01x03 - When Christmas Was Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "Happy!" Ah! [SQUEAKS]

You're not a hallucination, you're not my subconscious trying to gyrate me for all my past sins.

There's probably a little girl somewhere out there who needs her daddy.

I ain't him.

You are him.

Who are you? Hailey Hansen.

They took me away from my mom.


- I miss her.


- I need your help.

Someone kidnapped my daughter.

You owe me.

I don't owe you anything at all.

Nick Sax has got my password.

The only man you ever loved broke up his marriage.

Wait a minute, were you two I'm gonna lose my lunch.

I bring you Sax, and we're even.

I saw what you did to all those bad guys, Nick.

If you can do that, you can save Hailey.

That picture of you that Hailey saw was real.

You were a hero once.

I guess that's why you hate yourself.

Come on, let's go find this kid.

My dad's coming.

He's a hero.

He's gonna find Santa and he's gonna put him in jail forever.

[LITTLE BOY VOICE]

What if Santa finds your daddy first? [SQUEAKS]

Hey! I'm the only one who can hear that.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah.

I'm not sure I follow your point, Nick.

You know this shtick of yours The songs, the corny lines, the zany "aw shucks" vaudeville routine? It's not cute.

It's not funny.

Hailey thinks I'm cute and funny.

Hey, do you ever stop to think maybe she didn't really send you off to find me? Maybe she wanted to get rid of you.

[LAUGHING]

Trying to get rid That's uhh.

That That is not true.

I'm an absolutely delightful little ball of funshine.

I've known you less than 24 hours.

I already wanna k*ll both of us with fire just to make it stop.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh, are we there yet? [HORNS HONKING]

I can't.

Ugh.

[SIGHS]

Do I need to remind you what happened the last time we took our eyes off the road? Okay.

We're gonna play the quiet game until we get off this bridge.

Oh, what's the quiet game? Usually Hailey and I just play with apps.

You know, games on the phone.

Oh, maybe you should use Google Maps, Nick.

Amanda uses Google Maps.

It tells you the best route to take so you don't get stuck in traffic.

Also, it sounds funny.

Google [CHUCKLES]

Google.

Google.

L
-O
-L.

What the heck? You can't get out of the car on a bridge.


- Oh.


- [ZIPPER UNZIPPING]

Ah.

[LIQUID TRICKLING]

[GASPS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What are you doing, Nick? Anyone ever tell you about right and wrong? Eh, there's a lot of things nobody ever told me.

[BELLS RINGING]

Then again, I was never much of a listener.

[DRAMATIC OLD TIMEY MUSIC]

Look, I'm not defending the guy.


- Okay.


- I'm just saying This piece of sh*t's not worth us losing our jobs over.

Just take a walk.

Grab a falafel.


- It won't take you long.


- You know I can't do that.

You're my g*dd*mn partner.

Three domestic abuse calls in the last week That guy's b*ating on that poor girl like Keith Moon at Woodstock and we're supposed to turn the other way, why? Because he's some rich assh*le's lawyer? You know, I think we got our roles reversed here, Sax.

You're supposed to be the cynical, jaded vet who plays by the rules, and I'm supposed to be the idealistic, young rookie who just can't accept that sometimes the bad guys get away with sh*t.

[LIGHT CLAPPING]

Like I said, Mer, falafel.

It's calling your name.

All right, I'll tell you what.

We knock on this door, you be good cop, I be, you know, me.

Stay close by, make sure I don't do any permanent damage to this assh*le, and maybe we can both manage to stay employed.

[BABY CRYING]

[BANGING]

What the hell is this? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[BABY CRYING]

Wait, you're those cops that showed up last week.

Ah, Detective [SNAPS FINGERS]


- Sax, right?
- That's right.

I thought I was very specific, very specific Shut that g*dd*mn thing's mouth, Coco, or I swear to Christ! Hey, hey, come here, Detective.

Let me talk to you a second.

Come here, between us boys, Sax.

You know what it is? It starts out as a nice little side piece, right? Swears up and down, it's ok, I got the implant.

