01x03 - Track 3: Exile on Main Street

[bunniefuu]

- Ah, Simon.
- All be good to Simon.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

(GAME BEEPING)

Yeah.

- (SNORING)
- (TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY TO BEEPS)

Feel that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm feeling it.

- (BLOWING)
- (BOTTLE RESONATING)

Yeah.

(SINGING DITTY)

- (GAME BUZZES)
- (SCREAMS)

- (CAR HORN BLARES)
- (TIRES SCREECHING)

Simon.

(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

ANIMAL: Rock on! Rock on! Rock on!

(DR. TEETH MUTTERING)

- I'll tell you guys about that.
- DR. TEETH: Impressive, man.

Do you understand how huge this is?

Zedd called and offered to produce
your whole album in his studio,

and... What are you doing?

Gold.

Oh, uh...

Animal's got expensive taste.

No, no, no. General rule of thumb
while we're here, okay?

No eating, no touching,
no eating what you touch.

Put this back carefully.

Yeah, everyone, please just reign it in

- and be chill.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Hey, there they are.
- Oh, snap. It's happening.

(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

- Hey, Lips.
- Yeah. Oh, oh...

BOTH: (GRUNTING) Whoo!

ZEDD: Yeah.

Hey, it's the goat lady from the hike.

Shut up! What, you remember me?

Cool. Do I get a dope handshake, too?

I remember something like this,
a little finger, the elbow.

What's up? You know,
we'll workshop it later. (GASPS)

- Can I hold your Grammy?
- Uh...

Is it heavy? It looks heavy. (SQUEALS)

(WHISPERS) It is heavy.

Please don't touch it.

I don't know if Label Lady
knows what "chill" means.

She's totally freaking Zedd out.

Wow, this place looks like
a giant sexy spaceship.

Mmm-hmm. I must say, a rather sleek
and chic space for our laid back pace.

Right on!

Me as well. Also. Too.

If you need anything, I'm outside.
Although, it's a big space, no?

- I'll let you know. It gets tight in here.
- NORA: Okay.

- (DOOR LOCKS)
- Let's do this.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So, uh,

usually, the band all plays together
in a group.

I just play here, alone?

That's the idea.

All right.

I just play alone?

(VOICE REPEATS WITH AUTOTUNE)

(SIGHS AND MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

(VOICE REPEATS WITH EFFECTS)

Ready to lay it down?

Oh, like, totally, for sure.

(DISTORTING) Sure. Like, totally.
Like, totally. For sure.

I left my sax at home.

(VOICE SLOWS DOWN AND REPEATS)

- Ready when you are, Doc.
- Well, all right.

Wait, that's perfect.

Well, right on.

Also, how?

(ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah.

Consider us collectively blown away
by your rhythmical beats and bytes.

Speaking of beats, I think Animal's
all ready to lay down our drum track.

Simon?

Close, but that's a drum machine. Hit it.

(SNARE DRUM SOUNDS)

Got it. That was perfect...

Wha... Wha...

Moog? Please don't tell me
you're here to give me your demo.

Oh, no, no.
It is not always about my demo,

although I do have a stack in my car,
just in case you get curious.

No, I'm just here to support my Mayhem.

You support them a lot, huh?

Hey, what can I say? Fan for life.

Normally, I'd be super judgy, but I just
completely fangirled in front of Zedd.

He thinks I'm a lunatic
and he's not wrong.

When I met Prince,
I fainted right in front of him.

I woke up to him poking me with one of his
four-inch heels to see if I was alive.

- Wait, Prince poked you?
- Yes, he did.

Okay, that needs to be the first story
you tell people when you meet them.

Oh, no, no, no. I got stories. Look...

One time,
Stevie Nicks looked at me from stage,

and I just let out, like,
this long, high-pitched scream.

- Wow.
- They thought a child was in danger.

I just went with it. I was like,
"Yo! We gotta find this kid, fan out!"

- That's a tough confession to match...
- Yeah.

...but in high school, I was at the mall,

I saw Tina Turner,
and I cornered her and cried

and sang the whole Thunderdome song
right to her.

