01x06 - Apples and Self Service

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Oh, good morning, Mrs F--F--F--F--F--F--F--F--FJackson! Firelighters? Firelighters? C--Certainly, madam.

Step inside and take the weight off your purse.

No, he'll be up in a minute for his breakfast.

Don't you have any desire to wander round this comestibles wonderland? -- Not really.

-- Oh, bring your head in more often.

We have an offer on baked beans.

Perhaps he'd like some of them? Lflf you like an apple, th--these are firm these are firm and crisp and sweet.

'Course they don't burn like firelighters! Where do you want these? I said, where do you want Oh, heck, where's he gone now? -- (BELL) -- Good morning.

Won't keep you.

-- Someone in the shop! -- It's me, you d--dozy idiot! I've been halfway down the street, s--soliciting for customers! We don't get the normal customer any more.

Just a series of disappearing acts! I spend me time poking me head round the door! Where do you want these? See what I'm doing now? Talking to a cardboard box! Come on, my arms are getting longer! Just put them down anywhere.

Anywhere! Listen, Granville, pay attention to me.

We've got to get more of this leisure trade in, grab the casual customer, let me get me claws on him.

We must sh--shift some of these apples an' all.

-- They're not selling.

-- Not another sales drive! I want you to think apples! How else would a young man spend his adolescence (? ) I want you to be totally apple motivated all week! If someone goes out without buying an apple, we have fo--fa--fe--failed! -- What if they don't like apples? -- N--negative thinking, Granville! "N--negative thinking, Granville" (!) Ah, so solly! Ah, please to beg forgiveness, honourable ancestor! 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey! I don't want you blunting that sickle.

Put it down! If you want action, come here.

I've got a part for you.

Take an apple.

Now, when a customer comes into the shop, I want you to t--take a bite of that, b--but casually, as if you didn't know the customer was here.

-- Oh, heck! -- Hey, now listen, Vanessa! We don't want all that temperament! Just a little performance is all I require.

-- Ma--Ma--Ma--Ma -- Mare? M--M--M--Morning! Would you let me finish speaking, please?! (COCKNEY ACCENT) Are you having treatment for that? For what? -- Your impediment.

-- I haven't got an im--im--impediment! The only im--impediment I've got is him! What's up with him? I'm sick of trying to preserve a shred of emotional integrity in this crude commercial environment! Is that why you're talking to a shelf full of puff pastry?! What can you do with them at that age? Our Eileen's girl married one of them sociology graduates.

Perhaps we'll try that.

An ounce of Sweet Virginia and two packets of cigarette papers.

Don't just sell him something.

Talk to him about his dreams and aspirations! I see they've got the drains up again outside the slaughterhouse.

We never make any real contact! That's not what you said when you had your fingers up the light bulb socket! Now thenthere we are, sir.

That's 8090100.

Thank you.

B--By the way, one of these a day keeps the doctor away! Keeps him away? Have you tried to get hold of one lately?! Impediment, ch--cheeky devil! I'm f--fed up with these foreigners coming up here, taking our jobs! Right.

Come on, I want a bit of teamwork down here now.

I've got to start pulling a cart now, have I? -- No, no.

Just take hold of that.

-- All right.

Now what? I want you to bite it.

It's rotten! You're not practising on good ones.

They're for sale! Look, it's got a worm in it! Well, you're not blessed with uncontrollable wild teeth, are you? You can steer past a bit of worm! It's not a question of where it is now.

One has to ask oneself what it did on the surface when it went in! Well, let us b--be brave and face it.

The first thing it did was wipe 48 pairs of shoes covered in earwig manure! Eugh! No, for bright eyes and a glossy coat, the human body requires the trace element of earwig manure, you know.

No! Well, put it this way Why has life always got a worm in it? Ah, m--m--morning, Mrs Jardine.

Good morning, Mr Arkwright.

Do you have a large cocktail biscuit? I think so, yes.

How is Mr Jardine? Very well, thank you.

Still highly thought of at the works.

Yes, he puts in long hours, doesn't he? The executive treadmill, you know.

Fancy, fancy.

And to think I knew him when he was an ordinary human being! He has done very well.

Amazing.

And he used to come in here for anti--perspirant like anybody else! We're expecting an invitation to the chairman's dinner this year.

It's not official, you understand, but one hears on the grapevine.

