01x07 - The Recruitment Fair

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe
I didn't know this about you.

- Nobody does.
- I mean,

i knew you liked to read romance novels,
but I had no idea you wanted to write one.

I actually started already.

You did?

I did. Yeah.
I even, um, I came up with my pen name.

Ruby sapphire Pearl.

- Oh, girl, you sound so expensive.
- Yeah.

Check it out.

[Esther] Wait. Is that Usher?

No.

- Wait. Is that you?
- No. That's just another woman.

Just some regular woman. It's not me.

[Esther] Girl, that's the store we're in.

- No, it's not.
- Okay.

Then what's the book about?

A famous R&B singer
stops in at a convenience store

after a concert in town and
he falls in love with the store manager.

Uh-hmm.

What? It's not Usher and it's not me.

Okay. All right.
So what's the book called?

I have a few different options.

- Like what?
- All right.

Maybe something like,

- "his body was weary from the road.
- [Esther] Uh-hmm.

- Her body was weary from the world."
- Yeah.

- They both needed something.
- What'd they need?

- "Night pump."
- Oh, that's good.

- That's good.
- Yeah?

"The store wasn't
the only thing open hours."

- [Esther] Oh.
- "A pump of convenience."

Oh, keep going. Come on.

"A mysterious stranger in need of gas,

an enticed store manager
in need of so much more."

"Pump her up."

Damn. Usher's doing a lot of pumping.

It's not Usher, Esther!

[Theme music playing]

[Birds chirping]

[Rafa] I was thinking of checking out
The school play next week.

they're doing a stage adaptation
Of Training day,

but instead of cops,
it's gonna be teachers.

They're calling it Explaining day.
Are you gonna go?

I was really looking forward to it,
but my parents won't let me go.

They heard the theatre kids
got busted for butt-chugging.

Oh, bummer.
Wait, what's butt-chugging?

[Scoffs] It's exactly
what you think it is.

What happened to good
old-fashioned heroin? You know?

Or when people smoked cr*ck
In the parking lot after school.

you know, those are the days that I miss.

- [Mya laughs]
- [Steve] Who's that on the phone

[Mya] Hey, dad.

it's rafa.

- Don't say my name.
- [Steve] Rafa,

the kid who kept you out late?

[Mya] At the carnival? Yeah.

please stop giving him details.

What is she supposed to do,
young man, lie to me?

[Rafa] May I hang up, sir?

were you one of the butt-chuggers?

- Drink with your mouth, son.
- [Disconnects call]

Rafa, did you hang up?

He hung up.

It's over. Mr. Perkins is never gonna
let Mya hang out with us

if he thinks I smoke cr*ck.

Which I don't.

No one thinks you smoke cr*ck, man.

You got a stomachache
from a gummy vitamin.

Is Mya's dad the army guy
with all the g*ns?

Mm, no. He's air force. They got drones.

He could probably k*ll rafa
with a m*ssile he controls from his phone.

Great. Now, I have to worry
about airborne strikes too.

Dude, relax. You're in a great spot.
You are the bad boy now.

- I didn't do anything bad.
- So?

Forbidden love, that's the key
to all great love stories.

Romeo and Juliet, Dad hated him.

Gnomeo and Juliet, Dad hated him.

He's right.
Your next move, actually do dr*gs.

Or at least show up to school drunk.

Take advantage of the situation.

Then her dad will never let her see you
and you will be golden, my guy.

He definitely already hates me.

Mya sent me phone emoji,
circle slash emoji, skull emoji,

and then a screenshot of her contacts

where she changed my number
to "scam likely."

Yeah, you're toast. Good as droned.

Maybe I should switch schools.

Or I could drop out
and move into the woods.

Or... you k*ll mister Perkins first.

A preemptive strike.
Then you'll be the ultimate bad boy.

I'm not gonna blow up mister Perkins,
Miguel.

I'm so tired of hanging out
with you losers.

Where's Jay?

I need help unloading my sculptures
and he's the only one mature enough

not to comment on their erotic nature.

They're all wangs.
You expect us not to comment on that?

He's out of town on a job.
He'll be back tomorrow.

I'd offer to help,
but I've got a big day today.

Completely unreachable until : .

Anybody wanna ask me why?

All right. Well... my life then, huh?

[Door closes]

- Mike.
- [Mike] Hmm.

