(MOANING)
(RHYTHMIC CREAKING)
(MAN SCREAMING)
Editor's office, please
Well, tell him it's Martin Trout
Then he may not be quite so busy
Hello? Yeah, I've got it Yeah The lot, the works
Him and her together Yeah
No, no By the pool at her place in the country
Yeah Tongues in a reef knot
Yeah At one point he had his tongue in her nose
Yes Look, this is thermonuclear
Profumo doesn't come into it
My battery is getting a bit low
so I'll give you a buzz back when I get to Victoria
Okay Bye
Sorry about this
I know it must be in here somewhere
Anyway, are you well?
Here you are
It must have slipped through a hole in the lining
Here, cheer up
I just earned myself 1 00,000 quid
MAN: About time and all, eh?
MARTIN: What do you mean, 80?
80 nothing You agreed 1 00, sight unseen
1 00 if the story checked out
Don't mess me around, John
Look, I am holding in my hand
a little stick of dynamite
that will blow this country apart
Look, if you're not interested,
I have a little phone number in Wapping
I'm sure they
Yes That's more like it
VICTOR: Hello, can you put me through
to your customer complaints department please?
MARTIN: right away and be over to you
Yeah On your desk
VICTOR: Your public-relations department, then
MARTIN: Sorry, I
No, I don't want Personnel!
I want to talk to someone
I want to complain about one of your products!
Well, I can come to you directly or
VICTOR: If he's there, I would Hello!
MARTIN: Hang on a second
VICTOR: Hello? Yes, they were
Fifty-five bloody pounds they cost me Ł55!
Put them on brand-new this morning
to go on holiday and what happens?
I'll show you what bloody well happens
Do you hear that?
Can you hear that?
It's like walking around
with a dead halibut stuck to your foot
I've never in all my life
known such shoddy bloody work
Oi, you, Superman's grandad
Shut your bloody yap I can't hear myself think
with you shrieking about like a rutting gibbon
Shrieking like a Who the hell is shrieking?
Who's shrieking? A hand grenade could go off
in your mouth and no one would hear it!
Show some consideration for the rest
of the human race and shut your bleeding trap!
-Have you quite finished?
-No Your socks are too loud as well
Here I am, trying to make
an important phone call
Oi! Can't you see this booth is occupied?
You trying to access my Mercury facility
and use my
There was no one here
What was I supposed to Oh!
Hello
Hello? Are you still there?
Yes Well, I can tell you now,
you haven't heard the end of this
Who were you phoning anyway?
Oh, it doesn't matter
I forgot to cancel the Sunday papers, that's all
Margaret! Mr Meldrew!
We're going to miss it!
Yes, coming!
At least some of us can cancel the Sunday papers
The sordid crap they keep filling them with,
be a relief to get away from them
for a couple of weeks
Yeah, sorry about that Some goon
sh**ting his mouth off 90 to the dozen
Now, what was I saying?
Oh, yeah If I bring the roll of film round to you
Roll of
-A Portuguese pen friend? Bet that's fun
-Yes
Of course, his English is a bit better
than my Portuguese
We've been writing to each other for 1 3 years
it must be now, but never got round to meeting
The engines have stopped
Why have they done that?
Just completely cut out all together
And then a couple of years ago he lost his wife,
and I recently got divorced,
and we both thought it was a good chance
to take the plunge
Quite an adventure for you
My godfathers, did you hear that?
What is it now?
I just overheard one of those stewardesses
whispering to her colleague, ''We are all doomed''
I swear I did As they went by just then
Why is no one else panicking?
Of course, I'd be a bit nervous
about going over there on my own
So the three of us decided to rent a little villa
and have a bit of a holiday for a couple of weeks
What was that? Who heard that just then?
God spare us
That noise, like the sound of a wing coming loose
There'll be the sound of someone
being hit over the head
with a bottle of duty free scotch in a minute
For God's sake,
give over and try going to sleep or something
How can I go to sleep with all this turbulence?
How could we have turbulence?
We haven't left the bloody runway yet!
Yes, that's another thing It'll be
a hundred times worse once we're in the air
Well, I'll be jiggered Look at that, a gear lever
It's been here all the time
just staring us in the face
I wonder if we could use it at all to get to our villa
before the dawn of the next ice age
II can't drive fast, Mr Meldrew,
not on these narrow mountain roads
Fast?
We didn't exactly crash through the sound barrier
in that dual carriageway in Lisbon, did we?
I mean, that was the ultimate insult
Being overtaken
by two blokes pushing a Transit van
Still, it's nice to know
that in temperatures of 1 00 degrees
the car rental firm has thoughtfully
provided us with this, isn't it?
I mean, don't they speak English
at that place, for goodness sake?
