02x16 - Clayton, Go Home

[bunniefuu]

[OPENING THEME PLAYING]

Morning, Kraus. How you doing?

Oh, I'm tired, Benson.

I had a nightmare last night,

and I couldn't get back to sleep.

Did you ever have a dream where you were frightened

by something and you tried to run away,

but your legs wouldn't move?

Yeah, the whole time I was in the army.

Well, last night, I dreamed that I fell into a pit of alligators.

You can guess what happened next.

They tried to run away, but their legs wouldn't move.

Morning. Morning, Marcy.

Morning, Marcy. What time did you get out of here last night?

Sometime after nine.

I still haven't finished typing up Clayton's memos to the staff.

Oh, that reminds me!

Clayton sent me a memo about keeping the lids on the garbage cans.

Good grief. If the man doesn't let up soon,

I'll have to get a bigger waste basket.

Well, he hasn't stopped dictating since he got that dumb tape recorder.

I'm practically chained to my typewriter.

Marcy! [WHIMPERING]

I thought You'd be at your desk.

She tunneled out when you weren't looking.

Speaking of desks, Benson, I've been meaning to talk to you about yours.

Oh, do you like it? CLAYTON: Hmm...

Obviously, you didn't get my memo on neatness.

I got it. I just can't find it.

Put out a memo regarding the disregarding of memos.

Now see what you did? Now, I don't like to pull rank, Benson,

but I am the chief of staff, and I would hope to see this desk in order by :.

Then you better get started on it.

Now, Benson, surely you're bright enough to realize

that you are perilously close to defying a direct order.

Close? I thought I was right on the money.

Would you care to repeat that so I can play it back for the Governor?

Why? Is he bored with his Doobie Brothers records?

Memo to the Governor. Oh, Clayton, give me a break, would you?

If you have something to say to the Governor,

why don't you just go in and talk to him?

Memo to the Governor concerning my luncheon meeting with Richmond Airlines.

Oh, Clayton, there you are. Yeah, I'll be right with you, sir.

I'm just in the midst of... Oh, yeah, I'll do that later, sir.

I wanted to remind you, you're having lunch with Richmond Airlines today,

and I want you to tell them from me that my position is unchanged,

that I'm moving ahead with that noise-abatement bill.

I'll tell them, sir.

Memo to myself.

Reiterate Governor's position on noise pollution.

If the Governor wants to stop noise pollution,

he should get rid of Clayton's tape recorder.

If he wants to stop air pollution, he should get rid of Clayton.

Look, sir, I don't want you to make a big thing out of this,

now I can handle it myself!

Pete, I can't afford any friction between key members of my staff!

Now the sooner the air's clear, the better.

I got here as soon as I could, sir.

Oh, it's not all that important, Benson.

Why don't we just forget it?

Forget what?

Pete has leveled a rather serious allegation, Benson.

Not really. It just came out that way.

He's accused you of letting the air out of his tires.

Is that true? Yes, sir.

All four tires?

Yes, sir.

And the spare!

There wasn't all that much air in the spare tire, anyway.

Why do you suppose you did that, Benson?

Well, sir, I gave him my word and I wouldn't wanna go back on it.

No, no, no, you shouldn't. But what did Pete do to make you live up to your agreement?

Well, I've been parking my car in his space, sir.

Ah, how often?

Every chance he gets!

It's closer to the door.

And I'm in and out a lot. I see.

Well, Benson, why don't you park in Pete's place?

I don't wanna.

Besides his space is under a tree, and birds live in that tree.

They have an interesting way of saying, "Hi, there."

Excuse me for barging in, sir,

but Marcy told me you were here with Benson,

so I knew it couldn't be too important.

An extraordinary thing happened at lunch.

You picked up the check?

The representative from Richmond Airlines tried to bribe me.

Bribe you to do what?

To influence you not to sign the noise-abatement bill.

Oh, this is big.

Are you sure it was a bribe attempt?

Sir, he showed me the money.

