02x04 - Masquerade

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Well, Benson, what have you lost this time?

My patience.

Perhaps I have what you want.

Kraus, you ain't got nothing I want.

Even the guest list for the costume party?

Where did you get that? I told Marcy to leave this on my desk.

And I told her to give it to me.

Whatever ends up on that desk disappears forever.

In that case, hop aboard.

Benson, I've a complaint about the dinner.

I wasn't too crazy about breakfast.

I mean, the costume dinner for the Picoan ambassador.

Daddy just told me there's a $-a-plate donation.

So? Don't you think that's a little steep for one dinner?

That includes dessert.

No, Katie, the money is to help build a new hospital in Picoa.

Memo from Clayton, Benson.

I can tell. It's engraved.

So, Katie, have you decided on a costume for the party?

Pete wants me to wear the traditional costume of Picoa.

I think that might be fun.

Benson, they wear bananas on their heads.

Well, I wish I could decide what to wear.

You are wearing a costume? Well, sure.

I saw an author on David Hartman just this morning

who said it's a very healthy way to act out your fantasies.

I would never act out my fantasies in public.

I would never act out my fantasies in private.

Never? Don't push her, just thank her.

What about you, Benson? What are you wearing?

I'm gonna wear my blue suit with the beige shirt and a striped tie.

Read Clayton's memo. You'll find it very interesting.

"In keeping with the spirit of the evening,

"all house staff will be required

"to appear for work at the Picoan dinner in costume.

"P.S. You, too, Benson."

How nice! A personal touch.

Costumes? Well, what am I supposed to wear?

Why don't you leave town and come as a missing person?

Benson in? Unfortunately.

My name is Howard. I'm a friend of the gardener, Lou.

He's sick. Lou's sick?

Right. He asked me to fill in for him. Didn't he call?

[TELEPHONE RINGING] Excuse me.

Hello. Lou, what a surprise.

Listen, Benson, I can't make it today,

so I sent a friend over to work for me.

Yeah, he just got here.

What happened, Lou? Your grandma die again?

Oh, no, I'm just not feeling too good.

Well, stay put until it passes.

Oh, yes, I intend to. Bye.

Okay. Take it easy.

You know what to do. No problem.

Benson, I have made up my mind.

I am not going to dress up

like some funny, strange creature in weird clothes.

Yeah? Well, then you're just gonna have to get a costume.

Now, Ambassador Corzo is personally supervising

all the security arrangements. [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

You want to see me, Clayton?

Yeah, I'll be with you in a while, Benson.

Fine. I'll see you in a while.

No, wait, Benson.

We have great news about the party.

We're gonna bob for apples?

You know, that might be fun.

Governor. I'm sorry, Benson. Maybe next time.

What did you want to see me about, Clayton?

All right, Benson, what we are about to tell you

must remain strictly confidential.

Which means no press, no leaks until the right time.

Ambassador Corzo is being accompanied by...

The golden monkey.

And we don't want his wife to find out?

Oh, I think she knows.

The golden monkey! Isn't that great?

Is it housebroken?

For the benefit of the uninformed,

the golden monkey happens to be Picoa's national symbol,

a pre-Columbian statuette

and the island's most ancient and revered artifact.

Uh-huh.

The whole gizmo is made of gold and covered in precious jewels.

Benson, we're talking big coverage.

We're talking the "People" section of Time

and the "Time" section of P eople.

The ambassador is displaying the monkey at the party as a gesture of thanks.

And you, Benson, are to cooperate with the ambassador's people

and arrange for the proper display of the golden monkey.

We want to be sure that it gets the respect it deserves

during its stay with us.

I'll change the sheets in the guest room.

Uh. Governor, while we're talking about this party,

I'd like to discuss my costume.

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Don't tell me what you're coming as, Benson.

I will want to be surprised.

No, no, no, no, no, sir. I mean...

I think the staff could do a much better job working without costume.

Uh, uh... The costume party was the ambassador's idea.

Well, it was a bad one.

Yeah, but, see, the party coincides with Picoa's national festival.

I mean, costumes are traditional.

And I'm afraid unless everybody comes in costume,

the ambassador may take it as a sign of disrespect.

There will be no exceptions.

What's the monkey coming as, a chicken?

Besides, when do I have time to go looking for a costume?

Oh, don't worry, I'll get the costumes for the staff.

Yeah, thank you, Peter, I'll take care of my own.

I plan to wear something suitable to my character.

Who are going to get to be the front end?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

You heard me, Jake. The golden monkey.

And I'm getting you the exclusive.

