01x08 - Truth in Dating

[bunniefuu]

Okay, book
-busters, let's move it, let's hit it, let's do it.


- You got everything? Gym shorts?
- Check.


- Homework?
- Check.

Science project?
- Samantha?
- Don't worry, Dad, I've got everything.

Books, lunch money, and homework.

Check, check, check.

Ice skates for Marci's party?
- You got me.


- That's why I have this.

We'd better go.

That film studio's all the way in Brooklyn.

Your carriage awaits, but do you have everything? You bet I do.

I have the most important new account in my career.

I have Lankershim Cosmetics and I have the client eating out of my hand.


- Do you have your portfolio?
- I don't have that.

Sweetheart, isn't that a wonderfuI prehistoric thing.

Have a good day in schooI.

Bye.

Well, I'm all ready.

Okay, here's your lunch money, buddy.

Remember, if you talk science, keep that receipt.

It's a write
-off, all right? And I hope they really like your little volcano.

Yeah, for show
-and
-tell he's gonna sacrifice a Barbie doll.

Give me a kiss.


- All right, be good in schooI.


- Okay, bye.


- Hi, Mona.

How you doing?
- Hi, short people.

Mona? Mona, Mona
- No, I don't see you on my list.


- No? Well now I'm on it, right next to "take out trash.

" That's not "trash," that's "Trish," but you're close.

Well, so today's the big day, huh? Lights, camera, action.

Hello, Mother.

You can't go with me.

Angela, do you think that that's why I'm here? Why can't I go with you? Because presidents of advertising agencies don't take their mommies to work with them.

Well, don't think of me as your mommy.

Think of me as a stockholder.

I just invested in Lankershim Cosmetics.

Mother, how sweet.

You have that much faith in my deodorant campaign? No.

Advertising campaigns come and go but sweat is forever.

Come on, Angela.

Let her go.

We won't get in the way.


- We?
- Yes.

You won't even know we're there.

Look at this, look at this.

A movie studio.

I can feeI the magic in the air.

Hey, look.

They make it look just like a reaI bathroom.

It's clean, it's clean.

It's not very private, but it's clean.

Angela, don't worry about a thing.

We're gonna stay out of the way over here in a corner so go over there and act important.

Make a decision.

I already made one, but you came anyway.

She's the president, you know.

You wouldn't have a job without her.

I'm a lucky guy.

Who are these people? Herb, this is my mother, Mona Robinson.

Oh, your mother? Without you I wouldn't have a job.

And my housekeeper, Tony Micelli.


- Hey, how are you doing?
- Housekeeper? You know, you could call me the maid but I wouldn't.

No, housekeeper's my first choice.

How about those Jets, huh? Best behaviour, you two.

This is the client.


- Mr.

Larson, good morning.


- Hello, Angela.

Well, today's the day we make a household word out of Machismo Scented Seven
-Day Deodorant Shower GeI.

I like the way you think.

And you must be our Machismo Man.

Oh, no, no.

This is Tony Micelli.


- He's
-
- Perfect.

Thank you.

He's my housekeeper, Mr.

Larson.

We have an actor, Lance Wetherby.

He's in makeup.

Go tell Wetherby to take the curlers out and go home.

This man has that Machismo look.

You bet he does.


- Who are you?
- I'm his agent, "Swifty" Robinson.

Smile, Tony.

I think you're about to be discovered.

Wait a minute.

You mean they want me to be in the commerciaI? Yeah.

Flex.

I'll work out the negotiations.


- We're almost ready to roll here.


- J.

J.

, we've had a little change here.

Tony Micelli is going to be our Machismo Man.

I am? I'm gonna be the Machismo Man.

Mr.

Larson, Tony is not an actor.

Wait a minute.

I was a cameI in my third
-grade Christmas play.

Vivian Lordasino was the other hump.

I'm sure you were great, bubele, but this is the big time.


- Listen, J.

J.

?
- Yeah? Did Angela tell me you did that commerciaI on YouthfuI You fade cream? Yeah, that won me a Clio award.

Well, I'm sure if you can work with dancing liver spots you can work with Tony.

Work with him, J.

J.

Work with me, J.

J.

Okay, take your shirt off, bubele.

Just a minute.

Keep your shirt on.

Mr.

Larson, are you sure
-? Angela, I like an agency that goes for the unexpected that's willing to take chances.

Like I said, bubele, take your shirt off.

Okay, Tony, babe, this is just a rehearsaI now, okay? You're in the shower.

You're really feeling good.

You know you're not gonna smell for a week, okay? You do your spieI with the product, you get out, you toweI off
- then we're in the arms of your lady.


- What lady? And they pay you too? Yeah.

Ginger, honey.

Okay, now, you come in, you see him.

He's wet.

He's sexy.

He's really smelling good.

For a week.

I'll do the jokes, babe.

Now, you get one whiff and you lose controI.


- Okay? Okay.


- Okay.

Here we go.

That's great.

That's great, sweetheart.

