Ho, ho, ho !
This is for Richie, who's been a good little boy.
And this is for Eddie.
Enough said !
Right, where's the sherry ?
- Typical !
- Hic !
Never mind !
Sweet dreams, little boy ! Ho, ho, ho !
Merry Christmas, Santa !
Cut me down, Eddie ! I mean, little boy !
- It'll cost you ten quid, Richie.
- I'm not Richie, I'm Santa Claus !
Ho, ho... urrgh !
It'll cost you ten quid, Santa Claus !
I don't know why I bother !
Every year the same ! There you are !
Ta very much.
That was a particularly nasty fall !
And season's greetings to you, too,
little fellow ! Ho, ho, ho !
Christ, I think I've broken my leg !
Merry Christmas, Eddie ! I thought
I heard sleigh bells. Has he been ?
Oh, he has ! Oh, joy, oh, joy !
Let's open our presents !
Oh, look, mine's bigger than yours !
That must mean I've been a nicer boy than you !
Go back to bed. It's half-past three.
No present opening till half-past seven !
Come on, let's see what Santa's brought us ! Oooh !
Ooh !
It's a... It's a Brussels sprout.
That should come in handy for Christmas lunch !
Ooh...
it's a...
it's another Brussels sprout !
Thought so ! We must have enough
for a whole Christmas lunch now !
Good old Santa thinks of everything.
That's present number 113.
Another Brussels sprout.
Mustn't forget the thank you letter list !
Don't want Santa to think
we're ungrateful... Eddie ?
You've fallen asleep again !
Aren't you going to open your stocking ?
Well, I would, but there doesn't seem
to be much in this small child's sock.
Perhaps you haven't been a very good little boy.
Did you post my letter to Father Christmas ?
I can't seem to find the Star bird
I asked for, or me Batman cape,
or the ticket to the Bahamas !
You can't expect Santa to put expensive gifts
like that in a stocking !
Well, he ought to
'cause I signed the letter "Eddie h*tler.
On y va qui mal y pense, Eddie ! Qui mal y pense !
Now, come on, it's time !
Let's get our big ones out !
Tee hee A big Christmas joke
like "Do you like stuffing ?"
Now, what have you got me ?
Here you go, Richie.
- Aren't you going to open it ?
- I don't think I'll bother.
Why not ? What's wrong with it ?
It's about 20 times too small.
It's the thought that counts.
No, it's not. It's the size that counts.
Don't you read "Cosmopolitan" ?
How can I ?
They're all hidden under your mattress.
That'll do ! Let's try and keep it festive !
God, I hate Christmas !
I thought you were getting me
something sun-kissed and exotic !
And I have. Just open it !
It's a miniature bottle of Malibu !
It's an EMPTY miniature bottle of Malibu !
Correct ! Merry Christmas, Richie !
- What use is that ?
- You can use it to keep Malibu in,
so long as you keep it away from me. Hic !
Right, that's it !
Hang on, hang on ! I was only joking.
It's good for morale.
Look, here's your big one !
Oh ! Oh, Eddie, you haven't !
You haven't !
- No, you haven't !
- What do you mean ?
- It's empty.
- No, it's not !
Beg your pardon. There's a toilet roll in here.
A used toilet roll !
That is not a used toilet roll.
That is a play telescope !
I've drawn a picture of Sue Carpenter
in a bikini on the beach at one end !
Hey, that's bloody good, Eddie !
Why has she got five legs ?
No, that's her hand. She's waving.
It's perspective !
Hello, Richie !
Yes, that's bloody good !
Hey ! She's only got one knocker.
No, that's a speech bubble. She's talking to you.
Oh, yes, so she is !
"Fick urf...
"...you sad, pathtic winker."
I wonder what she means ?
- Well, where's mine ?
- All right !
What is it ?
It's a picture.
Oh, a picture. What of ?
Of me !
A self-portrait. Don't you like it ?
It's bollocks, isn't it, Richie ?
No, it's not, it's one of mine,
although he is awfully good.
We have a similar style. A lot of people
say my work looks like Bollocks.
Let's go downstairs
and see where we can hang it !
- It could go next to the table.
