01x01 - Let's Try This Again

[bunniefuu]

ABE LINCOLN: And now,
a very special episode

of the long-awaited
and mildly anticipated,

Clone High.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(KEYPAD BEEPING)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.

- (LASERS ZAP)
- (DOLPHINS CHITTER)

AUTOMATED VOICE: Access granted.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGING)

His name
is Cinnamon J. Scudworth.

Twenty years ago he created
clones of historical figures

and sent them to a high school
called "Clone High,"

where he was principal.

And then suddenly the program
was put on ice.

Quite literally, when he froze
the clones on Winter Prom night.

Our mission
is to unfreeze those clones,

send them back to high school,
and secretly groom them

to one day rule the world.

Failure to do so
could mean world leaders

just keep getting worse.

- I won't let you down.
- It won't be easy.

When these clones were frozen,

a tremendous amount of drama
was frozen with them.

So, Abe was just about
to profess his love

for either Cleopatra,

who was the hottest girl
in school and totally into him,

or Joan of Arc,

who had secretly
been in love with him for years

but had just hooked up with JFK.

Abe walks in on them and says,
"I love..."

And then he gets frozen.

It's like, did someone order
a -year cliffhanger?

- Uh. Right here.
- BOARD MEMBER : Joan or Cleo?

- Cleo or Joan?
- (BOARD MEMBERS LAUGHING)

- BOARD MEMBER : Team Cleo.
- BOARD MEMBER :
Oh, Team Joan over here.

(CLEARS THROAT) And so begins,

"Clone High Colon
Operation Spread Eagle."

(EAGLE SCREECHING)

(LIGHT SWITCHES CLICKING)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
CONCLUDES) ♪

Joan!

- (BOARD MEMBERS CHEERING)
- BOARD MEMBER : He said Joan?

BOARD MEMBER :
(CHUCKLES) No way! Wow!

♪ Way, way back in the s ♪

♪ Secret government employees ♪

♪ Dug up famous guys
And ladies ♪

♪ Made amusing genetic copies ♪

♪ Then the clones' genes
Were frozen ♪

♪ Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪

♪ Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪

{\an}♪ Giving high school
Another try ♪

{\an}♪ It's time to watch
Clone High ♪

♪ Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪

♪ Our angst is entertaining ♪

♪ Clone High ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

There she is, Gandhi.

Joan of Arc,
the love of my life.

And for years,
I took her for granted.

That stops now.

It's time for me to tell her
how I feel, Gandhi.

I mean, it's .

Guys shouldn't be afraid
to talk about feelings.

(CHUCKLES) Gandhi,
you've been pretty quiet.

What's your take?

Huh? I thought I was talking
to my comedic sidekick Gandhi.

Let me know if you see him,
Turkey Fire Hydrant.

Hey, Joan, how's it going?

Something feels off.

There's a bunch of students
I've never seen before,

and some of them are on these
insane-looking scooter things.

Oh, my God,
what's wrong with your eyes?

Joan, I can't hold back
my feelings anymore.

And I'm just grabbing
the bull by the horns,

and I'm gonna come right out
and say it.

Here goes. (INHALES DEEPLY)

- Joan of Arc.
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Good morning, would you like
to walk to school together?

(GASPS) I just said
"morning wood." (LAUGHS)

'Cause I woke up this morning,
super aroused,

because we boned at prom,
which was last night.

Joan of Arc, will you
officially be my girlfriend?

- (GROANS)
- But you're popular,

and I'm definitely not.
So, really?

I mean, um,
can I think about it?

Whoa! Uh, I've never been
turned down before,

but, uh, that's okay.

It'll make it
all the more delicious

- when you do say yes.
- (DRONE WHIRRING)

Ah! Whoa! (CHUCKLES)
A little spaceship.

I'm gonna go chase it. Ah!

See you later,
soon-to-be girlfriend.

So, you guys, huh? So cool.

Ugh! I don't know, Abe.

I just wanna
make sure I'm not...

- (LAUGHS)
- ...jumping into a relationship

solely because
he's the first guy

- I had steamy, hot...
- (WHIMPERS)

...incredible,
mind-bending sex with.

Uh. I think
that's enough adjectives.

Thanks. (GRUNTS)

Come back here, spaceship.
Oh, this is fun.

♪ (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (LIQUID BUBBLING)
- (STEAM HISSING)

Mr. B, after a long night
of unfreezing clones,

it's finally time
to enjoy a scalding,

skin-searingly hot sip
of coffee.

