04x03 - What a Revoltin' Development

[bunniefuu]

BENSON: You know, Kraus,
that exercycle

has done wonders
for your hips.

You are asking
for a fat lip, Benson.

Watch it, Benson.
Don't worry, sir.
I can take her.

No, no, no. I meant
these biscuits. They're hot.

How do they look, huh?

Kraus, get over here
and help this man.

I can't. I was told
to butt out.

Miss Kraus, I didn't
tell you to butt out.
Oh, yes, you did.

I simply said I wanted
to cook

a real lumber-mill breakfast
by myself.

He calls that cooking.

Oh, butt out.

Governor, it is foolish
to argue. (CHUCKLES)

Besides, the more you cook,
the better I look.

Benson, do you think
I offended Miss Kraus?

No, sir, but don't
get discouraged.

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try again.

You want a biscuit?
No, sir, no, no, no, no.
I... I'm not hungry.

Okay. Benson, I am sending you
to the tropics for three days.

All right, all right,
one biscuit.

I mean, I want you
to make the presentation

at the Pan-American
trade conference.

Wait a minute, I thought you
and Pete were going.

I can't go.
The vice president's
flying into town.

Morning, everyone.
GOVERNOR: Hi, honey.

What's that smell?
I made my famous
bunkhouse biscuits.

Doesn't that bring back
memories?

Yeah, but we had
a dog then.

Have a seat.
Oh, I can't today, daddy.

It's my turn to feed
the class turtle. (KISSES)

Sir, can't Pete handle this
by himself?

Oh, come on, Benson.
Pete can't feed the turtle,
he's got things to do.

Uh, daddy?
Uh-huh?

Did you make my lunch, too?

No, sweetheart, I didn't.

Thanks.
Have a good day.

I mean, can't Pete handle
the conference by himself?
I've got a date with Jennifer.

Benson, I know
this is short notice,

but you're the only one who
understands the presentation.

Besides,
you'll have a good time.

(SCOFFS) A good time
with Pete is half as nice
as a bad time with Jennifer.

Benson, I don't wanna
make this an order.
I appreciate that.

But I will if I have to.

I'll send you a postcard.

It's all settled.
You'll be flying out tomorrow.

Three days
on an island with Pete.

I don't believe it.
The Governor left me
a big mess.

Well, it's only fair.
That's how he found you.

(INSECT BUZZING)

(SIGHS)

What a paradise!

As far as the eye can see,
humidity.

I wonder if they get many
tourists down on this island.
Are you kidding?

The only reason they built
an airport on this island

is so the mosquitoes
could land.

I thought the brochure
said that this place
cooled down at night.

It must have cooled down.
One of the chickens
in the courtyard just moved.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

I'll get it.
It's probably Juanita.

Juanita?
You met a girl already?

Yeah, on the way
from the airport.
She was our cab driver.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Pete, you can't pick up
a girl in English,

how did you do it
in Spanish?

Used the international
language, Benson.
Love?

No, I gave her cash.

Wait till you see her, Benson.
She's a knockout.

Juanita?

Talk about
an undeveloped country.

Excuse me.
Governor Gatling?
No, but this is his suite.

Perhaps I can help you.

Vengan, compadres.
Ese hombre es el gobernador.
Traigan al pequeno, tambien.

Just exactly what did you say
to Juanita?

Pa' afuera, pa' afuera.
Traigalo afuera.

Benson, Benson?
What?

Are you tied up?

Yeah, I'm being kidnapped.
Call me later in the week.

My muscles are k*lling me.
I thought they'd never
let us off those burros.

You mean you got
to ride a burro?

Yeah, maybe
they'll let you ride back.

Yeah, if there
is a ride back.

You mean, you think
they're gonna sh**t us?

Is that why
we're blindfolded?

Either that
or they want us to pin
the tail on your donkey.

Bravo, muchachos.
Bien hecho.

Remove the blindfolds.

Well, well.

This is it.
They're gonna sh**t us now.

Pete, let 'em proceed
at their own pace.

Senores , please.
You have nothing
to worry about...

...yet.

After all,
you are the governor

of a united state,
Mr. Gatling.

You, sir, will not be shot.

He's not Governor Gatling.

