04x04 - The Errand Boy Executive

[bunniefuu]

(BELL TINKLING) That reminds me, G-Granville, I must reorder them b-bottled plums.

They're going very well at the moment.

V-Victoria's, aren't they?

No, they're Stephanie's.

Blow main ballasts.

(WHOOSHING) Up periscope.

''Steer 094.

'' ''094, sir!'' Okay, make a signal to the fleet.

Am progressing against impossible odds.

Stop.

Wounds terrible, but still photogenic.

Stop.

I'm engaging the enemy.

Stop.

Love to Lady Amanda.

Stop.

All right.

Dive! Dive! Dive! (MIMICKING ALARM BLARING) I think they're f*ring depth charges at us, sir.

Excuse me, Commander.

Have you finished stacking them tomatoes?

Stop.

It's not quite what I had in mind, you know, for the first volume of me life story.

''Tomato Stacker.

'' No.

It's gonna be really nice that is, isn't it?

There'll be me standing there, in me white tuxedo with a red rose in my lapel, I'll be swanning into the casino at Monte and there'll be this hush, and a whisper will be running around the great salon.

''Mon Dieu!That is him.

That is Granville.

He's a tomato stacker!'' Would you rather it was cheese biscuits?

Would you rather be a c-creamcracker stacker?

Youth is passing me by.

Life keeps poking me with its finger.

Yes, your mother had the same problem.

Reminding me, ''Granville, that is not the pullover of a hunter-k*ller.

'' That hunter-k*ller pullover was knitted for you, v-very reasonable, by Mrs Tattersall.

She was a compulsive knitter, w-was Mrs Tattersall.

Her fingers used to move like a f-flock of sparrows.

Must have bestowed untold b-benefits on Mr Tattersall.

He was never without a smug air of satisfaction in his warm woolly jumpers.

Admit it.

These are not the trousers of an ace of the space race.

No, and you keep them that way.

I don't want anyone racing for the space in your trousers.

I just look uncombed.

Not my hair, it's the rest of me that looks like it's just rolled out of bed.

-I'm just not streamlined.

-Well, you're not wearing your cycle clips.

I've got the drag factor of a bingo hall.

Yes, there's a lot being dragged round the back of that bingo hall.

I'm supposed to be an executive.

I've told a certain young lady that I am an executive.

If she's so certain, why are you giving her a pack of lies?

It's not a pack of lies.

You said I was Under Manager.

You know when I asked for that raise, you said instead I could be Under Manager.

Well, you are.

Well under.

If I'm supposed to be an executive, I should dress like an executive.

(BELL TINKLING) Never mind being so Hungarian and bolshie.

Go and answer that bell.

-What's bolshie?

-Bolshie is short for Bolshevik.

-What's Bolshevik?

-Bolshevik is Russian for Hungarian.

Now g-get on with it.

G-Good morning.

Oh, it's Dusty Bin.

Good day to you, sir, and a very good day it is.

How can you s-sell them things if they w-won't stand still?

You are, I take it, the proprietor of this thriving establishment?

Well, I.

He's g-gone again.

I hope he's n-not selling yo-yos.

Got him.

-My card, sir.

-Oh, yes.

Well, it's obvious that this is a very thriving establishment.

But are you sure there isn't something you've not yet caught up with?

Something.

Something which, with constant use, could transform your shopkeeper's life and give you that confidence that comes from always being on top of things.

Oh, y-yes.

There is.

Yes! Lives across the road.

It's called Gladys Emmanuel.

Have you tried what's available these days in the latest technology?

I don't think that's a question one gentleman ought to ask another, really.

Have you tried this superb, super little cleaner?

Little?

That?

In any c-communist country, three families would be living in that.

Oh, come, sir.

When you consider the power that that produces, that is a marvel of miniaturisation.

Yes, that's what they said about my little Uncle Dudley, you know.

Didn't stop him s-slipping down a drain, did it?

That is a by-product of the American moon project.

Now j-just a minute, sir.

Since when has it been an American moon?

What part of the w-world are you f-from?

-Attercliffe.

-Attercliffe?

That explains it, doesn't it?

In this particular little backwater, sir, it happens to still be known as a Yorkshire moon.

People set their b-black puddings by it.

Unmarried maidens dance by the light of it in c-clogs and shawls.