Oh, d--does one? W--We still use the old--fashioned telephone round here! Oh, Granville, I was just saying.

I remember when Mr Jardine would come in here.

You know, if you asked him the reason for his success, he'd purse his lips in the thoughtful manner of a m--modern executive and he would say, in that modest way they have, in case they might be wrong, "l--I owe it all to apples!" -- Apples? -- Yes, he used to s--swear by them! Didn't he, Granville? "The nourishment in that humble fruit," he'd say.

Mind you, I don't suppose he'd remember that.

Not with having so much on his grapevine! But I remember it as if it were yesterday.

"Arkwright," he'd say, "the day I stop eating apples "will be the day I f--finish f--functioning "as a f--fully--fledged f--first--class executive brain!" But he wears dentures now.

"And that will apply," he said, "even when I wear dentures!" So, h--how many would you like? Several? H--Hello, Gladys Emmanuel.

N--Nice to see you looking so cheerful.

Oh, it's you.

Have you got one of them nice big round cottage loaves? No, but you have! That'll do.

-- All I've got is a small Wonder roll.

-- Save it for me.

It's yours any time you want it.

Well, you know that.

I've told you before.

Speaking of that, when are you and me going to hold the final of the North Eastern M--Mouse Festival in your bedroom? Tonight, if you like.

Me mother's going out.

The welfare people are taking her to see "Oklahoma".

Tonight? Yes, but you needn't get into serious training.

It'll be in the front room and, if you're lucky, a bite of supper.

A b--bite?! Food, I'm talking about, not your sort! And smarten yourself up a bit.

Don't just drift over in your overall.

I feel like being pampered.

By 'eck, Gladys, I'll pamper you, all right! I'll pamper till there isn't a pamp left in me! It'll seem like Christmas all over again! Hang on! There's at least one more shopping day left, Arkwright! -- I should get back over there! -- Right.

I like the Christmas theme.

-- Stick to that.

-- How do you mean? If you're a wise man, you'll come bearing gifts! If I wasn't here, cleaning down this bacon slicer, I'd like to be flying a jumbo jet into Kennedy Airport.

Taxi up to the terminal .

.

and some fabulously wealthy American bird is waiting for me in a chauffeur--driven Lincoln Continental.

I'd give her, you know, a quick wave from the cockpit.

(IMITATES ENGINE ROAR) 'Cause I can see her there, you know, looking allwealthy, with her motor running.

She'll be waiting for me to change out of me uniform.

We couldn't hit the night spots with me in my pinny and bicycle clips! You know, what this shop needs is customers of at least th--three minutes full duration.

I like rich birds.

Not because of their money, but because they're like new cars, always in showroom condition! See, a shop shouldn't just be a place to buy things.

It should be somewhere where you can wander round, relax and s--spend money stupidly! Rich birds always come with all the optional extras! You know what we need here, don't you, eh? A touch of self--service.

Nothing too elaborate.

We must maintain the standards of courtesy and service which have made the g--grocery business a by--word for greed! No, what we need is one central island, here, just here.

Where they can wander around and indulge in a bit of impulse buying.

But it will have to be an Aladdin's cave! An Aladdin's cave choc--a--bloc with the irresistible treasures of an advanced c--consumer society! Among all these irresistible treasures of an advanced consumer society, aren't these sticks of celery a bit limp? We c--can't just cater for the luxury trade, you know.

We must provide s--something for everybody.

You ought to appreciate that.

It was always your mother's motto! You know what you've built here, don't you? A little grotto for shoplifters.

I mean, look, if we're up here behind the counter, and they're in there, they'll be nicking stuff retail! -- You reckon? -- Aye.

Still, if you're going self--service, it's worth having a few things pinched.

-- What are you talking about?! -- No, no! What I mean is, you've got to keep out of the way.

Keep out of the way so your customers can relax.

I don't know whether to prosecute and risk the bad publicity, or just sh--sh**t them in the leg a bit! Before you get your g*n, we haven't had any customers yet! You see, it d--d--doesn't work! Let's get it down, come on.

Come on, wait a minute, give it a chance! They're supposed to be seized by this wild ungovernable lust for things on the shelves.

They walk in and suddenly ba--baboom! Bare b--bum? Yes, they're seized by this ungovernable lust.

It's supposed to be like a c--c--c--customer trap, in't it? They come in one minute, next they're squirming securely on the end of your till! They might if you didn't frighten them off! They can't if you're breathing down their necks! You've got to let them get on with it.

