11x17 - A Secret in the Back Room

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

Hi, Florence!
They gone?
Yeah. C'mon in.

Oh, great.

You know, I sure hate
sneaking around like this.

Well, so do I. But
what choice do we have?

Yeah, you're right.
Well, we'd better get to it.
We haven't got much time.

Yeah, they could
be home soon.
Hmm.

Well, show me
what you got.

I got exactly what
you've been asking for.

Chateau Michel Bordeaux, .

The perfect anniversary gift.

It is perfect! That's the year
the Jeffersons got married.

Oh, they're gonna
be so happy.
Thanks, Charlie.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

Say, when are you
gonna give it to 'em?

Oh, tomorrow night
after the party.
Right.

Do me a favor. Would you
hide it downstairs
in the bar for me?

Oh, sure, no problem.
I'll, uh, put it in the back
room right next to my bed.

Your bed?

Oh, yeah. Well, I,
I kinda been sleeping
down there, Florence.

You know how it is.

No, I don't. How is it?

Well, if you don't mind,
it's rather personal.

I'd really rather
not talk about it.

Of course, I understand.

I mean, if you knew
how my wife couldn't wait
to pack me a suitcase

and literally throw me
out the front door,
I'd be so humiliated.

You're right, it's
best I don't know.

Yeah, besides, you'd
only feel sorry for me,

and I'll tell you the truth,
Florence, I wouldn't want
you to do that.

Don't worry, Charlie.
I don't feel sorry
for anybody. Really.

You don't? Oh, for crying
out loud, Florence.

I'm sleeping in the
back room of my bar!

All right, sit down, Charlie.

Let's talk about it.

Uh, I don't know what
to say, Florence.

I even feel worse
about being up here in
the Jefferson's apartment.

I mean, look at this place!
years of marital bliss.

They're so happy,
it makes me... Sick.

Happy? Them? Nah,
that's just a front.

They're always
battling about something.

Oh, I got George a present!

I got Weezy a bigger present!

I love you, George!

I love you, too!

I don't know how to
tell you this,

but that doesn't exactly look
like Ali vs. Frazier to me.

Hey, Charlie, what
brings you up here?

Oh, hi, Mr. Jefferson.
Well, you see...

Y'know, who cares? All
I know, is it's the day
before my anniversary.

I'm glad to see you,
whatever the reason is.

And I'm glad to see
you, too, Charlie.

Thank you.
Happy anniversary, folks.

Well, uh, I gotta be
going, everybody.

Florence, the, uh,
you-know-what'll
be you-know-where.

Listen, Charlie, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all
right, Florence.

Gee, I, uh, sure
hope they manage
to patch things up.

Just what do you two
think you're doing?

Man, you really don't
date much, do you?

That's not what
I'm talking about.

Y'all made Charlie
feel terrible just now.

His wife kicked him out.

He spent last night sleeping
in the back of the bar.

Oh, now that's sad.

Channel comes in
real fuzzy down there.

Uh, George, this is serious.

Florence, did Charlie say
what caused all this?

You know, I never
got a chance to ask.

Oh, I feel so bad.

Here we were, the day
before our anniversary,

acting all lovey-dovey
and silly.

Poor Charlie. What he
must be going through.

Poor Charlie nothing.
Don't be feeling sorry
for him.

How can you feel sorry
for a guy who has me
for a friend?

Uh-oh.

I'm going down there and
talk to Charlie right now.

You're right, uh-oh.

Yo, Charlie!

Hey, Mr. Jefferson. Say,
you were in the Navy.

You remember how to
fold hospital corners?

Nah, they never let us sleep.

Oh, well. Never mind.

Maybe a nurse'll come in
for a drink or something.

Okay, Charlie, look,
I was talking to Florence.

I know about you and
your wife having a fight.
Oh.

I know you're sleeping
back there in the back.
Yeah.

Well, I really appreciate
your coming down,
Mr. Jefferson.

And yeah, it's rough.

But, uh, it makes it
a helluva lot easier
sleeping in the back

knowing that you've got a
real good friend sleeping
in the same building upstairs.

I hear you.

Yeah, upstairs, in a
nice, cozy apartment.

In an extra-firm
queen sized bed.

