05x08 - The Princess and the Plea

[bunniefuu]

Oh, thank God, you're here.

Please, I wouldn't make
you face Mrs. Moyers alone.

She's so blonde and
smiley and dark-sided.

The woman needs to be double-teamed.

Remember that time she
threatened detention

and we couldn't tell if
it was for us or Ethan?

It was for us.

Oh, and did I tell you
about the cupcake incident?

No, spill.

A couple months ago, I had the audacity

to bring pink-frosted
cupcakes to the bake sale

when Totie Nussbaum had
already staked that turf.

[DISTORTED, OVERLAPPING VOICES]

[SEWING MACHINES CLATTERING]

[JOEL] The fabric cutters are upstairs.

One of them's been here longer
than Pop's owned the place.

And these are our seamstresses.

Hello, ladies. Oh, this fabric. I want.

It's from Istanbul. Pop's got
suppliers all over the world.

This is Letty, our senior button sewer.

Letty, this is my girlfriend Midge.

Hello, Letty.

What happened to Talia?

Happy sewing, ladies.

What did happen to Talia, Joel?

Talia got the boot the moment
you agreed to go out with me.

Talia didn't stand a chance.

- [SHIRLEY] Joely!
- There they are. Ma, Pop.

I want to introduce
you to Miriam Weissman.

Moishe Maisel. A real pleasure.

The pleasure is mine.

This is Joel's mother Shirley.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Maisel.

My God, the grandchildren
I'm going to have.

- Ma, you're crushing her.
- Now, they're just dating.

How you doing for tap pants?

I think I'm tapped out.

- We just got some in. Come see.
- Oh.

I'll need her back at some point, Ma.

- Well?
- This, my son, is a girl you do not let go of.

This, Pop... is forever.

[SHIRLEY] What size
are you? You're tiny.

- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
- [MIDGE] She kept saying it.

"Nut bars. You signed up to make
nut bars. Where are the nut bars?"

In the meantime, all my
cupcakes sold like hotcakes

and Totie Nussbaum's entire
tray got the go-by. Ha!

- [THUMPING]
- Is that her?

Sit up. [CLEARS THROAT]

False alarm.

Let me tell you, the dads
here are as bad as the moms.

They tried to get me to coach a team.

How'd you get out of it?

- Faked a w*r injury.
- You didn't.

These guys know nothing
of my background,

so I took advantage of that.

No one is going to question a w*r hero.

[DISTORTED, OVERLAPPING VOICES]

[JOEL] I gave you the sign to leave.

- Over an hour ago.
- It's only : , Grandpa.

Well, one of us works.

I'm sorry, I was entertaining
your old street hockey friends

- because I thought that's what you wanted.
- Well, you thought wrong.

- Pull over.
- What?

- [DRIVER] Here?
- No.

- Stop the car.
- Midge!

So dramatic, I'm married
to Barbara Stanwyck here.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

- It's a buck-forty, pal!
- Just hold on.

Midge, what are you doing?

Walking home.

We're in Brooklyn. You'll
be home around dawn.

No problem, I don't have work tomorrow.

Wait, did I pronounce
that right? "Work"?

I've only read the word in my magazines.

You're not even going the right
direction. The bridge is that way.

The bridge is this way.

- I grew up here, Midge.
- I can see the lights.

Are you and Barbara getting
back in the car or what?

Just follow us.

With the meter running? Are you crazy?

There may not be another
cab when we're done.

Well, how long do you think
this fight is gonna last?

Hopefully not too long.

I've only got three bucks in my wallet.

Well, if you are walking,
miss, then keep going.

The bridge is that way.

No, it's not. Yes, it is, g*dd*mn it.

I don't know my own neighborhood.

The bridge may have been down
there when you were a kid.

Things change.

And my friends, they are horrible.

All that burping and slurping.

Tony blew his nose into a
cocktail napkin and kept using it.

I won't inflict them
on you again. I promise.

But they're your friends.

I just need you. That's all.

Took you a while to figure that out.

[♪ JO STAFFORD: "YOU BELONG TO ME"]

Hey. Our song.

Come here, Barbara.

♪ See the pyramids along the Nile ♪

♪ Watch the sun rise ♪

♪ From a tropic isle...

This dance is going to put
another cents on the meter.

Let's make it an even buck.

♪ All the while ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

[JOEL] Only problem is,
the dads also have a veteran's group,

and now I have to go to those meetings.

- Still better than coaching.
- Good morning.

- I'm sorry, did I scare you?
- Always.

- I sometimes do that.
- Hello, Mrs. Moyers.

Yes, hello, Mrs. Moyers.

Thank you for coming
in on such short notice.

So, why are we here today?

- It was rhetorical.
- Got it.

We have a problem. He's
been rude. Disrespectful.

Incredibly disruptive.
Throwing tantrums.

- Oh, boy...
- And then there's the pipe smoking.

- Ethan's smoking a pipe?
- Not Ethan.

Your father.

- Abe?
- He's been back several times

since the incident
with the aptitude test.

Talking about your daughter's
future enrollment here.

Whether the curriculum's
up to her standards.

Wanting to interview
teachers, vet textbooks...

- [LAUGHTER]
- I'm sorry, this is not funny.

No, I'm sorry. This is quite funny.

Yeah, you know science
and stuff. We know funny.

- This is funny.
- [LAUGHTER]

We would like him not to return
for the foreseeable future.

Not till he adjusts his attitude.

We've never banned a grandparent before.

- Even the Happy Group seems dismayed...
- [WHIRRING]

[SIGHS]

Penny. I didn't know
you were still here.

Just trying to figure out
this new-fangled thing.

So, you have a :

with the production
team tomorrow morning,

and lunch with Nadler at : .

That you'll cancel first thing tomorrow.

- I always do.
- What would I do without you?

I would hate to think.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Hey. You feel like getting a drink?

Sure.

[MIDGE] Obviously, we
would like my father

to be able to see our son graduate.