That's amazing. What's wrong with that?

It wasn't Tina Turner.

Just a gorgeous lady
giving out corn dog samples.

Wow, you really are one of us.

Tell no one.

Look, being a superfan just means
you love something deep in your heart.

To be honest, I don't trust anyone
who's not a super fan of something.

Wave that fan-flag high.

- I will.
- Glad to hear it, Thunderdome.

Don't call me that.

(DRUM SOUNDS)

Honestly, we ain't got no need
for any of our axes and saxes, man.

With all these high-tech gizmos,

and the way you create
your musical magic...

(CHUCKLES) Just think about it.

This band ain't got no need for Animal
or his drum set anymore.

(OTHERS LAUGHING)

(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)

It's like all of us could be replaced,
you know?

(GROWLS)

(ANIMAL YELLS)

Don't worry, we'll pay you back for that.

It's $,.

- We will not be paying you back for that.
- Mmm-mmm.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

- Animal, how's it going in there?
- Bad.

Like cool-bad or bad-bad?

(GLASS SMASHING)

I'm thinking bad-bad.

- Looks like it's going well.
- NORA: JJ?

Why are you everywhere?

I'm here to see my boy Zedd.
He's a big investor in my music app.

- Oh, cool, which one?
- JFinity.

- Wait, you're the J in JFinity?
- Yeah.

I mean, I only listen to vinyl,
but I hear good things.

Okay, enough about your dumb app, okay?

First, you try to buy Wax Town Records,

and now,
you're crashing my recording session,

claiming you know Zedd? (SCOFFS)

- Dude, weak.
- (DOOR OPENS)

- Yo, JJ.
- Hey, hey! Zeddy Krueger.

Come on back.

- What happened to my door?
- Oh, that's my bad.

I'll Venmo you for the damages?

- All right, cool.
- Cheers.

Zedd Danson. (CHUCKLES)
I got you covered, Smooshie.

- Don't call me "Smooshie."
- Hey, you made it up, right?

God, I miss those days. Later, Smoosh.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Nice dude. He's cool.

Hey, um, is Nora here?

She keeps bugging me about my demo,
so, I thought I'd drop it off.

Nora's not home and neither is Animal.
His hammock is empty.

Animal never came home.

Animal didn't come home?

I keep telling 'em not to be so filled

with such an abundanceness
of worryfullness.

He'll be back.

No, no. I don't know, Teeth.

This don't feel like the typical
Animal disappearance, you know?

Like the time he chased that
pompous squirrel down to Central Mexico.

Yeah, like, who did that squirrel
think he was, anyway?

Hey, where's Animal?

Don't stress, everyone.

Animal always finds his way home.

What's the dude gonna do?
Get a new job?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, let's find you a new job, Mr...

Is it pronounced Ani-mal?

- Animal.
- What is it?

- Animal.
- Animal.

- Animal.
- Doesn't matter.

What type of work do you wanna get?

- Animal.
- I can't get you a job,

unless you want your job
to revolve around animals?

- Yeah.
- No.

- A job where you do something.
- Yeah.

Hospitality industry sound good?

- Yeah.
- Sounds good?

- Yeah.
- Are you just blindly agreeing?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Can I ask you a question?
- Yeah.

Am I the most handsome man you've seen?

- No.
- No.

- Honesty. Good. Right off the bat.
- Yeah.

- Top five, though?
- Five.

Top five most handsome man?

Six. Seven.

- I'm not counting.
- Eight.

- You're not teaching...
- Nine.

I found a great job for you.

- Yeah.
- Somewhere you can get your hands dirty.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

What about this?
Even better, get 'em clean.

Yeah.

(YELLING)

(JANICE HUMMING)

Uh... What is all this?

Shh.

It's just your basic sage-smudging
chakra alignment

augmented with amethyst cleansing aromatherapy,

topped off with just a touch
of energy palming.

And after a very stressful day
culminating in yet another run-in with JJ.

JANICE: Mmm.