Underneath a
goose-down comforter.

Say, what're you and
Mrs. Jefferson doing with
Lionel's room these days?

Ah, ah, ah, that's a
sore spot with us Charlie,
'cause we're wasting it.

Anyway, let's get
back to your problem.

Uh, is there anything you
want to talk to me about?

Well, me and the missus,
we're not getting along.

With each other, right?
Right.

Tell you what, look.

You always look out for other
people and their problems.

Why don't you let me be
the bartender for a change?

And you be the pathetic fool.

Well, Mr. Jefferson,
I should be working.

No, c'mon, sit, it's okay.
I'll pour each of us a drink.

Well, I don't think I should
be doing this on the job.

C'mon, I promise you.

I'll have that marriage of
yours patched up before you
can say, "Skoal."

What can I say, Charlie?

You married a
fire-breathing dragon.

You, you better believe it.
But I can hold out.

I mean, things ain't
that bad around here.

No, they're not!

If I could only figure
out how to make my bed.

Are you sure you don't
remember how to fold
hospital corners?

Sorry.

Wait a minute, Mr. Jefferson.
Help is on the way.

I'll be right back.

'Scuse me,
miss. 'Scuse me.

I got a, a bit
of a problem.

I got a bed
in the back room,

and I was wondering,

would you like to make it?

Hey! Wait a minute here!

You okay?
I think so.

Why don't you pick on
somebody your size?

Let's get out of here!

George!

How did it go?

Were you able to get
the two of them back
together?

I didn't. I wouldn't.

I never will.

You two got drunk,
didn't you?

I admit I had a few drinks...

But I ain't drunk.

Now, Charlie's drunk.

But he had a good reason
'cause his wife threw him
out of his own home.

Oh, and what's your excuse?

I ain't drunk!

Not a chance. Look.

I sure am strong though.

Where'd this table come from?

George, it doesn't sound
as though you helped
Charlie at all.

It just seems to me
all you did was pour
kerosene on the fire.

He don't need her, Weez.
She's a fire-breathing dragon.

He's better off sleeping
in the back of the store.

Oh, this is ridiculous.
I should've talked
to Charlie myself.

You'll get a good chance.
I invited him to the
birthday party tomorrow night.

It's our anniversary, George.

Oh, lucky him!
Two parties in one night.

You know, I'm glad
you invited him.

It's given me a great idea.

I'm gonna invite
his wife, too.

And when they see us
getting along happily,

that is, if I ever
talk to you again,

they can't help but
kiss and make up.

No, they can't kiss, Weezy.
She's a fire-breather.

Hello, Amy? Louise Jefferson.

I hope you got your
asbestos ear plugs in.

Why don't you use your
fists? It'd be more fun.

George, sit up.

I said, sit up!

Now, Charlie isn't drinking
because she threw him out.

She threw him out
because of his drinking.

George, Charlie
is an alcoholic.

Ugh!

Do you have to make
so much noise?

Ah, I can't believe it, Weez.

Charlie's got this
terrible problem and
I just made it worse.

You didn't know
anything about it.

Eat your breakfast.

I can't.
When I chew, my hair hurts.

Ugh!

Well, what are we
going to do?

I don't know.
Ow! My moustache.

Happy anniversary, you two!

Yeah, right.

And may your future years be
as happy as this moment.

Oh, I'm sorry, Helen.

But we got some
bad news yesterday.

Bad news? What?

Well, I guess we can tell you.

Uh, Charlie is an alcoholic.

That's awful!

Shocking!

Charlie who?

Charlie the Tuna, you doof.

Charlie, the bartender.
Who else?

Oh, and I feel so bad.
And we don't know what to do.

Well, standing around here
isn't gonna help things.

Wait a minute.
You two work down
at the Help Center.

Isn't there some kind
of program down there?

But no program's gonna help
him unless he steps forward
and admits he has a problem.

Right. I knew that.

We just published a book
on the subject, by
Dr. Harlan Bevington.

Oh, he says the same thing.

Uh, this guy's credentials,
are they good?

Oh, I'll say.

Dr. Bevington used to be
one of the biggest drunks
on the upper east side.

Well, that's good
enough for me.

I'm going down there and
make Charlie confess.

