01x05 - The Carnival

[bunniefuu]

All right. Classifieds for mom.

Financial section for uncle Ryan,

crosswords for uncle Rollie.

Where's uncle Rollie?

I don't know.

Obituaries for uncle Mike,

so he can see
if any of his enemies have d*ed.

Come on, Richard soto.

- What'd he do to you?
- I don't remember.

I just know that I want him dead.

Uncle mondo gets the horoscopes,
and everything else for uncle Jay,

so he can throw it all in the trash

'cause he's still mad
about the typo in his ad last year.

I was very clear.
"Hose." H-o-s-e.

We're an irrigation company.
That kind of "hose." Not the other kind.

- Rollie's in jail.
- [Groans]

He needs to be bailed out again.

- Mike.
- Damn it.

Mondo, I'll do your laundry
if you go pick up Rollie for me.

Hmm. Deal.

Ryan, if you go get Rollie,

I'll let you explain crypto to me
for minutes.

Deal. Smartest decision you've ever made.

Jay, your daughter's still doing
a fundraiser for their dance recital

because I would now
love to make a donation?

Deal.

- Mike?
- [Mike] Hmm.

If you go get Rollie,

I won't tell anyone
about your secret tinder profile.

- Hmm.
- You know about that?

I've been cat-fishing you for a month.

- You're "jae?"
- I didn't even change my name.

This is on you.

And if you don't want everyone else
to see the screenshots I took...

[Mondo] And here's my laundry.

- Can you drop me at the school after?
- Sure.

Does anybody else
have any more jobs I can do?

- Oh, no, I'm good.
- You sure?

- [Jay] Uh-hmm.
- [Mike] Great.

[Door opens]

You're gonna show us
the screenshots though, right?

Yes.

Ahh.

All right, guys.
Fifteen across, "source of agony."

Eight letters.

- Kn*fe.
- That's five letters.

Big Kn*fe.

Try some non Kn*fe words.

- [Officer] Gonzales.
- [Rollie] What's up?

Your family bailed you out.

All right, viper.
Finish this off for me. I believe in you.

Machetes.

There's a lesson here, primo.

Yes, I was in jail.
But I did it for a good reason.

Some idiot was trying to
dine and dash on a waitress,

so I had to knock him out.

And I knew
it'd probably get me into trouble,

but I did it
for the principle of the matter.

You head-butted a guy
at a strip club buffet.

Yeah. I did what I had to do
to right the wrong.

Whoa, you're like Mexican Batman.

- No.
- [Rollie] Yeah, that's right.

I'm a vigilante for justice.

That's why I have
a tattoo of lady justice.

Is that Halle Berry?

[Rollie] Yeah.

Yeah, she used to be married
to David justice,

so she was lady justice.

- Oh.
- Do you see, primo?

I'm always sticking up for the little guy.

Like your uncle Mike.

Look how little he is,
with his cute, tiny lego body.

Okay. Primo, go get the truck.

Stop making yourself sound like a hero
in front of primo.

I could try, but it's kind of hard

when you look like
a chiseled Marc Anthony.

Rollie, you get locked up once a month.

I didn't even have to say your name
when I walked in today.

You are a regular. In jail.

Primo looks up to you, man.

Oh, I get it now.

You're just jealous
because he doesn't look up to you.

Because he can't, 'cause you're short.

First of all, I'm taller than Tom Cruise,
people's sexiest man alive in .

- Eh.
- Second of all,

primo might be able to go to college.

He has a chance to use his head,
and not as a w*apon.

So if he starts doing the dumb crap you do
'cause he thinks that's cool,

that's on you.

Is that what you want for primo?

What? Your uncle Rollie?
He's not Mexican Batman.

I thought Danny trejo was Mexican Batman?

I'm telling you, guys.

He's kind of a playboy,
he only goes out at night and, uh...

Dude, you know what?

Now that I think about it,
he's been in a bunch of fights

with a dude named "joker."

Isn't Batman a billionaire?

Yeah. That's where the similarities end.

He's working at the carnival tonight,
so we'll see him there.

Wait, there's a carnival?

[Miguel] Yeah.
Well, it's like a seasonal thing.