When we left Zedd's studio,
I saw a purple anger tornado

emanating from Nora and I was like,
(WHISPERS) "I must heal you."

Wait, you were with Zedd?
You promised you'd introduce me.

That was your take-away?

Okay. Whatever. It's fine. You do you.

JANICE: Uh-oh.

Hannah's loving pink aura has turned
into a seething nimbus gloom-cloud.

Okay, everybody. Let's all gather
together on the couch.

Come on, remember your nostril breathing.
Here we go.

Okay, the storm only grows more dangerous

if you suppress its dark energy.

Okay, then.

I feel like all I've done the past couple
of weeks is give you clothes

and pump you up
and help you win over the band.

- Good, good.
- And thank you for that,

but need I remind you that
I helped raise you for years?

Good, good. A release. So cleansing.

No. You don't need to remind me,
because you do it every single day.

And still cleansing. Good.

Look, all I wanted to do
was shake Zedd's hand.

Is that such a big deal?

Sure, that's always how it starts,

but then, also always ends with,
"Oh, Hannah, you're so pretty

"and successful... What, Nora... Who?"

There it is. Your vindictive,
deep-seated jealousy

- because I'm successful and you're not.
- Too much cleansing.

Okay. You want deep-seated?

How about, deep down, you know this album
is gonna be a hit,

and then, I'll be the successful one.

Okay, too much cleansing.

I want you to be successful,
so I can entertain in my own living room

without people sitting on your bed,
which is my couch!

Come on, admit it, okay,
you love having me sleep on your couch,

'cause that means you're up here,
and me, I'm down here.

- Ouch.
- Oh, you are a jealous, resentful person.

I'll go help the band track down Animal.

And you are a shallow,
self-centered opportunist.

Bye, love you.

If I am so shallow and self-centered,
then maybe you shouldn't be on my couch.

Fine. I'm going and let me be clear,
I don't need your house,

your car or you, Hannah, okay?
I'll be more than fine.

- (ENGINE SPUTTERING)
- Please start.

Please start. Please start. Yes!

(ENGINE DIES)

- No!
- (HORN HONKING)

(NORA YELLS IN FRUSTRATION)

Okay, don't worry about it. All right?
The custodial arts aren't for everybody.

Can you please take my phone
out of your mouth?

- (GRUNTING)
- Thank you.

What about that, though?
What about a job answering phones?

- What do you think about that?
- Okay.

Nope. You're never gonna answer my phone.

- Okay.
- You wanna practice?

- Yeah.
- Ready?

- So, I'm gonna make the ring noise.
- BOTH: Ring!

No, don't say the ring part.
That's the phone.

Ring, ring, ring.

- Hello!
- Nobody there.

Of course not, 'cause I'm pretending.

- I'll be the person on the other line.
- Okay.

- Ring, ring, ring. Hello.
- Hello.

I'm looking for Gus.

- Gus?
- Yes, Gus.

- Me.
- Gus!

- I'm right here.
- Gus not here, bye-bye.

- Blew it.
- Ring, ring.

No. This is going great.
I don't see anything bad happening.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Okay, bye. Okay, bye. Okay, bye.

Okay, bye. Okay, bye.

I don't think things are working out here.

Okay, bye.

Whoa! (GRUNTS)

Phone stays here, thanks.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- ANIMAL: Okay, bye.

(LINE RINGING)

Hi. You've reached Hannah.
Leave a message after the beep.

Unless it's my sister.
Then you can go beep yourself.

(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Where you been?

Mmm... You know, I couldn't sleep.

I was looking high and low for Animal,
and nothing.

I told you,
every little thing is gonna be all right.

Come on. Grab a stick and get mellow
with a mallow.

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Where you been?
- Where you been?

Out looking for Animal, of course.

Yeah, we, like,
hit all of Animal's favorite haunts

from the Roxy to the Tar Pits.

Did you hear
they closed the Blockbuster in Van Nuys?

All right, now, don't worry, everybody.
Our beast of burden shall return.

(DOOR OPENS)

I still have Bambi.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Phew.

