03x02 - Terror

[bunniefuu]

Here it is ! It's arrived !

- What ?
- It's arrived !

Fantastic !

It gets so hot in the kitchen !

Here we are. "Spot the Ball
Competition, page 13."

Lucky 13 !

- And the winner is...
- Yes, yes, yes !

"Mr T. Venables, Wembley Stadium, London."

Bastard ! He wins every week !

I think he might be the photographer.

Look ! His balls have got to be THERE !

They're underneath his shorts.
I drew 'em in, both of 'em.

They can't be in the goal mouth,
unless it's a ladies' match.

No, it's just a perm.

That's another 25 quids' worth
of postal orders down the Swanee !

Maybe they mean the football.

Don't be stupid !

That could be anywhere !

Use your head, Eddie. Honestly !
If I wasn't here, where would you be ?

In the pub.

Mentally, where would you be ?

Inside Maria Whitaker's bra.

- Nice venue. Can I tag along ?
- You haven't got the bus fare !

Besides, you lost all your money
on that competition.

I knew I was pissed off. Good.
I'm back on track. I'm depressed.

Thanks. I feel great now. sh*t, no !
I'm supposed to be depressed.

You twat ! Everything's just gone
to bollocks. I don't know where I am now !

And it's only half-past eight in the morning !

Never mind about all that. How's your sausage ?

It's a bit personal, isn't it ?

- Oh, you mean my sausage !
- Yes.

- You asked about my sausage ?
- Yes.

- Not my penis ?
- No.

Thank heavens for that !
What can I tell you ? It's an absolute disaster !

I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark.

You put the sausage in the pan,
set it on fire, and what happens ?

It gets incinerated.

Maybe we should we eat our flakes ?

I see what you mean.

I think I'm getting double entendre disease !

Can I drink your juice ?

Yes, of course. Go ahead.
I think I'm going mad this morning !

Someone's giving our knocker
a damn good banging.

I'd better go and see who it is.

I'll grab my sausage
and give it a good seeing to !

Agh ! Richie ! There's three
small devils at the front door !

It's the drinking. You've got the DTs.
Have a Resolve. They're not there.

- Trick or treat, mister.
- What ?

Trick or treat, you bald-headed bastard.

I'm sorry, I don't speak Child.
What do you mean ?

- I mean give us some sweets.
- I can't give you sweets.

I'll get arrested ! Where's the camera ?

It'll have to be a trick, then.
Give it to him, Damian.

- Give me what ?
- Too late, weirdo !

- Aagh !
- He's got to stop the drinking !

Here we are. Seven eggs,
washing up liquid, hint of Domestos...

Jif Micro Liquid, where are you ?

Here I am !

Secret ingredient - ant spray.

That is the most violent
hallucination I've ever had.

Bloody hell, Eddie !
You'd better get this down you.

Up the nose or not at all !

This is gonna bloody well work !

God !

If we'd known it was Hallowe'en,
we could have made an absolute fortune !

- Eddie...
- Yeah ?

Why are you dressed as a banana ?

- They had no pumpkin outfits left.
- Then, you'll have to make pumpkin noises.

All right.

Whoo... Whoo... !

- Just be mute.
- A mute pumpkin or a mute banana ?

Shut up ! It doesn't matter !

This is the plan -
Richie and Eddie's big Hallowe'en party.

Plenty of booze and jugged-up babes.
Shaggy, shaggy, shag !

- That's it. What do you think ?
- Legendary ! Awesome ! Fiendish !

All right. Go easy on the praise.
I don't want to rip me tights !

Right. There's only one snag -
zero cash - hence the great outfits.

This is the plan. You go out. You go
to the first door. You ring the bell.

They answer. You say, "Trick or treat ?"

I thought I was mute.

All right. On this occasion,
you can be a talking Hallowe'en banana.

Okey-dokey ! What do I say ?

You say, "Trick or treat ? Just cash. No sweets !"

If they give us any trouble,
I blast them with the electric cattle prod.

Where is it, by the way ?

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-hahaha !

Here it is !

I say, Eddie. That looks the business.

- Does it work ?
- Yes, indeedy !

Yeah !

Yeah !

- How do you switch it on ?
- That little lever there.

