11x23 - Off-Off-Off-Off Broadway

[bunniefuu]

in the sky

a piece of the pie

in the kitchen

on the grill

in the big leagues

it's you and me, baby

with that

in the sky

a piece of the pie

I can't believe it.

The government
is not coming through

with the money
for our Disabled Youth
Services Program.

Oh, no.

Well, we just
have to think

about another way
to raise the money.

Let's see...

Oh, we could have
a bake sale.

I remember the
last bake sale.

We lost $ and
gained pounds.

Well, what about
another raffle?

We lost more money on
that than we
did on the bake sale.

Well, a swap meet?

We gave away all of the
good stuff at the raffle.

I hate to be a
pessimist, Louise,

but I think we've
hit rock bottom.

Damn!

Excuse me.
I have an update.

I see by the look
on your faces you
already heard the bad news.

Boy, what a loss
to mankind!

Yes, George,
you're sure right.

We had such great
things planned for
those poor kids.

Poor kids?
I'm talking about a
real loss to mankind.

Big Sal from Big Sal's
Pasta Barrel restaurants?
I lost his account.

George! You can't compare
a few spaghetti-soaked
tablecloths

to our Disabled Youth
Services Program.

That's right.
They don't belong
in the same sentence.

Thank you.

You're welcome.
Now enough about
this Help Center jive.

I've got a
problem.

I can't argue with that.

The problem with my
business is that
I don't advertise enough.

Well, it would seem to
me, then,

that what you should
do is advertise more.

Have you been going to
night school
behind my back?

George, I'm no expert,
but I have two
suggestions.

And they are?

Advertise more.
And?

Leave us alone.

Okay, but don't you
come to me with
a problem.

The problem is,
it costs money to
advertise.

Well, leaving us
alone is free.

Come on, Mr. Bentley,
now don't be shy.

Hi, everybody.
Hello!

Guess what Mr. Bentley's
been doing?

Well, from the happy
look on your face,

he must have been
feeding you.

Even better!

Now, Mr. Willis,
don't build it up
too high.

He's been doing the funniest
impressions I have ever seen

in my entire life,
bar none.

Really, I think you're raising
the expectation level
a bit too much.

Oh, now come on, this
is hilarious stuff.

My stomach hurts
from laughing.

Uh, Tom, we're not
exactly in the
mood to laugh.

I'm sorry.
We just found out
our funding

for the Disabled Youth
Program has been cut off.

What better time for a
little mirth and levity?

Now, come on, Louise,
sit down over there.

Helen, please sit down.

Oh, come on, Georgie.
Sit over here.

Now the beauty of this is
that these impressions...

He does them
in Russian!

Know what'd be better?
If he did them in Russia!

Uh, come on, Mr. Bentley.
Give us a little of that

suave Soviet Cary Grant?

Well, uh, you've
talked me into it.

Yudy. Yudy. Yudy.

Wasn't he wonderful?

Oh, and wait. It gets better.
There's more. Oh, Mr. Bentley.

Do the
Mondale-Reagan debates.

Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, that's boring.

Uh, do Rich Little
doing Frank Sinatra
playing the Kremlin.

All right.
Oh, wait a minute.

There's an even
better one. Do Porky Pig
in Russian!

Do svidanya,folks.

Isn't he... He...
Uh...

Gee, it was hysterical
when the Russian
ambassador's wife did it.

Oh, my God.
Perhaps it wasn't
an impression.

Get out of here,
Bentley.

This ain't no talent show.

Oh, wait a minute!

What a great idea!
A talent show!

Oh, Mr. Bentley,
would you be willing
to do this onstage?

What, get thrown out?
No! Your Russian impressions.

Well...
Oh, we need talent
like yours.

Oh, I wish I could
persuade you.
You've twisted my arm.

Oh, it'll be great.
We can invite
all the kids.

I could make
some costumes.
Helen, you could sing...

And Willis could
be a barn.

George, if you don't
have anything
constructive to say...

Oh, I have something
constructive to say.

Who the hell is
gonna pay
to see this junk?

You're just jealous
because you don't
have a talent.

I have a talent.
I can make a man
disappear. Watch this.

Abracadabra.

But don't mind him.

This will be one
of the greatest talent
shows of all times.

I'm a Russki doodle dandy.
Russki doodle do or die.

You dirty rat.

Oh, Mr. Weedermeyer,
I'm sorry, but
we already have someone

who does
famous impressions
in Russian.

Look, buster, I don't know
what you just said,
but the same to you.

You still wasting
time on that
talent show thing?

Oh, yes, dear.
But what have you
been up to?

Something constructive.
Listen.

how I love it
how I love it

Oh, so you're doing
Gershwin for the
talent show?

I'm not doing nothing
for no talent show.

This is my
advertising campaign.

see a load of clothes so...

Come on, Weezy. Sing.

I love you

That's exactly what I've been
wondering, George.
Why I love you.

Hi, my name is...