And we go every year
the first weekend it opens up.

And tonight's the first night.

I love carnivals.

When we lived in Germany,
there was one called spargelfest.

All the rides and attractions
were asparagus-themed.

[Speaking German]
Do you have any cotton candy?

[Speaking German]
No.

Only asparagus.

Asparagus. Asparagus.

Asparagus.

Asparagus.

You should come with us tonight.
Unless you have plans.

[Mya] I was just gonna
hang out with my mom.

On Friday night, she likes to drink
two glasses of white wine

and watch Remember the titans.

but this sounds like more fun.

- Hey, i'MMA see you all tonight, okay?
- See ya.

Dude.

What?

Oh, my god.
Mya's coming to the carnival with us.

At night.

You basically just asked her out.

No, I didn't.

- I did?
- Yeah. This is big.

People make out at carnivals all the time.
I should know.

Awesome.

Great time. Ugh.

Wait. But I mean,
she doesn't like me like that.

Does she?

If she doesn't,
this is your chance to change that.

Rafa, the girl was excited
about asparagus.

Now, all you gotta do
is be more interesting than a vegetable.

Yeah. I can do that.
I think I can do that.

I mean, asparagus is the most
dynamic vegetable, though.

Like it starts out one way,
and then it gets complicated

at the top in a way
that you just don't see coming.

What's the second most dynamic vegetable?

Tomatoes.
You can put it in meats and salads.

- Tomato is a fruit, though.
- Yeah. Exactly.

Another reason why it's one of
the most dynamic. It's unstoppable.

It goes asparagus, tomato, cabbage.

I'm not going tonight.

[Ryan] Crows, pigeons, hawks?

[Jay] Don't say another one.

What are you guys fighting about?

- Give it a rest!
- [Ryan] Owls.

[Thuds]

- What did you do?
- It's his fault.

- He keeps saying birds don't get tired.
- They don't.

Have you ever seen a bird
just be out of breath?

Then why do they sleep,
if they don't get tired?

- [Jay] Shut up!
- Enough.

Fix this. Now.

Relax. It's not a big deal.

It's just an old bookshelf.
We'll get you a brand new one.

I know a place that has great bookshelves.
And meatballs.

- Is it Ikea?
- It's Ikea.

I don't want a new bookshelf, Ryan.
I want this bookshelf.

And I want it back the way it was.

Sons of b*tches!

Birds just do this all day.
Big whoop.

Oh, I feel it now. Birds are amazing.

Hey. Thank you for letting me
borrow this outfit, uncle Mike.

I look sick as hell.

Yeah, you do.

The salesgirl at express men
said I looked "dope."

And salesgirls,
they have no reason to lie to you.

This shirt is so slippery.
I feel like a sexy snake. Yeah.

I'll pick you up at : .

- And steer clear of uncle Rollie.
- Why?

He's gonna be with his carney friends.
You know?

Who knows what he'll go
bash his head into.

- Okay.
- Oh, also, stay away from open flames.

Those pants will melt
right into your thighs.

- Oh.
- Have fun.

[Indistinct] Yeah [indistinct] every year.

Yeah, that's right. That's right.

[Harris] Anyway [indistinct]

Dude, what are you wearing?
You look like a giant fishing lure.

Well, it can't be a date
if I don't dress like it's a date.

Which uncle did this?
Because this can't be all you.

Uncle Mike. Y'all don't like it?

She's's gonna think
you're a divorced magician.

What's up, guys? Rafa, you look cool.

Thank you, Mya.
They're my uncle's clothes.

Okay. Let's go.

[Phone rings and vibrates]

Hey, dad. I'm here.
Yeah, I met up with my friends.

I'll see you at : ?

No, there's no boys here.
It's the first ever all-female carnival.

Okay. See you at : . Bye.

I thought you just said
your curfew was : ?

Yeah, he docked me a half hour
'cause I mouthed off.

My daddy don't play.

So, what rides y'all wanna get on first?

I don't waste time on those kiddie rides.

I am here to meet girls,
and spend no money doing it.

And how are you gonna pull that off?

He packs his own popcorn and candy.
He hangs out by the carousel.

