04x08 - Benson's New Home

[bunniefuu]

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(GASPS) Benson, you numskull,

you made me push
the wrong button.

Oh, really? How soon
will you self-destruct?

I was just about
to multiply.

Good, then I got here
in the nick of time.

Benson! What are
you doing here?

I thought you were going to
spend the afternoon looking
at condominiums.

So did I, Denise,
but my car broke down.

But I got to see one place.

They called
it a subterranean
unispace.

What's that?
A basement.

Face it, Benson,
you'll never buy a condo.

You've looked at dozens
of places and none of them
pleases you.

You're being picky.

Kraus, wanting to live
above ground is not being
picky.

Hi, everybody! Guess what?
DENISE AND KRAUS: Oh!

You made the baseball team.

Oh, Benson, you spoiled
the surprise.

Congratulations!
Nice going, Katie!

Marsha and I are
the only two girls
who made the team.

Oh, really? What position
you play?

Substitute.

Well, that uniform makes
you look very smart.

It certainly does, sweetheart.
Kraus, get one immediately.

I can't wait to show
it to Daddy. He'll be
so jealous.

He never made
the baseball team.
See you guys later. Bye!

Okay, sugar.
Bye!

I'm sorry you didn't
get to see that place
over on Hoover Street.

I have a feeling
it's just what you're
looking for.

Well, maybe I'll
get over there
on the weekend.

I'd try to get over there
right away, before they
sell out.

Ah, well, come on, Benson,
my car's right outside.
I'll run you over.

Well, that should certainly
solve my housing problem.

In here we have
the -cycle dishwasher.

How about that, huh?

Fourteen cycles,
eight-level food processor.

Of course, you got
your air purifier.

Oh, and this
refrigerator,

this baby makes
its own ice cubes.

Mmm!

A self-cleaning oven,
and the whole thing is run

by this master control panel
right there.

Hot damn, Benson!
What more could you ask for?

An engineer.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Oh, excuse me
for just a second, please.

Go ahead. We want to take
another look around.

Great, fine.

Hello?

Oh. Yes,
Mr. Collins?

Yes, I called
your loan officer yesterday
about a three-month loan.

Because of business.

Um, there isn't any.

No, listen, I'm sure
I can unload these condos.

In fact, I could knock off %
and still make a profit,

if you know what I'm saying.

In fact, I'm about to close
a deal right now.

You said yourself
it's the best place
you've seen so far.

Just keep your voice down.

I love it.

It's perfect,
so snap it up.

You better snap it shut.

I've seen a lot of condos,

and this one
is way overpriced.

Oh, come on, Benson.
Loosen up with the bucks.

You can't take it with you.

Then I'm gonna take it
as far as I'm going.

Thank you, Mr. Collins.
Thank you. You are
a lifesaver.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Well, what do you think?

He loves it,
und the price is right.

So, let's talk turkey.

He's already
a turkey-talker.

I tell it like it is,
Benson.

I don't play games.

Then stop playing Let's Make
a Deal with my money.

You've made a wise
decision, Benson.

You see, buying today assures
you of a choice location.

That's very nice
of you, Mr. Bunt,

letting me have my choice
of any one of empty units.

Well... Well, they're not
really empty.

They're unoccupied.

I mean, because the people who
are buying them are still...

In high school?

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do, Walter.

Now, I've written a number
on the back of this
business card,

and it's the price I'm willing
to pay for the condo.

You take a look at it
and tell me what you think.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Ahhh!

Is that a yes or a no?

Ahhh!

Benson, you should
be ashamed of yourself!

Well, sorry we couldn't
do business, Walter.

Come on, Kraus.

Wait a minute.
I'll tell you what.
I'll, uh...

Hey, I'll take $,
off the price, okay?

But that's my limit.

Well, I should think so.

That's it, Benson.
Take it or leave it.

Are you splitting
the commission with her?

No, but at your price
I'll be losing money.

Then don't sell it to me.

That's right.
Don't sell it to him.

That'll teach him.

Will you butt out?

I'll lose money
if I want to.

