01x06 - The Candy Bar

[bunniefuu]

[Upbeat music playing]

[Rafa] So, let me warn you right now.

Almost all of these this time
are intimacy related.

Okay. Why?

Well, it started
because The incredibles Was on TV,

and uncle rollie said
that the mom was built right

and then they all started talking
about it and you know how it goes.

I got it.

Okay. So, what does
"foreplay of the soul" mean?

Uncle Ryan said that whoever's working
the hardest during sex,

that's where the baby's gonna be?

Uncle rollie said if you have sex,

then the girl can get
on a trampoline afterward.

So, uncle mondo also said
to only have sex during a full moon.

Uncle Mike said
that if the girl's on top during sex,

her egg can fall out of her
and into the man and get him pregnant.

Uncle rollie said... uncle Mike said...

Uncle Ryan said... uncle Jay said...

Uncle rollie said... uncle Ryan said...

Don't go to any of your uncles
about anything intimacy related ever,

for the rest of your life.

[Theme music playing]

[Rafa] Where do I see myself in years?

Incredible question,
so thoughtful, thank you for asking.

Well, when my uncle rollie was ,

he got out of jail early
for good behavior.

And when Mr. Shawn Jay-Z Carter was ,

he dropped Reasonable doubt.

I'm aiming
for somewhere between those points.

Well, that is terrific.

You mentioned you come from struggle,
which they always eat up.

You show you're interested in music
and you're goal-oriented.

- Great college interview answer.
- Cool.

Clean that up, and you've also got
a great start to an essay.

Let's go to the board.

Oh, you, you wanna work on the essay now?

[Mary] Yeah.

I know we're running a little over
but I feel like we got momentum.

Uh, my friends are riding
a super skateboard

and I'm supposed to meet them at noon.

What's a super skateboard?

It's like a giant piece of plywood.

Nail a skateboard to each corner.

Bang, super skateboard.

Shouldn't there be a skateboard
in the middle for support?

We're not building
a space shuttle here, rafa.

We're trying to haul ass
down a hill and maybe get hurt.

Yeah.

Meet us after your college class thing.

- Okay.
- Do you have a helmet?

- No.
- Good.

Yeah.

Rafa, there are two roads here,

the metaphorical one
that you're on right now,

which probably leads to college,

and the literal one
that your friends are on

which probably leads
to the emergency room.

Which one sounds best?

Uh, yeah. Okay.

[Mary] Let's get to work.

[Announcer] Welcome back to broken home.

last week, our hosts, Mario and courtney

were rebuilding a hundred-year old
Craftsman and their marriage.

I have more faith in their marriage.
That craftsman clearly has dry rot.

Hmm, dry rot can be overcome.
Emotional infidelity cannot.

- What'd I miss?
- We're about to get the mold report.

And also, Mario knows about the affair.

[Phone vibrates]

- Pause it.
- Pause yourself.

Uh-hmm.

Hi, baby girl.

Hi, daddy.
Can I have money for the ice cream truck?

sure. Get some money
out of the money coats.

The petty cash one.

- Money coats?
- Yeah,

I got a whole new financial system.

Checkered for checking,

stripes for savings,

member's only for making mom's
Toyota tercel payments,

vest for vacation,
and poncho for petty cash.

Here. Start your own coats.

You gotta stop doing this.
Money belongs in the bank.

No. Banks are scams.

I like my money
in my house where it's safe.

Safe? You buried it
in the backyard and it rotted.

And then you hid it in the attic
and some owls use it to make a nest.

Take this somewhere else.

They just found out they have termites
and the affair

Courtney was having
was with the exterminator.

Can you open an account
like a normal human being?

Let it go, Ryan.

I'm not taking advice from someone
so young they can't even grow a beard.

A mustache is a beard for the lip.

[Phone vibrates]

Hey, did you tell Julissa she could get
Some money from the coat to buy ice cream

yes.

[Denise] Well,
She took all the poncho cash

and bought $ worth of choco tacos.

thank you, daddy. Thank you, daddy.
Thank you, daddy. Thank you, daddy.

shut up.

Hey guys, wait up.

We did wait for an hour.

I guess you and your coat
were too busy at the news station

getting ready to give the weather.

I'm sorry. Ms. Pedraza made me
do extra essay stuff in the college thing.

What's your essay about? How
you're gonna be a virgin till you're ?

"And now for weather, we go to rafa."

"Thanks Miguel, it's looking like
it's gonna be very dry until I'm ."

You all done?
You get 'em all out?

You need three people
for a super skateboard.

We had to invite Carlos from homeroom.

That dude's cool.

