11x16 - Hail to the Chief

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

It's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Florence, will you
listen to this letter
to Dear, Abby?

"Dear, Abby, I'm
a -year-old woman.

"I've been single
all my life.

"My days are spent cleaning
the home of the rich family
I live with."

Mmm. If she was ,
she'd sound just like me.

"They treat me decent,
but it's a dead end job.

"Sometimes I wonder
if my life is worth living.

"What do you think?
Signed,
Mired in Minnesota."

Oh, Florence,
isn't that maid pitiful?

Oh, I, I mean the part
about her being .

I'll get that.

Oh, hi, Louise.
Hi, Florence.
Wait until you hear.

I've never
been so happy
in my whole life.

Well, don't worry, child.
Miss Jefferson'll
take care of that.

Helen, what happened?

Well, Tom had quite
a surprise for me
in bed last night.

Lucky you.

You don't have
to brag about it.

George ain't surprised
me in years.

No, honey,
that record's
still intact.

But the surprise
was some great news.

The president
of Pelham Publishing
is stepping down

and guess what?

Tom is next in line!

Oh, Helen, that's wonderful!
Congratulations.

When does he take over?

Oh, well,
nothing's official yet.

But Tom's only
competition is a man
named Dave Dawson.

And Dave's been there
less than half
as long as Tom.

Oh, Mrs. Willis,
you must be so proud.

And you know, Mr. Willis
really worked hard for this.

Oh, he sure has.

Yes. And don't sell
yourself short, Helen.

Remember, you are the
woman behind the man.

Well, I shouldn't be talking
about my own sacrifices.

This is Tom's big day.

Just think, Helen,
Tom Willis President.

Yes. You know, at last
he'll be getting the power

and the dignified position
he's always wanted.

You know, he was
so excited this morning,

he forgot to switch
the rinse cycle
to delicate.

Um, Mrs. Willis,

exactly what does
the president of a
publishing company do?

Oh, well, Florence,
it's very hard to explain.

It's such an incredibly
multi-faceted job.

Oh, but in layman's terms,
he'll be pulling down

about G's a year.

Oh, George, guess what.

Tom is going to be
the next president
of Pelham Publishing!

Great! Fantastic!

Hey, Curt,
Jefferson here.

Look, I want you
to sell all my shares
in Pelham Publishing.

Right, right.

Hey, this calls
for a celebration.

Well, Florence, the door.

Don't look at me.
I'm too busy celebrating,
child.

Hello, Mr. President.

Hello, George.

Tom, is something wrong?

Am I that transparent?

Yes. Tell us
what's bothering you.

Oh, the minute I got
to the office this morning,

it seemed that everyone
was staring at me.

With pity.

Well, you should be
used to that by now.

No, I didn't have
any breakfast crumbs
left on my face.

I checked.

And there was nothing wrong
with my clothes either.

Unless they had
some objection
to a nice navy blue suit

with the discreet
understatement
of pin stripes.

Ah, yes, you know, Helen,
there's something about
pin stripes that...

Tom, get to the point.

Oh, yes, of course. Right.

Anyway, I, I, I was
sitting behind my desk

and then I heard
the sound of hammering.

So I got up from my desk

and I went
to Dave Dawson's
office next door.

And what do
you think I saw there?

Dave Dawson!

Good answer.
Good answer.

Yeah, Dave Dawson.
And three workmen.

They were putting up
rosewood paneling.

Did you hear that, Helen?
Rosewood paneling.

Tom, didn't I say something
about getting to the point?

But that is the point.
Don't you see?

No one was putting up any
paneling in my office!

Oh, Helen, old man Pelham
is leaning toward

Dave Dawson
for president!

Oh, Tom! G's.

Oh, Helen,
I feel so stupid.

Oh. You should have
seen me this morning,

strutting around the office,
as if I had the job
all locked up!

"Oh, Miss Grimes,
the water in the cooler
has an acidy after taste.

"Get another bottle.
Oh, Miss Fishfine,
get rid of all those

"hanging plants
in the outer office.

"This is a publishing house,
not Sherwood Forest.

"Hey, Brogan,
I want you to repaint
all of the fixtures

"in the executive
washrooms.

"I want the Willis years
to go down in history,

"as the era of the
golden faucets."

Oh, I'm just grateful that
Grimes, Fishfine and Brogan
weren't there to hear me.

Look, Tom, let's say
worse comes to worse

and this Mr. Dawson
does get the presidency.

How much difference
does that really make?

You've waited so many years,
what's a couple of more?

Incidentally, how old
is the man anyway?

.

Oh.

And how many months?

I can't believe it.

Today of all days I picked
to buy donuts
for the whole office!

Willis, be positive.

Look, the pressure
could k*ll Dave

and the job
would be all yours.