Presumably not as they're all Portuguese
Yes, everyone else may be melting to death
on the roads, but not us,
because we have a car with hair conditioner
I mean, what in the name of sanity
did they think we wanted it for?
To make sure that the roof rack
was more shiny and manageable?
Will you put a lid on it?
We're supposed to be on holiday
Just stop moaning and enjoy the scenery
VICTOR: We're never going to get to that villa
today with Nigel Mansell here at the wheel
At this rate, I shudder to think where we'll end up
We're just saying whether it's wise
to go any further before morning
Jean's dog-tired I could do with some shut-eye
I wonder if they do rooms here for the night?
Well, I suppose they must do
Why don't I go and ask?
Give me a chance to use my Portuguese
Well, a fine start this has been to the proceedings
Why is it whenever we go anywhere
it's just one hideous catastrophe after another?
(SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE)
There we are All sorted apparently
I said would 5,000 escudos be a fair price,
he seemed very happy
So I gather he's got a room to show you first,
Mrs Warboys, see if it's to your liking
Oh, I get first pick, do I?
-Oh!
-Hello
-I go with you?
-Oh, yes
MAN: You look like very hot lady
MRS WARBOYS: Oh, yes
I'm not used to your climate, I'm afraid
I just hope for your sake this villa is up to scratch
when we finally get there
I said all along we should get a place
from a proper holiday firm
Not a classified ad in Zit magazine
Jesus Christ Just have a bit of faith
It said it was a charming little villa
that would suit any couple down to the ground
I'd have a bit of faith if the photograph
they sent hadn't been touched up with Tipp-Ex
I held it up to the light, I swear I could see
a ''condemned'' sign underneath
Well, I'm telling you now,
if we get to this place and it's a
(MRS WARBOYS SCREAMING)
(CRASHING)
MARGARET: Jean?
What's happened? What's the matter?
(SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE)
That man thought I was a
Vocé acha que pode vir assim
para o nosso paiís, com essas velhas putas?
Whatever did you say to him, Mr Meldrew?
I'm sorry, Mrs Warboys
He wanted me to
He wanted you to what? Jean?
Something beginning with ''H''
Pensas que podes vir assim...
Cinco mil escudos.
-Something beginning with ''H''
-Victor
(YELLING IN PORTUGUESE)
(TYRES SCREECHING)
MARGARET: Congratulations!
I just don't be
''Give me a chance to try out my Portuguese''
You never ever learn, do you?
It wasn't my fault
He just got the wrong end of the stick
Oh, that's nothing
to what Jean nearly got the wrong end of
Poor woman will be having nightmares now
every time she sees a zip
-Sees what?
-Look where you're going!
-Watch your speed
-Yes, well
Oh, I don't believe it That's all we need
MARGARET: What is?
Que é que o senhor está a pensar a fazer?
Não viu eu fazer-lhe sinal ali atrás para parar-se?
Sabe qual é o limite de velocidade nesta estrada?
(STAMMERING)
O automóvel quase que iía parar ali na valeta.
Esteve a beber hoje â noite?
I'm very sorry I didn't realise
Ah! São ingleses, devia ter adivinhado.
Someone very nearly assaulted our friend
Yes He wanted her to do something
beginning with ''H'' apparently
-What was that?
-You work it out
Tem sorte eu não o multar desta vez.
No futuro, veja se tem mais cuidado.
I'm sorry?
English nau compriendo.
We were on our way to a holiday villa
Este é um siítio difiícil de encontrar a esta hora.
E as estradas estão perigosas.
-É melhor sair.
-Bom, saiam por favor.
Vamos. E o meu colega seguirá depois
no vosso automóvel.
Vocés venham comigo.
Bom, minhas senhoras e meu senhor,
saiam por favor.
-Saiam!
-Bom. É aqui que vão ficar.
Bem, isto parece estar vazio.
Bom. Experimentem as vossas camas.
If it's about what happened at that pub,
we didn't mean to cause any trouble
If you could just call the British Council
or anybody who speaks English?
Tenho a certeza que são muito confortáveis.
Experimentem-nas!
E no futuro,
vejam se tenham mais cuidado a conduzir.
E se vão dormir aqui,
mantenham a porta bem fechada.
Os ratos podem tornar-se muito esfomiados
durante a noite.
(CLANKING)
(BUBBLING)
(CLANKING)
(BANGING)
(FLUSHING)
My watch has stopped
5:30 in the afternoon
Eighteen hours, not a thing to eat
Can't even have a bath
Sixty years old I'll be next month
Sixty years
of waiting for something nice to happen
Will you let us out of here?
We haven't done anything wrong!
Hello? Hello? Can you hear me out there or what?
Hello?