- That should help me lose weight.
We could stick it in the toilet !
Not a bad idea. I doubt if the flush
mechanism could handle it, though.
What ?
I've got the perfect place for it !
Right a bit, I think.
No, left.
Down a bit. Hold it there.
Yep, that's just about dandy.
That looks lovely !
You're a philistine, Edward h*tler !
It took me 15 minutes to paint that !
God, seven o'clock.
Another 27 hours of Christmas to go.
I won't survive. I'll have
to blank out in front of the telly.
No one watches the telly until the Queen's speech !
It's Noel's Christmas Family Video Accidents !
I don't care. We're going to do Christmas properly,
unless there's a Bond film on.
OK ? Let's keep it Christmassy.
There's only five hours till lunch.
I have to get my sprouts on.
Don't want them crunchy.
Not sprouts !
- I hate sprouts !
- Stop whingeing ! Nobody likes sprouts !
Why are we having them, then ?
Because it's Christmas !
We've got guests coming,
so I'd better get on with my turkey.
What are you going to do with it ?
It's the season of goodwill,
so I'll chop its feet off, rip out its innards,
shove an onion up its arse
and cook it till it's burnt.
- Fair enough.
- Right, now peel the potatoes.
We've four people coming so that means...
four potatoes.
Do you really want me to peel them ?
You'll only incinerate them.
Why don't we just bung 'em straight in the bin ?
All right, I'll do all the cooking...
...so long as you do
all the decorations. Now, crackers ?
Yes, but it's never stopped me so far !
Have you got the crackers ?
No, it's just the way my trousers hang !
Eddie, enough of the cr*cker jokes.
I'm talking about the things you hold and pull.
I've got one of those
but I'm not sticking it on the table !
You are funnier than Jonathan Ross.
But he's not funny.
Exactly. Get out of my kitchen before I twot you.
- Not fast enough !
- Fair enough. Point taken.
You scrape all the congealed bits
off the cutlery and lay the table,
I'll get on with the brandy butter.
Where's the brandy ?
Er... Hic !
That's effing marvellous, isn't it ?!
Hold your horses, Richie ! Don't panic, because...
Vodka margarine !
That's brilliant. Are you sure it's flammable ?
I anticipated your concern,
so I spiced it up
with a couple of cans of hairspray.
That is brilliant ! Well done !
That's sorted. Now, table placings.
I thought I'd put you next
to Spudgun because you're both...
...well, sort of, ugh, you know, aren't you ?
Did you get four quid off them each for the meal ?
- Yes, I did.
- Where is it ?
I spent it on the brandy.
I don't believe it ! You're no help at all !
You've done nothing
towards this season's goodwill !
You haven't even bought a tree !
- Yes, I have !
- Where is it ?
Shield your eyes and I shall wheel her in !
No, there's no time.
Ta-da !
That's not a Christmas tree, it's a geranium !
Well, whatever it is, it cost 16 quid.
- 16 quid ?!
- So that's eight quid you owe me.
Eight quid ? That's nearly 50 pence a needle !
Oh, I despair, I really do !
And it's half-past eight already !
Half-past eight and all's crap !
I've got to get into my kitchen !
Spray-on snow to make everything Christmassy.
I'll scrub my sprouts.
I thought you were going to do some cooking.
Fair enough. Point taken.
Right, it's simple enough. It's potatoes anglaise.
Sprouts ? la...
...? la water...
And turkey ? la...
...oven !
That should get their taste buds going !
When it comes down to it,
there's only me and Keith Floyd left !
Bloody hell ! Bloody hell, Eddie !
Help ! Help !
Why ?
- What have you done ?
- I'd have thought that was obvious !
Oh, I see.
Ooh !
That's a bit of a nasty nick, isn't it ?
Why don't you call an ambulance ?
I haven't got anything to dial with now !
First aid ! What's the procedure
for someone who's chopped their finger off ?
I think they bleed to death in half an hour.
I don't want to die !
What did we do in the Boy Scouts ?
No, there's no time for that.
Apply a tourniquet
- before I lose consciousness !
- Okey-dokey. What is a tourniquet ?