- Scudworth!
- (SCREAMS) Oh, God, it burns!

Oh, I need something
to cool off my face.

Oh, why did I do that?

- It's still so hot!
- Yes, why would anyone

- do anything a second time...
- (SCREAMS)

...after they got
b*rned so badly

- the first time?
- Oh, my face! Still so hot!

- ♪ (INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- My name is Candide Sampson.

I'm here to watch over you
as we execute

- "Operation Spread Eagle."
- (EAGLE SCREECHING)

What? I don't need a boss,
especially not some woman.

I mean, not that I'm against

- women in the workplace--
- CANDIDE SAMPSON: Enough!

I will be installing
a glass ceiling,

so that I may oversee
your every move.

Women and their glass ceilings

that they're always
prancing around

- on top of--
- (BUILDING THUDS)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS)

I noticed other unauthorized
clones roaming the halls,

including many

who are not anywhere
on the original class list.

That's because this whole time
I've been secretly keeping

Clone High going
with a whole new set

of different
cloned historical figures
without permission.

- (GLASS SHATTERING)
- What?

Hmm. Maybe having
additional clones

isn't a terrible idea.

So, how did the clones
who have been frozen

for years take it
when you told them?

Oh, yes!
I knew there was something

- I forgot to do. (CHUCKLES)
- ♪ (INTENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

- (MIC FEEDBACK)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Okay, everyone.

(CLEARS THROAT)
A few quick announcements.

Today is pizza boats, Latin club
will meet in the library,

and for anyone who thinks
it's , you're wrong.

You've actually been frozen
for years.

The students you don't recognize

were cloned a few years
after you were frozen.

So, you're all
roughly the same age.

- (STUDENTS CLAMORING)
- What?

We missed the last years?

Oh, my God,
does that mean I'm ?

'Cause I look amazing for .

- (MIC FEEDBACK)
- To catch you up on what's been

going on in culture
for the past two decades,

I prepared a very fun,

- Clockwork Orange-style
re-education.
- (YELPS)

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Poke bowls, Fyre Fest
Kim Kardashian was a West ♪

♪ Gaga wore a meat dress
Most meat is now meatless ♪

♪ Janet Jackson's nipple slip
Rap rock is no longer hip ♪

♪ Marvel movies, Taylor Swift
Bill Cosby, Google it! ♪

♪ Viral trends, K-pop bands
Lost finale, upset friends ♪

♪ Snap, Meta, Insta posts
Pics of avocado toast! ♪

♪ Podcasts made through NFTs
Only reboots on TV! ♪

♪ Keto diet, Beyoncé
Billionaires went to space ♪

♪ Everyone is filled with hate ♪

♪ Now you're all
Caught up to date ♪

- (PANTS)
- (BUZZER BLARING)

- I, uh, have no more questions.
- (STUDENTS GROANING)

- Uh. Yeah, I have a question.
- Great question.

Here to not answer it
is the most popular clone

and the hottest girl
in the school.

- Finally!
- Cleopatra.

Please move out of the way
so everyone can see Frida Kahlo,

- your class president.
- Who?

- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (STUDENTS CHEERING)

Wait a minute. She's popular?

Welcome, froze clones.
We know it must be crazy

waking up after years.

Hell, I can't function

when my smartwatch switches
to daylight savings.

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

No one understands
what you're saying.

Anyway, the rest of us

are gonna help shake off
those cobwebs by hosting y'all

at our first ever
Clone High Unity Week.

- (STUDENTS CHEERING)
- (AIR HORN BLARING)

And to give us
all the meets and deets,

my sis from another petri dish,

- Harriet Tubman.
- (STUDENTS CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you,
and welcome to the future.

There will be tons
of unity events this week.

So, you'd better sign up,
I'm very serious.

I will know
if you didn't sign up.

I'll find you. I swear, I will.

We're passing around
the sign-up sheet right now.

- Peace.
- (MIC FEEDBACK)

High school sucked
the first time,

- and it's gonna suck again.
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

I'll be even more
of a social pariah,

since I've been frozen
for years.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know,

maybe it'll be kind of fun
living in the future.

Oh, they have pens
on strings now. What a world!

- ♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (TAPPING ON GLASS)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)
I can't take it, Mr. B.

The glass ceiling,

the incessant tippy,
tip, tip, tip, tip, tapping

of all of the reptile nails.

CANDIDE: Scudworth,
I need your key

to the principal's
private washroom.

All right,
let me see where I put it.

I'm not giving it to her.

She can't boss me
around like that.

