03x19 - Teed Off

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Good morning.

Hot damn!

I got to stop coming here
for coffee.

Benson, I have
just been nominated

for president
of my bowling league.

Good. Just so they don't
make you commander in chief

of their army.

I must go
and plan my campaign.

Oh, Clayton,
I almost forgot.

I have the entry form

for this year's
charity golf tournament.

Oh, you guys are gonna
be partners again, huh?

Of course.

You don't break up
a winning combination.

Actually, sir,
we didn't win.

Wilfred Baker
and his partner won.

But you two came in second.

And we're a cinch
to win this year.

Wilfred lost his partner
on the course.

It was a stroke.

They charged him a stroke
for losing his partner?

He died, Benson.

Oh.

Sounds like
a rough tournament.

Anyway, Wilfred's
out of the running,

and with
a little work,

Clayton and I have
a real shot at the trophy.

Uh, sir, you know, I really
don't know about this year.

Oh, don't be silly.

Listen, I figured out what was
wrong with your putting.

I'll free up some time
and help you with it.

My putting?
(SCOFFS)

We would have won
that tournament

if he hadn't choked.

Well, you know
the Governor.

Never play golf with someone
who learned as a caddy.

(CHUCKLES) What's
wrong with that?

Plenty of good golfers
learned as caddies.

Lee Trevino,
Lee Elder, me.

You? (LAUGHS)

Benson, are you
grouping yourself

with professional golfers?

Well, I, uh...

Professional caddies
I could understand.

You are familiar
with the golf term "fore"?

Yes, certainly.
It means, "Look out.

"You're in danger
of being hit."

Fore!

Did you hear what I said
to Senator Chapman?

Yes, sir.

I really got him.

Yes, sir, I heard it.

Did you hear
what he said to me?

Yes, sir, I heard it
when he said it,

and I heard it
when you repeated it.

He said, "Ah, well, ah!"

I really made a monkey
out of him.

"Ah, well, ah!"

I wish I had a tape
of that.

Well, perhaps you could get
a transcript of it, sir.

Oh, I know I'm gloating,

but it's so nice to win
once in a while.

Of course it is, sir.

Oh, Clayton,
just a minute.

I want you to sign the entry
form for the golf tournament.

Ah, well, ah...

Sir, before we make that
official,

are you sure you want me
to be your partner?

What? Of course.

You're the best golfer
in the capital

except for Wilfred Baker.

Well, that's true, sir.

I just assumed
you were aware

of how slighted
some people feel

when the Governor chooses
the same partner every year.

You mean there are people
who resent that?

Deeply, sir.

Well, it's just
a golf tournament.

And listen, with Wilfred
out of the running,

you and I have
a real chance to win.

You're right, sir.
Let's go for it.

Let's win that trophy.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Who cares
what people think?

Well, I care.

I thought you might.

Oh, brother.

Oh, all right,
Clayton.

Maybe we better split up.

I hope it isn't
too late for you to get
a good partner.

Oh, I'm a big boy, sir.
I'll manage.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.

Ah, Governor,
I have the figures

on that water project
for you.

Benson, I have decided
to enter the golf tournament

without Clayton this year.

Oh, really? When did you
make that decision?

Just now.

Well, Clayton,
I guess that means

you'll have to find
a new partner.

Well, I don't want you
to worry about me, sir.

I'm sure I'll find someone
if I just scout around.

Why don't you scout
around your office?

That's where Wilfred
Baker's waiting.

GOVERNOR: Wilfred Baker?

Yes, sir. He said
something about needing
Clayton's signature

on the entry form
for the tournament.

Today's the deadline,
you know.

You and Wilfred Baker?

Behind my back?

You dumped me!

Sir, you said yourself
it was only a golf tournament.

No, I didn't!

Well, you made me say it
to suit your own
evil purposes!

Well, I certainly
didn't expect this
sort of response.

If you're
having problems, sir,

perhaps we should
iron them out.

With Clayton,
I'd use a three iron.

I think you'd better leave,
Clayton.

You wouldn't want
to keep Wilfred waiting.

Very well, sir.

I'm sorry
you feel this way.

Despite your attitude,

I wish you the best of luck
in the tournament, sir.

Son of a g*n,
that makes me angry!

Angry enough to want
to beat him?

Oh, Benson, forget it.
I mean, today's the deadline.

Where am I gonna find
a partner?

Well, I play a little golf.

Oh, I need
a really good partner.

Well, actually,
I sh**t a pretty fair game.

Somebody that really
understands the game.

I understand the game.

I've been playing
since I was a kid.

Somebody that won't crack
under pressure.

Are you listening?
I won't crack.

I'll be your partner.

You? But last year,
you wouldn't even
play at all.

You said
you hated tournaments.

That's because of what they do
to people's personalities.