- Come help me at the flea market.
- [Mike] I can't.

There's a job fair at primo's school.
I'm working the army recruitment booth.

Also, I do not wanna touch your penis art.

[Mondo] It's not just "penis art."

It's an artistic exploration
attempting to demystify

the phallus in our culture.

They've got veins.

Rollie?

Hey, no, can do.

I hooked up with the flea market mascot
who turned out to have crabs.

They're crazy, right? A flea with crabs?

[Laughs] Hey, life's a highway, man.

They hired a new lady
to wear the flea costume.

- Come on.
- All right. I'm in.

Can't get crabs twice.

Uh, rafa, what are your plans today?

Before you answer that,

have you considered
working the job in recruitment fair

with your cool uncle Mike?

Not once have I considered that.

Come on. Help me out.
Competition this year is gonna be tough.

The Navy guys,
they're using the swimming pool

for seal team demonstrations.

Mya's dad is doing the air force booth.
He brought a flight simulator.

Mya's dad is gonna be there?

Yeah. A lot of people's dads
are gonna be there.

Well, if you really
need my help, then yeah, sure.

- Really?
- [Rafa] Yeah.

Okay. Cool. Yeah.

You're finally gonna get
to see me do what I do.

We have an obstacle course.

If a kid makes it all the way through,
boom, camouflage keychains.

Why would you wanna
make keys harder to find?

See? You're already
a valuable member of the team.

We're gonna go with the stress balls.

Let's go. You carry that.

- Have fun.
- [Rafa] Bye.

Okay. Love you.

- [Mike] Bye.
- Bye.

[Mike] After you.

Gone, gone, out, gone, gone, gone.

Oh, my god. They're all gone.

Eight hours of nothing.

[Upbeat music playing]

[Indistinct chatter]

How's this? I arranged them all by size.

I like it. It's like an erotic staircase.

Morning, mondo. Great day for leather.
Real leather weather.

Leave me alone, Gary.

You must be one of mondo's many brothers.

I'm Gary morales.
But you can call me leatherman.

Is this a leather business card?

It sure is, peanut.

And I only made one, so I need it back.

Take a good look. Memorize it.

- "Leatherman at leatherman.Biz."
- That's right.

New drop today, Muchachos.
Business will be brisk.

You don't mind if I take this, do you?

Sorry about your dicks.

- Hey, I'll be right back.
- Where are you going?

I'm gonna go cave this guy's head in.

And I gotta do it quick,
so it doesn't become "premeditated."

Rollie, v*olence is never right.

Hey, what's the deal with this guy?

It's a long story.
And I don't wanna get into it.

We can just display
the sculptures on the blanket.

It'll look more natural,

like the penises
are growing out of the earth.

[Upbeat music playing]

Okay. So you're being extra weird today.

No, I'm not. My dream girl
is coming into the bank today.

Priscilla Diaz.

I've been handling her accounts
for three months now and I'm telling you,

she is the one.
Today, we finally meet.

She's "the one," and you've never met her?

That's right.
I know everything I need to know.

She has a fully funded roth ira.

She moved her money
from fixed income and into equities

to perfectly take advantage
of the bull market of .

So yeah, she's got it all.

Why don't you just
be normal and date someone

who you've actually
seen before like Claudia?

Claudia? She collects beanie babies.

Those are endangered animals.

And she only gets those
because she donates to a wildlife charity.

Oh, so she just gives her money away?
Uh, real smart.

Priscilla Diaz would never do that.
Plus, she's only an account manager.

- You're an account manager.
- Exactly.

You date for the job you want,
not the job you have.

[Mike] The key to a successful
recruitment fair is determination.

And discipline.

And dedication.

And bouncy castles.

That's a lot of keys.

Maybe we should've
brought those keychains after all.

Hi, Mr. Perkins. Sir.

San Antonio's very own nino brown.
How's the cr*ck cocaine business?

Oh. Ha. Very funny joke.

But I would never sell
cr*ck cocaine or smoke it.

I, I don't even cr*ck jokes, or eggs,
or anything else that you can cr*ck,

especially cocaine.

Are you high right now?

Another good one.
Wow. You're on a roll today, sir.

No, of course, I'm not high.
High on patriotism, maybe.

Other than that, completely sober.
Do you have a breathalyzer?

Or a cup. Uh, you know, for pee?