It's when you restrict the flow
of blood around the body. Come on !
All the blood's rushing to your head.
Don't worry, I'll keep it there !
Look, it's working !
Look, I found your finger !
Pull your finger out, Richie !
- This is no time for fun and games !
- Yes, it is. It's Christmas Day !
Oh, it's worked !
Get your needle out. You'd better sew it back on.
I don't know. You know me and my sewing !
Yes, that reminds me, I must take
the dress you made me to the charity shop.
That wasn't a dress. That was a woolly hat.
Was it ?
Never mind, because...
I'm a dab hand with one of these !
Ooh, God !
Ooh, agh !
Thanks, Eddie. AGH !
Sorry, wrong finger !
Urrgh !
It worked ! Thank God !
Good ! Everything's going swimmingly !
Hot enough for you, little sprouts ?
Or is that the potatoes ? Or is it the stuffing ?
Everything looks the same !
That means everything's ready !
Look at the time !
They'll be here soon. Is the tree ready ?
Yep. There she is !
Shall I fire her up ?
Rather ! Get a bit of Christmas glow going !
Right... Contact.
That's quite a lot of Christmas glow,
isn't it ? Shall I open the window ?
Um... yes, thank you very much.
And there she goes...
...same as usual.
- That's the tenth one that's gone up like that.
- Yeah.
Do you remember
that electrician's course I went on ?
I'm beginning to think I should have
stayed for the full half hour.
Oh, Christmas !
Ding dong merrily on bloody high !
Why's it always so desperately depressing ?
Why does it never snow ?
You can't make a drizzle man, can you ?
Can't play drizzle balls ! At least
the drizzle will put the tree out
and nothing else can go wrong !
Agh !
Open the window before I faint from the pain !
Thank you. Eddie, come this way !
I don't know why I bother ! I really don't !
Eddie, stand back.
Merry Christmas !
Lordy, lordy, it's the guests !
We've got no time for fighting now !
We'll pick up where we left off later.
Remember where we got up to.
It'll be bloody difficult to forget !
Well, just in case...
...remember that ! Tidy up.
I'll welcome them over the threshold.
- I'm coming !
Can't wait to eat me out of
house and home, parasitic bastards !
Hello, Dave Hedgehog ! How are you ?
No, I'm Dave.
Oh, God, my eyes !
I really must stop masturbating ! Damn !
Well, hello !
Gosh, it's been what ?
Raining ?
- No, no, it's been ages.
- What has ?
Well, since we last, you know...
We never, you know, with you !
No, it's all going wrong. This is silly !
Come in ! Come ye ! Come ye !
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay
Remember... Er...
You said he was being put away before Christmas !
She won't last long.
She lost a lot of blood this morning
and she hasn't got the stamina !
Great, shall we have a drink, then ?
Here we are. Drinks coming right up !
What's that ?!
Gravy.
Gravy ?
Somebody drank all the sherry,
didn't they, Eddie ?
Hic !
- Well, I'm not drinking that !
- I beg your pardon ?
- I said I'm not drinking that.
- You just drink that up right now
or do I have to force it down your throat ?
Eh ? Eh ?
- What do you reckon ?
- Drink it. He's a psycho.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Merry Christmas, one and all !
Is it Christmas ? Today ?
Merry Christmas, then. That must
be why that woman gave me that aftershave.
- What woman ?
- That old woman who hangs round the place.
You know, what's-her-name, my wife.
Andrea, no, no, Avril.
No, what am I thinking of ? Susan, that's the one !
Spudgun, you go next to Eddie
because you're both so ghastly.
You go next to me. Anyone who turns up
might take you for a Bohemian
rather than the sad, unemployable wretch you are.
Enjoy yourselves ! It's supposed
to be Christmas ! Heavens above !
- What's that smell ?
- That's lunch.
Thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident !
Right, here we go !
- One potato or two ?
- Two, please.
No...
...one.
No, two.
- No, one !
- OK, one.
That's better.
I changed my mind. None.
'Scuse fingers.
- Help yourself to sprouts.
- Oh, no, not sprouts.
Sprouts. So it IS Christmas, then.
Now, then, who likes stuffing ?
