear.
Bye bye.

Bye bye.
Bye.

Say, George why don't
you and I have a bite to
eat before your meeting?

Sorry, Willis, I'm
having dinner with some
very important people.

Oh, can I tag along?

Look, I don't know how
to tell you this, but
you'd be out of place.

See, these people
are fun to be with.

Oh...

Oh, uh, George?

Yes?

May I ask you a question?
No.

Do you think I'm interesting?

Well, do you think other
people think I'm interesting?

What are you worried about
something like that for?
You've got Helen.

Plus you've got
a lot of friends. I'm sure

out of all those people,
there's got to be somebody

who doesn't think
you're an eggplant.

Oh, gee, thanks, George.
It's nice to hear that.

You know, sometimes
I get the feeling that

no one wants to spend
any time with me.

What makes you think a
crazy thing like that?

Here.

But, George, uh...

Hi, Florence.

Oh, hi, Mr. Willis.

Done a bit of shopping?

Sure did.

I think my credit card's on
the critical list for a while.

Well, I gotta run.

Oh...

Uh...

Off so soon?

Yeah, I've got to put these
things away and get dressed.

I'm meeting some
old friends tonight.

Old friends?
Gee, I love old friends.

Me too. These are some girls
from my old neighborhood.

We're having
kind of a reunion.

A reunion?
Gee, I love reunions.

Yeah, me too.

You know, it seems that
when we girls were together,

all we ever did was laugh.

Laugh?
Gee, I love to laugh.

Me too.

Just running around, telling
silly stories, acting crazy.

We should have a great time.

A great time? Gee, I...
"I love a great time." I know.

We're just lucky we all
found a night when we
didn't have nothing to do.

Nothing to do? Gee,
what a coincidence.

I have nothing to do.

I'm sorry, Mr. Willis,
I'd love to invite you,

but I don't think you and
my friends have anything
in common.

They don't know nothing about
the publishing business.

Well, if I went out
with you, I'd sure tell
them plenty about it.

I knew you'd understand.

Oh, Mr. Willis!
Lovely evening, isn't it?

Going down?

No thanks, Mr. Bentley.

I'm already down.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear it.
What's the problem?

Well, as it turns out
I'm all alone tonight.

Say, why don't you and
I go out for dinner?

Why, Mr. Willis,
I'd be honored.
Oh, great!

Any night but tonight.
I have Sabrina coming over.

Oh.

Uh, Mr. Bentley,
you're a bachelor.

What do you
for entertainment?

I told you, I have
Sabrina coming over.

Mr. Willis, you
seem a bit edgy.

Why don't you spend
the evening at home,
curled up with a good book?

Well, I've read
everything I've got.

Well, then allow me to
select a book for you.

But we've got to hurry because
Sabrina will be along soon

and, well, I haven't even
fetched the wine yet.

Oh, all right.

Oh, thank you.
Mmm-hmm.

Well, I haven't been
here for some time.

The place looks different.

Well, you know what I
always say Mr. Willis.

A man's abode is a
reflection of the man himself.

Look around, take it all in,

and you'll get a pretty
good idea of what I am.

What are you?

Confused, yet steeped
in tradition.

Oh, I get it.

This old English suit of
armor is the tradition
part, right?

No, actually this is
the confused part.
You see?

Room temperature,
the only way to drink beer.

Oh, this is nifty.

Yes, if we had more time
I would offer you one.

Oh, I have plenty of time.
I don't.

Oh, now this must be
the tradition part.

BENTLEY:
Right you are.

These are some
of my ancestors.

Ah, let's see, from
left to right we have
Sir Byron Bentley.

He's the only
Englishman ever knighted
for ventriloquism.

And next we have
his niece, Priscilla.

She was a Pisces,
and yet she adored licorice.

Then, we have a later
Bentley, Phineas.

He was a mute, which,
of course, explains
my own bilinguality.

TOM: Oh, wait a minute.
What about that last portrait?

He doesn't look anything
like the others.

Well, of course not.
I got that at Bloomingdales.

Now, here's a volume
that I found fascinating.

Names for Your New Baby?

Well, it's easy reading.

And the best thing is,
you can start anywhere.

Oh, that must be Sabrina, now.

Hey, Mr. Bentley,
you're in luck.

The name Sabrina means
"wise and full of grace."

Is there anything in
there about "hot-to-trot"?

Woof!

Sabrina, darling!
Come in.
Hi, Harry.

Can you tell I'm early?

Oh, yes, I can.

You can? How?

Well, by my watch.

Big hand or little hand?

Sabrina, it's a digital.

Oh, my goodness. Who is
this vision of loveliness?

Well, this is my sister,
Gretchen. She's an
airline stewardess.

Hi, Harry.
Hello.

Hey, neat apartment!

She surprised me, she just
flew in from Las Vegas.

