01x04 - Apocalypse

[bunniefuu]

- Is it dead?



- Yeah.

Shall we fry it or poach it?



- I don't care as long as I get the head.



- This is the only food in the house?

Yes.

The rest is in the cistern.

We sit her down and she sees that we're so poor that we've had to k*ll Elvis just to give her something for her tea.

She's very fond of animals.

That's why you're here.

If that doesn't break her heart

- This will!

- No, Eddie!

- Let's just rumble the old bird!

- We've got gas and electric bills, poll tax and rent.

We have to get Auntie Olga to write us a big fat cheque.

I'll get her to bring all her chequebooks.

Daft cow brought a bunch of bananas last time! Spread the bills around so she sees one wherever she sits.

Operator, I'd like to make a reverse charges call, please.

Little Piddle, 3

-3

-8.

You know what to say when she gets here.

"Give us some money, you old bag!"

- No!

- Give us some money, you old witch?



- No!

- Old bastard?



- No!

- Git?

No! You say, "I am a sad orphan!" Right.

I am a sad orphan! Give us some money, you old bag! No, you prat! Hello, operator.

Not you! Tell them it's Richard Richard.

Yes.

Eddie, sprinkle some water about.

Make it look like we've been crying a lot.

They won't accept the charges?

! Bastards! I'll have to dial direct! What's this?

"Annual membership to Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"?

Nothing to do with me.

It has "Richard Richard" written on it.

"Leotard"?

None of us are getting any younger.

I just pop along every Wednesday and firm up.

You stand in a room full of girls jiggling their bottoms up and down and firm up?



- That's right.



- I bet you do Listen, you big fat c Hello, Auntie! It's Rickie

-Dickie

-Davey! Kissie, kissie, kissie, hug, hug, hug! Oh, it's you, Mrs Higginbottom, you sad old fart! Go and get my auntie.

What?

You're still a servant, aren't you?

Get that zimmer cracking! Shut up! I remember what I saw when I was four! You, the chauffeur, the bucket of fish! So go and get her.

I don't care if she's dead, just go and get Eddie, my auntie's dead! When did it happen?

Last night?

So they haven't read the will yet?

Look in the desk.

Search the body, then! I've got first dibs on those gold teeth! I'm a sad orphan! Give us your gold teeth, you old bitch! Shut up! This is a very difficult time for me.

Have you got it?

Great! What does it say?

Fantastic! Get the little duckling! That's right.

Blaze away, Eddie, blaze away.

We deserve a little celebration.

Auntie Olga is dead at last! 600 smackers to do whatever we like with! £300 here, and 300 on top of the bathroom cabinet where no one will ever find it! I'll have another 100 b*ll*ts.

Hold it.

That's 45 quid you owe me so far.

I haven't any money.

No need for that.

I'll get the 45 quid! I love you Romany types, with your legendary campfire hospitality and quaint insistence on settling bills immediately! Thieving bastard yobbos! Someone's swiped my wallet! A likely story! I want my 45 quid! Didn't you hear me?

I've just lost £300! I bet it was you that nicked it, you swarthy, thieving nomad! Either you or one of your slippery, deformed half

-brothers! Yes! I know what you get up to in the dark.

Extended family?

It's just another word for a sexual free

-for

-all! You're not in Romania now! I'm going to get a British policeman! You are going nowhere till I get my 45 quid! Eddie, help! Let me try for the 50 quid star prize, and we'll call it double or quits.



- All right.



- Good luck, Eddie.



- Excuse me, mate.



- Yeah?

Agh! 300 quid! Thieving bastard vagabonds! Cross my palm with silver!

- My God, there's another one!

- Cross my palm with silver! You lot have had enough off me, thank you!

- Then you must leave the tent.



- With pleasure! How's it look?

On a scale of one to ten, I'd say it's bicycle clip time.

Damn! All right, you old battle

-axe, read me my fortune.

First, you must cross my palm with silver! I've just had my wallet nicked! A fortune teller should know that!

- Cross my palm with silver!

- I've only got 5p left!

- That's not enough.



- Can't you criss

-cross it about?



- It's not enough!

- Just give me five pence worth.

You get it all from the "Evening Standard" anyway! For 5p, your future's gonna look pretty bleak, mate! Have you got a licence?