Oh, that's not it.
No, she can't. I won't.

Uh. It should be here somewhere.

I won't share it, Mr. B,
this is my space.

Everything is just so.

Even the pubes
on the toilet seat?

(FLIES BUZZING)

I told you they were
mustache trimmings!

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Happy Unity Week, y'all.
Pew! Pew!

It's your boy,
C-- C-- Confucius.

Our first Unity Week activity

is a "walk a mile
in someone else's shoes."

Tell 'em how it works, Sacagawea.

We are going super literal
on this one, y'all.

Swap shoes with someone
you don't know,

then walk a mile together.

Make a best friend and get
those steps in. (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

- ATTILA: (GRUNTS) Little damp.
- (GAGS)

Look at us,
first ones out of the gate.

Is this a competition?

HARRIET TUBMAN:
Is anything not? (LAUGHS)

- What's your name?
- It's Topher Bus.

But you know, years ago,

a bus was a mode
of transportation.

- Uh. Yeah, we still have buses.
- Copy that.

Man, I must sound
like a total spaz right now.

- (GIRLS GASP)
- (GROANS)

- You need to be more careful
with your words.
- (GRUNTS)

- You don't wanna get canceled.
- (GRUNTS)

You're saying I need
to be more politically correct.

We don't say

- "politically correct" anymore.
- Oh, nice.

- That stuff was so ret*rd--
- Retired!

Yes. The phrase was retired.

- No, I was gonna say, ret*rd--
- Shut up!

Wait, you make
multimedia performance art too?

Of course, I do it all.

Writing, directing,
overthinking, second guessing,

self-loathing,
unraveling, and regrouping.

- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

(GROANS) I think
I have a blister.

Do these even qualify as shoes?
They're so flimsy.

It's like they were made
by blind people.

Because they were.
(GROANS) Come here.

Do you know
what my real name is?

(WHISPERS) Christopher Columbus.

- Cool.
- Not cool.

While you were frozen,
he got canceled

for being a dirtbag.

I'm trying to distance myself
from my clone father.

That's why I go by Topher Bus.

- (LAUGHS)
- You know who's gonna
get canceled? JFK.

You should have heard him
talking to Joan this morning.

That guy's always saying

inappropriate
and offensive things.

I like boobies and butts,
any shape or size.

- Wow. So sex-positive.
- Yes, I am positive I like sex.

CONFUCIUS: Refreshing honesty.

- SACAGAWEA: So uninhibited.
- (GRUNTS)

We know this must
be overwhelming,

so we wanted to invite
the coolest of you frozens

to join
our Inclusivity Committee.

It's the most exclusive part
of Unity Week.

- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- So, what do you say, Cleo?

- Finally.
- Could you step aside

so we can give this
to Joan of Arc?

- (GASPS)
- (GASPS)

- Here.
- Wow.

With the photo
I don't remember posing for

and everything.

Wait, so you're the hottest girl
in school and Joan is cool?

Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
Somebody wake me up.

(BEAR TRAP CLANGING)

She's great.

And here's a badge
for our final committee member.

(CHUCKLES) I hope you've found

- a decent photo of me too.
- No. JFK.

Hot, uh, uh, dog! Yeah!

♪ Me and Joanie
Sitting in a tree ♪

♪ Banging in
The Inclusivity Committee ♪

CLEOPATRA: Wanna borrow this?

Now, we just gotta find
somebody to plan

the Unity Luncheon on Friday.

Wait, um, what if we let
Abe plan the Unity Luncheon?

Joan, Topher just posted,
in a super mansplaining way,

that Abe was mansplaining.

Oh, sorry. I don't know
what "mansplaining" means.

I'll clarify it for you, Joanie.

- See, when a man--
- Okay, I get it now.

Look, Abe is my best friend
and he loves lunch.

I do. I eat it every day.
Ask anybody.

(SIGHS) All right then,
Abe Lincoln,

- the luncheon is yours.
- Yes. I won't let you down.

(BEAR TRAP CLANGING)

(SCREAMS)

(WHISTLES) Ah!

Time for a little debriefing.
And a little "de-briefing."

What's this?

Elegant towels,
a soap dispenser.

Lemon-scented
feminine hygienics.

Where are the pubes--
I mean mustache trimmings!

The nerve of this woman!

Bring me my sombrero
of invisibilidad.

Try to supervise me now, Candide.

She doesn't even know
I'm under here,

that's how stupid she is.

Whoops,
I'm a little turned around.

Okay, here we go.