I, I'd be... I'd be so happy
to give you some of my urine, sir.

It would be an absolute honor
and a privilege.

Just one without pens.

I don't want your urine, Rafael.

Right.

Hey, bud.
I know what's going on here.

You do?

I know you're scared.

But this obstacle course
is completely safe.

Why don't you give it
a practice run before we start?

- Come on. I'll time you.
- [Rafa] I don't really...

- [Mike] Ready?
- [Rafa] Watch out.

Crawl and weave!

Crawl and weave, primo. Crawl and weave!

Let's go! Let's go! Come on. Jump!

sn*per got you.
You're dead. Start over.

[Mike] All right. Shoes off.
I'll be back to time you.

Remember, there's a lot
of jobs in the army,

it's not just combat.
That's important to tell these kids.

- Uh-huh.
- And a good thing about having you here

is everyone will know right away clearly

you do not have to fight.

- Absolutely.
- This is fun, huh?

You and me, quality time?

Primo, let me run something by you.

Why do you think
I don't have a girlfriend?

I mean, I got the prescription deodorant,
so it's not that anymore.

Yeah, totally.

Hello there. I'm Ryan,
senior executive account manager.

It would be my honor to assist you

with all your needs today,
Ms. Lisa guzman?

Ugh. Paul can help you.

Paul? This chick needs something.

[Telephone ringing in distance]

Hey, do you want me to take over
greeting the customers?

'Cause you're being such a jackass today.

I'm sorry. I'm fine. I got it. Yeah.

Oh, also apparently
the outdoor atm is down.

Yes. There's a McDonald's pancake
in the deposit slot.

What?

I'm sorry, I should be more clear.

I stuffed a McDonald's pancake
in there so that it would break.

So then everybody would have to come in,

and then I can finally meet
the woman that I'm in love with.

Oh. Today is the day you meet
"investment account ending in ?"

Yup. Claudia, let me ask you a question.
Imagine that you work at a bank.

- I do work in a bank.
- Great. Stay with that.

Now, imagine that you're trying
to impress a client

whose account information
you are very familiar with.

Which of these ties would you choose?

I think you look good in both.

Well, great. That's not helpful.
Thanks for nothing, Anna wintour.

[Singer singing in Spanish]

- [Cartoons on TV]
- [Laughing]

[Cries] What is...
He's never even seen the sunlight, it's...

[Singer singing in Spanish]

She led him to the stockroom,
where he revealed his inventory.

Oh, his, his rising inventory.

Oh, that's good. Rising.

That's so good, Esther. Yeah.

[Singer singing in Spanish]

[Gasps]

The baby has amnesia?

Oh, my god.

[Latin music playing]

[Singer singing in Spanish]

[Groans]

Leather underwear. Leather visor.
Ma'am?

Leather onesie for the little one?
It's treated. The poop slides right off.

[Woman] No, thanks.

No? Your baby's ugly anyway.

Hey! You got mud on our blanket!

You should've put your stuff on a table.

Rollie, don't.

Hey, you gotta tell me
what's up with this guy.

Believe it or not,
leatherman used to be my best friend.

Back then, he was just "Gary."

[Indistinct chatter]

[Mondo] It was the end
Of strawberry season.

after the harvest,
We both had money to spend.

I have a business proposition for you.

There's a cattle auction coming to town.
What if you and I went in half on a cow?

[Mondo] I was thrilled.
It was like having a thousand-pound dog.

that cow and I,
We had a spiritual connection.

like we had been friends in a past life.

good girl!

I thought he loved her as much as I did.

but soon I discovered
That he had very different intentions.

everything went great!
We should at least double our money.

How could you do this?

I lost two friends that day.
The cow d*ed and Gary did, too.

Leatherman was born in his place.

Yo, I remember Gary now.
From years ago. Yeah, that guy's a d*ck.

Hey, you're carving them for a living,

but can't see when there's
a human one right in front of you?

You know
what the difference between us is?

That I choose peace.
That's why I've never been to jail.

Except for that time that I did ayahuasca
and went into the ihop without pants.

Hey, look, you don't want me to fight him?
I won't fight him.

But you gotta stand up for yourself.

If not for you, then do it for...
Uh, what was your dog cow's name?

Moo-chelle pfeiffer.

Yeah, moo-chelle.