Right, that's it. Decision made.
I'll have to wear the green tights now.

What a sweet old lady.

She was once we'd hit her
with a cricket bat.

- Still, "Honi soit qui mal y pense !"
- Whatever that means !

We made two apples out of it.

- Why are there razor blades in them ?
- It's a Hallowe'en tradition.

Here we are. Chief Mangosuthu
Buthelezi cul-de-sac !

They're loaded here. This is where we clean up !

It's a great night for it !

It's a pity we're out trick or treating.

I never listen to you.
That's what's keeping my morale up.

I thought you'd got
your tights on the wrong way round.

Top banter ! Let's go.

Crikey bikey, cork yer bum, Richie !
It's those kids that did me over this morning !

Let's smoke another pack of ciggies.

They're just little kids. I reckon
we could get a win out of this one !

- Come on !
- Yeah ! All for one and one for all !

- You go first. I've got a bad leg.
- OK.

Ugh !

It's going very well ! Keep watching.

Take that !

- How much did we get ?
- 20p off the incontinent girl.

Five bottles of Malibu off the banana.

Not bad !

Let that be a lesson to you !

They'll think twice before they att*ck us again !

Well, they know we haven't got any money left.

Little bastards ! Did you see me
hitting that really little one ?

No.

I'll make up a great story about it
and tell it when you're drunk.

On to our next victim !
Here we go. Ring the bell.

Hello, Eddie.

- Hello, Spudgun.
- Hello, Richie.

Yes, hello Are we going to do this or not ?

- But it's Spudgun !
- Just say it to him, Eddie !

- Trick or treat ?
- What does that mean ?

Give us some cash. No credit cards.

- Why ?
- Because it's the end of October.

- I don't understand.
- We haven't got all night !

We've got the whole street to do !

I've got my tights on, Eddie's
wearing a banana - just give us some cash !

Are you on dr*gs ? Can I have some ?

Right... We don't seem to be
getting through, do we ?

- Eddie...
- Yep ?

- Where's the cattle prod ?
- Here it is.

- Right. Give it to me.
- I beg your pardon ?

- I SAID GIVE IT TO ME !
- Righto !

Bear with me.

That's not how we rehearsed it, you know !

What I want to know is,
why when you say "Trick or treat",

he has to foul himself ?

I think it may be
a deep subconscious desire to amuse.

She's back !

It's got to work this time.
This is my last pair of tights.

I knew I should have bought the bumper pack !

- Eddie, hand me...
- Hand ?

HAND me the cattle prod ! Come on.
Let's do it properly. In, in !

I ring the bell. Open the door.
I say "Trick or treat ?"

- You give me the cash.
- I'm still not sure.

Get on with it, you great vat
of dripping ! Close the door !

- Trick or ruddy treat ?
- I thought that was MY line !

God ! Who'd be an eight-year-old ?
Are you going to give us some money or not ?

No.

How do you switch this bloody thing on ?

That little lever there.

Eddie, you know this is
my last pair of tights, don't you ?

Yeah, well, let's go this way.

As long as we head into the wind,
we'll be all right.

Eddie, if any of this ever gets out...

No, not that !

Come on. I've got to go home.

We've only made half a Curly Wurly,
two apples full of razor blades

and four summonses !

- That's not enough for a party !
- Are you having a party ?

- Can I come ?
- Yeah. We're having a party.

- You have to give some beer money.
- How much ?

Five grand.

It's a bit steep.

- How much have you got ?
- ?2.50.

You're in. Bring all your friends.
They have to chip in as well. ?2.50.

We're going to make a fortune out of this !

Let's find a supermarket trolley
and you can wheel me home.

Bloody cattle prod ! I don't know
how these cattle get about !

No wonder they all live in the country !

I can't see any more ! Mind if I go in front ?

How's the home brew coming along ?

It's only been on the go for 45 minutes,
so it must be nearly ready.

Not bad ! Is that bitter or lager ?

It's hard to tell,
but it's taking the enamel off the bath.

That reminds me.
Have you hollowed out your pumpkins ?

I beg your pardon ?

Oh, you mean the vegetable !
They didn't have any pumpkins left.

- They only had carrots.
- Have you hollowed them out ?

- Are they sh*t-your-pants scary ?
- Yes, indeedy.