Bert Reynolds of
Bert Reynolds'
Talent PlusTV show.

So you know me?

Know you? I love you!

Aren't you nice?

Bert Reynolds, huh?

Are you any relation?
To who?

To the real Burt Reynolds,
the good-looking one.

No, I spell it the
right way. B-E-R-T.

Mrs. Jefferson, as you know,
Bert Reynolds means
"star-maker".

I don't know. I feel
we in show-biz have
an obligation to do

more than
merely entertain.

I feel we have a
civic duty to help
others, too.

Then you heard about
our talent show?

Call it kismet,
but one of your
flyers got stuck on

the bottom of my
shoe on the subway.

Bottom line,
I'd like to offer
my services

free of charge as
emcee of your little
presentation.

That's wonderful!

I know.

And here's the
icing on the cake.

Whoever wins your talent
show will then get to be

a special guest
on my TV show.

This is unbelievable.
You're right.

He's just as nutty
as you are.

Nutty for talent.

And not only will the
winner get to perform,

he or she will get five
free minutes of air time

to talk about his
or her favorite cause!

Oh, my God!

Whoop-dee-do.

You know, my show
reaches a home audience
of over eight million people.

Did you hear that, George?
George, did you hear?

No. No, I didn't
hear anything, Weez.

I was just thinking.
You know this talent show
thing of yours could be

the most worthwhile
thing you've ever done.

What are you saying?
You're going to
participate?

Participate?
I'm gonna win!

when clothes are filthy

Good evening, everybody!
I'm Bert Reynolds.
The star-maker!

Aren't you nice?
Aren't you nice?

As you can see,
tonight I'm not

coming to you from
my usual stage.

That's right because
tonight I'm live
and on location!

And what a dazzling
location this is.

A lovely multi-purpose
room of the neighborhood
Help Center!

Come on, you're going
to spoil me now.

You know I'd love
to take you all home
with me, but

I don't think you're
going to fit in the cab.

That's it, let's get on
with a fantastic show.

Starting out with
our beautiful,
super-talent,

Wilbur the Whistling Gnome!

The show's already started.
Where the heck is he?

I'm no musician.
I hired him to
cover for me.

If he doesn't show up,
I'm going to look
like a fool.

Look, I go on
in five minutes.

Please, find him
and tell him to
get down here!

Thank you.

Who are you yelling at?

Oh, uh, that
was information.

It's like talking
to a machine.

You know, George,
I'm so glad you

decided to be on
the show after all.

Yeah, Weez,
it's a pleasure to share

the same bill with
Wilbur the
Whistling Gnome.

Wilbur the Whistling Gnome!
Isn't he special?
Thank you!

Isn't he special?
Yes, he is.

George,
I'm dying of curiosity.
What's your surprise talent?

If I tell you
that, it won't be
a surprise, Weez.

You're right. Besides,
any talent you showed
me would be a surprise.

Thanks a lot.

And now, with a
little bit of
social commentary,

and a whole lot of...
Here they
are, the Help Centerettes!

the joint I could see you
were a man of distinction

good lookin', so refined

know what's goin'
on in my mind

to the point

for every guy I see

a dime on me!

I don't care what
you say, look,

you tell you-know-who
to get his you-know-what
to the you-know-where.

You two, shut up.

Oh, look at them,
Mr. J.
They're wonderful.

Right. They can go right
from here to circus side-show.

Just listen to
that applause!

Listen to those cheers!
Oh, it makes you feel
wonderful, doesn't it?

Oh, come on, Helen.
I'm sure some of
it was for you.

I don't know how
anybody can follow
that act,

but our next star is
certainly going to give it
the old college try.

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for
Mr. George Jefferson!

I'm not ready yet.
I need Inspiration.

Here, take them.
Oh, Pepi and Popi
the Mimes.

Pepi and Popi the Mimes.

And are they just!

And now, the act that
I know I've been waiting
for all night long,

ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. George Jefferson!

George. George.
They're waiting for you.

I'm not ready yet, Willis.
Why don't you go?

No. No, but they're out there.
The applause, the people,

the lights...
What am I saying?

Out of the way, Bentley!
My audience awaits me!

Mr. George Jefferson...
I mean, Mr. Tom Willis!

Mr. Willis will be
favoring us with a
slide show tonight

entitled Las cocinas
marvillosas de Espana.

The marvelous
kitchens of Spain!

Thank you, thank you.
Or should I say gracias,
international food lovers.

The first slide, please?

Now, the first charming
Spanish eatery we encountered
was just outside Barcelona.

Or as we say in
Castilian, "Barthelona".

Oh, they made
a mean paella!

Look, I don't want
to hear any two-bit
explanations!

I paid him to be
here, and I want him
to be here!

Hey, I'm here.
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Goodbye.

Where the hell
have you been?

Hey, I'm sorry, man.
My wife's
having a baby

and like we got
stuck in traffic.

She almost had
it in the Honda...

Look, forget it.
Now, this is what
we're going to do.