Whippets turn unaccountably restless.

What?

Maidens still wearing clogs and shawls?

Come off it.

Oh, yes, c-clogs and shawls can still be found.

It's the maidens that are getting a bit thin on the ground.

Or rather, plump on the ground.

We are an area heavy in c-calories, you see.

Mainly on account of our d-delicious l-local products.

Now, for instance, have you ever tried one of these wonderful pur-pork p-pies?

All that is not p-pie is p-p-p-pork.

And all that is not p-p-p-pork is p-p-pie.

So that's fer-fer-fifty percent p-p-p-pork and fer-fer-fer.

And fer-fer-fer.

Well, you can work it out for yourself.

-Delicious, I'm sure.

-Yes.

But have you ever considered the Victor Vac?

The super all-purpose commercial cleaner.

He comes in here and tries to sell to me! Yes, I do, sir! I intend to sell you one of these truly remarkable machines.

All right, then.

Go on, then.

Have a go.

I l-like a challenge.

But before we start, 73p for the pie.

Thank you.

I'll just wrap it for you.

How do, Granville.

I thought you were an executive.

Well, you told me you were an executive.

I am! I am an executive! Honestly, Stephanie, I am an executive! I'm just road-testing the shop bike for my assistant.

Who was that wiggle that just went past?

Stephanie with a ''ph''.

With a ''ph'', eh?

Yes, I can see it from here.

She just moved here.

She works in the boutique.

Music all day and miniskirts as far as the eye can reach.

It's all I've ever wanted, you know, for Christmas was a Stephanie with a ''ph''.

-You'll get one one of these days.

-What, dressed like this?

-You'll get a nice girl.

-That's what I'm afraid of.

That's all I'm fit for, dressed like this.

W-What's that errand boy d-doing down your blouse?

Come on, Granville, out of the undergrowth! Go on! It's time you bought that lad some decent clothes.

-He looked p-pretty well wrapped up to me.

-There's a girl he wants to impress.

It's what he was impressing j-just now I'm w-worried about.

Hey! I-If you want to keep your ears warm, get a muffler! Stop shouting in the street.

You're like a big girl.

You can talk.

This is a t-time of high t-t-tension for me.

I'm in there locked in mortal combat with the ace salesman of the V-Victor Vac super all-purpose c-commercial cleaner.

Well, I wish him luck.

If he's trying to sell you something, you've got to admire his recklessness.

He's hot stuff, is him.

It's no time for me to be l-looking out the window and seeing my fiancée covered in s-sticky errand boy.

I'm going to work.

I haven't time to be standing here with middle-aged gropers.

Grocers.

How's that for a Freudian slip?

-I'll be over later f-for a bit of supper.

-You might be lucky.

Oh, good! Then afterwards we can have a bit of supper.

(CAR HORN BLARING) -Will there be anything more, Mrs B-Bickerdyke?

-No, that's all, thank you.

That'll be £3.

78, please.

-How's M-Mr Bickerdyke?

-Oh, about the same.

Stupid.

Yes, well it's nice to know some things d-don't change, isn't it?

Ta.

And how's your Granville?

Oh, we all have our problems.

Sometimes there's a wild look in his eyes.

I told him, I b-blame them jockey shorts, you know.

I've said to him they're all right f-for jockeys.

He's at a funny age.

I had nothing but trouble with mine at that age.

I had nothing but trouble with yours at that age.

They used to do it in my d-doorway.

-Do what?

-Whatever it is they were d-d-doing.

I used to find f-f*g ends and toffee pur-papers and discarded bits of underclothing, canary seed.

Makes you think, does c-canary seed.

I used to say to him, ''Hit them! You're their father, hit them!'' He were too damned idle.

If we'd had only three or four, it might have been different.

But seven?

He used to say, ''Who the hell's got time to go round hitting seven?

'' -He never really put his back into anything.

-Oh, I wouldn't s-say that.

With s-seven children.

All right.

You don't want the Victor Vac.

But you are going to fall for this little beauty.

-Is that him?

-Yes, he's in and out of here a lot of times.

He buys a lot of groceries, actually.

An air humidifier! Every shopkeeper's premises needs the benefits of an efficient air humidifier.

And this is a little cr*cker.

And I'm the ace salesman of the Victor Vac company who's going to convince you.

Well, don't stand there with the door open.