-- Turn your back on them? -- That's right.

Not keep your eye on them all the time? Exactly.

Oh I can't do that! You're gonna have to try.

-- There you are, he looks all right.

-- He looks like Himmler! -- Guten Abend.

-- Sh! (CRUNCH !) Ah, got yer! Come on! Where are you going with that?! G--Granville, ring the British Embassy! Serves you right for being so suspicious.

How should I know he was a v--vicar? He shouldn't go c--creeping around without his collar on! He wasn't a vicar.

He was a lay preacher.

Sort of religious special constable.

Well, he should have worn a helmet, then.

That was some sermon he gave me, you know.

Serves you right.

You asked for it.

I don't need to be told to love thy neighbour when I've been unofficially engaged to Nurse Gladys Emmanuel so long! He were only looking at the goods.

That's as far as you'll get with Nurse Gladys Emmanuel.

Oh, well, h--here's a bit of news for you, Reginald Bosanquet.

She has just invited me over! -- Oh, yeah? What for? -- For the evening! That's what for.

And by the look on her tone of voice, she's goingshe's going to remove all obstacles.

Her entire gas fire will be open to me! But she'll need coaxing with little trifles.

Take some blackcurrant and walnut.

They aren't selling well.

I want something to put her on the right lines, not freeze her points! I know what I'll take her.

Remember them earmuffs we had once as a special line that never went? I'll take her three pairs of them.

Three pairs? Don't go mad.

One pair's enough! One pair's enough for her ears, but what about her theres and her everywheres? With any luck, I might get to put them on her! Where the hangment are them muffs? I think you'll find them in the Aladdin's cave around a tin of cream undercoat! Oh, th--thank you, Widow Twanky! I d--don't think I can put up with this self--service much longer.

It's a strain on your nerves.

I know.

It's a strain on your customers' nerves an' all, especially when you leap out, "Where are you g--going with that?!" -- That's only my bit of fun.

-- Rubbish! Listen, I'm not going to leave the customers alone with the stock.

It's like hiring your wife out.

-- Do people do that? -- No, course th It's not a bad idea, is it, though? Must be a bigger profit margin in it than groceries.

P--pound for pound, I mean.

'Ey, don't you hate the days when you tread on a Swiss roll? Oh, dear.

What about these? What do you think? No? Hello, Nurse Gladys.

Have you come for your Wonder roll? Perhaps you'd prefer a Swiss roll? Look.

Special new design to enable you to send it through the post.

Or perhaps you'd prefer a nice--ice a nice--ice--ice iced bun, would you? -- I want a stepladder.

-- My G--God, you must be hungry! Granville, go and pick out a nice tender stepladder, would you? I'm not buying it, you fool.

I want to borrow it.

I've locked meself out! Oh, dear, how f--fortunate! I might have known I'd get a lot of sympathy from you, Arkwright! -- What's all this? -- The new self--service department.

Mmm, I thought you'd been taken over by w*r on Want! Granville, can you come over and give me a hand to get in the window? Oh, we'll both come.

He can hold the ladder and I'll give you a bunk up! This is all we've got.

Will these do? Yes, anything'll do! Let's get started.

Time's money.

Let's go! I think I'd feel safer if you stayed on your own side of the street whilst I'm climbing in the window, thank you! I don't want to feel your hot breath steaming up me double glazing! I hope and trust that won't apply to our rendezvous tonight? -- That's still on? -- If I ever get back in! 'Ey, why bother? Why bother?! Why don't you m--move into my spare room upstairs? The rent would be nominal.

Don't you mean phenomenal?! He's doing that all the time now, leaving bits off words.

Should have heard what he called PC Bottomley! 'Ey, 'ey, go wash your mouth out with quick--drying cement at once! Seriously, Gladys, why don't you become my f--fully furnished tenant? I promise you every comfort.

The price might be a bit high.

No, £2 a week, and I wouldn't want much down.

At £2 a week, you wouldn't be getting anything down! Come on, Granville.

-- Listen, you could p--pay in kind.

-- Oh, yes? What kind of kind? Oh, any kind of kind you're kind enough to offer! Listen, I don't want that stepladder shop--soiled! Will you try and just step on every other rung? Good job Romeo didn't have you for an uncle.