Walter, we got
a deal or not?

Is that your best offer?

Bottom line.

Congratulations, Benson.

You just bought
yourself a condo.

Benson,
we're gonna be late

for our luncheon
at the women's league.

I don't know why
you insisted on stopping
here now.

Well, you said you
wanted to see my new condo.

That was last week, and
I was merely being polite.

Well, Clayton, I just got
the keys this morning.

I would like to see
what I bought.

You mean you're gonna be
seeing the place
for the first time?

Not really. I saw
the model, and my unit
is exactly like the model.

Well, Benson,

no wonder you got
such a great deal.

You purchased
a condo in a kit.

Maybe once you get
some drapes
on the windows.

This work was supposed
to be finished yesterday.

And we're supposed to be at
the luncheon today.

Well, I'm not moving in
until next week.

They're probably
a little behind schedule.

Yeah, so are we.

Benson, you should
really make a list

of all the things
that need to get done.

That's a good idea, Pete.

(SIGHS)
Thank you, Peter.

Number one, call Walter.

Now, Benson, must
you do this now?

Peter, the refrigerator's
not even plugged in.

Force of habit.

Where's the john?

Upstairs.

Benson... Oh!

Your counter
is covered with yuck!

Thank you, Clayton.
"Clean up yuck."

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Oh. Oh.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Your water pressure
is nonexistent.

Oh, there it...

(SCREAMING)

Turn it off!
Turn it off!

(SPUTTERING)

Clayton, will you
stop fooling around?

Fooling around?

You had to stop off here
on the way to the luncheon.

You couldn't wait to get us
into this, this booby trap!

Well, if you think I'm going
to miss that luncheon,

you're sadly mistaken.

I'm going out into the sun
to dry up... Out... Off!

"Water pressure."

Doors.

Whew!
Cabinets.

Won't stay closed, huh?

Huh? What?

Oh, no. Where'd
you come from?

The patio. That door
doesn't stay closed, either.

The patio?

Yeah, isn't it a crime
the way they slap
these joints together?

You the new owner?

Yeah, who are you?

Your neighbor,
Frank Cooper.

Benson DuBois.

DuBois, huh?

I went to school
with a guy named DuBois.

He's dead now.

Well, Frank Cooper,

it's nice of you
to stop by and say hello.

I live there.

Where, on my patio?

No, beyond your patio, Benson.
In one of those older units.

You married, Benson?

No.

My wife talked me
into buying it.

And six months later,
we're having breakfast,

and she says to me, "Frank,
is this all there is?"

And I said, "Yes."

And I haven't
seen her since.

I thought she was
talking about the toast.

A very sad story.

(YELLING) Pete,
it's time to go!

PETE: Yeah, I'll be
right down!

Roomie?

Oh, no, it's just a guy,
a fellow I work with.

We came by here,
you know, to...

Hey, Benson, listen.
It's none of my business.

It's just that when I report
back to the neighbors,

I'd like to be
factually accurate.

(WATER SPRAYING)

Put down "plumbing".

Thank you. Plumbing.

Well, I got to get going.

Really? So soon?

Yeah, well, I just came
home for lunch.

You know, I gotta get
back to work. Hey, listen,
I got a print shop.

I do fine printing
and fancy engraving.

Catch the slogan.

"We print everything
except $ bills."

(BOTH LAUGH)
That kills me.

(YELLING) Pete!

PETE: (BANGING) Hey,
Benson! The bathroom
door is stuck!

Get me out of here!

All right,
I'll be right up!

Well, Frank, it's very nice
of you to stop by.

(CRASHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You're gonna need
a bigger notebook.

(KNOCKING)
Morning, Denise.

The mail boy left your
newspapers in the kitchen.

Thank you, Gretchen.

Oh, how was your date
last night?

Did Arnold take you for a ride
in his new convertible?

Oh, ja,
it was terrible.

Why? What happened?

Well, we put the top down
und went for a spin
in the park,

und somewhere between
the golf course
und the zoo,

his toupee blew off.

Oh! (GIGGLES)

That is terrible.

