18x08 - Stan Fixes a Shingle

Episode transcripts for the TV show "American Dad!". Aired: February 6, 2005 –; present.*
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Series focuses on the eccentric upper middle class Smith family in the fictional community of Langley Falls, Virginia and their four housemates.
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18x08 - Stan Fixes a Shingle

Post by bunniefuu »

Some Cheerios, little bit of Kix,

a ton of Bran flakes

since nobody's gonna miss this garbage.

[GROANS] Is it my hangover,

or does it smell like ass in here?

You're smelling my entry for
the young entrepreneurs contest.

Winning will make colleges
super horny for me.

Steve, you don't have to go to college.

You can just buy the sweatshirts.

I mean this one has my vomit on it,
but you get the idea.

My product is homemade ethanol

people can use instead of gas.

Okay, have fun.

Mommy's gonna go pass out
in the bathtub.

Oh, can you sign
this parental supervision form?

Principal Lewis promises
he won't use your signature

to steal your identity this time.

Isn't this parent stuff
usually Stan territory?

You're my parent as much as him, right?

Probably more.

I'll give it the ol' John Handycock.

- What's next?
- Nothing.

You can go back
to nursing your hangover.

All right. Parenting accomplished.

Now to accomplish some electrician-ing.

Mom, I really don't think you should...

Steve, I have an electrical
engineering sweatshirt from MIT.


Mom, are you okay?!

Let's find out.


Oh, my God, I think
my wrist is pregnant.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪


♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪


Ow! What the hell?!

It's me, Stan.

And I'm finally fixing
that dang shingle!

No way!

This I got to see!

After years of procrastination,

this pesky shingle shall be fixed.

The shingle. Fixed.

I never thought this day would come.

When our grandchildren ask
where you were at this moment,

you can say you were
slightly in the way.

It's a big day for me, too, actually.

Steve chose me to be
the parental supervisor

for his school project.

Oh, Francine, Steve only chose you

because he knows
you won't challenge him.

What do you mean?

Well, it's like I'm the tough teacher

and you're the easy "a".

The "a" is for absentee parent.

[LAUGHS] Oh, Stan,
jealousy is a terrible look on you.

[LAUGHS] Okay, you go "supervise" then.

Ha, ha, ha!

Okay, I will.


Hey, watch it!

Where are you numbskulls
off to in such a rush?

Like anyone with a pulse,
Francine, the three of us

are huge fans of iconic
watermelon-smashing comedian,

- Gallagher.
- Isn't Gallagher d*ad?

What? No. Are you crazy?

So when we heard the G-man's tour bus

was passing through town,
of course we dropped

everything to cheer him on!

I was supposed to have an
emergency appendectomy.

Who cares! We're wasting time!

To the street corner
where Gallagher's tour bus

will briefly pass by!

Prepare to be supervised!

That's basically
another word for "help."

I looked it up.

Oh, no, my ethanol
isn't fermenting right.

There should be carbon dioxide bubbles

coming out of the airlock.

[GROANS] Why aren't you bubbling?!

Bubbles are easy.

We'll just blow into the jug with

a big ol' straw, or...

I got this, Mom.

You can get back to doing,
honestly, anything else

besides helping me. Dealer's choice.

But I want to help.

But you already signed
my supervision form,

and you clicked the pen closed.

You must be exhausted.

Let me help, or I rip this up.

Ugh. Fine.

Oh! I know some work
that would keep you busy.

You could help me
by hammering this entire

box of nails into an old wood block.

And the nail hammering is for?

The ethanol.

- To make it?
- Better?

And making the ethanol better

will help you win your contest.


Then I better get to work!

Man, is there anything
better than waiting

for a comedian to drive by you on a bus?

But Gallagher's hours late.

I hope he's okay.

Your watch stopped two weeks ago, babe.

Phew, I thought time stopped.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

He has arrived.


There he goes,
off to Massapequa, Long Island,

to dazzle his next crowd
at Chucklez comedy club.

JEFF: Look, the bus
pooped out a suitcase!

Gallagher's famous mallet.

Oh, no! We have to get it

back to him so he can smash melons

and make the world a better place!

Hey, Stan! Shingle's looking great!

I can see why this is
such an important part

of whatever it is Steve's doing.

KLAUS: Oh, don't blame this on Francine.

You promised me free ethanol
for the Second-Base Mobile.

That's what I'm calling my truck now.

There is no ethanol.
It's not fermenting right.

And Mom's down there driving me crazy.

I specifically asked her to supervise

because I wanted to do it alone.

- But she's the one

hammering nails into wood
to make the ethanol better.

- Didn't that work?
- Why would that work?

It's obviously busy work
to keep her away

from my real project.


So let's keep Mom hammering away.

'Cause if she gets any more involved,

she'll turn my project into a freakin'

"I Love Lucy" episode.

Totally. Everything will be
in black and white.

So boring.

I can't believe Steve
thinks so little of me.

