Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Eating on duty is against hospitaI rules.
- You know that.
- Sorry, Nurse Robbins.
You should be making your rounds.
Nurse Robbins! Nurse Robbins, they're gone! They're gone!
- My baby!
- This place is swamped today.
Haven't seen so many unhappy faces since my wedding reception.
Yes.
Yep.
Yes, Commissioner, I'm doing the best I can! What's with all these people here? They're parents, Doreau.
Every one of them is hystericaI.
This is a precinct, not an encounter group.
Men and women should settle problems the way my wife and I did, with a divorce.
Hammer, those civilians out there need our help.
Their babies were abducted last night.
Lot of people out there.
How many infants were involved? The entire nursery at the hospitaI was cleaned out.
Talk about robbing the cradle, huh? Have you no compassion for what those people are going through? Of course I do.
I have suffered a sense of loss just like everybody else.
I lost my luggage once.
I was torn up about it for weeks.
Glad to hear you feeI that way.
I request that Hammer and I be assigned this case.
No way! No, whoa, no! No way.
No, I don't do this.
I'm in Homicide.
I deaI in scum
-suckers, not thumb
-suckers.
Captain, who could be behind such a despicable crime? Obviously a baby
-selling ring, Doreau.
The kind of back
-alley racketeers that steaI babies and sell them to childless couples for exorbitant sums.
Kind of a mom
-and
-pop operation, huh?
- Oh!
- Wait, I'm trying to get a handle on this Come in.
Please help us.
We've been here for over an hour.
Oh, I'm sorry.
These officers will be happy to assist you.
Yes, we can talk in the office next door.
- Man!
- Hammer.
I have great trepidation about putting you on this case.
The thought of you coming within five miles of a baby scares the hell outta me.
Me, too.
- This is very upsetting!
- Yes, I understand.
Now, can you describe What was your baby's name? Well we were just about to find a name and then he was stolen! How about Rob? I'm sorry, I don't know where my head's at!
- Could you describe your baby for me?
- Doreau, have a heart! They hardly had a chance to get to know their kid.
Besides, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.
I'll bet even I can describe him.
Small and bald.
Am I right? No.
Actually, Inspector Hammer, our boy had fair hair and blue eyes like his mother.
OK, well, let's sort of move on with this, all right?
- Height.
- Oh well, he was about 18 inches long.
- Weight.
- Six pounds, 11 ounces.
- Any distinguishing scars or tattoos?
- Hammer, please! Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
I've been warm and understanding here and I'm getting none of it back.
- That'll be all, thank you.
- One last question.
- Did your child have any enemies?
- Hammer! It's a newborn baby!
- Newborn babies don't have enemies.
- I did.
Mr and Mrs Yates, you have my word, we will find your baby and get him back to you.
That's a promise.
What are you doing? Cops can't go making promises they can't keep.
That right is reserved for the President.
Why are you in such a humph over solving this case? I don't know.
Maybe it's my maternaI instincts coming into play.
MaternaI instincts? Ugh! It's disgusting! It is? I assumed you thought women should be barefoot and pregnant.
Are you kidding? I encourage women to wear shoes.
Hey, ragweed, this spot is reserved for the handicapped.
Hey, stuff it, buddy.
If I park any other place, it's too far to walk.
Walking is good for you.
I guess now you're gonna have to try it.
"Dr Beauman, 304, Dr Beauman.
" We're looking for Levina Robbins, the head nurse.
She's through those doors.
Oh, but you can't go in there! What are you doing? Who are you? This is a very private moment.
- Not any more.
What's going on here?
- That woman is about to give birth! Push.
Sledge, are you telling me you've never seen a baby being born before? No, I haven't.
Childbirth is for women.
The baby's coming! I can see him! Isn't it wonderfuI? No, it's awfuI.
I'm not gonna be able to eat lunch for a month.
I demand that the two of you leave this instant! I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer.
I wanna talk to you about those missing kids.
I have told the police everything I know.
You over there, keep the baby quiet! Be reasonable.
It's a newborn baby.
Parents have got to supervise their children.
Ever been in a movie theatre when one of them dang tykes is wailing? I'm amazed! I had no idea that a policeman could be so callous towards an infant.
Look who's talking, eagle eyes! You let 12 of 'em slide out from under your nose! This isn't a hospitaI, it's the Bermuda Triangle! I have been a registered nurse for over 15 years! My maternity ward has the finest reputation in the city! Well, speaking personally, I wouldn't have a pizza delivered here.