I bet you haven't! Give me a free fortune

-telling, or I'll tell the police and they'll deport you back to Umma

-Gumma Land! You'll end up making elephants from bits of dried banana! Yes, I have got a licence, unlike you.

Your driving licence is a fake! How do you know that?

Eddie, maybe the old crone's got something! Yeah.

Looks like dropsy.

At least my licence doesn't say "Martin Andrews" crossed out, and "Sir Richard Richard VC" crudely written over the top in biro!

- How do you know these things?



- I see everything!

- What else do you see?



- I see I see a naughty nudey picture of a little lady with Julia Somerville's face plastered on top of it! Bloody hell! That's my secret love picture that nobody knows about!

- She's a genius!

- Yeah! Ask her if there's a photo of Julia Somerville with her own body all nudey, and whether we can get a copy.

It would be worth a fortune! The crone might be worth a fortune! Tell me more, old bag! I cannot tell you more without more money!

- I haven't got any.



- Give me your watch.

All right.

There you are.

Om Ow

-om

- Before the moon rises three times

- Yes?

you're gonna die.



- What?

! You are going to die.



- No!

- The power is fading.

Let me have a look.



- The aura's dimming.



- What a swizz!

- What do you expect for 5p?



- And my watch!

- It's broken.



- She's a genius! Out the way! Out the way! Are you terminal?



- Come on! I want to see a doctor!

- Do you have an appointment?



- Of course!

- Name?



- Williams.



- Mr Williams

- Goodness, you are looking well!

- I like to put a brave face on it.

One doesn't like to wallow!

- And you've grown two new legs!

- Yeah, they're great It's another name that sounds like Williams.

There it is

- Henderson! I always get them mixed up! That's remarkable.

You d*ed at six o'clock this morning, and you've changed sex.

I haven't got an appointment.



- Why didn't you make one?



- I didn't expect to be ill.



- Unless it's an emergency

- It is! I only have three days to live!

- What's wrong?



- I don't know.



- How do you feel?



- Great! There are genuinely sick people here who need help.



- You're one of them!

- Come in a week next Friday.

So this is the land fit for heroes?

I suffered in the Falklands conflict for this?

!

- Did he?



- Yes.

He tripped over the coffee table trying to switch channels.

I pay my taxes! Well That's not important.

I demand to see a doctor! Are they all out flogging off the morphine?

I've got a dying woman in here.

Will you shut up?

You look perfectly well.

If I'd wanted a tr*nsv*stite's opinion, I'd have gone to the "Whisky

-A

-Go

-Go"! I'm Sir Roger Cobham OBE, the world

-famous heart surgeon.

This is my hospital.

You look perfectly well to me.

Shut up and get out! Thank God! Sorry I didn't recognise you.

I've got bad eyesight.

It's a Falklands w*r wound.

Sorry about that.

Thanks again, mate! Is there anything I can do to help?

Anything you want, just name it.

You want spare parts?

I've got Eddie right here.



- Anything you want, just name it.



- I want you to stop talking and leave! We're out of here.

Come on, Eddie.

You heard the man.

Come on Come on.

I know the NHS.

Have a quid.

Oh, I haven't got any money.

I'll owe it to you.

Thanks again, mate.

Thanks to you, too, dear.



- Should she really be that colour?



- GET OUT! There we are, Eddie.

See you all later! Thanks, dear.

You're doing a great job! A clean bill of health.

I knew the old crone was insane! Great.

The lift's working again.

It's so good to be alive! After you, old timer! Agh! God! That's terrible! That could have been me! That's what she meant.

I'm not ill.

I'm the picture of health.

An accident.

That's how it's gonna happen! The question is how?

Are you sure you don't want your sausages?

No.

I'm not taking any chances! Okey

-dokey, matey.

What was that apocalyptic clonk?

I didn't see anything.

Relax, old chum.

I'm on guard, remember?

I must be hallucinating.

Three days now with no food or water.

Still, I'm safe under the sofa.

I've only got to make it until the moon comes up, and then I'll eat.

There's two Taiwanese ranch

-style jumbo fish burgers in the freezer!

- You've had them.



- I haven't.



- You had them for lunch.



- I haven't eaten for three days! Obviously, YOU didn't eat them.