Bring in your air humidifier.

You're c-causing a draught.

Oh! Hello, old thing.

Must dash.

Granville?

-I shouldn't have believed it were you.

-Oh, aye.

It is me all right.

Just trotting back from an executive meeting.

-God, these interminable meetings.

-Is that your old bike?

My old bike?

What would I be doing with an old thing like that, eh?

Well, er what are you doing around here, then?

I'm waiting for a taxi.

Yes, it's unbelievable, the trouble one has to go to Taxi! find a cab.

I suppose you must find the same.

Yes, in my experience, you can never find a cab in this town.

(CAR HORN HONKING) Oh, look.

There's one.

Good heavens.

-Don't look very safe to me.

-Looks all right to me.

Oh, well.

Must push.

Arkwright's Executive Stores.

I'll show you the way.

You work your tongue to the bone.

I should have stayed in bed.

I'm up at 7:00, shaving.

Clean shirt every morning.

Shoes polished.

Clean hanky in me top pocket.

Diploma from the College of Salesmanship.

And then you meet some rock-hard pillock like that! (ARKWRIGHT AND GLADYS EXCLAIMING) -You get worse! -I don't get anything.

I v-very rarely get past evil intentions, do I?

Supposing someone were to come in and find you rolling me about behind the counter.

Well, why not?

I should think things have come to a p-pretty pass if a tobacconist c-can't roll his own.

Anyway, you're a m-medical person.

We can say it was an emergency.

It damn near was an emergency.

Well, well.

Casanova, you're just about to get your comeuppance.

-What?

-Here comes your other woman.

What, t-t-the Black Widow?

She's not c-coming her uppance in here! Hide me.

Oh.

Not alone, Arkwright?

-You're a hard man to catch alone.

-I'm just going.

Yes.

She's just going after she's had a look at m-my leg.

-What's wrong with your leg?

-I've got this horrible leg.

And numerous matching accessories.

I always thought you seemed very fit for your age.

No, it's j-just a bluff that.

I t-try to put a good face on things.

I can't believe you're unsound fundamentally.

Well, no, maybe not f-fundamentally, no.

Me fundament's fine.

Always struck me as a tower of economy.

Such a powerful grip on life and money.

I've always held you up as an example to the entire area.

Say whatever you like about Arkwright, but there's nobody to hold a candle to him when it comes to being mean.

-You've noticed.

-Me-me-mean?

Why don't you look for someone of similar tastes who could devote her entire life to the welfare of your bad leg?

-I'm off.

Watch your blood pressure.

-D-Don't off! Don't! And mind your bad leg.

No, I-I'm a spendthrift.

I'm r-reckless with money! I'm known as the p-playboy of the grocers' federation! -Not you, never you.

-I-I've been a centrefold twice.

Yes, P-Playgrocer of the Month I was.

On a bed of lettuce, like that.

-Could I have £2 for a taxi?

-£2?

£2 for a taxi?

Yes, why not?

Help yourself.

Help yourself from the till, lad, go on.

Good day to you, Mrs Featherstone.

You're not sending your errand boys by taxi now, are you?

Yes, why not?

It's only money! -I never thought I'd live to see the day.

-There you are, then, you see.

Easy come, easy go.

I'm wasting my time in here, you're obviously not yourself.

You're obviously going through some male middle-aged cash flow crisis which has temporarily turned your head.

I'll come back when your sanity's returned.

Why are you dressing him like an executive?

I'm going to execute him in the morning.

A t-taxi?

He's wearing a-a bowler hat! I'll k*ll him! If that doesn't k*ll me first.

He said, ''What about the tip?

'' Tip?

If he wants a tip, send him i-in here.

We'll give him t-the tip of your umbrella! -Good evening.

-Good evening, y-young missy.

You didn't see a lad w-wearing a funny hat and riding a bike, did you?

-No, I don't think so.

-No, never mind.

What can I help you to spend?

Well, actually, I'd like to see your superior.

M-My superior?

M-My superior what?

I'm spoilt for choice.

-Your employer.

-My w-whom?

Granville, the young executive in charge?

The chief person here.

Oh, t-that employer! Oh, yes.

Yes, I-I'm afraid he.

I'm afraid he's out at the moment.

Just repossessing a little bit of t-transport, as a matter of fact.