ALL: Where you been?

I was looking for Animal, right?
Isn't that what we're doing?

I went to the zoo,
'cause Animal loves the zoo.

Ha. Yeah. Especially them meerkats.

He likes to bop 'em when they
pop them little heads outta them holes.

- (ALL CHUCKLE)
- For sure.

Right. So, I went to check,
but it was closed.

So, then, I climbed the fence,
but then I fell.

There was this lion, and he
was not trying to help me look at all.

So, I had to get out of there,

'cause obviously,
a dead me is just not a helpful me.

Ah, but a truly valiant effort
deserves a truly valiant reward.

We cordially invite you to be
our personal guest in the studio tomorrow.

Wait, seriously?
I get to watch you record?

Yeah. Like, tonight,
you became more than a super-fan,

you became a super-friend, Moog.

- Super-friend!
- Thank you, guys.

And look, I'm so sorry
I couldn't help you track Animal down.

Ah.

No worries. The Doctor is right.

Ain't no way Animal
won't be at that studio tomorrow.

(ALL AGREEING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

All right.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

They look so sad.

ZEDD: Think you can help?

Yeah, I mean, anything for Lips.

He was our manny, growing up.

- Okay, let's figure this out?
- Yeah.

Hey, can you hit this record button here?

- Yes.
- ZEDD: Yeah.

- Yeah, I can do that.
- (DOOR OPENS)

I'm sorry, guys, I know you're singing it,
but I'm just not feeling it.

Well, would you be so kind as to oblige us

with an exemplificational flavor
of what feels a missin'?

The thing I've loved
about you guys, is your energy.

It's electric. I feel like you just
need to loosen things up a bit.

Well, please show us the way,
Sofia Carson.

Take it from the top, yeah?

- Okay.
- All right.

(SINGING GIBBERISH)

Now, that's a hit song.

Too true. Too true. That was beautiful.

Just not a hit song for us.

Especially without Animal.

Like, we're just not The Mayhem
without our heartbeat.

Hey, guys.
How about we give the song to Zedd and...

Profound idea, Lips.

We hereby relinquish this hit song

to our nearest and dearest duo, Zedd...

- What?
- ...and Sofia.

No, guys, we can't take your song.

No, you don't have to. It's already yours.

No take backsies!

Thank you.

Hey, thanks for the help, Moog.

Zedd knows my name. (CHUCKLES)

That he does, Marge, that he does.

GUS: You are making me look bad.

We are running out of options,

but I'm about to save you,
because I think I got the one.

- You ready for this?
- Yeah.

Come here.

- Have you ever thought...
- Yeah.

- ...about a job...
- Yeah, yeah.

...as a drummer in a rock band?

- (YELLS)
- No, then!

Animal, Animal! Pivoting!

What about a career
in the food service industry?

Yeah, okay.

(GUESTS GASPING)

(LAUGHING)

He is the chosen one.

Hey, hi, sorry I'm late.

Yo, Thunderdome, today was amazing.

The band invited me to the studio.
Zedd let me work the board.

It was just one button, but still...

Also, real quick,
are you living in your car?

(SCOFFS) No, I'm not living in my car.
I slept on the floor in my office.

Whatever, though. All that matters is,
there's a new hit song.

- There sure is...
- Yes.

- ...and we gave it to Zedd.
- No.

Yeah, we had to.

- Song just didn't feel like us.
- Mmm-mmm.

(MAKING MAYHEM PLAYING ON RADIO)

Yeah, smooth.

Doesn't feel like you guys, huh?

- Told you.
- It's literally called Making Mayhem.

You gave them a song about you for free.

What's the problem?
You can't really own a song.

Yeah, it's like land or books or ponchos.

You can own all of those things.

The good news is,
it all worked out for Zedd and Sofia.

Yes, I'm so happy that a mega-superstar
that has tons of hits got one more.

- Well said.
- Once Animal returns,

we'll make our beautiful music again.

That is right, Janice. (CHUCKLES)

- Animal always comes home.
- JANICE: Mmm-hmm.