Did you find it?

No.

Oh, what a shame.

Was it insured?

Only for fire.

Denise.

Yes?

Get Walter Bunt on the phone.

Yes, sir.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Wow, he's in a good mood.

Oh, he moved into
that condo two weeks ago,

and everything
still isn't fixed.

It's been one excuse
after another.

What!

Benson, you can't let people
push you around this way.

Kraus, nobody's
pushing me around.

Walter Bunt's on line one.

Give me that.

Hello, you little worm.

We're sick und tired
of your stupid excuses.

Forget fixing the condo.
We will see you in court!

Thank you, Gretchen.

Denise?

I'm dialing.

If you want to get things
done, that's the way you
have to talk to people.

Mr. Bunt's on line one.

Thank you.

Walter, your men didn't
show up again this morning.

That is not my problem!

Now, I want your men
over there,

and I want the work finished
before I get home. Understand?

Okay. You'll send
a crew right out?

Right now.

Okay, that's all I ask.

Okay, you promise?

Now, you're not lying?

Okay, bye.

He's lying.

Hi, guys. Listen, we've got
a little problem here.

I think you might
be able to help.

Tomorrow's our first game
and we're going to blow it.

(TUTS) Small wonder
with an attitude like that.

You need the positive
approach. Remember
The Little Engine That Could?

"I think I can,
I think I can,
I think I can."

Isn't that a little
simplistic, Clayton?

You're not allowing
for fate or outside forces.

See, the point is,
Katie's Little League
coach is sick.

If we show up without a coach,
we forfeit the game.

Hey, a forfeit's better
than getting beat.
More dignity.

Well, I would be
happy to do it,

but I have to hang
around the office

and wait for a call
from the President.

Darn it.

How about you, Benson?

No, sir, the President
hasn't called me in weeks.

He means can you coach?

No, I'm sorry, Katie.

I'm really gonna be tied up

getting this mess
straightened out at my condo.

I understand, Benson.

Well, good luck, kiddo.
Good night, everyone.

ALL: Good night.

Daddy, we have
to find a coach.

Well, Katie, I, uh...

How about you, Pete?

Can you be our coach?

Yeah, no way, Katie.
I'm sorry.

Baseball has bad
memories for me.

Pete, I'd consider
this a personal favor.

Sir, I'm serious.

Even the sight of a baseball
makes me break out in hives.

Oh, come on. I'm sure
you're exaggerating.

No. When I was a kid,
my friends had a team,

but they didn't think
I was good enough.

So to keep me from playing,
they talked my mom

into sending me
to accordion lessons.

Accordion?
Gross me out.

Yeah, me too. Ha!

You know, the first song
I had to learn

was Take Me Out
to the Ball Game?

I'm sorry, Katie.
We tried.

Uh, Governor?

Yes, Clayton?

Well, sir, since you're
looking for a coach

and my weekend is
relatively free,

I thought I'd volunteer
my services

to coach Katie's
little team.

Well, there is a thought.

Of course, Katie will
have to make the decision.

Thanks, Dad.

Well? What do you
say, slugger?

Well, I guess it beats
a forfeit.

Ah, good. It's
settled, then.

I think I'll get down
to the sporting-goods store,

get myself outfitted,
buy myself a rule book,

peruse it,
look for loopholes.

Well, I guess Clayton
will be a better coach
than Jerry Zuckerman's mom.

Oh? Why?

Ms. Zuckerman yells at us
if we get our uniforms dirty.

I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!
No one's even been in here!

Hey, Benson, you're home.

With one exception.

Workmen never showed.

I can see that, Frank.
What were you doing upstairs?

Fixing your bathroom lights.

Frank, if I've told you
once, I've told you
a hundred times.

I don't want you to fix
my bathroom lights.

Good, 'cause I couldn't.

Did you get this much trouble
out of them when you bought
your condo?

Sure, I did.
Benson, everyone
who lives here

has had the same problem.
You're never gonna get
any satisfaction.

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get
satisfaction, or I'm gonna
take Walter to court.