But I'm expecting him b-back any moment.

In fact, I can hardly wait.

He said I'd probably find his faithful old assistant behind the counter, but to ask for the executive in-charge personally.

Really?

I see.

What else did he say, this little executive supremo?

Well, he says he gets on tremendously well with his staff.

-Oh, yes?

-Had some of you for years.

-He says you all love him.

-Oh, we do.

We c-call him little father, you know.

Oh, that's lovely.

Little father?

Yes, on account of his hobby.

-Hobby?

-Well, he's Hungarian.

Didn't he tell you that?

That might give you s-some idea what it'll be.

Oh, here he comes now look.

Back from his little fathering.

There he is.

-Hello, Stephanie.

-Hello.

Did you manage to get it back all right, sir, the transport?

-Yes, it's round the back.

-Oh, very good, sir.

It's all present and correct, is it?

No damage is there, sir?

Upholstery, wing mirror, pump, bell?

-It's all right.

-Very good, sir.

I never knew you were Hungarian.

-Who let that little secret out, eh?

-Your assistant here has just been telling me.

Yes, I hope I didn't speak out of turn, Excellency.

No, that's all right, old chap.

Actually, Granville, I was wondering if you'd care to walk me home.

I come across some very funny people on my way home sometimes.

Y-You will tonight, certainly.

Certainly, Stephanie.

I'll just slip out of this executive finery and put on something racy but cool.

We might want to drop into a bar somewhere for cocktails, mightn't we.

-And the night is young, isn't it?

-I've got to be up quite early.

Yes, and not as early as young Mr Granville.

No.

It's all right, I only need a couple of hours' sleep.

Yes, you can get them during the day as usual, can't you?

Thank you, I shan't be long.

Will you be all right here with this old reprobate?

Yes, take your time.

While you're gone, your assistant here can tell me all about you.

No, don't you take any notice of him.

No.

Yes.

You just behave yourself.

Albert.

That's right, little father, t-take your time.

You can't b*at H-Hungarian feet for speed, you know.

You should have seen his father leaving his mother.

I'm terribly sorry, I was leaning on the counter there for a moment.

It's all go being a f-faithful old assistant, you know.

How does he come to be half-Hungarian?

His mother was learning the language and she forgot the word for no.

Well, I don't suppose it need make any difference, him being half-Hungarian.

-To us, I mean.

-Us?

Oh, you mean ''us''?

Oh.

It does?

It makes a difference?

What kind of difference?

I don't think I ought to tell you, really.

I think you should warn me if there is something I ought to know.

But is it proper, me being a faithful old assistant?

It's proper! On the other hand, why should I keep quiet when his wife and kids never stop rabbiting about him?

-Wife?

How many kids?

-Yes.

Kids?

-Seven.

-Seven?

Yes.

And three sixteenths it says here.

I must get that fixed.

I don't know what's the matter with it.

I don't want you t-to treat him or judge him t-too harshly.

-I'll k*ll him if he comes near me again.

-Yes, well, that doesn't sound too harsh.

I-I blame the goulash, you know.

I think if I'd been brought up knee-deep in goulash, I might have had seven kids myself.

Deceitful monkey! Of course, fortunately, being a true Northerner, I was b-brought up on bread and dripping, which, as we all know, is a fine antidote against any w-wildness of the senses.

Here.

When he comes down, give him that.

Okay, let's hear it for Granville.

Let's hear it for these snappy threads.

Tonight it's go, man, go.

I think I'll let the old boy close early and go home to his lonely bed.

Where is she?

Where is Steph?

You've done it again, haven't you?

You've really screwed it up for me.

What did you do to her?

Just a bit of faithful old as-assistanting.

God.

Dear.

I never get anything right, do I?

I thought she was the one, I thought she had everything.

The moment I saw her, I k-knew she wasn't right for you.

She's no education.

She's spelt ''two-timing little creep'' with a ''K''! It's been a funny day working for Granville.

I'll say this, for a young executive, he's very easily led.

You just grab the chain round his neck and pull him along by his dangler.

Still, if you can't dangle when you're young, when can you dangle?

And the first correct answer to that wins a holiday for two in Nurse Gladys' bedroom.

Oh, she's like a drug that woman.

Not freely available except for medicinal purposes.

Still, who knows?

One day I may be able to get her over the counter.