He'd never have reached that balcony! Listen, they cost money, these things! Tell you what, I shall go up these steps backwards on my hands and open the window with me feet! If anyone asks, I'd say I'm a passing Australian looking up a relative! D--D--Down a bit.

I'll tell you when to stop.

St--st--s--s--st.

s--s--st--STOP! Why don't you s--s--s--stop when I tell you to s--s--s--stop? Now, just take it up a bit again, will you? Come on, up.

N--Not too far.

Just No, you missed it.

Take it Up a bit.

Down.

Tie it off about there.

I like a man who knows his own mind.

-- That's good.

That's very good.

-- Glad you're happy about it (!) It means I can stand here smiling, and still keep an eye on the thieving articles.

It means that I'm without a wardrobe door! That's a small sacrifice, isn't it, for the security? Small for you, you've still got your wardrobe door! Oh, I can't give up my door.

Oh, no, it must be available at all times for the g--garments of Gladys Emmanuel sh--should she move in! What, into your wardrobe? Into my w--wedlock.

Meanwhile, I'm on for moths in my mohairs! That conjures up a nasty picture! Come over here.

-- Come on.

-- Oh, no, not again! You haven't even started! Come on, I want to hear how you bite that.

Let's have some expression, some zip! I've a zip in my mohairs, but it won't stop the moths having a ball! Would you just take a bite out of that before your mouth gets you into trouble? Have you started yet? -- Yes! -- Well, louder, louder! -- Any particular key (? ) -- No, any old key, just a loud key.

(CRUNCH ) That's a bit better.

Now, try and look as if you're enjoying it.

-- It's sour! -- No, they're not.

No, in the trade, they're known as mouth--watering.

Well, in the mouth, they're known as eye--watering! Fruity and mouth--watering, got it? And try and look a bit more pleasant, please! Pleasant! It's me that's got to eat these sour little apples! -- Simmer down.

-- It's me consuming earwig manure! Don't lose your cool, Granville.

It doesn't look as if Shirley Bassey will ever answer my letter! What we need is a slogan for the window, nothing too elaborate.

Just a few golden phrases or two.

Now, come on, think.

-- I want a rise.

-- Don't be dirty! That's a d--disgusting thing to say! Your language is getting atrocious these days! Why are you writing to Shirley Bassey? 'Cause I've finished with Julie Andrews! Hey, sh! A big bite! Ah, yes.

Ah, are you looking for some medication? Oh, good afternoon.

I'm looking for some medication.

I'm--I'm afraid that's our full selection.

Is this your full selection? W--We don't carry a lot these days.

I suppose you don't carry a lot these days.

I'm wasting me time.

He's clairvoyant! I'm looking for something for wax in the ears.

Don't think you need anything.

You're deaf as it is! I'm afraid it makes me a little deaf.

Yes, it's the wax in your ears doing that! You've nothing for it.

Apples.

Pardon? Ap--ples.

I'm sorry, but I could have sworn you said apples.

No, louder, louder! Louder! It's not usually a powder.

It's usually in a bottle with a dropper.

Ooh, dear, poor lad! Serve this young man first.

He needs something more than I do! Aye.

He'll get something the minute you turn your back an' all! You deaf old twit! These instant chips take longer than ordinary ones! You won't be wanting anything when you come in tonight? Oh, no, I shall be having everything I want over there, with any luck! Touch wood and whistle.

(WHISTLES) No, I shall come back thoroughly replete.

Replete -- sounds like you've been eating Chinese radishes.

Repletesatisfied! Don't you know any big words? Have you gleaned nothing from the rich harvest of knowledge available on the back of the cornflake packets? Now, where's my little present? What are you taking her? Chocolates? No, I've got something special, Granville.

Something primeval.

The first gift ever exchanged in love between a man and a woman, stretching across the centuries to the dawn of time! -- What do you mean? -- Get out! Clear off, you stingy devil! It's what Eve gave Adam! I'll tell you what this Eve is going to do -- 'eave them back at you! Oh, get off! Get off it! Granville! Fetch a box! Th--That central display is coming down tomorrow, enough's enough.

The run--free tights with the special offer will be tucked away where they belong .

.

next to the meat paste.

Them apples will get sold eventually, I s'pose.

They'll just go soft, that's all.

Well, after all, that's life, isn't it? To hell with self--service, I say.

Tomorrow we start with a new motto.

: "God Help Those Who Help Themselvesl"