Ha, ha, ha !
Oh, no one. Oh, well, worth it for the joke, eh ?
Cor ! What a magnificent bird !
- Where ?
- Gets 'em every year !
Here we go, then.
Hey, who's for a lovely juicy bit of breast ?
Ha, ha, ha !
I love Christmas !
Eddie, are you a leg or a breast man ?
Would you like a magazine to read
while he tells his Christmas jokes ?
It's all academic now. I've made
a slight miscalculation with the timing.
Never mind ! Let's get
straight onto the pudding !
- Eddie, switch out the lights.
- Righto.
- Switch the lights back on !
- Righto !
Wait until I get to the pudding
before you switch out the lights.
- Righto !
- Wait !
Just smearing the vodka margarine on it !
Are you sure this will sustain the flame ?
It should do. It's been soaking
for two weeks. Should go up a treat.
- Here goes. Switch off the lights.
- Righto !
Bloody hell !
Well, same time next year, lads ?
Merry Christmas.
No, no, come on !
There's plenty of Christmas fun left !
No one likes pudding anyway !
Let's pull some crackers.
What, there's some birds coming ?
Ha, ha, ha !
Yeah, Christmas is great with jokes,
isn't it ? Come on !
Chivvy, chivvy ! If it wasn't
for me, you'd sit around all day
drinking and watching the television !
They've changed the titles to "Emmerdale Farm".
It's just called "Emmerdale" now.
Doesn't take so long to read.
Gives you a lot more time to do other things.
Can pack a lot more story in.
Mmm... Mmm...
- Mmm... Mmm...
- We still can't hear you !
If I speak, I'm out of the game.
You just spoke, so you're out of the game, then !
Stop ! New game, OK ?
When I go like this, it means it's a film.
All right ? So, it's a film.
Well, what's it called ?
No, you're supposed to tell me.
Why, don't you know ?
If you don't know, we could be here all night !
- You have to guess !
- Tell us. It's a lot quicker.
All right, stop, stop !
Shall we start again ? Off we go.
- It's a film.
- It's a TV programme.
- They televised it ?
- Or it's on video ?
No, no, no ! It's not a film.
You just said it was a film !
- All right. I'll go back to the film !
- Just tell us what it is !
All right. It was "The g*ns of Navarone".
Satisfied ?
Right. My turn.
"Goldfinger" !
Right, Hedgehog.
I'll have "Goldfinger" as well.
You can't have that. Eddie had that.
Let's just all have "Goldfinger"
and then pack it in, OK ?
Right, Spudgun.
"Goldfinger".
Right, now that's that over with, OK ?
What's next ?
Sardines !
Anything's better than that bloody turkey !
- Oh, Jesus Christ, who can that be ?!
Are they collecting on Christmas Day ?
Sod off, you do-gooding bastards !
Oh !
Oh !
Oh !
Who is it ?
I don't know. He can't talk.
Well, punch him in the face
and kick him down the stairs !
If he's too drunk to talk,
he won't put up much of a fight, will he ?
Go on ! Enjoy yourself ! It's Christmas !
Look, guys, it's a baby.
What ?
I've got a baby.
We don't want a baby.
Get rid of it.
We're happy as we are.
Why spoil everything ?
We'll drift apart !
I mean, it's bound to come between us.
Well, I think that it's come between us already.
Come on, Eddie ! It's time
we faced up to our responsibilities !
We can't carry on being playboys
all our lives ! Besides...
it's a fact now. We have to deal with it !
Why couldn't you be more careful ?
Poor little mite. What a way
to spend your first Christmas !
Lying on your back with a bottle
sounds pretty good to me !
Don't cry, little matey !
Coo-ee !
I think he likes me !
Poor little blighter !
His first Christmas,
no family, no friends,
no Christmas presents !
Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him.
Yeah, he can have my Christmas present.
It's a box of Terry's All Gold.
He'll have to wait for his little teeth
before he can manage the chewy ones.
Yeah, and he can have my Frankenstein mask.
I was going to scare the sh*t
out of Richie with it later.
Agh ! Oh !
And you can have my bottle of aftershave.