It's a very romantic ride.

Then there's the closer.

I won this baby three years ago,

but I carry it around
so the ladies think I won it tonight.

- Hmm.
- [Miguel] See, I don't go on any rides,

because I have no money,

so my entertainment is
watching Harris try and talk to girls.

Because it never works.
And that's always funny.

Wait, wait, wait. Where's my money?

It was in my pocket
and now it's not there.

sh*t.

There it is.

Hey! That's my money!

Come on!

Harris! Hurry up!

If I jostle the unicorn too hard,
the horn's gonna falls off!

[Ryan] We did it. Good as new.

No, it's not. Not even close.

What are you talking about?
This piece of crap looks great.

You guys suck.

- I'm gonna call mondo.
- [Ryan] Here we go.

"Perfect mondo."

- Come on. Why do you gotta call him?
- Because he's her favorite.

[Andrea] He's not my favorite.

I mean, he is the nicest, and the wisest,

and if all of you were drowning,
I would choose to save him.

Oh, I guess he is my favorite.
How about that?

Anyway, he understands things like this.
And you two don't.

We need to figure this out

- before mondo gets here.
- Yeah.

I'm so sick of losing
to that kombucha-sipping freak.

Actually, uh, mondo put me
on a kombucha regimen,

and let me tell you,
my gut health is through the roof.

Oh.

How's your gut health now, dummy?

Well, this sucks.
What do we do now?

We can watch Harris.

Sometimes when he gets rejected
really hard, he cries into his unicorn.

Oh, hang on a second.

That doesn't seem like much fun.

I promise you it is.

I don't know. There's gotta be a way
that we can get your money back.

Yes. Hold on one second.

- Uncle Rollie. Great.
- Hey, what's up, primo?

Some freaking kid
ran off with Mya's money.

I need you to find him
and take care of it.

"Take care of it?"

Yeah, yeah.
Just, I don't know, uh, scare him.

Wave your trash thingy at him.

Oh, like a shakedown?

Yes. Exactly. Awesome.

I already told them about how uncle Mike
and I bailed you out this morning

after you b*at up that one guy,
and now they get to see it in real life.

Hey, actually, primo.

Hey, I wish I could help you out,
but fighting isn't really my department.

What? This is exactly your department.

You're the employee of the month
in this department.

Look, primo. I can't do it.
And plus I'm working.

You know what? Get out of here. b*at it.

- Go.
- Now you're waving the stick at me?

Where's your uncle? Is he gonna help?

No, he's not.

We're on our own.

Guys, it's fine. Go have fun.

I'll just go home.
I don't care about the money.

No. No. Don't, don't leave.

What if, what if we find the kid?
I mean, me and Harris can go this way,

you two go the other way.
We'll run into him.

Or you and Mya go that way,
and Harris and I go the other way.

We're already partnered up by sides.
It doesn't make any sense.

We should just do my plan.
It's way better.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Let's do that. Right?
Let's go catch this kid, girl.

Or woman.

'Cause girls who mature,
and get larger, are called women.

That's the difference.

That's the difference. Size and age.

Saved it. Good work.

Okay.

Catch you guys later.

- That was awful.
- Yeah, he's hopeless.

Ha, you're too late, idiot.

We already figured it out.

Everything's arranged by color.

You two are completely clueless.

What are you talking about?
All the junk is back on the shelves,

and it looks great.
What else could she want?

She wants you not to call it junk.

Also, do you know why drea would save me,
if we were all drowning?

She told you that?

Because I pay attention to her.

This isn't just some bookshelf.

There's an order within the chaos,
gentlemen.

And until you figure out
what that order is,

drea will never forgive you.

All right, fine. What's the order?

Yeah. That's for you to figure out.
My job here is done.

Also arby's beef 'n cheddar
is three-for-five dollars today,

so I have to get over there.
Also, can I borrow five dollars?

[Sighs]

Okay. After this is over,

I'm not fighting you.

You and me are fighting him.

One hundo p. [Chuckles]

A hundred percent?

Oh, again.

- Say full words.
- [Ryan] Uh-hmm.

[Chill music playing]

This is pointless.
We're never gonna find this kid.