Oh, he's not?

I sure hope they don't put us
in the same coffin.

Since you are not governor,
perhaps...

perhaps I might as well
have you k*lled.

Miguel!

(COCKS g*n)

Uh, someday
I might be governor.

I'm a very ambitious guy.

Still, you
are Norteamericanos.

Do you think your country
would make a deal
to save your lives?

What kind of a deal
are you talking?
We want weapons.

Who exactly is "we?"

We is the people's
revolutionary army
of the democratic republic,

and I, senor,
I am the supreme commander...

Generalisimo Ernesto Juan
Fernando de Vega de Garcia.

This guy
probably needs a burro
just for his business cards.

We have a small army now,
but with the right weapons,

I know that our revolution
will succeed.

Arriba, muchachos!
Arriba!

(CLEARS THROAT)
How small an army?

Including myself?
Yes.

Six.

Weapons for six. I don't think
that's out of line.

Yeah, you could probably
get your choice of r*fles.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, no.
Not r*fles. Phantom jets.

Six phantom jets?
One for each
of my soldiers.

Don't be greedy.
They seat two.

Oh, Denise, did you get hold
of Benson yet?

I called the hotel,
but nobody knew where he was.

Isn't that amazing?

Not really.
It's a big hotel.

I meant the fact that Benson's
halfway around the world

and we can just pick up
the phone and talk to him.
If they could find him.

I suppose they do that
with satellites.
Really?

I just thought they'd leave
a message in his box.

Sir, have you talked
to Benson yet?

No, but we have
the technology.

Well, sir, he was supposed
to call after lunch.

That's it. He's out to lunch.

In the dark?

Clayton, we're in
different time zones.

Yes, sir, that's always
been my contention.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Oh, I'll get it!

I bet it's Benson.
All right.

Hello? Oh, yes,
one moment please.

Governor, it's
the state department.
State department?

Yes?

What?

Are you sure?

Benson and Pete
have been kidnapped.
They're being held hostage.

(WHISPERS) What?

I think we're gonna be okay.

I mean, they got
a few crazy ideas,

but, basically,
they seem like nice people.

Nice people
with flame-throwers.

Benson, come on.
They untied us.

They're letting us walk
around free.

Yeah, we got the run
of the jungle...

Along with every other animal,
vegetable, and mineral,

I've ever had
a nightmare about.

Why do you insist on taking
such a pessimistic attitude?

Because rainy days
and a*t*matic weapons
always get me down.

Come on. The state department
will get us out of here.

You know what the president
said about hostages...
No deals.

Well, he also said
he doesn't dye his hair.

Trust me, Pete,
we're in big trouble.

Anybody can point
out the problem.
Do you have a solution?

I think
we ought to run for it.

That's your solution?
su1c1de?

Pete, at least if we get
in the jungle, we can hide.

That way, we'll have time
to figure something out, man.

You're right.
What do we do about the guard?

I don't know. I'm making
this up as I go along.

I've got a better idea.
Did you ever see
"The Great Escape ?"

Pete, we don't have time
to build a tunnel!

Right. Besides, where
would we hide the dirt?

(SIGHS) Why can't life
be like the movies?

That's it.
(ANIMAL GROWLS)

Miguel?
What are you doing?

Follow my lead.

Miguel, would you come
over here a minute, please?

You got an idea?
Of course I got an idea.

You don't think I like
this guy's company, do you?

Hey, Miguel.
Que pasa, buddy?

Uh, Miguel, do you like
to play games?
Que?

El game-o.

Uh, playing...
you know, good time.
Bueno tempo.

Ah, Juanita.

No, no, no.

No. No Juanita.

No Juanita.

Patty-cake.
Oh, right, yeah...
Patty-cake.

(BOTH SINGING)
♪ Patty-cake, Patty-cake

♪ What's the plan?

♪ Slug Miguel
As hard as you can ♪

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Crosby and Hope,
Road To Rio.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Sylvester Stallone,
Rocky III.

Ugh! Ooh!

(THUDDING)

PETE: Wait, wait!
Let's get his r*fle!

(RAPID g*nf*re)

Sure! Keep that up!
They'll get suspicious!

MAN: Miguel! Que paso?