Did you take it?

Don't be silly, Benson. What do you take me for?

An amateur.

Without the cash, you've got no evidence.

Yes, but I have this. [CHUCKLES]

You see, when I realized what our friend from Richmond Airlines

was leading up to, I surreptitiously hit the record button.

You mean you have the bribe on tape?

I do, sir. Exhibit A.

Well, I don't know whether this is admissible in court,

but set up a meeting with the attorney general for :

and give him that, and I want to be there.

Sir. Come on, Pete.

We'll be late for that press conference. Fine, sir.

Maybe we can stop and pick up a tire pump on the way back.

Set up meeting with attorney general.

Well, well. I'm impressed. Nice work, Clayton.

What did you say? I said, "Nice work, Clayton."

Benson, you cannot imagine what those words mean to me.

Not just that you were able to bring yourself to say them,

but that I was able to record them.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton. Thank you, Benson.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.

Oh, thank you so much, Benson.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton. Oh, you're such a nice man.

Marcy, you got those payroll records ready yet?

Not yet. Hang on a second.

Hey, have you seen the paper? Look at this.

"Governor's aide grounds Richmond Airlines."

Says here the attorney general has scheduled Clayton to testify on the th.

That's a terrible picture of Clayton.

Yeah, it looks just like him.

Good morning, everyone!

I take it you've seen the paper.

Yes, along with a quarter of a million other fortunate people.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Governor's office.

Yes, he is. Just a minute.

It's for you, Mr. Humble. Ah, they're calling already. [CHUCKLES]

Clayton Endicott here. What? What?

Who is this? Hello?

[SCOFFS] Hung up.

MARCY: Who was it?

I don't know. He said something about Miami being

a beautiful and safe place to be,

especially on the th Of the month.

The th is the day you're supposed to testify, Clayton.

Sounds like they made you an offer they don't want you to refuse.

Uh-oh! We're talking thr*at here.

We're talking cement overshoes.

We're talking, "So long, Stoolie."

[CHUCKLING] Oh, really.

I wouldn't laugh this off, Clayton.

Till you find out who that was,

you better have Pete start your car in the morning.

Right. What?

Wait a minute. You guys are putting him on, aren't you?

Look, you don't know who Clayton is up against.

Richmond Airlines.

PETE: Yeah, but who owns Richmond?

National Unified, a legitimate corporation,

which is owned by Petrolux International, a subsidiary of Assimicorp.

Who owns Assimicorp?

Nobody really knows, but their holdings include racetracks,

slot machines, massage parlors, and a string of Hungarian restaurants.

You better keep a low profile, like under your desk.

Let's just end this discussion and get back to work.

That's a good idea. I got to update your obituary.

[CHUCKLES] Really.

One crank phone call and Peter starts plotting Godfather III.

Well, I'm not going to let you people get to me.

Make sure none of them get to you.

Now, don't be flip, Benson.

After all, we know your real feelings.

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson.

We'll put Marcy here, I'll park there, and we'll put Pete here.

Well, who parks under the tree?

Clayton.

That works for me.

This time, Richmond Airlines has gone too far.

If they want to play dirty, I'll give them dirty.

Calm down, Clayton. What are you talking about?

Sir, I have been violated.

This morning, I went out jogging.

Someone ransacked my apartment!

So I called security.

Now they're ransacking my apartment.

Whoever broke in must have been looking for the tape.

I don't think so.

They'd know the attorney general has the tapes. It was on the news.

I think what they're trying to do is scare you off.

How dare they try intimidating me!

Beats eliminating you.

[TELEPHONE BUZZES] Yes, Marcy.

Oh, send him in.

Captain McDermott of security is here.

McDermott is on this case?

Clayton, take the trip to Miami.

Ready for debriefing, sir.

Well, Captain, have you finished frisking my furniture?

For the time being, Clayton.

Any leads, Captain? Not a one, sir.

We combed every inch of Clayton's apartment.

We even went through his garbage.