What, and make
some lawyer rich?

You got any better ideas?

You could k*ll him.

Nah, you can't even
get him on the phone.

Benson, why don't you
just fix the place yourself?

Walter's never gonna make it
look like the model.

The model...

Hey, that's it.
I'm gonna make a call.

Hey, call, that reminds me.

I'm at a telephone booth
one night,

making a call to my cousin
at long distance, California.

And I dial the wrong number,
and my wife answers the phone.

Oh, she denies it,
but I know it's her.

Hey, uh, Denise.

Yeah, is the Governor free?
Okay, I'll hold.

She picks up the phone,
and she says, "Hello."

And I said,
"Irma, is that you?"

And she says, "No."

I said, "Irma, we're married
years. I know it's you.

"That's your voice."

And she says, "You still
can't take no for an answer,
can you, Frank?"

And then she hangs up.

Yeah, Denise,
I'm still holding.

Okay, I'll wait.

Twenty-seven bucks I pour
back into that phone

trying to get
that wrong number.

Never did get it right.

I'll tell you this much,
from time to time...

Frank, Frank, Frank,
Frank, Frank, Frank.

Can you hold off
act three for a minute?

What are you doing tomorrow?

Why?
I'm gonna need some help.

I'm busy.

But listen, maybe my friend
is free. Harry.
Who's Harry?

Oh, Harry Hamilton.
He's a very dear friend
of mine.

Lives next to the Rizzos.
You want me to call him?
Yeah, give him a call.

You got it.
Hello, Governor.

What's your schedule
like tomorrow?

Good. I'm gonna have
open house.

Well, this is it.

Oh, it's beautiful,
isn't it, dear?

Sure is.

Mr. and Mrs. Francis,
look to your hearts' content.

But don't take too long.
There's only six units left.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

(GRUNTS LOUDLY)

Well, good morning.

FRANCISES: Morning.

Walter, my man. What it is?

Give me three.

Did you put on the coffee?

No.

Well, never mind.
I'll do it myself.

Excuse me, folks.
Wait just one minute.

What are you doing here?

What does it look like
I'm doing, Walter?

Making some coffee.

But why are... Why are you
doing it here?

Because my electricity
isn't turned on yet.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Excuse me.

MR. FRANCIS: Perhaps we should
come back at another time.

Oh, no, no, no,
there's just been
a little misunderstanding.

You see, he doesn't really
live here.

I tell you, why don't you take
a look around upstairs?

Yeah, watch yourself
in the bathroom.

There's water everywhere.

You know, this is
really intolerable.

Will you please get out?

Are you talking to me?
Of course I'm talking to you!

Then why are they leaving?

Folks, wait a minute!
Wait a minute.

I'll have this figured out
in one minute.

Ha! Thanks anyway.

Now do you see
what you have done?

Oh, don't sweat it, Walter.

Life is full
of disappointments.

No lights, noisy plumbing,
neighbors dropping by.

HARRY: Good morning, Benson.
Good morning, Harry.
How do you want your eggs?

Soft-boiled.
Wait! You can't
have breakfast here!

(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.

Oh, no, you won't.
I'll get it.

I don't want my customers
frightened by some weirdo

in a silly-looking bathrobe.

Ah!
Hi. We're looking
for Benson.

Come on in, Pete!

Hey, Peter!

We came on Pete's Hog.

Go over there,
prop your feet up.

Breakfast will be ready
any minute.

All right.

You can't be serious.

Well, half hour at most.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
Get the door, Walter.

Good morning.

Walter, good to see
you again. Ooh!

Ah, good morning.
Governor! Sir.

BENSON: Governor.
How are you?

Fine.
What a beautiful house!

How do you do?

Attention, please, folks.
I'm sorry.

Everybody. Governor.

ALL: Oh.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
ask you all to leave.

Walter, Walter,
don't rush the people.

They haven't eaten yet.

Morning, everybody.
I'm Harry Hamilton.

Gretchen Kraus.

Gene Gatling.
Denise Stevens.

Pete Downey.

