01x03 - The Ride Home

[bunniefuu]

Mya, super important.

- [Mya] Uh-hmm?
- We're voting. Which pic should I post?

The eighth one. For sure.

Look, if she says hi, you say hi.

But no matter what, we keep on walking.

Okay. Yeah, I got it.

- Hey, rafa.
- Hey, Mya, what's up?

How's it going?
Sure, it was windy out, you look nice.

- Is your day going good?
- [Mya] Yeah.

So, I have running club tomorrow and
you have your college prep thing, right?

- Think I can get a ride home?
- Yeah.

Yeah, sure. I'm your guy.
Not, well, not your guy.

I'm a guy of guys.

There's guys in the vicinity,
I'm one of them.

That's what I'm saying.

So, the ride?

- Yeah, I can give you a ride.
- [Mya] Okay.

- For sure.
- Hey, Mya.

What are you doing later?
Besides hanging out with me?

Literally, anything else.

Why you being like that?

I don't know you and you don't know me.

I'm not going out with some random kid.

I'm not random. I'm Tony.

Okay, cool. So, what's my last name, Tony?

Rudolph?

Do you think her name is Mya Rudolph?

- Shut up, rafa.
- Bye, Tony.

Whatever. You're not that cute.

Neither are you, Jake from state farm.

Dammit.

You need to rinse those
before you put them in there.

Oh, no, you don't.

Uh, it's a dishwasher, it's right there
in the name of the machine.

If you don't rinse them, the food
particles will clog up the machinery.

So, you want me to wash the dishes
before I put them in the dishwasher?

And do you also wash your body
before you get into a jacuzzi?

I've never been in a jacuzzi in my life.

I was gonna wait
until you guys were done arguing,

but I just realized
that that's gonna be never.

So, can I borrow your car
tomorrow just for a little while?

Mya asked me for a ride home.

The -year old BMW,
the one that can't go in reverse anymore?

It's still a BMW, idiot.
The epitome of sophistication.

Primo, ask me her name.

Who?

My car.

- I really don't want to.
- Sigourney beemer.

Okay.

[Jay] Primo, the best car
in this family is my econoline.

cubic feet of storage space.

You could give myas a ride home.

I just need to give one Mya
a ride home and your work Van

is weird and confusing.

How is it confusing?

I don't understand.

I'm Jay Gonzales,
I fix irrigation problems,

and I had this painted right
after the movie "Gone girl" Came out.

What's hard to understand about that?

The last part.

So, can I borrow sigourney beemer?

Yeah. I'd be happy
to escort you and Mya out

as we all experience
the ultimate driving machine.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I have a permit. I can drive.
I'll go myself.

Well, yeah, sure thing, primo.
I'm gonna give you my BMW for the day.

You don't even have driving gloves.

[Jay] Neither do you.

They're just batting gloves
with the tips cut off.

The point still stands.
No raw palm on the wheel.

[Upbeat music playing]

[Distant dog barks]

[Crow squawks]

Hey, guess how many knives
I have hidden on me right now?

- I don't care.
- Fourteen.

Okay. That's impressive.

Hey. Your brother's in trouble.

Yeah, you're gonna have to be
more specific.

That was mondo's doctor.
He needs to come in right away.

Last week, he broke his toe
using the slushee machine.

What?

- Hey, mondo.
- Hey.

Uh-uh. What are you doing?

My sandals broke. The ground is hot.
Don't worry, I'll pay for it.

That's not the part that's the problem.

Ah!

While he was there, they ran some tests
and something bad came up.

They'll only tell mondo,
but obviously it's important.

- So you guys need to go find him.
- He'll be fine.

- It's just a toe.
- Okay.

A doctor doesn't call on a Saturday
and say, "we need to see you immediately.

It's because of your toe."
He's in trouble.

Now they won't tell me anything
over the phone,

so I'm gonna go down there.

What are they gonna tell you
in person that they're not

- telling you over the phone?
- A lot.

You two, go to the flea market,
see if he's there selling his art.

Fine. Come on.
He needs to get his phone turned back on.