I realise now
that the only thing that's kept me going
is the hope that one day
things might be different
That one day
well, I suppose it was being over romantic,
I could go on a nice holiday to Portugal
and come home again afterwards
instead of being left to rot to death
in the set of Midnight Express,
charged with geriatric pimping
Twitchy leg muscle is starting up
Need to stretch my legs, I think
MARGARET: Yes
Well, I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for that
when they put us on the rack
My God! You're not serious?
Is it still legal to garrotte people over here?
Well, let's hope so
I can't believe I let you take us to that thing
It was so cruel
It was like something out of Roman times
How can you say it was cruel?
The matador is in no real danger If the bull
gets too close, they s*ab it to death with swords
-How can it be cruel?
-It's cruel to the bull
Cruel to the bull? Man, whose side are you on?
We're on the side of decency
and human compassion, Dad, as it happens
Oh, right Of course, I forgot
My son, the compassionate welterweight
with no taste for blood
Can you wonder
that he lost 1 1 of his last 1 2 fights?
Does that surprise anyone in this car?
I had a run of bad luck That's all it was
No The reason is
Do you want to know the reason?
It's because you haven't got the k*ller instinct
Thirty-five years in this business,
I think I know what the game's about
It's about hate
You have to hate the person
You have to physically want to
b*at the living crap out of the man you're boxing
-What it's not about
-Can we give this a rest?
What it's not about
is stopping halfway through round five
to enquire about his mother's arthritis
I promise, before this holiday is over
we're going to work
on this attitude problem of yours
If I can make you dislike just one person,
to bring out that hate and aggression,
it may just give me hope for your future
How many times, Dad?
I don't have any hidden aggression
because I never let people upset me
See? Look at me I'm Mr Cool,
which is something you should try sometime
You might live a bit longer
Would you believe it?
-What's that?
-That manky old dump across the road
You know, the one the travel agent said
was only being held together
by cockroach droppings
-What about it?
-There's a car outside
Must belong to them demolition people
No, look There's suitcases on the roof
My God Do you know, I think they've
actually conned someone into staying there
Must be some serious brain damage
(SCREAMING)
VICTOR: You bastards!
We'll see what the European Court
of Human Rights has to say about this!
Because I'm not letting it rest here, matey,
and don't think I am!
If Terry Waite can stick it, so can we!
You haven't got the better of us yet!
If I could just reach one of them
Got it!
-Oh, wonderful!
-There
-What's this?
-A lemon?
Is that all there is, Mr Meldrew?
All there
No, wait!
I think I can see a string of bratwurst sausages
just stringed up nicely in the next branch
Of course it's all there is It's a bloody lemon tree
What else do you expect to find on it?
We haven't eaten in two days
Give it here
I suppose there's no sign of life out there still
I can't make it out
There's no officers, no vehicles
The place is as quiet as a graveyard
I can't see much through these trees at all
if it comes to that
I can just make out a sign on the gate
Something ''da Queimada''
Police station, is that?
And some chickens
I mean, it can't be so remote
there's no one on duty in the whole
Oh
This isn't happening
Come on!
Oh!
How did you do that?
How did you unlock it?
I didn't unlock it
(STAMMERING) But how did
It wasn't locked
It was never locked It was just a bit stiff
Oh, God Haven't you worked it out yet?
Worked what out?
Rua da Queimada Doesn't that ring any bells?
This is our villa
How
You mean it isn't a police cell?
I showed them the address Don't you remember?
We thought they were arresting us
They were just bringing us to the house
That other officer must have picked up the keys
on the way from
Thirty-six hours we've spent
wallowing in our own filth, sucking lemons
''A charming villa to suit any couple''
Such as who? Bill Sikes and Nancy?
By the looks of it,
we'll be lucky if it's got a bloody roof
(STAMMERING) I
I don't believe it
Help!
I know
Anyway, we're over the worst now hopefully So
Yes 6:30
I'm looking forward to meeting you
in the flesh at long last
See you then, Alfonso Bye
I suppose this new aftershave
is going to be launched on the public again today
like chemical warfare, is it?
I'll be putting it on in just a second, yes
The one that makes you smell like a donkey?
I don't think I'm gonna risk this bed linen
Just as well we brought some of our own
Did you bring that other case? Oh, there it is
I don't know where you get that from
I mean, I'm hardly likely to pay Ł34 7
for an aftershave that makes me
smell like a donkey, am I?
Perfectly good aftershave
I don't know why you've such a downer on it
What is all this?
What the
But didn't you
You didn't
Oh, for crying out loud
I thought you were
supposed to have emptied all this
when you brought the case down from the attic
I thought you'd taken it out
I said I hadn't taken it out
You said you were going to do everything,
pack all the sheets and towels in it on Friday
I said, ''Why do I have to do everything?''
I asked you to pack all the sheets and
I laid them all out on the spare bed ready
You must have seen them
when you took the bloody thing down to the car
Well, I did see
This is what I've got to lie on in bed now, is it?