This way, Benson.

We gotta be sure
we keep heading south.

This all looks familiar.

Were we here
a couple of hours ago?

Well, you trust me, Benson.

(GROANS)
My feet are k*lling me.
Let's stop for a while, huh?

Generalissimo and his men
will be k*lling you
if you don't keep moving.

Oh, there's no way
they could track us.

I used every trick I learned
during jungle training
to throw 'em off.

Anybody who served during
Vietnam knows that stuff.

Okay, okay.
I could use some rest, too.
(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)
(COUGHS) Boy.

How long were you
over there?
Where?

Vietnam?
I wasn't. I was stationed
in Rhode Island.

You learned jungle warfare
in Rhode Island?

No... Wichita, Kansas.
Then I was shipped
to Rhode Island.

We are dead men.

Come on, Benson.
A jungle's a jungle.

(ANIMAL GROWLING IN DISTANCE)

What was that?
A cliche.

Oh, no, no. I heard something
growling out there.

Eh, probably a mosquito.

Benson, something moved
out there.

Pete, this is the jungle.
Everything moves out there.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Well, we better get
some sleep, huh?

Besides, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

The only thing to fear
is the unknown,

and we know
what's out there.

Ticks, leeches, spiders,

snakes, crocodiles.

Is that your idea
of a bedtime story?

(SNORES)

(SNORING)

(MOANING)

Wake up, Pete.
Just five more minutes.

There are no
more minutes, Pete.

Okay, parase ahora mismo.

What has gotten
into you people?
Aqui.

How'd they find us?
It wasn't hard.

GARCIA: Hola.

(GROANING) We must have walked
in a circle.

You walked in a circle.
I followed in a circle.

Well, this should keep
the two of you

from doing anything else
to hurt yourselves.

I've got to tell you,
Benson,

I'm greatly disappointed
with your attempted escape.

Yeah, well, it wasn't
all we hoped for, either.

Listen, your lives may
be spared

if your government meets
my demands by sunset today!

(RADIO TUNING)
Casi.

If you'll excuse me,
gentlemen.

I, uh, have a revolution
to run. (CHUCKLES)

Pete, let's make
a run for it.
GARCIA: Hello, hello...

(CHAIN RATTLES)
(BOTH GROAN)

(CHAIN RATTLES)
Shh!

(RADIO TUNING CONTINUES)

Any word yet?

GOVERNOR: No.
DENISE: No.

Oh, dear.

Well, Governor,
I think I've got
everything under control.

I've postponed the hearings
on Benson's budget proposal,

and I finalized his estimated
revenues report

and personally took
it over to legal.
Good, good.

Oh, I also cleared
Pete's calendar,

and I helped his staff prepare
your monthly newsletter,

so if there's nothing else,
sir, I think I'll head on home
and try to get some rest.

Good night, Clayton.
Mm-hmm.

I... I can't tell you how much
I appreciate your efforts.

Oh, you already did, sir.
I sent out a press release

quoting you on how
invaluable I've been to you
throughout this entire crisis.

I can't make it.
What do you mean
you can't make it?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You save yourself.

Take my canteen
and go on without me.

Pete, you don't
have a canteen,

and we are chained together
at the ankle.

Other than that,
it's a great idea.

Well, then let's head back
to that stream we passed
and get something to drink.

You're the one who said
never drink anything

or eat anything from the trees
'cause it might be poisonous.

All the time
we've known each other,

you wait until we're
in a jungle to take my advice.

That's because you're
supposed to know

how to survive in a jungle.

If we're ever chained
together in Baltimore,
I'll take charge.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh! I just remembered
something that could
save our lives.

What's that?
We'll roast a monkey...

I'll die first!

Listen to me, Benson,
monkeys aren't poisonous.

No, but they're furry.

It's our only hope.
We've got to catch a monkey.

Okay, fine, fine.
Lay down over there.
Make like a banana.

I know how
to catch a monkey.
(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

You make a hole
in a hollow log,
and you put some food in it.

Then when the monkey grabs
the food, he makes a fist.

Then he can't get
his hand out.

While he's figuring it out, we
sneak up and bash his head in.

Wonderful.
We're gonna mug a monkey.

It works.

