02x11 - Big Buddy

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

What is this meeting all about?

Benson may be able to sit around here all day

but I cannot, my time is carefully budgeted.

So is your charm.

The Governor just said to get everybody together, it's a mystery to me.

Perhaps he is going to give us all a raise.

I don't think so, Gretchen.

You know how he's been trying to cut down on spending.

Mmm, every time Congress decides to cut down on spending

the first thing they do is give themselves a raise.

No, Peter, really the minute the Governor to me, I knew it had to be your idea.

Well, thanks. It ranks right up there with

"Gee, Mr. President, why don't we tape everything you say in the Oval Office."

The Governor said it's the best idea I've ever come up with.

I'm thinking big trouble.

Good morning, everybody.

Hello, Governor. Morning, sir.

I called this meeting this morning because Pete here

has come up with an idea that is a real lalapalooza,

and it's going to involve each and every one of us.

It's worse than I thought.

I am declaring a "charity begins at home" month.

Mm-hmm.

It'll begin right here in the mansion,

and we'll set an example for the entire state.

Pete has asked me to be chairman of this drive,

and all of us are going to devote some of our time

to charitable work.

Now, how does that grab you?

Ah...

They love it, sir.

Do you really like it, Benson?

Oh, yes, sir, it solves a real big problem for me.

You see, I had minutes a week I didn't know what to do with.

Oh, good.

Sir, I think it's a noble and a compassionate idea,

but who has the time for it?

Time is a problem, sir.

Well, we'll all have to make some sacrifices,

but it's only for a few hours a day,

a couple of days a week...

For a month.

Now, Pete has written the names of some charities on cards,

and each of us will pick a card from this hat.

I keep the hat in my desk for sentimental reasons.

It's the hat I tossed into the ring.

An elephant named "Bongo" stepped on it.

He could have done worse.

All right, everybody. Pick a card.

Last time I picked a name from a hat,

I wound up in a closet with Big Bertha Watson.

Like being kissed by an industrial vacuum cleaner.

Oh, no.

I'm supposed to help the cook at the retirement home.

Now, what do I know about cooking?

Never stopped Kraus.

I have to work at the animal shelter.

Perhaps they need somebody who can mingle.

Gretchen, you want to trade?

Oh, thank you.

I am supposed to sit on the planning committee for the clothing drive.

Hot dog!

And I'm collecting for the United Fund.

What in the world's a "Big Buddy?"

It's like the Big Brother program.

It provides part-time companionship for kids.

You mean, I just volunteered to become a babysitter.

No, it's more like a substitute father.

Well, sir, I have been a substitute father for five brothers and sisters.

Well, only for a few weeks, Benson

till I can come up with a permanent volunteer.

Mm-hmm. Marcy, you want to trade?

Do I look like a substitute father?

No, you're right. Kraus, you want to trade?

Man, this really bites.

"Box seats," he says. "Behind home plate," he says.

"But I can't find the tickets," he says.

Michael, you must try very hard

not to constantly annoy and irritate people.

Because no matter how reasonable and understanding

those people may be, you may cause them to lose their tempers.

If you got something to say, say it.

Back off!

Back off?

I'd like to back out of this whole thing, Big Buddy.

That's an idea.

Why don't you talk to your mother about it?

I already did.

She says somebody's got to watch me while she's working.

And there wasn't a SWAT Team available, hmm?

Now, let's see.

I had those tickets when I was on the phone.

Now, where can they be?

Maybe you left them with your brains.

If you did, you better look in a small place.

How would you like to be slam-dunked into the sink?

Is that any way to talk to an underprivileged kid?

You're not an underprivileged kid.

Anybody that can dish it out the way you can, better be able to take it.

You know what they should name this program? "Big Bully."

Come on, Michael. Why don't we call a truce?

Do yourself a favor, give it a chance.

Okay. But they didn't have to stick me with an old man.

And how old are you, son? Nine.

Would you like to see ?

Is that what your idea of "child psychology?"

What do you study in school, besides lip?

We study Math, you know,

things like, how many tickets do you have left,

if you have two tickets and you lose two tickets?

You two are going to be late for the ball game.

Don't forget these, Benson.

They won't let you in without them.

I might have known you'd have these, Kraus. Where did you find these?

Well, you carelessly left them lying around on your desk,

where any dummy might have picked them up.

And a dummy did.

Thanks, Miss Kraus.

Now, do you think you can find the ball park?

This is just what I need in my life at this time.

A nine-year-old Benson.

Come on.

I hope you enjoy the game, Michael.

I doubt it. I hate baseball.

Well, I don't.

But if this game goes into extra innings, I'll sh**t myself.

Is that a promise?

On the way to the ball park, I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind.

Can you spare it?

Such a nice little boy.

