01x13 - Protecting the President

[bunniefuu]

Mother.

How's the short story coming? I can't think of anything to write about.

Well, write about life, or someone you know.

Observe something, Mother.

The sexy, sultry blond rose from the couch and slithered across the room.

Is it too late to drop the course? Actually, she wasn't all that sexy.

She's wasn't all that sultry.

And it was even doubtfuI she was a blond.

Mother! Oh, I know I'm late, I know I'm late, but I got all the errands done, and look.

I even got a wreath.


- That's terrific, but where's the
-?
- Firewood? I got the firewood.


- Firewood.


- Great, but what about
-? Dinner? I got dinner.


- Chinese food.


- Children.

The children are gonna love this.

I forgot the kids! I'm out of here.

Mother, do you think Tony's been acting peculiar? Oh, Angela.

It's easy to forget the kids.

They're small.

Not just today.

He's been preoccupied all week.

He's out almost every night.

I had to plan my eggnog party around his schedule.

These are the times that try men's souls.

Here they are.

Kids.

He's forgetfuI, but he's fast.

We got a ride home with Mrs.

McCarthy.

Yeah, I told her my dad didn't care about me anymore.

What are you talking about? I got Chinese food, an order of ribs.

He cares, he cares.

Hey, listen, I can't stay for dinner.

I gotta go out.

Again? Well, yeah.

It's Christmas time, right?
- Well, I know, but
-
- But tomorrow I'll stay home, I promise.

I'll make scampi a la Tony, the best.

I promise.

I need you to stay.

I have to go Christmas shopping.


- But, Angela
-
- Tony, I'll cover for you.

I love Chinese.

It's my only vice.

Well, at least it goes well with the others.

Mona, you're the best.

I love you.

Bye, sweetheart.

No, no, I don't kiss you.

Hey, Agatha Christie.

How you doing? Great.

Someone is k*lling off all the gardeners in a small Connecticut town.

The police are stumped the town is paralyzed with fear, and all the lawns are going to seed.

Mona.

That's chilling, Mona, chilling.

Our only hope lies with our heroine a sexy, red
-headed grandmother whose detective skills are only surpassed by her incredible body.

And I think the housekeeper did it.

What? This? Fresh gardener's blood.

You got me, Mona.

I caught him fooling around with my begonias.

This is not gardener's blood.

This is tomato sauce, and you smell like pepperoni.

You got it.

I gotta get that kitchen cleaned up before Angela comes home.

And what is this? Yet another clue.

Pizza Playland.

Are you working there
-? Tony, are you moonlighting? Hey, d*ck Tracy, you got me, all right?
- I needed some extra money, that's all.


- Why? Mother, open up! Stall her.

I gotta get that kitchen cleaned.


- I'm coming, I'm coming.


- Mother! Hold your horses! Oh, well, it cost me a bundle but I got something wonderfuI for all my employees.

Scrooge.

Mother, what are you talking about? Tony is holding down another job at night because you don't pay him enough to even buy Christmas presents for his little girI.

Humbug, Mother.

I just gave him a nice Christmas bonus.

He's working a night job? Why? I don't know, but he said he needed the money.

You don't think he's in trouble, do you? I don't know, but I'm going to find out.


- Do you have a plan?
- I'm going to ask him.

Angela, you wouldn't last five minutes at Scotland Yard.

Look, I know I'm late, but I got the money.

I promise, I'll be there Saturday morning.

I'll be there.

Okay.


- Tony.


- Hi.

I'm just setting the table for breakfast.

You know me, always one step ahead of the game.

Tony, Mother told me what you're doing.

Angela, do I look like the kind of guy that kills gardeners? Come on.

No, but you look like a guy who's working two jobs.

Oh, that.

I know I've been out of the house a lot, but only at night and I'm still doing a good job here, right? Well, you did put the red towels in the wash with Jonathan's white shorts.

But nowadays, I mean, it's cooI for guys to wear pink, huh? Angela, I don't know.

Tony, are you in some kind of trouble? Do you owe someone money? Angela, look, thanks for your concern, but this is kind of personaI.

You're gonna have to give me some space on this one.

Of course, Tony.

I hope you don't think that I was prying.


- Oh, no.


- It's just if you need anything LegaI advice, maybe.


- Angela, thank you, but, no, okay?
- Okay.

Gambling debts? Are they after you?
- Who's "they"?
- You know, "them.

" People who talk like this.

You mean guys with laryngitis? Oh, hi.

It's gorgeous out.

What a day.


- I'm in a wonderfuI mood.