Ten years' worth of Access statements
and 1 00 copies of the Beezer!
We even had to pay excess baggage
to bring it here
Oh, stillI'm sure we can happily find a use
for this while we're here
I'll just go and see if there's some cheese
(DOOR SLAMMING)
(SNIFFING)
Go on Get out of it
Bugger off, the lot of you
Did someone put you up to this?
Go and sniff around someone else
I don't think it's as strong as all that
I'm getting sick of this
I like those
Look at that Italian calf leather
I have looked for a pair like this at home
Do you think I could find anything?
Thanks all the same
(CHOKING)
Is she all right?
Slap her on the back or something
Oh, God, it's something lodged in her throat
Out of the way Here, let me
Oh, thank you Obrigada.
I don't know what happens Eat too fast, I think
That's all right
I mean, it's called the Heimlich manoeuvre
I saw it demonstrated once
by Susan Stranks on Magpie.
MARGARET: Oh, did you?
I've been waiting all these years
for a chance to use it
You sure you're all right now?
I'm so grateful
I don't know what to say
Yes Well, it's getting on, I think,
and we don't want
to keep your friend Alfonso waiting, do we?
Perhaps you'd like to put her down now, Victor
You've just saved the woman from choking
You don't want to k*ll her with the aftershave
Ah, Victor
The non-specific urethritis is not giving you
too much trouble tonight, I hope
The scalding sensation
is now improving a little, yes?
Slightly, yes
I feel as if I'm walking through a dream
To think that I'm actually here
after all these years
Shame we never got to meet Maria
Two years is it now, since the accident?
They never found her body presumably
And I don't suppose they ever will
My wife for 26 years
Sometimes she would walk home
from the town along the cliff tops
It is a beautiful walk,
but very dangerous close to the edge
So many times I tell her to be careful,
that the ground can so easily crumble
beneath your feet like
dry fruitcake, you know
But
one day she goes into town,
she never came back
They found one of her shoes on top of the cliffs,
the other on the rocks below
A torn piece of her dress
caught on some driftwood
The current must have swept her far out to sea
Three weeks later, off the Estoril coast,
two skin divers find an octopus
holding a Gucci handbag
But, you know, it is hopeless
She is gone forever
Three weeks' time
would have been her 53rd birthday
Just before yours, then
She'll be 60 next month
Can I ever forget it?
Oh, I may have moved
Lovely Now just one more Lean in
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
Lovely
Oh, that's another roll finished
I seem to have a bag full of these things
I don't know
where they've all come from suddenly
It's been a terrific evening, Alfonso
(MOSQUITO BUZZING)
I'm afraid I've fallen in love with your house
May we take it back with us?
Of course
But you will find it is far too big for one person
For two, perhaps not so bad
(SLAPPING)
How you stick it in this climate is beyond me
Tomorrow you will ring me, Jean,
and I show you the wonders of the Algarve
And perhaps we take you scuba diving, Victor
-Yes, have you got any concrete flippers?
-ALFONSO: Sorry?
Nothing Good night, Alfonso
-Good night
-Night
Bye, Alfonso, and thank you again
You two seem to get on like a house on fire
Really?
Must have been a terrible ordeal for him,
losing his wife like that
He obviously loved her very much
Did you think so?
-What do you mean?
-Just thought it was a bit odd, that's all
Showed us around every room
and there wasn't a single photograph
of her in the house
No No, I haven't actually managed
to lay my hands on it again as such
Well, it must be round here somewhere
Yeah, ten to one it's in her handbag,
in which case I'll have to pick my moment
Listen, you get that front page ready for Sunday
And you better wear asbestos gloves
because these pictures are hot
Talk to you soon
(CAR APPROACHING)
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
(SHOES SQUEAKING)
MRS WARBOYS: Always worried that these things
won't live up to your expectations
But, if anything, I'd say he was even
better looking in the flesh than his photographs
I must have been a big disappointment
Yes, I expect so
What's that supposed to mean?
Sorry?
Go to bed
My skin's gone all dry now
I should've put something on my face
Try a pillow
Oh, be careful if you get up in the night
without your shoes on
I put that mousetrap down
near the bathroom door
(MOUSETRAP SNAPPING)
Oh
I wasn't, was I?
-What?
-A disappointment
I think you know the answer to that
as well as I do
It's funny
In the first few months after Chris left,
I was almost ready to drink the Domestos
It never occurred to me that one day I might
(MRS WARBOYS GIGGLING) Just listen to me!
Like some sort of silly schoolgirl
Have a good night, Jean See you in the morning
Night, Margaret
You know, this place isn't as bad as all that really
Once you get used to it
(MARTIN GROANING)
Sorry, Mr Meldrew?