We are more concerned with recovering the babies than protecting a reputation.
Do you remember anything at all?
- No, I cannot.
I'm not a detective.
- You're not much a nurse either.
As far as I'm concerned, this interview is over.
Excuse me, I have an umbilicaI cord to cut.
It's about time you cut it.
I got a cousin who's 32 and he's still living with his mother and father.
And I strongly urge you parents to discipline this child, starting today! Constant spankings are the reason I turned out all right.
Doreau.
- Doreau, come on, come on, come on.
- Sledge.
What are you doing? Sleeping on the job is for air traffic controllers, not cops.
Sorry, Sledge, I've been up all night.
Been trying to find a line on those missing kids.
Didn't find a thing.
Sledge, I made a promise to that Yates couple.
Doreau, I told you, don't make promises you can't keep.
My informant, Shy Eddie, claims to have the link to locating these young 'uns.
I'm meeting him in a car wash in half an hour.
- I'm coming with you!
- OK, all right.
Whatever you do, don't look at him.
Don't look at him.
Hi, everybody! Don't look at me!
- Didn't say you were gonna bring a date.
- Happens to be my partner, Dori Doreau.
- Resist all urges to look at him!
- Shouldn't be so hard, lady.
I got a face that even my mother couldn't love.
Drive through the car wash, Sledge! An inspired idea.
I'm sure nobody could possibly overhear us here.
Yeah, plus I never get my car washed.
OK, stoolie, what's the story on these missing kids? Give me my money first.
Sledge.
Sledge! Your window won't roll up! That's right! Oh, I've just remembered why I never ever get my car washed!
- What?
- Doh! Doh! You fink! We could've done this over the phone! Seemed like a good idea at the time! Don't look at me! Be inconspicuous! Perhaps you should give us the information we came for! Sure, sure.
Go to the Bayside Adoption Agency.
- And do what?
- Act like you got a lot of bucks.
Don't look at me! Wait till my union hears about this! My coat is ruined! It was supposed to be dry
-cleaned, not hot
-waxed!
- Let's check out the adoption agency.
- That's all right.
- I'll t*rture 'em and get 'em to confess.
- No.
We have to catch them in the act.
We'll pose as a rich married couple and see if they'll sell us a baby.
- Think anybody'll believe we're married?
- They don't even believe we're partners.
Let's see if I understand you, Mr and Mrs Hammer.
You're asking for a fair
-haired, blue
-eyed boy, approximately six pounds, 11 ounces, Yeah, that's right.
You see, I won big at the race track yesterday.
I figured either I'd get a new sports car or a kid and then I decided on the kid because they need less attention.
- He's joking.
- Oh, no, hardly the case.
We realise the seriousness of the adoption procedure.
We just hope we're in the right place.
This is the right place for parents we deem eligible.
How's that for eligibility? Ought to make me Father Of The Year, right? Mr Hammer, we don't sell babies, we place them.
What he's trying to say is we'd like to try and expedite the usuaI screening period.
We're desperate to have a child and he can't father a child himself.
- You should be thankfuI for that.
- Lady, what is the matter with you? I got money comin' out of my ears and you are standing in the way of giving a kid a good home.
You ought to see my place.
I got everything.
I got a hot tub, a barbecue pit, a pooI table.
I have a large collection of adult videos and a Doberman that needs a playmate!
- What's the problem?
- Please leave now! The stewardess next door likes to sunbathe nude.
I need a tot to put on my shoulders to steady the binoculars Get out! I wouldn't place Lizzie Borden with you people! That's OK, I wouldn't take her.
I ordered a boy.
Thanks for your time.
- Did I make it clear I had money?
- This place is legitimate.
- Your stoolie's all wet.
- Take it easy.
You wanna walk home? Excuse me.
Mr and Mrs Hammer? I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with Miss Calder.
- Why's that?
- I was listening in.
If you two are really serious about getting a baby immediately um here's a name and number but it will cost.
You've answered our prayers.
Shall we pay you now or later? No, I never handle the money personally.
He'll come to your home.
But, please, remember to mention my name.
Margaret.
That way I'll get my commission.
Oh, don't worry, Margaret, you'll get what's coming to you.
All right, Doreau, please.