Oh, wait!

Now we can't just walk
in there and bombard
him with all this.

Well, I'll just
bombard him alone.

No, George.
We'll all bombard him.

Now, look...

He's denying it, right?

Well, it's the same
old story. He's afraid.

Yeah, it's tough to
admit it when you've
got a problem.

Yes, it is. But, look,
now, I have an idea.

Maybe if he hears each of
us admit our deficiencies,

then he might be able
to confess his own.

Well, it's worth a sh*t.

Let's go down and try it out.

Wait a minute. I just
thought of something.

I have no deficiencies.

Oh, yes, you do.

Think about last night in bed.

I didn't do anything.

I rest my case.

I'm coming.

Okay. Okay.
Keep your shirt on.

Hey, good morning, everybody.
C'mon in, c'mon in.

What brings you
folks this way?

Well, we were walking
through the building, so we
just thought we'd stop by.

Oh, great, great.
Sit down. Sit down.

Thank you, Charlie.

Can I, uh, pour you
folks something?

Charlie, why do you think
every time a guy comes
into a bar he wants a drink?

Right. Silly me.

Then, uh, maybe I can get
you folks some carpeting.

It's kind of a joke.

It's nine o'clock
in the morning.

What do you expect?

Oh, a, a joke, eh?

Well, uh, maybe I should
explain something.

You see, Charlie, we're not
here to have a good time.

We're here as friends.
I mean, uh...

Uh, what Tom means is
that, uh, well, you hear
people's problems all day.

And while we were taking
our walk, we discovered
that we all have problems.

Yes, and we'd like to
talk to you about them.

Maybe hear if you ever
had one yourself.

Well, as a
matter of fact,

I do have one.

ALL: Yes?

Well, I wouldn't
want to impose.

Aw, don't be afraid, Charlie,

we all need a little
help now and then.

Oh, thanks.

Okay...

Here goes.

Do any of you know how
to fold hospital corners?

I do!

Tom!

Look, Charlie, maybe you
don't have any problems but
all of us have problems.

For instance, Willis...

Yes?

No, I'm just saying
you're my problem.

Oh, that's not funny.

But what the heck
I, I might as well
start the ball rolling.

Well, Charlie, you know me.

I'm the kind of guy who
loves food a little too much.

I guess you could call
me a food-aholic.

Yeah. And I'm a guy who likes
to work a little too much.

I guess you'd call
me a work-aholic.

And I shop too much.
I'm a definite shop-aholic.

And me, I talk on
the phone too much.

So I guess you'd just have
to call me a person who
likes the phone a lot.

Gee, I, I never knew
any of these things.

I mean, isn't it great
we all have each other
to talk to?

Wait a minute. I'm tired
of b*ating around the bush.

Look, Charlie, did you ever
hear that fable about the ant
and the grasshopper,

and the liquor distributor?

George!

Look, forget that.

Uh, Charlie, what he means
is, we are all worried.

We heard about
your drinking problem.

Yes. And we have the
number of a counselor
down at the Help Center.

His name is
Clint Haas, and he...

Oh, I see. I see.

So that's what this is
all about, huh?

You talked to the Missus, huh?

Well, as a matter of
fact, yes. I called her...

Wait a minute. I mean,
whose friend are you?

Hers or mine?

Who you gonna believe?

Now, Charlie...
No, Mrs. Jefferson.

I mean, just drop it.

I mean, I got everything
under control down here, okay?

If you folks want to
worry about somebody,

why don't you all
worry about yourselves?

Now, if you'll
all excuse me,

I've got some
breakfast to prepare.

Oh, hi, Florence.
Where're you going?

Oh, hi, everybody. I'm going
downstairs to talk to Charlie.

Oh, we just tried.
And he denies everything.

Are y'all still on that?

I mean, just because the
man got drunk last night,

does that make
him an alcoholic?

Well...

Your husband got
drunk, didn't he?

Yes, but, uh, he...

Does it make him
an alcoholic?

No, but...

I keep telling you,
Ms. Jefferson,

Charlie's problem is
between him and his wife.

He's not an alcoholic.
He's not the type.

Oh? There's a type?

Sure. The kind that tells you
that he'll be home at six,

and then don't
show up till eight.