I ate them for you.

You made me test them for poison.

I've been testing everything.

I'm bloody knackered, I am! You're lucky to have such a good mate.

I tested the Indian take

-away, three pizzas, a bottle of scotch

- I had to test all of that.

I've totally tested out the drinks cabinet and the liqueur chocolates we'd saved for our anniversary.

Well, I'm starving! Has the moon come up yet?



- I can't see from here.



- Go and have a look!

- You go and have a look!

- I can't go near the window.

I might fall out, or the window might fall in! I can't go.

They might think I'm Sean Connery.

What?

You don't look a bit like Sean Connery! Hello.

My name's James Bond.

Not a lot of people know that.

Maybe death would be a blessed release! Zulus! Thousands of 'em! Wait till you see the whites of their eyes, lads.

They would have won if they'd kept their eyes closed! Not a lot of people know that.



- Eddie.



- What?

Here's 5p.

Shut up and go and see if the moon's come up! That's two things.

Here you are.

Swindler!

- What does it look like?



- It's hard to tell.

It's ever so glum and cloudy.

It's hard to tell whether it's day or night.

Shall I switch the telly on and see if it's evening?

Yes, go on, old sport.

Well, it could be any time, really! Blast that vicious old gypsy slag wagon! I've been stuck under this sofa for three days, and nothing's happened.

I'm fed up with it.

I'm going to the lavvy once and for all! I'm not scared of any silly mumbo

-jumbo.

I'm going to stare fate right in the face! Oh, God! It's true! Did you see that, Eddie?

You see?

It could come from anywhere! Should the ceiling be sagging like that?



- What's up there?



- My piano.

That's dangerous.

That shouldn't be up there.

Go and shift it.



- It'll cost you.



- All right.

A 20p bit is sellotaped to the bottom of the cistern.

Righty

-o.

Hurry up! Running all the way.

Bastard! Oh, Lord You won't know me, but my name's Richard Richard.

You won't know me because I've led such a quiet and blameless life, apart from that incident with the oven

-ready chicken! I have already apologised about that.

I don't know if you remember.

Anyway, we haven't got much time.

I was wondering if I could do a little deal with you, because I don't deserve any of this, but I know somebody who does Eddie, that chap who just went out.

He's a foul pervert and a dole scrounger.

Stop piddling around and move it, you bastard! No, not you, sir! Our Lord! I was talking to Eddie

- the evil one! If you could see your way clear to murdering him horribly instead of me, then I promise I mean it.

I haven't got my fingers crossed.

I promise to go to church for the rest of my life.

You still do that thing with the wine and the biscuits?

Great.

Thank you for your time.

One other thing, Lord, if you're still there Seeing as how I'm going to live, it's about girls Shut up, Eddie! I was wondering if I could have a few more.

Shut up! Well, just one once.

Right.

That's it! Edward h*tler, come down here at once!

- It's you!

- Well, who do you expect it to be?

You're the one! You're the one who said, "Let's go to the fair.

" You're the one who sh*t the thug in the eye and said, "Let's hide in the gypsy's tent" where I got the curse! Then, on the third night, you drop a piano on my head! You bastard! You're after Auntie Olga's 300 quid, aren't you?

I've got news for you! You're out of here! You're history! How could you treat a friend so badly?

I'd never do anything like that! Get out of here before I set the dogs on you!

- We haven't got any dogs.



- It was a figure of speech! Get out! And good riddance! My poker! Safe at last! I'll just pop into bed with my hottie bottie.

Where's my bedside book?

Here we are.

"w*r and Peace".

We've been at it a few years now, haven't we, old mate?

Where was I?

Chapter one, sentence three.

Here we go again.

Where's the dictionary?

I'll never find out who did it! I'll be lucky to find out what they did! That's enough reading for one night! I'm tired.

Good for the soul, though, a bit of reading.

No doubt about that.

I'm all relaxed now.

That's nice.

I think I mightNo, I'll just go to sleep.

Nighty

-night, world.

God bless me.

See you in the morning

- not too early! I wonder what happened to my mum?

Ah, well.

Hey

-ho! No No.

It's bloody Eddie! It's bloody Eddie sneaking in to get me when I switch the lights out! I've a surprise for him! My cricket bat! Come in! Are you?