He's already going bald.

I thought he cut his hair like that.

No. Bald.

Dude, that sucks.

Harris, your mom wants you
to break down the boxes in the back

and then stock the cooler.

Ugh. When I inherit this place,
I'm getting rid of the cooler.

No more ice.
Catch you guys later.

Abolish ice. Hmm. Get it?

No, nerd.

What is with you today, man?

What's with me? What's with you?

You've been Mia every weekend.

It's just you and Mrs. Pedraza
writing your book

about what a perfect little boy
you are or whatever.

All right. That, you know that
that's not what we're doing.

I don't know anything.

What are you doing?

Hey, y'all stop right there.

Go!

I'm calling drea! Oof!

My mom is gonna cut my head off.

That's just gonna be her first move.
That's just how she's gonna start.

It's only gonna get worse from there.

I can't control my feet.

I keep telling them not to walk
to my house and they won't listen.

Why'd you take that candy bar?

I don't know.
You just kept messing with me.

It started to feel like back in the day
when you were always on me.

I don't know.

Here's what's gonna happen, all right?

- Your mom, she's gonna lose your mind.
- Well, yeah.

And she's gonna yell at me
for a minute and then she'll yell at you.

And she'll send me home and my grandpa

probably won't even really understand
what's going on.

And we'll both be in trouble
for a while and that's it.

We should get rid of the evidence.
Is there like a pizza oven around here?

Or one of those junkyard crusher things,

or I could tie it to a rock
and throw it in the river.

That works.

[Door closes]

Both of you, sit.

In my store...

My place of work...

Do you have no respect for me?

Answer me.

- Of course...
- Uh, yeah.

Close your mouths.

Esther told me everything.

First of all,
I am so disappointed in you, Miguel.

Stealing? Stealing?

How could you do that?
I mean, what were you thinking?

What, why is that something
you would even consider?

Answer me.

- Uh, I, I...
- Close your mouth.

And you,

you just stood by and let Miguel do this?

Um, you know better than that, rafa.
You should have said something.

I just can't believe you would
do something so stupid, Miguel.

You coulda gotten into some real trouble.

You coulda gotten rafa
into real trouble for no reason.

Do you have anything to say for yourself?

No, ma'am.

Good.

You sit here and think about this

while I figure out
what I'm gonna do with you.

That went pretty well, I thought.

Considering.

[Upbeat music playing]

I mean, Esther must have only seen you
take the candy bar and not me.

I don't know.

You gotta say something.
You didn't say anything.

Well, to be fair, neither did you.

Yeah, 'cause I don't snitch
on my friends.

But we both did this.

You shoulda told her you stole something,
too, so we're both in trouble.

That's on you.

I know. Sorry. It's my bad.

It's, I just, I just panicked.
I'm new at crime.

I'll tell her though.

Miguel, kitchen, now.

Sorry, I lied. I'm never telling her.

Miguel, I decided what you did
earned a spin of the punishment wheel.

Like a game?

Yeah, like a game,
where every prize is pain.

As long as you don't get
"spreadsheet tutorial with uncle Ryan,"

you'll be mostly okay.
That's the worst one.

But whatever you get, I'm gonna help.

That's okay, rafa.

I'm the one
who screwed up so I'll do this myself.

Hot stone therapy?

That doesn't sound that bad.

Move these rocks to that side of the yard.

Oh, now I get why it's bad.

Uh-hmm.

I'm gonna get my chair.
I'll be right back.

Oh! Ah! They're hot!

You were told they'd be hot.

What's up, primo? Cheese?

No.

- How about we take a walk?
- Why?

I have errands to run
and I can use some company.

Grab your shoes
and see if you can find my shoes.

I swear I took them off when I got here,
but I may not have been wearing any.

You have some shoes I can borrow?

What size do you wear?

Uh-hmm.

You don't know?

First of all, thank you
for trusting me with your family security

and tacitly acknowledging
that I am an adult with things to offer.

As the senior account professional
currently scheduled to work today,

you made the right decision
when it comes to your financial future.

- This was a mistake.
- Okay. No, hold on.

Hold on. Sit down.

Okay.
Um, why'd you bring all your coats?

You told me to bring my money.
My money's in the coats.

Before we start,
all financial institutions

are money grubbing pirates
that bank Rob with fees and fraud.

Got it.

That being said,
I want an account for each coat category.

Okay.

Fill out this form for checking.

Um, how much will you be depositing?

There should be $ ,
in paper cash in the right pocket

and ten dollars in coins
in the left pocket.

Okay.

Something interesting over here?
Eyes on your own money.

Okay. Sorry, Janice. Lunatic.