Da-da-da !

Whoo ! Whoo !

Head butt !

It's not terribly scary, is it, Eddie ?

- Light the taper, Richie !
- Okey-dokey.

Not too close to the home brew.
It's a little on the volatile side !

Here we go.

Here goes.

I'd stand back if I were you.

Bloody brilliant, Eddie ! Yeah ! Got any more ?

Mais oui, mon brave !

- What ?
- Certainement, mon general !

Christ ! He's gone all Welsh on me again !

Have you got
any more exploding carrots ?

Certainly, monsieur !

Bloody hell, Eddie !

I've just got to finish
my Sprouts Mexicaine, and we're all set !

Sprouts Mexicaine ?

Sprouts Mexicaine !

What's that ?

Sprouts, pinch of chilli powder,

jar of curry powder, hint of Tabasco sauce...

Three bottles, actually. Not a hint,
more of a party political broadcast.

And the secret ingredient - gunpowder !

- Sprouts ?!
- They were left over from Christmas.

Da-da-da-da !

- But it's October !
- Yes, I know.

They were a bit frisky,
but the spices will cover any embarrassment !

It's ready !

There they are.

Fancy a taste, Eddie ?

I would rather cut off my penis
with a rusty bread Kn*fe.

Ooh, hark at Egon Ronay !
I'm not scared. Watch this !

What time is it ?

What place of man ?

- Eddie, how long was I out ?
- About an hour and a half.

What ? Crikey, look at the time.
They'll be here in a minute !

Here it comes !

Must get that clock fixed !

- Here they are ! I'll answer the door.

Strange.

What was that ?

Very warm in here, isn't it ?

I'll answer the door.
Man the ticket booth, Eddie !

Should I have a cap to show my authority ?

No. I'll just give 'em one of my looks !

Welcome one and welcome all !

Christ ! Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun !
I told you to bring your friends !

We only know Eddie, and he's here anyway.

- Come on. ?2.50 !
- I've only got eight pence.

I can't do the maths, but that means
you can only stay for 45 seconds ! Come in.

Anybody else want to come ?

Birds !

- Hello, Eddie.
- Hiya, boys. This is the devil's brew.

You didn't bring any lead tankards
with you, did you ?

- All the cups keep dissolving.
- No.

We'll have to use the pans, then.
There you go. Help yourself.

Cheers !

Ooh ! Cheeky little number !

That's it. It has a certain
robustness that demands attention.

Possibly medical.

Well, welcome to the shag-athon

Who's first for the snog, then ?

You'd think on Hallowe'en of all nights,
I might get a feel-up at least !

Oh, God, who'd be a Christian ?

I've only got to sell my soul to the devil

and I could get 25 years
of amazing sex and cash !

Richie, you'd be lucky to get 25p !

That's it ! It's perfect !

I'm going to raise the devil !

In actual fact, I haven't been
to church for years,

and when I did go, I found it rather boring !

- What will you do if he gets here ?
- Something satanic and devilly !

- Like trick or treating
- No ! Like...

- Watching "Emmerdale" !
- Yeah ! No, no !

- Taking him down the pub.
- No, no ! Something supremely evil.

Like blowing off in a phone booth
and running away ?

- Yes. That's much more the feel.
- What does the devil drink ?

- It's blood, isn't it ?
- Yeah. Virgin's blood.

No, no ! It's virgin GIRL'S blood !

Good. Sorted.

- Anyone know any virgin girls ?
- No.

- Anyone know any girls ?
- No.

Come on, Eddie. What about
Ethel Cardew, your paramour ?

She is neither a virgin

nor, technically speaking, a girl.

Besides which, she hasn't spoken
to me since the Superglue incident.

She hasn't spoken to anyone much, actually !

Shut up ! This is a bloody good idea !
We find out the secret incantation,

raise him up, swing the deal,
and I'll be shagging by half-past two !

Make a pentangle. I'll look up
the secret devil-raising incantation

in my "Ladybird Book of Witches" !

Look lively ! I'll buy you
all a drink after me first shag !

Anyone got any pens ?

I've got a pencil.

It'll have to be a penciltangle, then.

Come on ! You're supposed
to be devil-worshippers.

- You sound like you're watching QPR !
- Careful !