It's a new one.
It's called "Grrr !"
Gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr !"
And you're all wearing crowns !
And I'm a virgin !
- I thought you said you weren't !
- I was fibbing to look hunky.
Oh, didn't work, did it ?
No, but enough of that.
Guys, if I was you, I'd stay on my knees.
This is it.
This is the Second Coming.
- What ?
- Well, look !
The three kings, gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr !",
the virgin birth.
And look - a blue headscarf !
I mean, that really tops it off !
It's all slotting into place.
I knew I was special !
I always knew I was different
from the other people !
That's why I never got a shag !
I was being kept pure because I'm better
than everyone else in the whole world !
Had a few pretty narrow squeaks, though !
Oh, yes... I didn't really. I'm lying to meself !
Guys...
...I think that we should pray.
- I think his nappy needs changing.
- What ?
Yeah, go on, Richie.
I mean, you're his mother.
Aw, come on, guys.
This is the 20th century. It's not fair.
But we are not worthy, O holy one.
Yeah, that's right, O chosen thing.
Yeah, O one...
...what he said.
What do you mean, "What he said" ?
You're supposed to be a wise man !
All right. I'll do it.
Who'd be a woman ? I don't know !
Are you sure he's the son of God ?
Nobody smoke ! Eddie, get the mop
and the bucket and the bleach.
What ?! You can't put bleach on a baby's bottom !
Let me have a go. I come from a large family.
You'd have to, wouldn't you !
You know, what we need is some girls
with really big breasts !
You've been saying that for 20 years.
Not for me, you fool ! For the baby !
He's very good with the baby, isn't he ?
Yes, he is. I am thinking
of conferring a sainthood upon him.
What, Saint Spudgun ?
Haven't you got
through to the Pope yet ?
No, he's gone.
Right, then. Next one,
Pope G.
Pope G ? He's not Pope Gavin, is he ?
It's Pope John Paul !
- Look under Pope JP !
- Oh, right, JP.
Pope JP. I didn't know he lived in Twickenham !
Fancy that !
Did you know... ?
Stop that ! You show some respect !
I'm not going to let the arrival
of the son of God spoil my Christmas !
Ooh, some terrible things will happen to you
when you finally pop off !
Yes, I shall have a word
with Richard Junior's father -
you know, my husband-in-law, God !
I shall make sure you get
a right proper roasting and no mistake !
It's not just my flat now,
it's my universe ! My name...
is now Richard Mary...
...and you all have to do everything I say
otherwise you will all go to hell ! Yeah !
Bloody hell ! This would work a treat
with Tracey down the Lamb & Flag !
I need some commandments.
One, everyone has to give me their money.
Two, all the girls in the world
have to take their tops down now.
NOW ! Three, no one's allowed
to hit me ever again in my whole life !
Hello, boys ! Merry Christmas and all that bollocks !
I didn't knock 'cause I couldn't be bothered.
Mr Harrison, you may be our landlord
but I'm the mother of God, so if you...
Oh, bugger off, you sad git !
Now, where's my grandson ?
Your... grandson ?
Are you deaf ? My daughter left him
with me. She'll be back soon, cow !
She went to see her bloody mother.
Stupid bitch had a heart att*ck this morning.
Expects us all to gather round,
and there's "Goldfinger" on the telly !
On Christmas Day - I ask ya !
Sorry I didn't ask but I knew you'd
say no so I thought, "Sod it !"
You bloody coo, you !
Keep your trap shut about my daughter
or I'll tell the police you kidnapped him !
- Where's Johnny ?
- I was showing him off to the neighbours !
He's such a bonny... bloody... thing !
Poor thing, he's hungry.
I'd better feed him. Bring him over here, Dad.
- You don't mind, do you, gents ?
- No, no !
Go ahead !
Merry bloody Christmas !
02x05 - Holy
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Eddie and Richie are two pathetic, sex-crazed, slobby flatmates living in a filthy, damp flat at 11 Mafeking Parade in Hammersmith, London.
Eddie and Richie are two pathetic, sex-crazed, slobby flatmates living in a filthy, damp flat at 11 Mafeking Parade in Hammersmith, London.