This is big, Jake, real big.

We're talking gold. We're talking emeralds. We're talking rubies.

You name the stone, it's on this chimp.

Pete, there's a guy holding for you on line .

Yeah, I know. Remember, Jake,

this is an exclusive, just for you. Right.

Hello, Sam. Yeah, thanks for holding.

I got a hot exclusive for you. Yeah, just for you.

Would I lie to you, Sam?

Why not? You lied to Jake. Shh!

I hope the display case is ready.

Ambassador Corzo's on his way over with the golden monkey.

Which one of them's driving?

Well, I've been reading all about it. It's just fantastic.

Did you know that money is pounds of solid gold?

Mmm. That could fill a lot of teeth.

It's worth a lot of money. So is my dentist.

Yes, uh, right this way, Mr. Ambassador. Thank you.

Oh, uh, sir, I'd like you to meet

Governor Gatling's executive secretary, Marcy Hill,

a most reliable and hardworking member of our staff.

My pleasure. Oh, no, no, sir. It's her pleasure.

Yeah, and this is Peter Downey,

the Governor's press representative.

He's highly experienced, extremely dedicated.

How nice to meet you.

And this gentleman...

This is Benson.

Benson? He set up the display.

What a privilege to meet you.

In my country, only the most respected officers

are allowed to touch the shrine of the golden monkey.

Mr. Ambassador, I can't tell you

what a thrill it is to have such a famous treasure at this mansion.

We've heard so much about it.

And you shall not be disappointed.

Words cannot describe the beauty of our sacred golden monkey.

I hope he brought the sacred vacuum cleaner.

Ready? Yes.

Well?

What do you think?

Uh-huh.

Well, it certainly is the most pre-Columbian thing I've ever seen.

I don't think I've ever seen a monkey so short.

Oh, what... What can I say?

That... That's a monkey, all right.

Thank you.

It is a true work of art.

I've won better-looking things knocking over three milk bottles.

Kraus, tell your people we need more meatballs.

Yeah, they are on the stove.

Who are you supposed to be?

Heidi.

Well, it doesn't "hide-y" enough.

Well, don't blame me. Pete picked out the costume.

Besides, you don't look so hot.

I never saw a black pirate before.

That's because they're all below deck, playing basketball.

Gretchen, we're out of meatballs.

Coming up.

Do you believe this costume?

What's wrong with that costume?

It itches.

I can't dance, I can't sit down,

and no one talks to me, 'cause I blend into the drapes.

Isn't anyone here working?

The ambassador has requested more Picoan meatballs.

Why? Don't he have enough on his staff?

Clayton, that is a magnificent costume.

Costume?

This happens to be a family heirloom,

first worn by a distant cousin in the th century.

Did he ever wear it to Yankee Stadium?

'Cause there's a big mustard stain on the front.

Oh, no!

I can't go back out there looking like this!

Sure you can. Wear a mask.

Clayton, I will clean it for you.

Come with me to the laundry room.

Hell of a price to pay for same-day service, huh?

Boy, I must have eaten meatballs.

Hey, you guys aren't still angry about the costumes, are you?

I don't know what you're complaining about.

This hat smells like a buffalo roamed in it.

Hello? Yes.

Tell your man I'm dressed as a pirate.

They like Kraus' meatballs,

no wonder they worship a monkey.

Hi, Benson. Well, hello, sugar. [CHUCKLES]

How are you? Fine.

Except when the people think my hat's the dessert tray.

[LAUGHS]

I thought you weren't gonna wear that Picoan costume.

Pete said it's my civic duty.

Frankly, Benson, I feel used.

[CHUCKLES]

Isn't it about time you were heading for bed?

Just one more mingle, okay? All right.

Excuse me. Wait a minute.

You're the substitute gardener.

Get out of here, you lousy freeloader.

Out! Hello.

So honored you could come. Out!

How do you do? Nice to see you.

You're looking good, Governor.

Oh, well, you think so? Uh-huh.

I picked it out myself. Can you tell who I am?

Are you on a dollar bill?

I don't think so. Did you lose one?

Never mind.

Have you seen a dollar bill?

The road has many turns.

You talking to me?

The road has many turns.

Well, drive carefully.

You are the pirate? Right.

You want to take the cash or go for what's behind door number three?

I am Alonzo. Alonzo?

I would have guessed bozo.

So, my pirate friend, you are ready?

Yo-ho-ho!

You made all the arrangements?

Yeah, but Pete picked these costumes.

The monkey is beautiful, no?

No.

So, everything is according to plan?

Yeah, well, it seems smooth to me.