Oh.

Did you just s*ab yourself
with one of your secret knives?

A lot of them.

Feel how supple that leather is?
Merino.

It's named after the breed of sheep
the leather is harvested from.

Good for us, bad for the sheep, right?

- Huh.
- [Rafa] Hey, listen.

So, I'm trying to get to know Mya better.

So I was thinking,
is it cool if you play my playlist

and she and I sit in the back
so we can talk,

and you kind of, you don't ever talk?

Like an uber driver?

More like Ryan gosling in drive.

Just looking super cool and mysterious.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

And you just don't ever talk.

- Yeah.
- You just don't ever...

- Ever.
- Talk.

Talk. Yeah, you got it. You're right.

Also, you should think
about wearing Cologne.

Yeah, women are very old factory.

Really?

Yeah. That's why I keep a baggie
of free samples right there at the door.

Check it out.

"Elon's musk" by Elon Musk?

Yeah, it's about time.

"Plot twist" by m. Night shyamalan?

Yeah, it's just water.

"Pesky" by leguizamo?
When you are the one man show.

That's the one. Yeah.

I'm telling you, primo, Ryan doesn't
know crap about relationships.

He's single and free to date
anybody he wants,

does that seem like a good life to you?

I mean, yeah.

So sad.

You know he met
his soulmate in high school,

got married right away,

and now has two loving children
that make him breakfast on father's day.

Barf. What a nightmare, right?

I mean, no, not really.

Drea, no. You cannot see mondo's chart.
It's confidential.

Really, Gloria? Really?

Girl, you'll never guess
who has three months to live.

All right.

Check this out.
It's Britney Spears for petco.

Technically, it's for holding tiny dogs,
but it works well as an everyday purse.

Okay, you have two minutes.

If you want a copy,
I'm gonna need the matching wallet.

It's not a wallet,
it's a poop bag dispenser,

but you have yourself a deal.

I cannot believe this is
how mondo spends his time,

carving disgusting nude sculptures.

[Raul] They're not disgusting.

They're erotic explorations
of the human form.

Bro, you are so creepy.

And this is just two...
each other.

Hey, where's mondo?
We need to talk to him.

I haven't seen him all morning.
He's probably still up in the woods.

Did he send you to cover for him?

No. I'm not selling
your wood p*rn to people.

[Phone ringing]

- [Mike] Hey.
- Hey, you got mondo?

No. Raul thinks he's still in the woods.
Stop. Seriously.

[Andrea] I am serious. It's his heart.

He had an irregular cardiogram.
They need him to do more tests.

Go to the woods and find him.

You... stop!

Thanks for the ride again.
So, which uncle's picking up?

Wait, is it Rollie?
Can three of us fit on a motorcycle?

No. Uncle Ryan.
He's got a BMW, though, so...

- Oh.
- Pretty cool.

Yeah.

It's the ultimate automobile,
you know, because of the sheep.

[Car horn honks "shave and a haircut"]

Oh, my god.

What?

Hey, hop in.

I don't think that's a BMW, man.

What are you doing?

- Where's uncle Ryan?
- Ryan flaked.

You can't count on him.

I told you,
I'm your guy for stuff like this.

Hey, Mya, grab a seat.

What's that smell?

Oh, that's probably the manure.

Probably?

Don't worry. I got you.

Yeah. That'll do it.

Buckle up.

Uh, there's no buckle.

Oh, that's right.
Don't worry. I'm a good driver.

You look like a baby g.I. Joe.

Shut up. It's a search and rescue mission.

We're looking for our brother,
not bin laden, bro.

You can never be over-prepared.

You don't know what's in these woods.
Mother nature is cruel.

This gear, I'm ready for anything.

I am able to fend off predators,
large and small.

What the hell?

You're lucky I could come.

I'm on a worksite right now,
I had to take to come get you.

Perks of being the boss.

My dad had a Van been like this
when he was stationed in Nashville.

His funk band used it for their equipment.

Music. Let's talk about music.

There's no Bluetooth in here, is there?

Only if you're talking about
my dead molar.