This way I can open

- my secret safe...
- (GLASS SHATTERING)

...completely undetected.
(SCATTING)

Now that I've shown you
my scatting ability,

- I shall open the safe.
- (SAFE BEEPS)

She thinks she can get
inside my head.

Well, I will get inside
her head by blowing it up.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ugh! Where do I sit?

Yo! Cool boots. Over here.

♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Wow. It's like
a VIP section in here.

Yeah, it's inspired

by business class
airport lounges.

It's a big step up from eating
by myself in the bathroom.

I saved you a seat,

and feel free to put your books
on my buttshelf.

Aw! Thanks, JFK.

Looks like
we're both popular now.

- You two are so cute together.
- Right?

- Joan? Joan? Joan of Arc?
- It's cool. He's with me.

♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Oh, my God, Abe,

how is the Unity Luncheon
planning?

Well, I decided
we're gonna have tables.

Uh-huh. And we're gonna put
food on the tables,

and then we'll eat the food
off those same tables.

(GROANS)

Tables, that's, uh,
that's-- (CLEARS THROAT)

Anything else? 'Cause I'm--
I'm sure you've got more.

I'm sure of that, 'cause I--
I can vouch for that, you know,

- as I did earlier, publicly.
- Oh, and chairs.

(CHUCKLES) I don't want
everybody to sit Indian style.

- (BOTH GASP)
- (DISHES SHATTERING)

Oops, sorry, I-- I didn't mean
to say something gay.

- (CROWD GASPS)
- (DISHES CLATTERING)

Abe!

Okay. (STAMMERS) Let me explain.

When I said gay, I'm not--

I'm trying to say
that it was the most dumb,

- stupid, horrible thing
that you could ever imagine.
- (STUDENTS GASP)

- Abe!
- Like, just the worst thing

- in the world.
- (DISHES BREAKING)

Hey, you! So, um,
I like it in here

and I don't wanna
get kicked out.

So, it would be great

if you went off
and thought about

those lunch plans
a little more, you know?

Before you step in it
any further. Somewhere far away.

Oh. Okay.

♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIGHS) My old thinking dock.

Why is this so dangerously high?

Climate change, bro.

So, that was real? Hmm.

What are you doing out here

at the thinking docks,
Confucius?

Oh, I'm just trying
to get better at thinking,

be more like the Confucius
I'm cloned from.

Seems to me, there's no telling
what to think these days.

You know, normally,
I'd check in with my bro Gandhi

at times like this.
I think he's been avoiding me.

(ELECTRICAL HUMMING)

Why does everything
have to change?

Joan and I used to be so close,

but now I can't even sit
at the same lunch table as her.

(SIGHS)
Everything I say is wrong.

I just can't get it right.

- What should I do?
- What I've learned

is the very best thing
to do always

is to just say you're sorry.

Hmm. That's--

- ♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- In a cool,
overproduced apology video.

Sounds foolproof. Let's do it.

- ♪ (U.S. ANTHEM PLAYING) ♪
- I wanna offer an apology

for my despicable behavior.

This is an opportunity to learn,
and reflect, and grow.

As well as learning
and reflecting while growing.

I'm not the only one
that matters. All lives matter.

Uh. I'm sorry
if I offended anyone,

but the truth is,
I don't see color.

I mean, I once dressed up
as Chris Tucker for Halloween.

Sorry not sorry.
I refuse to apologize.

I'm sorry, I said,
"Sorry not sorry."

I said I was sorry.

So, I made
a couple mistakes, huh?

Or is it "mister-stakes" now?
Oh, let's not be ridiculous.

Or-- Or do I have to say
"ri-vag*na-ulous," huh?

Because you can't comprehend
like a bunch of girls.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

ABE: I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ah!

- ♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- This guy is tragic.

Are you sure he isn't a Kennedy?

- Oh, Abe!
- I'll make it up to you.

Not gonna happen.
Abraham Lincoln,

you are canceled.

(STUDENTS GASP)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

- (GASPS)
- (STUDENTS GASP)

Joan, what's happening?
Is this washable paint?

Joan, say something.

- (STUDENTS WHISPER)
- (GROANS)

Joan? (GRUNTS)

- (SLURPS)
- (GRUNTS)

♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

- Hey, Abe. You okay?
- No, I'm not.

And you just stood there
and let them cancel me.

Oh-- Oh, hey,

I tried to include you
every step of the way.

There's only so much
I can do, Abe.

Who even are you right now?

Eating lunch with JFK
and all the popular people,

we used to make fun of them.