-Good night, Mrs Warboys
-Night
(DOOR CLOSING)
Might get some of these developed today
if we can find somewhere
What time are you seeing Alfonso?
We said 1 0:00 at the golf house,
so if you just drop me at the bus stop, I'll be fine
Well, here he comes, the Silver Surfer
I don't think Tom Cruise
has got anything to worry about, do you?
You two ready?
We've been ready for half an hour
We were waiting for you
to finish faffing about up there
VICTOR: Faffing about up where?
(CAR DEPARTING)
(BANGING)
(GRUNTING)
(MUMBLING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, what's this? For us?
-What is it?
-Soup
Soup
Mmm! Mmm!
-Very tasty Did you make this yourself?
-Yes
It's lovely
-Victor
-What?
Oh, yes
Thank you
Mmm Mmm Delicious
MARGARET: Thank you very much
Watch where you're going,
you blundering great oaf
Why don't you just bury me alive with a shovel
and have done with it?
I'm sorry Did a bit of sand go up your nose?
I'll come and poke it out for you if you like
Oh, no! Look at that now
I've knocked over your bottle of embalming fluid
I sorry about that, man I really am
Victor, for God's sake!
Look at that!
Legs look like they've been pebble-dashed now!
I'll have to go wash it all off
It's too hot for me here I think I'll go for a walk
Oh, right
Before I rot away altogether
And, Hugo, here's a tip
When you're boxing, it's always a good idea
to remain perpendicular to the canvas
That way the audience get a better view
If we ever got sponsorship, you'll have to put
the product logo on the soles of your shoes,
'cause that's the only angle
the camera ever see you from
Oh, hello What have you brought me this time?
-Some roast beef and Yorkshire pudding?
-Yes
Mmm Thank you
God, you're wonderful, Dad
And you're doing a wonderful job
trying to wind me up
Except, unfortunately, I'm on my holiday
No one in the world is going to upset me
Now can you understand that?
Smell that ozone
Why can't you just accept it, Humphrey?
Your son is a really sane and centred individual
and that kind of self control
is a really rare quality these days
And I know what a big disappointment
it's been to you,
but there's not you or anyone else
can possibly faze him out
Hey! Watch out for the jellyfish!
Hello! How are you?
Oh, don't you remember?
In the shoe shop Isabella
You squeezed me, very tightly I think
You want a drink?
Yes, I think perhaps I will Thank you
Bloody vandals Look at that
I'll never be able to wear this again
Nice walk?
What?
Yes
Oh, guess what
I ran into Isabella, the lady from the shoe shop
Oh, yes
-Head first evidently
-Sorry?
What did she have stuck in her throat this time?
Your tongue?
My What the hell's that supposed to mean?
She just stopped by to say thank you
for that episode in the shop
I'll see you back at the car
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
Oh, look who it is! It's the sunbathing mummy!
How is your embalming fluid, big man? All right?
Look at you You're like a bleeding corpse!
Just try one more trick like that, that's all!
One more and see what happens!
(CRASHING)
(MAN SHOUTING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, I said you should have come
to the golf with us
You want to see Alfonso's swing!
Like poetry in motion
Oh, there's another roll to put in, by the way
Did you find a shop for the others?
I forgot every word about it actually
Better start getting ready
I've only got three hours
Are you sure you won't change your mind
about tonight?
It's supposed to be a lovely drive,
right up through the mountains,
and Alfonso said the food is out of this world
No, you and Victor go I'm not really in the mood
And, of course, a good detective show
I love them
The Poirots and Miss Marples
It's something I think
we always do much better than the Americans
Apart from Columbo, of course
Oh, you have to admire the way they get
all that period detail of the '70s
exactly right like that
It's a real credit to them
All that period detail?
That's because they were made in the '70s
-What were?
-The Columbos.
They were
You're drunk and we haven't started eating yet
And then again,
none of it's as grizzly as real life, is it?
Oh, you remember that case in Ostrich Gardens?
Man with one arm
went off with that girl from Do-It-All?
They fell in love
while he was changing a light bulb
Well, he was a nasty piece of work
from all accounts
I'm sure you can't change a light bulb
if you've only got one arm
You can if you've still got the receipt
Anyway, they reckon he did his wife in, in a pinch
Drowned her in the bath with Charlie Chester
turned up loud to cover the screams
(VOICE ECHOING) Then buried the body under
the dog kennel in the back garden
and made out she'd just gone missing
Well, of course, one day,
the dog started to get a bit
For God's sake, will you stop this?
I'm sorry
When you talk of drowning
the memory is still very painful
-Forgive me, I should have not shouted
-Oh, no, no, no
It was my fault
I don't know what I was thinking of
I have made up my mind
I can hardly keep my eyes open
Go back now, Jean, and sleep well,
and I will call you in the morning
Night, Alfonso, night Night
(MRS WARBOYS EXCLAIMING)
-I won't be a second
-Don't go, Alfonso
Wonderful, good
Think, woman
For heaven's sake
Meu Deus! Houve ali um acidente.