But if I could get his jug
bubbling for him,

then he'd think so lot of me!

Hmm, all right.


Bottles don't bubble 'til you open them!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!








Resistance is futile, shingle.


My baby! What happened to you?


I've been out of town
the last eight hours.

What did I miss?

Oh, yeah? Where'd you go?



- Mom.
- I was trying to help!

You ruined my ethanol,

and now I have no product
for my contest!

I don't have a comeback to that!

- You're winning this fight!

Smells like a party down there!

I vote we switch topics
to whatever the hell

Klaus is talking about.


I'm talking about this beer, baby!

That isn't beer, Klaus.

You must be smelling
my shattered dreams.

Oh, no, I admit I'm terrible
at many, many,

many many, many, many things,

but my nose is never wrong.

And I know just the dudes to prove it.

Steve and Francine, meet my beer boys!

I met them in an uber pool
and joined their

trivia team at the Brew pub.

We always cheat.

Please skip ahead to
anything at all relevant.

Fine, I guess we're in a big rush.

Tony the Tongue is an expert taster.

This is definitely beer.

And Meg here can gauge the
alcohol content of any beer

by how it affects her motor skills.

Feeling loose.

Everyone's getting more attractive.

Thinking about calling my ex.


[LAUGHS] Over % alcohol.

My project turned into beer? How?

That's a question for the Professor,

a beer nerd who got fired
from Dow Chemical

for being constantly drunk.

If my calculations are correct,

wild yeast on this dirty laundry

altered the fermentation process,

turning this liquid into beer.

English please, Einstein!

What he said is
I didn't ruin your project,

I made beer!

Beer was already invented, Mom!

I'm never gonna win that contest,

and it's all your fault!

Well, I screwed up parenting.

Back to wondering if that
guy was the security guard

that threw me out of Best
Buy a few years back.

- I was.
- Knew it. Now lets get t*nk.

- [THUD]
- Careful, babe!

We gotta get Gallagher his
hammer back in one piece!

Maybe it'd be safer if
I just held the mallet.

Whoa. Should we smash
some fruit with this bad boy?

I mean, we're holding Thor's hammer.

We got to take it out for a spin.

How we doing on time, Jeff?

We're five hours away,
and Gallagher's show

isn't 'til tomorrow, so,
how much hours is night?

We got time.

I'll just do a quick search
of nearby fruit stores, and...

Wait. Who says this thing
can only smash fruits?

I'm suggesting we smash other things.

- Oh!
- Oh!


What's this weird feeling?

I'm not hungover!


I got completely loaded
on that beer last night,

but I feel great.

♪ I have a new feeling,
my head isn't pounding ♪

♪ A brand new sensation,
on which I'm expounding ♪

♪ No dry mouth, no dry heaves ♪

♪ No vomiting blunders ♪

♪ I'm not hungover ♪

♪ I'm g*n! ♪

Is "g*n" even a word?

Opposite of a hangover.
Don't overthink it.

♪ I'm not sweating through bras ♪

♪ And my thinking's not flawed ♪

♪ Not hugging a toilet,
making fake deals with God ♪

♪ Not under the covers,
with brain torn asunder ♪

♪ I'm not hungover ♪

♪ I'm g*n! ♪

♪ The sun's my warm buddy,
not mortal enemy ♪

♪ That loud crow I sh*t
at is now a friend to me ♪

♪ The world's new again ♪

♪ I'm so full of wonder ♪

♪ I'm not hungover ♪

♪ I'm g*n! ♪

Sorry, couch! Don't need you today!

You neither, big warm blanket!

Hey "Law & Order" reruns,
didn't ya hear?

I'm not hungover even though
I got totally smashed!

♪ Yo, Hayley Smith here
with Gallagher's hammer ♪

♪ The lord of the manor,
the watermelon slammer ♪

♪ My smash pursuits
don't stop at fruits ♪

♪ Roger, set me up
some melon substitutes ♪

- A lamp!
- Smash!

- A toilet!
- Smash!

- A tuba!
- Smash!

- A computer!
- Smash!

- A paint can!
- Smash!

- A snowman!
- Smash!

- A smaller mallet!
- Smash!

♪ We got totally smashed,
without consequences ♪

♪ We're on top of the world,
despite our offenses ♪

♪ And somehow our bellies ♪

♪ Aren't gurgling like thunder ♪

♪ We're not hungover,
we're not hungover ♪

♪ We're g*n! ♪


Well what? You can get drunk easier?

You still ruined my product
for the contest!

Don't you see?

g*n beer is the perfect product!

Mom, no.

I know you're mad at me, but listen.

For thousands of years, man has dreamed

of getting totally shithoused
without paying the Piper.

We made that dream come true!

Maybe you're right.

But we need more beer for the judges.

We can make more,
as long as you didn't wash

that dirty laundry.

God no, I just put it back

in everybody's drawers like normal!


Rest up, big guy.