Mr. and Mrs. Kirkwood.
(MRS. KIRKWOOD GIGGLES)

Oh, Benson,
I love your new home.

This is not his new home.

It is until you
get mine fixed up.

How do you want your eggs,
Governor?

Poached, if you don't mind.

And you, Denise?

Over easy, please.

You, Pete?
Hot-tub a deuce
for three minutes,

rasher of bacon,
side of fries,

English twice with oleo.

Benson, I have had enough.

No eggs for Walter.

I have appointments here.
People are coming
to see this place.

Now, put these back.
Sure, Walter.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Walter, would
you set the table?

I'll get it.

Yes, I am busy.

And would you get your feet
off the table, please?

And, you two, move it!

Walter, I'm surprised at you.

That's no way to talk
to prospective buyers.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought...

(DOORBELL RINGS)
BENSON: Walter, get the door.

We won! We won!

(EVERYONE CHEERING)

Clayton's a great coach.
He talked the umpire
out of everything.

Yay!
(EVERYONE CHEERING)

Well done to the victors!

The Victors?
Did you have an appointment?

Champagne for everyone!

Oh, we'll have some of that.

Clayton, how do you want
your eggs?
Coddled.

Yeah, what else?

I'm really sorry
about all this.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Oh, no, no! Don't touch that.

That's for me.

Get away from that.
Hello.

Yes.

It's for you. It's
someone named Jennifer.

Hi, babe.

Your brother and his six kids?

Sure, you can bring
them with you.

Find out how
they want their eggs.

I'll see you later. Bye-bye.

This is a private number.
Not anymore.

Where are those people?

Look, I'm sorry.

There's been
a little mistake.

Oh, it really doesn't matter.

We love the place.

Yes, we've decided to buy.
I have the check for

the down payment right here.
Wonderful.

Don't make
the same mistake I did.

ALL: Ooh!

Mr. DuBois.
Mistake?

Yes, I bought one
of Walter's condos.

Did you buy this one?
No, despite appearances,

mine is down the street.

I'm just waiting
until they fix it.

Fix it?
Actually, they never

finished building it,

did they, Walter?

ALL: No!

There are a few things
that are unfinished, but...

ALL: Boo!

By a few things,

he means that some
of the lights aren't up,

the oven doesn't work,
and the doors aren't all hung,

but outside of that,
it's just perfect!

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

I've heard enough.
Come on, sweetheart.

Excuse me.
Oh!

Well, let's say goodbye
to the Kirkwoods.

ALL: Bye!

Nice meeting you!

Well, isn't that something?

He lost couple number two.

Would you like to try
for couple number three?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Why are you doing
this to me, DuBois?

You know that your place
will be fixed eventually.

I mean, you act as if
you've been singled out.

There's nothing personal here.
I know that, Walter.

There's nothing personal
about anything you do,

certainly not the way
you build houses.

And you don't give a damn
about the people

who have to live in them.

And you don't even
have the decency

to give a person
what he paid for.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

All right, all right, I'll
have the workmen over there
first thing Monday morning...

No, no, no, no!
Right now!

Right now?
This is Saturday.

They get double time
on Saturday.

What are we having
for dinner, people?
(ALL CHEER)

All right, all right.

Okay, all right, okay.

I'll have them over there now.
Give me your key.

You don't need my key.
Go through the patio door.

Everybody else does.
(LAUGHS)

Governor.

BENSON: Goodbye, Walter.
ALL: Bye-bye!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I hope everybody's hungry.
We're gonna have
scrambled eggs.

(CHEERS)

Hey, Benson.
Hmm?

You really ought to keep
that door locked.

Any deadbeat could just walk
right in here.

I see.

You sleepy?
No, I'm making a pudding.

You finished
with the sports section?

No, Frank. No!

Funny, neither are the Rizzos.

Don't worry. Go back to sleep.

I won't bother you.

Frank?
Yeah?

Here, take the sports section.

Take the travel section.
Take the whole paper.
Just get out.

(CRASHING AND
GLASS SHATTERING)

Here. I read
the funnies over
at the Rizzos'.