Last tournament I played in,

a guy tried to stuff
his opponent into a golf bag.

Oh, there is no excuse
for behavior like that.

Yes, there was, too.
I caught him cheating
on his score.

And that's why I don't play
in those tournaments anymore.

But in Clayton's case,
I'd like to make an exception.

I'd like to experience
the thrill of victory

that sends him
to the agony of defeat.

So what do you say,
partners?

(LAUGHING) Oh,
I don't know, Benson.

What do you sh**t?

High 's.
Sign here.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.

Governor, here's that
press release on the
golf tournament.

You want to check it out?

Pete, there's
been a change.

I won't be teamed
with Clayton this year.

I'm gonna be
the Governor's
new partner.

(LAUGHS)
You play golf?

Pete, what are you
talking about?

Some of the best golfers
in the country are...

Budget directors.

Benson sh**t
in the high 's.

No kidding.

We should play sometime.
I sh**t in the low 's.

Oh, really?

Pete, there's been
another change.

Sign right here.

Benson, don't
take it so hard.

It's only
a golf tournament.

Oh!

Miss Kraus, who are you
gonna send these to?

Every member
of the bowling league.

Gee, this is fun.

It reminds me of the time
I was elected captain of
the cheerleading squad.

You were? Boy, I'd love
to be a cheerleader!

All you have to do
is learn the cheers.

Girls, girls,
you are not stuffing.

What kind of cheers?

Oh, well, my favorite was,

"Thataway, thataway,
get 'em, Piscataway."

Get' em who?

Piscataway. That's where
I went to high school.

Piscataway?

I'll never learn English.

Just when I thought I was
getting the hang of it.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Here's a great one.

Who's got the ball?
They got the ball!

Who wants the ball?
We want the ball!

What keeps the cows in?
Defense!

Take it away, Piscataway!

Yay!

A simple "Hello, Benson,"
would have sufficed.

What is going on here?

We're stuffing envelopes
for Miss Kraus' campaign.

I plan to win
this election, Benson.

In that case, Kraus,

you should be stuffing
ballot boxes.

Here. Take a flyer.

The only reason you don't want
to bet on the tournament

is because you know
the Governor and I
ill beat you.

Peter, the only reason
I don't want to wager
with you

is because I know
I could never collect.

Good night, all.

He knows he's gonna lose.

Hey, Benson,
I'm really sorry

the Governor dumped you
like that.

The Governor dumped Benson?

Just from the golf tournament.
He's still Budget Director.

He didn't dump me.

Sure, he did.
Don't you remember?

Clayton dumped him,
and then he asked you
to be his partner

because you sh**t
in the high 's.

And then I came in
and I said, "Well, I
sh**t in the low 's."

I remember, Pete.

As a matter of fact,
I remember very well.

He didn't dump me.

He just, uh,
turned down my offer.

Good night.

He dumped him.

What was that all about?

The Capital Charities
golf tournament.

It makes things crazy
around here.

When it comes to their games,
men behave very funny.

You're telling me.

Tommy Webster fasted
for three days

to get ready for
the marble-sh**ting finals.

Did he win?
No, he passed out.

It's hard to believe
they don't outgrow that stage.

Are you kidding?

When they get too old to play,
they start yelling at the TV.

Come on, Gretchen.

Nobody takes a game
that seriously.

Hi, Katie.
Hello, Denise.

Miss Kraus, would you
put those in the freezer
for me?

I'll get them back
from you tomorrow.

Sure, Governor,
what is it?

Golf balls. They say
you can hit them farther

if you freeze them.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Come in.

Benson, do you
have a moment

to discuss something
that is rather important?

Sure, Governor.
Have a seat.
Thank you.

I need your advice.

All right, what's
the problem?

Pete's putting.

Benson, I think
he's losing his grip.

On the club
or on reality?

Listen, Benson, we have
a real chance to beat Clayton

if we can just improve
Pete's putting.

"We"?

Yeah. Come on, now,
you're not still upset
that I dumped you?

You didn't dump me.

Well, whatever.

Besides, I thought
you wanted to teach
Clayton a lesson.

Yeah, I did. But that
was before you...

(CHUCKLES) Before...

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Ah, Governor,
I'm glad I found you.

Excuse me, Benson.

Sir, I have to talk to you
about that tournament.

Sir, I was wrong to place
the championship

ahead of our
friendship.

Yes, you were.

Excuse me.

Sir, I have spoken
to Wilfred Baker,

and I will not be
his partner this year.

Does that mean you want to be
my partner this year?

Well, sir, I think
it's the only sporting
thing to do.

When did my office
become the pro shop?

Well, Benson, it takes
a big man to admit
that he's wrong.

Thank you, sir.

So, what do you say?
Partners?

Hey, Governor,

all set for the big
golf tournament tomorrow?

Ah, well, ah.

Uh, Clayton and I
were just discussing that.