Yo. [Clears throat]
What's with the unicorn?

Oh, yeah.
I just won it at the ring toss.

I forgot I had this
because I win all the things,

all the time. So...

They actually don't have unicorns
this year. They have sloths.

[Laughter]

What kind of creep walks around
with a raggedy

old unicorn in his backpack?

He does.

His name's Harris.
He also has candy in his backpack.

You see? It is better than any ride.

Come on, man, you ruined it.

Oh, yeah, I ruined it.

So, this is kind of fun, right?

It's like we're the two guys
in Lord of the rings.

kind of. I mean,
they had the ring the whole time.

Oh.

I got bored halfway through
and stopped watching it.

Like, why didn't the wizard
just summon a giant eagle

and fly the ring straight
into the volcano, you know?

That actually happens in the last movie.

See? I could've saved them so much time.

[Chuckles]

[Exhales]

Why don't, why, why don't we get
on the carousel?

We might be able to get a better view.

No. The line is too long.
It'll take forever.

How about you jump on that bench
and see if you can see anything?

I think we should probably stay
right here in the middle,

where it's nice and cool. Keep looking.

Oh, my god. He's right there.

Hey. Hey, yo, kid!

You owe her $ !

[Gasps]

Damn, this shirt is amazing! Come on!

Here we go.

I found a picture with the bookshelf
in the background.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Maggie. Yeah.

She came into the bank
and asked for the manager,

so then I just pretended
to be the manager,

and then we dated for a month.

But then, she found out
I wasn't the manager,

and then we broke up. And then,
she talked to the actual manager.

And now, they're married. [Chuckles]
Oh, that's Maggie for you.

All right.
That blue book goes on the top shelf.

"Dear drea, thank you
for taking me to choir practice.

I love church and I love you, Rollie."
Aww.

I forgot he used to sing.

Why does she still have that?

Well, you know drea, she saves everything.

She saves everything.

Look, I lost my first tooth!

Congrats, Ryan!

I made this in shop.

I love it!

What happened to you?

Marco called you a thing I didn't like,

so I knocked his tooth out
and I brought it to you.

Each of these shelves is for one of us.

She's been saving everything,
our whole lives.

[Mondo] Took you long enough.

I mean, you've walked
by that shelf a million times

and you never thought to look at it?

Men are so stupid.

- Where'd you come from?
- Arby's.

Where are our sandwiches?

"Your" sandwiches?

Yeah. It was a three-for-five deal.
I gave you the money.

We thought you were getting
each of us a sandwich!

Hmm, guys, let's not get caught up
on "who gave who money,"

or "who ate all three sandwiches
by himself."

The point is,
this shelf represents our lives,

rendered in objects.

And the fact that you didn't know
that is embarrassing for you,

and hurtful to drea.

I made this in like seventh grade
and she saved it.

What is it?

[Jay] I don't know.

It kinda looks like a robot turd.

We're so ugly, and she loves us anyway.

Just like this robot turd.

- Hey! You stole our money!
- No, I didn't, I found it.

- Then hand it over.
- No.

Yes.

What the hell
is that shirt made out of, eel skin?

[Chanting] Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[Rafa] Hand it over! Give it back!

Give it back!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh, damn. Primo! Sh...

Oh! Whoa! Hey!
Put me down! Put me down!

[Crowd murmuring]

Well, this was fun.

[Carnival announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
The park will be closing in minutes.

you okay?

Now you wanna talk?

Because earlier I asked you for help,

and you left me hanging.

And then, you actually picked me up
in front of everyone.

And, and you actually left me hanging.

[Laughs]

Are you seriously
laughing at me right now?

Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, all right?

It's just that...
That there's this clown, like,

right behind you and he's got
the same exact outfit as you.

Come on.

Hey. My bad, my bad.

Hey, just switch places with me,
so I don't got to look at it. Come on.

Great. Now I have to look at it.

Hey, look.
You don't understand the code.

Now, just because you had a bad night,

it doesn't mean you grab some kid
and b*at the crap out of him.

He stole Mya's money,
and he ruined my best chance,

my only chance to have fun with her
at the carnival.