Come on, no.
You're invading my privacy, all right? I'm sorry, Sledge.
I couldn't help but notice the picture.
It's my first arrest.
You should've seen the one that got away.
We'd better hide it or the baby brokers will know we're cops.
This isn't what I expected.
It actually looks like a human being lives here.
Thanks, Doreau.
I can't believe I'm letting a common slimeball into my apartment.
Bad enough that you're here.
That must be that scum
-sucking stork now.
- Hello.
- Shut up.
Let's get down to business.
- Good.
I won't have to serve coffee.
- Sit down.
So you're the losers who ordered the fair
-haired, blue
-eyed rug rat? Yeah, that's right.
We want a WASP.
W
- A
-S
-P ASAP.
You got a bundle of cash, I got a bundle of joy.
Just like that? You're gonna leave a baby in our care?
- You don't know anything about us.
- OK, lady.
Er do you own a TV?
- Yes.
- Colour or black
-and
-white?
- Colour.
- Good enough for me.
ModeI parents.
- That'll be $50,000.
- $50,000 is a lot of money.
- Give us a little time to think it over?
- I thought you wanted a baby, baby!
- Hey, what's with these?
- Well.
.
er Actually it's.
.
er My husband and I like to play games.
- Keeps the marriage exciting.
- No wonder you want to buy a kid.
Listen, friend, we'd like to get our family started as soon as possible.
- Can I get that money to you tonight?
- Fine.
I'll call you turkeys tonight with the time and place.
Ciao.
You've got a nerve calling me here on such short notice.
- The hospitaI was swamped.
- Shut up about the stinkin' hospitaI.
If I hadn't risked my neck at that stinkin' hospitaI, you'd have no babies to sell.
Yeah, yeah.
I got a rush job for you.
I gotta get the Yates kid back.
I got clients who'll pay double for him.
He's got new owners! What am I supposed to do if they refuse? Repossess him! I don't give a damn what it takes, just get him back! I clearly see there's nothing remotely human about you.
- Well, that's why Mom liked me best.
- Not true! She hated us both.
Jeez.
It wasn't easy putting this kind of cash together on such short notice.
Know what happens if you lose this money? The Mayor has to skip lunch? The risk is worth it, Captain.
It's for the lives of innocent children.
Hammer, don't let this briefcase out of your sight for one second, understand? You've made your point, sir.
Hammer! The briefcase! How many times do you have to count it? It's all there.
$50,000.
We kept our end of the bargain.
How about yours? Don't push me, momma.
You'll have your baby soon enough.
In the meantime, want some refreshments? We got strained pears, strained prunes, apple sauce.
How about some pablum? We didn't come here to eat.
Let's just get this over with, hog
-breath.
Couldn't get the Yates kid back from the Cops! Oh, you fooI! They're police! Nurse Robbins.
I knew you were behind this.
- When did you figure it out?
- When you walked in just now.
She's mine, Hammer! We've gotta be quiet.
I don't want that scum to hear me.
My favourite target! A sitting duck! Face it, Nurse Robbins, you'll never get away from me.
Give yourself up right now.
You're finished, little lady! Yaahhh! So much for your pyramid scheme, huh? Why, you
- Get away from me, you witch!
- Ha ha ha! You call that a kick? By the time you mutants are out of jaiI, those kids'll be grandparents.
You're the most disgusting act since Donny and Marie.
- Where are those children?
- I wanna meet with my lawyer.
- Would you prefer to meet your maker?
- Lighten up.
You'll get 'em back.
- It's all in the files.
- Right, come on.
Hammer aren't you forgetting something? Oh, yeah.
We'll rough 'em up in the car.
No! The money.
Hammer Doreau In spite of my reservations about assigning one of you to this case, I'd like to commend you for recovering the babies.
You don't have to thank me.
I made a promise.
I couldn't have done it without Hammer's help.
Enough endorsement.
Excuse us, Captain.
We wanted to thank Detective Doreau and Inspector Hammer.
Inspector, we are so gratefuI.
We want to name our baby after you.
- What is your first name?
- Sledge.
- Sledge.
- Maybe we'll just send you a fruitcake.
- Right, honey?
- Yes.
Would you like to hold him?
- Oh, I know you would!
- These things make me uncomfortable.
- Honey, take a snap for our album!
- Smile! I'm uncomfortable! Get this kid outta town!