Yeah, and boy,
are my arms tired!

Laugh it up.

Who is that?

This is a man who knows a
good joke when he hears one,

my good friend, Tom Willis.
He publishes books.

Books? What a coincidence!

We have a book.

Really?

Harry...

I hope you don't mind that
I brought my sister along,

but she's only going
to be in for one night.

Are you my date?

Well, I, uh...

Excuse me for a
moment, Sabrina.

Mr. Willis, you've got
to help me out here.

See, I expected to be alone
with Sabrina this evening

but now that seems
out of the question.

Can't you entertain
Gretchen while Sabrina
and I go for the wine?

Gee, uh, I don't
know, Mr. Bentley.

The way I've been going,
my boring stories would
probably put her to sleep.

Perfect.

You see, and then by
the time we return,

I'll have thought up some
idea to save the evening.

Oh, my goodness,
look at the time.

Sabrina, would you like
to take a walk with me and
we'll pick up the wine?

Ooh, it sounds great.

Gretchen, will you
be all right?

Sure, I'll just stay
here with Mr. Willis.
You kids run along.

Well, we shouldn't be
more than half an hour.

BENTLEY: Ta-ta!

Is it all right to move
about the cabin?

Sure, we're not in the
airplane now, silly.

So, tell me, what
does a publisher do?

Oh, I don't think
you'd want to hear.

Oh, no, I find publishing
very fascinating.

You must have lots
of stories. Come.

Sit.

Tell.

Well...

If you insist. I...

Well, um...

Recently we published a
cookbook without animal fats,

It stuck to the pan,
and I didn't buy coffee.

Wow! That's like
an Altman film.

Do you have
any more stories?

You mean,
you want to hear more?

I'd love to.

After all, we do have
time before Sabrina
and Harry get back.

Plenty of time.

Bob Dudno, that's
a funny name.

Mr. Willis,
what's the matter?

Nervous?
Oh, I'm not nervous!

What do I have to
be nervous about?

I mean, it'd be one
thing if we were alone.

But fortunately,
we're both here.

Is it warm in here?

You're cute, Tom.

I can call you Tom, can't I?

Why?

Because that's your name.

Oh, right.

Look, sweetheart, come
over here and sit down.

Before we go on here,

I feel there's something
you ought to know.

I'm married.

I knew that.

Well, what gave it away?

The sweat on your upper lip.

Thirty years.

Oh, let's not talk about that.

Do you know what I'm
really in the mood for?

Oh, my God!

Another story.

Phew!

Most of the men I know they
don't even know how to talk.

They've never read a book,
much less published one.

I really would like
to hear another story.

Another story?

Well, hmm...

Several summers ago,

I entered the Office Olympics
at our company picnic...

Oh, an athlete!

Tell you what,
you hold that thought,

and I'll go to the galley
for some refreshments.

Magazine, sir?

TOM: How about that?

This woman certainly doesn't
find my stories boring.

And maybe, just maybe,
she's not alone.

I wonder what it would be like

if everybody found me as
fascinating as she does.

I wonder... I wonder...

I'm sorry, ladies, there's
no more room. No, no!

Here we are, playmates.
Last stop, paradise!

PLAYMATES: Yay!

That's enough, dear.

Now, from now on out,
we'll make our own music.

Mmm.

Now you go over there and
stand next to Miss August.

I'm Miss August.

I'm Miss October.

I'm Miss April.

I'm Miss May.

I'm Miss May.

.

.

It shows.

Why you...

Now, now, playmates!

Please, please.

No matter what your names are,
they were very good years.

Tom, please tell us the story
about the cookbook again.

Please, please, pretty please!
No, no!

I want to hear the one
about how you b*at Bob Dudno
in the three-legged race.

He told me
that one twice.

He told me in Hawaiian.

Playmates, playmates.
Please, please.

Listen, I'm not Superman.

PLAYMATES: Aw!

No, no, I have to rest
up before my story.

PLAYMATES: Aw!

Willis, are you busy?

Listen, I gotta tell you
what happened at lunch today.

All right, but make it quick.

I'm waiting for the
night shift to come on.

Okay, there I was in
this restaurant, right?

In walks the President
of the United States!

And he's standing there,
waiting for a booth,
and all of a sudden,

this guy rushes in with
this great big b*mb.

Now, everybody's
scared, right?

But the guy's not looking,
so I fling my chili dog
at his face.

He drops the b*mb,
I pounce on the b*mb.

I defuse the b*mb.

The cops come,
they arrest the guy,

the President
gives me a medal,

and even pays for my lunch.
What about that?

Please tell us about
the three-legged race!

PLAYMATES: Oh, please! Please!

Willis, may I speak to
you a minute, please?

How can you do this
to Helen, the woman
who bore your children?

Well, frankly, George,
Helen bores everybody.