I'm not.
Um, I made a playlist for our ride.

Do you like bad bunny?

He rode on top of a truck
into wrestlemania.

Hmm, my brother loves him.

All the music I listen to
is stuff I picked up overseas.

Ooh, do you have any pferdekamf?

They're German death metal.

I really got into them
when we lived in Berlin.

Um, doesn't look like
pferdekampf is on Spotify.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
They got perma-banned

because all those horses
d*ed at their concerts.

Oh, no.

So you have a landscaping business.

I cut yards one summer
when we lived in Ohio.

More irrigation, but we kind of do it all.

I started it years ago
right after I met my wife.

We run it together.

She handles the bookkeeping
and business side of things.

Everything I do is for her.

Aww.

She took a chance on me.

She's beautiful.

Could have had any man she wanted.
And she chose me.

Are you about to cry?

Yes.

I'm about to cry.

- So, thanks for the ride home.
- No problem.

Um, let me know if you're ever
looking for extra cash.

I always need bodies.

I like cash.

We have a project going on right now.

You wanna come do a couple of hours,
see if it's for you?

Sure. I got to get settled in.
Come pick me up in half an hour?

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye.

[Whimpers]

Hey, there he is. I'm so sorry, man.

I cannot believe this.

There are supposed to be Bluetooth
and seats for everyone, and no manure.

All you had to do was show up.
What happened?

[Scoffs] Corporate politics.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- [Machine whirring]

It's Saturday.
I'm sort of the manager.

I've been specifically told
you are not, Mr. Gonzales.

How'd it go? Did the Cologne work?

How'd it go? Terrible.

- And now Mya works for uncle Jay.
- What?

I don't know what you're
complaining about. Come work too.

You'll be in the same place
for three hours.

Show her you're a good provider.

I met your aunt Denise at a worksite.

This could be the first chapter
of a long and happy marriage.

Let's go,
and grab some garbage bags.

There's a bunch of dead squirrels
we gotta get rid of at the job site.

- What?
- Hey.

Jay screwed this up, but you could
still impress her, okay?

So, let's just come up
with a good first date.

I'll go get the car from the impound lot.

You get some more pesky samples
from the magazines at cvs.

- We'll rendezvous...
- No.

You blew it. Thanks to you,

my only chance to impress
the girl that I like

somehow involves manual labor

and bagging squirrel skeletons.

And that's two of my worst things.

What are the odds?

Okay. You can help Ernesto
finish the trench for the main line.

I don't know who Ernesto is
but you got it.

You're getting to know her?

Yeah, I guess.

She got into weird music in Germany,
uh, her dad plays bass,

and she's indifferent to the smell
of John leguizamo.

Well, now you have more time.
Trust me.

This is the way to Mya's heart.

It is hot out here.

Do you have any lemonade,
or like, a gazebo?

Primo...

don't say any of those words
to these guys.

[Keys clatter]

Hey.

Mondo, where the hell have you been?

Here.

Okay. Your doctor called.
We need to get your heart checked.

- Let's go.
- I'm sure it's fine.

The universe will take care of me.

Yeah. I'm the universe. That's me.
I'm here to take care of you.

- Who are you calling?
- Mike and Rollie.

I sent them to the woods to look for you.

- They're in the woods now?
- Uh-hmm.

The air force does weapons training
out there on Saturday afternoons.

Lot of stray b*ll*ts.

[Mike] This is Mike.
I'm on a mission. Do you mind...

keeping you baboons alive
is a full time job. Let's go.

Hey, so then he like hopped on
like a little scooter

and he scooted off,
so I never saw his full face,

but I'm like % sure
it was Morgan Freeman.

Morgan Freeman
has never been on a scooter.

Why are you wearing
those night vision goggles?

Never know when you might need them.

Night. You need them at night.

How did you survive the m*llitary?

How?

'Cause I'm strong,
and disciplined, and handsome.

I did eighty-mile treks in country
with a hundred-pound pack.

The lowest bpm in my unit.