Okay. You should, uh,
also open a savings account,

a plan for the girls
and maybe buy some munis.

- Munis?
- Yeah, it means municipal bonds.

No lingo.
Anything with bank lingo I'm not doing.

Don't try to swindle me
with your half words.

Okay. Why don't you just be
real mad over there

and let me just figure all this out?

I'm taking this as collateral.
And keep Janice away from my coats.

- She's got rat eyes.
- Okay.

Again, sorry, Janice.
I, I think it's your glasses.

But you, you should get Lasik.

Do you know
how the punishment wheel was invented?

Years ago, rollie threw firecrackers
at what turned out

to be a first communion or something.

So father Montoya tried to punish him

by making him weed
the garden of the church

and, of course, rollie got bored and he...

He started smashing jesuses and cactuses.

So you know what I said?

I said I'm gonna do what the church can't,
boom, punishment wheel.

[Breaths heavily]

Done.

Good job.

You know what?
Now that I'm looking at it,

I actually think these rocks
should be moved to the backyard.

But you just said...

Forget what I said before.

Get to work.

Here we go, first stop.

Whose house is this?

I don't know.

But I saw this plant on my walk
every day and it needed to be cared for,

so I started watering it.

Cool. Are we done? Can we go home now?

I keep this here
so the sprinklers fill it at night.

Oh, okay. I get it.

This is a metaphor.
That's what you're doing?

So, am I the plant?
Am I the water?

Am I the can?

Just an errand.

Check the trash can,
see if there's any food.

There's half a bag of moldy bread.

Perfect. Grab it.

You grab it.

Every time I hang out with this guy,
you gotta dig through a trash can.

Almost done.

Uh, just sign this
for the college fund, and we're good.

Feels weird knowing there's no money
in all those coats.

And I'd say it's weird
that there was money in any of them ever.

All right. You're all set.

Welcome to adulthood,
my -year-old brother.

Let me see my money one more time.

Okay. There you go.

No. The actual money I gave you.
The actual cash. Where is it?

It's in here, you weirdo.
It's in the bank.

I don't like this.

I like holding it.
I like physically knowing where it is.

It's... Jesus, man.

The vault is in the back.
That's where they keep the cash.

Vaults get robbed.

Yeah. And so do closets.

Yeah. And you got robbed earlier today
by your nine-year-old daughter.

So, anytime I want, I can go to the atm
and get cash out to pay my crew, right?

Yes. As long as you don't need
more than $ per day.

That's the atm limit.

I definitely need more than that.
Lots of my guys gotta get paid in cash.

I can't be coming here five days in a row
in order to get enough out to pay them.

Okay. No problem.
We'll set you up with direct deposit.

This is exactly what I was afraid of.

I don't know
how I let you talk me into this.

I didn't talk you into anything.
Stop acting like I'm trying to hustle you.

No.

Close all these accounts
and give me my money back.

Put the money back
in those coats, exactly how it was,

including the $ in coins
that I had in the left pocket.

I'll be in the parking lot.

The rule is "one per customer."

And you're not even a customer!
[Sighs]

What, Janice? What?

Rat eyes.

Now, Mike, he needed some discipline.

He sold my TV to get some extra money
to buy what he swore were dinosaur eggs.

This was right after Jurassic world
Came out.

Truth be told, I, I kind of thought
they were dinosaur eggs, too.

Turns out, they were just smooth rocks.

So, that's how
this particular punishment was born.

[Exhales] There.

Done. Again.

You know what? I hate it.

I think I was right the first time.
Move these back to the front yard.

No. Nah. I'm not doing it.

- I'm done.
- Excuse me?

I've been moving these rocks all day.

Yeah.
Because that's your punishment.

Because you stole something

and we don't do that
in this house, Miguel.

Now, pick up these rocks
and move them back to the front yard.

[Exhales]

Thank you.

I'll be in the house.
Come see me when you're done.

[Chicken cackles]

Do you know who owns these chickens?

No.

It's a good feeling,
isn't it, feeding them?

You and this chicken are connected now.

I don't wanna be connected to a chicken.

What's the matter, primo?

Your hands are empty,
but you seem to be carrying a lot.

It just sucks that Miguel's in trouble.

- That's his thing, though, right?
- Yeah.

Or... no.

I don't know.

Technically, I was with him.

Hmm.

Well, don't be so hard on yourself.
There's nothing you can do about it now.

Bread?

No. It's moldy.

Mold is just organic penicillin.

Uncle mondo, mold and penicillin
are not the same thing.

Well, I've eaten a lot of mold
and I've never had an infection.