What the hell are capers?

Captain, I would like a full report.

Well, there were orange peels, some whitefish, a couple of tea bags...

No, no, no. I mean...

What have you learned?

Well, based on the events of the last hours, sir,

we've come up with nothing.

But we do have a theory. Somebody's after Clayton.

Who leaked that?

McDermott, we already figured that out.

Well, here's something you haven't figured out, Benson.

While checking Clayton's bureau drawers, sir,

we came across something pretty strange.

You know those undershorts that you have marked

"Sunday," "Monday," "Tuesday," and so forth?

Yes.

Well, Wednesday is missing.

Today is Wednesday.

Well, that accounts for it.

Anyway, sir, we'll have to double security on Clayton.

I want a man on his apartment hours a day.

No, wait. I'm not going to be a prisoner in my own home.

Well, we have full security here in the mansion,

so you can live here under Captain McDermott's protection.

Sir, I do not need protection.

I don't know about that, Clayton.

I knew a guy once that refused protection,

they found him three months later in Washington.

Washington D.C. or Washington State?

Both.

Well, now, Benson, a man can't be found in two places at once,

unless...

Oh, dear.

Now you know what I'm talking about.

Yes. You're saying Clayton may end up in the trunk of some car

that's put through a metal compactor,

melted down for scrap, and made into a pippy.

A pippy?

What's a pippy?

It's a little wind-up mouse. Katie has one.

It runs along the floor, And then it spins.

Pippy, pippy!

I bet Clayton would be good at that.

I don't know anything about pippies,

but I do know we're dealing with professionals here.

You got hit men, ice men, button men...

First the phone call, then the break-in. Next...

Bang-bang, bye-bye.

Is "Captain" your nickname or what?

Back off, Benson.

All right, Clayton, then it's settled.

Until after you've testified, you'll live here In the mansion.

Sir... That's an order.

Very well, sir.

All right, I'll send a man over to pick up your clothes, Clayton.

And don't worry. I'll tell him you're wearing "Wednesday."

You get the impression that McDermott is still wearing "Sunday"?

Well, we got Clayton all settled in.

You put in a long day, don't you, Benson?

Yeah, yeah, so do you. I thought you were gone.

Ah, a policeman's work is never done.

We had to beef up security because of Clayton.

Been on the phone all afternoon with those temporary health agencies.

Let me ask you something.

You know what it's like to work with green recruits, Benson?

No, I've never been Off this planet.

Well, I'll tell you. You got to take them by the... Hey! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

What happened?

Sat on my g*n.

How was it?

Phew.

Relax, Benson, relax.

g*ns don't k*ll. People k*ll.

Yeah, people with g*ns.

Oh, a liberal, huh?

No, allergic.

Remember, a g*n won the west.

A g*n held up a liquor store.

You got a strange attitude about weapons, fella.

Yeah, something I picked up In the army.

Oh, you joined the army, huh?

No, they sent me an invitation for a little get-together they were having in Korea.

You were in Korea? I served in Korea.

Call me Dennis, fella. [CHUCKLES]

Ah, Korea. Those were the days.

You ever miss it, Benson? Miss it?

I don't even watch M.A.S.H.

I better inspect the troops, and then I'm off.

McDermott! Yeah.

You forgot your g*n.

Thanks, Benson.

Go home without that, the little lady will start asking questions.

Yeah, I can hear it now.

[HIGH-PITCHED] Dennis, where's your g*n?

Ah. There is no pleasing Clayton.

He does nothing but complain.

Yesterday, his toast was burnt.

Today, his egg is cold.

And it is all your fault, Benson.

What do you mean it's my fault?

You should have talked the Governor out of letting Clayton live here.

I'm sick and tired of serving him breakfast in bed.

Kraus, let's look at it this way.

The first thing he sees every morning is you.

What's the matter with that? Nothing.

It's what he deserves.

Morning! Is my lunch ready, Miss Kraus?

Almost, Katie.