Oh, sure. But what
am I supposed to do
in the meantime?

Oh, I know what
they're gonna say.

"Hey, Tom, fetch me
some cigarettes.

"Hey, Tom, you don't mind
running downstairs and getting
me a sandwich, do you?

"Hey, Tom, scoot
across town and pick up
my airline tickets."

Well, who needs it?

I can get that kind
of treatment at home.

Well, uh,
what are you gonna do?

I'll tell you exactly
what I'm going to do.
I'm going to resign.

Now, wait just one minute.

Aren't you being
just a little hasty?

Shouldn't you have
another job lined up
before you quit?

No, Helen.
This is a matter
of principle.

And my God,
I've got my pride.

Oh, dear, I forgot
to defrost the roast,

so dinner will
be a little late tonight.

Oh, Tom,
forget about dinner.

Are you really serious
about quitting?

Well, does this
tell you anything?

It's just an empty envelope.

Yes, but I intend
to fill it with my letter
of resignation.

Look, Willis,
now I've known
you for a long time.

I know your skills
and I know your potential.

And you don't have
enough of either
to land another job.

Well. now, thank you, George,
I appreciate your concern

but I've made up my mind.

And you know something?

I think it's gonna
work out just fine.

Hey, I could use
a little vacation.

I think I'm going
to enjoy it out there.

Yes, I think
a life of leisure

will suit me just fine.

Oh, George, wait a minute.

Oh, gee, you look nice.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, George?
What?

Well, where are you going?

Downstairs to get
a couple of contracts.

Oh. Uh, uh, George?

What?

Well, what time
will you get home?

What difference
does it make?

Well, uh, George?
What?

Well, I thought maybe
we could have lunch
together or something.

Willis, will you get
a hold of yourself?

I, I can't.
I don't know what to do.

I have
no sense of purpose.

I, I, I'm bored.

This monotony is driving me
out of my mind.

What are you talking about?
It's only been one day.

It seems like two.

Look, Willis,
wait a minute.

What are you
doing here anyway?

Oh, well, I didn't
want to disturb Helen.

You know how cranky
she can be
when you wake her up.

Willis, I really think you
should swallow your pride

and go back to work.

Me? Go back?

To do that would be
the most spineless
thing I could imagine.

It would prove
that I have no sense
of character.

No sense of
responsibility whatsoever!

If I hurry I can get
to the office by :.

You know, Willis...
Oh.

You dog, you devil.

Oh, oh, why, Mr. Pelham,
how did, how did you
know I was here?

Your wife told me.

She sure gets nasty
when you wake her up,
doesn't she?

She's a good cook
though, sir.

Look at him,
look at him,
what a warrior.

Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, you're really enjoying

putting the screws to me,
aren't you?

Oh, yes, sir.
I mean, no, no, no, no.

Willis, you made
a fool out of me

and the entire
Board of Directors
of Pelham Publishing.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I didn't think
you had it in you

but damn you drive
a mean bargain.

I do?
Don't toy with me, Willis.

Don't toy with me.
I'll admit it,
I'll admit it.

You're a man of steel.

You b*at me
in this test of nerves.

What are you saying, sir?

Well, let me
put it this way.

What kind of paneling
would you like?

Uh, uh, paneling?

I'm offering
you the presidency
of Pelham Publishing.

Paneling.

You can be
numero uno, Willis,

and have everything
that goes along with it.

Prestige, power,

a secretary with legs
up to her neck.

Now, what do you
say to that?

Could I have mahogany, sir?

You can have anything
you want, Mr. President.

Did you hear that, George?
He called me Mr. President.

Well, you are
the president.
Oh.

You got a little breakfast
left on your chin.
Oh.

Now, hurry up and get dressed.
You got a two o'clock meeting

with the Wall Street people
and a four o'clock
with our British subsidiary.

Right.

Yes, and next week
you got a busy schedule.

The paper mill
people from South Carolina,

contract discussions
with the printers union,

and the movie rights
negotiations with the Coast.

Right.
And naturally,

the Board of Directors
will be waiting to hear

your State of the Company
address
with detailed predictions

about where we're heading.

Right.
Yes. Oh, uh,

bring in another box
of those donuts.

I love the glaze.

Right.

Well, you see,
you got the job.

What have you got to say
for yourself now?

I don't wanna be president!

Mr. Jefferson,
how can you sit there
chomping down your breakfast

when your best friend
is out there on the
unemployment line?

What are you talking about?
Old man Pelham was here
this morning

and told Willis he had
the job as president.

Really?

Oh, that's great news.

You are right about
one thing. Ain't no way
I can eat this breakfast.

Oh, hi, Mr. Willis.
Or should I say,
Mr. President?

Oh, hi, Florence.