Good. Perhaps no one will have to die.

Yeah, well, that could put a damper on the party.

Sometimes, it is necessary to k*ll for the revolution.

Revolution? Shh!

Governor, I'm just telling you what the man told me.

His exact words were...

[IN SPANISH ACCENT] "Sometimes, it is necessary to k*ll for the revolution."

Revolution?

Oh, Clayton, have we fallen that far in the polls?

Sir, I am sure this is just another case of Benson overreacting.

Oh, really? Well, what do you want me to do with that clown in the living room?

[KNOCK ON DOOR] Come in.

Excuse me, Governor. We've got a problem.

We caught this man climbing through a window, carrying this g*n.

A burglar? I am afraid it is more than that.

He wears the tattoo of the scorpion,

a violent revolutionary group from my island.

They are here, undoubtedly, to steal the golden monkey.

Oh, one of them violent revolutionary groups with no taste.

Yeah, why would anybody want to steal that?

It is priceless.

It could finance their whole revolution.

Clayton, call General what's-his-name at the National Guard.

That will not stop us.

We are all prepared to die. How many of you are?

Are you asking for a show of hands?

These people are fanatics.

We shall find another way to solve the problem.

What problem?

We just tell them, "Hey, we b*rned the pot roast.

"We're going out for Chinese."

They leave, we ship the monkey out on the next plane.

You think we are fools?

Any change in the plans, the sh**ting will start.

All right, mister.

I want the names and addresses of all of your associates.

You won't get anything out of him. Take him away.

Guard, be sure to keep him out of sight.

We don't want to tip our hand.

Obviously, that hoodlum was to be recognized only by his costume.

That's why they approached Benson.

They're both wearing pirate's costumes. Well, I'll fix that.

Benson, you must continue the charade

until we find out how many revolutionaries there are.

You talking to me? You're the only one.

Why? Because they know you.

They've already made contact with you.

You must find out exactly how many rebels are at the party.

Did I miss something? When did I volunteer?

Benson, you are the only one who can do it, I'm afraid.

You're afraid?

[WHISPERING] Benson. Yeah?

Whatever I say, don't scream.

Stick 'em up! [BOTH SCREAM]

Just a joke. I'm just kidding around.

Clayton told me all about the plot.

The plot? BOTH: Shh!

And I spotted someone I think could be part of it.

Where is he? He's over there. Don't look now.

He's the guy wearing the priest costume.

He looks very suspicious. You look very suspicious.

He's got "revolution" written all over him.

The nerve! Impersonating a priest.

Marcy, that's not a costume. That's Father O'Malley.

Father O'Malley is plotting something?

Get him out of here!

Come on, Tex. I'll fill you in.

Fool!

You're supposed to be by the door.

Give me a head start, and I'll be through it.

That comes later.

First, we must proceed with point C.

Point C? Si.

Already? My, how time flies.

In one hour, we will create the diversion

and seize the monkey. Good.

So, uh, listen, you want me to check on the rest of us?

That's not your job.

Yeah, I know, but I just want to make sure

that what's-his-name don't chicken out.

What's his name? Yeah, a little short guy, moustache.

That's me. Oh.

Well, I mean, the tall guy, No moustache.

Pedro, he's here. Yeah, yeah, good, Pedro, yeah.

Yeah, well, that's me, you, Pedro, and...

And all the others. And all the others.

Yeah, I'm just a little confused

because there are so many of us, aren't there?

There are as many as planned.

That many? Huh.

No one called in sick? Of course not.

Oh, well, since everybody showed up, um,

won't we be a little crowded in the, um, bus?

Bus? Truck?

What truck? For the getaway.

Brainless one, we'll make our escape in the station wagon.

Oh, a station wagon. Is that an economy wagon?

I'm sick of your stupid questions.

I will meet you at the golden monkey in an hour or I will box your ears!

Yeah, you and, how many other guys?

So, they are planning an escape in a station wagon.

Okay, that would mean they could comfortably seat a family of six.

I don't think they brought their kids.

You know, when I was in college, we squeezed into a Packard.

And if they all were in clown costumes,

well, one time in the circus, I saw... Sir. Sir!

I think we can safely say we have no idea how many there are.

And we are running out of time.

So, what do we do?

I have a plan. I don't like it.

You don't even know what it is. Am I in it?

Yes. Then I don't like it.

What's your plan, Ambassador?

Benson returns to the party as our decoy.

"Decoy?" The term is "sitting duck."

Thank you. Sitting duck.

But this time, he will be ready

for those bloodthirsty ducks.

The term is "dogs."