You absolutely have.

Hmm.

You know what? I'm done.
I just wanna go home, play video games.

Okay.

Okay. I get it.

You want me to go home
and play video games

'cause you know
I usually play video games with Miguel.

I just figured out your whole plan, man.

- My plan?
- Yeah.

For you to do the thing
you said you wanted to do?

Oh. And you'd love that, wouldn't you?

Of course, I'd love it if you were happy.

You're sick, you know that?
I should've seen this coming.

Typical uncle mondo just trying to make
sure everyone's happy and full of love.

You know what?

It is not my fault that Miguel
stole that candy bar from the store, okay?

I didn't make him do it.
I mean, I'm not perfect.

I've done things that are wrong.
Yeah. And some of those things

were immediately before the things
that he did.

But maybe I wanna feel bad
about those things.

Maybe that's my "journey."

Get away from me, chicken!
I'm not your friend!

No! No!

[Chicken cackles]

[Upbeat music playing]

- I know what you're gonna say.
- Do you have any fritos?

Oh. I guess I didn't know
what you were gonna say.

It's all right.

I know you're going
through something heavy,

but also, I want some fritos.

I did something crappy to Miguel.

I screwed up and you figured it out.

How'd you know?

I didn't know.
But it was pretty obvious

you had pounds of pain
sitting on your chest.

All I did was show you a few acts
of caring and love, and attention,

and figured that would help you
confront whatever was causing you pain.

So, how do I fix it?

Well, the longer you take to apologize,
the harder it gets,

so let's get off this wall, head home,
make a quick stop for fritos and then...

I don't have any money.

Let's get off this wall,
head home, and you can make it right.

I also feel bad
about yelling at that chicken.

What took you so long?
I ate like half those lollipops.

Janice had to refill the jar.
Thanks, Janice.

We got to know each other.

Turns out she's a lovely person
and she doesn't care for you at all.

Yeah. Well,
all the money's back in the coats.

You can take them home and reestablish
the burlington cash factory,

if that's what you want.

- It is.
- Nope. Wait.

I get that your job
is to run your business,

and pay your workers on time.

But my job is to keep
people's money safe, and I'm good at it.

I know what I'm doing here, Jay.

Fine. Maybe there's a compromise.

There is. And I already found it.

I swear to god, Janice.

Safety deposit box.
You can come in during bank hours

and take out as much as you want,
no limit.

It's actual regular cash.
And only you have access, so it's safe.

But I did leave
the money in the girls' college fund.

That work for you?

You did good.

One question, what if,
and I know this is highly unlikely...

Ocean's eleven Cannot happen here.

Okay. But what if...

Neither can The town.

good. But...

Jay, no movie-style bank heists
is going to happen

in this regional San Antonio bank branch.

[Clears throat] I'm done.

And I'm sorry for everything.

And I just wanted to say
thank you for all the meals,

and for letting me sleepover
all those times.

Why are you talking
like you're never gonna see me again?

I don't know, 'cause I'm not, right?

It's what you said.
Since I stole that thing.

That's what you said.

[Sighs]

Miguel, when I said,
"we don't do that in this house,"

you're included in the "we."

Do you remember when you and I first met?

You and rafa were in the sixth grade.

I never had the mom of the kid
I was bullying come to my house before.

I thought you were gonna be so mad at me.

I was.

But then you said
all those nice things about me

to my grandparents,
and, and invited me over for, for dinner.

That's right.

That invitation is still open, Miguel.
Always will be.

I am furious at you

and that's why you spun
the punishment wheel.

But that doesn't change the other things.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah. I think so.

Good.

Don't steal again.

Yes, ma'am.

That was my water.

Oh, my god.

[Door opens]

Hey.

Uh, are you done moving those rocks?

Yeah. Yeah. I was, uh,
I was just talking to your mom.

She's cool.

Yeah.

Hey. So, I'm sorry about earlier.

I didn't have your back.

Yeah, that sucked.

But I get it.

I'm, I'm sorry
that I was messing with you.

No. No, man. Don't worry about it.

Me, i'm, I'm sorry
that I was late to hang out earlier.

Yeah, yeah. No.
The college thing is important.

Damn, we got a lot of stuff
to apologize for today.

Yeah.

Hey. So, are you doing anything now?
You wanna hang out?

What do you wanna do?

Yes.

You're right.
The extra board makes it more secure.

Yeah. We're definitely gonna crash
and get hurt though.

No doubt. Let's do it.

Yeah.

Okay.

[Whooping]

Oh, my god, we're going
like miles an hour right now, dude.

Oh, raspberries.

[Theme music playing]