When he appears in school plays.

As long as we keep him on a tight leash?

A leash would help.

I don't mean a physical leash.

Well, I hear you and I will take this up

with the faculty, I promise.

That's all we ask. Thank you.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Can we go...?

You may go.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

So what's your day today?

Today, I am hopping
a train to Bryn Mawr.

You're kidding. For what?

It's a luncheon for the
ladies of the Class of ' .

Oh, so it'll be Petra, Daniella...

Tammy, Kiki, all the girls.

- Who hate me.
- They don't hate you.

- Detest me?
- Eh.

- Despise me?
- Eh.

Pick the word. "Abhor" is good.

I will defend you. To a point.

I will take "to a point."

Have fun. And send them all my love,

- if only to confuse them.
- I will.

Mrs. Maisel, will I see you
at the next library fundraiser?

[MIDGE] I'm gonna try, Barbara.

- [BARBARA] You missed last year.
- [MIDGE] I know, I'm sorry.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Can we get a drink sometime?

Catch up? Talk about
something other than the kids?

Sure. I would like that.

Me, too. I'll call you.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

♪ ♪

[TOY PLAYING MUSIC]

Fascinating. Hmm.

Utterly fascinating.

[KETTLE WHISTLING]

Woo-hoo. Especially this page.

Well... time for a snack.

- What are you doing?
- Shh.

[WHISPERING] I'm watching Esther.

Watching her play?

Watching to see what she'll do.

Clearly, she has some
kind of freak talent.

In music, at least.

And now I want to ascertain
the breadth of her abilities.

For instance, does it
extend to literature?

So, I left my book there

and I want to see if
she goes over to my book.

[ROSE] Okay...

Is there candy in the book?

No, there's no candy in the book.

Why would there be candy in the book?

Well, if you're waiting for
her to go over to that book,

I assumed you put
some candy in the book.

Hard candy, that's what she likes.

[ABE] I don't want to
feed her hard candy, Rose,

I want to see if she'll
go over to the book

and not because she
thinks there's candy.

What's the book?

It's Being and Nothingness by Sartre.

Are there pictures?

In Being and Nothingness?
No, there's no pictures.

Then you should probably
put some candy in the book.

Even one piece could make a difference.

[SIGHS] Rose, I just want
to see if she's curious

about the text in the book.

I have to see if my granddaughter

is the grandson I've been waiting for.

She's not going to know what
Being and Nothingness is,

even if she's curious about the text.

No one knows what Being
and Nothingness is,

Sartre doesn't even know.

Even I'm just pretending to read it.

Pretending?

For the experiment.

But if she suspects that
you're pretending to read it,

she may think this is some sort of trick

and will purposely ignore the book.

Which would indicate an aptitude

for cognitive reasoning
far beyond her age.

So going to the book

would indicate advanced mental faculties

and not going to the book

would also indicate
advanced mental faculties.

I'd still go with candy.

Oh, dumb doll.

Mm-hmm. I know what
you're saying, James,

I know what it must have sounded like,

but I think it was
just a miscommunication.

She may have been high,
yeah, smoking tea, sure,

we all need to unwind at times.

No, because she wants
to apologize in person.

She's coming out there now,
she's coming to Baltimore.

Yeah, she wants to see you on the set

and take you for soft
shell crabs at Haussner's.

I'm booking the train ticket now.

Okay, well, enjoy the fruit
basket with the wine pairing,

the robe, the tennis
racket and the bicycle.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

I'm allergic to crabs.

- "It's not your turn"? Did you really say that?
- [SUSIE] Yes.

- Want to give me some context?
- Not now, Dinah.

- Then when? After James fires you?
- Is he gonna fire me?

He's on the brink. I turned
it around with those gifts.

You should've checked
with me about those gifts.

Those gifts saved your ass,
Susie, pardon my French.

Now pack a bag, you're
going to Baltimore.

Look, I know you mean well,

but you are missing
the complexities here.

I understand the g*dd*mn complexities.

You're gonna let James walk away
'cause you can't break Midge.

f*ck you, I'm gonna break Midge.

It's not one or the other.
Midge is my girl, too.

But Midge isn't getting it
handed to her like James.

Really? You want to try
being Black for a day?

No one's handed James anything,
he's earned what he has.

I know.

So don't let him walk away.

Because if you do, then I may walk away.

And you really can't live without me.

How much was the bike?

- Book the ticket.
- While you book James on Paar.

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Hello, ladies!

[ALL SQUEALING]

God, Midge, what are you wearing?

- I love it.
- Oh, this old thing?

Old? It's straight out
of this month's Vogue.

What about you? Fashion model.

She did model.

Get a load! I brought an old friend!

- Oh, my God.
- The flask.

My daddy's, remember?
From his days in the cavalry.

Right, and when a party
got boring, we'd...

[ALL] Call for the cavalry!

[LAUGHING]

Let's get moving, ladies,
we can't miss the auction.

Or lunch, I'm famished.

You got a new one,
Kiki. Don't be selfish.

- Let me see a picture.
- Oh, I don't carry pictures.

What?

Here they are, the whole g*ng.

- Four? You have four here?
- Everything's butter.

- How is Tom?
- Buttery. Very buttery.

- What's buttery? Tom?
- [LAUGHTER]

What's with the teeny, tiny
petite-y, patootie sandwiches?

They want us to stay teeny-tiny
petite-y patootie ladies.

That ship's sailed.

This is just sprouts between
two tiny slices of bread. And no crust.

Another cucumber. Every
other one is cucumber.

This is a half strawberry
on top of cream cheese.

- Cream cheese? I'll take that.
- Be my guest.

Ugh, it's not cream cheese.
It's like a whipped salmon.

Why would anyone want to whip salmon?

- Napkin.
- All ready for you.

Why the f*ck can't they just
give us turkey and ham on rye?

- Petra...
- I need something to soak up

this booze. I mean,
the lawn is spinning.