Besides, the last dude she was with Allegedly messed her up so she can't, you know Next thing you know, she's knocked up.

Can you believe it? I set her up in this place.

Nice place, right? No rent, furnished.

All I expect is when I want to come out this side of town and get off, I don't want any lip about it, you understand? Suppositories.

New thing.

Guys doing speedballs up the ass.

I say to myself, what kind of douchebag would ever do something like that? Now I see I'm looking right at him, right? I think something's getting lost in translation here.


- Do you?
- The men I associate with, the men I represent I can literally take your badge, Detective.

I can just take it.

The men you associate with.

What, you wanna lay hands on me? Do it.

Do it, make it easy.

Let me be clear.

Nothing gets lost in translation.

[SOFTLY]

I am someone that you don't wanna be associated with in any way, shape, or form.

When I come back here, badge or no badge, I'm gonna take your head and shove it up your ass and use it like your mother's.

[DING]

Eh, maybe you're right.


- [CAR DOOR SLAMS]


- [SIGH]

I could probably go for an attitude adjustment.

I don't even know what to say to you right now.

Then why don't you tell me where we're going? Hailey.

Where is she? How the heck should I know? You're the detective.


- You were with her, right?
- Yeah.

So where did he take you? I don't know.

You don't know? It was dark Really dark.

How dark? Really, really dark.

And there was a hallway.

And then we came to a big room A dirty, smelly room.

There was junk everywhere, super old junk, Nick, like, like from when you were little.

And there were these boxes, big wooden boxes with holes.

That's where he keeps them, Nick.

[WHISPERING]

That's where the monster keeps the kids.

[SHRIEKS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[SHRIEKS]

There's only one person who can save us.

You know who he is, and you're the only one who can find him.

I'm not leaving you.

You have to.

You have to find him.

You have to bring him back here.

[STAMMERING]

But Hailey, I don't even You can do it.

Know why? Because I believe in you.

[LOUD THUDS]

So, you see, Nick? I can't let her down.

That's very heartwarming.

What about the guy?
- Tell me about the guy.


- The guy? The monster.

Can you describe him? We're gonna go see a friend of mine.

He used to be a police sketch artist back when I was on the force.

They had to let him go because he got a little Ah, never mind why they let him go.

The guy's a pro, and he owes me a solid.

Now, this so
-called monster of yours You're gonna tell me what he looks like.

I'm gonna tell him, he's gonna draw it, capisce?
- Oh, okay.


- All right.

Why are we doing this again? How many times are we gonna go over it? I need the picture so we know who we're looking for.

Right? It's called police work.

Hmmm.

[PEOPLE SINGING]

Cigs [SNIFFS]

Alcohol [SNIFFS]

And Drakkar Noir.

That can only be one man.

Nick Sax.

Hey.

Damn.

What happened to you? I won the Powerball.

Got a wardrobe upgrade, quit drinking.

Got myself a personal trainer.

Yep, living the high life.

You? Same, same.

As you can see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Emil, I need a favor from you.

If I give you a description, can you just sketch something up for me? Well, you know, it's not like the old days.

Yeah, I know, I see.

Your work's really, um Evolved.

That's not what I mean.

These days, it's gonna cost you 20 bucks.

You got yourself a deal.

You start describing.

Oh, let's see.

He was super ugly.

Like like Like if a sea monster and smog monster had a baby, and they dressed it up like the Grinch in a big red coat, but he was all grown up Oh, and not green.

Uh, big red suit.

And ugly.

[OLD TIMEY VAUDEVILLE MUSIC]

[GRUNTS]

BOTH: [PANTING]

You were right.

This morning Entitled sons of b*tches.

Think they can get away with anything.

[GRUFFLY]

Yeah, Mer.

Been around the block a few times.

See how these things pan out.

[NORMAL VOICE]

Yeah, but Nick It's easy to say, why stick your neck out? She made her bed, let her lie in it.

But guess if we're not going to stick our necks out for people like that, we've got no business being cops, right? [GRUFFLY]

Couldn't have said it better myself, Mer.