It's like... I mean, I don't know.
What else was I supposed to do?

All right, look, primo.
Fighting is my way to solve a problem.

And yes, it does make me,
like, extremely cool,

but it doesn't have to be your way.

Hey, you know what?

Hey, call your little girlfriend back.

And you guys meet me
at the back gate in minutes.

Why? This place is gonna be closed.

I have a plan. Look for my signal.

Wait. What signal?

You're making a big reveal
out of fixing something you broke?

That's rich.

Open your eyes.

[Sighs]

Oh, my goodness.
Look how beautiful.

And you got everything back the right way.
And you added that little light.

But here's the best part. This...
Is the drea shelf,

for all your precious keepsakes
that matter to us.

You boys.

Is that my charger?

Yeah, we didn't really have
anything good yet,

but we'll find some better stuff soon.

Also, there was a lot
of human teeth on there.

We threw those away, because that's gross.

Okay. Well, I love it and it's wonderful.
Thank you.

You, you did it again?

- g*dd*mn it!
- Oh, come on.

[Mondo] So glad you like it.

I can always count on you, you know?

- What are we waiting for?
- I don't know.

He said to come out here
and that we were to see something.

What is that?

The Mexican bat-signal.

- Brown knight rises!
- That seems r*cist.

Harris is Filipino, it's close enough.

Psst. Hey. Come on. Let's go.
Come on. Hurry up.

I broke curfew for this?

What's going on, uncle Rollie?

[Sighs] You guys
got the place all to yourselves.

[Electricity trilling]

[Chill music playing]

Yo!

Damn, I'm like the king of the park.

I wish there was some girls here
to see me.

Well, let's go! Come on!

- What the hell, man?
- Hey, what's up, Chris?

You know I did you a favor
by bringing you on, right?

Yeah, look.

Look, here's the money
back from my shift, all right?

They had a rough night.
Hey, hey, do me a favor,

give them like minutes
before you call the cops, all right?

[Sighs] Man, if I had an uncle like you,

my life might've turned out differently.

Probably not.

[Upbeat music playing]

Oh, it's the photo booth! Come on!

All right. All right. All right.

Uh-oh. They're coming out.
Let's see. What was that?

Goofball.

Hey. What is going on? Where is primo?

Hey, just relax.

They're fine.

Hey, hey,
why don't you ride the gravitron,

since you're not tall enough to ride it
during regular business hours.

[Siren blares]

- Great job.
- [Indistinct radio chatter]

- [Whistles]
- No! What the...

That's uncle Rollie's
"the cops are coming" whistle.

We gotta go.

[Indistinct radio chatter]

[Sighs] Let me handle this.

No. Let me handle this. I'm in the army.
They are law enforcement.

There's a mutual respect there.
Just let me do the talking.

What's going on here?

Good evening, ma'am, sir.

Mike Gonzalez,
U.S. army recruitment office.

Let me explain to you
what's happening here.

Do you remember when Halle Berry
was married to David justice?

[Door slams]

Hey, Rollie, I'm halfway through.

Aye, nice work, bro.

No, it's not.
Every one of those is wrong.

He's just writing
different types of weapons.

Hey. We measure effort, Mike, not results.
Hey, good job, viper.

[Exhales] Don't touch me.

Okay.

[Dogs barking]

You gonna be in trouble?

Well, I'm an hour late past my curfew,
so, yeah, I'm pretty much dead.

I'm sorry everything got so crazy.

[Crickets chirping]

[Dramatic music playing]

What was that for?

Tonight was the most fun I've had
since I moved here.

And that's my mom. Or my dad.
Either way, you should probably run.

Now. Go.

Yes!

[Upbeat music playing]

What do you think?

You were right.

I look dope.

[Dramatic music playing]

[Andrea]
next on Primo...

Both of you, sit.

Why'd you take that candy bar?

I decided what you did earned a spin
of the punishment wheel.

Banks are scams. I like my money
in my house, where it's safe.

You got robbed earlier today
by your nine-year-old daughter.

Ah! They're hot!

What if, and I know
this is highly unlikely...

Jay, no movie-style bank heist

is going to happen in this
regional San Antonio bank branch.