Devem ter chocado de frente.
E o outro seguiu viagem e deixou-os aqui.
Acho que deviam todos sair do carro.
Ela está inconsciente.
Ela precisa urgentemente de assisténcia médica.
Puxa-a para cima agora.
Tudo bem.
Ora! Agora é depressa para o hospital!
Where the hell have you gone?
Mrs Warboys!
Where have you disappear
Oh, you stupid, stupid, stupid woman
Why couldn't you stay
Oh, my God!
Is something wrong?
Oh, yes It's my friend
She's had rather a lot to drink
and I think she may have
And
You're not serious?
I mean, she wasn't in a fit state to walk anywhere
Are you sure she's down there?
Well, I don't know
I've shouted around everywhere
Mrs Warboys!
Are you all right?
(ECHOING)
If you're down there, say something!
Get to the nearest phone
Ring the coastguard quick as you can
For God's sake, be careful
COASTGUARD: (ON LOUDSPEAKER)
Mrs Warboys. Mrs Warboys.
(SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE)
Is there anything?
What about my husband?
There must be some sign of him out there
or something I mean
What's happened to him?
Help!
(OVER RADIO) ...os amigos da senhora
desaparecida viessem â casa mortuária.
Contemos consigo para fazer uma identificação,
que será útil para nós.
Diga?
Certo. Vou já tratar disso.
You're Signora Meldrew?
Yes What's happened?
We'd like you both to go to the hospital mortuary
to make an identification
Tenho muita pena de vos fazer vir aqui
em circunstâncias tão trágicas.
He say he's very sorry to bring you here
under such circumstances
Peço-vos que se preparem para um choque.
Não é uma visão muito agradável.
He say to prepare yourself
as it is not a very pleasant sight
Tanto quanto sabemos que o pé da senhora
foi engolido por um tubarão.
He say it appears
that her foot was bitten off by a shark
Oh, my God!
MARGARET: Is this it?
O senhor tome o tempo que quiser,
mas veja se reconhece o pé.
He say take your time and tell him
if you recognise it
Tell him if we Well, is this all there is?
Excuse me?
We thought we were coming here
to look at a body
I mean, where the devil has this come from,
for heaven's sake?
Ele quer saber de onde é o pé.
Foi um pescador de Porches que o trouxe.
Encontrou-o nos intestinos do barracuda morto.
O meu trabalho é tentar descobrir
a quem pertence o pé.
He say a fisherman from Porches
find it in the stomach of a dead barracuda
Now we try to find out who it belongs to
Find out who it
What is this?
A new version of Cinderella by David Lynch?
My wife's upset enough as it is
without you shoving
these grizzly atrocities like this under our
Wait Wait, just a minute
That's not her foot
What do you mean?
She had a large bunion on her big toe
She showed it to me two months ago
Are you sure?
And she always cuts her toenails neater than that
No I'm positive
Whoever this belonged to,
it definitely wasn't Jean
(MRS WARBOYS MUMBLING)
(OVER INTERCOM)
Dr Cardoso na cardiologia imediatamente.
Dr Cardoso na cardiologia imediatamente.
One of us is going to have to ring him
and it's not going to be me
Poor man's already lost one wife over a cliff
What does he use?
Some sort of kamikaze dating agency?
I just cannot believe she was left there like that,
in that condition,
next to a complete sheer drop,
in total darkness
Yes, now, no point blaming yourself
How can you sit and
I wouldn't put it past you
to have trussed her up in a sack
and thrown her in
Oh, for goodness sake!
You have never liked the woman
as long as you've known her
To you, she was just a gibbering old bat
who called round twice a week
to polish off our digestive biscuits
''A plague of locusts with earrings'',
was it, you called her?
You never took a thing she said seriously
or had so much as a civil word for her
Well, I just hope you're satisfied
Margaret
Oh, bugger off
I'm in no mood for your gormless drivel either
Thank you very
Jean!
Yeah
All right, hon
Yeah Love you
Bye
A fisherman's offered to drive him over so
Oh, I can't believe it
So how did he sound?
Oh, he sounded tired, I suppose
Maybe he'll grab some sleep on the way back
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
(SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE)
I haven't even put any of it on today
Go on, get out of here Shush
Bloody aftershave I can't walk five yards now
without getting a snout up my backside
Who runs their marketing research department?
Muffin the Mule?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
I'll get it
(SIGHING)
Water's not heating up properly in that tap now
Think it must be a fault in the boiler
Do you know anything about
(DOOR BANGING)
Oh, God!
I never thought I'd see you again
How do you feel?
How do I feel?