[NORMAL VOICE]

You know, I'm glad we can have these little chats.

Sometimes, you know, you just need someone to bounce sh*t off of.

That's right.

Keeps you from going insane.

Hey, screw IAB.

[PILLS RATTLING]

I'll take the heat for what happened today.

So sweet.

Wanna close that? [DOOR SLAMMING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Morning, Detective.

So, assaulting a cop in a police station.

Probably not your brightest move.

And now you're locked up in here instead of out there looking for your kid.

How's that feel? How's that eye feel? Not to mention you took the sh*t at one cop in this entire building who might actually be able to help you.

Oh, you're gonna help me? There isn't an honest cop in this place.

These came to the parents of the other missing children.

Christmas cards.

Guess I don't have to ask if they look familiar.

No ransom demand.

Nothing.

Why? Maybe these sick bastards get as much of a thrill out of torturing the parents as they do the kids.

[SOFT THUD]

Penny Baker Reported missing late yesterday.

No card yet? Any cop worth his sh*t might go out there, stake him out See if they get a card.

And who brings it.

Turn around.

The kid, Hailey.

Is it Sax's? Does it matter? [MELLOW MUSIC]

You could've just said Santa Claus.

Santa Claus, huh? Oh! Th
-That's him.

That's the guy.

Sorry I wasted your time, Emil.

Not wasting my time at all.

That'll be 20 bucks, Nick.

It's yours.


- Hey, Sax.


- What? Them voices? [WHISPERS]

I hear 'em too.

Where are you taking me? [OMINOUS MUSIC]

Toyland Toyland Little girl and boy land While you dwell within it You are happy ever then [HAPPY SINGING ALONG]

Childhood's joy
-land BOTH Mystic, merry toyland Once you pass its borders All right, all right, I get it.

I got it, just, please, don't sing that or anything else ever again.

But I need you to dig into that pea
-sized head of yours.

You gotta give me something about this guy.

A lisp? A limp? A smell.

A funny smell, like, like plastic burning? But sweet.

Hmm I know that smell.

Meth.

[POLICE SIREN CHIRPING]

What was that bad? Well, it ain't good.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SIRENS WAILING]

Eh, in hindsight, I guess we could've picked a less conspicuous ride.

I told you we shouldn't have cheated at cards.

Oh, yeah, that might be the reason why they're after us.

Oh.


- [CARS BEEPING]


- [TIRES SQUEALING]

It could be that we're driving a stolen car, with stolen g*ns in the trunk, or it could be the three dead bodies at Le Dic's.

[CRASHES]

Or the however many dead bodies we left back at that hospital.

To tell you the truth, all this excitement I've kind of lost track.

Or not leaving 20% at breakfast.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[METAL CRASHING, GRINDING]

[SCREAMS]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GRUNGY HIP
-HOP MUSIC]


- [GRUNTS]


- [GLASS SHATTERING]

I don't wanna be mean, but you are really, really bad at driving.

Disagree.

Look at all the traffic we avoided.

We didn't need Google Maps.

Nick! I wanna remind you that a little girl's life is at stake.

Merry Christmas.

You know something? You need to relax, calm down, and get into the Christmas spirit.

Be cheerful.

Besides, like I said I got an idea.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

And that porridge is just right.

[MUFFLED]

What the hell Sax! Oh, the teddy bear talked, Nick.

That's the second job in a row I did for free because you can't learn to knock.

Well, to be fair, you did leave both half finished.

That's so not funny.

[SOFT GASP]

These must be the magic carrots that make the reindeer fly.

Look, I'll be happy to pay you for your, uh, business losses.

I just need a little help from you.

The last time you needed my help, I ended up wearing four dead guys.

This is totally different.

I'm just looking for someone.

Santa fetish, meth head.

Looks like he was dipped in honey, rolled in garbage.


- Likes little kids.


- Yeah, um I don't do Santas.

I had a pervy uncle, used to dress like Santa every Christmas.

I think he was my uncle.

I don't wanna talk about it, okay? Sure, we all gotta draw the line somewhere.