Not me. Cavalry! Pass it!

Tammy, what is this you bid on? Weapons?

- Lawn darts. My boys will love them.
- They look dangerous.

They wouldn't sell them
if they were dangerous.

I'm very happy with my
owl. I'm naming him Charlie.

I'd swear its eyes are following me.

Midge did the best of all of us.

You got to bid fast and
furious to score a Hoover Lark.

- What a beaut.
- It's the lightest vacuum on the market.

It's not even on the market
yet. I'm green with envy.

Oh, there's Mr. Dee, from Sociology?

Connie, hello, long time no see.

How did he get more handsome?

- That's not fair.
- What was his full name? It's not just Dee.

I always thought it was
short for Dee-licious.

I almost didn't
recognize him with the...

- [GASPING]
- He just kissed Sandra Gutenberg smack on the lips.

He sure did.

Doesn't he know where
that mouth has been?

I sure hope so. They're married.

- Married?
- Eight years now.

Which makes her Sandra Dee? Really?

She swears they weren't a
couple when she was a student.

- Oh, please.
- Said they ran into each other at a Piggly Wiggly

right after graduation and sparks flew.

Yeah, well, rumor has it,
she was wiggling his piggly

every afternoon behind Dalton Hall.

[LAUGHTER]

Hi, Sandra.

- Hi, ladies.
- Nice to see you.

So, Midge...

So, Daniella...

- Elephant in the room?
- I told you not to bring it up.

It's okay.

Yes, I'm converting to Christianity.

- What? No.
- Are you?

Midge...

Things are fine with
Joel. We're friends.

Palmer Witherspoon is
still brokenhearted.

And available. He and
Tuffy just divorced.

Palmer Witherspoon had the
personality of a shoehorn.

He's a lead accountant at Deloitte now.

- As I was saying...
- You and Joel moved so fast.

Palmer was gone one day and
bam, you two were a thing.

Or were you two a thing,
then bam, Palmer was gone?

He was very persistent.
But I controlled the pace,

because I was a proper,
chaste young lady...

Until we were married.

Until you were engaged.

Yeah, who you fooling?

We saw you two up against that tree.

- Kiki!
- You almost uprooted the thing.

Definitely rubbed some bark off.

I knew those binoculars
weren't just for bird-watching.

I did warn you about him,
you remember that, right?

Yes, Petra. You were very protective.

And now you're a single working girl.

Working for Gordon Ford.

Is it so much fun? Do you laugh all day?

It's a bit of a grind.
But there are laughs.

And you perform. Onstage.
I can't picture that.

You can't? She gave the toast
at her wedding. Stole the show.

I meant I can't picture me doing that.

You're not scared standing
onstage in front of people?

Well, let's see...

If there was anything
else in the entire world

that I could possibly do to
earn a living, I would. Anything.

I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan,

crippled-kid portrait painter,
slaughterhouse attendant...

I don't think those
are the only options.

Just something a friend told me once.

No. Not scared onstage.

Offstage, though, in the club
bathrooms, that's terrifying.

Why do you do it?

Because I love it.

People listen to you.
Plus, you get free drinks.

You said on the phone that you
were going to be on Jack Paar.

That was just an audition
to be on his show.

They haven't made a
decision yet. We'll see.

Oh, there's Corky Fleming.

Always hated her. Hi, Corky!

- Hi, Corky.
- [CORKY] Hi, girls.

[DANIELLA] Corky used to
fool around with Mr. Dee, too.

[KIKI] This all happen
during my semester in Prague?

[TAMMY] Everyone had
a thing for Mr. Dee.

- [PETRA] Not me. He gave me a C.
- [LAUGHTER]

[KIKI] Calvary, please!

Is this allowed? We don't have passes.

We don't need no stinking passes!

We're esteemed alumnae.

Come on, ladies.
Fortune favors the brave!

Do you dream about the dorms?

I still have dreams about the dorms.

[LAUGHTER]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

[SNIFFS] Do I smell food?

Are they allowing hot plates now?

- Don't approve.
- They have a TV in their room!

So spoiled.

- [GASPS] Aw.
- [♪ DEL SHANNON: "RUNAWAY"]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sounds good, the rock and roll.

Yup.

Petra and I played "Toolie
Oolie Doolie" nonstop

for two months in this very room.

♪ The things we've done... ♪

The Andrews Sisters?

Right. My mother has
one of their records.

What's she up to tonight?

You looking for your kid?

- My kid?
- We're , peewee. - Come on.

Geez.

- Sorry.
- Oh, my God.

This is okay with you?

What?

What. She says "What?"

- What?
- [DANIELLA LAUGHING]

- What did we miss?
- This carpet was unforgivable.

Not anymore. The Lark's really

- suctioning up the dirt.
- Feet.

The Lark is the lightest-weight
vacuum on the market.

And easy to store.

Something to keep in mind, Sherry. Barb.

- Sure.
- Okay.

Three of us slept in here? Really?

How did we ever fit all our stuff?

Why is the world
getting so much smaller?

Hey, come on. We want to
see if they're still there.

- If what's still where?
- [DANIELLA] Come on!

- Bye.
- Bye, girls.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Holy sh*t, what am I, ?

[BOTH LAUGH]

- [DOOR CREAKS]
- [GASPS]

Ew, spiderwebs!

[KIKI] You wanted to go first.

- Smells like Tut's tomb in here.
- Oh...

Somebody get a stick and
wave it in front of us.

Take the cobwebs down.

Keep moving, Kiki.

Oh, that stick's not long enough.

Midge, use your vacuum.

The Lark is not a toy.

Oy, girls. Come on, time's a-wasting.

- Oh! Aah!
- Aah!

I hate spiders more than anything.

This is smaller, too.

Everything's shrinking.

[GASPS] Our cigarette butts
are still on the ground.

Good. That means they
still might be here.

[GASPS] And they are.