- Me too.


- I just paid all my December bills.


- Good for you.

I'm running down to the corner mailbox, drop these off.


- You forgot one.


- That one's gotta be there today.

I'm gonna deliver that myself.

I see.


- Hello.


- Hi, Mother.

How are you? Don't change the subject.

What about Tony? Did you talk to him last night? I did.

He said it was personaI, and I didn't pry.

What good are you? Mother.

Whatever it is, he's going to take care of it today with that envelope.

No, no, no, Mother.

It's really none of our business.

No, right.

You're right.

Right.

You're absolutely right.

G.

F.

Lipari.

Who could G.

F.

Lipari be? Godfather Lipari.

Angela, I've got great news! Well, I'm glad you do, Mother.

I've got 62 employees and 61 presents.

So, what's the big deaI? Fire someone.

That's the Christmas spirit, Mother.

Angela, I found out today that Tony is not in trouble.

He's not? That's wonderfuI.

How do you know? Well, elementary, my dear Angela.

I went for a little ride today and I just happened to find myself in Brooklyn in Tony's old neighbourhood, actually.

Mother, you followed him.

I know.

I almost lost him.

I couldn't find a parking space.

But Mona Robinson never loses her man.

I got there just in time to see Tony duck into a building and I followed him up to the third floor.

And there she was a beautiful dark
-haired woman.

G.

F.

Lipari.

Mother, what are you saying? Oh, Angela, take it out of neutraI.

He's keeping a woman! He's keeping a woman.

Isn't it wonderfuI? And all this time, we thought he was in trouble.

He's keeping a woman? I am rearranging my life for him so he can fooI around with some Flatbush floozy? Stop it! Mona, glad you're here.

You gonna stick around for some scampi? The best I ever made.


- That's terrific.


- Yeah.

I've rearranged my eggnog party to accommodate you.

I have sent my son to schooI in pink underwear, and why? I give up.

So you could sneak down your back alleys to some torrid tryst with a Neapolitan nymphet.

Sounds so romantic.

It sounds great.

Where do I sign on? What are you talking about? Do you deny that you were in Brooklyn this afternoon?
- What if I was?
- With a check for a certain G.

F.

Lipari? Hey, what, are you two tailing me? When did you turn into Cagney and Lacey? Your peccadillo is affecting my household.

I think I deserve an explanation.

Okay.

You want an explanation? Mr.

Lipari is my father's landlord.

I've been paying the rent on his apartment.

And what about the mysterious dark
-haired woman? That's the mysterious dark
-haired daughter of Mr.

Lipari.

Boy, Angela, you were way off on this one.

The guy raised the rent on me, so with Christmas coming I didn't know if I could make it, but I did, okay?
- Okay.

That's very commendable.


- Thank you.


- You're welcome.


- Dinner's served in five minutes.


- Hey, Angela.

You thought?
- Well, I Try to get your mind out of the gutter, all right? This is all your fault.

Oh, Angela.

Why lay blame?
- Angela, I have a terrific idea.


- Forget it.

Why don't we invite Tony's father here for Christmas, huh? It's Tony and Samantha's first Christmas in Connecticut.

Wouldn't it be nice if they had some family with them? Well, it is a good idea, Mother, even if it is yours.


- I know it, I know it, I know it.


- All right, I'll go ask.


- Oh, good.


- Mom, look! Oh, sweetheart, that's wonderfuI.

Told you she wouldn't know what it was.

Sam, come here.

Come sit down.

Honey, how would you like it if your Grandfather Micelli came to spend Christmas with us? That would be great, Angela.

But I think you're a little late.

Oh, does he already have plans? No.

He's been dead for over a year.

Well, you were way off on this one too, Angela.

Tony, I I kind of asked Samantha if your father wanted to come here and spend Christmas with us.

Yeah? What'd she say? Well, she didn't think he could make it.

No? You know, he's He's dead.

That was her reason too.

Tony, this may be none of my business, but it seems a little unusuaI to keep paying rent for someone who well, isn't really in the position to appreciate it.

Hey, look, Angela.

The apartment is It's no big mystery.

I mean Finding a place in the city is rough.

I'm hanging on to this one in case things don't work out with us living together.

Not that we're " living together" living together.

How do you think things are working with you and me not " living together"? Oh, terrific.

Great.

Why? Don't you think so? Oh, no complaints here.

Hey, you tried the rest.

Now you got the best.

Excuse me.

Why don't you let the apartment go? I will, I will.

Soon as I get it cleaned out.

Well, Tony, I know that it's tough to clean out a place after someone, you know
- Dies.