Soon you'll be back to smashing
watermelons with the king.

Wait! We never smashed a watermelon!

We had one chance to look
God straight in the eye,

and we blew it!

Or is he giving us a second chance?

Open the door!

Sammy Sosa!


Boiled cereal water.

Dirty laundry.


I'll avoid boring you
all with science jargon

and just say, beer is happening now!

Ladies and gentlemen, g*n beer

is officially entered in the contest!


Lewis said the judges need some A.S.A.P.

Thanks, Nom.
I couldn't have done this without you.

Aw, anytime, honey.

We'll finish making the beer,
you go practice acting surprised

for when they say you win.

Great idea! You're on f*re, Mom!

Wow, so this is
what it feels like to be there

for your son...[GAGS]

...when he needs help... [GAGS]

A present parent...

[GROANS] I don't feel good
all of a sudden.

Me neither. Nausea. Sweating.

Head pounding.

If I didn't know better,
I'd say I was hungover.


But all we've drank is that
first batch of g*n beer.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

This beer doesn't not give hangovers,

it gives delayed hangovers.

Really bad ones!

We can't give this to the judges.

I have a reputation to uphold!

Did I tell you I'm planning to run for

city comptroller next year?

But if I pull the plug on this,
I may never get a chance

to do another project with Steve.

We still can't let people
drink this crap.

But the hangover takes time to kick in.

I say we send beer
to the judges and hope

Steve wins before they get sick.

Isn't that a tad morally reprehensible?

Just a tad. That's why it's okay.

If you're looking
for Francine and Steve,

they're at the school!

There you go!

Right in there!


I got so drunk off this beer last night,

I pooped in the cat box,

but I don't have the slightest hangover!

I made us all a : A.M.
tee time tomorrow

since we'll never be hungover again!

Should we just give
Beer Kid first place now

so we can all go home and gorge
ourselves on potato salad?

Hear that, Mom?! We're a shoo-in!

You know, I didn't expect this,

but, you and me, we're a great team.

It feels good!

[GROANING] It feels so good!

What a mom.

Runs off to make sure
I get all the credit.


Everyone shut up!

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Before we get to the part of the
show you actually care about,

our weird monster kid is gonna
sing the national anthem.

♪ Oh say ♪

♪ Can you ♪

Hurry up, Billy,
before the judges get sick!

BILLY: ♪ See ♪

Tape doesn't work, neither do staples.

Even banging the two
mallet pieces together

really, really hard
doesn't do the trick.

Hurry, hurry,
Gallagher's show is starting any minute!

It starts at :, Hayley.

It's not just any minute.
It's not some random time!


CROWD: Smash it! Smash it!
Smash it! Smash it! Smash it!

Smash it! Smash it!

Smash it! Smash it!

Smash it! Smash it!

Smash it! Smash it! Smash it! Smash it!

Aim for the melon! Aim for the melon!

I am! I am!


Gallagher smashed himself!

The final act of a genius!


Oh, my God, Gallagher is d*ad.

Don't be sad.

Jeff's Van is the new Gallagher!


Okay, thank you for watching

"Wall Street :
Money Never Sleeps" with me.

I didn't want to watch it
alone because I was worried

the money couldn't sleep because
there were monsters around.

If y'all are afraid of monsters,
too, let me hear a "what what"!


Has anyone seen a fish and a
super duper hot blonde lady?



What the hell is going on?

g*n beer isn't safe.

It gives delayed hangovers that
are a thousand times worse.

Oh, no! We gotta get you help!

Wait a second.

Did you know this when
you gave it to the judges?

I'm sorry.

I thought if you didn't win,
you'd never let me

do anything with you again.

Oh, Mom.

I know. I screwed up.

No, I mean we need
to get you back on your feet

so you can supervise me
across the finish line!


Well, you can start by opening

this [BLEEP] child-proof aspirin.

It's fin-proof, too.

And now, the finalists for this year's

young entrepreneurs club contest.

First up, Mertz,
who made basketball sneakers filled

with helium that let you jump higher.

I'm gonna bully a bird!

Next, Blanche, who has a clarinet.

- I don't know if it's her invention,

but it sounds pretty.

And last, but not least...

Yeah, it's me Steve Smith,
the guy who made

the amazing beer you all love.

Let's do the trophy thing
and bounce, sound good?

Sure, why not. And the winner is...

Steve muthatruckin' Smi...



I am so thrilled to win this award.

Hold on. [GROANS]

Something up here suddenly
made all of us sick.

But what could it be?

The obvious culprit is...


Her clarinet music grossed us out!

Or maybe just seeing her
wet the reed grossed us out!


As I was saying, I'm thrilled to win,

but I'm even more excited
to do it with my mom.

Don't be gross. You know what I mean.

I love you, Mom!



Steve, my head's stuck.

[NAIL g*n f*ring]

Yes! Take that, shingle!
Ya got fixed, Son!


Bye! Have a great time!
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