[TAMMY] Oh, we attached
ribbons and flowers.

We were so cute.

[DANIELLA] Whose color
was this? Anyone remember?

- Was I yellow?
- No, I was yellow, you were purple.

The blue and purple
are looking a lot alike.

Hold them up to the light.

I was definitely green. Gimme, gimme.

- Blue.
- Oh.

- Pink.
- Ah.

Whose idea was it to write
notes to our future selves?

- Yours.
- No.

It was definitely yours,
Midge. You always thought ahead.

- Our fearless leader.
- All right, g*ng, here's mine.

[PETRA] Read, read.

"Love as if your life
depends on it." Really?

You went through that
whole Kahlil Gibran phase.

I gave that book away
with my jump ropes.

- And do you?
- Do I what?

Love as if your life depends on it?

I'll say yes. Not always, I
should try harder, but yes.

- Good.
- I'm next.

- Little Miss Blue.
- Mm.

"Be thoughtful. Be thin."

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, young Petra, you bitch.

Keep reading.

"Cherish your parents,
cherish your children,

cherish your friends,
and please be happy." Aw.

- That's sweet.
- Yeah.

Sorry, young me. You weren't a bitch.

Here's me. [CLEARS THROAT]

"Read Don Quixote in
the original Spanish"?

Oh, God, I never even learned Spanish.

- [LAUGHTER]
- What else?

Just a long, obnoxious list

of other books to read
in various languages.

And I end with "Most
Sincerely, Your Younger You."

- Mm.
- Kiki?

[KIKI] Okay. "Work for seven years,

save money, travel for six months,

then get married and have some kids."

Okay, I did not do that.

- You had some kids.
- And then some.

And that's where the story ends.

Midge?

All right, here I go.

[KIKI] What's it say?

"Don't."

- Don't?
- Don't what?

That's it. Just "Don't."

Did you not finish the sentence?

No, I added an exclamation
point and underlined it twice.

Let me see that. "Don't." Weird.

What did you mean?

- No clue.
- Do you remember writing this?

- Nope.
- [TAMMY] Maybe it was "Don't hurt anyone."

- Something like that.
- Then why didn't I write that?

[DANIELLA] I know what it was, Midge.

You were going to wear that purple dress

to the senior formal but
you knew deep down not to.

"Don't." And you didn't.

I don't think that was it.

[PETRA] I think it was
something like "Don't miss out."

Don't miss out on living life.

- And, my God, you haven't.
- [TAMMY] That's so true.

All the amazing things
you've gotten to do, Midge?

- [DANIELLA] You've done more than any of us.
- [KIKI] Combined.

And just think of all
the stories you'll have

to tell your children when they grow up.

[TAMMY] And your grandchildren.

Once you're settled, remarried, happy,

you'll always be able to look
back on this amazing chapter

and say "I did that."

Yeah. It's been an amazing chapter.

Oh, wait, there's more on mine.

"Swing by the Piggly
Wiggly after graduation."

g*dd*mn it, I could have been Mrs. Dee.

[LAUGHTER]

- [THUD]
- [TAMMY] Whoops!

Tammy, creepers, you
almost put my eye out.

- Sorry.
- You're supposed to throw 'em underhand.

And you're not supposed to
try to catch them, Petra.

[PETRA] I'm not playing anymore.

- I've got to go.
- Me, too.

So, let's pledge it won't be ten years

- before our next game of drunken lawn darts?
- Yes.

- Absolutely.
- Bye.

[♪ ANDREWS SISTERS:
"TOOLIE OOLIE DOOLIE" ♪]

- Bye.
- Bye.

[OVERLAPPING GOODBYES]

♪ When the Swiss boy goes calling ♪

♪ On a Swiss miss in June ♪

- Bye.
- Bye.

♪ Toolie oolie doolie doo ♪

♪ And make your dreams come true ♪

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

And it's confirmed. Doubly. Triply.

%.

- Through my wife? Through Hedy?
- Through Hedy.

- Is she still here?
- Saw her downstairs a minute ago.

Hedy!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hedy, you stop right there!

Yes, sir.

[CHATTER QUIETS]

- What the hell?
- This can't be good.

g*dd*mn it, Hedy.

g*dd*mn it.

- Aw.
- Whoo!

I stand corrected.

I do not understand their marriage.

[GORDON] Okay, listen up, guys.

You all know that a certain
member of the British Royal family

has been on an extended
tour of North America.

And you also know that
every major media outlet

from San Diego to Newfoundland's

been trying to book an interview.

Well, we just got the f*cking interview.

Tonight, Princess Margaret

will be on our show for the full hour.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

This woman, this woman
here, pulled strings,

flattered egos, called
in chits, and sweet-talked

the supercilious ponces
that surround the princess

and pulled off a miracle on
the order of loaves and fishes.

Applaud for her now.

[APPLAUDING]

He graciously left out
all the dirty things I did.

[LAUGHTER]

Now, it's all hands on deck, people.

A lot's coming down
the pike really quick,

starting with British security,

so if you've stashed any
muskets or tea in your offices,

- remove 'em now.
- [LAUGHTER]

Mike, a lot of this is
landing on you, partner.

- You ready to run?
- Hell yeah.

I need the research team to supply me

with all things Margaret
and get me as much about

- what she's done on this tour so I'm caught up.
- All right.

I'll run point on this,
guys. Get stuff to me by : .

Alvin, guys, her team says she wants

to do some sort of comedy skit with me.

- You're kidding.
- They say she doesn't want to come off stiff,

so go to town, come up with
as many pitches as you can

to make her funny and bring
'em up to Mike and me ASAP.

- You got it.
- [GORDON] And tailor the monologue to the Royal Family.

Make it funny but
treat them with respect.

Ah, but poke fun at 'em, too.

You know, keep it edgy. Keep it Ford.

But not too edgy. But
it's got to be funny.

- But not funny in a mean way.
- Gordon, please, you'll pull something.