How often do you go to the retirement home, Gretchen?

Two afternoons a week.

Oh, really? I just go to the animal shelter on Saturdays.

You know, some of the puppies have gotten to know me already.

They lick my face and they jump all over me.

You should tell them to "sit!"

That's what I do at the retirement home.

Hey, Marcy, how's it going? Hello, Benson.

I was just telling Gretchen about the animal shelter.

Why, is she looking for a room?

I thought you were supposed to be taking care of the boy.

Who, mighty mouth?

He's out in the shop.

I showed him how to build a birdhouse.

You know, Benson, I really have to congratulate you.

You've done quite a job with him in the last couple of weeks.

He's not nearly as difficult as he used to be.

Yeah, it is a surprise,

considering the way Benson talks to him.

Oh, Gretchen, he's really very fond of Mike.

Aren't you, Benson? Not really.

Benson. No, no, no. I was just serious.

Clayton's looking for you, Marcy.

He's got some notes he wants you to type up. Okay.

You're gonna be at the animal shelter on Saturday, right? Right.

Good, because I got a photographer coming over.

Your picture's gonna be in the Sunday supplement.

My picture? Yeah.

And it's gonna hit 'em right in the heartstrings.

Get this. You holding a fawn with a broken leg.

Pete, we just have dogs and cats at the animal shelter.

Hmm... Okay. We'll fake it.

We'll get a puppy and put his paw in a sling.

Hey, look what I did.

Ooh!

Hey, Mike, not bad.

It's sort of gross, isn't it?

I think I just made slum housing for birds.

Are you kidding me?

There's not a robin in town

that wouldn't be proud to turn that into a condo.

Don't jive me, Benson.

He isn't, Mike. It really is great.

Yeah, it is good, Michael.

I never made anything before.

Benson showed me how to do it.

Well, Mike, it's almost :.

Time to get rid of me, right?

Unless you want to give your mother a break and eat with me.

Wonderful! We have plenty.

No, I was thinking we'd go out for pizza.

I can't afford no pizza! It's on me.

On you? Then let's have prime rib.

What kind of sandwich shall I pack for you, Benson?

Swiss cheese or roast beef? Roast beef.

You want mustard? You know I hate mustard.

Okay, lunch is ready.

You can call Katie undMichael.

[IMMITATING KRAUS' ACCENT] Katie undMichael!

Benson, Benson.

I need you to help realign this week's schedule.

I have the afternoon off. [LAUGHING]

Correction, you had the afternoon off.

The Governor's been called to an emergency Senate meeting.

This evening's reception has to be re-slotted later in the week.

The rest of the week is full.

Well, I'm sure you'll think of something.

I was supposed to take Katie and Michael to the zoo.

They'll get over it.

Personally, I always hated being dragged to the zoo when I was a child.

I particularly dreaded the monkey house.

The stench would make a spy talk.

Are you ready, Benson?

Ah, hello, children.

Uncle Benson has something to tell you.

What do you have to tell us? It's about the zoo.

Here it comes.

There's a problem. We're not going.

Yes, we are. But not today.

I just had a load of work dumped on me.

I heard that cop-out before.

No, no, no. One day next week, we'll get an early start

and be there before the zoo opens, okay?

No. No.

Well, I'm sorry, kids.

I'll just have to give you a rain check.

Who are you trying to con, Benson?

You don't want to go. Yes, I do, Mike.

I especially want you to see the bears. Why?

Because you'll get a kick out of the way

the cubs crawl all over the father bear.

They bite him and they scratch him,

and he just lies there and takes it until he's had enough.

And then he takes that big paw

and swats one of them into the parking lot.

I think there's a message in there somewhere.

Tell you what. I'll have Dominic drive you

down to the shopping mall for ice cream.

Who's Dominic?

Oh, he's the Governor's chauffeur.

Get yourselves a couple of triple-scoop sundaes.

Pig out! All right!

Look, I got to go. Here.

Kraus, round up Dominic, will you?

Wait a minute, Benson.

What am I going to do with all this lunch?

Kraus, you can take that Swiss cheese and mustard sandwich and eat it yourself.

But we've been separated a long time, Jeanine.

I expect you to start dating.

Why not give it a chance? Dentists make a lot of money.

Of course he does. But you'll get used to that. All dentists have bad breath.

Come on, Jeanine, what? So he's a little dull.

You two should get along beautifully.

Hello?

Phew. You finish the schedule?

Yeah, but it took all afternoon.

It's too bad you missed the zoo.

Hey, that Mikey is he one sweet little kid?

Yeah, he is very sweet. What, you don't like him?

I didn't say that. Good, because there's a newspaper story here.

I can see the headline now. What headline?

Well, I can see the caption,

"Governor's Aide Befriends Orphan."

