02x01 - Digger

[bunniefuu]

Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting.

Which one of you is Mr h*tler?

That'll be me.

Any relation?

Well, I've got a mother.

No, no, I meant Adolf h*tler.

Yes, that's her.

How interesting.

Come through to the office.

Shut up! Ooh! We'll start with a little look at your videos, all right?

Can you see all right?

No, that's why I wear glasses.

I've got excellent eyesight! Which is remarkable when you think about it! Right.

Here comes the first video.

Is it on?

Here we go.

Smooth, suave and sophisticated! You've got it! Hello, girls! Eddie h*tler here! Come and get it! Yep, that ought to do it! Now, what sort of woman are you looking for?

Kim Basinger.

Right.

A woman like Kim Basinger.

No, Kim Basinger.

The real one.

I'm afraid she's not on our books.

Well, it's not much of a love bureau, is it?

Well, shall we look at yours, then, Mr Richard?

What, here in the office?

That's a bit thorough, isn't it?

No, no, no! I meant your video.

Sorry! I'm new to this game.

I had loads of birds, but there was a coach crash last week and I lost 40 of 'em.

Well, let's just have a look at the tape, then, shall we?

Do we have to?

It's awful! I hate it! Let's just skip the whole thing! You'd do.

You're a bit raggy around the edges but beggars can't be choosers.

Did I tell you that's a smashing blouse you've got on?



- No.



- That's a smashing blouse you've got on!

- Oh, yes?



- Er er Help me out.

I've exhausted all me chat

-up lines.

Why don't we just watch the video?



- Yes, of course.

What are we waiting for?



- Here it is, then.

Hello.

Hello.

Er Lovely weather.

I can't see you, obviously, but I bet you've all got smashing blouses on.

My name's Richard, and I'm looking for a friend.

Well, a lover really.

Failing that, a quick wriggle would do.

And by the way, I am the Duke of Kidderminster and extremely rich! Oh! I didn't realise you were nobility! Nor did I! Oh, yes, I am an eccentric millionaire, you know.

I'm so inbred, I'm a bit stupid.

We've been inbreeding since the Vikings.

There's no one loopier than the Richards! Bottom fish bananas! Et cetera! Well, let's have a look at your forms, then, shall we?

I see.

You want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with, and a wazzo pair of jugs?



- That's right.



- But obviously, we're flexible.



- But not about the jugs.



- We have to be firm on the jugs.

And the jugs have to be very firm.

Oh, come off it, Eddie, there must be more to life than jugs! What?

You're right.

A wazzo pair of jugs it is! Right, well, I've inputted your data.

Ooh! And I think we've come up with the perfect date.

Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, 3rd Viscomptness of Moldavia! Sounds great! We'll have half a dozen! Shut up, Eddie.

She sounds marvellous! In fact, oh, I'm in love.



- I'll take her!

- There's her phone number, and the very best of luck! Thank you very much indeed.

And what have you got for me?

Um Sarah Ferguson! Do you mind?

I'm a respectable man! Come, Richie, let us leave while we still have our dignity.

Sarah Ferguson indeed! That'll just have to do.



- Now, your name's Jives, got that?



- Jives.

You take her coat, curtsy and say, "Charming evening, ma

-a

-a'am.

" Why have I got to say "ma

-a

-a'am?

" It's just a speech impediment that all butlers have.

Come on! This evening's cost me a lot of money! I had to sell a kidney to pay for this stuff, so don't mess it up! I'll soon get another kidney once I've sold off a bit of her property.

Well, I offered them mine.

Well, they're not much use pickled, are they?

Mind you, Sarsons were interested.

I still say we should mug her.

Don't worry.

I know what I'm doing.

I've got aristocratic blood in me.

They all give blood and I've had loads of transfusions, so the chances are I've got a lot of nob in me.

I really think this is the one.

Even on the phone, there was an immediate sexual tension.

What, you mean you felt horny and she felt tense?

Yeah! No! Oh, shut up, Eddie! You're just jealous because you're only a servant.

Were you never in love?

Yes, I was actually.

Oh! What was her name?

Harry.

Harry?

Harry Belafonte.

Wait a minute.

You were in love with Harry Belafonte?

Well, that's what she said her name was.

She shouted it over her shoulder as she ran away into the night.

Well, let's just forget it, shall we?

That's what SHE said! Look, let's just drop it! She said that as well! Edward h*tler, I'm really not interested! This is uncanny! Were you there?

Oh, God, she's here! Oh, oh, oh, oh! I'm shaking like a leaf! I need a stiff one! There'll be plenty of time for that later.

Shall I answer the door?



- No, I mean a drink, you fool!

- Oh, right! Thanks, Eddie.

Phew! Whoo! That's the stuff! What was it?