- Let 'em do their thing.
- Funny but not mean. We got it, boss.

All right.

And now my morning just got even better.

Jane Jacobs, what an
absolute thrill to meet you.

- Hello, Gordon.
- Guys, this is the woman who single-handedly

stopped Robert Moses from
running a g*dd*mn road

through the middle of
Washington Square Park.

Jane, my first time in New York,
my parents took me to that park.

My God, there were jugglers,
musicians, that fountain,

a bunch of weirdos, it was magical.

I knew then I had to
live here, work here.

Jane, you didn't just save a park,

you saved a memory.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Got to bump you tonight. I'll
call you when we got a hole to fill.

Let's do this, Mike.

Okay.

So that was the mysterious Hedy, huh?

She pops up every now and then.

The Brigadoon wife.

Okay, so who, like me, knows absolutely

nothing about Princess Margaret?

- She's the queen's sister.
- I know that much.

- She's had affairs.
- [ALVIN] We can't do affairs.

- She drinks tea?
- She calls soccer "football"?

[POSH BRITISH ACCENT]
She talks like this.

So we're f*cked, is that
what you're telling me?

The show's in seven hours.

[MIDGE] Uh, excuse me, fellas.

You happen to have a
resident expert here.

Really? Midge to the rescue.

I love her. She's brassy.

Unencumbered by the crown. Kind of sexy.

Sounds a little like Ralph's impression.

- Can she be funny?
- In a skit?

I've got a couple ideas.

I'll work on those while you
guys do the monologue. Deal?

- Deal.
- Okay, guys, in one.

sh*t.

Sorry, Alvin.

Okay, guys. in one.

[LAUGHTER]

That was funny.

♪ ♪

Tip-top and cheerio.

It's The Gordon Ford Show.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Tonight's very special guest,

for the full hour, Her Royal Highness,

the Countess of Snowden,

Princess Margaret of Britain!

Princess Margaret?

What a score!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MIDGE] Hey, guys. Here again, huh?

One of the writers said
we were such good laughers,

he gave us an open invite to the show.

So we plan to be here every night.

Terrific. Which writer?

I don't know that you two
would have ever crossed paths.

- But could you point him out?
- Oh, shh-shh... shh.

[GORDON] Good evening, everybody.
You heard right, we have real, living

and breathing royalty
on the show tonight.

Yes, Princess Margaret.

Now, you may see some

sinister-looking men in
suits around the studio today.

Some of them are Princess
Margaret's security detail

and some of them are my agents.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
- Hey, you get chummy with my in-laws?

This sounds accusatory.

George Bernard Shaw said
that Britain and America

are two countries separated
by a common language.

I observe we're also
separated by an ocean.

Why do I never get the
accolades that Shaw gets?

[LAUGHTER]

Unfair.

And you know they have different
words for everything in the UK.

They call an elevator a lift.

They call an apartment a flat.

And today I learned
they actually call me

"I'm sorry, I don't believe
I've ever heard of you before."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, everybody, we're back
with Princess Margaret.

So, Your Royal Highness,
we're always fascinated

by the domestic routine
of the Royal Family.

Now, you're a newlywed.

[MURMURING, APPLAUSE]

I'm wondering, what's dinner for you?

- Do you cook?
- Oh, yes, I do cook, I'm a fabulous cook,

I cook every day.

It's one of two things
I'm most skilled at.

- What's the other?
- Lying.

[LAUGHTER]

- So you have cooks.
- I believe our cooks have cooks.

[LAUGHTER]

[GORDON] Now, I would
imagine that as a member

of the Royal Family, there isn't much

that you haven't been able to do.

- Is that true?
- [MARGARET] No, Gordon, it's not.

I've always had this dream

that has, up till now, gone unfulfilled.

[GORDON] Interesting. What is it?

I've always wanted to do a live
weather report on American television.

[LAUGHTER]

As luck would have it, it's time for

The Gordon Ford Show
nightly weather report.

Funny coincidence, that.

Now, would you like
to do it in my stead,

maybe fulfill that dream of yours?

I'd be delighted.

- Please.
- [APPLAUSE]

All right, you're all
set, Your Royal Highness.

Thank you.

Good evening, America.

This is Gordon Ford
with tonight's forecast.

That card is wrong,
I am not Gordon Ford.

Well, this was all so
spontaneous and impulsive,

we had no time to change the cue cards.

Well, we are not amused.

[GORDON] Well, we are very sorry.

On Tuesday, there will be
lots and lots of sunshine.

What is that? "Sunshine"?

Oh, well, it's where
the sun is out all day,

unimpeded by clouds.

I still have no idea
what you're talking about.

[LAUGHTER]

Out in the Rockaways, surf
conditions will be epic.

All you Gidgets and kooks
should expect some gnarly slides

as you hang ten and snake
those Jersey shoobies.

[LAUGHTER]

It's almost like you and your writers

just wanted to hear me say those words.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, that's impossible,
because we had no idea

you were going to do the forecast.

Excuse me, what are you doing there?

Just marking which states our
army should reinvade first.

[LAUGHTER]

[GORDON] Oh, not Massachusetts.
I have family there.

Oh, so do I, and they still
owe taxes on their tea.

[LAUGHTER]

Fine, take Massachusetts.

[APPLAUSE]

- Salud.
- Salud.

To a great night, team.

God, she k*lled. I mean,
the princess k*lled.

Damn, I'd love to see
the look on Paar's face

when he sees all the press tomorrow.

Did you hear who he had on against us?

Kukla, Fran and Ollie.

Puppets. He had puppets.

And I heard you could see
the g*dd*mn puppeteer's arm

sticking out of Kukla's ass.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Poor Kukla.

Oh, this is our Emmy,
guys. I can feel it.

This had the weight, this had the edge.

We got to get the
network into a campaign.

- First thing tomorrow.
- You know the news department called?

They are gobsmacked that we got her.