Have you come for?

No! Oh, my God, the moon's up! Oh, my God! She was right! Oh, my God! Jesus H.

Corbett! I mean, Christ! This can't be happening to me! Let's be English about this.

This is a private house! If you don't clear off my property immediately, I shall call the police! OK, point taken.

So this is it, is it?

I haven't got time.

I'm not ready! Have I got time to change?

I can't go up there in my jimmy

-jams! What would St Pete think?

They do call him St Pete?

First impressions are terribly important.

Unless Which way am I going, up or?

Agh! Wait! What about chess?

What about it?



- Why don't we play a game of chess?



- Because I don't know the rules! That's all right.

I'll teach you the rules.

You won't need rules where you're going, mate! You'll need asbestos underpants, 'cause you're going downstairs! Ooh, the moans, the screams! Ooh, the countless billions thrown naked into the pit! Naked?

Phwoar! Wait! What about "Cluedo"?

They tried it once, but all the pieces caught fire.

Why don't we play "Cluedo" for my life?

Because you always cheat! You always look at the mystery cards!

- How do you know these things?



- I'm Death! Sorry.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?

No, I'm Death! I'm Death! If only Eddie were here! Yeah! Eddie was pretty great at everything, wasn't he?

He ponged.

It would have sent you round the twist.

That's it, mate.

Your time's up! No, please! Give me one more chance! "I Spy"! Hmm

- OK.



- If I win, I get to live, OK?



- Okey

-dokey, matey!

- Pardon?

I mean, all right, mortal! No, it's not possible.

OK, "I Spy" it is.

God, this is important.

I'd better make it a goodie! OK, coming, ready or not.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with "S"!

- Submarine.



- No! It was scythe! Ha, ha! I win! I get to live! Thank you, baby Jesus! Thank you, all the baby Jesuses! Hang on! Scythe doesn't begin with an "S".



- It does!

- It's a "C"!

- It's not!

- It is! Get a dictionary! All right.

I've got one here.

"Scythe" There you are.

"Scythe"! S

-C

-Y

-T

-H

-E! That's "Sither".

It's "Scythe"! It's in the dictionary.

Jesus wrote this! All right, then, mortal, I can see you're eager to keep your life.

How's about I offer you a straight deal?

No problem.

Great! How much money have you got?

None.

What about the 300 quid on top of the bathroom cabinet?



- How do you know about that?



- I told you.

I'm Death.

I know everything!

- What, even about the?



- Especially that, you naughty boy! OK, I'll get the money.

Just don't tell anybody! Wait right here! Here we are.

So I give you the 300, and I get to keep my life, OK?

Not quite.

The full deal is this.

I get to keep the £300, and your fantastic mate, Eddie, lives here rent free for the rest of his life! OK.

It's a deal.

And I'll have that "Girlie World" that's under your mattress.

Or you'll burn in the fires of hell! All right.

Bye! Is that everything now?

That's it, mate.

Cheerio! Ha, ha, ha! 300 quid and a copy of "Girlie World"! Ooh! Blimey, I've broken me stilts! You total bastard! How do you know about my secret copy of "Girlie World"?

You're getting a knuckle sandwich, and I don't mean a sandwich with knuckles in it! Well, I do, actually.

You're gonna get a smash in the chops and no questions answered! Who can that be at this time of night?

I'm not expecting anyone.



- Maybe it's the real Death!

- That'd be a turn up! You fight him to the death.



- I'll slip down the fire escape.



- Too late.

Sir Richard Richard Esquire?



- That's him!

- I've got your wallet.

That'll be me! How very honest of you.

You Romany types are as generous as the day is All the credit cards have expired, the driving licence is a forgery, and apart from the nudey collage of Julia Somerville, it's of no use to me, rather like my eye! So that's how she knew all those things! How much money have you got in the house?



- None.



- What about that £300 I heard about that you've got safely ensconced on top of the bathroom cabinet?



- It's not there any more.



- I'll have this, then! That should cover the £300 to get my eye fixed.

I'll have that copy of "Girlie World" an' all! Wise choice, sir.

Seeing as you're here, would you like to kick Eddie in the bollocks?

I don't mind if I do.

Thank you very much!