Still, something tells me you know where to find some holly jolly freaks don't you, Angel? Yeah, sure.

I know where to find them.

The North Pole.

Ho, ho, ho, ho Merry Christmas Ho, ho, ho, ho Yeah, I know.

.

What is this place, Nick? This, my petite amigo, is a winter wonderland.

I'm suddenly thirsty.

Now you want to write a wish list [RAPPING INDISTINCTLY]

All right, I give, what's the deal? What? What, what?
- The Santa thing?
- Mmm.

Mmm, they've been coming in here as long as anybody can remember.

Department store Santas, street Santas, you know, bell ringers.

It's a place they can hang out and unwind, judgment free.

It's a stressful job, you know.

So, you gonna order something, or are we just fast friends? Whiskey.

Bottom shelf.

Don't pollute it.

You can have all the cherries you want? You're g*dd*mn right.

Wait a minute.

Your kind you can eat? We pretend to.

Oh, for Christ's sake, all right, forget about the cherries.

Look around, see if you see him.

These are all real Santas.

Aww.

Mmm.

Wait.

I haven't had a drink in 19 hours.

I'm as dry as a cured ham.


- [LIQUID TRICKLING]


- Oh.

Hear that? Nick, are Are you crying? Shh.

[SOFTLY]

Leave the bottle.

Wait.

I'm looking for someone.

Try Grindr.

A Santa Claus.

Into little kids A little too much, if you know what I mean.

It's Christmas in my house No clue how you'd find a guy like that other than throw a bottle in any direction.

Mean and scary, Nick.

Tell him he's mean and scary.

Thank you very much, but if you don't mind, I'll do the questions around here.

I'm not a cop.

Clearly.

Now what, Nick? First, get nice and lubricated, take the edge off, straighten out my head.

And then we work.

It's Christmas Penny Baker Parents are Brent and Emma.

Lost their kid at Roosevelt Field Shopping Center.

They didn't lose her.

Right.

She was taken.

Did I lose Hailey? You think this is my fault? [SOFTLY]

No.

We were at Bryant Park seeing Sonny Shine, you know, the three wishes guy.

I was holding her hand.

And then I wasn't.

I'm sorry.

I'm not asking for sympathy.

Besides, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

You're obviously not a mother.

[SOFT SCOFF]

You don't know that.

If you were a mother, I could tell.

You're not a mother.

Fair enough.

Probably couldn't even hold my kid's hand right without Maybe you ought to let me talk in there.

This is gonna be fun.

She needed a new winter coat.

That's why we were at the mall.

They grow like weeds these days.

Every year, it's a new this or that When did you first notice she was gone? At Burlington's.

[SIGH]

The coat store.


- So big, you know?
- Yeah.

We only looked away for a couple of seconds.

She went to the mirror.

Girls this age, they're "How does it look on me?" I don't know why I didn't go with her.

[VOICE CRACKING]

Or why I didn't either.

You can't blame yourself.

How can you not? [SOLEMN MUSIC]

You poor thing, all alone.

Where's your husband? Hailey's dad? He's not around.

Never has been.

[VOICE SHAKING]

You mind if I use your Right upstairs, second door on the left.

[ECHOING VERSION OF "BUTTON UP YOUR OVERCOAT" PLAYING]

Now that I've got you made Goodness, but I'm afraid Something's gonna happen to you Listen big boy You got me hooked and how I would die if I should lose you now Button up your overcoat When the wind is free Take good care of yourself You belong to me Eat an apple every day Get to bed by three Take good care of yourself You belong to me Be careful crossing streets Ooh Don't eat meat For you.

Cut out sweets, ooh 'Cause you're nice.

You'll get a pain and ruin your tum
-tum Take the spoon out of your cup Eat.

No.

Take good care of yourself You belong to me Listen, girlfriend You got me off my feet [EATING SOUNDS]

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I'm afraid I'm going to worry too You wanna see your daddy, don't you? Yeah.

I wanna see him too.

You belong to me Eat.


- No.


- Eat.


- No.


- Eat the cake.