Mike's not an orphan. He lives with his mother.

Yeah, I know, but that's too long for a caption.

Hello! I am back from the old persons' home.

Did you miss me? Every moment.

Well, I know I'm late.

I stayed to read to them after lunch.

But they didn't like Heidi.

What did they want you to read? "The House of Lust."

Hey, hey, top brass.

Hello, Dominic. Not from the carton!

Hey, don't worry I'm not gonna drink it all.

Ugh.

Hey, Benson, somebody ought to straighten out those kids.

They're making me look bad.

What are you talking about?

I parked right in front of the ice-cream joint,

and I'm waiting forever when, luckily, this blonde drops in.

Drops into the limousine?

So, I'm putting my best moves on this chick

when something in my head says, "No, Dom, the kids.

"Where are the kids?"

Where are the kids? I'm getting to that.

So, I go back into the store, and the kids aren't there.

Now I go back to the limo, and the chick's not there.

You can understand why I'm a little peeved.

They shouldn't have come back here without me.

They didn't come back here, Dominic.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Yeah, this is Benson.

They found the kids.

Lucky for you, Dominic.

What happened?

I'll be right there.

That was Layne's department store.

They're holding Mike and Katie for shoplifting.

Come on.

That's right.

She's downstairs casing appliances.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come in.

Daddy!

He mustn't know I'm the Governor's daughter,

so pretend you're my father.

Keep an eye on her and get back to me.

I'm Benson.

Ralph Grunning, store security.

You're her father?

Her mother must be very fair.

Yeah, practically translucent.

Perhaps I should tell you I am a humorless man, okay?

I caught these two kids pilfering merchandise.

Is that true?

What does "pilfering" mean?

It means we ripped them off.

She didn't take anything. I did.

Katie didn't even know I had it.

But I was with you, Mike.

If you take the fall, so do I.

Uh, look, Mr. Grunning,

I, uh, am playing his Big Buddy for the month,

and I work for her father.

I'm responsible for both of them.

Then you should know shoplifting is a major crime in this country.

An article is stolen every six seconds.

The losses run into the billions per year. Billions!

What did you take? Jewelry, watches, what?

This.

"Disco Chicken?"

They were caught leaving the store with it.

"Disco Chicken?"

Mr. Grunning, we're talking about kids here.

Yeah, kids who steal and parents who look the other way.

You know what I think? When a kid commits a crime,

the adult responsible for that kid should go to jail for it.

[CHUCKLES] Well, sir, I ain't doing no time for no "Disco Chicken."

Look, sir, I realize how serious this is.

It's never happened before, and it's not gonna happen again. Right?

BOTH: [WHISPERING] Right.

I can't hear you.

Right. Right.

Okay. I'm gonna let you go.

Thank you, sir.

You're lucky they got caught.

If they hadn't, they'd have tried it again and got in real trouble.

[TELEPHONE RINGING] Excuse me.

[CLEARS THROAT] Hello?

You caught her? Good! I'll be right there.

I had my eye on that woman. I knew she wasn't pregnant.

Uh, Mr. Grunning,

you mind if I nip this right in the bud and talk to the kids here?

Go right ahead.

Thanks for getting us off the hook, Benson.

You're not off the hook.

I want you downstairs in the car with Dominic.

I'm gonna have a few words with Mike.

Hang in there, Mike.

Get over there.

Now, why'd you go and do a dumb thing like this?

I'm a music lover!

What did I tell you about wising off?

Hey, you tell me lots of things.

Like what?

Like we're going to the zoo and all that jazz.

Mike, I had work to do. Sure, you did.

You sound like somebody else I know. Who?

Forget it. Who?

My old man. What about your father?

Hey, he stopped being my father when he left my mother.

I never even see him anymore since he got married again.

That doesn't mean he's not thinking about you, Mike. Doesn't he call you?

Sure, and he always promises he's gonna come and see me, but he doesn't.

You'd think it was my fault.

Think what was your fault?

[VOICE BREAKING] That we're not a family anymore.

It's not my fault, is it, Benson?

[SOBBING]

"Disco Chicken," you say? Huh.

Yes, sir. [CHUCKLES]

It's one of those...

Oh, I know it.

[SINGING] Disco, Disco Chicken.

[CLUCKS]

Yeah, well, what I can't figure out

is why Mike would take that record in the first place.

He doesn't have a record player. It doesn't make any sense.

I have a story that might shed a little light on this matter.

Somehow I knew you would.

Back at the mill, some of the work was seasonal,

and we'd hire temporary help,

and they wouldn't be around long enough

for us to get to know them.

This one fella started coming to work

in a raccoon hat with a tail in the back.

That's where you usually find them.

That's why they call them tails.

That's right. But this tail didn't hang down.