Oh, you must be feeling
about feet tall now?

Hmm?
Or should I be treating
you any different now?

Oh, oh, no, no, no,
Florence.
It's no big deal.

Let's just go on
the way we've been,
okay?

Whatever you say.

You got a little breakfast
or something there
on your chin.

Well, Willis, how does
it feel to be going to work

for the first time
as the president?

George, I'm scared.

Did you ever get
the feeling you'd never
stand up straight again?

That this steel fist
had grabbed hold
of all of your intestines

and was twisting them
into a gigantic knot?

Well, I should assume that
this has something to do
with Florence's breakfast.

Oh, hi, Tom.

George told me
the good news.

You must really
feel excited.

Well, I really feel sick.

Oh, well, that's normal.

You're just having
the first day butterflies.

Oh, I don't know.

Should the butterflies
be racing around
in squadrons?

Oh, come on.

You've just been handed
a very important job.

Anybody would be nervous
in your shoes.

I don't care
what you say.

I, I just don't think
I have the qualifications
to be a good president.

Well, you must have
talked it over with Helen.

What did she say?

Oh, oh, nothing. I mean,
I, I couldn't tell her.

I mean,
Helen has her heart
so set on this

that I couldn't let her down.

You mean you'd rather suffer
alone than talk to your wife?

Well, naturally.
A woman wants to be
married to a strong man.

That's the kind of man
I would marry.

Don't be ridiculous.

There's no reason
for you to put up
a front for Helen.

You really think so?

Of course.
She'll understand.

You just tell her
exactly how you feel.

Well, you're right, Louise.

Why should I have
to prove to Helen

I'm somebody I'm not.

Oh, it's silly going on
with this pretending.

I'm gonna go right
upstairs and level
with Helen right now.

Oh, oh, hi, Helen,
well I'm off.

The troops are waiting.

Oh, Tom, I thought
you'd already left.

Oh, no. I just dropped
in to say goodbye
to Louise and George.

But I'm off now.
I'm on my way.
And don't worry.

Oh, I'm the president
and I know
my responsibilities.

And you're
the president's wife.

You know my
responsibilities, too.

So everything's
gonna be okay. Bye.

Uh, Tom, what's wrong?

I don't wanna be president!

Oh.

Oh, baby, I had no idea
you felt that way.

But, Tom, I'm just
a little confused.

Yesterday
you were so upset

because you weren't
going to be president.

Well, don't you understand?
Sometimes a man thinks he
wants something desperately.

And then when he gets it,
he realizes
he didn't want it after all.

Willis, leave
your marriage out of this
and get back to work.

Oh, honey, I had no
idea you were agonizing.

I just want you
to be happy, that's all.

You won't feel
any less toward me
if I turn this job down?

Of course I wouldn't.

If being president
is not what you want,

then I'll be
perfectly satisfied
to go on being married

to a vice president.

You will?

Oh, Tom,
do you have to ask?

Oh, uh, Helen,

I hate to rush you
but we're running late
for the meeting.

Oh, right.

Honey, I'll see you
at dinner tonight. Okay?

And remember, I love you,
Mr. Vice President.

And I love you, too,
Mr. Vice President's wife.

Well...

Willis, you make me sick.

Well, what do you mean?

"I love you,
Mr. Vice President."

Well, so what?

To be a vice president
is still an honor.

Oh, yeah?
Who honors George Bush?

Why, uh... Uh, uh...
Why, Mrs. Bush.

If that. And how about
the vice president
before him?

You know, uh...

And how about
the one before him?
Hey now...

Oh, wait a minute,
that name
always escapes me.

It always escapes everybody.
And you know why?

Why?

Because nobody honors
the vice president.

Well, I,
I guess that's true.

Of course it's true!

Because the vice president
is content on being
number two.

Number two, Willis!

Can you think of anything
good about the number two?

Well, I, I've always liked
the number two pencil.

Oh, come on!

Wait a minute,
I'm confused.
No, you're not confused!

You know exactly
what you want!

I do?
Yes, you do!

What does Dave Dawson
have on his walls?

Rosewood paneling.

Uh-huh. And what do
you have on your walls?

Plaster!

Is that all you want
out of life?

Plaster?

Well, Willis?

I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.

Of course not! You don't
want plaster! And you don't
wanna be vice president!

You wanna reach
the top of the mountain.

And you wanna keep on
climbing until you've
reached the highest ground!

Now, what do you want?

Paneling.

And you deserve paneling
because you've been there
for years.

That's right.
I do deserve paneling.

And I don't wanna
be number two.

That's for pencils.
I want to be president!

All right.

Oh, Mr. Willis
must still be out.

If you'll just wait here,
Mr. Jefferson, I'm sure
he'll be back shortly.

Thank you

Vinyl.

Ooh.