Now, I'm going go out there
and I'm going to
pretend that I'm playing.

You stand behind the
curtain and whatever
I blow you blow.

Hey, dad. You blow
hot, I blow hot.

You blow cool,
I blow cool. We're
happening, baby.

Are you on something?

It's gonna be cool, dude.

Yeah, sure.

Who's onstage?

It's Mr. Willis
and he's heaven.

Well, get him off there.
I'm ready.

Oh, he's not done yet.
Oh, arroz con pollo.
Goody.

And now, moving in to
the north of Spain,
we found this delightful...

Tacos, enchiladas,
and Doritos.

Wait a minute...
Get out. I'm ready to go on.

What are you doing here?

Look, you're suppose
to always leave
them wanting more, right?

Well, yes.
But... My hat!
My hat!

And now, I'd like to
introduce you to the world's
greatest flutist. It's me!

Psst! Psst!

For my first selection...
I think we've got a problem.

Just shut up and play.

And my first selection
is a merry little tune

that will bring
to mind

birds in springtime.

And the
name of this sweet
little melody,

sweeter than the flowers,
is entitled...

What is it entitled?
BOBBY: Trombones.

Trombones.
As you've never
heard it before.

A one, two, three...

I get paid double scale
for appearing, dude.

I ain't paying nothing.
Not only did you
mess up my act

but you're
trombones short!

Hey, you can talk
about me, but don't
talk about my horn.

Get off the stage.
Get out of here!

Hey, man!

Hey, dig this, man!
They're laughing.

Go with it.
Go with it!

Thank you!
Thank you!

I can tell by your
laughter and applause

that you loved
my act.

I'd like to say
I choreographed
the whole song

and I also directed
the fight moves.

This guy just came
in the last day. Bye.

Thank you.

Georgie, they love ya.
And so do I.

That was one of the
funniest comedy bits
I've seen in my lifetime.

Thank you, Bert.

George, you won that
trophy dishonestly.

I hope you're happy
with yourself.

You're a great loser, Weez.
I thought you were going
to be jealous.

Well, you're
the big winner.

What charitable organization
are you planning to
talk about on my show?

My favorite charity.
Jefferson Cleaners.

Oh.

Oh, no, he's going to
talk about the Disabled
Youth Services Program

at the Help Center.

Oh, come on, Weez.
I won this thing
fair and square.

You won with a
phony trombonist.

But it was genuine comedy.
Right, Bert?

I don't get involved in
talent disputes.

But that doesn't mean
I don't love ya both.

George, this takes the cake.
Right, and the trophy too.

It's a beauty,
ain't it?

Hey, Wilbur, you were great.
Hey, you were great, too.

Hey, can you whistle
The Star-Spangled Banner?

Sure.

It sounds better with lips.

Hey, you two
were great too.

You know?
Only thing, you should work
more on your dialogue.

Your dialogue.
You're mimes. Right?

I get it.
I get it.

But if you want
my sister to,

you have to speak a
little slower.

Okay, read my lips.
You were great.

She is reading your lips.

What?
Pepi is deaf.

Oh, I'm sorry. I really didn't know.

She's a student at the
Disabled Youth
Services Program.

Oh.

Is she a friend
of yours?

I'm her teacher.
Believe it or not,

whistling through my navel,
that's just a sideline.

See ya, George.

Hey, wait, um...
Oh...

I wanted him to
tell her that I
enjoyed her act.

You can tell me.
I can read lips.

Oh. You're very good.

This means "thank you."

Oh, this means "thank you"?

And this means...

I'm so glad that you
won a spot on
the TV show,

because people liked
you so much.

I think you'll be a
fantastic spokesperson
for the program.

Thank you. I mean...

Are you sure you
have enough,
Mr. Willis?

For the moment, yes.

You know,
if our act
was just a

little bit better,
we could be making our
television debut right after

station identification.

I think the problem with
my act...

The problem with my act was
there weren't enough
gauchos in the audience.

The problem with your
act was that
there weren't enough

gluttons in the
audience.

Well, I think the problem
with my act

was that there weren't
enough Russians in
the audience.

I still can't believe
that they didn't like
my Russian Marlon Brando.

You know...

Sonya!

Oh, Bert's back on!
Oh, you'd better hurry up!

It's time
for the interview!

Come on, George.
You're missing the
whole thing.

Shh! Weezy's coming on.

Bert, this is
Pepi the Mime.

She'll be interpreting
my speech for the
hearing-impaired.

Pepi and I would like
to begin by
thanking George Jefferson

for giving us this time
to talk about
the Help Center.

Anyone who's ever met
my husband knows how
much this means,

because he's the
world's biggest ham.

But he felt, as Pepi
and I feel,

that your viewers need
to know about our program.

You know, for a weasel,
you're a pretty nice guy.

I know that
means "thank you."

But what's does
the rest of it mean?

It means, "Thank you.
Shut up.

"Change the channel,
it's time for
Monday Night Football."