See, he put a wire in it

so it stood right straight up in the air like this.

He took a terrible ribbing.

I don't know why.

We'd all say, "Here comes old Lou Baker,

"wagging his tail above him."

[CHUCKLES]

Well, good night, sir.

Oh, Benson, I haven't gotten to the good part.

That's not it, huh?

So, I went up to him and I said,

"Tell me, Lou, why do you wear that silly hat?"

And he said to me,

"Every day when I come to work,

"I hear somebody say,

'Here comes old Lou Baker wagging his tail above him,'

"which is fine with me,

"because until I started wearing that silly hat,

"nobody knew my name."

Oh. You mean he took the record because he wanted attention.

No.

Lou never took anything, except long lunch hours.

But that's about it, as far as I know.

Oh, you mean Mike!

Oh...

Exactly.

Oh.

You know, for a minute there, Benson,

I thought you'd missed the point of my story.

Well, good night, sir.

Oh. Good night, Benson. Thank you for the story.

Oh, any time that I can help, just ask me.

Yes, I'm expecting him.

Mike's father's here.

Ah, have someone escort him to the kitchen entrance, please.

Thank you.

I'll tell Mike he's here.

Hey, Kraus.

Oh, say, Peter,

is it true you are sending a photographer

to take a picture of Marcy at the animal shelter?

Yep, all set.

Did you ever consider sending your photographer

to the retirement home?

What for? He's only .

Well, how much money have you raised for the United Fund?

Well, I didn't have time to go door-to-door,

so I'm sending them a very generous contribution.

Oh, well, that's nice.

I sure hope my ex-wife thinks so.

It's her alimony check.

Hey, excuse me. [GASPING]

Oh, you are Michael's father? What's this all about?

Benson will be with you in a minute.

Sit, sit.

Hey, Benson. [WHISTLING]

That's him.

Hello, Mr. Hopkins. Where's Mike?

He'll be along in a minute.

I wanted to talk to you first.

Okay. What's he done this time?

What makes you think he's done anything?

Well, if he hasn't, why was I summoned to the Governor's mansion?

Hey, look, I punched out early from work.

I hope you didn't call me over here

for any of this guidance-counselor stuff.

The only reason I called you over here at all

was because I didn't know what else to do.

I got dragged into this thing with Mike,

and it's time for me to get out.

Yeah, I'll go along with that.

This whole Big Buddy thing is just another way

for his mother to take a shot at me.

And that woman... Sir, please, I don't want to hear about it.

Hey, you're the substitute for the absent father.

You should know why the father's absent.

I work a double shift, man. I got two families to support.

Everybody's on my back.

My wife is after me to spend more time with the step kids.

Mike's mother says I don't spend enough time with him.

But when I went over there, she was always putting me down in front of the kid,

so I go back at her.

And we end up in a fight in front of him.

That's no good for him to see.

Well, you better work out something.

'Cause when you stay away from her, you stay away from him.

I don't need you to tell me that.

It's tearing me apart, man.

You think I don't love that kid?

I'm sure you do, sir.

And I sympathize with you,

but I got to sympathize with Mike more.

Somehow he thinks that

he's responsible for the breakup of your marriage.

That's crazy.

He's the only reason we stayed together as long as we did.

He's a good kid.

Maybe somebody better tell him that

before he gets into real trouble.

So he has done something?

Yeah.

It was just 'cause he's bright.

He knows that's the only time he gets to see you.

Mike. Hi, Dad.

Sit down.

Benson and I have been having a little talk.

He told you about me taking the record?

No. Then why are you here?

'Cause you're here.

'Cause I thought maybe you'd like to go for a ride or something.

I finally got around to trading in that old car

on a brand-new pickup truck.

Four wheel drive? The whole shot.

Great! Then let's find a mountain!

[CHUCKLES] Why not?

Hey, Benson?

Do you mind if I take this guy off your hands?

Sooner, the better.

Don't mind him. It's his nap time.

Just a minute, Mike.

Benson...

Thank you, man. It's my pleasure, man.

You got a great little boy there.

See you, Benson.

Hey, Benson.

You're not as bad as I thought you were.

I heard it all, Benson.

You surprise me.

I never realized that, way down deep,

you are a real softie.

You know, Kraus, that's the nicest thing

you've said to me in a long time.

I hate softies.

Here, Benson.

Mike stopped by yesterday. He forgot it was your day off.

What? This is from Mike?

Hey, Kraus, this is from Mike. [CHUCKLES]

Well, look at it. This is that birdhouse I helped him make.

You know what this meant to him?

What does the card say?

"Dear Benson,

"I thought you might wanna kept this.

"Giddles."

Giddles?

"Besides." Ah!

"Besides, my father showed me how to make a better one."

Such a nice little boy.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]