Huntley and Brinkley are humiliated.

Oh, God, that makes me so happy.

Eddie, drinks for the whole
house. Every person in here.

[CHEERING]

[ADAM] We did it.

Got to spend a penny. Maybe a nickel.

Keep the change, please.

[PATRONS CHATTING]

Hello.

Oh. Hello.

- I'm Hedy Ford.
- I know.

It's nice to officially meet you.

- Midge Maisel.
- I know.

I've been wanting to meet
you for quite some time.

Gordon's first lady writer.

First of many, perhaps.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, sure, things will be
completely different now.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

The princess was extremely
pleased with how it went tonight.

"Chuffed" was the word she used.

She k*lled. We were just saying.

She's not sure her sister's
going to be too thrilled,

which seemed to amuse
Margaret even more.

What would it have all been for

if we didn't ruffle
the queen's feathers?

I understand you wrote
the weather report bit.

I came up with the concept.
The boys helped make it funny.

- Don't.
- What?

Don't.

- Okay.
- If the credit's yours,

take it. If it's not, take
it. That's what the boys do.

Okay. Well, yeah.

The bit was mine.

Good. I'll be seeing you.

Oh, hey, how long have you
been working with Susan?

Susan?

Myerson. She's your manager, isn't she?

Ah, Susie. Uh, going on three years now.

I was her first client.

I bet she's done well by you.

She's always been
tenacious. A real fighter.

I know, I've had to
hold her back from a few.

I-I'm still catching up
here. H-How do you know her?

Pembroke, class of
' . We were roommates.

She never mentioned that.

Well... you know Susan. [CHUCKLES]

- Yes. I know Susan.
- [GORDON] Hedy!

Coming. He worries when I talk
to writers. And architects.

Keep up the good work.

And with Susan in your corner,

I'd say you're going places, cutie.

- See you.
- Yes. See you.

- There she is.
- Hey.

- Miss me?
- No.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

Hey, what the hell are you doing here?

Dinah gave me your train
info. You were in Baltimore?

Had to hold James's hand a bit.

We had a little miscommunication.

- What are you...
- You know Hedy Ford?

What are you talking about?

You knew her when she
was Hedy... Not-Ford.

- You met Hedy?
- She came up to me at the bar,

told me you were friends in college.

We weren't friends.

- She says you were roommates.
- Maybe.

Maybe you were roommates?
You didn't notice?

There were like ten, to a room.

- Susie.
- College is big, okay?

You can't know everyone
you went to college with.

She calls you Susan.

No one calls you Susan.

What is this, an ambush?

I'm tired. Can we talk in the morning?

Why didn't you tell me?

I don't tell you about
everybody I've met in my life.

Stop it.

[SUITCASE CLUNKS]

I knew her a little, okay?

And you didn't think it
was worth maybe mentioning

that you knew my boss's very
influential wife, even a little?

Hey, don't believe anything
she said to you, okay?

Was she bad-mouthing me?

She said you were tenacious.

Well, she's getting her money's
worth on that English degree.

And that you were a fighter.

Anyone who's ever walked
into the Gaslight knows that.

So fight for me, Susie.

- Talk to her.
- Wait a minute.

She has sway with Gordon.

More than anyone, more than Mike Carr,

- she's our way in.
- No.

Tell her to tell Gordon to book me.

We don't need her, okay? I got this.

How have you "got" this?

I got this.

That's how I got this.
We are making progress.

Toward what, another brick wall?

- That is not fair.
- It's not.

You've worked your ass off, Susie,
and I've done everything you said.

I-I've stayed sharp.
I've been a good soldier,

I bat a thousand at work
every day, and he notices.

It would make so much sense
for him to give me a sh*t,

but he will not be moved.

That f*cking brick wall
keeps hitting us both

smack in the face.

It's two steps forward,

three steps back, and I'm tired of it.

So am I.

But what do you do about the Gordons

and the Petes and all the f*cking men

that run the f*cking world?

You go around them.

You use whatever you can
and you stop at nothing.

Guess who taught me that.

This is not enough, do you understand?

Call me selfish, but I want more.

This, what we're doing,

what these last three years have been,

this is not a story to
tell my grandchildren.

This is not just a chapter.

- Who said it was just a chapter?
- You stormed into a bathhouse

- and hopped over dicks to get James that movie.
- Yeah?

Well, I want you to
hop over dicks for me.

Oh, I have hopped over plenty
of dicks for you, Missy.

For three years, I've done
nothing but hop over dicks.

Well, you got one more d*ck to hop over.

Talk to Hedy.

- No.
- Why?

Just stop and think, okay?

Do you really want to make
it by having me call in

a favor to some chick
I went to college with?

Yes. Of course. Have
you not been listening?

After all the hard work you've done?

This is how you want to get your break?

Oh, my God, yes.
Who cares how it happens?

Look, picture yourself in ten years.

You are a big star,
you're on a talk show,

and the guy asks you
how you got your start.

You don't want to say you had to call in

a favor from your manager.

I'm not going to be on that
show if you don't do this.

This is it, Susie.

Talk to her.

If you don't, I'll always
know there's something

you could've done and you didn't.

And honestly?

I don't know where we go from there.

Thank you.

Arthur, you're gonna have
some wine, aren't you?

Of course I'm going to.
If you pour it, I'll...

- Gabe.
- Abe.

- You know Arthur?
- Hi, Abe.

- Arthur.
- This is Henry.

- Pleasure.
- Henry.

We've been debating what to
drink for ten minutes now.

You're debating, I'm drinking.

[GABE] Doesn't count if
you brought it from home.

Ha ha. I didn't.

- I figured as much.
- [HENRY] Can you recommend a red wine

without using the words
"tannic" or "fruit-forward"?

Henry, don't t*rture the young man.

Abe, are you in for some red?

I think I'll skip. I have a
lot of work to do tomorrow.

Abe, the Village Voice does
not encourage employee sobriety.