You're under enemy fire.

Your platoon is the last hope
to get this nuclear warhead to safety.

The fate of the United States
of america is in your hands.

Godspeed.

[Device beeps]

[Whistle blows]

Juan! Too slow! You're dead.
Pass the nuke to Carla.

- Hey, are you timing this?
- Yeah, sorry.

Uh, Carla's got seconds left
before that b*mb destroys San Antonio.

Excuse me just one sec.

Leave him behind, Carla!
It's too late for him!

Keep going!

Ah, the old, uh, f- strike eagle.

- Yeah.
- Nice.

Mind if I give her a whirl?

Well, the olive garden recruiter
brought out the free breadsticks

and everyone ran over there,
so, sure. Go crazy.

- Okay.
- Let's get you set up here.

I think I see.

Yeah. Check her out.

[Planes hovering over monitor]

[Beeping]

[expl*si*n]

Direct hit. Not bad.

Thank you, sir.

- Enjoy that leather toilet seat cover.
- I will.

Man, I'm crushing carcass today.
How's the wooden d*ck business?

Ironically, it looks like a soft market.

Hey, take your revenge.
Do it for moo-chelle.

Oh, is that what you're thinking about?

Your old cow friend? [Laughs]
That is hilarious.

She was my first m*rder*d cow.
I still wear her sometimes, mondo.

She tanned up good. Real good.

[Upbeat Latin music playing]

[Yells] No! My leather goods!

[Indistinct chatter]

Look me in the eyes, Gary.
Look me in the eye...

This revenge had a lot more urine
than I was anticipating.

How much is it usually?

Zero.

[Mondo] Uh-hmm.

[Rollie chuckles]

Nice job.
One of the best scores I've seen all day.

Thank you.

I appreciate you letting me test her out.

What are you doing?

Destroying tanks
with heat-seeking missiles.

Wack. You're supposed to be
helping me at the army booth.

I was counting on you and you let me down.

Seems like you let each other down.

[Mike] Oh, no.
Evacuate the obstacle course!

You are in danger!

The structural integrity
has been compromised!

- Army.
- [Mike] Evacuate now!

He'll be fine.
He's very good at evacuations.

He doesn't give a crap
about helping me recruit kids

into the armed forces.
It's basically treason!

- What?
- [Mike] He lied to me, drea!

- yeah.
- [Mike] And I know you think

i get defensive about defending america,

- but defending america...
- No, no, I think you're great,

uh, in america.

Is literally my job.

I have dedicated my life
to making us all safe.

And the first rule of boot camp, drea,
is that you respect your uncle.

That is why they call him uncle Sam, drea.

Family is important.

[Mike] That's what I'm saying!

well, I'm sure
you and Ryan will work it out, okay?

Talk soon.

Drea? Ryan's...

I'm not with Ryan!

[Sighs] God.

Just leave it alone. I'll do it myself.
Just like I did all day.

Uncle Mike, uh, that's my bad, okay?

Apologies not accepted.
We were supposed to be working in tandem,

to recruit soldiers and improve
the strength and might of the us m*llitary.

And...

- You hurt my feelings.
- I know.

It's just, Mya's dad kinda hates me,

and he's not gonna let Mya
hang out with me if he hates me.

So I thought I could,

I don't know, just spend some time
with him, try to get him on my side.

Well, whatever. You shouldn't have lied.

And your mom, I called her about it,
she completely agrees with me.

Yeah.
Yeah. I know.

Maybe she'll come next Saturday.

I guess.
You want some charcuterie?

Sure.

Nope. That ham is sweaty.

Yeah, this ham is fully wet. Mm.

Do not eat that.

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for being so cool today.
I'm sorry if I was a little nutty.

It's okay.

Or it's actually not "okay,"
because you're deeply weird,

but it's enough "okay"
that I can tell you it's okay.

[Laughs] Do you have any plans tonight?

Me and some friends
are going to a concert downtown.

You into music?

Hmm.

Come on, what's your favorite album?

Oh, no. You're gonna think it's stupid.

Probably.

It's Unleash the champion inside you,
By Bernie snorkis.

He's a motivational speaker.

Yup, stupid.

I know. It's just, I try
to focus on my career and my future,

so I don't spend a lot
of time listening to music.

I'm gonna make you a playlist.
You need normal, human interests.

Thanks.