Tizer.



- Well, it does the trick! I'll have another.



- No, steady on, Richie.



- All right! Take it easy, you bitch! I mean, Your Bitchness.

I mean, Lady Bitch.

Oh, God! What do you call them?

Jugs.

What do you call them?



- Go and answer the door, all right?



- Right you are, ma

-a

-a'am.

I despair! I really do! I'd better prepare myself to receive her! Charming evening, Your Ma

-a

-a'am.



- What are you doing?



- Taking your coat.



- I don't want you to take my coat!

- I'm under strict instructions not to let anyone in with their coats on!

- Look, do you wanna come in or not?



- No! I'm collecting for the needy.

This is for Victims of Domestic v*olence.

Ta very much! That looks like a nasty one.

Have some yourself, dearie! Good evening, my dear.

What a charming blouse you've got on!

- Where is she?

!

- False alarm.

It was a do

-gooder.



- Great! How much did you make?



- Looks like about ten quid.



- Oh, great!

- Ooh, and a bit of a coat! Put it with the other bits.

You know what they say,

- "Charity begins at home!"

- It's where it ends in our house! Wait, wait, wait, wait! What is this?

You haven't even cleaned these bowls out! This is disgusting! Do I have to do everything myself?

What is this stuff?

That's the caviar.



- What?



- 200 quids' worth.

That's about half a kidney.

Oh, yes, so it is.

They've changed the design a little bit, haven't they?

Very novel and interesting.

That'll do.

Have you strained your vegetables?

No, it's just these hired trousers are a bit tight.

Get on with it! You haven't even mashed the potatoes! Where's the potato masher?

Harry "I'll do anything for half a pint" Grundy has it.

Has he still got it?

Yeah, they couldn't get it out of him at the hospital.



- Well, just use your head.



- What do you mean?

This.

Ahem! Good evening.

I am Natasha.

I'm sorry I'm late, but there was a dead body on the stairs.

You must be the Duke of Kidderminster.



- They told me you were loopy.



- No, no, no No, my dear, I am His Dukeness.

This is merely Jives, my batman.

That's right.

I'm Bruce Wayne.

Come on, Eddie, do your stuff.

Charming evening, Your Ma

-a

-a'am! Get off! Get off! She's mine! Get back to the kitchen! It's so nice to meet genuine aristocracy for a change.

There are so many fakers! Yes, you're not wrong there, m'dear.

Come through to the polo lounge.

Polo?

Thank you.



- Charming flat!

- Do you think so?

Oh, this is just my London pomme de terre.

My castles are scattered all over the place because I never know where I'll be.

Bloody fox hunts go on for ever

- don't know where you're going to end up! Start off in Berk

-shire, end up in Twatshire! Would madam care for a HORS d'oeuvre?

Don't be so foul! Get back to your kitchen! Ha, ha, ha! Yes, we only have the one castle in Moldavia, too.

But, oh But, oh, oh, oh But, but, oh Natasha, you are so beautiful! And, if I may say so, what a charming, smashing blouse you have on.



- It's a dress.



- What?

Oh, sh Well, er Eddie Jives!

- Yes, sir?



- What did Shakespeare used to say?

"Hello, my dear, I'm a playwright, you know.

Give us a snog!" No, Eddie! "Where's my quill?

Bloody hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?

!" Ha, ha, ha! No, really, what was it he used to say?

"It's not crap! There's eight bodies at the end and he has to shag his mum!" It's on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, who cares what he said!

- The git's dead anyway!

- He said that, did he?

Yes, he did, actually.

Henry the 19th, act four, scene 38.

A

-hem! Dinner is served! Eddie, are you mad?

We're not at the table yet! Hurry or he'll wolf the lot! Squashed potatoes?

Very possibly, Eddie, I just sat down too fast.

Squashed potatoes, ma

-a

-a'am?

Oh, how deliciously aristocratically eccentric! I love peasant food! Jives Jives! JIVES! Eddie!

- Yes?



- Have you opened the wine yet?



- Yes, I have.



- Where is it?

I opened it ages ago.

Where do you think it is?

Hic! Oh! And caviar! Yes! This really is high

-class, swanky time.

Caviar! I love this stuff! Eddie! What actually is caviar?

It's fish poo, Your Highness.



- It's what?

!

- It's fish poo, Your Dukeness.

It comes out of a very expensive fish's bottom.

I knew the aristocracy were depraved but I didn't think it had got this far.

What's for dessert, peacock's vomit?

Pork?

Eddie, how dare you?

She is my fiancee! I was only asking her if she wanted a portion! Excuse us a moment Eddie! Let that be a lesson This isn't right! Don't let it happen again! And let that be a lesson to you! That was delicious! Oh, you've eaten everything.