In fact, it thrives on
its employee's crapulence.

Now drink, damn it, or you are fired.

An underused word,
"crapulence." For a reason.

There's a hostile mood
at this table tonight.

Wine is good. Wine is fine.

[HENRY] We'll have this Bordeaux here,
the ' Château Margaux.

Very good, sir. That's an acidic wine,

a bit angular for some.

Are you trying to k*ll me?

Bring the wine and I will muzzle Henry.

Stop it, Henry.

- [HENRY] What?
- Really, I'll have you removed.

I sold my place in the Hamptons.

The Montauk spread? When?

Last year. I was tired of the upkeep,

and the property values out there,
they're not going up anytime soon.

Or ever. There's nothing out there.

- Exactly.
- [GABE] Hey, did you see Princess Margaret

on Gordon Ford? She was hysterical.

- [ARTHUR] You're kidding.
- [HENRY] Queen Victoria was supposedly a hoot.

[ARTHUR] I never knew that.

I saw that movie, it was delightful.

[GABE] The Absent-Minded Professor?

[HENRY] With the flying car? That movie?

At Radio City. I'm a
huge Fred MacMurray fan.

[GABE] Tell me you
were with a grandchild.

It seems like pablum, but
Fred MacMurray elevates it.

[HENRY] I don't even think
Fred MacMurray's family

is that into Fred MacMurray.

[HENRY] I ignore them
now. Birthdays. No point.

[GABE] Have you forgotten
the little boy in you, Henry?

Gifts are the point.

[ARTHUR] I can't remember the
last time I got a gift I liked.

[ARTHUR CHUCKLES]

So, Abe, before you
got here, I was raving

about your conversational
skills to Arthur and Henry.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I've been such a drip.

Was it because Gabe said "crapulence"?

Yes, that was upsetting.

No, I'm...

Abe?

It's just the whole
g*dd*mn world. You know?

- Only that?
- Ah, I'm getting maudlin.

What about the world, Abe?

I've just turned .

And at a time when I should
be comfortable, settled

in body, in mind... I'm not.

At all. I suddenly find
myself at a crossroads.

And everything feels upside down.

That's because everything is changing

at such an ungodly pace, Abe.

Especially for men our age.

- Men our age...
- [ARTHUR] We were born in the s.

A different century.

Before phones, before radio.

My parents' house had no
electricity till I was seven.

One can't keep up.

Yes, and it's physiological
as much it is psychological.

h*m* sapiens crawled along,
playing the same roles

for tens and tens of thousands of years,

and now, suddenly, we're forced to adapt

to this rapid-fire change.

More change in a year
than our predecessors

experienced in a
lifetime, in a millennium.

Think about it. Change,
to our predecessors,

were sudden exogenous events:

earthquakes, floods, an eclipse,

a saber-toothed tiger
lunging at you out of nowhere.

They were things to be
dealt with, in the moment.

Then things naturally
reverted back to the norm.

But now...

change happens over you.

Change itself is the flood,
change itself is the saber-toothed.

Change itself is the norm.

My fear, though, is that the
world is as it always was,

and I just didn't see it.

That a lot of us didn't see it. Us men.

I had a feeling we'd
get gender-specific.

I'm serious. We can't
blame exogenous events.

It's too easy.

Our collective blindness
has caused a lot of harm.

We controlled so much, meddled so much,

and to what end?

- That's one man's perception.
- [GABE] Exactly.

And perception is tricky.

We all interpret through
the lens of ourselves.

Man and woman. That's natural.

That we must have shared
with the hunter-gatherers.

[WAITER] Menus, gentlemen.

The fish tonight is a Dover
sole prepared one of two ways:

traditional meunière or a
citrus beurre blanc sauce.

[GABE] Thank you. I've
had the Dover sole before.

It's terrific.

[ARTHUR] You know, I had
a moment the other day.

I-I live in this big old
apartment on Amsterdam.

Bought it decades ago,
everyone thought I was crazy,

all that money, now
I look like a genius.

- [LAUGHTER]
- And my wife and I, she-she's passed,

we-we spent countless hours
outfitting it, decorating it.

We took such pride,
everything in the right place.

And one day, not that long ago,

I stood in the living
room and looked around,

and all I saw... was stuff.

Just stuff.

It was the strangest feeling.

As if I'd never seen any of it before.

And so much of it was tied
to the memory of my wife.

We were together years,
but it didn't matter.

All I could picture was my children
picking through it all,

choosing what to keep,
what to sell, what to...

throw in the trash heap.

My life.

My wife.

In piles. [GASPS]

It was a warm day, but I
suddenly felt very cold.

[GABE] Look, I believe in free will.

We are not robots. We can
change. For the better.

We do adapt.

And sometimes what others
perceive as meddling, Abe,

is actually teaching.

You were a teacher most of your life.

We pass along our
knowledge. That's natural.

[HENRY] My son. Bright boy.

Warned me again and again
that I was smothering him.

I thought I was guiding him.

Then he moved out, he stopped calling.

He stopped...

We teach, yes, but we foist.

I certainly do.

I think I emerged from my
mother's womb giving advice

on how to deal with the umbilical cord.

I'm having one of your moments, Arthur.

I'm seeing the piles of my life,

and they're foreign to me.

[GABE] This is about your family, right?

You tried to help. You tried to guide.

Mistakes were made.
Everybody makes mistakes.

- I don't like this wine.
- [ABE] Everything I thought

about the roles of men and women

I think is completely wrong.

I have done exactly the wrong thing

for both my children.

- No, Abe. Not true.
- [ABE] You know...

my daughter owns the
apartment I'm living in?

I thought you bought
it. Didn't you say that?

My wife came up with
that, our cover story.

No, my daughter bought it.

My daughter...

My daughter was dumped by
her husband, out of nowhere.

That was her saber-toothed.

Instead of collapsing from the weight,

she emerged stronger.

A new person, so I thought.