I've just spent seven hours
of total sensory deprivation
throwing up
and pulling live herrings out of my underpants,
only to be driven back here by a trained chimp
inside a vehicle with all the comfort
of a runaway cement mixer
All because Wacky Races across the road
tells me someone's fallen into the sea,
when all that's happened
is her bloody shoe's come off!
And you want to know how I feel?
In words of one sodding syllable,
this is how I feel!
-Hugo!
-Yes, yes, you can do it
Go, go, go, go, go!
It's in there
I always knew it was in there
I think I need a bath
-MARGARET: Are we coming back here after lunch?
-I expect so
I might go and apologise
to that bloke over the road later on
for last night and everything
Right
Excuse me
Hang on
Take that, will you? Obrigada.
So, there
Obviously you would like some time
I cannot expect you to give an answer right away
(CHUCKLING) Oh
I know it's barely a week
since we met face to face,
but, of course
over the years, really, I've
I feel I've got to know you
(PHONE RINGING)
I'm sorry
It will be that business call
Please forgive me, Jean
My mouth's gone quite dry
I'll go and get us a refill
MARTIN: No, fair's fair
No, I've mucked you about
No, I understand I have mucked you about
Tell you what I'll do New offer
I'm prepared to let you have it for 1 00 grand
less the cost of processing and developing,
which, according to my notes here, comes to
Ł999,99567
Or about Ł5 for every bone I've had broken
in my body getting the bloody thing back
Yeah, it should be here in a second, yeah
Yeah, on its way Hot from the presses
-Obrigada.
-There, sir
Yeah You'll be pleased to hear
that I have in my hand the merchandise
Prints and negatives of a set of photographs
that is going to send
shock waves throughout the
What the bloody hell is this?
This isn't the film I gave you
What're you trying to do to me?
Este é o rolo que vocé me deu para revelar.
Por que eu havia de querer enganá-lo?
Essas são as fotografias que estavam nele.
Eu não tenho culpa, homem.
Oh, no
This is some kind of cruel joke
I bet I
It's coming back to me now
For some reason...
-but there was nobody here
-It's all clear.
She never had it in the first place
because it never fell on the floor in the first place
because I'd already put it back in my pocket
I have travelled halfway across bloody Europe
getting half k*lled, looking for a roll of film
that all the time was inside the lining
of my own bleeding jacket!
Sim. Obrigada.
What are you doing?
You kept them all this time
One on the cliff,
one on the rocks?
That's how they were found?
Please put them down, Jean
These are the shoes she was wearing
the day she fell?
No
I don't think she did fall from that cliff at all
-What are you trying
-Look!
Look at them, Alfonso
Can't you see?
Couldn't anyone see
what's staring you in the face?
I
They are both
left shoes
Both
But that isn't possible
They're from two different pairs
They're not identical
but they're quite similar enough
for someone in a hurry
to pick them both up thinking they went together
and plant them on the cliff
with a torn dress
to make it look as if there'd been an accident
No woman
would ever have made this mistake, Alfonso
Mind your legs I'll just give you a top-up
(SIGHING)
Sorry about this
Think the pilot went out or something
Your dad's having a look at it now
That's the business
Oh, yes
(DOORBELL RINGING)
I'll get it
Oh, hello
I Is your husband in?
I think I owe him an apology
for last night and everything
He's in the bath at the moment
If you'd just like to wait a sec
HUMPHREY: Shirley, can you
give me a hand in here?
Hang on
I'm needed in the kitchen
(TAPPING)
For goodness sake!
Out! Come on
Will you stop following me?
Where did you come from anyway?
Out
For goodness sakes
Come on
Shh!
Will you stop following me?
(DONKEY URINATING)
Oh, yes
Some of that
That's nice
You're doing a terrific job
That's lovely
Thanks
Just absol
How are you this morning?
Should have expected it really
All the people on holiday in Portugal,
you have to pick a fight with a professional boxer
No wonder he went berserk
I should think that's the first time
a donkey's ever been floored with a left hook
How's that going down?
All right?
Can you manage any more or
(MUMBLING)
Right
Jean is late
I hope everything is all right over there
She said she had a feeling
Alfonso might propose to her today
Perhaps I'll just give them a quick ring
(MUMBLING)
Yes
I expect so
It's ringing, but there's no answer
(PHONE RINGING)
Something's wrong
I have that feeling
Something I don't know
(MUMBLING)
(MUMBLING) You're justto go over there
watch televisionin the first place
It's ever since you've said that,
about why there were no pictures of his wife
And that night in the restaurant,
with those m*rder stories
Why would he get all agitated?
I think we should go over there, Victor Now!
(VICTOR MUMBLING PROTESTS)
Well, yes No!
I don't know
Look, I'll drive Just stick your shoes on
Quickly I hate to think what we might find
Jean?