And I'll make you
a playlist of my favorite

motivational speeches and Ted talks.

- Please do not do that.
- Absolutely not, I won't.

We'll release you,
but only once you've paid

for the merchandise you destroyed.

I can't. My only assets are sculptures
and an antique pan flute.

[Leatherman] Then I want him banned
from the flea market for life,

and extradited to Mexico.

"Extradited?"
you know I'm not the government, right?

[Mondo] This flea market
is the only way I have to make money.

I am not going back
to selling these door to door.

I got punched too many times.

[Rollie] Hey, how about this, Gary.

You screwed mondo
out of half a cow back in the day.

Hey, what do you say we call it even?

That was two hundred bucks, Amigo.

he ruined way more than that.

You didn't let me finish.

Hey, what do you say we call it even,

or I follow you home
and cave your head in?

That was a thr*at. Do something!

Again, I'm not the government.

Fine.

Fine!

I can't believe
how much anger I was holding in.

I can't believe you flipped over a table.
Hey, we should hang out more often.

Hey, I'm glad you stood up to that guy.
Some fights are worth fighting.

I mean, to me,
all fights are worth fighting.

But still, good for you.

Hey, what are you doing? I peed on that.

I'm gonna hose it down
and take it to the biker bar and sell it.

There are so many foul smells
coming out of that place,

- they won't even notice.
- I get a - split.

Hey, look at you.
Standing up for yourself.

But no, I'm keeping all the money.

Okay.

Hey. Good turnout?

It was okay. How about you?

Eh. A little worried about these kids,
I think they might be a bit soft.

Definitely.

My whole presentation was a video game.

And a bunch of them asked me
if I worked for gamestop.

I don't.

Hey, listen, um,
I'm sorry if primo was a little weird.

He's under a lot of pressure
but he's a good kid.

He was raised to respect his elders,

I think he was just trying
to make a good impression.

Is that right?

Maybe some of the things
Mya says about him are true.

They are. Unless they were bad.

In which case, your daughter is a liar.
Have a good night.

I'm glad I did not go to that barbecue.

Thanks for coming today.

To be honest,
I didn't really need your help.

You're actually pretty useless.
Militarily, I mean.

I just thought it might be cool
to hang with you a little.

You hungry?

Oh, my god, I'm starving.

I was too scared to eat
in front of Mya's dad.

I just felt like I was gonna get
something on my shirt, like always.

We'll get burgers on the way home.

By the way,
Mya talks to her dad about you.

You talked to him?

m*llitary kids don't talk
to their dads about anything,

so if she's talking about you,
that's a good sign.

For real?

That's kinda high-level intel you get

when you hang out
with your cool uncle Mike.

He was there too?

[Mike] Get in the truck.

[Sighs]

Hey, ma. We got burgers for everyone.

We ex*cuted a search
and rescue today, drea.

- Whole team's b*at.
- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.
- Hey, sis, I need, ammonia,

bleach, and a barrel.

That's going to create mustard gas.

Yeah, but I gotta get the piss out
of these leather clothes

- I'm gonna sell to a biker g*ng.
- What?

[Rollie] Thank you.

Well, I may never find love.

Play Bernie snorkis motivational quotes.

[Bernie snorkis] If you're poor,
It's your fault. Bernie snorkis...

man, shut that off.

I need water. I think I'm dehydrated.

Oh, nice.

I got ketchup on my shirt.

You haven't even started eating.
Your burger is still wrapped!

I told you. This is what happens.

You're right, you did tell me.

- How'd y'all's day go?
- [Mondo] Well, it was pretty good.

- [Rollie] Oh, man.
- [Mondo] ...Moo-chelle pfeiffer

and peed on a dead carcass...

Yeah, there was the leatherman guy.

And he tried to fight me but I was like,

"no, you're not gonna be able
to fight me."

[Indistinct chattering]

I'm good. Really good.

Is this is a leather onesie?

It sure is, peanut.

[Theme music playing]

[Andrea]
next on Primo...

What if she goes off and gets a boyfriend?

- At math camp?
- I just have to tell her.

Let me just walk you through it,
step by step.

How'd you keep this from us?

Easy, you're all oblivious.

We need to trust that
drea knows what she's doing.

We don't have any infor.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You wanna take a walk?
- Any final questions?

I think there's something
you need to know.

What?