Look, just because you did a nature walk
and did a couple of zumba classes,

doesn't mean you're strong.

You might be bigger,

I am stronger, pound-for-pound.

Oh...
Like how an ant can carry a cr*cker?

That's it. We're going.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

Uh-huh.

- [Crows cawing]
- [Birds chirping]

- You need help? You good?
- [Mike] No, I'm good.

Let me concentrate. I have to
take these off in a very specific order.

All done laying down the pvc pipe.

- Already?
- Uh-hmm.

Took Ernesto two hours
to do that yesterday.

I might have to let him go.

Well, I figured if you put the t-joints
and the elbows into buckets,

you won't have to dig through
them when you need one.

This is going to change everything.

How has no one figured this out?
Mya's the mvp today.

Why don't you work with rafa a bit?

Okay.

Hey, I have a question for you. So...

if you could visit any city
and also have any superpower,

and have a dinner party
and invite three famous people,

where would you go,

what superpower would you have,
and who would you invite?

Whoa. Uh, that's a lot.

How about I get back to you
in like, in a month?

[Chuckles] My bad.

I, I just figured we'd make
small talk, you know?

Two workers on a job...

plowing the rich San Antonio soil,
getting to know each other.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I just don't take a lot of time
to get to know people, you know,

since we move so much.

Oh. That's why you didn't go out
with state farm Tony.

See, I just thought you
were more of a geico girl.

Hmm.

Ah! Ah, I think I got stung by a hornet.

Oh.

No, it's just a splinter.

I gotta pinch it out. Hold on.

Got it.

Oh, man. Are you okay?

I'm great.

No, your nose. Your nose is...

Oh.

[Speaking Spanish]
His little nose is bleeding.

Who's bleeding? Primo, are you bleeding?

No, I'm fine. My sinuses are just dry.

Put your head back, little bleeder.

Please, call me literally anything else.

I'm fine. I just need...

- [Gasps]
- Oh.

[Grunts]

That's it.

- You're in the dirt now.
- [Rollie] What are you doing?

[Grunts]

Strongest brother.

- Boo... oh!
- [Bone cracks]

That's not good. Oof.

Rollie?

Yeah, that's not good either.

Oh, boy. None of this is good.

All right. There you go.

Those are heavy flow,
so you'll be fine for a few hours.

Please just k*ll me, aunt Denise.

Just let me bleed out.

Bad news. You're gonna make it.
I'm off to check on the other site.

Don't make my nephew bleed any more.

[Jay] Come on. It's not so bad.

You're covered in blood
and sweat and dirt.

It's very manly. You're like a gladiator.

What are you doing?

Jay told me to get the hose
to clean you off.

I'm good. Please don't.

Good pressure on this.
It's like I'm power washing you.

Yeah. I'm going home.

Oh, the tampons are absorbing the water.
Oh, my god. They're expanding.

[Dramatic music playing]

Primo, great news.

Sigourney's back, safe and sound,

ready to drive, mostly forward.

Hey, you look like hell.

Well, that's what you get
when you listen to Jay about women.

Oh, I got this Jose canseco
conceal-and-contour kit.

It's just like a-rod's makeup for men
but not as oily.

Hey, you can't just walk off the site.

You left my crew
and your little girlfriend hanging.

Hey, nice of you to show up.

Are you just trying to find new ways
to ruin this kid's life?

[Rafa] You're both ruining my life.

Can you all do me a favor?

Can you please just not talk to me
for like a hundred years?

That'd be great. Thanks.

Oh, you weren't here
when I said this before,

sigourney's back, totally safe.

[Crows cawing]

- [Rollie groans]
- Hey, you okay, man?

[Groans]

- I'm not sure.
- Well...

i won. Strongest brother.

Uh, also, I separated my shoulder,
and you have a concussion,

and I am pretty sure
I hear g*nshots in the distance.

[g*nshots]

Yup. Right again.

Okay. I gotta get us out of here.

[Clears throat] Do not worry.
I trained for this exact situation.

You just listen to everything I say
and we will make it home safe.

Come on.