Benson, do you think Daddy would mind if Connie Burke

invited me to stay over her house for a few days?

I don't know. When would you be back?

When's Clayton leaving?

Well, life has certainly changed since Clayton's moved in.

I'd have been here early, but I spent minutes trying to get past the gate guard.

Can you believe it? They searched my car!

And don't tell me I should be grateful

just because they found my nail scissors under the back seat.

McDermott confiscated them.

There you go, Katie.

Ready for another day at the mines.

Thanks, Miss Kraus.

I'm gonna try and get past the guards

without them searching my lunch box.

Miss Kraus, I thought you were going to bring me another egg,

one that was properly prepared.

How come I didn't get French toast?

Benson makes his own breakfast.

Oh.

Well, I must say, that looks very good.

It is.

I don't suppose you'd consider...

Hey, Clayton. This is for you.

Found it on the windshield of my car.

I guess somebody's trying to get to Clayton through me.

It's a one-way ticket to Miami.

On Richmond Airlines, I bet.

Benson, this is no joking matter.

Oh, he knows that, Peter.

After all, this is the man who said...

RECORDER: Nice work, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson.

Hey, hey, hey! What's going on?

You better hit the deck.

We just spotted somebody trying to scale the wall.

I hope that sucker's packing iron.

Well, things have certainly taken a melodramatic turn.

What do I do now?

Beats me. They do know you're white, don't they?

Something about all this is bugging me.

McDermott says we're dealing with professionals,

but a guy scaling the wall in broad daylight doesn't make any sense.

I just can't wait for this trial to be over.

Stress is getting to you, huh? No, Clayton is.

I don't like to say this about anybody,

especially a man who's so capable at his job,

but I'm afraid Clayton just isn't a very nice person.

No!

Well, I could be wrong.

This tea should be ready any minute.

One lump or two?

Ah, company.

Oh, Benson, look who's here! Clayton.

How nice.

I seem to have misplaced my tape recorder, I came down to look for it.

Ah, no matter. I'll find it tomorrow.

[YAWNING] Oh, boy! Sandman's coming.

Now, well, listen, it's time for me to turn in.

I'll see you, Governor, in the morning.

Clayton. Night, Benson.

[YAWNING]

Excuse me. Well, I think Benson's right.

It is getting a little late.

Better do some bunk duty. Good night.

Sleep tight, sir.

Ah. [CLEARS THROAT]

One lump or two? Surprise me.

Are you saying that one of my chambermaids

took your stupid tape recorder?

Well, it's gone, isn't it?

What other explanation can there be?

Maybe you lost it.

People lose things all the time.

I am not "people."

I was just saying the same thing to Marcy.

I hold you equally responsible, Benson.

If you two cannot control the household staff...

I better get out of here before I lose my temper

and do something I'll be sorry for.

Just a moment, Miss Kraus. Better let her go, Clayton.

Last time Kraus lost her temper, Switzerland mobilized.

Oh, here he is.

Clayton, this gentleman's here to see you from the attorney general's office.

Bruce Caldwell. Mr. Caldwell, this is Benson, head of household affairs.

If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work.

Me, too. Well, it's a pleasure To meet our star witness.

CLAYTON: What's this all about?

I think I'll stick around a while.

We're very concerned about the attempted break-in.

We think you're much too visible here at the mansion.

Benson, do you need something?

It'll keep.

So we're planning on moving you to a new location, now.

Now? I haven't packed.

We'll send for your things later. Oh, very well.

Wait a minute, Clayton.

Don't you want to see this man's identification?

Benson, you are being very rude.

Oh, no problem.

There. You see? No, I didn't.

Mind if I take a closer look at that I.D.? Why, not at all.

That's close enough for me.

[WHIMPERING]

Just be calm.

Till after the trial, we're gonna put you on ice.

I...ice!

You're coming along to keep him company.

Moi?

All right, it's all clear.

All right.

You give us any trouble and we're not responsible for what happens.

Let's walk.