"Sitting dogs?"

Good night and good luck.

Benson, can't you at least listen?

I stopped listening after "bloodthirsty ducks."

We will b*at them at their own game, Benson.

We will switch the real golden monkey

for this replica!

Hey, that's terrific. You like it?

It was to be my country's gift to your state.

Oh, well, this is remarkable.

It's just as heavy as the real thing.

It's just as shiny as the real thing.

It's just as ugly as the real thing.

Um, Clayton, you will turn off the lights for a few moments.

Benson, you will make a switch in the darkness.

Oh, I see. That way, when the revolutionaries take the monkey,

they'll be stealing a copy.

Ingenious, Ambassador. I'm most impressed.

If you like it so much, why don't you do it?

Because I'm management, and you're labor.

Benson, you're behaving like a coward.

In my country, we laugh at death.

We ain't in your country.

He's right.

Nevertheless, sir, it is a good plan.

But is it fair to ask Benson to risk his life?

No! ALL: Yes.

Benson, the decision is entirely up to you. Oh, come on.

But just remember, many lives depend on this.

It's a decision many brave men have had to make,

men like Crispus Attucks, Nathan Hale, Davy Crockett.

And they all had one thing in common.

Yeah, they're all dead.

It's about time, burrobrain.

The revolution is no excuse for rudeness.

You know what you're supposed to do?

Of course, I know what I'm supposed to do,

but let's just go over it, anyway.

We will turn off the lights and make the switch.

There's an original idea.

Guava face, you stand by the display.

When the lights go off,

you take the replica and make the switch.

I make the switch? That is the plan.

Listen, I was never crazy about that plan.

You will make the switch.

Don't we have another plan? Or you will die.

Then we only have two plans.

Now, get to the display and stay there.

The display is this way, coconut head.

Uh, you know, you know, when this thing is over,

me and you are gonna have to have a little talk.

You know what I'm saying?

[GUESTS EXCLAIMING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

The monkey is gone.

Something must have gone wrong. I never touched the lights.

Nobody move! [SCREAMING]

Please, everyone, just do exactly what they say,

and I'm sure no one will get hurt.

These meatballs are good.

Golden monkey. Where is it?

I've got it right here.

Give it to me. Keep your shirt on. Here.

Catch. [ALL GASP]

MAN: That's not gold!

This is the replica.

Maybe you are thinking of going into business for yourself.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're just in time for my going-out-of-business sale.

Here you go. [VOICE BREAKING] The sacred monkey.

Valuable statue, no? It almost cost you your life.

Come on, hands up! Move it! [ALL GASP]

Get out! Come on! Move it!

Benson, you should have d*ed before giving it to them.

I almost d*ed while giving it to them.

Well, Benson, thanks to your incompetence,

an entire revolution has been financed.

I can see it now.

"Governor's blunder bankrolls revolt."

Wait a minute, you guys. You can't condemn Benson.

He did what any man would do when faced with the choice of

saving his own life or a fortune in gold and precious jewels.

So he blew it. So what?

Is that the end of your defense?

Now that you've all had your say,

will someone please take custody

of the real golden monkey?

Oh! How did you do it, Benson?

Well, they gave me a replica to switch, too,

but the lights weren't off long enough,

so I only had time to slip the real one into the punch.

So you gave them the other replica. Right.

Benson, how can I ever thank you?

Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes.

[LAUGHS]

That it? Uh-huh.

Nice work, kid.

I don't know why everyone is treating you like a hero.

If you had switched the statues as you were supposed to,

none of this would have happened.

You ruined the whole party.

You know, I think I threw the wrong monkey into the punch.

I just talked to Lou the gardener on the phone, Governor.

They almost scared him to death but he's gonna be all right.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

Ambassador Corzo was just here.

The police caught the revolutionaries at the airport.

Good. But he insisted on

leaving us this replica as a gift.

Bad. It is ugly, isn't it?

In a word, yes.

I don't want to sound ungrateful

but I wish I could think of some tactful way to get rid of it.

You know, sometimes, these cheap, gaudy,

easy-to-break plastic statues

are sometimes sitting too close to the edge of the desk.

Yeah, go on.

And then, somebody comes along rather indecently

in his jacket, it catches on, and it topples...

Oh, I see, you mean, like this?

Didn't break.

Yeah, looks like we got the real one.

Worth hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Twelve pounds of solid gold.

Something to think about.

Oh, maybe I better call Ambassador Corzo and return it.

Well, there's only one thing wrong with that, sir. What's that?

He'll just send us another one.

BOTH: We'll send it back.