No!
- Eat it!
- No! I'm not eating that! [MUSIC MUDDLING]

You belong to me Don't sit on hornet's tails Ooh Or on nails, ooh Or third rails, ooh [WHISPERING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

Never start an argument With a bumblebee Take good care of yourself You belong to me [LITTLE BOY VOICE]

Come on.

Eat the fruitcake.

Eat it all up so you can tell me again about how your daddy's gonna come here and save you.

[FADED, SPIRITED CHRISTMAS MUSIC]

[SIGH]

[DRAMATIC, OLD TIMEY MUSIC]

Are you sure? About seven weeks, give or take.

[MACHINE WHOOSHING RHYTHMICALLY]

Looks like Santy Claus brought you a little present.

[CREEPY CHUCKLE]

[WHOOSHING]

Hey.

Hey, hey, what are you doing here? I, uh, I got you this.

You got me a book? Cheever.

I remembered how much you said you loved it.

Ah, yeah.

[LAUGHING]

Or is that just one of the many things you said to get me in bed? Right, so, do me a favor Take this home.

If I leave it here, some scumbag's gonna walk away with it.

Any chance I can take you to lunch? We need to talk.

You know I can't.


- You never can, Nick.


- I Never good time to talk, never good time for us.

Yo, how screwed are we? Hello, Merry.

Hey.

Anyway, I see you're busy.

We do need to talk.

Tonight? Yep.

Yep.

Yep.

It's important, Nick.

I know.

Tonight.

I promise.

They wanna talk to me.

f*ck 'em.

That guy is radioactive, Nick.

[PHONE RINGING]

Sax.


- Damn it.


- What was that? That son of a bitch is b*ating on her again.

[SOFT CREAKING]

[GENTLE MUSIC]

[MUFFLED THUDS]

[MUFFLED THUDS]

[CREAKING]

[RATTLING]


- [SHRIEKS]


- [GASPS]

[DRAMATIC, ALARMING MUSIC]

Sax.

Sax! [TENSE MUSIC]

Freeze! Don't move.

Okay.

I guess this is happening.

If he moves, put a hole in him.

Where's the baby? Where's the g*dd*mn baby? Sax.

Sax! [LOW ELECTRONIC HUMMING]


- [DING]


- [GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[TIMER TICKING]

I mean, obviously I get it.

It's not like I'm a communist, for Christ sake.

I'm just saying, at the end of the day, it's A thing you poop through, nothing more, nothing less.

Dude, do you mind? I'm trying to work here.

I'm not the one who offered up a free lap dance.

No, but my boss told me to take you out of the main room because you were spooking the clientele and now I can see why.

Bad for business is my kinda thing.

Oh
-kay.

I don't know what's bringing me down more Your limp d*ck, or your blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, you ain't even here for a good time.

I heard you asking questions out there.

What is this, some pathetic excuse for an investigation? I'm beginning to wonder the same thing myself.

Well, you ought to talk to Mrs.

Claws, because that bitch has been here since dirt was young.

And if she doesn't got any answers for you, you're in the wrong club.

Mmm.


- [DING]


- Haha
-ha! Whee! [GIGGLING]

We'll never speak of it.

Bad bitch kissing me under a mistletoe Mrs.

Claws.

[COUGHING]

What can I do you for, big and tall? I'm sure you've heard why I'm here.

Who we're looking for.

Now, you can give it to me hard, or you give it to me easy.

I'd like to give it to you ten ways from Sunday.

I'm not so sure I'd say no to that.

You wear a Santa suit, you got issues, one way or another.

Goes with the territory.

But the guy you're looking for is something else.

Reminds me of a fella we all knew back in the day, back when Christmas was Christmas.

Worked at Gimbels before it closed down.

This was like Madison Square Garden for Santas.

The big enchilada.

He was good.

Real good.

No one suspected what really went on behind all the tinsel and cellophane.

Turns out the guy was a real sicko.

A monster.

A monster? The elves knew, though.

You can't keep much from those little sons of b*tches.

They knew what he did to the kids when mommy and daddy weren't around, and they hated him for it.