TOM: Psst! Psst!

Under here, George.

What are you doing
under there?

My secretary keeps coming
in here trying to find me.

She just won't give up.

Willis, will you
get out of there?

Well, what are, what are
you doing here anyway?

I came over
to take you to lunch.

It's a good thing I did.
What the hell's going
on around here?

Well, ever since
I got here this morning,

people keep coming in
and out of this office.

I guess they want something.

Well, have you
asked them why?

Oh, no. I was hiding.

Willis, I thought you
wanted to be a leader.

Didn't my little
pep talk help at all?

Oh, yeah. But you can't come
to work with me every day.

Can you?

Willis, I've seen
jelly fish with more
backbone than you.

Oh now, George,
it, it doesn't matter
what you say.

I've already written
my letter of resignation.

Oh, do you
wanna read it?

Here.

I think you're making
a big mistake, Willis.

Oh no, I'm not.
I gave this a lot of thought.

And believe me,
I just don't have
the qualities it takes

to make a good president.

What qualities?

Well, you've gotta
be decisive.

You know, George,
I remember way back,
when I was a boy scout

and I was leading my troop
down a nature trail.

And we suddenly,
we came to a fork.

And for the life of me,
I couldn't decide what to do.

Gee, I always thought you
were a genius with a fork.

Mr. Willis,

Kismet Publishing is going
head to head with us
on our new cookbook,

Turkey the Forgotten Meat.

What should we do?
Should we double
the ad budget or what?

No. Let's blitzkrieg Kismet.

I want a copy
of our cookbook

to hit every outlet
in the country one month
in advance.

Oh, and let's
change the title.

Let's call it
The Revolutionary
New Turkey Diet.

Yes, sir.

Oh, what was I saying?

Something about
not being decisive.

Oh, oh, yes,
that's right.

You see, I'm thrown
for a loop when the
waiter says "soup or salad."

You see, it's just
the story of my life, George.

Oh, come on, Willis.
Oh, yes. And I'll tell
you something else, too.

I'm a patsy.

People have taken
advantage of me for years.

You're being too hard
on yourself.

Oh, no. Oh, no, I'm not.

Why, I can remember
people have just played
me for a sucker as,

well, as long
as I can remember.

Well, I, back in high school,
I belonged to this club.

They used my house
to hold wild parties.

Well, I wouldn't have minded,
but they never invited me.

Oh, there you are.

Mr. Willis,
we've got a problem.

Yeah, go ahead.

Radigan's agent's on the
phone asking for a second
,-dollar advance

or Radigan won't finish
his manuscript.

Absolutely not.

Tell him to hold
to that contract
or we'll see him in court.

Right away.

Snap decisions, George,
that's what's needed here.

Uh, I've looked
at myself.

It just doesn't
come naturally to me.

You won't believe this
but before you got here,

it took me minutes
to decide whether
to hide under

the desk or out
on the ledge.

Look, Willis, I figure...

He buckled, Mr. Willis.

Uh-huh. Agents.
Thanks, Miss Clark.

So, I'll tell you
something else.

Now this
I'm gonna confess to you.
I'm gutless.

Oh, what is it now?

Tom, listen, we are
having a problem

with that biography
of General Rex Barkley.

He's threatening to sue.

Look, the guy's done
a legal thing.
We should halt publication.

Well, forget it.
Barkley is bluffing.

And I consider publication
of this book vital
to the public interest.

You've got it, Tom.
I'll pass the word.

Right.

So you see, George,

I just don't have
the qualities it takes
to be president.

I'm an Indian,
not a chief.

Willis, what are you
talking about? I just...

No, no, it doesn't make
any difference what you say.

I'm gonna hand
in this letter
of resignation.

Look, Willis, will you
stop running your mouth
and let me run mine?

Three people
just came in here.

Three people?

Did they see me?

See you?
They listened to you.

You advised them
and they listened.
You were great.

I was?
Well, hey, I was.

Of course you were.
You see sometimes a man
is so busy doing something,

he doesn't even know
what he's doing.

Yeah, that's true.

Look at me.
Like, I'm a big, powerful,
important man.

And sometimes
I don't know what I'm doing.

Yeah, I've noticed that.

Well, George,
you're absolutely correct.

I can do this job.

Oh, oh,
I thought I was weak.

But you're strong.

I thought I was inept.
But you're ept.

I thought I was unattractive.

But I'm a president.
Right.

Come in.

Mr. Willis,
the Board is waiting.

Thank you, Miss Clark.

I'm sorry, George
but I won't be able to
have lunch with you today.

My Board wants to meet
their new president.

Don't worry about it.
I'll see you later tonight.

Yeah, oh,
thanks, George.

Oh, Mr. President?
Yes?

Your zipper.
Oh.