You couldn't raise a gnat's erection,
let alone the Prince of Darkness !

Put your backs into it !

Oh, blimey ! Oh, blimey ! Right, Eddie...

- Eddie !
- What is it ?

Have you got the chalice ?

No, it's just the way me dressing gown's
rucked up round me waist.

Why are we wearing dressing gowns ?
We look stupid !

They're not dressing gowns, anus,
they're cowls.

What kind of devil-worshippers are you ?

Ones that don't like dressing gowns.

- Do we get slippers ?
- Not when you're raising the evil one !

Never mind. I'll get the chalice meself !

- No, I'll go.
- Don't bother yourself.

I'll get it, but don't expect
to get any spare off me

when I've got 17 birds bouncing
up and down on top of me non-stop !

Right. Here we go.

Oh...

- Ohhh... !
- Ohh...

- O mighty one...
- Oh, blimey !

...we ask you to come up from, er...

...from wherever it is...

Unless someone else has called you up,
in which case, come across from there.

Come across. Pop across.

We show our dedication to your cause
by eating the sprouts of evil !

- Oh ! Spudgun !
- What ?

Dave Hedgehog.

- Eddie...
- Absolutely not !

And finally...

Cor blimey ! Here goes !

Where am I ?

I think we're in Kuwait.

- Are we in hell ?
- No, it's worse.

We're still in the flat !

- Where's the devil, then ?
- He'll turn up at midnight, won't he ?!

Why does he always come out at midnight ?

It's chucking out time, isn't it !

Shut up ! Look. Regard the clock.
Here it comes ! Here it comes !

- Bloody clock !

Agh !

- That'll be him !
- Hey, hey...

Speak of the devil

I don't want to hear any language
like that, young man !

And I don't want anyone saying,
"Hi ! Feeling horny ?"

This is the big one. This is Mr Scary Pants !

In 25 years, I'll probably have
no knob left from over-use !

So what's new ?

I'll go and let him in. Best behaviour, everyone !

No ! Worst behaviour, actually.
Start swearing and picking your noses !

God ! What a night to get a Guy Fawkes bottom !

Agh !

Good evening, O great one.

Hello. I'm looking for little Dave Hedgehog.

- What ?
- Dave Hedgehog.

Oh... ah... he's...

He's residing within
the drawing room, Your Blackness.

Would you like to come through ?

Did you have a nice journey up ?
Can I get you a glass of sherry ?

Sorry, Rich.

Well done, acolytes. You've made it
nice and homely for His Naughtiness !

Put that out, you arsehead.
We still owe on that !

Oh, look at me. What am I thinking of ?

O great, mighty evilness smell,
these are my acolytes...

- Don't have the sprouts.
- I've only just put that out !

And, acolytes, this is... I'm sorry.
How do you like to be called ?

Doreen.

This is... Doreen !

- There's evil !
- I've come for Dave Hedgehog. Is he here ?

He's hiding behind the home brew.

Dave ! Nemesis !

Agh ! That's me. I'm damned !
I didn't even want to go to a party !

All things bright and beautiful...

Yes, all right. Thank you.

A-hem. There is one bit
of outstanding business,

if I could just prey on your time
for a little longer.

What ?

Get him a drink of blood.
Use your own. It's 90% proof.

Right. If we could shut this deal down now.

What I'm looking for
is a 25-year full-on sex session,

obviously with lots of cash
and other comforts, in return for my soul.

Sorry ! Clench, everyone.
Try not to set fire to the evil one !

- Eddie, don't sneeze !
- A-choo !

There goes the conservatory.

Sorry, Hedgehog. Got a bit of a head cold.

- You've made a big mistake here.
- Yes, I used too much curry powder.

Mum sent me. She doesn't like Dad
being at the loony's after midnight.

- What ?
- I am Doreen Hedgehog.

What ?

Just getting you a drink, Mrs Devil !

Hello, Doreen. I didn't know you were the devil.

Neither did I.

Have you got any tips for the 3.30 at Chepstow ?

- Can we unclench now ?
- Yes. It's Doreen.

That's better !

I don't want to panic anyone,
but I'm rapidly losing conscious...

Here's another one.

- Mind the box of exploding carrots !
- What ?