The United States government
taught you this?

Yeah, yeah.
So, what do you think?

I think if we had the food
to put in the log,

we wouldn't need
to catch a monkey!

Well, you got a better idea?

Yeah, I got one better
than that... Attack!

It won't work, Benson.
They're too fast.

They jump
from tree to tree.

You know, you are so dense.

I'm not talking about monkeys.
I'm talking about guerillas.

(CHUCKLES)
I'm not that hungry.

No, I mean the Generalissimo
and his men.

Oh.

Well, what are you gonna
put in the log for bait,
a foreign-aid check?

Just find yourself a big stick
and follow me.

(HISSING)

Pete...

Pete, either you
picked up a snake
or your stick is losing air.

(SCREAMING)

Come on!
What are you doing here?

(WHIMPERING)

BENSON: Where'd you find
this damn thing? Get out!
Get away from me!

(SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

Get away from here!

Okay, Juanita.
Do your stuff.

(HISSING)

(SCREAMS)
Here, take the g*n.

Let me get the key.

Hey, up.
(LOCK CLICKS OPEN)

Okay, okay.

(RAPID g*nf*re)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Okay, everybody!
Calm down! Stay put!

GARCIA: Yeah, put...we put.
Yeah.

See if you can find
some rope.

Generalissimo?
GARCIA: What?

You get any fancy ideas,
and I'm gonna fill
this tent full of holes.

GARCIA: You were right,
Benson. You are ambitious.

Hello? Come in.
(RADIO TUNING)

Come in. Anybody!

Come on, anybody.
Can anyone hear me out there?

Benson, you've been
at that thing for two hours.
You want me to give it a try?

No, no, that's okay.
See if you can raise
that antenna a bit.

That's enough.

Is it still working?
No, no. I think
that finished it.

Darn!
Wait. I'm getting something.
Hold it, hold it.

Great. What is it?
No, it's gone.

Darn!
It's back again.

Good. What did they say?

Yeah, I...
I didn't get nothing.

Put your hand back there.
(RADIO CRACKLING)

Yeah, now, uh,
hold the antenna up.

Move out farther.

Turn, turn... Yeah.

Yeah, now, now, I'm
getting it. I'm getting it.

Now I'm getting something.

Uh, hey.
Come in, come in!

Come in.
This is Benson Dubois,
somewhere in the jungle.

My partner and I, Pete Downey,
have captured the entire
rebel army.

Can anyone hear me?
Can anyone hear me?

The only ones who
might hear you are my armies
hiding in the hills, Benson,

and soon they will swarm down
on this camp

and carve you up
for the swine that you are!

CAPTAIN: Hold it!

Captain Zamora,
US Marines special team.
Come on, men.

How'd you find us?
We've been following
your signal for hours.

Boy, are we glad to see you.
Those are your prisoners.

They're not our prisoners.
We can't get involved.

You can't get involved?
Why'd you drop in here?

We're here as advisors.
You're pretty heavily armed
for advisors.

Well, that's why people
take their advice.

You guys ready to go?
Yeah. What about them?

Local police
will pick 'em up.

(ALL LAUGHING)

We got a plane waiting
at the airport for us.

We'll have you home
in no time.
Hmm.

Let's go, men.

Phew. Well, take care.
Bye!

Bye-bye.

You know, this experience
would make a great movie.
Yeah.

I wonder who they'll get
to play our parts.

Heh, who knows?

Well, they'll probably
get somebody like...

Billy Dee Williams
to play me, you know.

For you, they may
even get, uh, Gumby.

(SIGHS)
What a horrible story, Benson.

Oh, yes, does the airline know
where your luggage is?

They have no ida.

But at least we got
to breeze through customs.

GOVERNOR: Well, let me
get back to work.

Benson, I'm really glad
you're back.
Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, yeah, me too,
I've gotta get back to work.

But I'm really glad
you're back. But I gotta...
Yeah.

I gotta get to work,
but mostly...
I think I understand, Denise.

Thank you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I haven't heard
from you, Kraus.

Well, I wasn't worried about
you for a minute, Benson.

I knew you'd come back safely.

Really?
Yeah, it was
in my horoscope.

It said to expect
a major disappointment
from a co-worker.