Nuzzle his ear, nuzzle his ear.

Oh, you
- You nuzzle great.

Yeah, well you move your hand one more inch and they're gonna be calling you Van Gogh.

That's great.

That's great.

Now, Ginger, honey
- Now, let's have your line.

I like it too.

Perfect.

Okay, from the top.

Places.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Get your robe off.

Attaboy.

Here we go.

Okay.

All right.

Let's see some suds, Tony.


- Hey, what the
-?
- Come on.


- Now, Tony
- Yeah? just act naturaI.

Do whatever it is you do in the shower.


- Anything I do?
- Yeah.


- Except sing.

No singing.


- I don't do singing.


- You want a donut, Angela?
- Don't talk to me.

Well, that's gratitude for you.

I mean, I brought you your new star.

You're gonna change your tune when we're packing for the Love Boat.

Bon voyage, Mother.

Okay, just read what you see on the cue cards.


- Okay? Okay.


- Okay.

Here we go.

Ready? And action.

Sure you probably shower every day but even if you didn't, no one would know not if
- Not if you use new Machismo Scented Seven
-Days Deodorant Shower GeI.

That's protection.

Cut.

Excuse me.

I have to go and call my broker and dump some stock.


- Tony?
- Yeah? What's this face? What is that? What? Are you in pain? Bathing suit a little tight? Okay.

Okay.

Let's try it again loose naturaI.

Okay.

Okay.

That's it.


- Loose.


- Okay.

Let's pick it up from there.

Loose, man.

So no matter how hot and sweaty I get I know I'm covered with Machismo.

I like it too.

Okay, cut.

That's lunch.

Bernie, get me out of Lankershim Cosmetics.

I don't care what E.

F.

Hutton says.

When Mona talks, you listen.


- So, Angela, how was I?
- Looser.

Much looser.

Somehow, I don't think we captured your quiet brilliance.

Quiet brilliance?
- J.

J.


- Yeah? Can I have a word with you? I think I have an idea.

My man uses Machismo Scented Seven
-Day Deodorant Shower GeI.

So I know no matter how hard he works or no matter how hot and sweaty he gets I know my man's covered with Machismo.

I like it too.

Okay, cut.

That's perfect.

That's a wrap.

We'll do product and stills tomorrow.


- BeautifuI.


- Angela, if sex sells soap and we know it does, we're gonna clean up.

We're gonna get sh*t in the fanny with nickels.

I can hardly wait.

Hello, Bernie? Put everything I've got into Lankershim Cosmetics.

Yeah.

Buy, buy, buy.

Bye.

Oh, boy.

Dad, tell us about the commerciaI.

All right, sit down, sit down.

Well, there's really not much to tell.

AII I had to do was take a shower and I got plenty of practice doing that in the minor leagues.

Tony, don't be modest.

Your dad was terrific.

I mean, when he lathered up, I got goose flesh.

Well, you know, I did do some pretty interesting things with them bubbles.

Dad, what are you doing? You look like you need a flea collar.

I need something, man.

I've got this itch.

Scratch over there.

Scratch lower.

You, higher.

Higher, higher.

Higher.

Scratch.


- What is it?
- Tony you've got a terrible rash.


- Look at this.

I'm burning up.


- Dad, what's wrong?
- Oh, my God.


- Tony, what if it's from the Machismo?
- You don't think
- What else? Boy, am I glad I wore that little bathing suit.


- Here, is this good?
- Lower, lower, lower.

Hello.

I'm home.

We're in the kitchen.

Hello, wonderfuI people.

I love my life.


- Have a nice day at the office, dear?
- Sublime.

Tony, you were great.

I don't know what you've got, but it's something.

And I have a feeling you haven't even scratched the surface yet.

Yeah, well, I'm glad it worked out, Angela, but
- Worked out? Machismo Man speak truth.

We are finally in solid with Lankershim Cosmetics.

Yeah, well, that's good, because What is going
-? What is going on here?
- Man.


- Angela, you may have noticed that there's something a little different about Tony.

Do you know that expression, " into each life a little rain must fall"? Yeah? Well, get out your galoshes.

We're talking monsoon here.

Angela, I've got a rash all over my body, everyplace.

Look at this.

All over your body? Well, except for where the little bathing suit was.

Angela.

Tony.

My stars are here.

Wait till you see the stuff we sh*t yesterday.

SensationaI.

That's nice, but, Mr.

Larson I have something to tell you that's a little painfuI for me.


- PainfuI for you?
- Well, what's the problem? Show him, Tony.

That's a bad rash.

Yeah, and he's got it all over his body not that I've seen it.

You see, the thing is, I got this from that Machismo gunk.


- What makes you say that?
- Well, I sent the gunk to a lab and I had it analyzed.

And they say that we can expect this result in two percent of the people who use it.


- Good.


- Good? Our fellas said three percent.

Let's go with your numbers.

Hey, wait a minute.

You saying you knew about this? Mr.

Larson, I know that there are some considerable risks with these products.