You know what I mean.
The kind with a shifty
personality.

And you can never trust
'em cause you never know
if they're gonna do

what they say
they're gonna do.

Come to think of it, maybe
you do have a problem.

Hi, Florence.

Hi, Charlie.
How're you doing?
Oh, fine.

Yeah, I heard the
Jeffersons and the
Willises came down here.

Right.

I told 'em they were
making a big deal out
of nothing.

Thanks, Florence. But, uh,
they were right about me.

I don't know what
I'm doing. Watch.

Uh-oh! Florence!
I'm losing control.

Quick, get me a
lampshade for my head.

I feel a hula coming on.

Stop it, Charlie.
I'm in a hurry.

Listen, where's the
Jeffersons' wine?

I want to wrap it for
the party tonight.

Oh, I'll get it for
you in a minute.

Oh, if you're busy I'll
get it myself. Just tell
me where it is.

Well, if you don't mind,
it's in the back room
second shelf over my bed.

Okay. Through here?
Yeah.

Oh, and hurry back,
cause I'm getting an urge to
swing from the chandeliers.

Uh-oh, it's pink
elephant time again.

I'm over here, fellas!

Okay, Charlie.
I'm not laughing anymore.

What happened to
the Jeffersons' wine?

Uh, gee, I don't know,
Florence. Are you sure
this is the right bottle?

Yeah, that's the right bottle.

But it wasn't on
the second shelf.

It was on your bed... Empty.

So what're you saying?

Did you drink it, Charlie?

Oh, great. You too, huh,
Florence? All right.

I had a couple of drinks
last night. But c'mon!

You had more than a
couple, Charlie.

Look, I don't remember,
all right?

That's even worse.

I mean, it's bad enough
that you let everybody
down, Charlie.

But with a whole wall full
of poisons, you couldn't
even get out of bed.

You just grabbed the
closest thing to you, huh?

Oh, look, just, just, give me
a break, will you, Florence?

I'm going through a
real rough time in
my life right now.

Oh? And that's why you
k*lled this bottle?

Look, if that's all
you're worried about,
I can replace that.

It's not the wine
I'm worried about, Charlie.
I'm worried about you.

Look, I don't have
to listen to this.

Yes, you do.

Now, you've got a problem.
Get some help.

A problem?

The only problem I
got, is people telling
me I got a problem!

Now, you're really making
me angry, Florence.

I mean, first my wife
kicks me out of the house.

Then the Jeffersons turn on
me. Then the Willises, too.

But did I care? No.

Because I thought I could
at least talk to you.

But I was wrong,
though, wasn't I?

I thought I had at
least one friend left,

and now I find out
I don't even have that.

Oh, you weren't wrong,
Charlie. You still got
a friend.

Well, it's been
quite a morning.

Sure has.

Sure has. Well, Helen,
we'd better get going.

We've got to get ready for
the big anniversary party.

Yeah, people should
start arriving in about...

Ten hours.

Should be quite a bash.

A real blow-out.

Hey, George.
Yeah?

Who are we kidding?

Nobody.

Helen, Tom.

BOTH: Yeah.

There's not gonna
be a party.

BOTH: Aw...

Florence.

Yeah?

You've got the night off.

Great.

Florence.

I've got the night off.

Right.

Mr. Jefferson.

Everybody.

Florence.

Look, uh, I got something
to say to everybody.

First of all, I want to
apologize for copping
an attitude.

It's no big deal.
No, no, Mr. Willis.

This is real tough
to say, and,

the only thing that makes
it easier is having real
good friends, like you.

I've been thinking
about what you all
been trying to tell me.

And, well...

I think I have a
drinking problem.

No...

I do have a drinking problem.

ALL: Oh...
That's what we've waited for.

See, now, that's all
that you had to say.

Oh, Charlie.

Thank you.
Oh, Charlie.

Florence.
Charlie.

Thank you.

Somebody said something
about some guy down
at the Help Center.

Oh, I have his
number right here.

Oh, thank you.

Have a seat, Charlie.

No, thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

Some other time, sir.

Oh, you're welcome
to use the phone.

No, no, thank you.

This is one phone call I think
I should make at home...

In front of my wife.

Hey, everybody...

Thank you.