- Both hands.
- [Bone cracks]

Oh. Oh, no.
Never mind. We're gonna die.

No.

[Crows cawing]

Oh, thank god.

Mondo?

Andrea, we found him.

Come on, dopes.
Let's get mondo to the doctor.

I don't think they're okay.

[Groans]

Okay. Let's get all of you to the doctor.

[Slow music playing]

Why couldn't you be my uncle?

Family.

[Knocks on door]

Don't be upset. This will be a great story
to tell at your wedding.

Uncle Jay,
this is exactly what I'm talking about.

You're going on about marriage and kids
and proving myself as a provider.

All I wanted was minutes
with the girl that I like.

I'm in high school.
My mom still leaves notes in my lunch.

She leaves notes
in all of our lunches, primo.

She's a very considerate person.

Look, you got Rollie
for the tough guy stuff,

you got mondo for the weirdo stuff,
you got Mike to borrow clothes.

'Cause he's the same size.

I know, but...

when you went to Ryan
for help with Mya...

I'm like,
"why wouldn't you come to me?"

I wanna help you. I know things.

My life's pretty good.
I want your life to be good too.

I see what you have,

and one day,
I will be thinking about a wife and kids

and a job that I like,
one that I can do indoors with no shovels.

And when that day comes,
you have my word, I'll come to you.

Deal.

Ryan!

This is a full day's pay,

even though you only worked for an hour.

- What's up?
- Give him your keys.

- What?
- You messed up too.

Give him the keys
so he can take Mya for a ride.

Primo, treat her with gentle hands.

The car, sigourney beemer,
treat her with gentle hands,

gentle gloved hands.

[Dramatic music playing]

- You can put your shirt back on now.
- I know...

but clothes are merely
a societal construct

and an institutional mechanism
of oppression for your skin.

Did you lose your shirt?

I did.

[Sighs]

Use this.

All cleaned up.
Now time for the tetanus sh*t.

Yeah, I don't think I need that. I'm good.

It was a rusty post.

Tetanus is serious.
It can cause lockjaw and spasms.

I'll just drink some hydrogen peroxide.

Don't do that. You'll die.

Hey, no, no, really,
like I don't need the sh*t.

Hey, are you really a doctor?

Because, legally,
you gotta tell me if you are.

That's cops. And it's an urban myth.
And, yes, I'm a doctor. Please hold still.

And mondo's test results are here.

EKG is all clear.
First one must have been a false reading.

Hmm, the universe is taking care of me.
All is well.

Well, actually, no, all is not well,

because the universe
has also given you hepatitis b.

Hmm, that's the chill one. I'm fine.

- And scurvy.
- Got it.

You do got it.

You also have a virus
that's only found in sharks

and you have a shark tooth
embedded in your thigh.

So, I have to ask,
have you been intimate with a shark?

I don't think so.

You don't think so?

[Upbeat music playing]

You're a very safe driver.

I can take it up to if you want.

The city is Boise.

My superpower is teleportation.

The dinner guests are Rihanna,
zendaya, and Jada pinkett Smith.

I thought about it.
Those are my answers.

Boise?

It's a great ski town, okay?

You ski?

Never tried but I want to.

[Rafa] See, I don't want to.

It just seems like
a really expensive way to fall down.

Wow. I've never heard that one.

Expensive way to fall down.

So, have you ever went skating
or anything?

- [Rafa] Yeah. I'm been on a skate, sure.
- [Mya] Yeah? Do you like it?

[Rafa] Well,
that's a cheaper way to fall down.

[Mya laughs]

[German heavy metal music playing]

Pferdekampf rules.

[Theme music playing]

[Andrea]
next on Primo...

I won an award!

Come on! I earned my spot on that wall.

There's only one fair way to solve this.

Game champ.

- [Bell jingles]
- [Dice clatter]

- It combines strategy. Dummy.
- Dummy.

[Ryan] Hand-eye coordination.

- thigh strength.
- Yes!

[Ryan] Pain tolerance.

and mental prowess.

- Dude!
- Look, game champ is messy.

But so is the quest for justice.