But now I think...

perhaps that was who she was all along.

I never really took her seriously.

My son Noah I took seriously.

I would take him to
Columbia with me every week

so he could dream of what he could be.

I don't remember if I
ever did that for Miriam.

I don't think it ever occurred to me.

And as unfathomable as this
career choice of hers is,

she's doing it on her own.

With no help from me or her mother.

Where did this come from?

This strength, this fearlessness that...

that I never had.

That my poor son never had.

What could she have
been if I had helped her

and not ignored her,
ignored who she really is?

My daughter is a remarkable person,

and I don't think I've
ever said that to her.

We should probably order.

Excuse me, I think we're ready.

[ARTHUR] H-How is
your chicken prepared?

[WAITER] It is lightly
seasoned, sage-rubbed,

and stuffed with the finest foie
gras from the Dordogne Valley.

[HENRY] He had to ask.

It's been what, two years?
Are you trying to avoid us?

John's been on the road since Christmas.

All work and no play, Johnny.

- How's the gallery?
- Hopping.

You should drop in. Lots of new stuff.

- What time do you open?
- We, um...

We open at : , but I
usually swing in around noon.

Come then. Uh, I have a
piece by Helen Frankenthaler

that I think you are going to love.

- We'll see you then.
- Bye, Hedy.

Ciao, you two.

Well... I must say I'm
surprised to see you.

Well, I'm full of surprises.

- I'm happy that you're...
- I got business for Mrs. Gordon Ford.

That's me.

- Get my girl on the show.
- I'm sorry, what?

Midge Maisel. She's a comedian.

And she needs a break.
And she needs it now.

And you want me to talk to Gordon?

Yes. As a favor to me,

I would like you to talk to Gordon.

[HEDY] Hmm.

She's a good writer.
Is she a good comedian?

She's ready.

- You really believe in this girl.
- I do.

Is it more than that?

Look, Gordon doesn't do
everything I ask of him.

- But I will do what I can.
- And you'll do it soon?

- I will do it soon.
- Tonight?

He's out tonight. And I may
not see him till morning.

Hmm. Quite the fairy tale, you two.

- So, first thing tomorrow?
- Yes, first thing tomorrow.

This was hard, wasn't it?

What you just did.

♪ Over hill, over dale... ♪

- Hi, Midge.
- Hello, Trudy.

Hello, Dorie, can I stash
my purse with you today?

I worry when you don't.

♪ In and out, hear them shout ♪

♪ Countermarch and right about ♪

Morning, Hedy.

♪ And the caissons go rolling along ♪

Good morning, Midge.

♪ Then it's hi, hi, hee ♪

♪ In the field a*tillery ♪

♪ Shout out your orders loud and clear ♪

♪ More beer! ♪

[KNOCKS]

Hey. What are you doing here?

I have a request.

- Did my mother get to you?
- No. Why?

She wants us at Thanksgiving this year.

Oh, she says that every year
after she gets drunk and cries

that no one complimented her turkey.

We avoided it for three
years. Pretty good run.

Having notice helps.

So, what's up?

You know, occasionally I swan in here

in a fabulous new necklace
and suggest a thing or two

I think you should do.

Occasionally, yes.

And I often take those suggestions
and compliment the necklace.

I want you to book
Midge Maisel on the show.

- Midge? No.
- Yes.

Hedy, come on. You know we have a rule.

That was George's rule, Gordon,
then it became your rule.

Good God, you have no idea
why you have this rule.

You read "The Lottery,"
you see what happens when

there are traditions for no
reason, people get stoned.

Drop the damn rule.

Okay, why the screed?

That wasn't a screed. Book her.

What am I missing here?

She's easy on the eyes, isn't she?

You have eyes.

- Okay, what's the angle here?
- Angle is, I'm asking you to do this.

- Telling me, you mean.
- Strongly asking you to do this.

Why? Why should I do this?

[SIGHS]

Because you owe me.

This is how you're gonna play this?

This is new for us, Hedy.

I appreciate this, Gordon. Really, I do.

[♪ FREDERICK LOEWE:
"HOW TO HANDLE A WOMAN" ♪]

♪ How to handle a woman ♪

- [PHONE RINGS]
- ♪ "There's a way," said the wise old man... ♪

[DORIE] The Gordon Ford Show.

Okay, yes. H-Hold on.

- Midge! Phone! It's important!
- ♪ Since the whole rigamarole began ♪

Yes? Where?

♪ Do I flatter her?
I begged him answer ♪

I'm leaving now.

- ♪ Do I thr*aten or cajole or plead? ♪
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- Hold the elevator, hold the elevator.
- ♪ Do I brood or play the gay romancer? ♪

♪ Said he smiling, "No, indeed" ♪

♪ How to handle a woman? ♪

♪ Mark me well, I will tell you, sir ♪

♪ The way to handle a woman ♪

♪ Is to love her ♪

♪ Simply love her ♪

♪ Merely love her ♪

♪ Love her, love her ♪

[♪ STEALERS WHEEL: "STAR" ♪]

♪ So they made you a star ♪

♪ Now your head's in the cloud ♪

♪ Now you're walking down the street ♪

♪ With your feet off the ground ♪

♪ They read in the press ♪

♪ All about your success ♪

♪ You believe every
word you've been told ♪

♪ After all you've been through ♪

♪ Tell me what you will do ♪

♪ When you find yourself
out in the cold ♪

♪ Ah, tell me ♪

♪ Ah, tell me ♪

♪ When you appear on the stage ♪

♪ There's a standing ovation ♪

♪ You really live
out your performance ♪

♪ You're the biggest sensation ♪

♪ You reach through the door ♪

♪ And then you take the floor ♪

♪ You expect to have
it all to yourself ♪

♪ After all you've been through ♪

♪ Tell me, what will you do ♪

♪ When you find yourself
back on the shelf? ♪

♪ Ah, tell me ♪

♪ Ah, tell me ♪