- Right, that.

I remember when Daddy
- d*ed.


- Right.

Mother and I went and cleaned out his office.

I used to love that place.

He had a big mahogany desk and a view of the city.

Yeah? That's funny.

My old man had a view of the city too.

Right from the back of the old garbage truck.


- He was a garbage man?
- Yeah.

Right on the block where I lived.

He loved that job.

I don't know, somehow he made it great.

Man.

Tony, what about the place? I'll get it done.

I've just been busy.

Would you like to take the day off tomorrow?
- Tony?
- Angela? Hold on.


- Hi.


- Hi.

How's it going? Oh, I'm just packing up a storm.


- What are you doing?
- I left work early.


- I thought you might need some help.


- Yeah.

Come on in.

Thank you.

So this is where your father Lived.

Right.

Well You know, Tony, I always find that sometimes, at times like this, it helps if somebody comes and helps you.

Somebody who doesn't have an emotionaI attachment to these
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

Tony, I'm really sorry.


- It's all right.

Angela, it's okay.


- Tony! Oh, no! No! Angela, this is from the fireplace! My father's safe and sound in the Jamaica Avenue Cemetery.

Right.

I knew that.

Well It looks like slow going around here.

Yeah, well My father had a lot of stuff.

Hey, speaking of stuff.

See this ball? This ball is signed by all the '62 Mets.

There, look.

" Marvellous" Marv Throneberry.

Choo Choo Coleman.

My old man was the biggest Mets fan that ever existed.

You know, he was the one who got me interested in baseball in the first place.

He must have been so proud when you made it in the major leagues.

Proud? He was dancing in the streets.

You know, I remember when I came to town with the Cards, you know.

My father took out a whole section of the bleachers.

He brought everybody he knew, and guys he met in the parking lot.

You could hear him chanting all the way down to the dugout.

You know, "Tony, Tony, Tony.

" Yeah, I was so nervous I struck out the first three times I came to the plate.

Then I come up in the ninth, you know.

It's two on.

There's one out.

I hear him chanting, "Tony, Tony, Tony.

" You hit him a home run, didn't you? I ground into a double play.

Dad was happy.

His kid was playing in the majors and the Mets finally won a game.

You must miss him.

Yeah, I miss him a lot.

There
- There's a Christmas tree.

You weren't planning on spending Christmas here, were you? That's from That's from last year.

My father d*ed kind of sudden, right before Christmas, you know.

My present's still under the tree.

It's been a year.

Don't you think you want to open it? Yeah, I guess.

He always said I was late for everything.

I guess this time he was right.

Come on.

You can do it.

It's his pocket watch.

I get the hint.

It's just beautifuI.

Oh, there's an inscription.

Look.

"To my 14
-karat son.

" Angela, I don't think I can handle this.

Tony you've locked your father's memory away in this apartment for a year.

Why don't you give him a break.

Come on.

Take him back to Connecticut so he can be with his family.

Tony, I think this should just about do it.


- Here, let me get
-
- No, no, don't! It's really heavy.

Well, it's not so much heavy as it is clumsy.

Tony, that's a great record collection.

Yeah, huh? My old man was a sucker for these big bands, you know.

Yeah, look.

Tommy Dorsey.

There's Glenn Miller.

Les Brown and his Band of Renown.

You should have seen my old man do the Lindy.

What are you gonna do with all these records? I don't know.

I mean, I guess I could give them to some retirement home or something like that, huh? I mean, this is pretty cornball stuff.

Right.

But I love it.


- You do? So do I.


- You do? Yeah.

So I could take them home and we'd play them all the time?
- Samantha and Jonathan'll hate us.


- That's the way it's supposed to be.

Well I guess this is it.

Yeah, Monday morning the Salvation Army comes
- and cleans the rest of this stuff out.


- Right.

You know My old man lived here 15 years.

Now all it is is a room full of old furniture.

Tony, why don't I take this suitcase down and I'll wait for you in the van.

Angela.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

My new iron.

Well, that is the end of the presents, thank heavens.

Did everybody get what they wanted?
- Got my iron.


- Thanks, Dad.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Hey, Mona, how about you? Did Santa treat you good this year? Too soon to tell.

He's meeting me at my place later.

I have an idea.

How about a little Christmas music? Mom, what are you doing?
- I'm doing the Lindy, honey.


- You call that the Lindy?
- I'll show you how to Lindy.


- Dad, don't you dare! Okay, come on, punkers.

It's Christmas.

Let's rock.

Come on, let's do the Lindy.