Now, watch this.

Girls, I have bad news.

I'm leaving town.

PLAYMATES: No, no!

Now, now. And here's
the good news.

I was just kidding!

PLAYMATES: Yay!

Uh, Mr. Willis. I just
dropped by to use my shower.

Would that be all right?

All right, but make it snappy.

I'm going to tell the

photocopy machine malfunction
story in there later.

PLAYMATES: Yay!

How do you do it?
What is your secret?

How do you attract so many?

Well, I'll tell you,
Mr. Bentley.

There are two types
of men in this world,
and luckily for me,

I don't have to spend my
time with either one of them.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Girls, it's time
for my exercises.

You're right, it is.

Uh-uh, don't
forget to breathe!

Willis, what is the
matter with you?

Don't you know you're
mocking the institution
of marriage?

Helen must be devastated!

So what's your point?

My point is, you're
making a big mistake.

Willis, you're becoming
an unhappy man.

George, would you move
a little tiny bit over
to your left?

You're blocking my view
of my unhappiness.

That's it, Willis.
I'm outta here.

And, if you were a real man,

you'd be satisfied with
what you have at home.

Surely your wife is.

Ooh, I wonder
what's eating him?

Mr. Willis, I'm going
to take my shower now.

A cold one.

TOM: That's enough, girls.

Ah, I feel refreshed now.

I think it's time for...

Another story!

PLAYMATES: Yay!

Oh, now who could that be?

All right, I'm coming.

Oh, it's you.
What do you want?

Hi, Tom.
I'm sorry to disturb you.

Well, you should be.

I was just about to
tell my playmates another
one of my fabulous stories.

PLAYMATES: Yay!

The ones that
bore you so much.

I'm sorry, Tom.
But I was wondering,

when are you
coming home again?

It's so lonely and
boring without you.

Yes, I'll bet it is.

Life isn't very interesting
without me, is it?

No. And it's been
two weeks.

Two weeks?
How have you survived?

Tom, please, say you'll come
home and tell me more stories.

Well...
I'll think about it.

Oh, you're a saint!

So they tell me.

Here is a little
something to remind you
of my eternal devotion.

Oh, how thoughtful.

And here's a little
something for you,
from me.

You'll like it.
It's seedless.

Thank you. Thank you.
I will cherish this forever.

Yes, you do that.
Bye.

Boy, that Helen
is a real drag!

She's beginning to act more
like that irritating woman
down at the office.

Who's that, Tom?

Bob Dudno's secretary.

You'll never believe
what she tried to do
to me last Thursday.

I want to hear all
about that witch.

Well, you have been good.

All right, I'll tell you.

PLAYMATES: Yay!

Now, as I remember,
the day got off to
a horrible start.

No sooner
had I entered
the office when, um...

Um, uh...

Uh, no sooner had
I entered the office...

Um, I think it was
about : when, um...

Tom,
is something wrong?

Oh, there's nothing
wrong at all.

Uh... Uh,
where was I?

Oh, no sooner
had you entered
the office.

It was about :.

Yes. The day got off
to a horrible start...

Uh, I...

I'm sorry, girls,
I'm going to have to
ask you all to leave.

Leave now?

You can't
mean it!

No! You haven't
told us yet about
the time you switched

everyone's ink
blotter as a surprise.

I'm sorry, girls.
I can't. I can't.

PLAYMATES: Oh, please! Please!
No, no.

No. I just can't.

I can't.
I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I... I can't.

Tom? Can't what?

Oh, I... I'm sorry.
I just can't,
that's all! I...

Well, maybe just one.

I can't.
I can't!

Um...

Gretchen, what did
you do to him?

Not a thing.

I just tried to be nice to him
by pretending to like some
of his boring stories.

Ah.

Oh, Tom, I was
just on my way home
to find you.

Well, I'm not there.
I'm here.

And I'm not doing anything,
as you can plainly see.

Oh. Tom, I just
had to leave that
bridge tournament.

Do you want
to know why?

Well, Helen, I don't
think we owe each
other any explanations.

Oh, but I do.
You know, I made
a big mistake today.

I made you think
that your stories
were boring.

Oh, they are, they are.
Nobody likes them.

Who would?

But after listening to
all those other women
at my table today,

talking about how their
husbands never pay
them any attention,

let alone talk to them.

Well, I realized that
I was wrong about you.

I never should have
made light of your stories.

Really?

You genuinely want
to share every detail
of your life with me.

And that makes me
proud to want to
share mine with you.

Oh, Helen.

Oh. So, sweetheart,
from now on I'm all ears

whenever you want
to tell me about
the Office Olympics,

or about the messy
pencil shavings,

or even about buying
Bob Dudno some coffee.

Oh, what the blazes.
Helen, you obviously
don't listen.

I did not buy that coffee!

Now it all
started when...