Uh, what did you say
you sh**t, Pete?

Low 's.

Guess I'll have to
get lockers installed
in here.

Gee, uh, Clayton,

it's too bad
you're out of
the running.

Out of the running?

Oh, you didn't tell him?
Tell me what?

Wilfred Baker broke his
arm last night.

Clayton!

I didn't want
to upset you, sir.

I know how close
you are to Wilfred.

You know how close you are
to unemployment?

(PETER LAUGHS)

Clayton, I'm angry!

I don't just want
to win this tournament,

I want to beat you.

You understand that?

Uh, sir,
I don't have a partner.

Get one!

Sir, with Clayton
out of the running,

the game is practically
in the bag.

If you fellows don't mind,
I'm gonna play through.

Oh, Benson, wait.

We can't let me let him
get away with this.

Sir, I can't find
a viable partner by tomorrow.

It would be a hollow
victory for you.

Uh, sir, the trophy wouldn't
actually say "Hollow victory."

It wouldn't be
a hollow victory,

not if Clayton can
find a partner.

(LAUGHING)
I already told you.

I can't find a partner.

Benson will be
your partner!

Me?
GOVERNOR: Yes, yes, you!

And we are gonna clobber
you guys!

You are going to
clobber me?

Hey, Benson, now you don't
have to live with that feeling
of being dumped.

Oh, I've never been dumped,

and I'm not about
to be clobbered.

Governor, I'm going to
make you wish

you never picked up a club.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

All right, Clayton,
you've got yourself a partner.

And you can just forget about
that tip I was gonna give you

on your rotten putting.

Rotten putting?

Clobbered!
Dumped!

Oh!

Clayton!

Benson!

Ow!

Uh, Pete,
maybe I better drive.

Why? I missed
the chicken.

Yeah, but not by much.

It wasn't my fault.

What was the
dumb chicken doing,

running across the fairway?

I expect it was trying
to get to the other side.

Okay, we'll go first.

You can't just call first.

I just did.
Well, you can't.

Can we settle this
like adults?

Yeah, fisties.

Eagle claws.
Ha!

I could have told you
I was going first.

You're gonna need
a lot more than
eagle claws

to win this match, Peter.

Yeah.

Go get 'em, partner.

(WHISTLING)

Shh!

Wind.

♪ Da-da da-da da

♪ Da da da da da da da ♪

Peter, what
are you doing?

It's just a little thing I do
for good luck.

At the start
of every game?

Every shot.

Would you please
hurry up?

Relax, Clayton,
a little golf etiquette.

Vvv!

Come on, man,
hit the ball!

Oh, Pete, that's
a beautiful shot.

Well, it's hard to tell
until it lands.

Pete, that was
an incredible shot.

Well, obviously,
the wind got behind it.

Governor.

Thank you, Pete.

That shot must have gone
yards.

Oh, so what?

Okay, shush it down
now, boys.

♪ Doo-doo doo-doo doo... ♪

Mmm!

Hurry up!

Benson, it's your putt.

Well, mine's
a gimme.

Yeah, bup, bup,
bup, bup, bup, bup.

Peter, this is a tournament.
There are no gimmes.

Fine. I'll just
tap it in.

That's par for me.

(SIGHS) why does he
have to be so annoying?

'Cause that's par
for him, too.

Well, Clayton, if I sink
this putt of mine,

then we'll be six strokes up
going into the th.

I know the score.

Yes, but I love to
watch your face
whenever you hear it.

Sir, I've already
apologized.

Clayton, will you
stop whining?

I'm trying to line up
this putt, man.

"Mnh-mnh mnh-mnh
mnh-mnh-mnh."

In the general direction
of the hole, I hope.

A little dissension, huh?

Oh!

Oh, be still,
my heart.

Oh, wonderful,
fabulous shot,
Benson, fabulous.

How would you like me
to place this ball

somewhere on your person
where they'll never find it?

All right, guys,
hold it up here.

I'm trying to putt.

Sir, now,
take your time,

and don't let them
bother you.

You've sunk a lot
tougher ones than this.

There's only
eight holes left.

If you sink this baby,
we'll be seven strokes up.

There's no way
they can catch us.

Right, right.
Okay.

Whenever you're ready.

Anybody want to put
any money on this putt?
Shh!

GOVERNOR: Aah!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

He choked.

All right, all right,
he choked.

I did not choke.

Yeah, you didn't choke,
and I didn't get dumped.

(LAUGHS)

Good morning, Gretchen.

I thought I'd drop in

and see how the election
turned out.

Denise, you are looking

at the Capital City
Bowling League's

first ever German-born
woman presidential runner-up.

Oh, that's wonderf...

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay, Denise.
Politics is a tough town.

So, who's the new president?

Beer Belly Parker.

I baked these cookies
for his victory party.