But I'm a little uncomfortable with this.

I may have to resign the account.

Yeah, me too.

I'm hanging up my toweI.

Oh, now, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Aren't the two of you overreacting? Why, even God makes products that are bad for some people.

If my cousin Susie even looks at seafood she swells up like a blowfish.

But you don't see God recalling shrimp.

Yeah, Mr.

Larson, that's true, but this stuff could irritate a lot of people.

So can Joan Rivers, but she keeps working and so do we.

We keep trying to improve our product.

And, Angela, you just keep doing the advertising.

And by the way, you're doing a damn fine job.

Well, thank you.

And you know, Lankershim has a lot of other products that I'd like to get your thoughts on.

I'd love to see how you would handle a really big account.

How big? Our dandruff shampoo.

That big.

You add that to Machismo and we're talking $10 million.

Maybe we could have lunch.

Hey, $10 million for dandruff? That's a lot of flaky people, huh? And we're gonna take care of your problem, Tony.

You are? Sure.

Next commerciaI we're gonna use a phoney geI.

Then I gotta say I'm using something I'm not.

Well, we could have another actor collect all those residuals.

Three, $4000 a month.

Gee, I could finally junk that old van.

I think you ought to sleep on it, Tony.

I could get myself a convertible.

I'd hate to see you throw all this away just because of a little itch.

That would be a rash decision.

"This was the kind of woman you fantasize about.

Only this was no fantasy.

She was six feet tall and all girI.

She slithered toward me, her size
-36 gown was hugging her size
-38 body.

Well, it was easy to see she wasn't concealing a w*apon.

" Oh, gosh, there's the car.

Look, if anybody asks, you've been asleep an hour and a half and I read to you from The Hardy Boys.

Now, b*at it.


- Thanks, Grandma.


- Good night, Mona.

Oh, and we won't mention the hot fudge sundaes either.

Amo, amas, amamos.

Amamos? Hello, Mother.


- Are the kids asleep?
- Oh, yes, for hours.

So how did it go with Mr.

Larson?
- Oh, fine.


- Fine, fine.

You know, fine.

Actually, pretty good.

Yeah, he gave her dandruff.

The account.

You mean, instead of the Machismo account? Well, no, I'll kind of be working on both of them.

Didn't you show him the rash? Well, you know, what was left of it.

It's clearing up fast.

As soon as my legs, my stomach, and my back clear up, it's gone.

And my arms.

I see.

So he is not taking it off the market? No, not exactly.

He's improving it.

Yeah, which is more than God's doing.

He's not doing a thing about shrimp.

Shrimp? I smell something fishy.

What do you mean?
- You both sold out.


- We did not.

The dandruff account is just a little bonus.

Yeah, right.

And Tony's little bonus is parked out back in the driveway.


- What?
- Here.

He bought me a car.

He bought me a car.

It's red.

It's gorgeous.

It's mine.

Leather seats.

Five on the floor.

AM
-FM.

The clock works.

Baby, this is love.

And it's not just a physicaI thing.

Angela, look at this.

Angela? Angela, where are you? Angela, don't you want to see it? Angela, this ain't a bribe.

It's a bonus.

It's just like your dandruff account.

It's a bonus.

You're right, it's just like my dandruff account.

No.

No, it's not.

That's not what I meant.


- No, no, no.


- Yes, yes, yes.


- No.


- Yes.

Yes? Oh, no.

I'll call Mr.

Larson and resign the account in the morning.

And I'll give back the car.

You're doing the right thing.

Don't rub it in.

Well, honesty is the best policy.

I mean, even if nobody else in the whole world knows it you'll know it.

You've gotta be true to yourself.

I'm proud of both of you.

All right, all right! So the kids just went to sleep.

I read them a trashy noveI.

I stuffed them full of hot fudge sundae.

So are you happy? Tony? What are you doing out here? It's 4:00 in the morning.

It's 4:02 in the morning.

I stand corrected.


- You couldn't sleep either, huh?
- Not a wink.

I thought when you had a clear conscience you're supposed to sleep like a baby.

Not when it costs you a $10 million account.


- Or a red convertible.


- Yeah.

This is the sexiest Italian machine I've had my hands on since Doreen DiSpenza.

Well, a lot of firms would've taken that account and let the client deaI with the consequences.

Yeah, I know.

In the minors, I knew guys who'd drop a fly ball for 100 bucks.

Yeah.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

So, what's wrong with us? We're a couple of patsies.

No.

It's worse than that.

We're honest.

You know if I scratch a car in a parking lot, I leave a note on it.

Really? I draw a wavy line through a stamp when it comes through the maiI uncanceled.

Yeah? I if I'm shopping and I eat a cherry, I take the pit to the checkout girI.

You really are a sap.

Angela, I always wanted a convertible.

Closest I ever came was when the top of my old man's car rusted out.

You know, Tony, you don't have to take this car back untiI tomorrow morning.

You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Breakfast?
- New Hampshire? I'll get the kids.