MRS WARBOYS: It's funny how you can
go on deceiving yourself,
ignoring what your insides
have been telling you all the time
It was
whenever I mentioned her name
something happened to his eyes
Suddenly he wasn't looking at me anymore
she never came back
He was looking through me.
They found one of her shoes
Back to another world.
-on top of the cliffs
-A world he could never recapture.
When I saw the shoes,
that's when I started to guess
that the whole thing was an invention.
The torn dress on the rocks...
even the handbag in the sea.
It all added up to one thing.
His wife had faked her own death
to go and live with someone else
Faked her own death?
Alfonso worshipped Maria
She was his life
She knew that if she just ran away,
he'd only come after her
Hound her to the end of his days
She had to make him believe
she was gone forever
Well
even at the suggestion
another man had been in the house
helping her to plant the evidence,
it was as if I wasn't there anymore
Everything that was sacred to her memory
he'd kept hidden away in the cellar.
He just couldn't let go.
He started searching then
through all her belongings for some sort of clue.
He said he had to know for certain if it was true.
Then suddenly he remembered.
A few years before,
a business trip she'd made to Faro,
to see a male colleague.
At the time, he half suspected
she might have been...
Well...
from somewhere he found a phone number...
and, of course,
who should answer it, but...
Maria
Alfonso
Inácio. Inácio.
After that there was no reasoning with him.
Mas tu não vias que nunca me podia
ter ido simplesmente embora.
MRS WARBOYS: He said he needed
some time to himself now.
Please, Jean
MRS WARBOYS: That it wouldn't change
anything between the two of us.
To wait a couple of days and he'd call me
and we'd pick up where we left off.
This makes no difference between us
I will call you in two days
MRS WARBOYS: And I knew then
that I'd never see him again.
I'm sorry I was in a bit of a state
when I got back last night
I'm afraid it's all rather knocked me for six
(MUMBLING)
turned out for the best
You never said a truer word, Mr Meldrew,
and I appreciate that very much
Aah! Ow!
(MARTIN SCREAMING)
Strange
I wasn't all that keen
on coming to Portugal at first,
but now that we're about to leave,
I never want to see the bloody place again
as long as I live
Yes, that's the good thing
about having a really miserable holiday
It makes the going home such a positive joy
Like the last time we got back
from our holiday abroad
to find our house had been demolished
Oh, yes
Funny, you can laugh about it now, can't you?
I suppose you can't, really
Well
I guess we'll have to look lively in minute
We've got a long drive back to the airport
Make sure I've got my passport and everything
Oh, yes I haven't seen those yet, have I?
-What's that? Another album's worth?
-Yes
That roll of film, you know, we thought we'd lost
Found it in the car yesterday
Must've fallen out of
someone's pocket or something
when they were in the back seat
Now, if I'm right,
these should start the day
we drove down through the mountains
Where are we?
My God
-VICTOR: What is it?
-What's wrong?
Is that
Oh, surely not
Or is it someone who just looks like him?
It can't be him
Look, where did these come from?
How should I know?
Where do things ever come
Oh, my God, look It gets worse
Do you see what they're doing in this one,
Mr Meldrew?
Something beginning with ''H''
MARGARET: No
It's one of those professional lookalikes
or something
It must be
It's just a practical joke
by whoever had the car before us
It's filth, whatever it is,
and I don't want to look at any more of it
Well
I suppose we'd better ask for the bill
Time's getting on
Conta, por favor.
I've got some Portuguese money I could pay
MARGARET: Are you sure?
(SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE)
Airport please, aeroporto.
Quick as you can, please
(GASPING)
Do you need to go anywhere before we leave,
Mr Meldrew?
No, thank you
MRS WARBOYS: It's funny how the penicillin
never managed to clear it up
VICTOR: Do you mind
if we talk about something else?
MRS WARBOYS: Am I driving us back?
VICTOR: I thought I'd hitch a ride on
a giant slug this time to speed things up
(CRASHING)
(MARTIN SCREAMING)
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave
VICTOR: Hello! Hello!
Hello. Oh, hell... I can't hear myself think!
Stop it!
Will you turn off that ruddy racket?
# They tell me I am well past my prime
# The landlord in the sky's calling time
# But there's one thing that he ought to know
# I am not yet ready to go
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, but don't shed a tear
# I'm not exactly a little old dear
# One thing's for sure, I'm still bloody well here
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #
04x07 - Comic Relief Special: Victor in the Bath
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Series features the exploits, mishaps and misadventures of irascible early retiree Victor Meldrew, who, after being made redundant from his job as a security guard at the age of 60, finds himself at w*r with the world and everything in it.
Series features the exploits, mishaps and misadventures of irascible early retiree Victor Meldrew, who, after being made redundant from his job as a security guard at the age of 60, finds himself at w*r with the world and everything in it.