Gretchen, you really are
a good sport.

I'm not that good a sport.

Well, we're all
evened up.

Yep.

We'd be ahead if you hadn't
hit that shot into the lake.

Yeah? What about you
and the sand trap?

Well, at least you can play
out of a sand trap.

You can't play
out of a lake.

Pete, you took three strokes
to get out of the sand trap.

It only cost me one stroke
to get out of the lake.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying if you're
gonna hit the ball
into the sand trap,

you might as well go ahead
and hit it into the lake!

Well, we are
in great shape, Benson.

Yeah, looks like
they're falling apart.

We're not falling apart.

We've still got this hole
to beat you guys,

and you guys
are gonna blow it.

Benson, Benson,
don't let them get
to you, babe.

This is the th
hole, sweetheart.

Just give us one
of those patented
Benson drives.

You can do it, buddy!
You can do it, babe!

Clayton, get away from me.

(LAUGHS)
That's a stroke.

What's a stroke?

Benson knocked the ball
off the tee.

That is not a stroke.
I hit it with my club.

Well, that's the definition
of a stroke.

It was an accident.

You think I hit the ball
in the lake on purpose?

That was a stroke.
I am marking it down.
Yep.

All right, all right,
all right. He'll
take the stroke.

I'm not taking
the stroke.

It was your fault.
You take the stroke.

Oh, hey, Benson,
now who's falling apart?

You know, I'd like to remind
you guys of two things,

I'm a little cranky,
and I'm carrying a club.

Hey, how about that
for a strong finish, huh?

Four straight pars.

That doesn't
do us any good.
We're still tied.

Okay, sir, now,
it's down to you
and Clayton.

He's got a -foot putt.
You've got a -foot putt.

You make it. He misses.
We win.

You make it. He makes it.
We tie.

You Miss it. He makes it.
We lose.

Pete, you talk.
He listens. We wait.

We wait. It gets late.
I get mad.

I get mad. It's your fault.
You lose.

All right, fellows,

now if nobody minds,
I am going to putt.

Of course, sir,
absolutely.

You go right ahead.

Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Shh!

Good luck!

Clayton,
that's cheating.

Why didn't you just tie
a string around his putter

and give a yank?

That isn't cheating.

It is, however, extremely
poor sportsmanship.

Oh, well, if you feel that way
about it, take it over.

Oh, I couldn't do that.
That would be cheating!

Ah, well, don't say
I didn't give you
the chance.

This game has gotten
completely out of hand.

All right, now,
if everyone will
just be quiet,

I will sink
the winning putt.

Good luck!

Too soon.

Just this little -footer,
and I go home with the gold.

(SHRIEKING)

Good shot, Clayton.
It must have been yards.

I'm taking my putt again.

Oh, no, you're not.

Sir, that's cheating.

Oh, like when you kicked
Pete's ball into the woods?

Clayton, you did that?

You told me a squirrel
carried it off into
the woods.

Even I wouldn't believe
that one.

Now I don't feel so bad
about swiping Benson's ball

on the seventh.

What? That cost me
two strokes!

Well, here,
you can have it back.

I suppose you're the one

who mashed my ball
into the sand trap
on the th.

Uh, no, that was me,
but I didn't mean it.

But you didn't tell me.

No, because you wanted
to win the tournament,

and that's why you dumped me.

A-ha!

Don't you point
your putter at me!

Oh, all right, all right!

Sir, sir, there's a crowd
watching from the clubhouse.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I don't know
about you guys,

but I feel
pretty disgusted
with myself.

The whole point
of this game

was to come out here
and have some fun.

You want my opinion?
After the way we've
behaved,

none of us deserve
to win this tournament.

Benson's right.

Well, are we going
to finish this hole?

Well, look,
we're in a tie now.

Why don't we just leave it
the way it is?

That's a good idea.

Shall we make it
unanimous, fellas?

Yeah, sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I think
it might be worthwhile

if we take this opportunity

to reaffirm our faith
in each other.

What do you mean, sir?

One for all,
and all for one!

ALL: One for all,
and all for one.

See, Clayton, that's what's
wrong with your putting,

it's your grip.

There's nothing wrong
with my...

What are you
reading, Kraus?

A very interesting
article.

"Beauty is where
you find it."

I hope you're gonna
send away for the map.

It says here that
before I go to sleep

I should cover my face
with oatmeal.

(CHUCKLES) It's good
for the complexion.

And you get
breakfast in bed, too.

You know, Kraus,
if you're really
interested

in improving
your appearance,

I know something that works
a lot better than oatmeal.

Oh, yeah? What?
Potatoes.

You want me to cover
my face with potatoes?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You see, what you do is
you get a -pound bag
of potatoes.

Yeah.
Then you throw away
the potatoes...

Yeah.
...and then you take
the bag and you...

Benson!