BRUCE: I said, "Walk."

I am walking.

Oh, Clayton, do you have a moment?

Oh, I hope so.

Uh, Clayton's a little busy right now, sir.

This is Mr. Caldwell from the attorney general's office,

and he's taking Clayton to a new location.

Well, it's rather sudden, isn't it, Clayton?

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?

No, no, not a cat, sir.

A mouse... Pippy the mouse!

Perhaps I should take the Governor to the new location with me.

Oh, no, the Governor doesn't have time for that, either.

He has to deal with The McDermott corporation.

I do? Yes, yes.

You know, you were gonna get the big McDermott together

with all the little McDermotts.

I was?

Well, forget it, sir. We'll see you later.

Governor, your letter to Senator Blaine is ready for signature.

Oh, thank you, Marcy.

Well, sir, if there's nothing else, we'll be leaving. Just a minute, Mr. Caldwell.

There you are, Marcy. Check that for spelling. Yes, sir.

So, Mr. Caldwell, you're from The attorney general's office.

Yes, sir. I wouldn't detain Mr. Caldwell, sir.

He's a busy man, very serious about his work.

Oh! Well, Clayton, keep in constant touch.

I hope you have plenty of dimes.

Dimes? For the telephone.

Isn't the telephone a wonderful invention, Mr. Caldwell?

You never realize how much you rely on it until suddenly you don't have one.

Governor, please! [HIGH PITCHED MURMURING]

Just a minute, Benson. Do shut up, please.

I remember back at the logging camp,

mail call was always a very big event.

We'd hand out the letters to the men,

but we had no way to contact the men

who were floating down the river on the logs.

So we tried everything. We tried semaphore.

We tried smoke signals. We tried carrier pigeons.

You name it, we tried it!

Till finally, it dawned on us...

What did you do? We said, "To hell with it!"

Freeze!

All right, up there, you.

Don't worry, Governor. Everything's under control.

Marcy gave me your note. Good thinking, sir.

Then you did get the hints I threw!

Get them? I thought they were gonna knock me over.

I thought you were gonna blow the whole thing, Benson.

Benson, how did you know these men were impostors?

Well, look at their cop shoes.

Even on TV, they don't wear loafers with buckles.

I was onto them the minute they came through the gates.

Then why didn't you stop them?

Why didn't I stop 'em? I'll tell you why, Benson.

Because in this country, a man's innocent until proven guilty.

That's why the system doesn't work.

All right, move 'em out! Move 'em out!

Oh, sir, I really must thank you for coming to my aid.

Oh, Benson's the man you should thank.

Oh, well, yes, of course.

I... I plan to at an appropriate time.

This is an appropriate time, Clayton.

[CLEARS THROAT] Yes, sir.

Thank you, Benson. [SNIFFS]

I beg your pardon?

Thank you, Benson.

Oh, that is such music to my ears!

RECORDER: Thank you, Benson.

RECORDER: Thank you, Benson.

RECORDER: Thank you, Benson.

It's all right, boy.

Okay, this time you've gone too far.

I'm not kiddin' around, Benson, I'm really sore.

Pete, it is perfectly safe for people your size to get mildly annoyed,

but they should never, never get really sore!

What is that, a short joke?

Come on, come on. Let's step outside.

Oh, Pete, you don't wanna do that! Yes, I do.

Pete, look at it this way. For me, it's a no-win situation.

If I take you outside and deck you, then I'm a creep.

If you, by some miracle, happen to deck me, I gotta leave town!

I wanna show you my car.

Oh, your car? Oh, I know about your car!

Yeah, it's in a thousand pieces!

I know! Why did you take it apart?

I didn't touch your car. Talk to Captain McDermott.

Captain McDermott?

Why would Captain McDermott take my car apart?

He got a tip you were smuggling illegal contrabands.

Let me ask you one last question.

Where did he get an idea like that?

Let me ask you one last question.

Why did you park in my space this morning?

[CLOSING THEME PLAYING]