This is different.
They actually like me.

And I wanted them
to like you too.

But you made it impossible,
didn't you?

Now, I have to pull this whole
Unity Luncheon together

in one day by myself.

- Well, good luck...
- (SLURPS)

...'cause I'm gonna plan

- my own unity luncheon...
- (GASPS)

...and I'm gonna call it,
"The Luncheon for Unity,"

and I'm gonna get
, chicken hot wings,

so that people will come
to my party, not yours.

- (METAL SCREECHING)
- (GROANS)

Almost there.
Keep doing the finger g*ns.

(GROANS)

The next time Candide
places a match

against the wick
of this lavender vanilla insult,

she'll find only too late
that I have replaced it

with this humble stick
of "dianamité."

Mr. B, did you embed dynamite
in this candle?

I'm not allowed
in here, remember?

And put razor blades
in the shell soap?

- Nope!
- And a harpoon in the toilet

that is activated
by the flushing mechanism?

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Why, the only other person

with access
to the executive washroom...

(GASPS) ...is--
Candide was trying to k*ll me.

Candide was trying to...
(CHUCKLES) ...k*ll-- k*ll me.

Wait a minute.
I've never worn pearls.

Candide must have
gotten these for me.

Oh! They're bombs!
(SCREAMS, GROANS)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Wow, Joan, this is impressive.

You pulled together
a hella swizz Unity Luncheon.

Thanks, guys. Hey,
you haven't seen Abe, have you?

He said something about doing

his own unity lunch...
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

...but I'm sure he wouldn’t--

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (AIR HORN BLARING)
- (ALL GASP)

ABE: I've got ,
hot wings right here.

America's most beloved
party food,

only served
at my Luncheon for Unity.

So unfair.
I was just trying

to impress a woman
I ignored for years,

and then I get canceled.
Oh, women are so hard to please.

- Seriously, man.
- Thank you, Ivan the Terrible.

Finally someone gets how I feel.

- I hate all women.
- (SLURPS)

I hate them because
I want to have sex with them

and they won't have sex with me
because I hate them.

Okay. (STAMMERS)
That's not quite how I feel.

Wait, there's more than one
unity luncheon?

- I want my own unity luncheon!
- (CROWD CLAMORING)

(COUGHING)

- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Unity Week is ruined.

- Joan--
- It's okay, Frida.

You don't have to say it.

I'm no longer included
in the Inclusivity Committee.

I'm so sorry, girl.

- ♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Me too.

No!

(CRIES) Oh, we were so close.

I guess high school
is gonna be the same after all.

I think I screwed up,
drugstore tiki torch.

(MUNCHES)

Ow! Dinger! Paper cut.

Ow! Dinger! Paper cut.

Ow! Dinger!

Ow! Dinger!
Ding-- Dinger! Ow! Dinger!

♪ (EMOTIONAL MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(SCREAMS) Dinger! (GROANS)

Oh! Ah!

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- ABE: Attention everyone.
- (CROWD GASPING, JEERING)

Today I ruined much more
than a luncheon.

I ruined the best friendship
I've ever had

with the best person
I've ever known.

Joan is creative, and funny,
and deserves to be popular.

I deserve to be punished.
And for that punishment,

I deserve to have hot wing sauce
poured into these paper cuts.

Who's with me?

- Sorry, who's against me?
- (CROWD CHEERING)

(YELLS)

- (YELLS)
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

- Hey, Joan, uh...
- (ABE YELLING)

...there's a really boring

black-and-white
film festival tomorrow.

You wanna come with us?

- Of course. Thanks, guys.
- (ABE GROANING)

Uh. I'm sorry, Joan.

I don't know much
about this crazy new world

we're living in.

But I do know that you make it
a better place.

I really hope
we can be friends again.

Oh, Abe, I always wanna
be your friend.

Whether it's
or and whatever this is.

Do you think we could ever maybe

- be more than frie--
- Hey, JFK!

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

So, I've been thinking
about your proposal,

and the more I think about it,
the more I realize,

I'm thinking too much.

(CHUCKLES)
What I'm trying to say is,

I'd love to be your girlfriend.

I say we celebrate
with some tongue twisting, huh?

BOTH: Red leather,
yellow leather!

Red leather, yellow leather!

She sells seashells
by the seashore!

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES) All right.

Now, let's kiss
in the French style,

with poodles on our lap
while appeasing Germany.

(BOTH KISSING, SLURPING)

(WHIMPERS)

- Ah! Dinger!
- ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