Well done! That's very brave.

In that case, it's time to Oh Natasha That IS your name, isn't it?

Yes.

Oh, Natasha, I know it's a bit sudden, but I love you.

I love you with all my heart and all my soul and all my, you know everything.

I know it's mad and it's crazy, and I know it's wild even, but will you marry me?



- Yes.



- You don't have to be like that Pardon?

! Of course I will marry you, but not because all my family's assets have been wiped out in the civil w*r in Moldavia and we are now penniless! Never mind about all that now.

Did you just say yes?



- Yes.



- Oh! Er Natasha do you believe in sex before marriage?

Yes.

Would you Would you practise it?

Yes, I would.

Would you sign something to that effect?

Just an informal agreement, but legally binding, obviously.

Sure.

Bloody hell! Eddie, I think I must be hallucinating! Well, we'll soon find out.

Now, did that hurt?



- Yes, mightily.



- Then you're not hallucinating.

Oh, God! God, it's actually true! Tonight's the night! I'm actually gonna Oh, God, it's so romantic! You did definitely say the two of us are definitely going to do it?

Of course, my darling dreamboat.

Why, haven't you done it before?

No, never.

I mean, yes! Of course! I do it all the time! I've already had it off 20 times today! Have it off, have it off

- that's all I do! Are we going to have it off again?

All right, then.

I'd better nip upstairs and slip into something more comfortable.

Upstairs, second door on the right.

Knock first so you don't catch me in my pants.

You'll soon see everything, so it doesn't matter.

I'll get it out now! No, Richie, don't spoil the atmos! You're right, Eddie, I've got to think more romantic.

I'll just pop upstairs and scrape off the sheets.

See you in a mo.

In a SEX mo! This isn't some sort of joke, is it?

No, my love.

It is the real thing.

A bientôt! Bloody hell

- a bien toe! Saucy bitch! Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

To marry that, you'd have to be clinically insane or on the make! Now, then which is it?

If you're just here to emotionally cr*pple Richie, then that's perfectly OK with me.

I have to marry the first stupidly wealthy aristocrat I can find or my whole family will be impoverished for ever, and I so hate poor people! Well if that's the case, I've a few quid flying about the place, you know.

See?

And if it's stupidity you want, no one's more stupid than the Hitlers! I am tempted, Eddie, but I am already betrothed to another, but if anything should happen to Richie, I will be onto you and up your trouser leg like a whippet! Where did I put that sex manual?

Might as well get some practice in before she gets here.

Here we go.

Page one.

"For

-re

-play.

" Here we go.

15 minutes.

Not much in it for me, is there?

Must be a misprint.

Must mean seconds! Right, that's that Bloody hell! Things are hotting up now! I don't think I've got time to grow a beard.

Hang on that's not a beard! "Ugh! I hope he's cleaned his teeth! Right, here we go, then.

One leg there, and her leg around here Richie, my darling, are you ready yet?

Er, hang on a moment, I think I've got to change my pyjama bottoms! What?

Oh, you silly boy, you won't need pyjamas, my darling, not unless you want to tie me up! I'm sorry, I've forgotten how to talk! Come in.

Come in.

Oh! This is a very sexy room! I bet you've been naughty in here a few times! You're not wrong there.

Swearing, doodling on the walls, flicking the Vs out of the window more times than I care to remember! And are you going to be naughty now?

Medically, the chances are against it.

I thought that we could just sit and chat for a couple of hours and Eskimos are very interesting people, aren't they?

I've always thought it fortunate that there isn't an animal called an "ig", because he'd go to the toilet in their houses.

Have you ever thought that?

Apparently not.

We're going to have to put some practice in! Your tongue slipped into my mouth just then! Unzip me! Come on, come on! Come on, then, big boy.

Who?

Where?

Oh! It was a joke! Come on! I want you! This is it! It's going to happen! It's a very pretty colour, this ambulance! Hey That was a bit of a close thing, wasn't it, Richie?

You're telling me! I was within two feet of it.

She was lying in my bed completely naked, saying, "Come on, Richie, do it to me.

"

- Tell you what, Eddie

- What?



- I reckon I could have had her.



- Really?

If my stupid ticker hadn't given out, she could have had my cherry.

Well, don't you worry, Richie, she was crap anyway.

What?

Yeah, well we got bored waiting for the ambulance to turn up.

Can you believe it?

Five hours! I was totally exhausted! What?

! And by the way, it wasn't your heart, no.

You know that cheap surgeon I arranged for the kidney job?

- Yeah.

- Apparently, he wired your kidney and your bladder back to front and the whole system backfired.

- Eddie.

- What?

- Pass the heart resuscitator.

- All right, then.

There you go.

Feeling poorly again, are you?

No, you are!