Ain't that right, Teeth?

(WHIMPERING SOFTLY)

Teeth?

- (SOBS)
- Oh, no, he's crying.

I don't think Animal's coming back!

- Wait, why is he crying?
- What'd you say?

I don't think Animal's coming back!

What do you mean, "Not coming back?"
You said he'd come back!

Animal's gone away. Where's he gone?

Animal's never coming...
Why isn't he coming back?

Eyes on the road!

- (HORN HONKING)
- Why don't you think he'll come back?

And why? Why, Teeth?

(ALL SOBBING)

Okay, listen, there has to be
a reasonable explanation. Okay?

ZOOT: Oh, no!

- Maybe Animal's lost.
- Like, maybe he's hurt.

- Maybe he's in jail.
- Maybe he's dead!

(ALL SOBBING)

This is all my fault.

I never lost my little buddy, not once!
Not even when he was a baby.

You've taken care of Animal
since he was a baby?

I've always been responsible for Animal. Always.

Which means, now I'm responsible for this.

(ALL SOBBING)

Okay, everybody stop crying. Okay, look.
Let's just think rationally here.

Where would Animal go?

Hey, it's Animal, and he grew!

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(GUESTS EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHS)

(GUESTS APPLAUDING)

DR. TEETH: Guess I was wrong.

- Animal really isn't coming home.
- For sure.

- (ALL CLAPPING)
- Oh, thank you.

I guess we gotta let him go
to his new true love.

- Hibachi.
- Bless you.

No. Guys, wait.
Animal can't be a teppanyaki chef, okay?

You said he's the heartbeat of the band.

It's like Benny himself once said,
"If you love someone, set them free."

- Who's Benny?
- You know, Benny Hana.

- Oh, no, wait, he said, "Kids eat free."
- Oh.

Yeah, that's right.

You know what? How can Animal
just leave without saying a word?

That just... It cuts deep, man.

I mean...

He owes all of us more than that,
don't you think?

- Yeah.
- NORA: Look,

the last thing you wanna do

is turn your back on someone you love
just 'cause they hurt you.

I have a sister. I know how it is.

Sometimes, family lets you down.

- Trust me. Go talk to him.
- Talk?

No, I'm no good with words.

I get the feeling
you'll know just what to do.

Hey, Animal!

Come on, don't be like that.

Look, I don't know what's going on
or why you split.

No need.

No need?

- What are you talking about?
- No need Animal.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, look, you thought that
we were sayin' that we didn't need you?

No way, man. You know, I mean...

Look, we'd never... not...

- Ugh.
- FLOYD: When we said that...

Oh.

Oh, man. I don't know what to say.

You got this.

FLOYD: Hey, Animal.

I may be bad with words, but...

Remember this one?

Baby song.

(CHUCKLES) That's right.

Baby song.

ANIMAL: Oh!

You were right, Doc,
Animal always comes home.

Sometimes, home has to come to Animal.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hello?

(PANTING)

What the...

(GRUNTS)

Well, look at you.

Hey there, little fella. I'm Floyd.

- (SNARLS)
- Whoa!

Nice try, little animal.
Come on. Let's go rock.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah.

Hi. So, it's looking like I don't...

Maybe I could...

Keep.

(BAND MEMBERS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHS)

Mmm! This smells delicious, Animal.

- Cup of tea?
- DR. TEETH: I won't mind.

Yo. I just heard the new single,
Making Mayhem. You guys crushed it.

Crushed my dream
of having a hit single for our album?

'Cause yes, we still have no studio,
no producers, and no new songs.

You just gotta believe, Thunderdome.

- Last time you call me that.
- I don't know why I said that.

Okay, look, trust me. Okay?

This band is gonna give you
something awesome to drop.

- (CRASHING)
- (ALL GASP)

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Talk to us, Morg.

MOOG: It's Moog, and you know what?
I think I'm okay,

but you guys aren't gonna believe
what's down here.

- Ha-ha! Oh!
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Cannot see. Cannot see.

- Oh! (GROANS)
- (THUDS)