He was giving all of us in the yuletide economic niche a bad name.

Ended up hanging himself in Ladies' Intimates.

The elves made sure of it.

You tell the story like you was there.

If I was, I'd never cop to it Not to you or anyone.

Anyway those were different times.

Better times.

Nowadays, they put freaks like that on TV and make 'em millionaires.

I used to ride that pole.

Rode it good, too.

Yeah, it's a swell story, but need I remind you that my monster is very much alive and kicking.

Now, this Gimbels piñata Santa What the hell's he have to do with the price of ass in China? Not him.

The son.

He had a kid, that one.

[SCOFFING]

Can you imagine? Wound up institutionalized.

No one heard anything about him after that.

It's the kid, Nick.

Bit of a leap, ain't it? I ain't saying he's the one you're looking for.

I ain't saying he ain't.

Still I wonder some nights.

Where's that little boy now? [OMINOUS HOLIDAY MUSIC]

["DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" PLAYING]

It's the fruitcake.

It's magic.

It makes you see things.

Look.

[DRY LAUGHTER]

[EERIE HOLIDAY MUSIC]

Do you see? Do you see? Just just come with me.

[ECHOING]

Come with me.

We're going on a little trip.

You're gonna take me to see your daddy.

Tell me she's gonna be okay.

I wish I could.

They cried to me and I believed them.

Why would anyone do that to their own child? Who knows? 15 minutes of fame? I stopped figuring out the why a long time ago.

He never talked to me about it.

What he saw.

Days like this.

How he felt.

Guess he had you for that.

[SNORTS, CHUCKLES]

Yeah, some talker that guy was.

Couldn't shut him up.

Sax didn't need a shoulder to cry on.

He was too strong for that.

That's what you call strong? And all this time I thought you knew him better than I did.

Take you home.

We're not done.

We still have other parents to talk to.

Haven't you seen enough? [PHONE RINGING MELODICALLY]

You're kidding, right? [MELODIC RINGING]

Yeah? "Yeah.

Yeah.

" Such a vulgar way to answer the telephone.

What do you want, Blue? You know what I want, Meredith.

The question that should be keeping you awake at night is, what am I prepared to do to get it? Don't worry.

I've got a whole new way into Nick Sax.

[OLD TIMEY, VAUDEVILLE MUSIC]

[POPPING]

[POPPING CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]

[DING]

Mary! Where's Mary? Mary, oh, look at this wonderful, old, drafty house.

Mary! [LAUGHING]

Oh, George.

Are you real? You have no idea what's happened to me.

You have no idea what happened.

[TV BUZZING QUIETLY]

Thanks, hon.

So ready for that talk? I don't wanna talk.

You don't wanna talk? You promised.

I asked you, and you promised.

How about this? You don't have to say anything at all.

I just need to ask you a question.

What if we were to add another stocking to the mantle? ["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING" PLAYING ON THE TV]

Well, Amanda, that is a wonderful idea.

Let's bring an innocent child into this wonderful, wonderful world.

Filled with wonderful, wonderful people Wonderful sights, wonderful sounds.

[LOUD SNAP]

Our little, perfect family You, me, and our bundle of bones and flesh and blood.

I mean, why not have a child? What's the worst thing that can happen? Winds up like me? To my big brother, George.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

The richest man in town.

[DOOR RATTLING]

[SOFTLY]

Ugh.

[ZIPPER UNZIPPING]

[LIQUID TRICKLING]

[SIGH]

[BELLS RING SOFTLY]

[LIQUID TRICKLING]

[BELLS JINGLING]

[YELLING]

[GRUNTS]

[YELLS]

Ah? [METAL CLANGING]

[GRUNTING]

That's funny.

You look just like your picture.

[GRUNT]

[DRY LAUGH]

[YELLS]

[CRASH]


- [GRUNTING]


- [BELLS JINGLING]

[PANTING]

[DOOR CLICKS]

Nick, Nick, are you all right? What happened? Oh, no.

No.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

[GASP]

Huh? I can see you.

[HIGH
-PITCHED LAUGHTER]